I got an email from one of my coaching clients about how difficult it is for him to tell when love is real and when love is a fantasy.
They were dating a person with BPD and everything was great for the first few weeks or so.
No fights, no arguing, no cold behavior. Just warm affection and intimacy every single time they hung out.
It was like this person they met was finally the perfect person they’ve been searching for.
Well, as life continues to show over and over again that nothing and nobody is ever perfect, this relationship started to take a turn for the worse. He had no idea why and as much as he tried to make it better, it still got worse.
He had no answers for this ‘strange phenomenon’ and thus he found me.
My client just didn’t understand how to process this. They were in love! She kept telling him how much she loves him! And he ate up those words because he really wants to find a girl to love and be with. He’s a good guy, after all.
I decided right then and there I was going to hammer this topic about love. I believe this word gets thrown around way to often these days and it’s time for me to let my thoughts about love be known.
I am a very loving and caring individual, a ‘nice guy’ if you will. BUT I also know the truth about love and how relationships really work. This knowledge is why I continue to find myself in great relationships. So let’s dive in:
1. The Word ‘Love’ Is Just That – A Word
While I know that a lot of my readers understand that words are meaningless, there are still a lot of ya’ll out there that put a ton of weight on words, especially those of love and affection.
This is just a big mistake because words, as I always say, don’t hold any weight. I used to fall for this all the time as well. It’s not until you actually recognize this as a problem that you can actually learn from it. This is big. Your ego will play mind games on you and keep you from learning.
You have to understand that this issue is much deeper than just words. You’re putting your validation on something external. You are seeking approval through the words of somebody else, in this case a man or a woman that you want to be with. That’s a pretty big responsibility you’re passing onto someone else.
Always remember that words are just that, words. They take no effort at all to say. You open your mouth and you let out hot air. Boom, a word comes out.
On the other hand, actions actually require effort. So if you’re still single, think about this for a bit – how many relationships have you been in where the words just never matched the actions?
In the case of love with it being such a ‘powerful word’ these days, it’s still a word and people will say it for how they feel in that moment. But once that moment passes by, observe the actions that follow. Are they really actions of love and affection? And even if they are, is it consistent? Lots of factors to think about.
2. Real Love Develops Over Time
So with everything I mentioned above, it’s right to assume then that Love really is a feeling, a chemistry that needs to blossom as time moves forward. But this is also where more problems can develop.
Let’s say that you do understand that words mean nothing and you no longer wear your heart on your sleeve. What then is the next common problem? Controlling your emotions.
This is the time when you need to have mastery over your emotions. As the relationship develops and you begin to learn more and more about your partner, you’re going to be doing battle with those emotional feelings that can throw you off without you even being aware of it.
There are people out there that will say things and do things to manipulate and over power you. One of the big reasons why I study and educate myself about the laws of power is so that I can avoid being manipulated. It’s essentially a preventative measure on my part.
The troubling part is that a lot of people will manipulate without really being conscious of it. It’s become a part of who they are due to their experiences with love and relationships.
The more educated you are on power, emotions, manipulation and other things, the more power you have over your own self. This leads to you seeing things for what they really are and having the skills to not be easily pushed over the edge.
With that said, always keep a clear head about love. It’s a chemistry that takes time to develop. You may have clicked right away with your partner, but the real truths reveal themselves in time.
3. Love Isn’t Taking Care of People
This truth hits me hard because it always brings up memories of my past where I always found myself babysitting and taking care of these girls that acted like they were helpless.
I remember getting into my car at 2 or 3 in the morning and driving all the way across the city to rescue my drunk girlfriends because they needed a hero. And I was dumb enough to be that hero.
Needless to say, all of that rescuing and heroism never really amounted for anything substantial. Sure, I’d get to be with my girl and we might hook up and all that, but I never had a stable relationship with any girl when I played the hero role.
One of the biggest changes I made for myself was understanding that people don’t need to be saved. We’re all adults and we all really know how to take care of ourselves. We don’t need rescuing.
If you find yourself in this type of relationship where your partner just seems like they’re helpless and can’t take care of themselves, then listen to me: they can take care of themselves! They’ve been doing it for years before you came along!
Deep down, this is a codependency problem that a lot of us have. We desire to me affectionate and close to our man or woman, so we go out of our way to please them.
4. Love Is Not a Fairy Tale Fantasy
A lot of what we see and hear growing up are these love story fantasies. Even though we know we’re watching a cartoon or actors playing a role on the screen, our subconscious is actually eating this shit up.
Everywhere around you are signs of love and affection and happiness. You see all these same patterns of love and relationships in all these different movies and shows on television. It’s usually the same old story over and over again.
Years and years and years of this have developed the general view our society has on love and relationships. And generally speaking, it’s a big fat fail. Now there are some movies that come out these days that get it right, but these are far and few between.
I’m actually a fan of the classic black and white movies from the 40’s and 50’s because these movies were way more accurate with relationship dynamics. Why? Well, mainly because men were just way more manly back then, lol.
But either way, you need to hammer these truths into your head over and over again. It’s very difficult to detox yourself from what you were taught growing up. You really have to constantly hammer these truths into your head so that your subconscious picks it up.
Reading book after book isn’t enough to actually change. You have to consciously train yourself day after day to break your habits and detox. It’s a skill in itself. Getting a coach or mentor is a good start.
5. True Love Is Actually Indescribable
So knowing that love isn’t this constant smiling, cuddling, affectionate, rescuing. gift giving type of dynamic, what is it really?
I believe that it’s a subconscious, powerful energy. It’s not something you can logically describe. It’s not something that you feel right away.
When you talk to a successful couple that’s been together for awhile, often times you’ll hear women talk about how she’s just drawn to this guy and she can’t explain it.
When I hear things like that, I know that they have something real and deep going on. To me, that connection is love. That’s what keeps people together for the long-term, that connection you can’t quite describe.
With men, we’re just very easy to read for the most part so it’s obvious to tell when we’re happy with a woman, lol. The more men invest in something, the more attached we become. This is big for you ladies because if your man doesn’t really invest much into the relationship, you can get a good idea of where his heart lies.
True Love isn’t something that develops right away despite what some people may claim. This deeper, long-term connection keeps healthy relationships together through the good and the bad. The bad news is that toxic relationships never actually develop this connection, even if they’ve been together for years.
The next time you find yourself getting involved with a man or a woman, keep these truths in the back of your head. Keep hammering them over and over again until they become second nature.
Remember that talk is cheap and legacies are defined by the actions. While Napolean may have been a great motivator through his public speaking, it was his actions that lead to him being recognized as the greatest general of all time: always at the front lines showing his men what bravery is and inspiring them to fight with a power that no nation had ever seen before.
Thanks for reading.