If you feel like you’re genuinely a nice guy or good guy, different from all the other “assholes” out there, then please read this article.
Why is it that when you’re good to your partner, things only tend to get worse? You’re going out of your way for him/her, you’re trying to please and make them happy, you ‘different’ from his or her previous partners, etc.
Yet the relationship only gets worse and leads to failure. Why does this tend to happen so often these days?
In this big article, I’ve written about 14 reasons why the “good” men and women tend to experience more drama in their relationships than all the other people you’re ‘different’ from. Read on!
This is a post that has been long in the making. I’ve been really wanting to tackle the “good guy/girl” problem for a long time now, but it isn’t as easy as writing a few articles on it.
In fact, I could write a hundred articles on it. What I’m doing currently is sending out emails for my newsletter subscribers almost everyday talking about this problem.
You can join for FREE right now if you’d like to get this free, unique training. That way, you can spend the next month or so learning everything there is about this “good guy” problem that ruins SO many relationships.
So let’s dive into why being a really “good” person can cause a lot of toxicity and drama in your relationships.
This problem applies to both men & women. It’s the type of person that develops in a lot of people due to our society and upbringing from the last 50+ years.
If you find yourself extremely frustrating in your intimate relationships, then this article is for you. Read on!
#1: The “Good” Man or Woman hates conflict.
The “good” person is always looking for ways to avoid conflict and instead make people happy. This truly becomes your life-long struggle. How fun! Not.
Trying to reason with your partner when he or she is being irrational is an example of avoiding conflict. I have clients that do this all the time as it’s incredibly common.
I really wish someone would have taught me this truth when I was first learning how to date. I was always taught by my parents, my church and so on that you must be good and nice to everybody – to put your own needs as a LESS priority to others.
At least, that’s what my brain decided to learn as a child. And it sucks. It turned me into this chumpy, codependent “good” guy that tried to do everything right.
And yet everything WRONG always happened. My relationships were toxic as hell, the women I dated always left me and so on.
It’s easy to blame the women I dated for being “crazy” for not liking a “good” guy such as myself. It’s what led me to label all my exes as Borderlines and why you’re probably doing the same thing.
Because here’s the truth: even Borderlines can be relatively normal and straight with you when you learn to not be such a codependent-type.
#2: The “Good” person hides their true feelings and emotions
This is really the root of the “good” person. You really want to be good to your partner, and as a result you tend to bury your emotions and your feelings.
The problem with living life this way is that you’re never really true to yourself. You’re putting your own feelings on hold in order to please others.
At it’s root, it is approval-seeking. And approval-seeking never results in a healthy, fun life. Even though you feel that you’re being “good” and doing what is “right,” you’re actually just creating a dramatic life for yourself.
In the eyes of your partner, you’re essentially a walking LIE. Can you see how this slowly but surely builds resentment in your partner and eventually causes all hell to break loose?
When I first discovered this truth, it made SO MUCH SENSE as to why it was so hard to date BPD women.
The Honeymoon Period never lasts. The truth will eventually be revealed, whether you want to accept it or not. And your partner will grow more and more bitter towards you at an UNCONSCIOUS level.
Hence the drama. The toxicity. The rage. The downfall of your relationship.
This is a super common issue that you must work on immediately.
But you can’t just start throwing out everything you want to say.
There is a method to the madness, as I always say.
#3: You’re trying to be “good” because you want to please others
Most men and women who claim to be “good” people are simply trying to be good because they want to please others (especially their romantic partners).
This lie has been sold to society over the years. It’s this myth that life is all about pleasing others and being this “selfless” servant to those close to us.
When this lie becomes such a major part of your core, you will literally bend over backwards to please everybody around you. Saying NO to someone becomes a struggle.
I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about, especially if you grew up in a conservative family or grew up going to church like I did.
It’s no coincidence that church-goers tend to have WORSE relationships than non-church goers. It’s really interesting because Jesus actually never taught people to be these weak, submissive, boundary-lacking individuals.
In fact, he taught the opposite. Yet soooo many “good” men and women think of Jesus as this passive, weak dude who went around kissing ass trying to please the world.
It’s no surprise then that so many religious people end up in codependent relationships.
The reason why I have such an issue with modern day church is because I grew up in it. Much of my codependency was due to being raised in this conservative world that is the common day church.
Understand that when you’re going through life with the goal of pleasing others, you end up hiding vital parts of yourself (your emotions, needs, personal issues, etc.) in order to become what you THINK your partner wants you to be.
Or what you’ve been TOLD to be based on your upbringing. This is a major issue and MANY of the families and couples who attended church when I was young are now divorced.
These are the main 3 issues with this “good” person mentality. There are many more characteristics of the “good” person, but you’ll see that they all tie in to the same root issue:
Approval-seeking and denial of SELF.
So let’s go through the rest…
#4: No matter what you do, the conflicts never get resolved
If you feel that your relationships always have conflict and nothing ever gets resolved, then you most likely suffer from this “good guy” problem.
I always hear the same old story from my clients. No matter what they do to try to make the relationship better, nothing ever works. The relationship keeps getting worse.
Your sex life becomes non-existent, your partner always finds something to nag you with, nothing ever makes them happy – which throws you off course because that’s all you’re trying to do!
It’s a never-ending cycle that continues to drain lower and lower into the depths. It’s a slow death as I say.
#5: You’re afraid to rock the boat
The “good” man or woman hates rocking the boat in the relationship. They like to keep the waves calm and smooth, a glassy finish on top.
The problem with having this mentality is that you become a passive, codependent person who your partner easily manipulates and walks all over.
The root issue here is that you lack boundaries. You may say you have them, but they’re weak as all hell. In fact, most problems that people experience in life is due to having a lack of boundaries and no integrity.
These are huge topics that I could write pages and pages on. But generally, the less boundaries you have, the more people will walk all over you, use you, manipulate you, push you away and ultimately lose respect for you.
As you can see, having your partner lose respect for you is a very bad thing. This is what makes dating someone with BPD so tough. Once they lose respect for you, the relationship is over.
When your lover doesn’t respect you, they lose all that attraction for you. They are completely turned off by you. The cycle of death continues and you can say goodbye to your relationship.
#6: Saying “No” is incredibly difficult for you
This is another major problem that codependents and “good” people have – they just can’t seem to say NO when they really want to.
And it’s not just in romantic relationships. You may find yourself feeling anxiety when your friends ask you to hang out with them or to help them out with something.
You don’t want to do it, but you also don’t want to say no to them because you feel like they’ll reject you, fight you and push you away if you say no to him or her.
But have you ever actually lost respect for a close friend that was busy and didn’t want to meet up with you? Of course not. It only made you look forward to seeing them again soon.
It’s the same in romantic relationships. A lot of men and women struggle in BPD-type relationships because they don’t know how to say no. You would rather debate and try to fix the situation than to say no and assert yourself.
#7: You’re a “giver” because it makes you feel good about yourself
Here is another common “good” person problem that sounds extremely good on paper.
You like to give to others because you’ve been told growing up that it is what you should do. It is what will make you feel good about yourself.
Now while it may very well make you feel good knowing that you’re helping out other people, it won’t earn you points in the real world. You should give simply because you want to give.
If you’re a giver because you’re expecting your romantic partner to return the favors to you, then you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.
People will gladly take your gifts. But to expect the same in return is a failed mentality. I’ve seen this type of thinking do massive damage to all sorts of people.
I know a sociopath who gives only because he wants people to return favors to him in the future when he asks. He really thinks this is what a good friendship is all about.
This is the farthest example of how to have a healthy relationship.
#8: The hero will always get ZERO
The hero complex is another serious issue. I’ve coached countless guys who have told me stories about how they’ve given tons of money to help their lovers out…
Only to have the lover say THANKS and then disappear.
This really happens all the time. I learned my lesson years ago when I gave a girl I was sleeping with $100 and she never slept with me again after that. She said THANK YOU SO MUCH and then dumped me a couple days later.
I learned my lesson, realized that I was trying to be the hero and save/fix her, and fell for the typical chump trap. Live and learn.
Don’t be that guy (or girl). Don’t get the idea that if you bail your lover out, give them money or gifts or help them in other ways (such as paying their bills, their rent, helping them find jobs, etc.) that you will actually get anything in return.
Believe me – you won’t.
Don’t be the hero.
Learn to give space and be infinitely patience. Be comfortable being alone. Learn to love yourself independently.
#9: You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of what to say next
This affects so many people these days. And not just in relationships!
I know many guys who can never figure out what to say to girls. I mean, they’ve been talking and having conversations all their life.
Yet when it comes to talking to a girl that they just met at an event or bar or whatever, they always get this fear of running out of things to say or not knowing what to talk about.
This is the same fear that you get when you’re in a relationship and feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
It’s all a fear based, scarcity mentality. It’s this fear that you’ll possibly lose your chance at having this person in your life, that you’ll embarrass yourself, that you’ll be insulted or worse.
It’s all fear and it’s all the same.
#10: You believe that life should be a smooth ride with the least amount of bumps possible
Just more “good” person problems. Another lie that’s been fed to you at some point in your life.
But this just isn’t the truth. Life is ugly and hard and frustrating at times. It’s just how it is. And it’s okay!
The sooner you accept this truth, the sooner you can actually ENJOY this life and see it for what it is. This is just reality.
Most people are too busy dwelling in the past and thinking about their future. They forget that the future is defined by what you do TODAY.
When you start to fantasize about the future too often and worry about what is to come, you lose your ability to focus on today – which is all that really matters.
It’s a different paradigm, something a lot of people don’t ever wrap their heads around. But the sooner you do, the sooner you’ll enjoy all the crazy things that happen in life.
Part of the reason why I have no problem dating highly emotional ‘crazy’ women is due to this belief system. It’s also responsible for all my business success over the years.
#11: You believe there is a special “key” to having a problem-free relationship with no drama
As I said above, there is no such thing as a smooth, merry-go-round style of relationship. It just doesn’t exist. There will always be ups and down no matter who you date.
A lot of people complain about how their relationship is a roller coaster. Well, guess what?
LIFE is a roller coaster! No one who has ever had much success in their life ever got it easy. Just ask any business owner who finally made it to the top and you’ll see.
The road to success is full of ups and downs, u-turns, getting smacked from behind, side-swiped and so on. It’s the reality of life and when you learn to accept it, it is what makes life exciting.
If you just want to hang out on the couch day after day and have a smooth relationship with someone who is just like you, then you’re living in a dream world.
This is why so many men and women struggle in their relationships. They expect some smooth ride all the time. They don’t realize that life IS a roller coaster.
#12: You analyze everything you do, keeping your feelings to yourself because you want them to be “right”
This is more of a deeper problem and is a major part of codependency.
Codependents have this fear of making mistakes and letting people down. If you’re the type who analyzes everything you say and do, hoping to always say the “right” thing, then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about here.
But as I said above, life is just a roller coaster. The way you learn what’s “right” is by simply putting yourself out there and expressing what you want to say.
Don’t analyze yourself, just do it. Welcome your mistakes and embarrassment. Roll with it and enjoy the process. If you don’t, you’ll be 60 years old wondering why you still have these fears.
#13: You feel that it’s selfish to put your own needs first and to make them a priority
Another common belief you learned if you grew up in a conservative environment. And so damaging to your belief system.
There is this popular idea that exists in our society that says if you put the needs of others before your own, you are a good and selfless person.
Again, it’s pure B.S. and here’s why…
The only time you can ever truly give to others in life is when you are personally fulfilled on your own.
When you’re overflowing with passion and love and independence, only then can you truly give to others and put them above your needs – because your needs are fulfilled.
The problem is that probably 99% of people in society aren’t fulfilled. Yet they’re trying to love and be loved by others.
It’s the most illogical mentality and always results in toxic relationships. This is why I teach independence and self-confidence over anything else.
#14: Your entire emotional state and well-being is dependent on how your partner is feeling at that moment
This is where you get your hot/cold and lack of communication issues. When you feel like your partner is being hot/cold towards you, you only feel that way because you’re dependent on your partner’s feelings for that day.
And you know what? Your partner may very well be non-responding and distant. But guess what?
That’s their issue. It only becomes YOUR problem when you take it personally and see it as some sort of attack against you.
And even if your partner is using the silent treatment to hurt you, that’s just rather petty of him/her. But it’s ONLY an issue when you take it personally.
That’s why you need to learn how to control your emotions. This is a skill that most people never excel at. As a result, they are easily triggered and react to everything in a negative way.
As you can see, there are MANY characteristics of the “Good” man or woman. Maybe you have a few of these. Maybe you have them all.
Either way, none of these make for healthy relationships. They only add additional problems and drama to BPD-type of relationships.
If this wasn’t true, than most relationships you see in our current society wouldn’t be so messed up.
Fixing these issues is the true “key” to having the fulfilled, amazing life that you seek. And it really all starts with developing that confidence and self-assurance.
The reason why I’m able to date some of the most wild, hot/cold, crazy-type women is simply because I KNOW about all these characteristics. I used to be that “Good Guy” or “Jolly Good Fellow” as I like to say.
But you really can’t become your own self when your life is so focused on the approval of others. It just isn’t possible. Even if you’re decent at getting dates, finding quality partners because the next major struggle.
If you feel that you may be a “Jolly Good Fellow”, then I recommend you to check out my Better BPD Relationships course.
It’s a full-fledge course designed to teach men & women how to become these self-fulfilled, confident individuals that last in relationships.
What is your experience with being this “good, jolly” person? Can you relate to many of these points I made above? Leave comments below and let’s start a discussion!