Being in a long-term relationship and married to someone with a personality disorder such as BPD (borderline personality disorder) can be an immense undertaking, especially if you have no prior knowledge to what you’re up against.
Relationships in general are difficult for most people. Add BPD-related issues to the mix and it’s like throwing more gasoline on an out of control blaze.
The good news is that being married to a BPD doesn’t have to be as difficult and confusing as you may currently believe.
Now I don’t know what your exact situation is like, but I can promise you that with the tips I’m going to share in this article, you should be able to see better days in the future.
I’ve personally never been married, but I’ve been in several relationships with BPD women. My best male friend is also a BPD type so I have a solid understanding of how these people think and behave.
Rule #1: Marriage Is Always Difficult
I believe it’s important for you to understand this. While you may be wishing that marriage was fun, peaceful and great at all times, that’s just simply not the case. Even the most normal people out there have difficulties in marriage.
I take marriage very seriously. 90% of all marriages are usually failed relationships (even if they aren’t divorced) so it’s definitely an issue in our society that needs help. I would only advise you to actually leave your partner if you’re in a dire situation.
For example, let’s say your partner has cheated on you terribly, they’ve been draining you of your finances and now you’re left mentally and physically destroyed. This is a situation where I believe that you must put yourself first and leave the very source of your destruction.
In many of my recent articles, such as the 5 Mistakes People Make In BPD Relationships, then you’ll know that I don’t like to label people as BPD. I like to dig deeper and see what exact issues I’m going up against.
Nobody is perfect in this world. We all have our own issues and behaviors that aren’t attractive. BPD’s simply have more of these than we do. They have more going on in their core that we care to know about.
This is really important to understand because what may seem extremely odd and unusual to you could simply be no big deal and easy to handle to somebody else (like me).
The key to being in a long-term relationship and marriage with a BPD man or woman is being highly educated and trained in the skills required to not only survive, but kick ass.
Rule #2: Knowledge Is Power and Absolutely Required
Being married to a male or female with BPD absolutely requires that you educate yourself as much as possible. The more knowledge you have, the more confident you’ll become. You’ll begin to see a much bigger picture of things and you’ll be ready for anything that flies your way.
It requires much more than just reading articles on BPD and asking for advice on forums. You need to think bigger here and learn all you can about relationships, confidence, self-improvement, success and more.
You can’t just seek out relationship techniques and expect things to get better for the long-haul. Your focus needs to be on all-around improvement in all areas of your life.
It’s why I write about so many different subjects on this website. Succeeding in anything in life requires the right mindsets, beliefs, and skills.
So while you may simply be here hoping to learn skills, understand that it’s at most only 33% of what you need to succeed.
For example, one of the most important skills that you need to master is called Emotional Control. Being a master of your own emotions enables you to control your reactions and respond correctly when shit hits the fan. It can also allow you to influence your partner’s behavior.
It’s extremely important that you stop labeling your partner as a borderline/BPD. Instead, start thinking about it in regards to behavior. Some important things to note:
- Which behaviors are happening on a daily basis?
- Do you know what is causing these behaviors to surface?
- How often do you notice good behaviors?
- Which type of behavior bothers you the most?
I want you to really spend the time to think about these questions. Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything that comes into your head. This is a good exercise to help you bring things to the surface. It will clear your mind and help you think.
Knowledge really is power. There’s a reason the most successful people on the planet have dozens of mentors, attend conferences, read books and more. They know that despite already being successful, they need to continue to learn and grow in order to prosper.
So time the time to learn what you need to learn. Invest your money into books, conferences, programs, etc. You are investing in your future here and educating yourself. This is nothing but positive improvement.
Rule #3: Kill Your Passiveness and Codependency
Your partner won’t stick with you as long as you fail to control your feelings and emotions. Understand that feelings come from your whole body, while thoughts come from your head. This is why you can’t simply think a certain feeling away.
People with BPD have much difficulty in relationships because they have a very hard time controlling their feelings and emotions. They say a lot of things and think certain ways, but their behavior always tells the real story. Which is why you need to be a master of your own emotions.
When you lack emotional control, it becomes very easy for you to be emotionally destroyed by certain behavior such as:
- Lying / Cheating
- Love You / Hate You
- Physical Aggression
- Extreme Mood Changes
- Absurd Accusations
I highly recommend you read this article about Codependency and BPD relationships. A lot of people have codependency issues which often times finds you dating a BPD because they too are codependents.
Codependency and passive behavior go hand in hand. The most unattractive behavior men show in relationships is when they become weak and passive. They fail to stand up for themselves, they fail to be aggressive, they fail to be masculine, they fail to correct a rocking boat.
If you want to know the #1 reason why men fail when dating BPD women, it’s because they become weak and fear losing their partner. If you feel that your partner tends to push you around and treat you poorly, I highly suggest you spend the time to learn about codependency.
I personally find people with BPD to be extremely fascinating individuals. Every girl I’ve ever dated that was extremely moody and full of emotions has taught me a lot about life and has helped me grow as a person. They usually have a very creative side to them with lots of potential.
However, it’s not my job to help them. My job, as a man in a relationship, is to be that masculine force that won’t be pushed around. I’m not afraid to tell her NO and to fight back. The last thing I will be in these BPD relationships is a passive individual.
Rule #4: Your Behavior Sets The Tone
A lot of the material you’ll read on this website is meant to help you develop the type of attitude, mindsets, skills and more to succeed at BPD relationships. They ain’t easy and it’s good that you’re seeking help.
This attitude that you develop should never change throughout the entire duration of the relationship – from day 1 to year 99 of the marriage. It needs to become who you are as a person.
Most people don’t understand how important your attitude is in BPD relationships. Having control over your emotions and having the correct attitude is what’s going to naturally give you the right behaviors, responses and more to every crazy situation you encounter.
This attitude and mentality helps you have the discipline and the knowledge to diffuse situations that you’d normally fail at. Seeing yourself succeed in these situations will only further give you more and more confidence in your relationship. Which of course equals more lovely good times with your partner!
As the non-BPD, you it’s your job to be the one that wears the pants in the relationship. Now this doesn’t mean that you need to be constantly helping and bailing them out. That is incorrect and unattractive.
Instead, you need to work as hard as possible on not being a push over. Go ahead and support your partner’s dreams, but don’t be trying to help them get there. Don’t let your relationship keep you from doing what you love to do.
This alone is extremely attractive to BPD’s. In my experience, BPD’s stay with the men and women that they can’t control through their behavior. Due to their abandonment fears, they will try to manipulate and beat you down. It’s just how they are.
As long as you don’t let it get to you, you’ll be loved very much by your partner. They want you to resist. So resist! But don’t become a passive push over. Feel free to stand up for yourself and trade fire with fire.
A lot of people think marriage is this blissful step to awesomeness that will only bring you two closer together. However, 90% of marriages are pretty crummy.
As the science of relationships has proven over and over again, men and women that have control over their emotions, have the confidence, have gained the deserved respect and know the damn skills always succeed – even if they’re dating a Borderline.
BPD’s desperately want a partner that isn’t going to put up with their behavior. Think of it as a man or woman that is looking for a father figure of sorts. It’s why a lot of BPD women get labeled as women with ‘daddy issues’. They literally want you to treat them with this ‘boss daddy’ attitude.
Without the know-how and the skills, the relationship collapses as it continues. Your passive behavior continues to kill attraction, your failure to show your strong, confidence side kills attraction, the fact that you’ve let your partner push you around and treat you bad shows that you have no respect for yourself.
That also kills attraction. And as time goes on, your partner begins to grow colder and colder. They occasionally see the awesomeness of you that they were attracted to in the beginning, but the BPD’s attitude has broken you down to the point where you’re unattractive.
This is exactly why I created the BPD Relationship Success Program. There are so many men and women that just don’t get why their partners are leaving them. And the last thing I want to see is a marriage ruined because of this behavior that can easily be dealt with when you know how.
Are you currently married to a BPD? What is your experience in marriage so far? Comment below and share your experiences and feedback.