Originally written by Shark on March 13, 2011:
It’s not that I think “love” doesn’t exist or that being attached to your partner is necessarily a BAD thing. I just believe that there’s a fine line between “love” and “dependency.” A large portion of this blog is dedicated to helping guys getting over their ex-girlfriends, getting them back, or trying to fix damaged relationships.
Most of these problems are more or less symptoms of Oneitis. Parasitic love not only corrodes love and attraction, but also the mental well being of unknowing martyrs. I find it especially interesting because unlike the other problems most guys have, Oneitis is NOT exclusive to betas. I’ve seen natural alphas pine after halfass woman and actively take part in their own degradation even while they were CONSCIOUSLY aware of what they were doing.
1. “She’s different from other girls…” Unless her vagina is encrusted with uncut diamonds, she is the same as every other girl on the planet. The “differences” you see are a result of confirmation theory – you see them because you WANT to see them.
2. “I don’t deserve her…” Self-effacing attitudes make you automatically pedestalize a girl. You have to maintain a prize mentality to cultivate attraction and reinforce dominance; never start a relationship assuming that a girl has more worth than you.
3. “She will love me unconditionally if I love her unconditionally…” It’s more likely that she will love you unconditionally if you DON’T love her unconditionally. When you tell a girl “I still love you” after she’s cheated on you, she thinks to herself, “wow if he let me get away with that, he must have no other options.” It’s a subconscious thought process that immediately destroys a significant amount of attraction. A girl will love you more if she needs to work to get your affection and loyalty than if you advertise it in front of her.
4. “She would never ______” Actually, she’s probably thinking about doing it right now. The problem with this mentality is two-fold: Besides the obvious subtleties of dependency, it also elicits a “freak out” mindset. If you never think your girlfriend is going to lie to you and she does one day, your likely to flip the fuck out, act like a paranoid beta for the next month, and otherwise fail the shit test she threw at you.
5. “She’s the only girl that could ever make me happy…” In all honesty, a floating vagina that followed you around would make you much happier than your current girlfriend.
Rick’s Comments: Here we see Shark mention how people mistake love for dependence. For many years, I’ve been talking about the dangers of a codependent mindset. This dependent-type of thinking is what Shark means when he talks about Oneitis.
“Oneitis” is one of these common terms thrown around the PUA world because these types of men would become incredibly dependent on one woman. This is because most men who want help with dating and relationships are extremely codependent without realizing it.
Shark’s audience at the time was for mostly single men who struggled to find dates and seduce women. He wasn’t part of the PUA community by any means, but many men who were turned off from the PUA thing enjoyed the teachings of Shark. His writings were on a higher tier than everybody else, and still is in my opinion — which is why I’m bringing them back to the internet.
1. The more experience you have with dating, the more you realize how Shark is correct in that most women are the same. Or as I like to put it, they mostly RESPOND in the same way to your behavior. This is why I haven’t had issues dating highly emotional women over the years. The BPD relationship isn’t hard when you understand women. At the end of the day, women are women.
Now obviously some women are going to treat you differently. Some women I’ve dated are super touchy feely and love to please me. These types of women are Givers, but you should always be a bit skeptical. Other women aren’t the giving type. They might be very slow to warm up and less touchy. They interested in sex as much as you are.
These types of women may both have the same level of love for you, but they just respond differently. Thus the importance of KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT. If you’re a very sexual guy who loves to touch and be touched, then don’t date someone who doesn’t have a high sex drive. You’ll drive yourself nuts.
I’ve always said that you should date someone like yourself. Opposites do not attract. That’s a myth made up by losers who got stuck in a relationship they don’t enjoy. Only date someone who’s similar to yourself in a good way.
2. This is self-explanatory. If you really think you don’t deserve a girl, then you don’t. Just break up with her now because you’re a obviously a huge pussy. Not only should you break up with her, but you should also not be in any sort of relationship until you grow some balls and start being confident in yourself.
3. This is a real gem to read. I’ve been teaching this truth for years because it’s absolutely true! You ALWAYS want your girl to be working for your love and affection — not the other way around. Most men who find my work are stuck in a rut because they constantly feel like they are trying to “win” their woman’s love once again.
Not only does this never work, but you’re actually pushing her further and further away through your unattractive behavior. Until you get your woman chasing you, she will never respect you like you want her to. And if she doesn’t respect you, she will never love you.
And if you’re thinking about taking back a cheating ex, then please just click the X and close this page. Don’t come back to my blog. You’re asking for pain if you want to get back with a cheating ex.
4. Not much to say about this. Shark talks about how flawed of a mentality it is to think that your partner would never do (blank). This is typical of codependents caught up in the Honeymoon Period. You think your partner is SO GREAT that they’ll never leave you — only to run back to the ex 2 weeks later.
Stop this type of thinking and instead just enjoy the moments you have together. The sooner you can get yourself out of the “this girl is perfect for me and we will be together for a long time” mindset, the sooner you’ll defeat your codependency that’s killing your vibes.
5. Classic Shark. And true as fuck.