I take pride in my coaching and consultations because I have been saving marriages and long-term relationships. It’s a much better alternative than seeking therapists that really don’t know anything about relationships.
BPD marriages are always difficult, but there are always deeper issues at work such as establishing boundaries and self-respect, issues with codependency, and the typical mistakes people make in BPD relationships.
The reason my coaching is successful is because I’m able to change the way people think and their overall attitude with how they approach their relationship.
So when it comes to a marriage situation, the last piece of advice I offer to clients is to split up and end the marriage. But leaving is of course is an option that I do recommend when you’re emotionally, financially and mentally destroyed.
It’s easy to look at a toxic relationship and point out how ridiculous it is. When you’re not fully committed to an individual, it’s easy to see see the light when you get another perspective from an expert.
If you’re read my recent post about how to break up with a BPD, then you’ll know that I no longer really label people as being BPD’s. It’s just too difficult when each case is different.
I really believe that all of us display some sort of behaviors that you could classify as ‘borderline behaviors’. This is important because what may seem extremely odd and unusual to you could simply be natural to somebody else.
A lot of guys get attached to women that simply aren’t that into them. Their excuse in order to protect their fragile ego is to convince themselves that “she must be BPD!” when this really isn’t the case at all…
Knowledge Is Power
The other problem is that most men and women out there aren’t educated about BPD. They just assume that shes crazy and they live with it – or they divorce. Or they live a toxic relationship for the rest of their lives which affects the way their children view love and relationships.
This problem is solved by educating yourself about BPD.
As I stated above, BPD is an emotional behavioral disorder. I believe that there are so many different levels to it. It’s simply too broad to label someone as a BPD.
Someone could be a very a minor BPD while another is heavily BPD. In a heavy case, there’s most likely a lot more going on that’s much deeper than just BPD.
So now I don’t approach a situation with straight forward answers. I analyze the situation based on the detailed information given to me and go from there.
I am not a psychologist nor do I want to be. My results speak for themselves and I’ve yet to hear any positive experiences from couples therapy or what have you involving borderlines.
It’s extremely important that you stop labeling your partner as a borderline/BPD. Instead, start thinking about it in regards to behavior. Some important things to note:
- Which behaviors are happening on a daily basis?
- Do you know what is causing these behaviors to surface?
- How often do you notice good behaviors?
- Which type of behavior bothers you the most?
Instead of simply throwing certain behaviors in the BPD basket and moving on, take some time to really think about these questions. Grab a notepad and answer these questions in detail. You’ll find that writing to yourself is a great way to learn.
What I find ultimately with toxic relationships is that there’s a big disconnect between the two partners. One of them is trying to make it work while the other is being extremely disrespectful time and time again.
I have always said that as long as you’re not respected, your relationship is toxic and is a failure.
And what do borderlines tend to do more than anything? Why they disrespect you of course
It’s one of those situations where the more you allow this disrespectful behavior to occur, the harder it is to stop it the longer you two are together.
Most men have been raised and mind-warped into major vaginas. We’re soft and weak and easily pushed around. We have no back bone.
Ultimately, we’re afraid to let our opinions be known to the world as we fear conflict. We’d much rather coast through life never stirring the post.
Women on the other hand have been raised with the Kardashians and other bullshit that’s fucked with the way they think.
Either way, both men and women are growing up in extremely different worlds and it’s affecting the way our brains think about things.
Passiveness, Emotional Neediness, Codependency, Etc.
I don’t want to ramble too long about today’s society. All you need to know is that feelings are separate from your logical thinking mechanism. Here’s a quick image I put together:
Again I’ll save these 3 for another topic. Just understand for now that you’ve most likely convinced your brain to have certain feelings based on attraction that you have no control over.
People with BPD have extremely hard times staying in relationships because they literally have no control over their feelings and emotional well-being in general - Dating a borderline is like dating a child.
I normally tell guys that they should not date a BPD unless they absolutely have their emotions under control and aren’t fazed by emotional instability. What kind of shit you ask? How about:
- Lying / Cheating
- Love You / Hate You
- Physical Aggression
- Extreme Mood Changes
- Finger Pointing
Again, it’s like you’re dating a child. Children lie, they love you then cry when you discipline them, they’re happy one minute, angry the next, they’re terrible at taking responsibility, etc.
I included cheating because people with emotional issues tend to fool around a lot. If it happens once, forgive. If it happens again, seriously evaluate why this is going on. I find that codependency is a major problem for guys and most don’t know about it. It’s extremely unattractive and pushes women away into the hands of other men.
People ask me all the time why I date a girl with BPD if they tend to do those things. Well, my answer is that my girl doesn’t do those things around me anymore.
Every girl / guy you date is going to try to pull those things on you one time or another. Whether it’s early on or later, it’s bound to happen.
How you respond to it the very first time will determine whether that poor behavior continues or not. The longer you allow poor behavior, the worse it’s going to get for you.
I personally find people with BPD to be extremely fascinating individuals. Every girl I’ve ever dated that was extremely moody and full of emotions has taught me a lot about life and has helped me grow as a person.
If it weren’t for my past relationships that I handled terribly, I wouldn’t have the vast knowledge nor be the expert on relationships that I am today – and I’m still in my 20′s.
Your Behavior Always Sets The Tone
I’ve talked a lot about your attitude when it comes to dating a BPD. This attitude that you develop should never change throughout the entire duration of the relationship – from day 1 to year 99 of the marriage.
Your behavior sets the tone. If your girl is always pushing you away, then your behavior is the opposite of what it needs to be. Drop these behaviors of yours and notice the immediate change.
This is confusing for a lot of men because they do behaviors that they think is attractive, but it pushes her away. So they do more and more and they end up chasing which only pushes her even further away.
Not sure what you’re doing wrong? That’s why I’m an established coach. I point out relationship mistakes and get you thinking correctly. You need this 3rd party perspective.
You’ve got to be a man. Easier said than done however. You need discipline and the knowledge to diffuse any situation. This means you need to be extremely good at self-control as well as confidence in yourself. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Don’t be affected/hurt by crazy outbursts.
- Don’t get emotional/sensitive over words and accusations.
- Always defend yourself when she’s full of shit and tell her that what she’s saying is simply not the truth. Tell her to go f*** herself if she gets irrational and then leave.
- Don’t fread too much into words.
- When she’s being distant, let her – don’t chase. This isn’t attractive behavior and you’ll only push her further away.
Remember above where I mentioned how feelings = your gut? This is exactly what I mean when it comes to distance.
If it feels like she’s the one being distant, then this is true. Don’t let your brain convince you that you did something wrong and therefore must text her / try to make things right. Your brain will try very hard to convince you of this.
When a guy or girl is being distant, let them be. If they give you shit for not contacting them, don’t even argue with that. You know the truth. Simply tell them that you felt like they wanted some distance so you focused on other things to do.
That’s money right there.
Marriage and The Borderline Relationship
To bring this all together and how it applies to marriage, you now know there are deep, long-term issues that have brought you to this point.
Whether you’ve broken up dozens of times in the past or she all of a sudden became extremely distant towards you, you should have a general idea of why this happens.
A lot of people think marriage will solve problems and bring you two closer together. If you don’t have your shit together, it can be a horrible experience.
You have really got to be the one that wears the pants in a BPD relationship. Remember that they are like children. They need to be disciplined, you need to ignore their bullshit and laugh it off and then you really have got to just let them do their thing.
And you need to focus on YOU.
When I look at successful relationships with borderlines, the men wear the pants, they rock the bed room, they aren’t guys that you can pull anything on. They’ve got their shit together and you naturally respect them – hence why a borderline is perfectly happy with him.
But BPD’s also have abandonment issues. Therefore, they tend to date weaker guys that they know won’t ever leave them – even though it’s extremely unattractive. And because it’s unattractive, it clashes with their feelings.
Their brain says ‘Hey, this is a really nice guy that will love me and never leave me.’
And at certain times, their gut feels good about being with you. But their gut also knows that this relationship just isn’t the right fit for her. Something is missing and thats:
Attraction – when you first met, you two were extremely attracted to each other. You probably had a wild honeymoon period that felt better than anything ever before. This is common with BPD relationships.
But eventually, there’s a disconnect. And that’s because honeymoon periods can’t last forever. What goes up must come down. If you start with high expectations, you’re going to have a lot of trouble keeping things going.
It’s also NOT natural to fall in love so quickly. This results in a false reality which ultimately paints YOU as someone that can’t really be trusted as a dependable, long-term partner.
So ultimately you’ve got a girl who knows you’re a good guy, who was initially attracted to you, but their gut is telling them that there are red flags with you.
As time has gone on, you’ve shown your high level of emotional neediness, you’ve shown your codependent side, you’ve shown weakness and lack of self-respect, you’ve shown that you’re not willing to put her in her place when she’s out of line, etc.
As time goes on, eventually her brain is going to say ‘I know he’s really nice and loves me and won’t ever leave me, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.’
This happens when you’ve exhausted your level of attraction by all of your bad behavior while you two have been together.
It is very difficult to raise your attraction once it’s been lost. However, I have found that drastically making changes actually helps a lot. I don’t have time to spill out the details here, but when you basically do a 180, it’s almost like you’re a new person.
Your partner might freak out and wonder what happened to the ‘old you’, but let the old you die. Don’t let her words convince you to go back to the old you. She’s just testing your new self.
Tell her that it’s time for a change and you’re living life differently now. She may just want to jump on for the ride for the next 30 years.
As always, comment below and let me know your thoughts and questions. Marriage is always a difficult subject to discuss when it comes to Borderline relationships.