Marriage and the Long-Term Borderline Relationship

by Rick on 08/25/2014 · 51 comments

in BPD,Fixing Relationships,Marriage

BPD Marriage

Being in a long-term relationship and married to someone with a personality disorder such as BPD (borderline personality disorder) can be an immense undertaking, especially if you have no prior knowledge to what you’re up against.

Relationships in general are difficult for most people. Add BPD-related issues to the mix and it’s like throwing more gasoline on an out of control blaze.

The good news is that being married to a BPD doesn’t have to be as difficult and confusing as you may currently believe.

Now I don’t know what your exact situation is like, but I can promise you that with the tips I’m going to share in this article, you should be able to see better days in the future.

I’ve personally never been married, but I’ve been in several relationships with BPD women. My best male friend is also a BPD type so I have a solid understanding of how these people think and behave.

Rule #1: Marriage Is Always Difficult

I believe it’s important for you to understand this. While you may be wishing that marriage was fun, peaceful and great at all times, that’s just simply not the case. Even the most normal people out there have difficulties in marriage.

I take marriage very seriously. 90% of all marriages are usually failed relationships (even if they aren’t divorced) so it’s definitely an issue in our society that needs help. I would only advise you to actually leave your partner if you’re in a dire situation.

For example, let’s say your partner has cheated on you terribly, they’ve been draining you of your finances and now you’re left mentally and physically destroyed. This is a situation where I believe that you must put yourself first and leave the very source of your destruction.

In many of my recent articles, such as the 5 Mistakes People Make In BPD Relationships, then you’ll know that I don’t like to label people as BPD. I like to dig deeper and see what exact issues I’m going up against.

Nobody is perfect in this world. We all have our own issues and behaviors that aren’t attractive. BPD’s simply have more of these than we do. They have more going on in their core that we care to know about.

This is really important to understand because what may seem extremely odd and unusual to you could simply be no big deal and easy to handle to somebody else (like me).

The key to being in a long-term relationship and marriage with a BPD man or woman is being highly educated and trained in the skills required to not only survive, but kick ass.

Rule #2: Knowledge Is Power and Absolutely Required

Being married to a male or female with BPD absolutely requires that you educate yourself as much as possible. The more knowledge you have, the more confident you’ll become. You’ll begin to see a much bigger picture of things and you’ll be ready for anything that flies your way.

It requires much more than just reading articles on BPD and asking for advice on forums. You need to think bigger here and learn all you can about relationships, confidence, self-improvement, success and more.

You can’t just seek out relationship techniques and expect things to get better for the long-haul. Your focus needs to be on all-around improvement in all areas of your life.

It’s why I write about so many different subjects on this website. Succeeding in anything in life requires the right mindsets, beliefs, and skills.

So while you may simply be here hoping to learn skills, understand that it’s at most only 33% of what you need to succeed.

For example, one of the most important skills that you need to master is called Emotional Control. Being a master of your own emotions enables you to control your reactions and respond correctly when shit hits the fan. It can also allow you to influence your partner’s behavior.

It’s extremely important that you stop labeling your partner as a borderline/BPD. Instead, start thinking about it in regards to behavior. Some important things to note:

  • Which behaviors are happening on a daily basis?
  • Do you know what is causing these behaviors to surface?
  • How often do you notice good behaviors?
  • Which type of behavior bothers you the most?

I want you to really spend the time to think about these questions. Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything that comes into your head. This is a good exercise to help you bring things to the surface. It will clear your mind and help you think.

Knowledge really is power. There’s a reason the most successful people on the planet have dozens of mentors, attend conferences, read books and more. They know that despite already being successful, they need to continue to learn and grow in order to prosper.

So time the time to learn what you need to learn. Invest your money into books, conferences, programs, etc. You are investing in your future here and educating yourself. This is nothing but positive improvement.

Get personal help and training from me. Become a member of the Reignite The Fire Community and you can ask me as many questions as you’d like. I’ll assist you as much as possible to help you with your relationship.

Rule #3: Kill Your Passiveness and Codependency

Your partner won’t stick with you as long as you fail to control your feelings and emotions. Understand that feelings come from your whole body, while thoughts come from your head. This is why you can’t simply think a certain feeling away.

Feelings, Thoughts, AttractionPeople with BPD have much difficulty in relationships because they have a very hard time controlling their feelings and emotions. They say a lot of things and think certain ways, but their behavior always tells the real story. Which is why you need to be a master of your own emotions.

When you lack emotional control, it becomes very easy for you to be emotionally destroyed by certain behavior such as:

  • Lying / Cheating
  • Love You / Hate You
  • Physical Aggression
  • Extreme Mood Changes
  • Absurd Accusations

I highly recommend you read this article about Codependency and BPD relationships. A lot of people have codependency issues which often times finds you dating a BPD because they too are codependents.

Codependency and passive behavior go hand in hand. The most unattractive behavior men show in relationships is when they become weak and passive. They fail to stand up for themselves, they fail to be aggressive, they fail to be masculine, they fail to correct a rocking boat.

If you want to know the #1 reason why men fail when dating BPD women, it’s because they become weak and fear losing their partner. If you feel that your partner tends to push you around and treat you poorly, I highly suggest you spend the time to learn about codependency.

I personally find people with BPD to be extremely fascinating individuals. Every girl I’ve ever dated that was extremely moody and full of emotions has taught me a lot about life and has helped me grow as a person. They usually have a very creative side to them with lots of potential.

However, it’s not my job to help them. My job, as a man in a relationship, is to be that masculine force that won’t be pushed around. I’m not afraid to tell her NO and to fight back. The last thing I will be in these BPD relationships is a passive individual.

Rule #4: Your Behavior Sets The Tone

A lot of the material you’ll read on this website is meant to help you develop the type of attitude, mindsets, skills and more to succeed at BPD relationships. They ain’t easy and it’s good that you’re seeking help.

This attitude that you develop should never change throughout the entire duration of the relationship – from day 1 to year 99 of the marriage. It needs to become who you are as a person.

Most people don’t understand how important your attitude is in BPD relationships. Having control over your emotions and having the correct attitude is what’s going to naturally give you the right behaviors, responses and more to every crazy situation you encounter.

This attitude and mentality helps you have the discipline and the knowledge to diffuse situations that you’d normally fail at. Seeing yourself succeed in these situations will only further give you more and more confidence in your relationship. Which of course equals more lovely good times with your partner!

As the non-BPD, you it’s your job to be the one that wears the pants in the relationship. Now this doesn’t mean that you need to be constantly helping and bailing them out. That is incorrect and unattractive.

Instead, you need to work as hard as possible on not being a push over. Go ahead and support your partner’s dreams, but don’t be trying to help them get there. Don’t let your relationship keep you from doing what you love to do.

This alone is extremely attractive to BPD’s. In my experience, BPD’s stay with the men and women that they can’t control through their behavior. Due to their abandonment fears, they will try to manipulate and beat you down. It’s just how they are.

As long as you don’t let it get to you, you’ll be loved very much by your partner. They want you to resist. So resist! But don’t become a passive push over. Feel free to stand up for yourself and trade fire with fire.

Conclusion

A lot of people think marriage is this blissful step to awesomeness that will only bring you two closer together. However, 90% of marriages are pretty crummy.

As the science of relationships has proven over and over again, men and women that have control over their emotions, have the confidence, have gained the deserved respect and know the damn skills always succeed – even if they’re dating a Borderline.

BPD’s desperately want a partner that isn’t going to put up with their behavior. Think of it as a man or woman that is looking for a father figure of sorts. It’s why a lot of BPD women get labeled as women with ‘daddy issues’. They literally want you to treat them with this ‘boss daddy’ attitude.

Without the know-how and the skills, the relationship collapses as it continues. Your passive behavior continues to kill attraction, your failure to show your strong, confidence side kills attraction, the fact that you’ve let your partner push you around and treat you bad shows that you have no respect for yourself.

That also kills attraction. And as time goes on, your partner begins to grow colder and colder. They occasionally see the awesomeness of you that they were attracted to in the beginning, but the BPD’s attitude has broken you down to the point where you’re unattractive.

This is exactly why I created the BPD Relationship Success Program. There are so many men and women that just don’t get why their partners are leaving them. And the last thing I want to see is a marriage ruined because of this behavior that can easily be dealt with when you know how.

Are you currently married to a BPD? What is your experience in marriage so far? Comment below and share your experiences and feedback.

{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }

tony January 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm

I just recently found out about this. i married a woman with this and now i found out that she had been talking to other men sending them pictures and telling them that she loves them i have actually talk to one of the other men i love my wife very much and am i upset about it yes she is very good at manipulation and lieing i just want to be able to get her the right help and move past all this i can look past the cheating and everything but the lieing has to stop what should i do

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Rick January 21, 2013 at 12:36 am

Tony… dude… wtf man? Why are you being such a passive bitch? I GUARANTEE you that if you don’t step up and become a man NOW, you will lose her for good. Buy my book, damn. Shit I will even GIVE IT TO YOU if you email me. This is just ridiculous… BPD’s need men that are REAL MEN. The one thing that makes them different from normal women is that they will keep you around until they no longer need you. Normal women are fine being single. BPD women aren’t. So once they find a new guy that can take care of them better than you, you’re out of the picture. She’s going to leave you if you don’t start being a real man. My book is exactly about how to be a real man.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:28 am

You may need to end it. I married a man with BPD and did not know it. For years I put up with mental, physical and vebal abuse and then when he needed something (money) it was flowers, compliments and love. I did not know anything about BPD and I wasted ten years of my life trying to be loving, supporting, etc. I just found out in December 2013 of his cheating. I contacted other women I now suspected and they were honest with me. He is a serial cheater and I was stupid because I trusted him from the day met. I did not grow up in a house where we lied and cheated and abused one another. He did. So I got played good. I am getting divorced. He lies to everyone. Even the pastor at the church he works at saying he did not want a divorce and was sorry. He showed no remorse at all. We were in counseling and it was a smokescreen for him; it was lifeline for me.

If your wife does not go into intense counseling, hands over the phone and computer to you, cuts all contact with the others, shows INTENSE remorse and you both get marriage counseling, I am sorry that your marriage may not survive. You must protect yourself now and keep yourself healthy emotionally and physcially. I wish you luck and I hope you can work it out.

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BC February 8, 2013 at 7:21 am

After reading some of your articles, I realize I’ve made a couple of mistakes regarding respect. I’ve been married to a woman for 7 years, who was diagnosed after year 1 with BPD. She wouldn’t acknowledge “being labeled” with that. I’ve been through all kinds of crap, and was ready for the D the very night she saw my disdain and jumped on top of me. We have a 4 year old son as a result. I’m blessed with him, but she has cut off intimacy (sex and otherwise). I made the mistake of backing off and saying that I guess I’d just “put up with your sh*t” and make myself better. I am exercising 5 days a week and losing weight and trying to do better in all aspects of life. But, the lack of sex/intimacy AND an increasing lack of common courtesy (she complains & barks about everything I do, from the smallest to the largest things) are driving me nuts. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Jason February 13, 2013 at 1:48 pm

So, I’ve been married to a woman with BDP for the past 6 years. Only within the past year and a half has her “condition” kicked in. She is big in to the impulsive shit, sexting, lying, cheating, etc….I’ve been dealing with it for over a year now, telling her to pack her bags and get the fuck out next time she does it! Surprise, surprise, it never ends! I really am getting to the end of my rope here, but I love this girl and we have a 3 year old son, dogs, house, debt….all that good shit together. How do you handle the cheating man? I can handel everything else, but that is getting to me! Is there a way to get this under control, or is it something I have to learn to accept?

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tom March 5, 2013 at 7:05 am

I would say stop trying to control her behavior. Instead of telling her to pack her bags, you should leave. The only thing you have control over are your own actions. Firmly establish boundaries and if she continues to cross them it won’t be tolerated. The reason it never ends is because you keep waiting for her behavior to change instead of changing your own and holding her accountable. It sucks. You’ll be sad, angry, frustrated, you’ll feel like you’re going crazy. These are all normal emotions when you’re in a relationship with a woman that is emotionally unstable. But sitting around and waiting for her empathy to mature is like raking leaves on a windy day. She won’t ever love you if she doesn’t respect you and if you do still love her and want her to respect you, you need to change your behavior. Like Rick said, turn a 180. And if you leave and over time you realize life is better of without her you can move on.

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Rick March 7, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Or another thing you can do is turn things around. A lot of guys that suffer with toxic relationships in general react to everything and take everything personal. This is wrong. If someone is being negative towards you, it’s up to you to decide that it affects you. So instead of getting pissed and fighting back, you can do what I do and that’s smile or laugh or tell her how cute she looks when she’s mad, etc. shit like that.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:32 am

It will never stop. You are not good enough for her anymore. She needs the “excitement” and attention the illicit relationship provides. If she shows no remorse for cheating, the marriage is over. Her actions now are more important than her words. My soon to be ex has been untreated BPD for 63 years!!!! The behavior does not get better untreated. Protect your child, your finances and yourself.

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JP September 29, 2014 at 9:57 am

I talk from experience here… if your wife is sexting, cheating then your marriage is already over. You are simply in denial by not accepting it and drawing courage to move on.

And any amount of “that good shit” does not justify as a tradeoff for doing anything which will hurt you and leave you emotionally and mentally impaired for life. What are you still waiting for ? Walking in and finding the woman in bed with another man ?? Is that when you will realise that the woman does not love you and is probably just using you for financial/social benefits ?

You have yourself said that it has been going on for a year. So it is quite clear that the person is not going to change.

You see, this is how these people work. Once you catch them lying/cheating they don’t stop doing it. They just become more careful in the future that they don’t get caught.

Your post is over a year old so as I respond here I sincerely hope that things worked out for you and you did not end up a mental wreck because of an abusive relationship.

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Rick September 30, 2014 at 3:02 pm

This is why the first time you ever catch your partner doing something, you need to seriously consider leaving them. Feel free to start a fight over this. Like if I caught my girlfriend sexting some other guy, I would break up with her immediately. And then I wouldn’t speak to her until she’s begging for me to take her back. Only then will I know that I’ve gotten my message across. Thanks for comment!

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LD March 8, 2013 at 8:39 am

Hey Rick, Love all the articles and your book, gave me a new view point on things. I am probably one of the few you will ever hear from that has been in a real long-term relationship with someone with behavioral issues. I too don’t really like any labels but when talking to anyone in the medical field it helps say so many things very quickly. As far as talking to the average Joe, no, it’s not a good way to describe your situation.

To the point, I have seen it all, experienced it all as far as living such a life. Yes, forget it if you have heavy ego. Forget it if you are selfish. Short term maybe, but long-term no; you will leave, sooner or later. They’ll drive you away. But maybe then you are the lucky one. Have some fun and run.

To remain is to put you with a lot of baggage but live is always interesting.

My thoughts…
Devotion to the person, care, love; be a lover, be a partner, be a friend and be a parent. This is what they truly want and need.
Be on top of them, monitor, manage but with love and goals of growth as persons and building their self image. This doesn’t mean they won’t take advantage of situations when an opportunity arises or they feel that you are not giving them attention. Like kids they will test, defy, take a mile, manipulate and deceive. Control is a key. Tough is good but love and compassion is paramount.

Short-term, you can play the tough guy or weak guy; both will get you some good and some bad results.
Long-term, you must approach it the way I said. But something I am still learning after 30 years is that don’t ever fully let your guard down.
I have been cheated on 3 times (as far as I can tell) in the 30 years. No real long term think, just out-cries of sort.

Why bother? Good question? Love? Is it enough? Challenge? Is it worth it?
Another thing, please forget the “don’t let it bother you” crap. It will never work if you are any kind of person period. It will only work if you are not committed to a life with the person. To build a life, it takes trust; trust requires that you get affected by acts of mistrust. This includes all of crap thrown at you by such personalities. It will bother you. Go ahead and make your self believe it doesn’t. That’s a mask. Remember, you are who you are for many reasons. Remember, you were, captured by them because they saw something in you the makes it ideal for them. They saw the real you; when you deny yourself the real you, your body and soul will always take a beating over time. Besides, you deny yourself the right to be you for ONE other person and it’s NOT for GOD. Shame! That’s not worth it. That alone is for selfish reasons of lust or challenge as you say.

Please don’t take anything I say too hard. These are just some of my thoughts; I have many others.

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Rick March 10, 2013 at 5:58 pm

I appreciate the comment and you lay out some truths for the long-term relationship. People in general cheat, not just BPD’s. So if you get cheated on 3 times in 30 years, that’s actually pretty good in my opinion. But it still can be too much for most people and can break a relationship. I really hope guys understand that people simply cheat even in marriage. If you’re marrying someone with BPD, expect to be cheated on.

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Brenda April 11, 2013 at 6:30 am

I have BPD, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9years. It has been a struggle for him, I do feel bad at times for what I have put him through. I have cheated on him at least 15 times in the last 9 years. I can’t stand being alone, and I always seeking acceptance and approval of others. It sucks because when things are happening, I don’t realize it, I don’t do anything to stop it and then afterwards i feel like OH S***! But I don’t stop talking to the other guy, in fact because we had sex it turns into a second or third relationship and they don’t know about each other. CRAZY I do understand that, but at the same time it sucks I do feel bad for what I have done to my partner of 9 years. My impulsiveness and need to make others like me really has been out of control. My thing is I love having male friends. I try to make them mutual friends. They know I am in a relationship, I had thought that it would be all good. Then comes text or emails from them that are cute or funny, replies are along the same content. Next thing I know Im secretly meeting up with them, and the relationship will last anywhere from 3months to 8months depending on what they are willing to deal with. The entire time I have my boyfriend of 9years who I am involved with. I don’t know that I can ever be faithful, no matter how hard I have tried to be it never last long, I feel horrible about myself, I am ashamed of my actions but like an addict I still do it over and over thinking something will be different. I have been through therapy, I have manipulated my counselors, over and over again. The fact that I am like this in reality makes me sick. I think about all I have done to him and I would never tolerate such behavior. I love him and I hate him. My heart is constantly in turmoil. The fact that there is no magic cure for this cruel mental illness makes it so hard. I know each person living with bpd has different degree of it. What i don’t understand is how I was faithful to the guy I dated previous to my current boyfriend. 2 years I was with him, never once did i think about cheating, not once did I want anyone else. When that relationship ended I jumped into the one I am in now, and haven’t been able to speak up and tell other men no. I am so disgusted with myself.
For those of you who are involved with BPD partner, I wish you the best of luck. I don’t know how my partner has stayed with me for 9 years, and I know that the relationship is unhealthy for him. He tells me to tell him to leave and he will, but no matter how much I hate him at times, I don’t want him to leave, and the truth to that reason is that I’m terrified of being alone. He for whatever reason has put up with all I have done and is still here and will stay here with me, arguing, yelling, fighting what ever it be but he is still here.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:42 am

What a horrible life you are providing for this person. Your cheating could cost him his life. I hope you are in some kind of treatment. Your BF sounds like he is insecure because a normal healthy man would have tossed you out so you could be with your cheaters.

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bathsheba May 6, 2013 at 11:18 am

this really hits home for me. i’ve only recently come to terms with my bpd (undiagnosed, though its been suggested and i’ve got common comorbid issues), and the real impetus for change was when the man i love broke up with me after a string of terrible fights in which i was essentially out of control, lashing out and inward and unable to cope with some external stresses on the relationship. (won’t get into those here, but the external stress was neither his nor my ‘fault’).

anyways, it took his taking a hard line with me with no chance of persuading him to come back to me that forced me to look at my own behaviors. interestingly, i started much of the recovery work (mindfulness meditation, assertiveness training, etc) before i really even had pinpointed bpd as the underlying issue.

fast-forward half a year and we’re now slowly exploring the potential for a relationship again. its clear he truly loves me, but is also protective of himself and not willing to go all in when its not clear it will be a good thing for either one of us.

this contrasts with every other relationship i’ve ever had (which, consistent with the personality, have been numerous, unstable, often intensely passionate, and lacking resolution even well after they ended), which basically fall into two camps.
the unattainable, in which i throw myself at someone who is never going to reciprocate my feelings but will gladly maintain a physical relationship with me, or the unconditional acceptance, essentially the reverse of the former. in both cases, i avoid real intimacy, but the guilt of being in the latter type of relationship makes me leave those more quickly and decisively, often chasing after someone who will simply do the very same thing to me.

it seems so obvious in retrospect, but i am largely blind to this pattern as it plays out. and of course, the interplay between a fear of intimacy and a fear of abandonment, insecurity and seduction, are deep and complex issues that will take more than just a loving partner with healthy boundaries to disentangle and deactivate. but what it does do is help me to trust, take responsibility for my actions, and puts a brake on the reactivity which decreases the chances of my emotions spiraling out of control.

so i appreciate your points here, and hope that those of you in relationships with someone with bpd can navigate with compassion towards your partner, and respect of your own boundaries. you’ll be doing them a great service in doing so.

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George August 16, 2013 at 3:13 am

Nobody with self respect would put up with lieing and cheating, those qualities don’t even make a good friend. Leave you deserve better. To stay will be death by borderline.

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Right and I agree. Hence why it’s important to have options and the power of choice. But it’s harder to leave a marriage than other relationships. It’s always a tough situation. At the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s right for you and you only.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:33 am

George is correct.

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Crystal September 3, 2013 at 9:00 am

I dated a man with this illness off and on for about a year. When it was good it was perfect, but when it was bad it was hell on earth. He took care of me and my kids unlike anyone else, we didn’t want for anything. Then he would twist off and he even hit me in front of my children. He said he was taking prescription pills and that he was not like this when he is clean. He is now in jail because he and a friend got into a fight and he got arrested. He still wants to marry me and seems sincere, my children actually miss him a lot….I do too, I’m really confused…..

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natasha October 3, 2013 at 2:35 am

Hi Rick, where can I purchase this book. I love my husband of 10 years very much but i often feel alone and that he doesnt love me. He does i just feel like he doesn’t. I have cheated a couple of times i have never slept with anyone but have kissed someone and have been on dating sites and have arranged to meet men for sex only to chicken out later thank god. basically i dont want to lose my husband or hurt him any more

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 7:41 pm

I believe that everyone goes through temptations periods like you’ve experienced. In all honesty, kissing isn’t a big deal so don’t feel down on yourself. If you’ve lost attractiveness for your husband, then I can understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. Perhaps your husband is the one that needs my new book Toxicity because his attractiveness is low in your eyes.

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Clay November 18, 2013 at 9:09 am

What if a wife suddenly leaves and is posting pics all hot and guys are now coming out of the woodwork saying she is gorgeous???? I have a whole slew of new numbers from her showing up in our phone bill. Is she trying to make me jelous? or is she actively seeking a thrill. She will aggressively deny cheating when asked, but if you ask to clarify new numbers or facebooking till 3am everyday the fight is on.

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Rick December 2, 2013 at 3:21 pm

Haha just pretend you don’t notice. She’s obviously seeking attention so give her even less. If she wants to go slut it up, then dump her before she gets the upper hand.

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chris miller November 4, 2013 at 9:37 am

Rick I have been in and out with a alcoholic bpd for 8 years! We were married for 1 year. Everything I read on your site it 100% correct. I know that I have codependent issues, but the difference is I am a strong alpha male. She has never left me it is always me throwing her out. She gets drunk hits me and I send her packing. She says all the time how much she loves me and respects me knows how good I am for her, but won’t give up the booze. We have been apart for 2 months now and I am really missing her! I know she has a new boyfriend as she has announced that to my best friend. What should I do in this situation?

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 9:54 am

Thank the heavens that she left because dating a drunk is very annoying.

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Jeremiah December 17, 2013 at 8:44 pm

I could really use some advice. I’m not sure what to do, or whether I really want her back at this point. I can’t spare money for the book right at the moment, financial issues for a while.

It started out so good. She said I was always fun to be around and I felt the same about her, but I developed performance anxiety due to the way she was treating me and things started going downhill. Even after these issues came along, we both still really enjoyed each others company.

It started resolving itself as I kept telling her she had to be nice to me to be attractive and it slowly sank in sort of. Our last week together she was way nice and I was actually able to have sex with her, but she got mad at me for not being “perfect” in bed(after a month without sex I didn’t last long, normally I do). She was understanding 4 a while but later that day we ended up arguing about it and she kept yelling at me and for the first time I kicked her out of my house. She has kicked me out of hers many times.

She had previously told me about a one night stand thing with this guy that she got into during a short break up of ours b4 we got back together again and she started being nice again, basically saying that it had been unfulfilling bc there was no connection like we had and the guy was a “douchebag”(her words) and insisting she only did it bc she “needed” sex(it’s what’s real for her though).
But, my kicking her out and not talking to her for 2 weeks waiting for her to right herself and cool off may have been ill-timed I may have f**ked up in this particular context as I think it drove her back to him and I’m pretty sure they have moved in together(I deduced this, she hasn’t exactly told me anything), but I don’t think it will last bc she said he wasn’t a good potential bf and she is usually right about people and I’m pretty sure she just picked up with him where she left off with me(people who go from one relationship to another you can’t truly connect if you can’t truly disconnect, so it’s like transferring and projecting it over onto the new person. she probably thinks she likes him as much as she actually liked me…)

All I can say is I love her and have hope for her potential bc although I have dated two other possible BPDs she is the only one who is aware of her behavior and I actually see her at least try hard to change it and at least she is honest about things though it doesn’t make it easier all the time. Sorry its so long

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Silent Bob January 21, 2014 at 7:12 am

Sorry, I don’t believe a word of this. I’ll bet it sells a lot of books, but your theories will never work in real life. You cannot fix anyone who is that broken, nor are you ever (at any point) ‘in control’ of a BPD. You just think you are. And given your flip responses, you seem to hold a narcissistic view about marriage and cheating, or even relationships in general.

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 2:04 am

Well let’s face it, no one is an ‘expert’ on relationships or else everybody would be doing what’s right and makes everybody happy. I simply offer better, general advice than what’s out there. You always have to keep in mind that most people have more issues than just BPD. But no where do I talk about being a controlling asshole. All you can control is yourself. Why do you think my new book Toxicity is all about building yourself into a high quality person that attracts other high quality people? That’s how you get yourself a great relationship.

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Mona January 25, 2014 at 9:27 am

Well I’m a woman married to someone who exhibits the signs of BPD. Very charming , outgoing, can be extremely generous and caring. On the flip side very prone to bursts of anger over a towel not being placed correctly.
My issue anytime I voice the minimum request for dialogue nicely he takes a fit he’s too busy his empire is crumbling this is why he doesn’t want me around. If I bring up examples of his actions that demonstrate commitment. His rage turns to I’m unappreciative of his efforts his commitment and list of actions of how hard he’s tried.
Constant get out of my life then actions that to outsiders are seen as in love.
How to deal? Like you guys the charm the niceness keeps you in thinking if only you could behave a certain way to make it like it was .

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 1:58 am

The way you deal with an asshole is you don’t give them respect back. So they tell you to get out, you get out lol. Just go inside and do your own thing or leave for a bit, go hang out with friends or whatever. When he comes around asking for you or where you are or for sex or whatever, simply tell him ‘no, you don’t want me in your life remember so you can’t have me’ and hold strong. Make him beg for mercy.

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Jan February 13, 2014 at 8:39 am

Rick you are correct. The male BPD’s are charming and will “woo” you until they get what they want. My soon to be ex did this and got money from me and then wanted things from the house. When I found out the truth, that ended instantly. No more money, no nothing. He can get money from the POS he is cheating with.

But the thing is this BPD lost the only one who cared and loved him. He has alienated his kids, sister and family. He does not have any true friends. I really was the only true friend he ever had. He is untreated and 65 years old and his behaviour is the most volatile right now than I have ever seen. I have no further contact. I love the silence.

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Rick March 9, 2014 at 9:33 pm

Yup it’s true that age makes no difference. As long as they hold on to their crazy behavior and make no attempts to truly change, they’re doomed for life (as are all of us).

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Sublte March 11, 2014 at 6:36 pm

I’m a woman in a relationship with a BPD male who is very jealous and insecure. What does he need to make this relationship work?

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Rick April 10, 2014 at 7:02 pm

I’ve read all of your comments and I’ll respond what you need to do. While I do think words are weak at times, you still need to use them when the going gets tough. Your BF obviously has issues that are much bigger than you and the relationship. Because of this, he gets jealous and insecure and rages. While it bugs me that you stick around with such a low quality man, I will still try to help you. You need to give him a harder time. You need to tell him to stop being such an insecure little bitch. Tell him that this isn’t junior high anymore and you can talk to whomever you wish. If he gets jealous, it’s his own problem. Just keep getting on his case for these issues, he needs to let go of his issues, you need to try to get them to surface. If you can, try to figure out why he gets jealous. Past relationship? Cheated on multiple times? Probably something from the past. Then he needs to let it go. It’s a big issue hence why the new BPD book deals with this greatly.

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Sylvia April 8, 2014 at 1:34 pm

Hey, what do you have to say about bpd men? I´m in a relatioship with one for 5 years now, and now we are supposed to get married.. I´m not pretty sure.. I´m actually quite good at estabilishing limits and avoiding his abuse, putting him in his place, but I’m kinda tired of it. The attempts are frequent. Tired of having to explain and convince him the obvious sometimes.. I don’t know.. can you help me? He’s actually a great guy and has evolved a lot, but just not enough i think, or maybe i should leave..

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Rick April 10, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Yea this is always tough because you simply don’t know what will happen down the road. If you think he’ll continue to evolve and change for the better, then go for it. If you have doubts in your gut, then I suggest that you leave. Leaving may also motivate him to work harder and fixing himself.

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alisha July 11, 2014 at 4:56 am

I have been with, what I think now is a BPD man an just had baby for 2 years, only to find that he is married living with her and was with 3 other women as far as I know, and she knew about the women to where they would come to the house, as did I, which is why I didn’t know!! We were so perfect, an felt like soul mates an planned a baby but I knew something was not rite! I would get mad n leave because of the lies, cancelling on planned things but stay cause I was told so much about HOW HE HAS BEEN THE VICTIM and I did not want to victimize him just cause of broken promises! Well it came time to move in cause we were engaged, everything CAME OUT! His daughter whom I met never even mentioned the wife, her mother! I have left more times then I can count, maybe twice a week but he pushes sooooo hard for me to stay don’t leave, he needs me, im his everything! I have contacted all the women, WHO I FOUND ARE ALL PUSH OVERS! When I put him out, he is either with one or ALL of them, to fill that void I believe and even with proof, that I know, or they tell me or show screenshots if conversation, HE WILL LIES TO THE DEATH! He tries to get me back by mentioning suicide, or moving to another state, an really tries to do the reverse psychology! I am the only one that doesn’t put up with his mess, puts him out, stubborn, don’t give in, AN I DO BELIEVE HE IS DEEPLY INLOVE WITH ME! He say its been over with his wife for years, an now I believe it’s because she is weak, she begs, she took it for 8 years, WHICH I REFUSE TO DO!

Now, he has made it a lil easy now I see from your article! He has told me, I have abandonment issues, child hood trauma, I need to be chastised, tell me u want me home, you think sombody is calling my phone, ANSWER! I feel he likes the drama! Bein caught is a thrill even in sex acts! When it comes to the wife filing for divorce, he somewhat fights it! He say its was only for his daughter, she is the only reason! With all the women, it was a AGENDA! He used sex to get what he wants! But that can’t be the case with me, cause I have nothin for him to use me for! The wife is in desperation an refuses to let go and fight but uses divorce to get him to come back, but he has told her its completely over and is deeply in love with me! He feels in his hart he has done nothin wrong! An pours his hart out to me about im his everything, he can’t live without me and HE NEEDS ME AN CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT ME! Which now I think ITS THE THRILL OF CHASING ME TRYIN TO WIN MY LOVE BACK! Wen I give in, things calm down! He has RAGED maybe once at the fear of me leaving! I demand respect, set boundries, an run a tight ship just like I do with my kids, an I see a lot of kid tendencies in him! But I knew something was not rite, to just lie, manipulate, hide, keep secrets for so long an really believe you have done nothig wrong, U EITHER HAVE BPD OR IS COMPLETELY HEARTLESS!

My question is will he divorce, stop communication with the other women, is he truly inlove with just me, am I on the rite track is why he fights so hard not to loose me????? If this is what he has, it is a very selfish DISORDER, things is, am I strong enuff to live with it!? Because the marriage thing was enough for me, yes there us a baby im in love with him deeply, but its not healthy cause there is AIDS out there n i don’t share no man, but he is willing a tries very hard so he say to do rite! Hearing about BPD must be a struggle for him…….MENTAL HEALTH IS ALSO MY PROFESSION! Please help…

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Rick August 3, 2014 at 12:09 am

I appreciate you being brave and submitting your story, but it’s just too difficult to coach you through my comments section, lol. Contact me directly and we can set up some coaching. Thanks!

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Caseyjane July 20, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Hello, I have recently found out I have BPD I did all the lies and had sex with women but he knew, after some suicidal thoughts I was admitted and medicated. My finace still wants to marry me, but now I am not sure. any advice for me?

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Rick July 24, 2014 at 10:31 pm

Yea I mean feel free to email for more personal thoughts but it’s really how you feel about this. I always tell people to look at the individual (you) and not the diagnosis (bpd). So if you really feel that you see yourself long-term with your fiance, then marry him. If there’s a lot of doubt, then don’t get him committed like that.

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Chrissie September 3, 2014 at 9:27 am

I have BPD, I am currently having dialectic therapy, I have to say, I have never ever cheated on my husband of 7 years, yes he puts up with a lot, and he cheated on me, with an emotional affair with some stupid arse skank he met on line, it almost destroyed me, though we are working at our marriage, and he now understands things a lot better, I would try and state that some of us are generally nice loyal people that have been given reasons to be like this, I find it very difficult that everyone seems to think we are all lying cheats ! Please don’t judge us all the same way, we just want stability !

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Rick September 7, 2014 at 11:19 pm

I don’t say anywhere on my site that all BPD’s cheat. In fact, most BPD’s that I’ve known and dated over the years didn’t cheat. So I don’t want you thinking that I believe this and teach it as truth – I don’t. I hate the word BPD because it is such a general judgment that people throw around, hence why I always teach to focus on the individual and not the disorder :)

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Rob September 5, 2014 at 3:48 am

So I have been married to my wife for 8 years now. We have a 5 year old daughter. My wife just recently got pregnant again. After 4 weeks of being pregnant she cheated on me for the 2nd time that I know of. She shows remorse and after a long conversation she told me the truth of the affair. She says she loves me and cannot control her impulsiveness. I love her too but I don’t want to keep getting hurt. She is currently seeing therapists and starting DBT sessions to take control of the disorder. I really just want to end the marriage but with her being pregnant I probably won’t have any kind of relationship with the new child. I live overseas and if we divorce than she will move back to the states half a world away. I can see myself working on this relationship but I don’t want to invest anymore of my life into making this marriage work just to be cheated on again. Any advice or suggestions? What do you guys think?

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Rick September 7, 2014 at 11:17 pm

I think all that DBT and therapy is just a cover for her actions. I’ve known many BPD’s that don’t cheat. Cheating is and always will be a choice at the end of the day. It’s not just something that ‘happens’ no matter how many disorders you have. Do you both live overseas or are you guys separated by an ocean for a considerable time?

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Rob September 8, 2014 at 1:44 am

Rick, we both live overseas together. We don’t spend anytime away from each other except for going to work. I’ve caught her several times sending nude pictures to different people however that hasn’t occurred in a few years. Also as I said before this isn’t the first time this has happened. The first time she actually loved the guy and this time was just a one night stand type of affair. This is such a difficult situation to be in and I don’t want to stay married just for the sake of the unborn child.

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Brittany September 16, 2014 at 10:24 am

Well, you’re right and you’re wrong. I was diagnosed with BPD at 16 years old. I am 3 days away from turning 27 and I can say that some of us actually do get better but it isn’t with therapy and drugs or someone holding our hand through everything. For me, it took a big wake up call and a lot of self discipline. I was in a relationship with my ex from the time I was 17 until the time I was 24. I dealt with physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse as well as constant abandonment because his drug use was more important than anything else. For the first year, I was faithful. I got pregnant with our daughter shortly after I turned 18. My main concern was trying to fix him while maintaining my own mental health so we could be a family. Well, I couldn’t fix him and in return my mental health suffered. I left him for the first time when my daughter was about 6 months old. This happened a few times over the next few years. I would always find someone else that made me feel like I was worth something, I’d leave him and then I’d go back. I guess I technically wasn’t cheating because I would always leave before I became involved with another guy, but it felt like I was cheating because I was still emotionally attached to him. We had another child when I was 21 and things got worse/better from there. This kind if sounds strange, but the more pain I felt, the more drive I had to get better. I stopped cutting. I stopped self medicating. I was still a train wreck inside, but I was doing a lot better. When I was 24, I left for good. It wasn’t easy, but I trained myself to think rationally and that helped. A few months before turning 25, I met my husband. Before meeting him, I got my shit together. I was okay with being single. I was looking at the long term finally instead of short term. I wanted to find someone to spend the rest of my life with and to be a good father figure to my children (seeing as how their sperm donor wasn’t doing much of anything). Throughout our relationships, I have had some hiccups. He was there for me but he didn’t baby me. He didn’t just put up with my bullshit and that helped a lot. There was one time during an “episode” as I call them that I was terrified I was going to lose him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I refused to allow some disorder to take him away. So, I learned how to stop the episodes before they even happened. Now on to the cheating. You said that you can “expect to be cheated on”. That’s not always true. I have been 100% faithful to my husband since the day we started dating. I haven’t even thought about being with someone else. There have been no questionable texts or Facebook messages. Do I have guy friends?? Yes. I do. And they are just that. Friends. They have never crossed any lines and that’s why they continue to be my friends. My husband has made me a better person and it’s because he actually helped me get better instead of sitting back and letting my disorder run the show. Our son was born on July 31, 2014. He was born at 26 weeks gestation and is still in the hospital. Even through the stress of that, I have still managed to remain healthy and that’s because I have a strong man to help me. When I fall, he doesn’t pick me up and carry me. He grands me by the hand, forces me to get up and then makes me stand on my own 2 feet. So, you were definitely right when you said that a weak man will never get through to us. I can honestly say the only issues I have now is trying to make peace with the ugly last I have as well as trying to come to terms with the fact that my husband had other relationships before me. It’s a little weird. I know. I’m working through it quietly. I don’t feel the need to cry to him about something I can’t understand or that he can’t so anything about. For some reason, just knowing that he loves someone else before me hurts. But my point is, BPDs can get better, but they have to want to.

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Rick September 18, 2014 at 1:53 pm

Thanks for the comment Brittany! Your comment is great. But I do want to point out that I never said you can expect to be cheated on. That phrase isn’t even in the article, lol. I only use the word cheating once. Now onto your comment, you can’t really fix people. A person needs to motivate themselves to want to be better and a person like your husband motivates you to want to be your best self – just as I’m sure you motivate your husband to be his best self as well. So my article isn’t intended to put down BPD’s. In fact, it sounds like to me that your first husband had many deeper problems than you have ever had. I would label him as the disturbed one. You sound like you’re on the right path here so thanks for contributing and I hope people will read your comment and see that BPD’s are very capable of being loved. They just need a partner that won’t let the disorder run the show like you said :)

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pete September 27, 2014 at 3:41 pm

Brenda. Id like to talk to you if possible.

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Pete September 30, 2014 at 5:18 am

I was married for 13 years when my wife got diagnosed with bpd. She had been treated for the previous 3 with post traumatic stress disorder. When I learned about bod everything was explained. The splitting – all day I’m an arse hole etc and I decide I’ll sleep on the couch and as I’m going to bed she approaches in the nude wanting sex. When I hesitate I get accused of having an affair. As if. I’m working full time doing all the housework taking kids to school and all their after school activities as well as all the shopping. Reckless spending – I get home from work and find she has spent $40000 on a real estate scheme. A $25000 credit card bill with nothing to show for it. Thousands of dollars constantly wasted on shit. In the end we sell the family home to pay off debts Never sticking at anything – the courses she started but never Finished. The jobs she started only to quit. Black and White thinking- we had 3 eons and an eldest daughter. The fights on a daily basis with them was unbelievable. I’d get home from work and be the arse hole if I didn’t sort out the fights she had started. Self harm was the worst. When she started that it was awful sticking scissors in her arms and legs overdosing on prescription medication and panadol and booze. Having to hide the booze from her
my mistake was staying as I knew she would not cope. I should have seen a lawyer and kicked her out the home earlier
The kids all live with me now. She is fighting for custody but the courts won’t give her sleepovers. In the past 12 months she has spent 5 weeks in gaol and has been an involuntary psych patient 9 timee

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Rick September 30, 2014 at 3:00 pm

Damn dude that is an intense relationship. I’m sorry you had to experience all of that :( As easy as it is to just blame this on BPD, I guarantee you there is much more serious issues going on with her. I’ve met many BPD’s that don’t do any of those behaviors you described. But yet, BPD is definitely one of her problems along with many others. Thanks for the comment Pete and I hope everything works out for ya. Let me know if you need anything!

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Pete October 2, 2014 at 1:59 am

Thanks for your post man. You may be right.
I’m sitting here tonight with my 10 year son who for the second year in a row has mum has missed his birthday. Last year she was in gaol this year in a psych unit. She spoke to him today by phone and didn’t realise it was birthday. There are some serious narcissistic issues as well as possible bipolar. She ticks every box in the 9 things u have according to the mental health bible. I was a police officer and if I was late home from work I’d get shit. I once had 52 unanswered calls after catching a crock at 3 in the morning and interviewing him fir 80 burglaries. She destroyed friendship after friendship especially if I liked her friends. She has bpd but I agree she has other issues. Knowledge is power. I’d would not have married her if I knew what would happen but a ya feel a gorgeous 14 year old daughter and 3 boys aged 12 10 and 8. Seeing my daughter singing in her school production and my 2 eldest boys playing soccer in divisions above their age and being selected in rep squads and having an 8 year old following in their footsteps keeps me going. What’s your story?

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