Being in a long-term relationship and married to someone with a personality disorder such as BPD (borderline personality disorder) can be an immense undertaking, especially if you lack relationship experience.
Relationships in general are a difficult undertaking in this day and age. Add BPD-related issues to the mix and it’s like throwing more gasoline on an out of control blaze.
The good news is that being married to a BPD doesn’t have to be as difficult and confusing as you may currently believe.
Now I don’t know what your exact situation is like, but I can promise you that the tips I’m going to share in this article should help you see better days in the future.
I’ve personally never been married, but I’ve been in several relationships with BPD women. My best male friend is also a BPD type so I have a solid understanding of how these people think and behave.
Rule #1: Relationships Always Require Work
While you may be wishing that marriage was fun, peaceful and great at all times, that’s just simply not the case. Every relationship goes through trouble and conflict. It’s just how it is.
Due to poor relationship mindsets, 90% of all marriages lack intimacy and excitement. Half of these marriages end in divorce while the rest just stay together for other reasons.
It’s definitely an issue in our society that needs work and adjustment. I’m of the belief that ending a marriage is sometimes a better decision than toughing it out especially if you have children involved.
All of what I teach is around the development of good, healthy relationship mindsets. And the healthiest mindset you can have for a marriage is knowing that we all have flaws and no one is perfect – especially your partner.
Nobody is perfect in this world. Throwing around labels such as BPD isn’t helping your situation. Instead of searching for ways to work with your partner, you instead are trying to find ways to work with a condition, such as BPD.
Through all my years of coaching and helping both men and women, focusing on the condition never works.
The key instead is to learn how to adapt yourself to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. This is why I teach mindsets and core development. The more open-minded and knowledgeable you become, the easier it is to be a great partner in a relationship.
Read this article for further training:
- 5 Common BPD Relationship Mistakes – the most common mistakes people make in BPD relationships are actually the same type of mistakes most people make.
Rule #2: Knowledge Is Power
Being married to a male or female with BPD absolutely requires that you enrich your mind and be open to new experiences.
What this means is that you need to accept the fact that you may simply not understand your partner as much as you think you do – perhaps you don’t understand him or her at all. This is pretty common from what I see with a lot of my clients.
And that’s okay. I enjoy showing my clients where their mindsets are incorrect and how it’s keeping them from understanding. Once they understand the mindsets, the BPD behavior becomes a lot easier to understand and be in a relationship with.
I commonly get clients that blame their partner and are dead set on believing they’re married to a BPD. But then when they show me their conversations and describe situations, I quickly notice how my client is actually the one making the big mistakes.
Either they lack the correct communication skills, they’re reactive and emotional, they don’t actually listen to what their partner says, they say the wrong things, etc. and it’s actually the client making mistakes that pushes away their partner.
It can be tough to hear this advice but it just is what it is. Most of us have a lot of poor relationship mindsets that actually turn our partner off and make things worse. It’s vital that you correct these asap.
This is why I teach mindsets. Simply studying BPD isn’t enough. You need to learn the correct mindsets so you know how to listen correctly, respond accordingly and not continue with poor habits you aren’t even aware of.
For example, one of the most important skills that you need to master is called Emotional Control. Being a master of your own emotions enables you to control your reactions and respond correctly when shit hits the fan. It can also allow you to influence your partner’s behavior.
It’s extremely important that you stop labeling your partner as a borderline/BPD. Instead, start thinking about it in regards to behavior. Some important things to note:
- Which behaviors are happening on a daily basis?
- Do you know what is causing these behaviors to surface?
- How often do you notice good behaviors?
- Which type of behavior bothers you the most?
I want you to really spend the time to think about these questions. Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything that comes into your head. This is a good exercise to help you bring things to the surface. It will clear your mind and help you think.
Knowledge really is power. There’s a reason the most successful people on the planet have dozens of mentors, attend conferences, read books and more. They know that despite already being successful, they need to continue to learn and grow in order to prosper.
So time the time to learn what you need to learn. Invest your money into books, conferences, programs, etc. You are investing in your future here and educating yourself. This is nothing but positive improvement.
I highly suggest you check out these resources:
- Control and Master Your Emotions – controlling your emotions get you more respect and increase your self-worth. This is key in BPD relationships.
Rule #3: Codependency Makes Things Worse
Your partner won’t stick with you as long as you fail to control your feelings and emotions. Understand that the way you feel is expressed through your body and it shows. This is why you can’t simply mask over a problem with words.
People with BPD already have a lot of difficulty controlling their emotions. But it isn’t your job to control them or tell them how to behave or rescue them from their issues.
They’re going to say a lot of things, they’re going to rage, they will be irrational. So knowing this, instead of trying to stop these things from happening, you just focus on how respond to it. And that’s easy to learn.
When you fail to control your emotions and instead be a reactionary person, it becomes very easy for you to be emotionally destroyed by certain behavior such as:
- Lying / Cheating
- Love You / Hate You
- Physical Aggression
- Extreme Mood Changes
- Absurd Accusations
Codependency and passive behavior go hand in hand. The most unattractive behavior men show in relationships is when they become weak and passive. They fail to stand up for themselves, they fail to be aggressive, they fail to be masculine, they fail to correct a rocking boat.
They only say things that they think she wants to hear. It always backfires. You try to be affectionate and show that you care, but this backfires as well. This is because people don’t want affection – they want love. And affection is not love.
These reasons are why men become weak and constantly live in a state of fear during the relationship. You walk on egg shells because you feel that anything you say will set your partner off.
Well, this is because everything you say isn’t what your partner wants to hear. You’re saying the wrong things, you’re failing at understanding, you don’t listen and your partner knows it. Therefore, she pulls away.
Understand that when you’re doing anything in life with hopes of getting a good reaction, it will always backfire. It’s the same as brown nosing your boss with hopes of getting a promotion, but of course he never gives it to you.
The biggest reason why I’ve been able to succeed in BPD relationship is because I simply speak from my gut. I’m not afraid to say what I want to say. I speak my opinions and I tell it as it is.
But at the same time, I have the correct mindsets and knowledge that allow me to do this. The women I date know I understand and listen to them, so they know my hard feedback is worth listening to and from a place of honesty. I never complain. I just give honest feedback.
Check these articles out for further learning:
- Why Codependency Is Worse Than BPD – it’s 2015 and I now believe that codependency is worse than BPD. This is because codependency causes you to make poor mistakes that only worsen the relationship.
- Dating a Woman with BPD – if you’re looking for more information about dating a woman with BPD, then check this article out.
- The Fear of Abandonment – what exactly is the fear of abandonment? This is my take on it.
Rule #4: Your Behavior Sets The Tone
It’s good you’re hearing looking for help. But you must be looking for the right kind of help. The wrong kind of help will only make things worse for you.
Most people spend their time reading articles about BPD and placing their partner in this BPD box. It’s a very poor mindset because you end of labeling your partner and generalizing him or her.
It’s a way of saying you’re superior to your partner because they have BPD and you don’t. It’s a way of saying that they have problems and are therefore responsible for the failure of the relationship.
It’s such a shit mindset to have because you completely forget that relationship involve two people to succeed. So spending all your time trying to figure out and fix your partner is such a massive sign of disrespect.
It’s really no wonder at all why your partner continues to draw further and further away from you despite all these hours and hours you’ve spent learning about BPD.
So I hope you can see why I focus on teaching you the correct mindsets that are essential for succeeding in relationships. You need to get away from trying to learn about BPD and instead spend time learning how to be the loving, caring partner that you need to be.
If this means you need to completely change your life because you’ve been doing everything wrong forever, then yes – you need to change your entire outlook on life and relationships.
The mindsets I teach develop an attitude and mentality that gives you the skills and the ability to be a great partner with BPD’s.
As you see yourself succeed in these situations, you will continue to gain the confidence and values that will only garner you more and more respect from your partner.
So understand that you probably have had poor relationship mindsets for your entire life. Since you’re 50% of a relationship, simply changing your own mindsets often time is more than enough to turn a relationship around into success.
Most Marriages Are Crummy These Days…
A lot of people think marriage is this blissful step to awesomeness that will only bring you two closer together. However, 90% of marriages are pretty crummy.
As the science of relationships has proven over and over again, men and women that have control over their emotions, have the confidence, have gained the deserved respect and know the skills and habits always succeed – even if they’re dating a Borderline.
BPD’s desperately want a partner that isn’t afraid to challenge their behavior. Think of it as a man or woman that is looking for a father figure of sorts. It’s why a lot of BPD women get labeled as women with ‘daddy issues’. They want you to treat them with this ‘boss daddy’ attitude.
Without the know-how and the skills, the relationship collapses as it continues. Your passive behavior continues to kill attraction, your failure to show your strong, confidence side kills attraction, the fact that you’ve let your partner push you around and treat you bad shows that you have no respect for yourself.
That also kills attraction. And as time goes on, your partner begins to grow colder and colder. They occasionally see the awesomeness of you that they were attracted to in the beginning, but the BPD’s attitude has broken you down to the point where you’re unattractive.
This is exactly why I created the BPD Relationship Course. There are so many men and women that just don’t get why their partners are leaving them. And the last thing I want to see is a marriage ruined because of this behavior that can easily be dealt with when you know how.
Are you currently married to a BPD? What is your experience in marriage so far? Comment below and share your experiences and feedback.