Marriage and the Long-Term Borderline Relationship

by Rick on 03/03/2013 · 36 comments

in BPD,Fixing Relationships,Marriage

I take pride in my coaching and consultations because I have been saving marriages and long-term relationships. It’s a much better alternative than seeking therapists that really don’t know anything about relationships.

BPD marriages are always difficult, but there are always deeper issues at work such as establishing boundaries and self-respect, issues with codependency, and the typical mistakes people make in BPD relationships.

The reason my coaching is successful is because I’m able to change the way people think and their overall attitude with how they approach their relationship.

marriage

So when it comes to a marriage situation, the last piece of advice I offer to clients is to split up and end the marriage. But leaving is of course is an option that I do recommend when you’re emotionally, financially and mentally destroyed.

It’s easy to look at a toxic relationship and point out how ridiculous it is. When you’re not fully committed to an individual, it’s easy to see see the light when you get another perspective from an expert.

If you’re read my recent post about how to break up with a BPD, then you’ll know that I no longer really label people as being BPD’s. It’s just too difficult when each case is different.

I really believe that all of us display some sort of behaviors that you could classify as ‘borderline behaviors’. This is important because what may seem extremely odd and unusual to you could simply be natural to somebody else.

A lot of guys get attached to women that simply aren’t that into them. Their excuse in order to protect their fragile ego is to convince themselves that “she must be BPD!” when this really isn’t the case at all…

Knowledge Is Power

The other problem is that most men and women out there aren’t educated about BPD. They just assume that shes crazy and they live with it – or they divorce. Or they live a toxic relationship for the rest of their lives which affects the way their children view love and relationships.

This problem is solved by educating yourself about BPD.

As I stated above, BPD is an emotional behavioral disorder. I believe that there are so many different levels to it. It’s simply too broad to label someone as a BPD.

Someone could be a very a minor BPD while another is heavily BPD. In a heavy case, there’s most likely a lot more going on that’s much deeper than just BPD.

So now I don’t approach a situation with straight forward answers. I analyze the situation based on the detailed information given to me and go from there.

I am not a psychologist nor do I want to be. My results speak for themselves and I’ve yet to hear any positive experiences from couples therapy or what have you involving borderlines.

It’s extremely important that you stop labeling your partner as a borderline/BPD. Instead, start thinking about it in regards to behavior. Some important things to note:

  • Which behaviors are happening on a daily basis?
  • Do you know what is causing these behaviors to surface?
  • How often do you notice good behaviors?
  • Which type of behavior bothers you the most?

Instead of simply throwing certain behaviors in the BPD basket and moving on, take some time to really think about these questions. Grab a notepad and answer these questions in detail. You’ll find that writing to yourself is a great way to learn.

What I find ultimately with toxic relationships is that there’s a big disconnect between the two partners. One of them is trying to make it work while the other is being extremely disrespectful time and time again.

I have always said that as long as you’re not respected, your relationship is toxic and is a failure.

And what do borderlines tend to do more than anything? Why they disrespect you of course :)

It’s one of those situations where the more you allow this disrespectful behavior to occur, the harder it is to stop it the longer you two are together.

Most men have been raised and mind-warped into major vaginas. We’re soft and weak and easily pushed around. We have no back bone.

Ultimately, we’re afraid to let our opinions be known to the world as we fear conflict. We’d much rather coast through life never stirring the post.

Women on the other hand have been raised with the Kardashians and other bullshit that’s fucked with the way they think.

Either way, both men and women are growing up in extremely different worlds and it’s affecting the way our brains think about things.

Passiveness, Emotional Neediness, Codependency, Etc.

I don’t want to ramble too long about today’s society. All you need to know is that feelings are separate from your logical thinking mechanism. Here’s a quick image I put together:

Feelings, Thoughts, Attraction

Again I’ll save these 3 for another topic. Just understand for now that you’ve most likely convinced your brain to have certain feelings based on attraction that you have no control over.

People with BPD have extremely hard times staying in relationships because they literally have no control over their feelings and emotional well-being in general - Dating a borderline is like dating a child.

I normally tell guys that they should not date a BPD unless they absolutely have their emotions under control and aren’t fazed by emotional instability. What kind of shit you ask? How about:

  • Lying / Cheating
  • Love You / Hate You
  • Physical Aggression
  • Extreme Mood Changes
  • Finger Pointing

Again, it’s like you’re dating a child. Children lie, they love you then cry when you discipline them, they’re happy one minute, angry the next, they’re terrible at taking responsibility, etc.

I included cheating because people with emotional issues tend to fool around a lot. If it happens once, forgive. If it happens again, seriously evaluate why this is going on. I find that codependency is a major problem for guys and most don’t know about it. It’s extremely unattractive and pushes women away into the hands of other men.

People ask me all the time why I date a girl with BPD if they tend to do those things. Well, my answer is that my girl doesn’t do those things around me anymore.

Every girl / guy you date is going to try to pull those things on you one time or another. Whether it’s early on or later, it’s bound to happen.

How you respond to it the very first time will determine whether that poor behavior continues or not. The longer you allow poor behavior, the worse it’s going to get for you.

I personally find people with BPD to be extremely fascinating individuals. Every girl I’ve ever dated that was extremely moody and full of emotions has taught me a lot about life and has helped me grow as a person.

If it weren’t for my past relationships that I handled terribly, I wouldn’t have the vast knowledge nor be the expert on relationships that I am today – and I’m still in my 20′s.

Your Behavior Always Sets The Tone

I’ve talked a lot about your attitude when it comes to dating a BPD. This attitude that you develop should never change throughout the entire duration of the relationship – from day 1 to year 99 of the marriage.

Your behavior sets the tone. If your girl is always pushing you away, then your behavior is the opposite of what it needs to be. Drop these behaviors of yours and notice the immediate change.

This is confusing for a lot of men because they do behaviors that they think is attractive, but it pushes her away. So they do more and more and they end up chasing which only pushes her even further away.

Not sure what you’re doing wrong? That’s why I’m an established coach. I point out relationship mistakes and get you thinking correctly. You need this 3rd party perspective.

You’ve got to be a man. Easier said than done however. You need discipline and the knowledge to diffuse any situation. This means you need to be extremely good at self-control as well as confidence in yourself. Here are some things to keep in mind:

  • Don’t be affected/hurt by crazy outbursts.
  • Don’t get emotional/sensitive over words and accusations.
  • Always defend yourself when she’s full of shit and tell her that what she’s saying is simply not the truth. Tell her to go f*** herself if she gets irrational and then leave.
  • Don’t fread too much into words.
  • When she’s being distant, let her – don’t chase. This isn’t attractive behavior and you’ll only push her further away.

Remember above where I mentioned how feelings = your gut? This is exactly what I mean when it comes to distance.

If it feels like she’s the one being distant, then this is true. Don’t let your brain convince you that you did something wrong and therefore must text her / try to make things right. Your brain will try very hard to convince you of this.

When a guy or girl is being distant, let them be. If they give you shit for not contacting them, don’t even argue with that. You know the truth. Simply tell them that you felt like they wanted some distance so you focused on other things to do.

That’s money right there.

Marriage and The Borderline Relationship

To bring this all together and how it applies to marriage, you now know there are deep, long-term issues that have brought you to this point.

Whether you’ve broken up dozens of times in the past or she all of a sudden became extremely distant towards you, you should have a general idea of why this happens.

A lot of people think marriage will solve problems and bring you two closer together. If you don’t have your shit together, it can be a horrible experience.

You have really got to be the one that wears the pants in a BPD relationship. Remember that they are like children. They need to be disciplined, you need to ignore their bullshit and laugh it off and then you really have got to just let them do their thing.

And you need to focus on YOU.

When I look at successful relationships with borderlines, the men wear the pants, they rock the bed room, they aren’t guys that you can pull anything on. They’ve got their shit together and you naturally respect them – hence why a borderline is perfectly happy with him.

But BPD’s also have abandonment issues. Therefore, they tend to date weaker guys that they know won’t ever leave them – even though it’s extremely unattractive. And because it’s unattractive, it clashes with their feelings.

Their brain says ‘Hey, this is a really nice guy that will love me and never leave me.’

And at certain times, their gut feels good about being with you. But their gut also knows that this relationship just isn’t the right fit for her. Something is missing and thats:

Attraction – when you first met, you two were extremely attracted to each other. You probably had a wild honeymoon period that felt better than anything ever before. This is common with BPD relationships.

But eventually, there’s a disconnect. And that’s because honeymoon periods can’t last forever. What goes up must come down. If you start with high expectations, you’re going to have a lot of trouble keeping things going.

It’s also NOT natural to fall in love so quickly. This results in a false reality which ultimately paints YOU as someone that can’t really be trusted as a dependable, long-term partner.

So ultimately you’ve got a girl who knows you’re a good guy, who was initially attracted to you, but their gut is telling them that there are red flags with you.

As time has gone on, you’ve shown your high level of emotional neediness, you’ve shown your codependent side, you’ve shown weakness and lack of self-respect, you’ve shown that you’re not willing to put her in her place when she’s out of line, etc.

As time goes on, eventually her brain is going to say ‘I know he’s really nice and loves me and won’t ever leave me, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.’

This happens when you’ve exhausted your level of attraction by all of your bad behavior while you two have been together.

It is very difficult to raise your attraction once it’s been lost. However, I have found that drastically making changes actually helps a lot. I don’t have time to spill out the details here, but when you basically do a 180, it’s almost like you’re a new person.

Your partner might freak out and wonder what happened to the ‘old you’, but let the old you die. Don’t let her words convince you to go back to the old you. She’s just testing your new self.

Tell her that it’s time for a change and you’re living life differently now. She may just want to jump on for the ride for the next 30 years.

As always, comment below and let me know your thoughts and questions. Marriage is always a difficult subject to discuss when it comes to Borderline relationships.

- Rick

 

{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

tony January 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm

I just recently found out about this. i married a woman with this and now i found out that she had been talking to other men sending them pictures and telling them that she loves them i have actually talk to one of the other men i love my wife very much and am i upset about it yes she is very good at manipulation and lieing i just want to be able to get her the right help and move past all this i can look past the cheating and everything but the lieing has to stop what should i do

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Rick January 21, 2013 at 12:36 am

Tony… dude… wtf man? Why are you being such a passive bitch? I GUARANTEE you that if you don’t step up and become a man NOW, you will lose her for good. Buy my book, damn. Shit I will even GIVE IT TO YOU if you email me. This is just ridiculous… BPD’s need men that are REAL MEN. The one thing that makes them different from normal women is that they will keep you around until they no longer need you. Normal women are fine being single. BPD women aren’t. So once they find a new guy that can take care of them better than you, you’re out of the picture. She’s going to leave you if you don’t start being a real man. My book is exactly about how to be a real man.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:28 am

You may need to end it. I married a man with BPD and did not know it. For years I put up with mental, physical and vebal abuse and then when he needed something (money) it was flowers, compliments and love. I did not know anything about BPD and I wasted ten years of my life trying to be loving, supporting, etc. I just found out in December 2013 of his cheating. I contacted other women I now suspected and they were honest with me. He is a serial cheater and I was stupid because I trusted him from the day met. I did not grow up in a house where we lied and cheated and abused one another. He did. So I got played good. I am getting divorced. He lies to everyone. Even the pastor at the church he works at saying he did not want a divorce and was sorry. He showed no remorse at all. We were in counseling and it was a smokescreen for him; it was lifeline for me.

If your wife does not go into intense counseling, hands over the phone and computer to you, cuts all contact with the others, shows INTENSE remorse and you both get marriage counseling, I am sorry that your marriage may not survive. You must protect yourself now and keep yourself healthy emotionally and physcially. I wish you luck and I hope you can work it out.

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BC February 8, 2013 at 7:21 am

After reading some of your articles, I realize I’ve made a couple of mistakes regarding respect. I’ve been married to a woman for 7 years, who was diagnosed after year 1 with BPD. She wouldn’t acknowledge “being labeled” with that. I’ve been through all kinds of crap, and was ready for the D the very night she saw my disdain and jumped on top of me. We have a 4 year old son as a result. I’m blessed with him, but she has cut off intimacy (sex and otherwise). I made the mistake of backing off and saying that I guess I’d just “put up with your sh*t” and make myself better. I am exercising 5 days a week and losing weight and trying to do better in all aspects of life. But, the lack of sex/intimacy AND an increasing lack of common courtesy (she complains & barks about everything I do, from the smallest to the largest things) are driving me nuts. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Jason February 13, 2013 at 1:48 pm

So, I’ve been married to a woman with BDP for the past 6 years. Only within the past year and a half has her “condition” kicked in. She is big in to the impulsive shit, sexting, lying, cheating, etc….I’ve been dealing with it for over a year now, telling her to pack her bags and get the fuck out next time she does it! Surprise, surprise, it never ends! I really am getting to the end of my rope here, but I love this girl and we have a 3 year old son, dogs, house, debt….all that good shit together. How do you handle the cheating man? I can handel everything else, but that is getting to me! Is there a way to get this under control, or is it something I have to learn to accept?

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tom March 5, 2013 at 7:05 am

I would say stop trying to control her behavior. Instead of telling her to pack her bags, you should leave. The only thing you have control over are your own actions. Firmly establish boundaries and if she continues to cross them it won’t be tolerated. The reason it never ends is because you keep waiting for her behavior to change instead of changing your own and holding her accountable. It sucks. You’ll be sad, angry, frustrated, you’ll feel like you’re going crazy. These are all normal emotions when you’re in a relationship with a woman that is emotionally unstable. But sitting around and waiting for her empathy to mature is like raking leaves on a windy day. She won’t ever love you if she doesn’t respect you and if you do still love her and want her to respect you, you need to change your behavior. Like Rick said, turn a 180. And if you leave and over time you realize life is better of without her you can move on.

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Rick March 7, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Or another thing you can do is turn things around. A lot of guys that suffer with toxic relationships in general react to everything and take everything personal. This is wrong. If someone is being negative towards you, it’s up to you to decide that it affects you. So instead of getting pissed and fighting back, you can do what I do and that’s smile or laugh or tell her how cute she looks when she’s mad, etc. shit like that.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:32 am

It will never stop. You are not good enough for her anymore. She needs the “excitement” and attention the illicit relationship provides. If she shows no remorse for cheating, the marriage is over. Her actions now are more important than her words. My soon to be ex has been untreated BPD for 63 years!!!! The behavior does not get better untreated. Protect your child, your finances and yourself.

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LD March 8, 2013 at 8:39 am

Hey Rick, Love all the articles and your book, gave me a new view point on things. I am probably one of the few you will ever hear from that has been in a real long-term relationship with someone with behavioral issues. I too don’t really like any labels but when talking to anyone in the medical field it helps say so many things very quickly. As far as talking to the average Joe, no, it’s not a good way to describe your situation.

To the point, I have seen it all, experienced it all as far as living such a life. Yes, forget it if you have heavy ego. Forget it if you are selfish. Short term maybe, but long-term no; you will leave, sooner or later. They’ll drive you away. But maybe then you are the lucky one. Have some fun and run.

To remain is to put you with a lot of baggage but live is always interesting.

My thoughts…
Devotion to the person, care, love; be a lover, be a partner, be a friend and be a parent. This is what they truly want and need.
Be on top of them, monitor, manage but with love and goals of growth as persons and building their self image. This doesn’t mean they won’t take advantage of situations when an opportunity arises or they feel that you are not giving them attention. Like kids they will test, defy, take a mile, manipulate and deceive. Control is a key. Tough is good but love and compassion is paramount.

Short-term, you can play the tough guy or weak guy; both will get you some good and some bad results.
Long-term, you must approach it the way I said. But something I am still learning after 30 years is that don’t ever fully let your guard down.
I have been cheated on 3 times (as far as I can tell) in the 30 years. No real long term think, just out-cries of sort.

Why bother? Good question? Love? Is it enough? Challenge? Is it worth it?
Another thing, please forget the “don’t let it bother you” crap. It will never work if you are any kind of person period. It will only work if you are not committed to a life with the person. To build a life, it takes trust; trust requires that you get affected by acts of mistrust. This includes all of crap thrown at you by such personalities. It will bother you. Go ahead and make your self believe it doesn’t. That’s a mask. Remember, you are who you are for many reasons. Remember, you were, captured by them because they saw something in you the makes it ideal for them. They saw the real you; when you deny yourself the real you, your body and soul will always take a beating over time. Besides, you deny yourself the right to be you for ONE other person and it’s NOT for GOD. Shame! That’s not worth it. That alone is for selfish reasons of lust or challenge as you say.

Please don’t take anything I say too hard. These are just some of my thoughts; I have many others.

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Rick March 10, 2013 at 5:58 pm

I appreciate the comment and you lay out some truths for the long-term relationship. People in general cheat, not just BPD’s. So if you get cheated on 3 times in 30 years, that’s actually pretty good in my opinion. But it still can be too much for most people and can break a relationship. I really hope guys understand that people simply cheat even in marriage. If you’re marrying someone with BPD, expect to be cheated on.

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Brenda April 11, 2013 at 6:30 am

I have BPD, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9years. It has been a struggle for him, I do feel bad at times for what I have put him through. I have cheated on him at least 15 times in the last 9 years. I can’t stand being alone, and I always seeking acceptance and approval of others. It sucks because when things are happening, I don’t realize it, I don’t do anything to stop it and then afterwards i feel like OH S***! But I don’t stop talking to the other guy, in fact because we had sex it turns into a second or third relationship and they don’t know about each other. CRAZY I do understand that, but at the same time it sucks I do feel bad for what I have done to my partner of 9 years. My impulsiveness and need to make others like me really has been out of control. My thing is I love having male friends. I try to make them mutual friends. They know I am in a relationship, I had thought that it would be all good. Then comes text or emails from them that are cute or funny, replies are along the same content. Next thing I know Im secretly meeting up with them, and the relationship will last anywhere from 3months to 8months depending on what they are willing to deal with. The entire time I have my boyfriend of 9years who I am involved with. I don’t know that I can ever be faithful, no matter how hard I have tried to be it never last long, I feel horrible about myself, I am ashamed of my actions but like an addict I still do it over and over thinking something will be different. I have been through therapy, I have manipulated my counselors, over and over again. The fact that I am like this in reality makes me sick. I think about all I have done to him and I would never tolerate such behavior. I love him and I hate him. My heart is constantly in turmoil. The fact that there is no magic cure for this cruel mental illness makes it so hard. I know each person living with bpd has different degree of it. What i don’t understand is how I was faithful to the guy I dated previous to my current boyfriend. 2 years I was with him, never once did i think about cheating, not once did I want anyone else. When that relationship ended I jumped into the one I am in now, and haven’t been able to speak up and tell other men no. I am so disgusted with myself.
For those of you who are involved with BPD partner, I wish you the best of luck. I don’t know how my partner has stayed with me for 9 years, and I know that the relationship is unhealthy for him. He tells me to tell him to leave and he will, but no matter how much I hate him at times, I don’t want him to leave, and the truth to that reason is that I’m terrified of being alone. He for whatever reason has put up with all I have done and is still here and will stay here with me, arguing, yelling, fighting what ever it be but he is still here.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:42 am

What a horrible life you are providing for this person. Your cheating could cost him his life. I hope you are in some kind of treatment. Your BF sounds like he is insecure because a normal healthy man would have tossed you out so you could be with your cheaters.

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bathsheba May 6, 2013 at 11:18 am

this really hits home for me. i’ve only recently come to terms with my bpd (undiagnosed, though its been suggested and i’ve got common comorbid issues), and the real impetus for change was when the man i love broke up with me after a string of terrible fights in which i was essentially out of control, lashing out and inward and unable to cope with some external stresses on the relationship. (won’t get into those here, but the external stress was neither his nor my ‘fault’).

anyways, it took his taking a hard line with me with no chance of persuading him to come back to me that forced me to look at my own behaviors. interestingly, i started much of the recovery work (mindfulness meditation, assertiveness training, etc) before i really even had pinpointed bpd as the underlying issue.

fast-forward half a year and we’re now slowly exploring the potential for a relationship again. its clear he truly loves me, but is also protective of himself and not willing to go all in when its not clear it will be a good thing for either one of us.

this contrasts with every other relationship i’ve ever had (which, consistent with the personality, have been numerous, unstable, often intensely passionate, and lacking resolution even well after they ended), which basically fall into two camps.
the unattainable, in which i throw myself at someone who is never going to reciprocate my feelings but will gladly maintain a physical relationship with me, or the unconditional acceptance, essentially the reverse of the former. in both cases, i avoid real intimacy, but the guilt of being in the latter type of relationship makes me leave those more quickly and decisively, often chasing after someone who will simply do the very same thing to me.

it seems so obvious in retrospect, but i am largely blind to this pattern as it plays out. and of course, the interplay between a fear of intimacy and a fear of abandonment, insecurity and seduction, are deep and complex issues that will take more than just a loving partner with healthy boundaries to disentangle and deactivate. but what it does do is help me to trust, take responsibility for my actions, and puts a brake on the reactivity which decreases the chances of my emotions spiraling out of control.

so i appreciate your points here, and hope that those of you in relationships with someone with bpd can navigate with compassion towards your partner, and respect of your own boundaries. you’ll be doing them a great service in doing so.

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George August 16, 2013 at 3:13 am

Nobody with self respect would put up with lieing and cheating, those qualities don’t even make a good friend. Leave you deserve better. To stay will be death by borderline.

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Right and I agree. Hence why it’s important to have options and the power of choice. But it’s harder to leave a marriage than other relationships. It’s always a tough situation. At the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s right for you and you only.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:33 am

George is correct.

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Crystal September 3, 2013 at 9:00 am

I dated a man with this illness off and on for about a year. When it was good it was perfect, but when it was bad it was hell on earth. He took care of me and my kids unlike anyone else, we didn’t want for anything. Then he would twist off and he even hit me in front of my children. He said he was taking prescription pills and that he was not like this when he is clean. He is now in jail because he and a friend got into a fight and he got arrested. He still wants to marry me and seems sincere, my children actually miss him a lot….I do too, I’m really confused…..

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natasha October 3, 2013 at 2:35 am

Hi Rick, where can I purchase this book. I love my husband of 10 years very much but i often feel alone and that he doesnt love me. He does i just feel like he doesn’t. I have cheated a couple of times i have never slept with anyone but have kissed someone and have been on dating sites and have arranged to meet men for sex only to chicken out later thank god. basically i dont want to lose my husband or hurt him any more

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 7:41 pm

I believe that everyone goes through temptations periods like you’ve experienced. In all honesty, kissing isn’t a big deal so don’t feel down on yourself. If you’ve lost attractiveness for your husband, then I can understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. Perhaps your husband is the one that needs my new book Toxicity because his attractiveness is low in your eyes.

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Clay November 18, 2013 at 9:09 am

What if a wife suddenly leaves and is posting pics all hot and guys are now coming out of the woodwork saying she is gorgeous???? I have a whole slew of new numbers from her showing up in our phone bill. Is she trying to make me jelous? or is she actively seeking a thrill. She will aggressively deny cheating when asked, but if you ask to clarify new numbers or facebooking till 3am everyday the fight is on.

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Rick December 2, 2013 at 3:21 pm

Haha just pretend you don’t notice. She’s obviously seeking attention so give her even less. If she wants to go slut it up, then dump her before she gets the upper hand.

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chris miller November 4, 2013 at 9:37 am

Rick I have been in and out with a alcoholic bpd for 8 years! We were married for 1 year. Everything I read on your site it 100% correct. I know that I have codependent issues, but the difference is I am a strong alpha male. She has never left me it is always me throwing her out. She gets drunk hits me and I send her packing. She says all the time how much she loves me and respects me knows how good I am for her, but won’t give up the booze. We have been apart for 2 months now and I am really missing her! I know she has a new boyfriend as she has announced that to my best friend. What should I do in this situation?

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 9:54 am

Thank the heavens that she left because dating a drunk is very annoying.

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Jeremiah December 17, 2013 at 8:44 pm

I could really use some advice. I’m not sure what to do, or whether I really want her back at this point. I can’t spare money for the book right at the moment, financial issues for a while.

It started out so good. She said I was always fun to be around and I felt the same about her, but I developed performance anxiety due to the way she was treating me and things started going downhill. Even after these issues came along, we both still really enjoyed each others company.

It started resolving itself as I kept telling her she had to be nice to me to be attractive and it slowly sank in sort of. Our last week together she was way nice and I was actually able to have sex with her, but she got mad at me for not being “perfect” in bed(after a month without sex I didn’t last long, normally I do). She was understanding 4 a while but later that day we ended up arguing about it and she kept yelling at me and for the first time I kicked her out of my house. She has kicked me out of hers many times.

She had previously told me about a one night stand thing with this guy that she got into during a short break up of ours b4 we got back together again and she started being nice again, basically saying that it had been unfulfilling bc there was no connection like we had and the guy was a “douchebag”(her words) and insisting she only did it bc she “needed” sex(it’s what’s real for her though).
But, my kicking her out and not talking to her for 2 weeks waiting for her to right herself and cool off may have been ill-timed I may have f**ked up in this particular context as I think it drove her back to him and I’m pretty sure they have moved in together(I deduced this, she hasn’t exactly told me anything), but I don’t think it will last bc she said he wasn’t a good potential bf and she is usually right about people and I’m pretty sure she just picked up with him where she left off with me(people who go from one relationship to another you can’t truly connect if you can’t truly disconnect, so it’s like transferring and projecting it over onto the new person. she probably thinks she likes him as much as she actually liked me…)

All I can say is I love her and have hope for her potential bc although I have dated two other possible BPDs she is the only one who is aware of her behavior and I actually see her at least try hard to change it and at least she is honest about things though it doesn’t make it easier all the time. Sorry its so long

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Silent Bob January 21, 2014 at 7:12 am

Sorry, I don’t believe a word of this. I’ll bet it sells a lot of books, but your theories will never work in real life. You cannot fix anyone who is that broken, nor are you ever (at any point) ‘in control’ of a BPD. You just think you are. And given your flip responses, you seem to hold a narcissistic view about marriage and cheating, or even relationships in general.

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 2:04 am

Well let’s face it, no one is an ‘expert’ on relationships or else everybody would be doing what’s right and makes everybody happy. I simply offer better, general advice than what’s out there. You always have to keep in mind that most people have more issues than just BPD. But no where do I talk about being a controlling asshole. All you can control is yourself. Why do you think my new book Toxicity is all about building yourself into a high quality person that attracts other high quality people? That’s how you get yourself a great relationship.

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Mona January 25, 2014 at 9:27 am

Well I’m a woman married to someone who exhibits the signs of BPD. Very charming , outgoing, can be extremely generous and caring. On the flip side very prone to bursts of anger over a towel not being placed correctly.
My issue anytime I voice the minimum request for dialogue nicely he takes a fit he’s too busy his empire is crumbling this is why he doesn’t want me around. If I bring up examples of his actions that demonstrate commitment. His rage turns to I’m unappreciative of his efforts his commitment and list of actions of how hard he’s tried.
Constant get out of my life then actions that to outsiders are seen as in love.
How to deal? Like you guys the charm the niceness keeps you in thinking if only you could behave a certain way to make it like it was .

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 1:58 am

The way you deal with an asshole is you don’t give them respect back. So they tell you to get out, you get out lol. Just go inside and do your own thing or leave for a bit, go hang out with friends or whatever. When he comes around asking for you or where you are or for sex or whatever, simply tell him ‘no, you don’t want me in your life remember so you can’t have me’ and hold strong. Make him beg for mercy.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:39 am

Rick you are correct. The male BPD’s are charming and will “woo” you until they get what they want. My soon to be ex did this and got money from me and then wanted things from the house. When I found out the truth, that ended instantly. No more money, no nothing. He can get money from the POS he is cheating with.

But the thing is this BPD lost the only one who cared and loved him. He has alienated his kids, sister and family. He does not have any true friends. I really was the only true friend he ever had. He is untreated and 65 years old and his behaviour is the most volatile right now than I have ever seen. I have no further contact. I love the silence.

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Rick March 9, 2014 at 9:33 pm

Yup it’s true that age makes no difference. As long as they hold on to their crazy behavior and make no attempts to truly change, they’re doomed for life (as are all of us).

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Sublte March 11, 2014 at 6:36 pm

I’m a woman in a relationship with a BPD male who is very jealous and insecure. What does he need to make this relationship work?

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Rick April 10, 2014 at 7:02 pm

I’ve read all of your comments and I’ll respond what you need to do. While I do think words are weak at times, you still need to use them when the going gets tough. Your BF obviously has issues that are much bigger than you and the relationship. Because of this, he gets jealous and insecure and rages. While it bugs me that you stick around with such a low quality man, I will still try to help you. You need to give him a harder time. You need to tell him to stop being such an insecure little bitch. Tell him that this isn’t junior high anymore and you can talk to whomever you wish. If he gets jealous, it’s his own problem. Just keep getting on his case for these issues, he needs to let go of his issues, you need to try to get them to surface. If you can, try to figure out why he gets jealous. Past relationship? Cheated on multiple times? Probably something from the past. Then he needs to let it go. It’s a big issue hence why the new BPD book deals with this greatly.

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Sylvia April 8, 2014 at 1:34 pm

Hey, what do you have to say about bpd men? I´m in a relatioship with one for 5 years now, and now we are supposed to get married.. I´m not pretty sure.. I´m actually quite good at estabilishing limits and avoiding his abuse, putting him in his place, but I’m kinda tired of it. The attempts are frequent. Tired of having to explain and convince him the obvious sometimes.. I don’t know.. can you help me? He’s actually a great guy and has evolved a lot, but just not enough i think, or maybe i should leave..

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Rick April 10, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Yea this is always tough because you simply don’t know what will happen down the road. If you think he’ll continue to evolve and change for the better, then go for it. If you have doubts in your gut, then I suggest that you leave. Leaving may also motivate him to work harder and fixing himself.

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Caseyjane July 20, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Hello, I have recently found out I have BPD I did all the lies and had sex with women but he knew, after some suicidal thoughts I was admitted and medicated. My finace still wants to marry me, but now I am not sure. any advice for me?

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Rick July 24, 2014 at 10:31 pm

Yea I mean feel free to email for more personal thoughts but it’s really how you feel about this. I always tell people to look at the individual (you) and not the diagnosis (bpd). So if you really feel that you see yourself long-term with your fiance, then marry him. If there’s a lot of doubt, then don’t get him committed like that.

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