5 Signs Your BPD or Bipolar Relationship Will Fail

5 signs bpd bipolar relationship

If there’s anyone that understands what it’s like to date someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) or Bipolar disorder, its me. My first girlfriend had both BPD and Bipolar (and codependency).

As you can guess, my first introduction into these emotionally charged relationships was quite a wild one.

But I managed to learn some life-long lessons from it and for that I am thankful, though it took me quite some time to forgive and move forward :)

Dating someone with any type of behavioral issue can be a daunting task if you are not prepared.

If you’re simply looking for a calm, relaxing experience where you can come home from work and relax on the couch every night, then these relationships aren’t for you (and relaxing on the couch is pretty boring in my opinion).

Dating someone with BPD can either be a rewarding experience or a complete nightmare.

For those that do manage to make them succeed, there’s really nothing else like it.

I am a firm believer that all these personality issues are highly exaggerated and are simply a result of many men never learning what it means to actually be a masculine male.

Women who are highly emotional, unpredictable, spontaneous and so-on are the best kind of women to date. The reason you’re reading this is because you feel the same way – you’re probably in love with one right now.

So strap yourself in and give me 15 minutes of your time. This article is designed to help you make strides in your current situation.

Bonus: Download my free course that contains the most common mistakes people make in BPD relationships, as well as tons of exclusive content not found anywhere else.

BPD Relationships Are Complicated

I know that you may feel hopeless right now, but BPD relationships can work. They’re complicated, they can make you feel lost and confused at times, but the more knowledge you have the easier they become.

So fear not my friend! I’m glad you stumbled onto my blog because I personally prefer women that are highly emotional. They’re extremely fun to be with when you learn the skills and the knowledge that are required for these relationships.

I’ve spent several years mastering my relationship skills so I could date fun, emotional women. I truly believe that people with BPD want love, joy and fulfillment just like you and me, so why would I pre-judge and rule them out?

It just doesn’t make sense to do so.

What has helped me the most to succeed in BPD relationships is by completely changing my old mindsets and to truly open up my mind and understand what’s going on deep within their core.

A big part of my BPD Success Program is about the correct mindsets and what you need to do to succeed in these relationships. I originally created this whole program as a way for me to remember this knowledge and skills I discovered.

Check out this article to further your learning:

Mistake #1: The White Knight / Saviour Mentality

I’ve been coaching and communicating with my visitors like you for many years now. 99% of you have good hearts and want nothing but the best for your partner.

Unfortunately, a serious problem can arise out of this good-natured character and it’s what I call the “savior mentality” or the more popular term, the white knight. I’m sure you’ve heard this term used before.

What causes this is simply through our upbringing. We were taught to love deeply and care for others. So we meet this man or woman that’s a whirlwind of emotions, and we just can’t help but want to love them.

We can see that they have problems and through our love, we want to fix them and help them be happy. But this never works because despite all of your efforts, you continue to feel unloved, neglected, hurt, alone, confused and more.

The answer to this very common mistake is that people are simply uneducated about relationships. The reality is that people don’t want other’s to save them. We simply want to be respected, we want our voices heard, we want to feel important. But we don’t want to be saved.

To fix this mistake, stop trying to save people and instead just be supportive of who they are, what they’re doing and encourage them to chase after their dreams.

Instead of always rushing to his or side, instead of apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong, instead of being a phone call away, focus on yourself and put your passions and desires FIRST.

White knighting/trying to be a problem fixer is the biggest relationship mistake you can make which is why I’ve gone into depth about it here. So take a look at yourself and if you feel like 90% of your thoughts are fixed on your partner, then it’s time to make some real change.

Mistake #2: Reacting, Fighting and Arguing

First of all, I don’t want you to think that you should never fight or argue or react. It always depends on the situation. However, most people fight and argue about small, petty things that don’t really matter.

Let’s say that you’re a woman dating a man with BPD. These men have fragile egos and will protect them and defend themselves even when they’ve been proven to be wrong.

So if you’ve gotten your point across and he’s simply being irrational at this point, there’s really no point in continuing to fight. You are much better off saying “Let’s just agree to disagree, I don’t need anymore stress today.” and leave it at that.

It’s very important that you do not play the passive-aggressive role with these types of people. They are more likely to play it on you so don’t just feed the fire.

I personally like to confront people when they’re being passive-aggressive. I’m not afraid to get in someone’s face and have them say what they’re holding back.

Communication is very important in relationships and if issues aren’t being brought to the surface, hell will break loose at a later time. Learning to communicate effectively and reading between the lines is hugely important.

A big part of my BPD relationship program is about this subtle communication. It’s being able to keep your power, to show that you’re not going to be pushed around, to not be reacting to the crazy behavior and such.

Now with that said, it is also important that you also have thick skin. You cannot be easily bothered by words and behavior. While I may be confrontational at times, it is only for serious situations where I know she’s crossing a boundary I’ve firmly set for myself.

Don’t be the guy that gets all butt hurt because your girlfriend didn’t text you back right away. No woman on the planet likes that man! Brush it off and hit her up again the next day. Give her space.

Further your education:

  • Dating a Man with BPD – these men act tough but it’s all an act. Learn how to stand up for yourself and lay down boundaries.

Mistake #3: Out of Control Emotions and Investment

I talked about this topic extensively in my mastering your emotions article so please check that out after reading this one.

But emotional control is very important and this ties in with having thick skin. You may be the type of person that is bothered by slow texting and slow communication in general.

You really need to discipline yourself on not being affected by this. Or at least don’t let this cause you to react and overreact.

The most unattractive behavior (for me) is when a woman overreacts over something I believe is small and harmless.

Now she may argue that she doesn’t believe what I did is small and harmless. My response to that is to have some thicker skin. And this goes both ways for men and women.

A lot of you are weak and easily shaken up by words and actions. The fact that a girl not responding to a text is causing men to create entire forums on the internet about that shows you how easily affected men have become by such small things.

So I highly recommend that you focus a lot of your time and effort on your own emotional control and strength instead of investing so much time and energy into dating and relationships.

The people that discover their “zen point” as I call it are the most attractive people on the planet. They work hard on themselves, they’re usually successful, they’ve got people that hate on them, but nothing slows them down because they’ve mastered their emotions and behavior.

This is the biggest issue for those of us that may suffer from co-dependency, a serious issue that I will be addressing on this blog and releasing a book on it soon. It is incredibly important that you focus on your feelings first! If you find yourself sad and depressed because of what your partner is doing, you have codependency issues and you need help! Again, I will be addressing this soon to fix you up.

Additional learning:

  • How to Master Your Emotions – emotional control is probably the most important part of succeeding in a relationship. The sooner you learn this skill, the better off you’ll be.

Mistake #4: No Personal Boundaries

This is a common mistake men make when they’re dating a girl with BPD. You may feel like you have found a woman that finally unlocks your inner desires and fantasies only to be left in the dust soon after.

What causes this? Why is it that something that felt so great turned to absolute hell out of no where?

The answer is that while you were high on your emotions and fulfilling your desires, you were actually falling for a facade, a fantasy that your woman could no longer hold together.

You see, BPD’s play into your fantasy desires. They’re very good at not being their true selves. You dropped all your defenses and boundaries and everything for this fantasy figure.

As you know, a BPD can’t keep this facade forever. Eventually they crack and their true self is exposed, a deep, troubled soul. You refuse to believe it so you work hard on getting things back to the way they were before.

Now the reason this facade won you over is because you failed to establish your own personal boundaries that prevent fakeness from affecting you.

It’s important that you understand this point. It’s usually something you can only learn thru experience but I still see guys falling for this time after time after time.

There is a lot of behavior that you shouldn’t accept such as honeymoon periods, being ‘in love’ when you haven’t even been with each other for that long, wanting to get married after just a few months, needing financial support, etc. I have a lot of horror stories.

Additional learning:

  • Dating a girl with BPD – whether your girlfriend has BPD or not, this article is very informative about how to date people that are emotional and irrational at times. The better skilled you are at handling these situations, the healthier the relationship.

Mistake #5: Lack of Self-Respect

This mistake, like all the others, builds off of the previous mistake with a lack of boundaries. When you fail to establish boundaries for your life in general, you’re basically saying you have no respect for yourself.

Did you read my article on self-respect for BPD relationships? It’s my most popular article for a reason.

Self-respect is something you must build on your own, over time. It is something that you will continue to build until the day you die.

There are certain things in life that you should and shouldn’t ever accept. You’d be surprised how many people continue to stay with a partner that constantly berates them, lies to them, steals, cheats and more.

Have a little self-respect. If a girl I’m dating gives me attitude or disrespects me, I have no problem walking away. There’s plenty of women out there.

Check this article out now:

  • Self-Respect Improves BPD Relationships – I really believe that the best thing you can do for yourself and to improve the relationship is to develop your own self-respect. This is truly what your partner wants from you because it shows him or her that you’re strong, you won’t be pushed around, you’re not afraid to walk out that door.

Let’s Close This Massive Article With Some Strong Words

Bonus: Download my free course that contains the most common mistakes people make in BPD relationships, as well as tons of exclusive content not found anywhere else.

Your life-long goal should be to always strive to be the best version of yourself. This means that you’re going to work every single day on improving yourself. I know this is cliche as hell these days, but the secret to this is simply focusing on the small, little things and going from there.

Now because BPD relationships are highly emotional and charged with both positive and negative energy at all times… You have to have complete emotional control over your OWN self if you wish to make these relationships work.

These relationships aren’t nearly as difficult as people think – it’s just that most people (think 90%) are slaves to their emotions.

They either bury their true self and hide their feelings (which is the “Nice Guy Problem”), or they’re overly emotional and way too sensitive/reactive (and thus the Borderline completely dominates you).

Either way, you lose in the end and your partner will seek out someone who isn’t emotionally weak.

The reason why I am able to date BPD and ‘crazy’ women is because I always put myself first in the relationship. I’m not going to let someone else’s issues disrupt the flow of my life.

I know it sounds selfish, but it’s a good selfish. It means I always stick to my boundaries and I establish a level of respect that she knows she shouldn’t cross.

Doing so is what will make you extremely attractive and keep your partners well-behaved and committed to you for the long haul. Check out my BPD Relationship Blueprint program if you want some quick, advanced strategies for learning this stuff.

What other mistakes do you know that people consistently make in BPD/Bipolar relationships?


  1. Mariah says:

    Hi Rick,

    I’ve been in an on and off relationship with my bf for 2 1/2 years. I have borderline personality disorder. I’m in DBT, counseling, and on medications. Yet we still break up every other week and over the years I’ve gotten more and more abusive. To the point where I scare myself by the things I say. I CANNOT stop sleeping with other people when we break up. I don’t even have feelings for these people. I try SO hard. I know that deep down, when I sleep with other people, it makes me miss my boyfriend. It’s like it helps me snap back to reality. He’s making me decide tonight if I can do this relationship and stop sleeping with other people. I can’t promise him anything. I just can’t. I can’t love him. I want to but I can’t. Help :(

    • Until you start believing that you can, then you will never improve. You’re just reinforcing your ability to fail with can’t can’t can’t. So how can you when you think you can’t? Why don’t you put your phone down, stop going out and stay inside? It’s impossible to get laid when you do that.

  2. Trish gainey says:

    Rick…. Your an idiot. An uneducated ass who by writing this kind of crap is hurting God knows how many bipolar relationships. Shame on you for projecting opinion for truth.

    • Excuse me ms. nobody? Next time leave some counter arguments before you go on a trolling rampage. It’s good for your health and will keep you from looking even more clueless. But you can’t even spell YOU’RE so I don’t even know why I bother replying to you. I guess because I enjoy shutting down haters :)

  3. Jessica says:

    Hi, I’m online trying to do some research because I am in love with someone who has BP. He is not medicated nor is seeing a shrink. I need to wait until he is out of his mood at the moment. We go a couple days having zero problems. When I go away he goes dark. He’s uncommunicative, I’m not sure how to respond to this. We have been going through this for over a year now. Do you think picking up the phone and calling is the answer rather than the basic text? If so, what should one say during one of their episodes that will keep a positive light and not focus on his depression? Thank you.

    • The truth is that until he decides to help himself, a relationship with him will be extremely difficult. I would never be where I am today if I didn’t accept that I have issues and must work on my recovery. And now I’m way more successful than most people. You personally cannot do anything for him. He has to do it on his own. The best thing you can do is start doing things for yourself. I know it’s tempting to reach out to him, but don’t. He needs to learn that until he decides to make some serious changes, you’re not going to be with him. This is what you need to tell him okay?

  4. Deanna says:

    Hi Rick,
    Was in a whirlwind of a relationship that lasted over the span of three months. After working together for five months (I’m a server, he’s the manager) and flirting harmlessly (the kind of poking fun at each other kind of way), I began dating my boss (at the time I had to cut back my hours to one day a week for my other job, so I rationalized that the power dynamics wouldn’t be a big deal). The first month seemed like it was going well, however, it only took him about a week to encourage me to stay over all the time. Within two weeks I was there every night. We basically lived together. At the time I was stuck in difficult roommate situation and lining up a new place, and he lived minutes from my job so it seemed like a good idea. After a month we started to have some major communication break downs and I’d say we argued between 2-4 times a week, an every other day basis. That’s when he finally told me had been diagnosed with mild BPD when he was 9/10 years old. I saw a red flag immediately…he waited until LATER to tell me this…I kept thinking that’s sketchy. He learned to deal with it without meds over time and felt healthy. He pointed out he had hoped never to have to tell me about it, but with the fights he felt he probably should.

    I managed to get a new place, but never officially moved in. I decided to keep some things there and hold on to my apartment (my gut told me to make sure I had my own place…I thought it would help create space almost like a safety net). He would often ask me, however to please give it up.

    By the way it took him one month to tell me he loved me and another week to start talking about marriage and having children. I told him I didn’t want to do those things until I felt financially stable (healthcare, a salaried job, pay off school loans, etc.). But I let myself get caught up in the fantasy picture perfect life he envisioned (and which I did too).

    I wanted us to be sexually responsible to avoid accidental pregnancy (use birth control like condoms/spermicides), but he never wanted to. They were too much bother…he just wanted to make love now…it got to the point where I couldn’t say no to sex…and it was all the time…at least once a day, sometimes three times. I began to feel like a kept woman and any time I tried to regain control, he would turn on me like that.

    He would do incredibly romantic things and took us on a couple getaways that were beyond my financial means to do, so he paid for them.

    Then I decided maybe it would be best if I found a different job (working together even one day a week felt suffocating), so I gave notice. Finding an additional job turned out to not so easy, so he was paying for dinners out, groceries, these trips and I would chip in however I could. Any time we fought he would tell me “Well I pay for everything for you” and use my weaknesses against me or threaten to throw me out.

    He isolated me from friends who had been in my life for years, he would get mad if I went out (I am a social person and I did things that cost little or no money to be financially responsible). In the end I felt trapped and controlled. I couldn’t have guys as friends, he didn’t like my bestie, he would shame me for occasionally giving in and smoking a cigarette while I was trying to quit.

    Eventually an argument (one of those 12am-6am lond drawn out fights) things got so heated he threw my possessions out on the street and took his key off my key ring and threw it out as well. When I tried to stop him (aka reach for my keys) he pushed me and that’s when I (and I regret to say this) lost control of my emotions. I hit him and threw a couple things. I had a temper tantrum in his words and acted like a “crazy bitch”. Me, I think I had been emotionally abused for so long without realizing it and felt so helpless that hitting him was all I could think to do (it was wrong and I am seeking counseling for myself). I look back at this relationship and I’ve read every article I could about emotional abuse, manipulators, the relationship between “the caregiver” and “emotional manipulator”, codependency, narcissists, etc. and I can see where both his and my own behaviors could fall into these categories. I am confused now and my physical abuse towards him makes me think that maybe I’m the one with the real issues. I think maybe his BPD and manipulative nature coupled with my caregiver tendencies (probably codependency too) created the perfect storm. How does a person overcome the shame of relationships like this? Right now I feel like a failure, but I can’t tell if it’s because he undermined me or if I really did fail…

  5. Hi

    Not sure if my 45yr old ex gf has BPD or npd but she cheated on me multiple times before breaking up over what she said was lifestyle differences because my home was too modern,I was to clean and tidy,I didn’t drink and her teen daughter hates me.she said we didn’t know each other and shouldn’t have lived together,that I wasn’t who they thought I was and that her kid will always hate me.that she was confused and didn’t know what she wanted and that you never know what may happen in a few months.

    We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didn’t do it deliberately)..my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out
    .what I didn’t discover till a month later is that she had been cheating for at least 6 months with multiples…she finally admitted to cheating with one random she picked up after I presented evidence but I’m sure there was another but didn’t have evidence..3 months prior to break I caught her setting naked pics and bedroom secrets to an ex ,she was blind drunk at time so I called her up on it the next day.she denied any knowledge of having done it and when presented with the msg was not apologetic nor distressed she dismissed it as a drunken mistake and that was that..I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me..

    During last 2 years of Rs she became drunk at least weekly and hurled insults at me such as
    Your not worth the financial convienience
    Your going to grow to be a fat old man
    Your fault I didn’t orgasm
    Your hobby is embarrassing (she introduced me to hobby as a Xmas gift)
    Don’t you want. To look beautiful for your girl (insisting I go to gym)
    You will never find one as beautiful to me to love you (when I discussed breaking up over the child)
    You don’t understand women
    When we would go out for dinner ect she would try to force me to drink and get upset if I didn’t

    Her cell ph acct came to my email address it how I caught her out and in the 4 weeks after our break she was in contact with 4 different men incl the cheater..when the affair ended during those 4 Weeks she tried 2 others dialing 2 numbers every 5min for 6 hours straight with no answer then finally took up the offer of an aquaintance of ours one who had been on her social media list our whole relationship..he is 57yr old,wealthy,drinks,parties and is obese she denied having cheated with him but they were intimate and living together imeadiately and she and he posted public pics on social media the week she had admitted to cheating.

    There was no empathy,no remorse,no emotions displayed when she admitted to cheating or when I asked why she posted pics so soon after her admission when clearly she knew I was devestated she just,didn’t care about me

    Why would she say I was fat at only 5kgs over my ideal weight but it’s ok to sleep and enter into relationship with an obese man 7years older than me ?
    Will she insult him as she did me ?
    Will she cheat on him?

    I know it’s dumb but I feel it’s my fault she insulted me and cheated cause I wasn’t the man she wanted

    • It’s really hard to date someone who has a different lifestyle than yourself. This is why I recommend both men and women to date those who have similar tastes and interests and lifestyle as of yourself. It just makes things a lot easier because you have the same passions. You like to do the same things together.

      You’re not in the wrong here. I’m not saying you need to start partying and drinking. That’s petty and immature of her. Instead, you should just leave this basket case and find a woman who has the same interests and lifestyle as yourself :)

      • Thanks Rick for confirming she is a basket case..she wasn’t like this for first 2 years sure a glass here and there but after that it was bottles and out till 4am on occasions..I called her up on it and that’s when the abuse started..I shoulda dumped her then but I’d invested 2 years and thought it was cause of her kid figured when kid got into later teens and twenties my ex would settle back to how she was to begin with but the longer I held on the more disrespectful she became..she is still with old guy I’m guessing his $$$ buys her the lifestyle mine couldn’t and he is the partying drinking type..she wasn’t materialistic but she craved financial security and was envious of his and her friends wealth I doubt she is attracted to the man as she said while we were together about his prev younger attractive gf
        “how did he get her” he’s also one of them types to place her on a pedastool with little in return except for sex and she was a pro (no pun intended lol)

        @50 it’s going to take a little longer to bounce back than when I was in my 20s & 30s but logically I know we are thru..

        Suppose I’ll always wonder if she will abuse and cheat on him ..he will never know she is professional liar at least she won’t be cheating on me anymore

        • Just stop fantasizing about what she might do, what that other guy might think or never know and what not. Just stop fantasizing man… That’s pure codependent behavior, it’s that white knight mentality of thinking that women are victims and need help. She is an adult. Anything she does is her responsibility. If we want society as a whole to IMPROVE relationships, especially with Borderlines, then we first must stop treating them like victims who need men to stick around and ‘save’ them and what not.

  6. My boyfriend is bipolar…and it seems that he is always the one trying to “play the white knight”. I had a failing marriage and he went as far as to try and save me from it. Anyways, that being in the past, before we entered a serious relationship, I had warned him about A.) Being in a relationship with me and how I am (I have a very quick and bad temper, if I ask you to stop, I expect you to stop,I won’t be nasty about i until after the 3rd or 4th time.. I will get angry ) He’s always had slight problems with personal boundaries but never got too emotional or moody, which I had expected to come eventually, after all he was my best friend before we started dating and I have had other friends of whom were bipolar (and worse off than him) Just under a year later, we have our first baby on the way and he’s been unbearably moody (and myself less filter) but he’s tried to convince me I am the irrational ones in our fights. He will go and purposely do something that annoys me (i.e touching my boobs, trying to tickle me, saying things that he knows bothers me) I will ask him 2-3 times nicely to stop, I will even tell him why…but after the 4th time I usually try to walk away (if he will let me) or sometimes I just lose it and leave to let things cool off. There have even been times where he will be sulking about something, I will ask him what’s wrong and he will start on his “nothing, don’t worry about it” spiel in a very melodramatic manner. Fine. I’ve learned I should “re-ask” him or else he considers me not caring what he is thinking. But then he will go off on how he dislikes my beliefs… or the fact that I am not an avid gay rights supporter or say something about finances that is in fact irrelevant being as we have figured out and planned what we are doing..but because he wants a poster or a certain shirt he wants to add it to the expenses /(which I have told him he can buy from his own pocket if he would like.. he is entitled to buy stuff he will use after all) I usually let him talk until they become personal attacks…again short temper…and I will tell him he is starting to push boundaries (there are other times where I will overreact ) but I don’t say much more than that…unless it’s finances in which case I will remind him about . He then goes and sighs telling me “never mind, you don’t get it” and when I ask him (which I’ve learned to just ignore him at this point) he will go on some pointless tangent about “how I don’t take responsibility…and yeah but… yada yada” AND THEN he will tell me about how he knows he loves me, (not to mention he doesn’t stop clinging to me) but that he feels emotionally shut down towards the world and that maybe we shouldn’t be together because it’s not fair to me (note: the baby was only half an accident…can you guess who knew what they were doing?) ….He also still goes and vents to his mom and dad after telling me he’s had a good day at work…which is not so much the problem…but is increasingly more irritating especially when he keeps bringing up the past, whether it be work, stuff that happened months ago that we have talked through, or even some of my behaviors which in most cases I have learned to control (With the exceptions..I am not perfect) Everyone thinks the baby will be good for him…and it will help him mature a little…which I am hoping. I just don’t find a point in having a family with somebody you can not at least in some ways be attached to. PS: I also forgot to mention I suffer from anxiety and depression.

    • I wouldnt get your hopes up with the baby. That’s just a fantasy, something in the future that hasn’t happened yet. So don’t be surprised if that doesn’t make things better. Understand that if he doesn’t make himself better, then nothing will change when the baby comes. He needs to get his shit together, grow up a bit and start taking some responsibility. In this current day and age, most of society is just vastly immature. So until people start getting their shit together and develop their own inner selves, it’s going to be very difficult for people to experience fulfilling relationships. This is why it’s important to choose good partners and not dramatic ones. I wish you the best of luck and hope he matures a bit.

  7. My ex girlfriend who has bi polar broke up with me after 8 months, Not only does she have bi polar but she’s also a recovering drug addict. Been clean for a year..she broke up with me claiming she needs to focus on recovery. But l later found out the truth myself that she was seeing someone else. 3 weeks after our break up she moves the guy in. Her longest relationship seems to never last past 8 or 9 months . Does bi polar play a roll in this ?

    • Absolutely it does. I don’t write about bipolar much because it’s more a genetic illness than anything else and very hard to treat. BPD is much easier to treat in my opinion. But either way, what she did to you isn’t uncommon even with ‘normal’ women. It actually happens all the time. People date until they meet someone new, and BAM they dump you lol. Happens all the time.

      • And then they dump that person, come back to you, you no longer want them, onto the next person, who they dump, and so on and so on. Until they realise…oh wait I’m 60 and still haven’t found the right person & then realise….oh wait (when it’s too late) maybe it WAS MY FAULT all along!

        My (supposed BPD ex) who has a schizophrenic Mom (who is an old single lady with 2 dogs) has just started dating her work colleague. I was stupidly trying to rebuild our relationship as “friends” and then this happened. Partly my fault no doubt but I still love this girl so much and don’t know what to do. I did display submissive behaviour and not respecting myself which i see now. I worked on my own self but now it is too late it seems. This guy is in for a shock, that’s all I know. I think the thing is that she has told me that she feels abandoned by everyone in her life and I was trying to show her (not give her advice) but just show her that I would be there for her no matter what….and all it did was backfire. There is no winning really unless I just become a complete douche…then maybe she will want me back :/

        • It’s not about winning or losing, it’s simply about accepting what is. You’re worried about this other guy, but why? Who cares, he’s going to do his own thing. Worry about your own life, your own needs and wants before you think about dating women. You’re wondering why the relationship failed, but you just said it right there: you were submissive and lost respect. That’s a deal breaker for women. They second they see you like that, the relationship is done.

  8. very informative article. I also have the experienced about BDP relationship with my ex gf. thank you for giving us the knowledge about BPD. more power! God Bless! :)

  9. Abysmy says:

    I’m a borderline dating another borderline, and we…. well, we sort of violated every rule on this list except no. 2 and somehow managed to stay together. Is this some sort of odd, almost-magical anomaly, or could there be an explanation for it all?
    (if you need more information on what we’re like)
    She’s the withdrawn, “I hate everyone else but it looks like I’ve imprinted on you, so now I’ll apologize for existing with no visible cause” type of person, and I’m more the “you didn’t text me back and therefore you are most likely dead or breaking up with me and now I’m having a panic attack because you didn’t hear your phone ringing and I’m too scared of being alone to leave but by god I will not be left first” type. How on earth has this worked for so long? What’s going on? This is the kind of relationship that makes me even more confused about the existence of higher powers: on one hand, it shouldn’t work without outside help, and on the other, what deity in their right mind would set us up?

    • Lol well as I always say, like attracts like. So because you two are very similar at your emotional level, you two are a compatible despite all the issues. So I’m not surprised at all to be honest.

      • Garbar says:

        Hi Rick,

        I very recently broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months. When I met her I knew she was troubled, but was made to believe it was from sexual abuse at a young age and from the PTSD that accompanied it. As we delved further into the relationship, I learned that as a young girl she had also slept with strangers for money, she felt terrible shame for this and it attributed to her flashbacks and PTSD. Other than her being a constant emotional wreck, our relationship seemed fine. We were both super in love and were together almost 24/7, rarely going a day without each other. I’d often be sad, and depressed about how messed up my girlfriend was, but would give all the love I could and try to make her feel better/raise her self esteem. Her “anxiety” attacks and freaking out sessions started becoming more common, and shed very quickly go from being depressed to freaked out to super horny all in one day. Her doctors began to prescribe mood stabilizers, which never properly worked because she would develop terrible rashes and allergies to them before she could get the helpful affects on the brain. Her psychiatrist said she had bipolar symptoms. A few weeks ago, I had to pull long hours at a new job so I couldn’t see her for two days. I told her that as soon as I got off work on the second day I’d go straight to her house, and I could tell she was freaking out. She completely ignores me for the next two days after that, and is completely missing to me, her entire family and the few friends she has. Eventually she texts me, acting like everything was normal. Once I spoke to her on the phone I got it out of her…. She cheated on me with some druggie who was sold her Xanax… She also told me she slept with people for money when I had to attend my grandfathers funeral in a different state. Naturally I broke up with her on the spot, but continued to worry to death about her because she gets insanely suicidal and was hanging out with stupid drug dealer kids who have loaded guns on them. Their giving her as much drugs as she wants and she’s giving them sex. She was in a completely manic state since the day she cheated on me, and was acting completely out of character the whole time. None of these people she left me for know or understand her condition and what she’s capable of, so I told her parents what they’re daughter was doing, and they got her arrested and forced into a mental hospital. She was that crazed, attacking them physically for trying to help her. I know how much she loved me, and I know all the cheating was induced by mania. I can only imagine the horrible feelings of regret she has, not to mention the fact that she’s in a mental hospital and going through withdrawals from not being high all the time. I feel all levels of messed up, like it’s sort of my fault for breaking up with her, and that if I stayed with her through the mania she wouldn’t have had such an intense breakdown, not to mention the stress she’s given to her family and friends who would turn to me when they had problems with her. I still love this girl, but I think it would be too difficult to keep her in my life. I’m not sure when she’ll be out of the hospital, as this all happened in a matter of three weeks. I have the feeling that I should walk away from this completely, maybe focusing on my own problems and finding someone new
        Could you give me any advice? I wish I read your blog earlier.

        Thanks in advance,

        • Well what does your gut tell you? Ignore your heart for a minute and look at what your gut is telling you to do. Is it saying to cut her off and leave her be?

  10. Hi Rick,

    Been in a relationship with a bipolar BPD female with an eating disorder for three years. She’s not the deceptive type, she just has trouble controlling her emotions, especially anger. She’s hyper aware of this, has been getting DBT therapy for the past two years, and has been making improvements. We had talked about marriage/house/kids which I was okay with at first but then I started to have serious doubts after one of her depression induced rage sessions which lasted two days. That combined with fear for what our someday-kids might go though and a bit of cold feet on my part, made me break up with her and move out without really trying to confront her and talk things out. A couple weeks later, I got the sick feeling that I was making a mistake since overall I’m happy with her and love her very much, so I did something impulsive, which is very unlike me, and that was to propose to her. She was very mature about the situation and didn’t say yes and didn’t say no, but said she wanted to take things slow since she was still hurt from the break up. Her parents love me very much, but mine aren’t so keen, they say they noticed some “pink flags” and have been trying to get me to move closer to them since they miss me, but would support me if I chose to be with her. I’m planning on dating her again and seeing how things go, but wanted to get some advice since I’m torn between getting back together with her (likely for the long haul) and moving away to be closer to my family in Illinois (she would never move to Illinois for a variety of legit reasons). Thoughts, recommendations, tips?

    Thanks Rick!

    • Well DBT therapy doesn’t work, that’s why you still see her same behavior 2 years later. You got to take care of yourself first. So think about what you really want deep down and go for that.

  11. naguma says:

    ex of 3 months is dating new guy who is a loser and using her the way you can use a BPD. We were together ten years and of course in BPD fashion she had a new boyfriend in about 2 weeks.
    I’ll be honest, if/when I get her back I wont treat her the same. Broke my heart, but still want to be with her.
    She came to get the last of her stuff last night, I played her well. First, she had me bring down a big box of all her clothes, she had me put them on top of the 2 jackets the new guy got her for her birthday – both jackets were cheap. She started telling me how the new guy is spending all her money (she has a good job, and he works part time for min).
    I had her in the palm of my hands by the end of the night when I made her leave.

    Fast forward to today, I pocket dialed her – she blocked my number then.
    Managed a partial salvage by sending a text that she replied to only because I did so well last night. I then replied to her reply with a put down/validation. But the pocket dial really fucked things up.

    Should I go NC for a few weeks and let the put down/validation text sit there. Any other advice?

    • Don’t play games. You can’t control her so she’s going to do what she wants to do. There’s nothing you can do about that. You’re blaming things on a pocket dial, lol. That had nothing to do with the situation you’re in.

  12. Hi Rick,
    Last year I met this girl who is suffering from bi-polar disorder at the start I was clueless but since she was in my radar I was all fine and thought she won’t sideline me. But after sometime she started to detach herself from me and I read about this illness in great detail due to which I become extra protective towards her and at the same time I was going through a very bad stage in my life.
    I tried to reach out to her she said she needs her space and will be back once I give her that. After sometime I did communicate with her but still no concrete reply but I love her and yes I read your article about perfection you feel with these people at the start and you drop your weapons down. I did that exactly and I suffered. Until off late on her birthday I sent her gifts I just could talk to her once and she did hear me and did say that she would talk to me but she didn’t later. After many confrontations until now it doesn’t even end nor its going further. I asked her in the last conversation if she is dating anyone and if she is I will leave right away, she declined straight away. After some time through someone I came to know she is seeing this guy but hasn’t told me so.
    Its like she has found spark in many guys but after sometime it all fizzes out. Like she was just stuck with this guy for hours on whatsapp late night but now she is like detached again. Which I have figured out till now because all guys aren’t like me who will understand her illness and will stick by. I understand her completely I committed some mistakes and she also has but I have grown from them. I had posted my problem before but it got lost somewhere where you said FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
    Trust me before it was very tough to stay away from talking to her I used to make a complete fuck about me before. Now last I had pinged her on April 19th which she didn’t reply, I said to myself I have done enough now ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I remembered your magical words FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
    On May 9th she pings me but I ignored because I knew she was just trying to gain attention which
    she was getting all this while just stopped.
    This has been the case till now I love her I will accept her if she comes back but will talk when she comes back substantially to me. I promise I won’t repeat the mistakes ever like before.
    Please guide how I can build myself in the process before she comes back to me! I know this story is incomplete and she has to come back to me I am sure but destiny is a fickle minded bitch.
    I haven’t pinged her and will never reach out to her until she reaches out. I love her RICK I really do. I accept all her faults and mine too.
    I rest my case.

    • The problem is that deep down you’re really just doing it to get her back. That’s the problem. You can’t actually improve until you want to improve just for you – and not for her.

  13. Kenneth says:

    Hi Rick,
    I’m currently dating a girl who has BPD2 for months. She’s an amazing girl who accept who she is and trying to have passion in her life. I’m really in love with this girl but I have no idea whether I can handle this relationship well when her depression kicks in. I always tell her that if or when you’re not fine, let me know. So I will know that I need to handle the situation in a more appropriate way. I understand the idea of not being a white knight, which you can’t really fix her but to accept who she is. More importantly, she wanted to have a family so do I. But another challenge that we will face is the baby might inherit her sickness. She doesn’t want her sickness to pass on to her baby. I’m still trying to educate myself more on her problem. Hope that I can handle this relationship well because I really love her.

    • The baby can’t inherit anything because BPD isn’t a genetic problem. It’s purely psychological. So the best case scenario is that your girlfriend gets her issues handled before having children. If you really want to help her, the way you do it is you let her understand how important self-improvement is to YOU. Meaning that you’re always being a man of growth. This behavior of yours will rub off onto her due to the laws of attraction. So you need to make self-improvement a part of your lifestyle. Depression is usually caused by a lack of desire to live. Why does this happen? No goals, unsure of their path, lack of self-worth, etc. So to heal these problems, you must have goals and feel valuable.

      • Kenneth says:

        Dear Rick,

        Wait a minute… After all studies I have read, you said BPD can’t be inherit? I don’t get it, I found there are so many articles that shows the possibility of children inherit from their parent and yet you said it does inherit? May I know where did you get this source from? I really need to read it. Moreover, you got a very good point. Depression may cause or lead to lack of desire to live. Helping her to find the purpose to live do help her to overcome the pain during and trying to have the will to live. But, she tells me her BPD Depression is more like a physically disorder where she can’t just recover from counseling but she really needs medication to avoid or delay the relapse. Dear Rick, please show me more readings that BPD is not genetic problem but psychological. Million of thanks!

        • All I said is that it isn’t genetic. It’s a psychological disorder. It’s like PTSD where your experiences change your mind. So imagine being a child growing up in an environment with BPD-like parents. You’re probably going to inherit it as well, right? It’s a good thing that it’s not genetic because it allows you to develop your own life and raise your own children your own way that’s healthy. If you want to believe it’s genetic, then you’re just accepting that you can’t do anything for future children you may have. And that’s a terrible mindset to have.

          What’s also interesting is that BPD might not even be real. There are many studies coming out that suggest BPD isn’t even true. It’s just a series of symptoms which is what I’ve been saying for years… As always, focus on the symptoms. Not the disorder.

          • Kenneth says:

            Wow… Rick, I felt like I’m being crashed by a truck now. Well, somehow you got the point. I’ll continue to look into this issue and figure things out. Thanks a lot.

          • Haha, well my job isn’t to sweet talk people. I was doing that for the past couple of years and while it may have got me some fans, the reality is that the hard truths are what last. So expect more hard truths going forward. Get on my email list if this excites you (which it should!).

  14. Adear rick, very straight forward site. Hope you can give me some advice.. i,m a 70 year old woman dating a bi polar man of same age for 6 months. He,s been in a high to extreme high pase all the time i,ve known him, so i have yet to see the depressive side. We blend very well in ALL areas. So far, hes treated me with gentleness, kindness and respect. He,s told me he,d like to get married at some future, although not necessarily to me. I really don,t want marriage.. been there, done that.., and i have no desire to live with someone either. I,m pretty independent and have been for a very long time, but i really enjoy the close relationship he and i have together and would hate to see it end. I,ve had 2 very long term relationships since being married, so i know i can have a close loving friendship without having to be married or living together. I,ve seen his manic symptoms.. the extreme rapid speech, the horrible insomnia, the over the top energy, the hypersexuality, and i can deal with all of that. What does trouble me .. in the past month, he has begun self medicating with more alcohol than previously.. because of sheer exhaustion, i think. He does take meds. I,m not a fixer. But, alcohol is what ruined my 25 year marriage, and i don,t want to go there again. Should i speak up? What should i expect when the high wears off and the other phase sets in? Should i just enjoy what we have together now, and not expect a future together? He,s important in my life, and i believe i am to him as well.. at least for now. What do you foresee in your crystal ball? Lol

    • Yeah addiction of any kind can be dangerous as you know. You’re an independent woman which is good so my suggestion is that if he’s drinking or drunk, then just don’t be around him. Feel free to share stories of the past with him about how alcohol ruined your previous relationships. Hopefully this will send a good message, but there’s no guarantees unfortunately. The key is to not be a fixer. It’s actually better to distance yourself from addicts so they can make mistakes on their own and learn from them.

  15. Elliza says:

    I have been in a relationship with a BPD and Depressive woman for about 3 years now. I was ignorant to facts about being with someone with BPD until last summer. Our relationship hits on almost every point you made in this blog. Until recently I have had white night syndrome, I did NOT establish boundaries. Now that I have made this realization (Over the past 4 months or so) I have been trying to kindly enforce boundaries (like actually going out of the house) and stop trying to be her savior. Unfortunately she does not react well to this. She is angry and becomes depressed when i try and do anything for myself, she will just go to bed. She tries to act like I am an idiot and berates me for not ‘understanding her’. I do love her dearly but i am calling it quits. we have both stopped growing as people because of this issue. MY thoughts are consumed by this now. another wrench in this case is the fact that we abruptly moved 1600 miles away from all of her family and mine- this triggered her into depression (This was 2 years ago). Now, I do not know to encourage her to move back or not. IF we break up, there is no way she will stay here. AHHH complications! please, any advice would help.

    • Hmmm, it’s tough because you can’t really encourage her. You just need to tell her that she needs to do what she feels is best for herself and if that means ending the relationship, moving back, etc. then tell her you support her decision 100%. That’s what I would do personally.

  16. Rick,
    I will try to put this a short as possible. I need your help please. My girlfriend of two years and I have broken up, AGAIN. Recently, and I hate to put the label on her, but have determined she is BPD, with the exception of being suicidal, she checks off every other bit of criteria. It’s been a very emotional roller coaster ride. I left the town we lived in to get away, I didn’t think I could handle her seeing and being with other men. I think it would have driven me crazy. Ever since I have left, we have stayed in contact. She tells me she loves me, but then will go on and on about how bad and mean I was to her???????? I will admit I did stand up for myself, sometimes with anger, my mistake. I never realized what I was dealing with, until recently. Rick, I do love her a lot, so much so, I have asked myself do I have the emotional stability to handle this type of relationship. Can I train my mind and my spirit to learn how to live and love this women and still be happy. Although I can not say 100%, I truly believe I can. She can be the most loving and respectfully person in the world, but during the times she is raging, she can be the meanest. I would like to try to get her to forgive me “in her mind”, for my anger and my hurting her, and try to move forward with a new learned perspective of her and how to handle the relationship. However, she seems to change the story, and takes no responsibility for her actions, and makes everything my fault. I am tired of the arguing, and well, I don’t know, I would like to move forward and start applying the things I am learning from you blog, and start again. Is that possible? Can you help? Although we text, talk on the phone, and almost Skype everyday, it always seems to go back to the past, and the things “I did” that hurt her. Sorry to be redundant but, can you help me?

    • Well I have my course and personal coaching that can help. But your mindset of trying to help her isn’t going to work. Do you even know what you did wrong? You should start by telling her to shut up about the past and move on. Tell her that if she can’t let go of the past, then you’re going to quit talking to her. Tell her that.

      • As a woman with BPD, telling us to “shut up and move on” is a good way to set us off. I am currently in a relationship that is damaged but fixable. In my mind, what that statement would mean is “I don’t care what you have to say or how you feel… you need to forget about all the wrong I have done.” Now, I have progressed in treating my disorder enough to know that this may not be what you mean. However, that would be the first reaction running through my mind. I am to the point where I can step back and realize what people REALLY mean and what my disorder is leading me to believe. Don’t get me wrong, there are times where my disorder’s symptoms send me into an emotional relapse, it’s just easier to calm down and look at the reality of the situation. Also, I’d like to comment on the White Knight accusations. My boyfriend of almost a year has had this mentality for a while and I can see how for certain relationships, this mindset is unhealthy, but lumping “BPD’S” together and saying that this is wrong for ALL BPD relationships is inaccurate. I hope I’m not crossing any lines, but for the longest time, I couldn’t love myself. Having him around, loving me, and being constant was exactly what I needed, I had always feared that he would leave me once he witnessed the extent of my disorder. But now, I find myself recognizing what’s me… and what is my disorder. I think you have it wrong with the facade… the “fantasy” in my opinion is the real us, and the raging emotional wrecks that we turn into? that’s something thats part of us but doesn’t make up who we are. I am learning to share my life with my partner instead of taking over my partner’s life. Some people don’t want to be saved, that is true. But I just wanted to introduce a new outlook to you. Not everyone with BPD is consumed by their BPD. Some, like me, search for someone to pull us up and not take care of us… but help us take care of ourselves. I’m sorry if any of this is offensive to anyone, I just thought it was relevant.

        • Yes my wording isn’t the best. I would never literally tell her to “shut up” and move on UNLESS she is raging at me. I would fight back with fire, but that’s just me. I really like your comment altogether because it shows that everyone is different. While you enjoy having your “white knight” boyfriend, there are also just as many women that would be repulsed by it, regardless of BPD. So I agree with you as I always say to treat each person as their own unique individual. If she likes the white knight, then by all means do it. But generally, women are repulsed by it. So that’s why I teach it as general advice in an article :)

        • Hannah says:

          I want to ask you your advice. I dated a boy for 3 years. At least 3 times he showed me a side that terrified me. I am as shy and sensitive as I am full of love and hope and maybe even ‘white knight’ness, as Rick calls it, too. But my love doesn’t acknowledge his problem OR seek any help for it. He isolates himself and I have fallen into that pattern as well. I love to be a homebody but I feel sad when I’m surrounded by the complaining about everyone I know and love. I decided to leave him. It hurts immensely but I feel like our relationship wont work unless he gets help, which he flat out refuses to do. I feel unsafe, unhealthy and unhappy. He is a beautiful soul but this… Pain… It scares me and I hate when its directed toward me. I tried so hard. Is there hope of us getting back together and making it work? Without him getting professional help is it possible for it to work and for both of us to be happy? If so, how? I also wonder if he will ever decide to get help but I know you can’t answer for him.

          • Relationships are really 50/50. Even if you were the most healthy human being on the planet, if he absolutely refused to get help for himself, that’s his own responsibility and you have no control over that, nor should you. So my bigger concern for you is your feelings of sadness around others. You’ve got codependency problems as in you’re affected by the opinions and feelings of those around you. This can lead to unhealthy way of living as you’re experiencing, which is why it’s important to distance yourself from negative people, even family. It’s tough but really work on your Codependency. I’m making a course on this entire psychological illness as we speak so I do hope you’ll return in the near future and check it out :)

  17. karin says:

    Hey Rick

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years now, and i have always been very supportive and caring to my boyfriend who has bpd, he got diagnosed for bpd 5 months ago. My childhood has been difficult because i grew up with my mom who also has bpd, i had a rough childhood moving from home to home since i ended up in the child welfare and was places in foster homes. anyways my point is that we both had a rough childhood and releasing that my boyfriend had bpd made a lot of sense since our relationship has been like a roller coaster, don’t get me wrong he can be a amazing person, so supportive and caring some days and some othr days suddenly he can make a tiny dicussion into a big one, twist my word, make me feel like i am the problem, call me mean names. i started to believe like was the problem of this relationship and i spend so much time into helping him, that i forgot to take care of myself since i care so much for the people around me. i always put them first than me, and i released that was wrong. i started having health issues like my weight, i had several depressions and felt where i wanted to kill myself cause i felt worthless. there have been several times where i tried to leave him but when that happend he has threaten, manipulated me, tried to hurt himself (which would make it difficult to leave him since i care for him, and don’t want anything bad to happend to him. after 7 years he is much more mature but we still have a lot of rollercoasters in our relationship. i came to the point where i feel lost, i don’t know how to act, how i am or how to be around him since when i try to help him and be around him normally i am either too kind he says or i nag too much since he can’t take care of himself at times so i need to remind him too do what is important else it go weeks before him getting anything done. we broke up 3 months ago and now we are together again.. i just don’t know how long i can deal with all of this, i am going to therapy now to focus on myself and to get advice how to deal with this, i just had to confirm also that if i was the problem in the relationship.. i just dont know if i should stay with him or not, even though i love him with all my heart and i know he is the one for me. but i dont know if i am strong enough to go through this anymore, yet i am scared to end it also. some advice/thoughts would be nice.

    • What I really want to know is if your boyfriend knows he has issues? Does he try to work on himself or is he in pure denial?

  18. Hurt40 says:

    Hi Rick….i was engaged to a woman. ..for about six months. .the six months were characterized by an intense relationship. ….with her having unrealistic abandonment fears…like crying in my arms saying she is so afraid to lose me…and when i realize how much better i am than her i will be gone just like everyone else. I reassured i would never leave her…and i would be just as hurt. She would tell me things like i was her best friend and i believed it..i felt the same way…she told me she would never leave me….she constantly changed her hair Color. .probably 6 times in 7 Months….told me how much she liked change…constantly rearranged her furniture. After the first time we made love she cried and told me she was damaged. ..i held her tight all night trying to console her..the second weekend we were together we went out dancing with her friends. .when we came home and went to bed she cried for about an hour and told me she loved me..i held her and tried to comfort her…in spite of that she was so fun to be with i fell in love with her deeply. ..when we weren’t together she texted me and sent me love memes 4 or 5 times a day. She told me i was her best friend and i felt the same..this went on for about 7 months. ..then for the last 3 weeks we were together. .she would say things like what’s wrong with me…i just don’t want to do anything. …i don’t even want to get out of bed. She seemed depressed. .she was on 4 different meds…and one of them were changed about the same time she started doing that…the last weekend we were together. .i saw a side of her i never seen before. …her daughter s boyfriend. .told her daughter that he didn’t give a fu.. what she did …he didn’t care do whatever you want . My fiance said something like if that had been you or us …she would be done…i said you would break up with me over a sentence? And she said nobody talks to me that way…i was kind of shocked…the day before she broke up with me she texted me saying i was the love of her life….and sent love memes all day…the next day she broke up with me in a text saying she shouldn’t base us on her past but she sees red flags…i tried to call her but she refused to answer. ..i was devastated.She sent all my belongings in the mail 2 days later. I have tried to reach out to her several times through text..most of the time she doesn’t respond. ..i sent her stuff for Valentine’s day. …she texted that it pissed her off. …i told her she acts like 2 different people. ..your crying in my arms afraid to lose me and you throw me away. ..like we never existed. ..refuse to even talk to me..i said you are cold and heartless. That made her really angry. I texted the next day i was sorry….and that my grief got the best of me….no reply.about 2 weeks went by..then i Texted her that i met someone else..which i had not.. gambling that if she had feeling s for me she would respond. ..she did and said if i were sincerely sorry and not have lashed out at her she would’ve comeback..but now her walls are up to protect herself from me..and they are never coming back down. So i sent her a 4 page letter explaining why i said what i said…and told her i was aware that her issues and fears of her past are very real and we can even go get counseling together. I also sent her all of her favorite chocolate s as an apology gesture. ..her response was that i don’t even get the problem because i apologize and justify in the same sentence. ..and how could she expect us to be any different when you don’t respect my wishes enough to back off. ..she said she wanted no further contact from me. I said i will not contact you again and it finally sunk in that you want nothing more to do with me. Rick….i just don’t understand stand how someone can just flip overnight and refuse to even speak to you…after 8 months of acting crazy about me….i want her back so much it hurts …what do i do?

    • I can’t really help you man. Take this as a big learning experience. But you really did everything wrong with this girl from the very beginning, you broke every rule in the book and did everything that only pushes women away. So like I said, just use this as a learning experience going forward. Hit me up for coaching if you want me to go into detail about this because I really can’t write on all the things you did wrong, it would take a while man. You have a lot of mindset issues that would need to be addressed and a complete overhaul of the way you think about relationships. That’s why you attract these types of women…

  19. Jason says:

    Hi, I was dating this 36 year old woman who I believe had bpd… A friend told she thinks she’s BPD almost two years ago, but I didn’t want to believe and never read up on it.

    We broke up in August of 2014 after snooping through my phone to find things. She made me out to be a cheater cause my Facebook activity showed me liking random video posts and a friend request like two a girl a thought knew. She held that info in for a couple of days and exploded on me one night saying she’s done like several times in the past for petty things that deserve a talk but escalate into something they never should have.

    After this last break up,
    she randomly harassed me with smart a$$ comments, or start trying to talk to me again through whatever angle only to blow up again.

    I didn’t pay it any mind at the time because I let her go like she wanted and was trying to move forward. In the past, usually, some event would happen were end up together hanging out, next thing I know we are back together. Throughout the years, I’ve loved this woman so much but always had trouble with the emotional rollacoaster. The hater phase would more than not end up in break up and the cycle continues.

    Throughout the years, her number one thing to randomly attack me over was that we never moved forward. I never proposed to her. My stance was always, give me som time without leaving and I’ll happily propose.

    We never could accomplish that. I realize now a lot of that was my fault because of how I treated her. Not bad, but after the initial high of a week or two being together, I believe I curves my behavior to go into a protective shell waiting for her to blow up over something and leave.

    I wish I knew what I’ve learned reading up on all these comments and experiences.

    Here’s where our current situation is.

    I heard a rumor from a distant friend that she was sleeping with my old best friend when we were broken up. I came at her pretty aggressive trying to get to the bottom of it for about a week off and on. She acted nuts when I confronted her, but change the subject and it was almost like I never questioned her.

    Before even questioning her, I wanted her back, but was trying to be strong. Now after re-analyzing our entire relationship after the news. I decided I wanted her back at any cost.

    Anyway, needless to say, my head was not in the right place trying to talk to her about getting back together. I felt like if we moved forward and I proposed and we started working on a wedding date it would, remove a lot of bitterness from not moving forward in the past and help ease her insecurities.

    Needless to say, I was so wrong. I made all the classic mistakes that I typically would not have made in the past. She immediately brought a new guy into the picture that she met two weeks prior to me questioning her.

    I stopped by her house to talk to her and say a goodbye which went ok. We hugged and i left. On way home had car trouble and called her for help. She first said she was coming to get me, but later told me she was not. I ended up walking to her house, charged my phone, got a cab home.

    Next thing I know, I have a restraining order against me stating a one sided embellished story that paints a completely different picture.

    I immediately went and filed a counter one against her based off irrational threatening txts to me and the false reports. She made it sound like we weren’t communicating at all and I just randomly did the things I did while she had me blocked.

    Her order of protection was passed previously this month, but mine against her was pushed out to next week. The temp order of protection is still in place. I don’t know whether to drop it or push to get it against her since she did it to me. My first instinct is to drop it because I love her, but on the other hand if I do that, I believe I play into her and come across weak when me being weak and putting myself out there too much is what got me into this situation.

    Knowing what I know now about BPD… Is scary, but makes me want her even more cause now I have knowledge and understanding for myself (instead of per confusion) and their obviously is help out there for this.

    I’m real that it’s most likely over, but hard to believe after all the history and getting back together in the weirdest ways.

    Ideally, we both drop the bs, turn the intensity to great intimacy like we have so many times in the past, but this time move forward and get the needed mental help for both of us.

    Obviously, that maybe just a dream at this point which is fine, but I want to insure the rest that I’ll do will be more calculated to one not make me the enemy, but also not the overly nice tolerant white horse.

    Curious of what your thoughts and how me putting an order of protection against her like she did. Or just telling the judge this was the result of an overdue relationship fight and I’m not threatened by her. What are the pros and cons from how she will interpret each path in the long run? What are your thoughts?

    • I mean you basically sent a restraining order as well which I think was pretty cool lol. So in all honesty, the best move here is to just keep that order going and ignore her. Like I rarely advocate no contact, but this is one of those cases where you should go no contact with her for a bit. If she reaches out to you, then you can slooooowly amp it up over time. Basically she’s gotta drop the order before you give her ANY attention, okay? This is to protect you first and foremost, and for her to know you aren’t going to easily talk to her.

  20. Hi, I’ve been trying to figure out my recent situation. Out of the blue my high school boyfriend contacted me on Facebook, it’s been 25 years since we last saw each other. Turns out he lives 80 miles from me now, pure coincidence since we grew up 1,000 miles from here. We exchanged numbers started talking every night for 2-3 hours, after a few weeks we finally saw each other and spent the weekend in my city. We decided to be exclusive and picked up where we left off 25 years ago, it was sweet and amicable. Everything was wonderful then 2 months into it I asked him about a photo that was taken while I was out of town, he flipped out on me, started pacing the apartment yelling at me, his rage came out of nowhere, sobbing I left my apt for work when I returned he took all my food and my extra apt key! Back and forth texting fighting ensued for weeks. He says I disrespected him and his friends by asking about the photo, I said (after weeks of fighting about this stupid issue) he’s not reacting like an innocent person, I broke up with him then he’d reply trying to manipulate me “I’m going to show You that you can’t just say anything to people and disrespect my friends” in reality I simply asked “baby, who’s this?”.

    Back story, we dated in high school and I was bullied by a girl who liked him too, eventually it ended I never told him about he bullying. So, 5 years ago he married said bully, he started seeing her after being away for 20 years. He’s bipolar, takes lithium, has therapy once/week, there were absolutely no signs of his BP until that one day he flipped out about a photo, smh… Also, when we reconnected he told me he was in the middle of a divorce, he’s been separated 14 mos, etc and I just finished radiation treatment for cancer, I’m fragile, in pain and trying to deal with his abusive words. In the middle of this tornado I had a feeling something was off, so I found the divorce records online and the court records show that he reconciled with said bully/wife last August!! Furious at this I emailed the wife and had it out with him. So, it was an awful few months, why would this mutherf***** reach out to me after 25 years, initiate a relationship with me? Lie to me about his wife? All while I’m recovering from cancer treatment? I am still trying to understand wtf I did for this to happen!

    In the beginning of our fight I was trying to make up with him, just move on from this, it turned into a horrible exchange over a period of 5 weeks, I blocked him on FB and my phone. How does a person go from wonderful to a monster instantly? I don’t think he’s bipolar, possibly BPD or a psychopath. Also, I’ve dated other sociopaths in the past, I know what red flags to look for, how did this turn sooooo bad so fast??

    • It turned bad because this guy clearly has issues that are far bigger than you. At least you got out early before it got serious so give yourself a pat on the back for that. But there’s really no reason to fight back over a period of 5 weeks so you got to take responsibility for that. You’re an adult, why would you engage in a 5 week argument? That is just silly. You gotta be the bigger person when you’re dealing with irrational individuals, they’re like 5 year old children. Would you sit and argue with a 5 year old? Nah, you’d probably laugh which is what you should have done to this guy, called him out for being such a big baby and how you’re going to hide candy from him for a week.

  21. laura says:

    I’m currently in despair over what to do in regards to my husband. We have been together 8years and I have known all along that he has bi polar but over time has had reason to suspect BPD and definitely alcoholism. We’re currently living apart and I am raising our 3 small children alone because he is exceptionally unstable.
    Don’t get me wrong, he can be a truly beautiful person but for the last couple of years the bad has outweighed the good. It’s not just a emotional roller coaster, it’s unbearable torture for all involved.
    I have love, supported, ignored and excused. I have become distant and mute because of how he has treated me and after having the police take my children and I away from one of his violent ‘episodes’ I’m not so quick to believe his ” I’m sorry” .. “it will never happen again” speech.
    I am now left to question though, Did/do I even know him at all? And what do I do now? Stay or go.
    I see a lot of his characteristics within other members of his family too. His mother is a compulsive liar who feels the need to manipulate and control everyone. She often tries to hide behind religion and although seems to come across as a very well presented woman, she does in fact have other ulterior motives that only benefit herself. As for his sister who’s in her 30’s and also diagnosed with bi polar. Is it normal to sleep in the same bed as your mother?

    I often wonder if this is why he is like he is. I do feel somewhat sorry and pity towards him but then the other sides to him quickly change my view.

    I have been forcefully pinned to my bed, gripped by my throat whilst pregnant and dragged by my hair- all in which my husband doesn’t remember. I have been mocked and belittled in front of friends and family to the point where they refuse to see me unless it’s away from him. My children have witnessed him punch walls, throw objects across the room and lash out at the dog- I rehomed her out of fear that his next ‘episode’ may kill her.
    He self medicates with alcohol, he’s obsessive and controlling to the extent that he ordered me to ‘go to bed’ like you would a child.
    I left not because I didn’t love him but out of safety for all. I don’t want my children witnessing anymore than what they have and to be honest to save my own sanity as living with him seems to cause me to lose myself.
    Since we have been living apart he has deliberately scalded himself and has mixed medication and alcohol to cope with his suicidal thoughts. He has now started to beg for me to take him back, promising me everything from stopping drinking and regularly taking his medication to even therapy for his anger but I’m truly lost. Can our marriage be saved?
    I lived for so long in fear of my own life that I worry I won’t be able to find that love and trust I once had for him again.

    • You do what’s best for your children. Which to me it sounds like you gotta go. Enjoy your freedom from this man. Work on yourself, give your children the best environment you can. Having him away from your kids is a good thing for them, believe me.

  22. Wife of 20 years. Bi polar 1. Constant ups and downs. Financial nightmares. Neglect of children and home. Drug abuse. Alcohol abuse. Drove me nuts. Literally. I didn’t come to understand this disorder until after she left following an affair. I would fight and verbally abuse her endlessly when she lied or neglected her responsibilities. I just didn’t understand what was happening. Now in hindsight I wish I did. She never took her medicine and constantly marginalized the severity of her illness.
    Now after a horrid break, following several years of a crappy, loveless marriage I have found my own sanity again. Hell, I voluntarily submitted to ECT to eliminate my depression. It worked. Now separated from my wife I have decided to attempt a reconciliation. She is now taking her medicine and is clearly stable. Although she said she has not been ‘in love’ with me for two years she still doesn’t know if she wants to divorce.
    I am spending a weekend with her soon (a date) and am seeking advice on how I should proceed. What is craziest of all is as soon as my depression lifted my life got infinitely better and my love and desire for her came pouring back in like a torrent. Am I nuts to try and salvage this thing? There are kids involved, too. She leapt at the idea of the date.

    • Hey this is easy man, just be yourself and have a good time on the weekend. What I mean by this is that for your date, just keep it chill, enjoy your time together, don’t be trying to hook up with her or anything like. Just enjoy your time together, keep it simple and relaxed. No pressure. Just enjoy yourselves. Have zero expectations. No judgments, no arguments. Leave the past in the past.

  23. David says:

    I “dated” someone I met online for almost exactly a year to the date who certainly met the above criteria. I stayed because of the porn like sex and thought I fell in love but realize non e of it was true, just a lie. I’d say run as fast as you can to a therapist and away from your personality disordered lover. It’s just not worth what can happen when they turn you black and rage, rage, rage! Mine went from wanting to go to Vegas and get married, claiming I was her greatest love ever in life to calling the police and accusing me of DV when I peacefully came to her home to give her apartment keys back after we broke up. She seriously lost her shit and after I was in jail proceeded to get drunk and behave like a whore. I estimate she had sex with over 20 people (men and women) in the year we “dated”. It may say worth it but this is the reality of how they can and will destroy other peoples lives and still claim to be the victim.

    • Lol well this is what happens when you date someone based on the sex. Sex means nothing as I always teach!

  24. Chloe says:

    In all honesty, I think these articles are great. However, I think you make us BPD girlfriends sound more manipulative and monstrous than we actually are. I would really, really appreciate it if you could actually touch on the thought processes of the BPD mind more often, because you offer a lot of talk about misunderstanding the girlfriend, and not quite enough on what there actually is to understand. Seriously though, these are great and the only thing holding me back from forwarding your articles to my other half is the fact that there is way too much emphasis on protecting oneself. I agree that is key to survival, but a relationship really should not be about survival.

    • I agree Chloe, relationships are not about survival but beyond that and thriving. The honest reason why I don’t go into much about HOW to succeed is because that’s what my business is around. Call me scummy or whatever, but understand that I’ve been writing this blog for 4 years and coaching people on an individual level is where I teach the gold. But I can definitely write more about the BPD mind as you have suggested. I am going through my older articles and rewriting them for 2015 and I’ll be sure to explain more of the BPD mind.

      Why don’t you share what personally goes on in your mind? I think that would be great :)

  25. Oh, and btw, he actually was out on a date with the new girl 25 miles away while I was waiting! Couldn’t believe that he actually went on a date while I was home cooking dinner and waiting for him to come back! This was on the 4th day of my visit, after such a beautiful Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and partial Tuesday … about-face! 180- …. The arrogant, belligerent, brutal brute that he became was unimaginable!
    Last thing, I spent countless hours, time and money building him up, encouraging him to become more, only for him to become successful and do a 180- and say oh well, think I want to spend all of this goodness on someone else now! Great job, you! (meaning me)

  26. My story:
    Met this guy at a funeral, seemed pretty nice. I could tell something wasn’t all the way right, but he asked for my number and I gave it to him. We started talking, and talking, and talking … 3 hours every night. Great conversationalist, talked about everything. Find out he is mid-50s, retired, small income, barely making it. I overlooked that, no problem. Started to date, movie and back to his place. Couple of months in he has to be hospitalized for “depression” is what he told me .. says he never dealt with the holidays … a month he was there. He’s out, we continue to date. I encourage him to seek employment, too young to not work. He applies, gets a job 2,000 miles away. I help him financially to get there, even took the drive.
    Fast forward, we’re in two different places, meet up for holidays. We see each other four or five times in eight months, mostly communicate by phone. Phone conversations start diminishing, 3 hrs, 2 hrs, 1 hr, 45 minutes…. texts get shorter and fewer… calls sparse. I confront him over the eight months about someone else being in the picture, that I can tell, he gets furious, says I’m destroying us by not trusting him. Continue on, same patterns, less and less communication. Then he starts to disappear for hours, no answer phone or texts. Gets furious every time I say there’s somebody else, and that I’m wrong, I’m destroying us, he’s not lying to me.
    Happens more and more, same stuff. Accusation, blow-up, no talk for a day, apology, start over again. Arguments and blow-ups are monthly now, starting in August. Fast forward, invites me down for Valentine’s Day. I arrive the 7th, to stay 10 days. On the 4th day there he says he has a meeting to attend at 6:30. I notice he’s texting someone at 5:45 relentlessly. He leaves at 6:10. I wait until 7:45, no answer to call or text. 8:15, same. 8:30, same. 8:45 I text that I don’t enjoy sitting there alone. No answer. I call at 9, says he’s 7 minutes away. I suspect something else was up. Overnight I look at the cell, phone full of women’s names and numbers. The next day he gets sick at work, yet we go to purchase a very expensive soundbar. On the way home we argue because the gas needle is behind red, the light is on, I pull over to stop for gas, he says it’s his car, he has enough to get 20 miles to home. We get gas near home.
    Get home, 2 to 3 hours later he’s telling me that I won’t follow his “orders” and that he “fears” that will be the case in the future, and that he wants to date other women! My 5th day there, with five days to go before my flight, Valentine’s Day 2 days away! We argue, and he flew into a rage when he found out I looked at his phone, and I say some terrible hurtful things to him because of the way he’s hurt me. He broke my phone. He doesn’t want to pay the 400 to change the flight, nor 140 for broken phone. I stay 2 more days, fly home. During those nights, he leaves me there alone, sees his women friends, won’t answer any of my calls or texts, I have no phone, just a sitting duck. I have never in my life had a man to be so rude to me. It was horrible and scary.
    He sends these ugly texts and voicemails, none of which I responded to. He changed his number, then decides to call me ranting some more and gave left the new number for me. Then he texts and asks if I want to try it one more time, he can’t shake me; the next day text that he’s baffled as to why we broke up.
    I really have no questions after reading all of this stuff. He’s never told me he was bipolar, I saw the symptoms, then I saw the medication, then he told me after a year of talking that he was taking Seroquel as a sleep aid and it was making him fat, and that he was going to stop taking it.
    There are so many more of the above symptoms I could discuss that I saw throughout the blog, but it’s not necessary. Anyone dating a bipolar person I think gets the drift and is relieved probably just to know that “it wasn’t me”!!
    I responded to his text by saying the first few days were really great, that I enjoyed them, but that I too am baffled as to what it was all about. I haven’t gotten a call or a single text since my reply. This is the very short version, there’s much more.
    I love him, don’t know what to do with somebody like this. Nice person with issues, but so does every “sane” person. Just don’t know what to think or do! Baffled ………….

  27. jason says:

    have Bi polar disorder and I stopped taking my meds cause It was causing really bad side affects. I Turned in to another person from being on too high a dose I never realised until I stopped taking it. I stopped taking it cause my wife that I love very much was struggling. So stopped my meds cause I was like a zombie all the time and too high a dose turned me into a shell of my former self. I done it so I could help her more and so her post natal wouldn’t get worse. Plus I just wanted to be my self again and take the sum strain of her and help out more. I have always been a nice Good morally sensitive guy. She knows Im a nice guy with a good heart and morals but I been really ill for 5 wks and Now I think she has totally given up me and our relationship was a amazing until I was given too much meds.
    Things seemed better after stopping for a while then I had my first major acute manic/mixed episode after stopping and I haven’t been able to stop going on about how sorry I am and how I feel about not being able to have been there properly and feeling guilty for being robbed of two yrs of what would been a perfect 2 yrs as we were so in love. Though I just started taking my meds again on much lower dose today. cause I think the lower dose may work as most of my probs were caused from being to highly medicated/sedated/suppressed. I know we could get threw this and back to both being happy. If I wasn’t ill all the time or too highly dosed and was my self again and now medicated again but I fear she has forgotten who I am when im not ill and that its to little to late. it was a mistake to stop my meds though just turned me into a acute manic worried annoying mess instead. I now started taking a lower dose again, I already feel less stressed/ill then I did earlier today. What can I do To make it easier for her until my meds are working properly.

    • Yeah with meds you can’t just abruptly stop. This is with any type of drug. That’s why in rehab for narcotics and alcohol and such, they give you drugs and slowly ease you off of them as the weeks go by. Just abruptly quitting drugs can kill you since the body becomes reliant on them.

      My advice is to do what you’re doing, just take very small dosages and don’t add more to it. Just keep it as low as you can while still feeling like your true self.

      Just stop thinking about the past, focus on the future and just tell your wife that the past sucked but it’s in the past and you’re focused on being great in the future and that’s all you can say right now. Let me know what her response is.

  28. Hi. After searching and searching for anything I stumbled across your page and reading and reading over what people are going through I feel relieved Im not the only one with the troubles I am having everyday. Im 28 years old and was diganosed with Bipolar Dissorder when I was just 14 years old. I admit it was runied so much in my life til now. I have been compliant with my medication for almost a full year. I have never felt both mentally and physically stable in my life. On Aug 2013 I met my wife. I put her through so much in a year with my bipolar disorder as well as my children. But i took the step on getting the help I needed from my therapist and my medication. Things finally starting falling into place with me. My wife and I married on Nov. Of last year. And since then… my life has been let’s just say.. difficult. I was always being blamed for things I wasn’t doing cause I did them in my past. If I asked “space” she would fight with me about not loving her anymore. Anything that I said she always had a negative remark. She took my phone one day to go through it to find anything she could fihht with me about. When she found nothing she got mad cause I proved to her I was being completely honest with her. I thought it was just her insecurities on being a 21 year old. And she hasnt grown up all the way. But things started getting worse. Everyday we fight. Everyday. Then when seeking help she was diagnosed with BPD. She was scared but I reassured her i was going to be here and help her. The fights still were coming on strong and then we got into a physical altercation that led her to choke me and when i told her I wanted a divorce and I couldn’t do this anymore she responded “you leave me.. ill kill you”. After her little episode went away she cried to tell me she was sorry and that she doesnt understand why she does what she does. And of course I hug her and tell her its okay. But its not. Im still living with arguing, aand fighting everyday. I dont knoe what to do. I dont know who to turn to. I dont know if things will never change. Help.

    • Wow thank you for your story! See, this is more evidence that people with BPD are capable of love and affection which is what I constantly tell people. You are proof of that. You are making good progress and while I don’t recommend people get on meds because of issues they can create down the road, you still see the changes and all that going on. Right away I could tell your wife has BPD before you said it. I think this also shows that you really do attract what you project. Now that’s not a bad thing here. I just think that as you continue your journey of self-discovery and raising your self-respect, you’ll be fine. Don’t try to fix your partner but instead BE that example of change she can seek. Just be like ‘Look honey, I’ve had BPD since I was 14 and look how well I’ve done for myself’. Good luck :)

  29. May have elements of cluster B (HPD, N, etc)
    I’ve been seeing a girl with whom I spent a ‘honeymoon’ of about 1 year. After we moved and she started living in both the original and present town, trouble started. I am probably to sensitive and respond to her BS with anger and punishment though it appears she may like that (abuse and rough sex). She of course freaks out if I don’t respond immediately to her calls, and is very jealous while she is screwing a bunch of others.

    It seems as if it’s constant revenge committed by both of us (more by her). She attempts to flirt in front of me and if I leave her for a coupla hours she will assume I am screwing someone else and then use that as an excuse for attacks, jealousy games, not doing what she knows I want etc.

    I don’t react the best in real time so I often punish her afterwards or make her make it up to me somehow (give me a massage, buy dinner etc).

    I have responded in anger to her by writing insulting messages and putting her down though what I write is mostly true. The last time I blocked her everywhere and wrote a messasge exposing all her weaknesses, being unattractive, stupid, unrealistic, older etc. The idea behind this was to get rid of her so that even if I bring her back (we both brought each other back in the past after no contact) she would not want to come back. Of course it could be just negative attention to her.

    I often block her and then unblock her later when I am less angry or feel sexually excited.

    What you write about makes sense but these girls often study your weaknesses and then use the to attack. It’s VERY difficult to stay unreactive and strong.

    Do you think it’s possible to cause a change in her in the sense that she stops these behaviors if I change to more unreactive/masculine behavior even after a few years (honeymoon has passed) or is this something that has to be done immediately from the begiinning. Is it too late now since the loss of respect has already occurred and her behavior is worse.

    • I wouldn’t say it’s too late if she’s still keeping you around. There’s a lot of power is not being affected by things and not reacting logically to BS. This you must work on being good at. It’s a skill. That’s why I always talk about how you need to learn skills. This whole idea of just being yourself in a relationship is loaded with BS because sometimes even your best self is pretty crappy. So you need to learn skills and gain knowledge so you can change yourself to someone that’s pretty awesome. You two are just in this passive-aggressive relationship and it’s tearing you two apart. Stop writing her insults – instead be verbal and confrontational. Writing messages like this is passive aggressive behavior and weak. I think what you need is just face to face confrontation. Not so much arguing, just letting her know how pissed off you are instead of holding it in lol

  30. lorraine says:

    Hi i am a 48 year old female with bi-polar and came across this site by accident, have had a quick read at all the comments and found some very insightful and some very stupid. Each human being is an indivisual and seems to me that whether we have a mental health condition or not relationships are differcult most of the time. I think that with education and a good understanding of the condition that your partner suffers with then half the battle is won or maybe that just my fluffy bi-polar world i live in where i am able to hold down a job,maintain a large social network and encourage others to stay well. Two of the best books to read are Mindset,The Chimp Paradox may find helpful.

    • Thanks! You should read more of my articles and let me know what you think. I always like feedback from people that are dealing with it.

  31. Hey Rick,
    I have been dating my girl-friend for nearly two theses now. And I have done everything everyone has already previously mentioned. The mistakes etc. I’ve found however that dating a bi-polar and borderline person can be very exhausting and rewarding at the same time the monster certainly appears after a time. But, that fake fascade if it were Ive found to be just as real as the whatever person. I mean that’s part of the problem is who and what you’re with at any given moment. Through numerous painstaking trial and efforts I couldn’t agree more that having a thick skin and deaf ear is abosolutly vital. And like you I disagree that just because someone is bipolar and/or BPD that they are liars cheaters and whatever laundry list of negative names people want to slap on to their partners and ex-partners.
    The advice I am seeking however is just how assertive do I have to be when I call her on her BS and standup for myself. I don’t want to be misconstrued as being overly mean or abusive not to her but to my own minds eye. I am frankly not afraid to break up or not talk as it is something we have done on occasion and it is not devastating because we always reconcile. I believe that I’ve finally begun to adapt the skills necessary to keep this relationship that I do ultimately value more than just about anything. However the one area I still struggle with is in self improvement, at times I’ll stew in depression over what was said and done. As the experiences have coalesced I have gotten so much better at handling myself and my half of the relationship. I am glad to have found this article and will be contributing and keeping my eye on the site henceforth!

    Thanks Rick,

    • My mindset going into these types of relationships is that the relationship is about me. I’m the center of attention here, not the attention-starved BPD. When you approach these relationships with this kind of attitude, it creates a completely different dynamic. I won’t dive into details about this because it’s advanced and will just cause confusion to most people reading this, but feel free to hit me up for coaching and I’ll teach you all about it.

  32. suzyq says:

    Meet a man on a dating website had a worldwind romance always felt like something was off. He would get mad about small things.I hid a secret that I occansionally smoked a cigarette every once and a while I am 43 he is 53,. He found cigarettes I felt like a kid caught and lied at first but quickly told him they were mine. he threw me out. Knew nothing about bpd. Fast foward eight months later I meet up with him again boom its like magic we are on, everythning is great. Slowly mask starts falling and arguements start about jealously my inapproriate behavior, I always apologize. I am in sales I come home every night he was my world never did I think about hurting this relationship. Next my friends are being attacked they are no good , causing us harm. I rarely hang out with them never at night never when I can be with him. We are best friends he was my world felt like I had to hide things that would make him upset like talking to friends he didn’t like. (all female)etc. Two days before christmas he finds out that i amdoing a favor for the girlfriend of mine he doesnt like boom I am out. He tells me after every arguement he can not trust me, But two days before arguement I told himI feel I have no control in this relationship and he could cast me aside anytime and he tells me he will never let me go. He loves me more than anything . we almost made it a year that time. Now no contact, he drops off all my stuff in my house and doesn’tleave a key.His mother tells me to leave him alone it will blow over in a month.I am struggling I love him when he is good , I want to be with him but I cant’ keep riding the ride with the same results it is making me sad. Is there any hope?? Please help

    • Haha this guy just needs to have his ass handed to him. Call him out on his idiotic behavior. Point out the fact that it’s obvious he’s single at 53 since all he does is throw women out of his house when he gets a little insecure. He’s a fucking child so treat him like one.

  33. Amanda says:

    Hello, I came to this website trying to make sense of recent events in my life. I was under the impression that I was happily married until I discovered my husband in bed with another woman. He had been in an affair with her for six months and is now dating her since he has moved out. He says he still loves me but he loves her more. She has bipolar disorder, apparently the sex is out of this world (although I thought it was pretty good with me). I asked her how she justified having a relationship with a married man and she said we can’t help being in love. Then she said the attraction that he feels towards her is that she doesn’t need him, he needs her a lot more than she needs him. He texted me to say he is wracked with guilt for what he’s done but she won’t let him go. I was devastated at first because everything I thought was real suddenly wasn’t but now I am getting stronger everyday and I deserve so much better than a man who lies and cheats and actively seeks women off the Internet. I guess I’m just curious as to what you think the chances of their relationship succeeding is.

    • I mean you shouldn’t worry about this. I know it sucks, but he’s a cheater douche and you shouldn’t take him back even if they broke up right now. But I know women and they just love men that cheat for some reason…

  34. Maria says:

    A lot of this advice is useful for anybody in any relationship, not just BPD partners.

    • This is how I have designed my training. It’s not just for BPD’s because unlike other websites, I understand that BPD’s are people too. They have the same desires and needs and everybody else. So to categorize and generalize them is terrible and why places like BPD Family are crap.

  35. Kerry Anne says:

    Hi Rick:
    So I came across this site and like the above reader, by bi polar boyfriend is currently ignoring me. We get into stupid arguments and his way of dealing with it is to drop off the face of the earth. This is not fair to me, and certainly not before the holidays!
    You mentioned in your above common that we should “regain self control” – what do you mean? And would you mind going into a bit more detail about “being in control” ? As someone who is not bi polar, how do I stop this bad behavior with him, and why doesn’t he make more of an effort? Does that mean he doesn’t care? I look desperate trying to get him to talk to me, but it’s him should be making the effort! UGH!

    Need advice! :(

    • This is just a sign of emotional weakness in men. A lot of men are this way, not just BPD/bipolar types. It’s just that a lot of men and women today would rather curl up and hide in bed than communicate issues. It’s really lame and it’s where I draw the line. I won’t date someone seriously if they behave this way.

      So really the best advice I can offer you is to not take this man seriously anymore. How can you take someone seriously that doesn’t communicate? It’s just not feasible for a long-term, healthy relationship. You can tell him all you want, but it’s his choice in the end to change. You can’t force change. So hey, just treat him the same way. If he acts up, ignore him for a few days. Give him the same treatment. But ultimately, don’t take these kind of men seriously.

  36. Hi Rick,
    I’m really glad I came across your site. I need some advice.
    My boyfriend and I have been on and off for two years. We have had very low points, but some high as well. I feel like I have tried to do my best to “go with the flow” of his illness- I have tried to educate myself as much as possible, I have seen a therapist, I have tried talking with him, and the problem is he up and leave me like it’s nothing. We got into a small arguement two weeks ago and he completely ignores me. It’s so incredibly hurtful, I can’t even think straight.
    We have broken up and re-started our relationship a few times, but the length at which he has ignored me makes me nervous. The other day when we did exchange a few texts, he told me he didn’t want to deal with my nonsense, even though we were fighting because of him.
    What should I do? I care and love him, but I’m tired of him not trying. Do you think he’s not in love with me and I should move on, or just keep hoping he’ll come back?
    Thanks again for your site.

    • In my previous articles, I talk about how ‘going with the flow’ is the exact opposite of how you want to be in these relationships. If you want any success at all, you need to BREAK this flow and BE in control. That’s absolute truth. When you’re in control, BPD’s are happy because you’re the first person in their life that can’t be pushed around and manipulated. So you score big points there. So my advice for you for now is to regain that control. It will be a struggle but do what you can to get it back. This starts with self-control. Good luck :)

  37. Chuck says:

    Been involved with BPD female for two months. I’m an in-control guy and in a very short time has injected an incredible amount of chaos in a very short period. BPD to a T from all the symptoms and behaviors, my big issues are the lies and the changing on a dime. When she goes into her state she’ll only text, no talk. This can go on for a full week, at which time I lose it and tell here to F off. I like when we’re together, but don’t want to be together! When I lose it I say terrible things to her, then walk. Getting tired of cycle, please help! Need to decide whether to contact again. Need advice!

    • As the man, your job is to be in control of your emotions. You’re going about this all wrong. She’s getting under your skin and you’re reacting negatively. You’re totally failing with this girl. You really need thick skin to date women like this. So learn to control your emotions better. Don’t be affected by her BS. Learn to brush it off. She obviously is in control and has the power. Switch this around and you’ll be fine.

  38. Amanda says:

    Hi Rick-

    So first of all, I’m not dating a guy with bipolar, but he is bipolar. However, I do want to know if he likes me because I don’t think it would be healthy if he did and I were to say that we are only friends.
    We talk once in a while, from time to time. He’s told me most of his bipolar lifestyle and how he thinks his mom is annoying (I think she’s just concerned, really). But do people with bipolar actually open up that easily? I don’t know if he’s just telling me because we’re friends or if he wants something more.

    This article helped, tho

    • I have no idea if it’s because he’s bipolar. I just don’t look that far into things. As I always say, just take it for what it is with the individual. If you don’t like men that open up so quickly, then be done with him. If you find it interesting, then dive a little deeper. My advice with anyone that opens up quickly, however, is that YOU must be slow to commit. And by slow I mean that you must always be less committed than they are. That’s just my advice for this type of situation.

  39. I came to this site to seek help for my youngest son. He was living with a girl and they definitely had a major codependent relationship. She is extremely needy, jealous (reading his text messages and emails behind his back), did not want him hanging out with his older brother unless she was there, resented any advice that my son took from his sister-in-law who works for the same company in the same field, would not allow him to continue in any platonic relationship he had with any female coworkers prior to their relationship, would call her mother/sister every time they had a fight and have one or the other mediate the fight and he would sit there and endure that. When I asked him why he stayed to listen to her tell her mother and sister all the details of their argument, he stated if he tried to leave she would come screaming after him and it would embarrass him since they live in an apartment. In May, they had a major argument and she left and went and stayed with a friend overnight (not the first time she did that) and so he decided after 2 years to finally end it. She immediately began begging and pleading which is what always had worked in the past and he left and moved in with my older son and his wife just to be out of the apartment. He is struggling with the situation. He has told me that he is not in love with her — he does care about her but not in love and doesn’t see himself marrying her and having children with her. But he feels responsible for her. She came to the apartment to pack her things and she took a lot of things that were his and even took things that were owned by the landlord. She left a post it note on the bathroom mirror that stated, “It’s like I’m getting to go shopping.” He paid over $1200 to ship all of that home and agreed to pay another $500 to have her car driven home.

    Still, he feels sorry for her and feels like he is an awful person for leaving the relationship. We have all tried to talk to him to no avail. She is supposed to move home to Texas at Thanksgiving, but sent him a text message asking him if he would hang out with her on her birthday (11/22) because “she’s going to be all alone,” even though she has 2 other roommates and other friends. I hope he is able to stay strong. He has been in counseling and I’m praying that continues so that he doesn’t get in another codependent relationship. Thank you for this site.

    • Well your son just doesn’t know what it means to be a man and stand up for himself. Whether you failed in raising him or not, I can’t say. But what I know is that he’s not anywhere near the kind of alpha male he needs to be to succeed in relationships. Or life even. Sounds like he’s had people helping him out his whole life. And so now he feels he has to help her. Such bullshit. Like I said it’s because he was raised this way. So you really need to take blame here for who he is. And he needs to seek outside help on how to be a man and not owned by women. He’ll never be happy until he learns how to dominate women.

      • Wow. You took from my statement that he feels guilty for ending his relationship that I failed in raising him. WOW! Well, I said I came here looking for help and unfortunately you didn’t provide it. I’m glad that you are so well adjusted that you know how to “dominate” women. Neither gender should be “dominated” by the other. Relationships should be equal and one shouldn’t dominate the other and the mere fact that you think that’s the only way for a man to be happy — I think you weren’t raised correctly.

        • You asked for my advice. That was my advice. If you think it’s wrong, then that’s okay. You’re entitled to your opinion. But I just look at results. I don’t base my opinion on what I believe to be true – I just base it on what I see to be true over and over and over again. And what the most healthy relationships that last and last are the ones where men are more alpha and dominant than your son. So I’m not saying that you did a bad job raising you son. Not at all. I’m just simply saying that when it comes to dating women, you didn’t teach him the correct things. And hey that’s common. No need to get bent out of shape.

  40. Great information here you all, I have been dating a woman who at first I believed was a great catch. Very attentive, kind, loving, romantic etc. After a few months I began to notice another side of her. Angry, jealous, obsessive, needy, demanding. In hopes of trying to make the relationship I overlooked these issues and continued with the relationship but moved out of her house. This of course angered her greatly but we continued dating. A few months later I learned she had moved in with someone else. I was heartbroken and actually worked to get the relationship back and a few months later we moved back in to her house. We were fine for awhile but then her anger and demanding self, pushed me away and I moved out again. We continued dating and things appeared to be “ok” and it was my time to spend time with my son who I get to see only 30 days out of the year as he is out of state with his mom. Well during this time, I did not speak to my girlfriend as she is usually very upset and angry while I am not with her. We contacted each other after he left and began to see each other for a couple of weeks and all “seemed” well again. I was then out of town with work and attempted to call her; however she did not pick up the phone and this alarmed me. I returned from out of town and came to find out there was yet another male in the picture. UUgghhh, not again!! From what I have read these are all signs of BPD and Bipolar Disorder.

  41. sherry says:

    So glad I found this site….It all sounds so familiar. I was with a man with bipolar for about two years….the first few months were great…then things started happening…he punched my dog…begged forgiveness….was sexting with my best friend…begged forgiveness…and a million things in between….we began living together (my house) after 7-8 months…i believed much of the above…i could help him…it ended badly about a year ago…he had moved out before that but we continued to see eachother..now i just heard he has moved in with another woman (her house)…and i am devastated..not only for me…but for this poor soul who i know will endure what i did. I guess my question is..do many bp…go from person to person…especially…moving in with them….and what are the chances it will last with this person

    • To me it just sounds like he wasn’t interested in having a long-term committed relationship with you. I know it hurts but it’s just how it is. It can take some time to realize that you’re not going to be with someone for the long term. So that’s really all that’s going on here, he just isn’t that into you anymore and wants someone else. Thanks for commenting :)

  42. Dear Rick,
    My bf of 4 months just broke up with me. As like many of the stories on this page it was abrupt and he suddenly didn’t think he could love me to make it to the marriage stage. Despite feeling like he could 3 days before I said it was too early to even think about that and you grown into a relationship it’s not instanaeous. I met him on a dating website as I thought I would try something different. He was quickly very much involved in all of my life (except always shying away from social events that involved my family and friends) and I let him in because I saw this wonderful sweet, caring,extremely intelligent, beautiful and somewhat quirky man as many people do during the honeymoon period who I have shamelessly started to fall for. Over the last month he was moving house and was having some issues at work on top of the fact his sister was hospitalised for bipolar depression. This all of a sudden became pretty overwhelming for him and he said he was feeling anxious I had also seen certain things change in him. When I met him he was always on a high but this particular month I saw him become irritable, moody, withdrawn, frustrated and agitated, overwhelmed and anxious, irrational or impulsive thinking not to mention stubborn, either on top of the world or really low. And this was all exacerbated by him starting to smoke pot everyday. He has not told me that he has bipolar but given his sister, his mum have it, his father was an alcoholic and domestically violent and he has two kids from a previous relationship that are on the autistic spectrum. I do have my suspicions that he has aspergers, OCD, ADHD and bi polar. He has not disclosed this to me but so many things above and beyond what I have described points to this. I have resided myself to the fact that I’ve lost or didn’t even have the man that I described at the beginning. However I am concerned for him because some of his behaviour has been very strange. I’ve never seen him on meds, he meditates, exercises a lot and tries to stick to a healthy diet with the exception of alcohol and pot. We are meeting up this week to discuss everything, I would like him to seek help but do not want it to come across condescending or patronising and would love your advice on how to broach the subject without upsetting him,

    Thank you. Sita

    • Well it was only 4 months so the thought of marriage is ridiculous lol. Marriage shouldn’t be considered for YEARS. I say date 3 years minimum before getting married. I just think that perhaps he decided he doesn’t want to date you anymore. That can be figured out in 4 months. It usually takes 4-8 months to figure out if you want to be with someone long-term. So yeah just accept it and move on. Thanks for the comment :)

  43. CubanNiceGuy says:

    2 years ago I began to date a beauitful young woman with what she stated was only “Depression” at the time. When she told me this, I didn’t find any factor that would make me tuck tail and run the other way. I was “in love” and whatever I had to do to make this woman happy, I wanted to do.

    This relationship ended only a year later and after a few months of already living together. Things took a turn for the worst and she became someone other then the woman I fell for a year prior.

    Now after reading this article I see exactly what happened. Everything you listed here on what NOT to do, I did. I didn’t control my emotions with her and I wanted to be that White Knight, something I tend to do often in relationships.

    Since our breakup, I wanted nothing more then to get back together with her. Before it all officially came to end, we even attempted to go to therapy but only after 2 sessions, she didn’t want to go anymore.

    What I realize now is that when she met me, it seems like she was in her Manic phase. She was energetic, motivated, and all so attentive but that faded and arguments of pure petty issues took over. My mistake, was letting my emotions get involved but I simply couldn’t stand the fact that she constantly ran off to her friends or families when we had an argument instead of talking it out like adults. This was a peeve of mine that she was never able to change and now I see that it will never change.

    Everyone said I was lucky to get out of the relationship, even though it was her choice to leave, but why can’t I shake it off after a year? I think about her all the time and most recently we began to chat via text for a moment. It started off great! We talked about our lives in the past year of not seeing each other and what we have done as well as our favorite TV shows. The conversations were easy and fun, but then the past came up and it all went to hell again. I explained how I took time to find myself and work on my own issues in a year. That this process has led me to see that there was a lot of emotional issues that I had to control in order to make any future commitment last. I thought that she would appreciate this but all it did for her was stir up her old feelings. Next thing I know she is back to reflecting her issues onto me without any acknoledgement of her own faults and actions during our relationship.

    So now, after a year of wanting to talk to her, we did…and it’s left me stunned. Should I just walk away from this and just face the fact that the woman I met was just a facade as you stated? Or is it worth it to keep trying to remember the happiness? This is where I am lost because I truly do love her and want to be the ONLY support she has but all she does is push anyone who cares away. From family to friends, she attempts to go at things alone.

    She has even recently told me that she has been drinking more often then not lately and it worries me. Should I be worried? Am I wrong or right to worry about he well being, even though she shows no sign of wanting to work this out? Is she doing this to save her own skin from hurt or trying to save me from anymore hurt due to her mental health?

    Please guys, I need some info her before I make the wrong decision to either stick with it or walk away completely.

    • Stop thinking about the past and instead focus on the future. Do you really see a future with this woman? Do you think things can work out? If so, then by all means go for it. Just make sure you have the skills and the knowledge needed to move things forward.

  44. Stefan says:


    I’ve found the articles on this site rather interesting as they take a different perspective on things. I have a question regarding the advice you provide on BPD partners: is it generally focused on BPDs who have at least acknowledged that they have the disorder and are working on it, or does it apply to even those still in denial?

    I’ve recently broken up with my ex who I believe carries many BPD characteristics (and possibly bi-polar as well), and to this day she is in complete denial that there is anything wrong. She deflects blame of her actions onto others, doesn’t acknowledge her bad behaviour and believes in her mind that the entire relationship revolved around me (LOL – I just have to laugh at this as I bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods). She had unnecessary issues with my family members and often abused alcohol as a coping mechanism. She also has family issues with her own family and has been through many relationships.

    I played the game of trying to “hear” her feelings and listen to her needs, when most of the time her feelings didn’t reflect the truth and her needs were impossible to fulfil. We even tried couples counselling, with us having to stop going each time because the sessions (more likely the truth) became too hard for her to handle. She would blame me for not expressing my feelings, but each time I did, I didn’t feel they were even genuinely heard, or it would result in an argument/fight. So ultimately I just withdrew. Nothing I did was ever enough and there was always some issue.

    So I look back and realise I’m stronger now, more at peace and more healthy overall. My question is, why would anyone put up with this shit over the long term? And what would your advice have been had you been in this situation?? My advice for anyone in this situation is run for the f*&*ing hills.

    • To answer your question, it doesn’t matter whether they deny it or not. This isn’t about her, it’s about you. The real reason your relationship failed is because you “bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods”. This is probably one of the least attractive things you can do as a male. So in future relationships, don’t do this and you’ll be seeing much more success :)

  45. Nicky P says:

    In addition, medication van cause weight gain, which in turn causes more self loathing and agoraphobia. Why on earth do these people want to be with me they think. Hence the reasons for pushing u away. They don’t want to, they don’t feel worthy that’s all, so casual, non complicated relationships are easier.

  46. Nicky P says:

    Hey Rick,
    Very good article regarding how one should look after themselves when in a relationship with someone suffering with any kind of mental illness.
    I say ‘suffer’ as that is exactly what’s happening. My partner/fiance is ill, she has BP II combined with PTSD.
    Long story but have known this girl (34) since we were kids in our village although our age gap at the time dictated that she was much too young although I thought she was cute. That’s me.
    I’d say that due to childhood sexually abuse, parents that never accepted her pain, never supported her and told her it wasn’t her fault, led her to feel how she does today. An amazingly beautiful girl in her teens, her first experience of ‘life’ was abuse. So in my opinion in her head she thought that this was the way to roll, pleasing people and not realising she was never in control. This manifests into extreme insecurity, knowing something is wrong but not quite sure what. Teenage years resulted in her first highs, pregnancy and attracting the wrong types of men. Physically assaulted by men who sense the emotional insecurity and need to feel loved. An easy target. This continues into her 20’s, depression, hypomanic…. Up and down until one day she is left for dead by someone who led her to believe he was a lovely bloke. He is released from jail after only one year. She flees back to her parents where I bumped into her after being abroad for ten years plus. That was four years ago, we are now engaged.
    What I’m saying I think is that due to a multitude of scenarios, family,relationships, abuse and the feeling of being let down by the judicial system, she is extremely fragile. The pain is constant, the self medication rears it’s ugly head once in a while and support and understanding is needed.

    I agree with everything you say about looking after yourself as I am guilty of all the above. But with educating myself, understanding that she has an illness, understanding that I’m sometimes talking to her illness and not her, understanding the need for her space, I have slowly been able to help her get the help she needs, medication and psychiatric.
    When she’s down she’s down. You don’t have to say anything other than tell her that you hear her. I’ve made the mistake of trying to rationalise with her before. Only when she’s on an even keel can this be done. It’s important like you say to have a slightly deaf ear and slightly thick skin.
    Education is the key. No its not easy, especially when there is a ten year old involved.
    The chemical imbalance in the brain dictates moods.

    I’ve blabbered on and forgotten my point. But Rick is right. Lookafter yourself. But if you want to help, then educate yourself. These people may not tell u they love u, or get up to do things with you. And it can feel lonely. But if u r in a longer term relationship I can tell you that yes they do love u tbrry much….they just can’t show you or tell u as due to their upbringing and what they’ve experienced they just don’t know how. In most cases they’ve never learnt to love themselves or be loved unconditionally.

    I personally won’t walk away, but I do need to heed Ricks advice and find a balance.
    Hope all this makes some sense?

    • Yup just find that balance! I just wrote a new article that talks about maintaining that healthy balance outside of the relationship. Check it out!

  47. Hi: I met a 25 year old bipolar woman and we dated for 6 months. It had the classic intense affection and declaration of soulmate eternal love. Now, I must state that I am 52 so there was a big age difference. However, our relationship worked and we never felt that the age gap mattered. During this utopian time, we never had any issues. At the end of the 6 months, the only mistake I made was I violated her trust by asking if she was talking to another guy on her phone. Yes, I admit that I demonstrated jealousy and it is an issue in any relationship. But her reaction was “I am out. I have to look out for number one.” She left the house and never rescinded her decision. We had lots of text/email dialouge for a few months. Stupid me,checks her Facebook profile, and there she is with a new guy, professing the same intense love she had given me. She said that she met him 6 weeks after our breakup, but his name showed up on her Facebook as “likes” of her various pictures immediately after he left me, so I know she is not telling the full truth. It’s been four months and I am still hurting. I asked her several times after our separation, if it was my violating her trust that led to her decision and that I would even seek counselling to save things. She said, “No, that it was annoying, but the age thing led to my decision. I have spent alot of time ruminating and blaming myself for the break up because I truly feel the violation of trust was the real reason, not the age. We don’t have any contact anymore because I made all the classic mistakes after the breakup by contacting her and professing my love, and I missed her, and had great plans for our future, etc. She basically told me to leave her alone and she is walking away and that she is weighing as to whether our relationship was positive or negative at this point. I am still devastated and believe it or not, still have a sliver of hope that she will once again be in my arms.

    • She isn’t coming back so it’s time to focus on moving forward and to stop living in the past. I believe the age thing was why she left. At the end of the day, a woman wants to be with a man closer to her age because then he’ll be around a lot longer. Sorry but you just need to get over this and move forward. I have plenty of articles on here to help you with that.

  48. Hi Rick,

    I stumbled upon this website as I was looking up how to improve myself. I have BPD and am in a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years. We were living in the same city last year, and continued the relationship when he left the country last December. We weren’t initially going to do long distance but it became clear later on that I couldn’t be just a friend with a him.

    We’ve been fighting a lot lately and I feel like it’s reaching the tipping point. I blame myself; a lot of insecurities, constantly asking him to reassure me that he still loves me, crying on the phone, etc. I’m beginning to even doubt if I really love him! I was so angry with all the little things when I saw him last month. I feel like I’ve become a different person and I don’t understand how I got here! It’s like I don’t know how to be in a relationship…which is so weird because we were good while living in the same city. It really makes me wonder why and how he can love me when I don’t even love myself. It makes me so sad that I’m constantly hurting him, but at the same time I can’t seem to let go. I know I really should; it would be better for the both of us.

    He’s really good at setting boundaries but I have a hard time sticking to them. I don’t know how much more he can take…and I don’t know how much I can take! I can’t sleep, I’m so mopey, and I can’t focus on school.

    • Hi Jane! I’m sorry to hear about all this. Your task going forward should definitely be about learning how to love yourself. If you don’t, it will just continue to tear down the relationship like you’ve noticed. Are there things in your past you can’t let go? Anything you need to forgive and move on? Is your diet healthy? Try going for a run every time you start having negative thoughts. This will get your blood flowing and clear your head. It will release hormones that will make you feel good and better about yourself. Let me know more details and I’ll be able to assist you further!

      • Hi Rick,

        We ended up breaking up. I ended up cheating on him as I felt suffocated in the relationship and I didn’t know how to break up, as he would often start crying when I would bring up the topic. The problem is, I started to realize at the end that he may have been emotionally abusive towards me but I always excused it as the stress of the long distance, his personality or that my BPD made him to react this way. I’m not sure how I feel about this relationship…I feel guilty that I cheated and lost a guy in my life but I’m not sure if this is because of my abandonment issues. All my friends and parents told me that I needed to walk away ages ago because I was unhappy and he could be very cold towards me. Have you heard about BPDs in emotionally abusive relationships where the “sane” partner is actually the abusive one? I feel very damaged and vulnerable after this relationship and I’m left questioning myself more than I normally do…

        • Hmm not sure I follow. If you cheated without breaking up with him, that makes you the ‘bad’ person of the two. But I personally don’t judge. I actually encourage women to leave and cheat if their male partners are being emotionally abusive d bags. So by all means don’t feel bad if you feel like it was justified.

  49. thefirstbigk says:

    I met a girl in a bar who needed a ride home because she had run off her date. I gave her a ride home and we talked all night. Long story short I became interested. She is very pretty. But as time went by I discovered she was frequently lying to me about what she was doing and who she was with. She behaved exactly as others have described in these comments. She hurts me and then apologizes. Rinse and repeat. I thought I could help. Mix in her self admitted bi-polar and alcoholic issue and what I consider an over medicated problem. I want her so bad but don’t know how to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy which she insjlts me. Lost cause or is there some way to save this? From my perspective I’m her best hope.

    • Well the first thing you need to do is to stop trying to help her. She needs a man that’s not going to take crap from her, so when she’s lying and being a ****, you need to call her out and fight back with fire.

  50. Hi there I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I lost the love of my life due to my bpd behaviours my ex tried to save me from a horrible life I was experiencing. Due to my white and black thinking treating my partner like shit such as 1 moment putting him on a pedalstoll and the next running him into the dirt. I was still in denial that I had BPD. I loved Him heaps and still do today . There was a recommended treatment but being poor I couldn’t afford to use the private system and there was a long public waiting list for dialectacle behaviour therapy
    I cheated on him a numerous amount of times to satisfy my pain of abbondoment. When he said he would leave me I would threaten to kill myself entrapping him. In the end the relationship came to a sad end it ended in a physical fight which resulted in police attendance and an family violence order was taken out. I had another guy lined up already so I didn’t feel abandoned but that relationship didn’t last long due to an argument I was attacked by him and I had to get an Family violence protection order against him. After that I felt the full effects of abandonment and as a result I attempted suicide 4 times because of the end of my relationships

    I will admit as a result I have now accepted I have BPD and am seeking treatment

    Feel free to comment or ask

    • First of all, thanks for the comment. However, while it’s easy to say that you have BPD, you actually have much more going on then just that. I’ve met and know plenty of BPD’s that don’t cheat or fight or whatever. This is why the BPD label is lame. As an adult, you have control over the choices you make. It’s your choice to sleep with other guys, it’s your choice to fight and treat him like shit. I’m just glad that you’re finally taking responsibility as that is the first step to healing.

      DBT therapy doesn’t work so don’t feel bad that you didn’t get in. What does work however is working on yourself, accepting responsibility (which you have), and seeking forgiveness. Healing comes from forgiveness, nothing more.

  51. I don’t think that being sad or depressed as a result of what your partner says or does is necessarily a result of codependency. It is just a natural, human response and when you are close to someone it is sometimes inevitable.

    • Well I disagree because if you’ve got control over your own emotions and you’re not DEPENDENT on your lover, then you shouldn’t be feeling long periods of depression over BPD behavior. It’s all about educating yourself and putting yourself first. If you disagree with that, then you’re codpendent :)

  52. I have been in a co-dependent relationship with a bpd woman for a little over a year. Made all the classic mistakes. Rode the roller-coaster, beat my head against her wall, dealt with the sudden weird rages and all that. That’s my fault. Thought I could fix it.
    Then my father died. If you really want to see a BPD in all their “glory” just have a need for compassion and support. She started a fight before the funeral, then said my mourning was self pity.
    I’m done. I’m packing all my shit and moving back to my old apt where I’d turned off my power and sitting in the dark until I get paid.
    It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least. The fight before the funeral really was the last straw. But I don’t blame her. I blame me for putting up with it. Won’t happen again. Thanks for the articles

    • daren says:

      I know what you mean. “It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least” this is a dead on description of pwbpd and those other two days are glorious. but then hell ensues shortly…

  53. Dear

    I just want to say that despite all negativeness you find about relationships with BDPs, I must say that it is just partly true. The other part is that-there is always a way of handling it with a rational and warm behavior. I personally managed to find an optimal way to fight with the issue without taking everything personally and against me. My relationship with a BDP was critical, but I educated myself and I really tried to see where was the problem. Communication is very important in those moments of fear. Be calm and understandable in the way you would like to be listened in your difficult moments.

  54. winnie says:

    I think my friend has BPD. The last three years has been one hell of a rollercoaster…One day I opened up to her to tell her that I was feeling sad bec I was getting insecure ON THAT DAY…hormonal. Next thing I know she sends me a text saying we are too close and it makes her uncomfortable…So I gave her space. last week someone we know died..I went to console her at her daughter’s swim meet. She obviously did not want me there. I left one hour later…and now back to cold shoulder. she’s never going to be normal!!!!

    • Actually, you screwed up here. BPD’s don’t like to hear about your feelings. Women in general don’t like to hear this stuff. It’s weak. So, I personally choose to not express my feelings and while girls I date ‘complain’ about it, they never actually friend zone me or anything like that because of it. I believe that being mysterious about your feelings is crucial to dating women, especially a BPD. Women will hate me for saying this though lol but it’s true. Women love a man that doesn’t ever reveal their feelings.

  55. Been in long (on and off) relationship with “difficult” person. Noticed that we never could get close. Anything that required vulnerability on her part was deflected in some way. Blaming, irritability, low, palpable anger (counselor even said so), inability to be alone (5 BFs), is “observant” and proud of it, no (real) friends, manipulation by instilling fear (lose of relationship/sex) Well, the best time I ever had with her was when I just “stopped.” Mostly due to exhaustion, but mostly due to smartening up. I didnt chase or argue. And I hold my ground (btw-calls me “stubborn”). She’s on to new BF – but still sends smoke signals. These types will test one’s resolve, but like children, they respect inner strength. And she was my best teacher. Good advice on here. Be prepared to leave and do so if need be.

  56. I.m convinced that most bpd have axis 11 borderline, I see some sort of sociopathic behaviors as well

  57. Aaron says:

    Hi Rick. I’ve been dating a BPD woman for about 6 months now. Todays actually the first day I’ve done research online about a successful relationship with this disorder. She’s truly an incredible person who has a heart of gold, but when its bad, its absolutely horrible. Through my own trial and error of putting myself in her shoes for the past 6 months I’ve became stronger than I ever have. My hardest struggle is letting her go when I don’t understand why she’s became upset. To top everything off, she’s also 20 weeks pregnant with our child. I’ve learned that arguing almost anything that comes up is the worst thing to do and to wait until she has became calm after the initial confrontation to discuss anything. I’ve literally been to hell and back with this relationship, but its the true person I see inside of her that keeps me here.

    • daren says:

      Shouldve ran… she wont get better

    • I was dating this pretty girl currently 35yr’s old. She had told me she had a touch of BPD but I had no idea going into it, that combined with daily alcohol consumption, the violence I was walking into. She confessed she hit past boyfriends but of course, I thought I could control her. I wished I never met her because she was the prettiest girl I had ever dated and I love to cuddle with her and be told sweet things. Sadly, she was a master manipulator and a liar.

      She currently is carrying on with another relationship with a man in another Country and I read through her emails and saw that they are planning a trip ( while I am dating her !! ) She lied to me about it all and said they are just friends. Yet, a day or two after she confessed that with past jealous BF’s, she will ” bend the truth”

      For any man or women dating someone with alcoholism and BPD here are some sour grapes that will help you get the courage to leave these people, so see if you can relate:

      no patience
      sexually deviant
      has nothing to add to a conversation – boring and dull and only is capable of making fun of what you say
      no ambition
      poor attitude and poor financially

      • Well, those aren’t just BPD traits lol. Those are the traits of a lot of people, not just BPD’s. So it isn’t fair for you to categorize your ex as a BPD just because she did those things. When I see that list, I simply just register that as a low quality partner, someone I wouldn’t want to be with. It has nothing to do with BPD.

        Also, please don’t use names. I obviously edited them out and deleted your 2nd comment. You’re clearly bitter over this girl so go take your frustrations elsewhere. My site isn’t for you to call someone out and put them on blast.

        • Matt Kilcran says:


          You are right. I did want to add that she isn’t to blame. When her Father died and she moved and was trying to fit in to a new school she felt necessary to drink and do drugs. She never stopped the drinking but was able to stop the drugs. I was told that when she started, around age 19, her brain never mentally grew so my therapist told me I was dating a 19yr old. I pray for her all of the time and for myself as well. I was deeply into this women and wish the best for her. I did want to mention that I looked up your site because I was just trying to figure out a way to work with someone with this diagnosis. I found out that she can’t change, but I can. I decided to move on and am going through the grieving stages of departing from her.

          Do you have any advice for me if she still wants to have a relationship with me? But admits she will not be easy on me ever but really loves me? Last, is it true that BPD people are notorious cheaters and liars?

          • Well your therapist is wrong because MANY teenagers drink and do drugs before 19. So this is just an excuse you’re making for her so you can try to make it seem like it’s all her fault and the BPD is to blame. That’s just foolish. As a man, you need to accept 100% responsibility. That is the duty of a man, no matter what. You look at things and you say ‘I am responsible’. And then you move from there. What could YOU have done differently to make things work? If you were a girl, would you date yourself? These are the RIGHT questions you should be asking yourself.

            Just assume that everybody cheats and lies. BPD has nothing to do with it. It’s better to focus on other things than to worry about whether you’re dating a liar/cheater.

  58. Hi Rick,

    I recently went through a really painful and confusing break-up with my ex girlfriend due to manic-bipolar. I’m 33 and she is 28. We met online when she contacted me in May of last year. She was in hospital at the time getting tests/blood tests for a couple of weeks but was eventually let home and she moved back to my home city to be close with her family and start a new job. We started dating soon after that and hit things off quite quickly but I always let things go at her pace. She was incredibly giving, affectionate and passionate with me even bringing me gifts for my house and coming over to cook me wonderful dinners if I was stressed after a long days work. We had loads in common loving the outdoors, cooking, martial arts etc and everything felt effortless between us. I did notice some scaring on her upper arms but she does landscape gardening as a job and is a bit clumsy at times so i assumed that was from the job. We made plans for Xmas and she invited me to attend her Xmas party dinner with her and spoke about going on a trip someone together in the new year. She was excited about getting a new flat so we could spend more time together and I helped her move house once she got the keys. In November a few days before i was due to come stay with her we are texting/talking on phone as normal saying that she misses me etc and then literally a few hours later is breaking up with me on the phone saying she can’t do this anymore and is only going to end up hurting me, her head isn’t in the right place and has things going on at home she can’t talk about. She ends the call by hanging up and breaking down as she says ‘bye’.

    We don’t talk for a week or so and chat eventually but she says she feels terrible about how she handled things and that there are things she finds too difficult to talk about. Just before Xmas we chat again and I notice she was already back to online dating and has a new photo up on facebook of her and a new boyfriend a month after we split up. She messaged me saying that she is going to tell me the truth about things that she never wanted to talk about – she is manic bipolar and rapidly self destructive and took a turn for the worse at her mums house and attempted some really stupid things resulting in her mum taking her back to hospital. She said she had to end things with me after that as she didn’t want to end up hurting me and would never have got involved with me had she known her condition was going to cause problems again. Finished by saying this was very hard for me to tell and that the guy in the photos was someone she met after coming out of hospital.

    If she was so worried about hurting me then how can she just jump into another relationship like nothing happened and not worry about hurting the new guy? Are things going to be different with him? I just feel devastated that she showed me so much affection and built me up as this great boyfriend to then just do a 180 and replace me with a new guy. Is this normal for for someone with manic bipolar disorder? I know I should be thankful this happened but why do i feel so hurt by something that only lasted 4 months?

    • Darlin says:

      Yes. That guy is going to suffer the same thing. I met my so called husband/
      exhusband after 4 months of marriage. I love this guy to death but he is the one now giving up after so many attempts of him to work our marriage. He loves me and I love him but he said the extreme hurting of each other must stop. Isn’t it awful? The person you have accepted and love is gone because of the condition. My heart just drops now.

      • Sorry to hear. But you need to stop putting blame on the condition. I know it’s 2014 and we live in a society that likes to take zero responsibility for things, but believe me that if your man decided to be a man, your marriage may have succeeded. Thanks for the comment!

  59. I have what i now believe to be a Bpd friend. I was that ‘rock’ for her when she really needed somebody.

    Trouble is this year i made the big mistake of becoming emotionally involved with her and i now fancy her-but i can see she doesn’t care about anybody elses feelings-its all about HER.

    I cant see how you can fall in love with somebody yet remain emotionally detached and therefore weakened.

  60. hi i started seeing a lad who is bipolar i knew this right from the start, we would talk every day through texts n see each other once or twice a week, recently we spent our first night together, since then he has said he feels messy in his head and hoping its not because of me, communication is pretty minimal right now just the odd text here and there, im confused as to if he wants me to hang on or let go , letting go is not what i want but need to do what is right for him, im unsure how to go about this conversation with him without confusing him or messing his head up even more :(

  61. Chris says:

    Hi Rick,

    I have made all the same mistakes that you have talked about. Me and my ex BPD had a big fight, she now lives with her mom. I been trying to reach out to here but nothing seems to be working. We had a great conversation the other night about just being there for my daughter and working on our selves; then she raged about the fight we had. She hung up in face and i tried to call her back. What should I do and will she come back ?

    • When a girl hangs up on you, don’t call her back. That’s just retarded. Why are you chasing her? I don’t teach you guys to chase women around here so please stop doing it. Let her come to you, go find someone else in the meantime. Big world, lots of fish in the sea.

  62. Hi All,
    I have been married to my BP husband for 11 years, he was only diagnosed 5 months ago, but our life has been hell for over 6 years since the mental illness took hold (he also suffers from OCD, Anxiety etc). We have two children together. I have tried endlessly to be there for him and have made ALL of the mistakes listed above. Before his illness took over, we were very, very happy together. He is proposing we stay together for the sake of the kids, but I don’t think this is a good idea. He often tells me ‘it’s over’ for him, but he also can’t bear the thought of being responsible for breaking up our family and hurting me anymore than he already has. He says I am an amazing wife and appreciates all I have done for him, but he just doesn’t see that there is any hope of getting back what we used to have. Then other days he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I keep saying that living a lie is a lifetime of hurt and unless he can commit to working on the marriage it won’t work. He is committed to taking his meds, and see his dr regularly. I don’t know if there is any hope here? He is currently living on his own away from the family home. I took a stand in the spring and told him he had to get his act together or we were done. Shortly after this, he was given the BP diagnosis. Everything I read suggests I run for the hills, but I still love this man, and we have been together almost 20 years, have built a life together. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated. Thanks folks.

    • Again this further proves that BPD isn’t hard to deal with by itself. It only becomes difficult when there are other diagnosis added on like bipolar or OCD or anxiety, etc. There are always other issues it seems. Anyway, space is always the best thing for these situations. Just let him do his thing, make him come to you. Do not be a pushover as you need to keep your respect!

  63. Hi Rick,
    Im just wondering if I could possibly get some advice from you, I mean I’ve read your posts here about bipolar…
    I met this guy and dated for a month (only), everything seemed perfect in beginning of our dates, and till that end it was good, only lasted for a month, he decided to not continue two days before I was with him, we were so happy and I didn’t expect him to have a relationship with another girl two days after we spent the night together.. He says his feelings come and go… :( but prior to that he was so sure I’m the right girl for him… Is it common for bp to leave just like that ? I know it’s only one month but I fell for him.. :/ i feel I’ve got codependency as well… :( i am trying to forget him to think its only a month, but that one month felt like forever. We chat everyday, going to movies, dinners, dates, I remember one night we were out on a dinner date, he said he can kneel in front of me to ask me to be his gf, that he’s sure I’m the right girl for him… I fell for him in a month, I just couldn’t believe what he’s done, that two nights ago we were together and happy, then two days after he’s in a relationship with another girl and messaged me that his feelings come and go that it’s best to stop communication…. I just don’t get how a person can change their feelings in two days, :( he’s obviously lied to me when he said he won’t date other while we’re dating… :(

    • Yea the problem is you guys hung out way too often too early. This route is the extreme route – it will either work out really well for the long run or it will end abruptly and you’ll get hurt. In the future, you’ve got to take relationships at a much slower pace. Don’t be so eager to get into a relationship. A mega red flag that you need to be aware of in the future is when someone is saying how you’re the right person and how they are in love with you and it’s only been a few weeks lol…

      • Thank you for the advice Rick. I’ll have to do that when someone comes along In the future. I still can’t forget this guy even though it’s been three weeks since his last message. But I am feeling bit better as days go by. Sometimes I wish I should have Listened to my friend when she said something is not right from that first week we dated but still I went for it so now I ended up getting hurt.

  64. Chris says:

    Really like your straightforwardness about this type of relationship . I been w a woman for 2 years we are a same sex relationship.
    I was searching via google within the first year at what was going on w my partner. Why she would blame, argue ,call names, hit, threaten and so on.
    I finally kept coming into web sites on bpd and when the moment was safe I told her. She had some serious doubts since it was all me that has the problem. But she is now in DBT and working on herself but it is still a constant struggle . I’m constantly having to leave my home because she taunts me w accusations, criticism , and blame when she is in her episodes . Yet it feels like just straight up meanness !! I love her w all of me but I find I need time to recover and to refind my feelings that I feel for her because I get gaurded and resentful . Well just a bit of my story I’m not a saint but I’m definetly not the monster she says I am. I am needing help to keep our lives from going into the trash can.

  65. What'sGoingOn? says:

    I’ve been in a relationship for about 2 months with this amazing guy who has bipolar, and I’m getting more and more convinced that I might have borderline personality disorder. So now what?

    • You probably don’t have any issues. These people are good at making YOU feel crazy. You’re probably okay. The best advice I can offer in a comment is to not react to their bull crap.

  66. As a young man with bipolar disorder, I agree with most of what this article says.

    Now this may seem weird coming from a person who suffers from this mental disease himself, but the first piece of advice I would give to anyone considering getting into a relationship with someone with bipolar is DON’T!. It is simply not worth the trouble. Find someone else. It naturally gets much trickier if you’ve already been with that person for a while and grown attached before you get to know about their condition. That is a judgment call you have to make depending on how precious the relationship is to you – and here I might add, many partners cling on in a noble attempt at “white knighting”. It generally DOES NOT pay.

    I personally have never told any of my partners about my condition and I never will. Not even if its a long-time relationship – I’m selfish enough to know that despite all the “be honest” exhortations, its the fastest way to kill a budding relationship. I mean to be perfectly candid, I would never consider going out with a girl that had this disease and I certainly wouldn’t date anyone out of sympathy.

    Bipolar disorder has led me to wreck some of the most precious relationships in my life. It is incredibly destructive, a veritable acid or cancer to a relationship. My experience is that most bipolar people need to figure out what level of social interaction is optimal for them. They should certainly not become reclusive (that’s one of the worst things to do in such a condition), but don’t bite off more than you can chew. For example, I love kids but I know in my heart that there is little chance I would be a good father, much less a good husband. But I do enjoy the company of friends and I do enjoy dating many women. Anything deeper than that and I know based on past data that all bets will be off. Maybe someday I will manage well enough to be able to take on more depth in relationships but for now I struggle just to cope taking care of my self and not hurting or abusing others. As in many other situations in life, the key is to know yourself, your strengths and your limitations. Just as an arthritis patient would not realistically think about running a marathon, bipolar disease people should be realistic about their chances in life at relationships. Take one step at a time.

    • Well stated, thanks for the comment :) I will add that in order to date anyone with a personality disorder, you’ve got to have think skin. A lot of what I teach here is helping guys develop that think skin and to not take things personally. But it’s hard to reach that point which I understand. It’s taken me years to realize this truth. And now I’m spreading the good word.

    • Allen, very helpful words there. Wish they weren’t so true

    • Hi Allen,

      It’s all spot on. I hope you can grace me with your time. I have few questions regarding my marriage with a BPD husband.

      Thank you for sharing your story. It helps a lot.


  67. I saw my ex off and on, for over a year – distant and guarded a lot of the time, egotistical and everything was everyone else’s fault in his eyes. Little did I know he was doing drugs, met another woman, also bipolar who also does drugs. He treated his family with such lack of regard, always letting them and me, down. All we ever received from him in return for our love was just slyness, deceit and self-absorption. I realise what a lucky escape I had even though the end was painful, almost like kicking a bad habit! Would I date another bipolar guy? NO WAY! Life’s too short to put yourself through all of that – do yourselves a favour!

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