It’s very common in relationships to find your partner pushing you away for reasons you can’t figure out. Sometimes you may be dating someone that just isn’t very good with communicating issues and would rather hide.
Both situations can lead to toxic relationships and it’s why I wanted to bring you this article today about some beliefs that could be pushing your partner away.
As always, these beliefs may not apply directly to your situation, but they’re still good things to think about and consider. Perhaps your partner has these beliefs as well and is causing issues in the relationship.
In my opinion, if you’re in a serious relationship with someone, it’s never okay to just push someone away and go into hiding without communicating. It’s a major red flag and something I lookout for when I’m in the early stages of dating as it is a good indicator of what’s to come should drama stir up later in the relationship.
Let’s dive in!
1. Believing that Relationships are a Linear Process
Often times we have these ideas in our heads of how a relationship ‘should’ be. The whole process from meeting a man or woman, to the way we communicate with them, to the dates and meet ups, to the bedroom, to getting serious, etc.
It’s this fantasy in our head of how a relationship should play out. This is a more common issue for men because we’re logical, linear thinkers for the most part. Women might say and act like they want this Disney sort of fantasy relationship, but anyone with experience in the game knows this isn’t reality.
The main point to keep in mind is that we all come from a different upbringing. How you view a relationship could be much different than what your partner believes. It’s here where your ego can make a mess of things.
My advice is always for you to appreciate the process of getting to that relationship stage. While some relationships may start strong and fast, other’s may take time to develop. So the key is to adapt to the situation and play the game right.
For advice on actually learning the game so you can win in all these different scenarios, I’ve got dozens of articles, a few books, coaching options, etc. so feel free to browse around my site to learn more.
2. Holding on to Grudges and Bitterness
These grudges, the bitterness you may have, the regrets are usually from relationships in the past. It’s human nature to not forgive and to hold on to these feelings of pain.
But it’s also common sense that in order to move on and live out lives, we have to forgive and move forward. It’s just really hard for us to do that. The more toxic relationships you get yourself into, the more bitter and unforgiving you become.
And if you tend to be the more emotional and sensitive type, then these feelings can be detrimental on your psych. They can really turn into some ugly feelings that can cause you to hate men or women which obviously causes problems in relationships.
So the key here is to learn to control your emotions while also truly forgiving the past and letting it go. This is a difficult process but is absolutely required.
3. Sacrificing Your Own Needs for your Lover
Sometimes you find yourself so in love with someone that you end up putting this person before anything else – and most the time you don’t even realize it.
All your thoughts are bent on this person, everything you do is about whether your partner will be happy with that or not. This is a very bad position to be when you realize it because you’ve basically become a servant without even knowing it.
You start treating your lover as a king or queen, fearful of anything you do that may disrupt the course. Your mind is clouded and you’ve put your own needs on hold.
Of course, you want your own needs to be fulfilled. But you never make your needs a priority because you fear it could cause a problem in the relationship. Little do you know, however, this is actually one of the most least attractive situations to be in and usually a major cause to push your partner away.
4. You’re a Pushover, Easily Convinced and Manipulated
Continuing on the thread above, when your life basically revolved around your partner with fear of losing him or her, you naturally become a pushover. You’re easily manipulated, easily convinced of things. You rarely have a hand in any decision making.
And to make things worse, when you try to get involved in decisions and voice an opinion, it’s usually in a logical manner which only does you more harm and makes things worse – it pushes your partner away and comes off very unattractive.
Understand that the more you put the needs of your partner above yours, the more of a doormat you become. Sooner or later, without you even realizing it, you’re swayed by every word or action your partner says or does. Your thoughts are dominated by this lover of yours that everything you do revolves around whether he or she will be satisfied.
Obviously, this can be a very dangerous position to be in. It is one of the main causes of domestic violence, in my opinion simply because your partner feels they can get away with it and you’ll still take them back.
5. Thinking You Need To Do More
As you can imagine, this is like a snowball of death rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger – the problems just grow and grow as you continue down this path.
The next problem is that you begin to think you need to do more. If only you did this or that, your partner would love you and be 100% committed to you in a drama-free relationship.
However, this belief causes more and more problems and toxicity. You’re basically throw more fuel to the raging fire instead of taking this fuel away and letting this toxic fire die out.
So instead of trying to do more, instead of searching for techniques and whatnot to make things better, think about pulling back and doing less.
6. Lack of Time for Yourself
At the end of the day, with all of this toxicity going on, you rarely have any time for yourself and your own needs. In fact, if you were like me in my early BPD relationships, I never did things for myself. Everything I was doing was in hopes that I could fix my relationships and make them better.
Instead I should have been learning how to improve the quality of my life, build a lifestyle for myself that I can be proud of (which I’ve obviously done now), learn the skills and knowledge from credible sources, and so on.
Life is interesting in that we’re all given choices. It’s how you respond to these choices that will determine your life. Respond well and you’ll reap the benefits. Respond poorly and you’ll live a poor life. There are factors that will be out of your control, but these you accept and move forward.
7. Blaming Others and Failure to Take Responsibility
After all this is said and done, it’s hard to really place blame on others. However, that’s what we usually do. We spent all this time and effort in trying to build a great relationship, only for it to crumble.
But is it really the fault of our lovers? Or does fault lie closer to you? Well, relationships take two to tango. This is just the truth. So in effect, you’re at minimum responsible for half of whatever happens.
However, being a man, I learned several years back that’s it’s much more beneficial to simply accept 100% responsibility no matter the outcome. Telling yourself that you are responsible makes it easy to forgive, to learn from your mistakes and to move on.
Even if you don’t feel responsible for a lot the happenings, I still recommend you simply take responsibility and move forward.
99% of the time, it’s our own beliefs and values (or lack thereof) that get in the way of developing a healthy relationship. While you may be dating someone that’s extremely emotional and dramatic (see BPD dating advice), at the end of the day you still have control over you.
And with proper control comes power. And this isn’t bad at all, it’s actually good. It’s what an emotional partner wants and needs in their lives. They want you to have this power and control as it stabilizes things.
I’ll be talk to you soon and comment below with any questions!
– Rick Reynolds