I got an email from one of my coaching clients about how difficult it is for him to tell when love is real and when love is a fantasy.
They were dating a person with BPD and everything was great for the first few weeks or so.
No fights, no arguing, no cold behavior. Just warm affection and intimacy every single time they hung out.
It was like this person they met was finally the perfect person they’ve been searching for.
Well, as life continues to show over and over again that nothing and nobody is ever perfect, this relationship started to take a turn for the worse. He had no idea why and as much as he tried to make it better, it still got worse.
He had no answers for this ‘strange phenomenon’ and thus he found me.
My client just didn’t understand how to process this. They were in love! She kept telling him how much she loves him! And he ate up those words because he really wants to find a girl to love and be with. He’s a good guy, after all.
I decided right then and there I was going to hammer this topic about love. I believe this word gets thrown around way to often these days and it’s time for me to let my thoughts about love be known.
I am a very loving and caring individual, a ‘nice guy’ if you will. BUT I also know the truth about love and how relationships really work. This knowledge is why I continue to find myself in great relationships. So let’s dive in:
1. The Word ‘Love’ Is Just That – A Word
While I know that a lot of my readers understand that words are meaningless, there are still a lot of ya’ll out there that put a ton of weight on words, especially those of love and affection.
This is just a big mistake because words, as I always say, don’t hold any weight. I used to fall for this all the time as well. It’s not until you actually recognize this as a problem that you can actually learn from it. This is big. Your ego will play mind games on you and keep you from learning.
You have to understand that this issue is much deeper than just words. You’re putting your validation on something external. You are seeking approval through the words of somebody else, in this case a man or a woman that you want to be with. That’s a pretty big responsibility you’re passing onto someone else.
Always remember that words are just that, words. They take no effort at all to say. You open your mouth and you let out hot air. Boom, a word comes out.
On the other hand, actions actually require effort. So if you’re still single, think about this for a bit – how many relationships have you been in where the words just never matched the actions?
In the case of love with it being such a ‘powerful word’ these days, it’s still a word and people will say it for how they feel in that moment. But once that moment passes by, observe the actions that follow. Are they really actions of love and affection? And even if they are, is it consistent? Lots of factors to think about.
2. Real Love Develops Over Time
So with everything I mentioned above, it’s right to assume then that Love really is a feeling, a chemistry that needs to blossom as time moves forward. But this is also where more problems can develop.
Let’s say that you do understand that words mean nothing and you no longer wear your heart on your sleeve. What then is the next common problem? Controlling your emotions.
This is the time when you need to have mastery over your emotions. As the relationship develops and you begin to learn more and more about your partner, you’re going to be doing battle with those emotional feelings that can throw you off without you even being aware of it.
There are people out there that will say things and do things to manipulate and over power you. One of the big reasons why I study and educate myself about the laws of power is so that I can avoid being manipulated. It’s essentially a preventative measure on my part.
The troubling part is that a lot of people will manipulate without really being conscious of it. It’s become a part of who they are due to their experiences with love and relationships.
The more educated you are on power, emotions, manipulation and other things, the more power you have over your own self. This leads to you seeing things for what they really are and having the skills to not be easily pushed over the edge.
With that said, always keep a clear head about love. It’s a chemistry that takes time to develop. You may have clicked right away with your partner, but the real truths reveal themselves in time.
3. Love Isn’t Taking Care of People
This truth hits me hard because it always brings up memories of my past where I always found myself babysitting and taking care of these girls that acted like they were helpless.
I remember getting into my car at 2 or 3 in the morning and driving all the way across the city to rescue my drunk girlfriends because they needed a hero. And I was dumb enough to be that hero.
Needless to say, all of that rescuing and heroism never really amounted for anything substantial. Sure, I’d get to be with my girl and we might hook up and all that, but I never had a stable relationship with any girl when I played the hero role.
One of the biggest changes I made for myself was understanding that people don’t need to be saved. We’re all adults and we all really know how to take care of ourselves. We don’t need rescuing.
If you find yourself in this type of relationship where your partner just seems like they’re helpless and can’t take care of themselves, then listen to me: they can take care of themselves! They’ve been doing it for years before you came along!
Deep down, this is a codependency problem that a lot of us have. We desire to me affectionate and close to our man or woman, so we go out of our way to please them.
4. Love Is Not a Fairy Tale Fantasy
A lot of what we see and hear growing up are these love story fantasies. Even though we know we’re watching a cartoon or actors playing a role on the screen, our subconscious is actually eating this shit up.
Everywhere around you are signs of love and affection and happiness. You see all these same patterns of love and relationships in all these different movies and shows on television. It’s usually the same old story over and over again.
Years and years and years of this have developed the general view our society has on love and relationships. And generally speaking, it’s a big fat fail. Now there are some movies that come out these days that get it right, but these are far and few between.
I’m actually a fan of the classic black and white movies from the 40’s and 50’s because these movies were way more accurate with relationship dynamics. Why? Well, mainly because men were just way more manly back then, lol.
But either way, you need to hammer these truths into your head over and over again. It’s very difficult to detox yourself from what you were taught growing up. You really have to constantly hammer these truths into your head so that your subconscious picks it up.
Reading book after book isn’t enough to actually change. You have to consciously train yourself day after day to break your habits and detox. It’s a skill in itself. Getting a coach or mentor is a good start.
5. True Love Is Actually Indescribable
So knowing that love isn’t this constant smiling, cuddling, affectionate, rescuing. gift giving type of dynamic, what is it really?
I believe that it’s a subconscious, powerful energy. It’s not something you can logically describe. It’s not something that you feel right away.
When you talk to a successful couple that’s been together for awhile, often times you’ll hear women talk about how she’s just drawn to this guy and she can’t explain it.
When I hear things like that, I know that they have something real and deep going on. To me, that connection is love. That’s what keeps people together for the long-term, that connection you can’t quite describe.
With men, we’re just very easy to read for the most part so it’s obvious to tell when we’re happy with a woman, lol. The more men invest in something, the more attached we become. This is big for you ladies because if your man doesn’t really invest much into the relationship, you can get a good idea of where his heart lies.
True Love isn’t something that develops right away despite what some people may claim. This deeper, long-term connection keeps healthy relationships together through the good and the bad. The bad news is that toxic relationships never actually develop this connection, even if they’ve been together for years.
Bottom Line
The next time you find yourself getting involved with a man or a woman, keep these truths in the back of your head. Keep hammering them over and over again until they become second nature.
Remember that talk is cheap and legacies are defined by the actions. While Napolean may have been a great motivator through his public speaking, it was his actions that lead to him being recognized as the greatest general of all time: always at the front lines showing his men what bravery is and inspiring them to fight with a power that no nation had ever seen before.
Thanks for reading.
denise says
I almost dated a bipolar male. I stayed friends for two months just see what he was about and what offering. Just texting and talking on phone revealed it all. One day he is excited about me next day he came back with putdowns , one day says he really likes me next day is full of hate for me. The black and white mentality was all there, then his friend called me up told me he was bipolar. Bingo. I knew in a matter of time he would turn all the way on me and then beg let him back in. Everything was so extreme at all times. I decided from experience to block him from my phone and let it go. Why. Well I had ask myself why would I even date someone like this, what part of my past attracted me to him in the first place. Why would I pursue a mentally ill person, forgive me for being raw about it but it’s a condition, you can’t change them. And why go threw all that so you can remain. He wouldn’t do that for you. He is and always be unreasonable. While you do all the work try to manipulate so you can stay and endure it.
To me if we’re still chasing bipolar people we need look at our past dependencies and conditioning. A healthy person would move on, your not actually helping them by staying most of the times. Just my opinion I’ve seen know of many friends in these relationships, it’s just a merry go round. Your the fun ride. Don’t get mad just posting another view.
Rick says
Yup you’re right, but the reality is that most people are unstable like this lol. It’s very rare to meet someone that has their emotions under control and knows what they want. If this wasn’t the case, relationships wouldn’t fail 90% of the time. That’s why I created this blog so I can help people GAIN this emotional control and the knowledge to succeed in relationships. It’s a win-win for everybody.
Layla says
Hi Rick,
I’m a female who has been involved with what I categorize as a BPD guy for a while. He believes that he has PTSD, which I’m sure they go hand in hand. You can question why I’m choosing to date this guy all you want, but when he’s good, he’s really good. And he’s aware he has issues, which I think is huge. And he’s been actively working on them and wants to continue to get better. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy though. It’s like a constant test of whether I’m being strong and independent or not.We had a pretty solid couple of months with no real fights at all,but things somehow went downhill this weekend. When they’re bad, it’s just a power struggle and I do find myself trying to figure out what the most self respecting action is. We fought a couple times this weekend, and now I’m feeling like I lost some of that respect I had earned by allowing myself to get pulled in to these fights. He was acting like a douche, and I feel like I called him out on it, but that’s when all hell breaks loose. So we separate, give it a little time, and I told him I’d like to talk about some of what happened, and he told me he wasn’t ready to yet, he needed to work on himself. so he could be in a better space to talk. So I told him to call me when he felt he could have a conversation. But then he kept texting me and messaging me, but playing this, I’m not ready to talk yet game. It all feels like a big control thing. I made it clear that I did not want to hear from him again until he was ready to have an actual conversation. I will not be responding to any more texts/messages until he actually reachea out and calls. Is this a good step in re-establishing respect? Any other advice? And do you have concrete advice as to how to literally not tolerate the bs? Sometimes when I feel that I try to set boundaries, that I am actually being the controlling one. Thanks!
Rick says
Yeah so you’re actually doing well here. He just needs to know that you’re willing to walk away. But are you? Because you should be. So he just needs to know this. You can make it clear that you’re a busy woman and if he wants to play these games, you won’t play them back, you’d rather go do your own thing than tolerate this crap. He just needs to know this. Thanks for the comment :)
Layla says
Also, what are your thoughts on smart phone usage? Is that a battle worth fighting? This guy has become addicted to his smart phone over the last several months (like many people I know, actually). My biggest beef with it is that he checks it a lot when we’re together and he is sometimes lacking presence. Out 0f all the behaviors that bpds have, it’s not the worst. Am I being controlling by calling him out on his cell phone usage or is it warranted? Do you think there are any good ways to deal with it?
Rick says
It’s a minor inconvenience. Understand that we live in the information age and a lot of people’s social lives are through the phone. A good 80% of my friends live all around the country and overseas so I’m on my phone A LOT talking to my friends via facebook or whatsapp or whatever. If you guys are out together and he’s just ignoring you and on his phone, that’s an issue. A more advanced strategy you can use is to just mirror him. If he’s on his phone, you do the same thing lol. Do it even more than him. I know I told you not to play games, but hey sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire :)
Layla says
I appreciate the feedback. It’s not at all natural to me. I grew up in a pretty rough family situation and have definitely had some codependent tendencies as a result which I’m trying to grow out of. Some days I think I’m doing really well, and other days I struggle. I think in general your advice is pretty sound, but sometimes it’s the specifics that I hit a snag with. Like you always say that when a BPD comes back, because they generally do, you should make them work for it, and not go easily right back. So when he does call again, do I just talk to him at that point, or wait to call him back, or use the phone call to arrange a date to meet up or what? Because if he calls and that’s what I’m looking for, it almost feels like a game to me to “make him work for it”.
Rick says
The reason I don’t talk about specifics too often is because every situation is unique, lol. If people actually knew the answers to every situation, then no one would ever have trouble with their relationships. But what makes us human is that we’re all unique and every situation is different. Generally speaking, why would you gladly accept someone back into your life that disrespects you? Generally, that doesn’t make sense. But again, you know your situation more than I ever could so you should always do what you feel is best. I don’t take things personally anymore so I have no problem getting into a little fight or argument and then going back to how things were before. Emotions aren’t logical for the most part and trying to use logic to solve problems is a big mistake most people do.
Layla says
I guess the short answer to that question would be that I know he is committed to working on his issues, and we went a long time without any of these negative behaviors surfacing. I know that I should just be willing to walk away, but I guess I would just like to try to re-establish the respect and get back to where we were in the relationship before I completely give up
Jc says
I am confused. Toward the bottom, you say that when someone says, “something just draws me to him,” you know they share something deep and real, yet you say that whatever that is isn’t present in toxic relationships, even after years. Can you help me understand how to deal with a “toxic relationship” of years that has the strongest “something just pulls us together” I’ve ever experienced? I am dealing with this now.
(and, as an aside, I think the wording here is confusing. What holds a “toxic” relationship together for long periods except for a “feeling” of being drawn together. It sure isn’t the mechanics of a working life…)
Rick says
The problem is that many people think this “feeling” is love – when it’s not even close. Relationships are about compatibility. Love comes second. That’s the truth. Since 99% of people don’t know what love actually is, they always end up in toxic relationships because they “feel” something.
Lynne says
I have a male friend who I believe is borderline. At first the friendship was good but then I would notice odd things. He would space out especially while driving, but other times also. He would not hear me talk to him and once while I was talking to him he turned the radio up. When I mentioned that I was speaking, he just said oh like he was unaware. I did tell him he doesn’t listen to me and respond, weird. He is somewhere else. He also would reject things I would give him saying he didn’t like it, say cherries, and sometime later he would buy some for himself. When I questioned him about that he was unaware of saying he didn’t like cherries, but he likes them. He would also say that some topics of conversation didn’t interest him, as he continually rambled on and on repeating and repeating the same old things. I was showing him some photos and hadn’t finished when he popped up to get his photos! On outings he walks away to be alone and loses sense of time. When I texted him to meet up he would be evasive and it would be much later when we finally met to eat and go home. He was often sullen and zoned out, saying he goes to a dark place. He also either has an exuberant or flat personality. He is sometimes fun, complimentary etc. and at other times angry, explosive, cares not how he treats others…men friends included. At times he is agitated and defensive over nothing. He will also nervously repeat a phrase over and over. Is this BPD or a combination also of another mental disorder? I tried to get him some help which he refused. I would like to identify what this is. The bad times have increased. I feel deep down he knows something is wrong. Much of the time he doesn’t know how he has acted, however. I have told him I cannot be treated this way, but he doesn’t believe most of what I tell him. All very strange to me.
Thank you.
Averil says
Don’t put up with this, he knows very well what he is doing, and even if he doesn’t his lack of concern for how his actions make you feel is a sure sign he doesn’t really care about you. Try not to be so sympathetic and patient with this behaviour, he is already well aware that he can walk over you because of these traits, which are not bad traits just not that kind you want to give to someone like this. This man is using the whole ‘dark place’ and absent mindedness for sympathy, or more like a guarantee that he can get away with this self absorbed bs without having to face an edge. I can almost guarantee that if you confronted him he would have no trouble being nasty or just completely ignoring you (or in combination). Best to drop this one and avoid all other men like this who have these ‘damaged’ and brooding personas.
Pavla says
Hi Rick,
really nice article but I have a simple question.. is BPD men able to truly love someone? As my boyfriend always keep saying after every argument when he leaves me that: “you just lost me right now..” and later “it takes time for me to feel it again as you keep things messing up”. Is it “normal” for BPD men that they can just stop loving to someone in a minute.. and start to love them again after few weeks? I am lost. Thank you for your reply. Pavla
Rick says
Love is a very misused word. If he’s saying things like that, he’s manipulating you. These types of men are actually more of the sociopath, not so much the Borderline. Also, true love doesn’t have any negativity. So, most people never actually fall in love — they just have a lot of affection. Love takes time to develop and it can only develop when a relationship is free of all negative energy (which is obviously not common).