Why Is My Girlfriend Pushing Me Away, Being Distant, Cold?

girlfriend pushing me away

Are you tired of never knowing exactly what’s going on in your girlfriend’s head? The pulling away, the lack of communication, the cold shoulders…

Don’t you wish you could just figure out what the problem is and get back to that fun, exciting relationship you two had in the past?

I’ve been through this dreadful experience numerous times in my life. And since you’re reading this article, I’m sure you want some answers.

Women Can Be Confusing

Even if you believe that you’re doing everything right in your relationship, women may still pull away throwing you completely off-guard.


I don’t personally have any insight into your relationship, but there are some very important lessons I’ve learned over the years from experience as well as helping many men and women.

Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how much you think you know about women.

If you don’t know and respect these lessons (aka respect the game), there’s a good chance that your girlfriend is going to get turned off and leave you for good.

There could be numerous reasons why she’s pushing you away and being distant. Giving her this space could be important. But what’s the bigger reason behind it?

What I firmly believe is that women will constantly test you to see if you haven’t lost your self-respect. As I’ll discuss later, it’s the most attractive thing in a man.

I don’t know the exact situation with your relationship. But what I do know is that it’s important that you take these lessons seriously and read through this entire article. Your relationship could depend on it!

Understanding Emotions and the Push/Pull Dynamic

Emotions play a major role in our lives. They are what make us human after all. Because women are usually more emotional than men, it’s important that you expect the unexpected.

It’s very important that you learn to control your emotions as a man. Without this control, you’ll very easily make the mistake of overreacting in certain situations.

Many wars and conflicts throughout history could have been avoided if these leaders were better able to control themselves and avoid crucial mistakes.

On the other hand, the best generals in history knew how to control these feelings and thus were able to masterfully plan out campaigns that crushed their enemies despite having far fewer soldiers.

Now this doesn’t mean that you become a nonreactive, pushover of an individual. That would be the opposite of being a strong man.

You still need to respect yourself and use this emotional control to respond in the correct way.

The common man reacts in an incorrect way when their girlfriend starts to grow cold and distant.

Instead of giving her some space and reading between the lines, he usually starts asking questions. As men, we like to fix things. It’s no different in a relationships.

But as you push and prod, you usually end up hurting yourself even more. You don’t get answers, you become more and more confused, and all your thoughts are about your girlfriend.

You just can’t get her out of your head. You don’t want to get her out of your head. You want to fix this problem and get the relationship back to where it used to be!

Now if this sounds similar, then keep reading. If not, please email me and let me know so I can make this article better.

Here are additional articles I recommend you read:

The Truth About Investment and Commitment

When it comes to relationships, investment and commitment are key. When people invest their time, energy and commitment into each other, relationships grow.

There are other forms of investment such as money and gifts. While investing money does somewhat play a role in relationships, it isn’t nearly as important as commitment, effort and time.

If you’re investing a lot of money and gifts into your girlfriend and she’s still being distant, what’s the bigger issue here?

If you said commitment, you are correct!

Because you’re being such a damn good provider for your girl, she really doesn’t have to do much back. There’s really no serious forms of investment and commitment on her end.

She doesn’t really get the chance to put forth the time and energy because you’re being so good to her. Or so you think.

You may not be big into money, but I do know that there are a lot of men out there that get this wrong. They book trips, they buy her something fancy, they take her out on the town in his amazing car.

A lot of men think that if you can show how good of a provider you are, your girlfriend will come running back into your arms and love you long time.

But I truly don’t believe it’s a provider that women want. Not in this day and age, not in 2015 and into the future as I explain in the free Relationship Survival Pack.

What women truly want is a man that can match her lifestyle. It’s a man that understands who she is and the path that she’s on. It’s a man that’s got the attitude, a man that isn’t needy, a man that ultimately respects himself.

I could go on and on about being this man. I’ve written books and created programs on explaining exactly that. This blog and it’s purpose is about building your self-respect and teaching you how to be great in relationships.

There is so much that goes into developing this self-respect. It’s truly a life-long journey and it will bring you awesome relationships and an awesome life as you build on it.

Additional reading:

  • The Truth About Commitment  – stop looking for signs of interest and instead focus on actions of commitment as these are the true signs of a relationship.

Relationships Are A Two-Way Partnership

Even if you aren’t spending money and over-providing, most men simply forget that relationships are supposed to be a partnership between two people.

You need to keep in mind that this girl was once very much attracted to you. Somewhere along the way, you probably forgot that your girlfriend wants you.

In these strong, healthy relationships both you and your girlfriend should be providing for each other almost on a 50/50 level.

As a self-respecting man, expecting anything less from your girlfriend is you disrespecting yourself. Think about this for a little bit.

Somewhere along the journey of your relationship, you lost respect for yourself. There could be a number of reasons why this is.

But women are ultimately attracted to men with self-respect. It doesn’t matter how tall you are, how well you dress, how charming you may be and how well you speak.

At the end of the day, the #1 most attractive thing about a man is his level of self-respect. Please remember this as this is key to the success or downfall of your relationships throughout life.

If this is hard to understand for you, then I don’t blame you. Thanks to society, a lot of men believe that they need to earn this respect from women and thus they fall into this providing type of role.

That’s why I write a lot of detailed articles like this, that’s why I write the books I do and create the programs I have so I can help men (and women) realize their own worth and develop that self-respect. It’s the key to success in relationships.

Additional Reading:

Women Crave These Men With Self-Respect

If you feel that you’re always investing more than your girlfriend, then you are definitely in an unbalanced relationship and I believe you’re disrespecting yourself this way.

I believe that any self-respecting man wouldn’t put himself in a situation where he’s pushing and chasing, trying to fix things and dig for answers.

It’s this type of attitude that causes you to snoop into her phone or computer, asking her friends or family for help and advice. If your girlfriend knows you’re doing these things, that’s just an instant turn off.

And guys I need you to listen carefully here – once you turn off a woman enough times, she will never feel that attraction for you again. Ever.

In all my years of teaching and coaching men, I have never seen a completely turned off woman regain that attraction for their man. It just doesn’t happen.

So you need to understand that women, even the ‘crazy’ BPD girlfriend types, really want a man that knows his own worth and has that self-respect.

The reason I’ve been able to date BPD women is because I know what these women want. It’s all I blog about and teach.

Women want to see that she cannot push you around, cannot make you overreact, cannot make you needy, cannot make you insecure, cannot make you lose respect for yourself.

When women see that, it’s game over. Even a BPD can’t resist being with a man like this. It’s such a rare occurrence to find this type of man that she would be crazy to leave him.

One of my most favorite sayings is that it is always better to be respected than to be liked. This applies ten-fold in your relationships.

Check this article out if you have the time:

  • Self-Respect for Relationships – women find a man’s level of self-respect to be the MOST attractive quality. Work on this and you’ll have way more success in relationships.
  • Dating Women with BPD – How I’ve been able to do it and how you can too.

Developing That Self-Respect

While there are many possible reasons why your girlfriend is pushing you away right now, keep in mind that the bigger picture is due to her losing interest over a period of time.

A woman doesn’t just quit liking you one morning. Not even a BPD is like that. You may think that’s the case but believe me she’s been losing interest for a bit.

The most common reason for this is you losing that self-respect. Your masculinity may have grown weak. You’re lost that edge, you’re easily pushed around, you’re needy, you’re seeking validation,etc.

These are all major turn-offs to women. And some women will hide their turn-off until one day they just can’t take it anymore and they’re gone ASAP when they meet a newer, better man.

You can blame women all you want, but at the end of the day only you are responsible for who you are. Guy’s often lose focus of this and before you know it you’ve changed.

When you understand this, it makes it really easy to see why your girlfriend is being distant. She’s lost respect for you!

Women love men that they respect. The more a woman respects you, the more she will fall in love with you.

Here’s an article I highly suggest you read now that you have a general idea of why women push you away:

What If My Girlfriend Has BPD?

In the past, I used to attract a lot of BPD women and have experience being in these types of relationships. Emotions definitely play a much bigger role.

But what I learned from my experiences is that everything I have stated above about self-respect, controlling your emotions, being your own man is equally as effective with BPD women.

While all women desire the above traits in a man, a woman with BPD needs her man to have these consistent traits at all times. She will grow tired of you and pull away if you start consistently showing weakness due to the fact that she’s dealt with weak men all her life.

While a BPD woman might seem out of control and lost at times, it’s actually the fact that she’s uncontrollable. As I have talked about earlier, your job isn’t to fix things. Your job is to be your own man.

Women with BPD have very strong emotions and unless you’ve got 10 inches of thick steel skin, you’re going to have a difficult time. BPD relationships are complicated and they require you to be the strongest version of yourself.

I’ve been in great relationships with women that most people call crazy. But I never experienced the issues that all these other men faced because I work very hard on myself and my levels of self-respect.

I believe that this trend is only going to increase. Not BPD, but the fact that women demand more from men. Again, check out my DETOX book to learn more.

If you suspect you’re dating a girl with BPD, read this:

  • BPD Relationships Are Complicated – you’re dating a person that has a lack of confidence and self-worth. These relationships are tough and complicated, but I can help you make it work.


If you’ve only had experience with calm, passive women, then any girl with strong emotions (which I prefer) will throw you off because they require a completely different attitude.

Highly feminine, emotional women are usually attractive, spontaneous, out-going and incredibly fun to be with when they’re attracted to you.

But these women will also leave you just as fast as they met you if you fail to keep up. Keeping a girl interested in you for the long haul is all about YOU having that self-respect, that consistent attitude that women crave.

Thanks for stopping by. Don’t forget to grab my 4 free guides where I dive deeper and deeper into these types of relationships.

Click Here to Create Your Free Account

- Rick

The Relationship Survival Pack
4 Free High-Quality Guides On Relationships, Dating, Mindsets, Drama, Boundaries and More

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  1. Terserah says

    Guys,It’s really not hard to pick up girls. You just need to edcatue yourself and luckily, there’s some sick guides out there.

    • Rick says

      Yes, it is all about education. But this website isn’t about picking up girls. All of the so-called PUA’s out there are virgins and never get laid. I repeat: pick up artists NEVER get laid. They are laughed at by women. No one wants to sleep with a try-hard and if you’re into PUA material, you are a try-hard.

      So guy: avoid PUA material and don’t waste your money! It will NOT help you do better with women. In fact, PUA material will make you much, much worse in the long run because it poisons your mindsets.

  2. malmn says

    “How To Date Highly Unstable Women”

    Who in their right mind wants to do that?
    I went out with an insanely hot chick (I mean really hot) with BPD and I learned that it’s just not worth it.
    I got her using all the techniques described on this site.
    I kept her for 9 months using all the suggestions and adivce offered here.
    It’s still not worth it.
    Let these crazy bitches rot and find yourself a normal girl.
    You’ll be much better off and much, much happier. :)
    Trust me, your internet guardian angel. :)

  3. Vera hudson says

    I happen to be one of these women and its true, this works. Actually.this is why im here because I noticed his behavior change and I knew he was trying something new on me. Lol thanks for the info

  4. sally fay says

    I don’t know what most women want or need but I don’t want a man always trying to take the lead or to take the reigns. Everything in moderation sure it’s nice to have someone to lean but, I don’t want anyone trying to control me or my life. I start distancing myself in a relationship if I feel a man is being too wishy washy or clingy. It’s difficult to feel safe wiith someone that doesn’t seem to have a clue what they want or if you feel they rely on you for their direction in life. That’s just my take on it

    • Rick says

      Exactly, I never tell men to be clingy, in fact I tell them to be the opposite. So thank you for agreeing with me :)

  5. Person says

    In my case, I really don’t think me “taking control,” “saying no,” etc, was what my ex wanted at all. In fact, almost every time I tried to do one of those things she got mad. She had our entire weekend planned out a week in advance, and if I tried to deviate from her plans in any way she’d rage. Like when my friend from the other side of the country came to visit unexpectedly and I wanted to take her out to meet with them for a night out in the city. Also, since I’m an introvert at times I would tell her that I needed a day to be alone on the weekend and she’d rage then also.

    For the 4th of July (a Friday) she was supposed to go away with friends somewhere where I couldn’t go with her (friends place that I didn’t know and wasn’t invited to). I had already told her that I planned to spend the 4th with friends so she knew that in advance. She ended up changing her plans and wanted me to go with her to her dads beach house for the weekend. I told her I’d go after I was done at my friends party on the 4th and be with her for the rest of the weekend. RAGE. Because she wanted me to meet her at her dads beach house a night earlier. I explained that I already made those plans but ended up cancelling and giving in to avoid her wrath. In cases like this I really don’t think standing my ground would have made her love me more.

    Are there different types of BPD who this idea doesn’t apply to?

    • Rick says

      No you’re just incorrect here but you’re free to believe what you want. Women are women whether they have BPD or not. It’s why I’m able to date them so easily. If she would have raged at me, I would have then told her to f*** off. You wouldn’t ever do this though because you fear losing her and she knows this. So she can rage at you all day long. But she wouldn’t rage towards me because she knows I wouldn’t hesitate to dump her. That’s the big difference here bro. You’ve got to work on this attitude. She can read you like a book, she knows she has control over you and therefore she knows she can get away with all this RAGE.

      A BPD would never try to rage at me because she already knows that it would backfire and only cause her to lose me. This is what you need to work on.

      • Person says

        Yeah, I get what you mean, I need to work on that. In the case of my particular ex though, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have tolerated me telling her to f*** off haha. I know this probably works with most girls but I swear she would have said “I can’t believe you just said that to me” and gotten even more mad. But maybe that’s expected and you just need to walk away and she’ll beg for you back?

        Actually, she pissed me off and I called her an a**hole and that was what prompted the breakup. We were talking over text and she immediately broke up with me. She may have already had me painted black by then though, I don’t know. I had stood my ground before, but that was the first time I responded that way.

  6. Frankythehotdog says

    This is actually pretty accurate. I suffer the same with my boyfriend. I also appreciate the fact that you know that women arent money hungry whores like so many other men stereotype them as! Great article!

  7. Sarah Anne says

    I am a BDP woman and I have unfortunately pushed my partner to far and self sabotaged my relationship. I feel like he had some minor BDP traits too but he has finally left me. I never thought it would happen and didn’t take it seriously and now it has happened, I am devastated. I am seeking help through therapy and trying to fix my abusive behaviours. I feel into a trap of breaking him down slowly over time and then saying I would change when he stood up to me. Everything you have said is exactly correct and I miss him so much. I improved my behaviour so much from my relationship before this one but I guess I feel into my learned habits again and I feel so bad :(

    • Rick says

      Sorry to hear about that :( We all have our own bad habits and issues so believe me when I say that you’re not alone in this struggle. We must always be constantly aware of our bad habits so that we can learn to resist falling into them :)

  8. mickey says

    Hi all pritty much new to all this but recently my girl being distant just like she try a test me were not arguing or out like that witch is really weired compaired to other relationships i have had.
    I wanna try sort things out if not gonna lose her n I ant no family or friends to turn to probs why im lookin through shite on the net il end up on a smashed up mission 2mayhem.
    Looking 4any advice chuck the book at me

  9. Jeff says

    I had been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. Idk if she’s bpd or not but I do know about a month ago she started acting different. She was miserable every time we were together. Now yes we did rush things, she literally told me she loved me and to never leave her which should of been red flag number 1. We were spending every night together at her place which was in hindsight not a good idea. Well she had her nursing clinicals one weekend and i was off work. I took care of her dogs cleaned her house washed and put away dishes, not because i felt obligated but because i wanted to and i can’t just sit around and do nothing. Well I had picked my little brother up to spend time with him and we had to swing by her house and get something. While we were there i let the dogs out to use bathroom and he was running around with them and i took pictures. I posted those pics on Facebook and that was all it took for her to flip out! She told me to “get the fuck out” and “I think we need some time apart”. Her parents and children were awkwardly walking through the door when all this went down. I asked her stepfather if this is something that happends a lot and he said “dude she does this to everybody, she’ll push you away, belittle you and make you as miserable as her”. So i leave and go watch the Steelers game, i am posting about the game on Facebook she sees it and starts bombarding me with text messages about how i don’t care about our relationship and things like that. I agree to come over after work and talk. Of course when i got there she said “it’s midnight and I’m not talking” so we go to bed. That whole week we were barely speaking and on Halloween night she texted me “I’m deleting your number you don’t talk to me good luck with everything” then said “I texted you the other night and you didn’t bother to respond” which was a lie because I did respond an hour later. I told her i was working on my car with my cousin which i was. In a nutshell i basically told her to stop with the mind games either you want to be together or you don’t. 45 minutes later she said she was sick and might need to go to er. Which sounded like bs but i went up there and stayed with her anyway. I tried to see her the next night, I asked her if i could she said idk. I tried again that Monday she said her boys were staying over which before was not a problem however I under any circumstances would never ask anyone to me before their children period. So i told her to tell them i said hello. She said she would and we haven’t spoke since. After what her stepfather told me I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. It then became hard to trust her, she was blaming all of this on me telling me i needed to fix it but i didn’t know what to fix. I stopped texting her she hasn’t bothered to contact me, it’s been a month now and idk if i handled this right. Everyone (friends family etc.) Told me the best thing for me was to get away before it got worse but i don’t know if i made the right decision.

    • Rick says

      It’s all a learning experience. Basically you lost the game with this one. Understand that there’s really nothing for you to ‘fix’ ever. This is just a shit test that women give to test you. You failed that by thinking you need to fix anything. If a girl tells me to fix things, I’d simply say ‘Nah I won’t fix anything, I like it how it is.’ So yeah this is just a typical case of not playing the game right. It’s a good learning experience. You’re WAY too dependent on her reactions to what she says which then makes you needy and reactive yourself, all very unattractive to females. This is why you lost her. You’re also very logical with her which is unattractive as well.

      I would also suggest to ignore advice from family/friends UNLESS they are guys that are actually dating high quality women. These men actually know what they’re talking about. So ONLY seek advice from these men if you know for a fact that these guys are legit and got these women based on skills. These are the guys you listen to. Ignore everyone else, just say Thanks for the advice and change topic.

  10. Roodi says

    Hello dear community ,

    This is going to be a hugly detailed but not too detailed explainations of what happened to me and I would love to earn help and your oppinions as it seems to go wrong

    I currently am in a difficult situation where exactly this happened to me. (Guide)
    A girl who I know for 6 months right now and met in a Online Game and lives in another country always respected me for who I was and doing my own things/following my own live in first place , she even asked if I am busy and respected me when I seemed a bit absent or responded to her with delays. We always had a very fun time , it used to be like magic between us and her humor combined with mine was just so enjoyable. She has invested a lot in me, built up sexual tension , flirts and tried to get in touch with me like every day and night when she was about to sleep but I just arrived. (Even used to talk sometimes until 7 am).
    One day she left for a 2 months lasting trip to the beach and wanted to see me in person as she liked me a lot … told me she will be sure to have an awesome time with me , convinced me a lot in any way to do so.

    At all the past weeks went terribly wrong , I had this fear to lose her because she got a little bit more absent , had a bad week overall and didn’t interact with me in this week as usually.
    I asked her what’s wrong , she explained it to me and it was reasonable , I cheered her up and everything turned great again. Tho she got into this again and I told her what I’m thinking about this … That I would like to spend more time with her again since she seemed to do it more with her friends (who she sometimes dropped to be with me). Of course sometimes you need time for yourself so I gave it to her , but she was still distant to be. Suddenly I met a new friend of her (didn’t know it’s just a friend for 1 year already by this times) who I thought she is into because they spent more time together than we did. The mistake I’ve done : I used to be jealous and showed it to her … I even asked if she sees more than a friend in him but she didn’t answer , so I assumed : No answer -> is an answer that means yes. Big mistake I know.

    The huge mistakes I’ve done after that were changing myself into the guy Rick mentioned above (worried , doubts , confusion appears , …) so I changed my behavior. Totally not myself anymore because I used to be feared to lose her to this guy and I pushed her a bit aswell to meet up , chased for her attention and thought about her mind all day.

    At all we met us some day I spontaneously flew to her hometown after friends recommended me to do so because we could never set really plans and I wanted to convince her and show her she has not to be feared that I am not interested in her enough and will drop her like her 2 ex boyfriends who lived on distance. (The mentioned pushing that we finally meet up after she invited me several times in summer but it unfortunatelly didn’t work out and we used to be disappointed , she started to get doubts and back into her bad experience with Ex boyfriends). So she wanted to be friends for a while , not to lose because she loved my company. Her Exes dropped her also as a friend after break up and don’t talk anymore. So before she regrets it (her words) she wants it to be like this and see where it goes , let it run by itself.

    I tried to convince her that I am not like them , she was pretty sure that I am different but still had her doubts and the anxiety for a relationship. I pushed her kinda often and told her to have an easy meeting for a few weeks to see how it goes. We finally met after she had some excuses not to. She decided at all to give me a chance and meet me up in person. Because I haven’t been myself and still had all those doubts , thoughts and worries it used not to be as it should have been.

    Right in the beginning it started great , I leaded her to a restaurant since I was hungry and she got us to a romantic Cafe. I turned a bit attached , clingy and played with her hair every here and than , touched her legs when she told me about her new leggings , put my hand on her back as we took walks (after she said it’s cold too) but she walked in a faster speed and so I did. Suddenly I stopped and she got back after a while too. It was a pushing and pulling. She liked it but not for too long , it felt like I chased her. We took pictures before we left where we kissed us on cheeks and she suddenly hugged me very tightly before the tram arrived.

    She was still surrounded by my arm as the was about to enter but turned around again to set for a goodbye kiss which ended up on cheeks. She asked me whether she can upload those pics of us and I agreed. Description : good times , good friends. She told me she had a good time afterwards and really would like to stay friends. 2nd meeting was not that great as we had a talk about us both again and she got upset/annoyed, told me “she likes someone else” and does not want me which ended up that she deleted the pictures because I did not see her only as a friend. I met her with a friend but she used to be very cold and distant, didn’t look into my eyes either but I teased her about her behavior and just had fun with the friend doing this. It worked out and she I made her laugh kinda often, but she talked more to our friend than to me. We went to a bar and I turned as in meeting 1 again , touched her often even tho she put her bag inbetween us and moved slightly away. Later on the friend left and she had to leave “suddenly” too. We met us a 3rd time in a mall , we met us somewhere else and went there together. It was fun in the beginning , she tried to walk away but I didn’t care in a fun way and she tried to grab my arm , giggling and telling us to go. At the mall we took a walk around and she moved to a cafe. I asked here where she would go and went there together. I chose a place to sit ,teased her , dranked a few times of her coffee (each time she laughed) , played games as teenies like fighting with thumbs , holding her hands when she tried on purpose to grab for her phone , talked about her childhood made fun of her … At all we had a great time and I made her laugh kinda often. But after a while it went different as I tried to touch her more too often and was about to get closer. We took a last walk in the mall , she was about to show me something , she used to be the leader again and moved infront of me , on rolling stairs she went a few steps infront of me aswell. At a point I leaded us to a store because I was looking for myself ear rings.

    I asked her to watch a movie in the cinema but she had to leave to meet with a girlfriend. I “offered” her to join me and my friends later for a bar or club and she would let me know later if she joins. In the tram we took a picture together after I asked to but she was not so excited. In the end after I brought her to smile again I tried to go in for a goodbye kiss (fast) which ended up on her cheek. (Yes , I know how to act usually) We didn’t meet this day again.
    1 week later we met us again after my friend invited her to a birthday party (which was mine aswell) of another guy. She didn’t know I will be there too. So we met us there , welcomed her and I talked to my friends but also other people. When I tried to talk to her for a while friends grabbed me away to play games together (So I won’t show her my attention all the times they tried to help). It worked at first when I spent time with a friend and 2 other girls , she got interested in talking to me and so we did.

    Tho I talked to her almost the whole party , left here and there to talk to other guys who crossed our way but only for short moments. I invested more in the conversations to keep them rolling than her … Made her laugh , brought her a beer after I disappeared for a while and enjoyed the time tho , we had a bit body contact , told me about her week , the new dress she had but as I showed her a more attention she got a bit distant again. It felt like she had the “lead”. A drunken friend pushed us together at some point and forced us to dance with his violence (rub her hips against mine) which was totally stupid and made her feel uncomfortable and leave. Before she did he talked to her about me , why she is acting like this for a few weeks towards me , behaving as that , …
    A couple of minutes later she left but I stopped her on the streets and talked to her, asked her at first what’s wrong and why she changed like this. We basically had the same talk as we had before the 2nd meeting ( Likes someone else, can’t and doesn’t want to be my girlfriend , ->changed her mind <- (surely because I did in the past weeks)). I explained her why I showed up here at all again , to be here for her , to convince her that I would not see her only every few months and get bored of distance like her Ex boyfriends and minor her fear about it

    But she gave only the same answers and tried to set the whole thing as : She wanted to see me as friends only , tho we never have been friends. Friends are not flirting this heavily as we did , don't have this sexual tension and minds and we showed it. Her answer to this : Well okay , but this was a while ago. Before we started to "fight" and I turned into the jealous , worried and all above mentioned things guy who changed himself because of that it used to be a very great time for 6 months between us , in 4-5 weeks it just changed because of my behavior. Later on she left when I was thinking.

    1 week later there was another party , I asked the friend again to invite her and I wanted to show her my real , own character , attitude and behavior … I finally tried to drop this different guy of myself. To show her , why she liked and fell in love with me in first place , why she invited me to meet her finally … The masculin , fun and "leading" guy who made her feel awesome.
    But she knew I would be there too and didn't respond to the friend and also not show up.
    2 days after the party she suddenly contacted me after 9 days since the last party and asked me online : Where are you?
    I met her in the game where she asked me to get on Facebook to talk to her , she wants to talk to me and a bunch of minutes later I joined it. Alright , I showed up and she asked me out as : How are you ? How is your study going ? Where are you currently ? I answered her casually but short , she was friendly and curious. Later on I told her that I am free and which made her wonder what I will do in my free time. I told her that I am still in her hometown (she thought I left 1 week ago since I told her I would and was kinda surprised/shocked)
    She asked me why and I told her I enjoyed the company of a lots of new friends , people and city here. It made her glad that I have a fun time here but I should go back to my country.
    Later on she asked me if I have been on the party , I didn't properly answer her to this because I knew that she wanted to know if her thoughts that I would be there were right.
    She asked me again , after 40 minutes she asked me if I decided to stay longer because of her.
    After 2 hours I got back and gave her a honest answer (shortcut) : Yes I used to be longer each time I told her I will leave soon for her , but since she acted like this, tried to push me and changed her behavior in the last week I decided to stay longer for all the experience , people and friends here … to have a good time before I will get back. It was yesterday and she saw my message , tho didn't answer yet.

    I'm sorry for this very long and kinda detailed description again but I had to get rid of all this thoughts and would like everyone and Rick who hopefully was patient enough and read it until the end what actually happened.

    My big questions at all :
    – Can I show her in any way my real self again , the guy who she liked and fell in love with ?
    – What can I do now to do so ?
    – If someone did not act and behave as you should (Leading , Masculin , and all other in the Guide mentioned ways) for a long time even tho he has been for most of the duration, is there a chance to turn things around and be that again ? To show and make the woman feel like this again ?
    -How could that work ?

    I don't want to get too much into here since I already did hehe so I would love to hear a response any time soon if possible. It feels like I am caved and a bit helpless.

    Thanks in advance

  11. Zman says

    I have an ex girlfriend who I think has BPD (though not sure). She is actually the mother of my daughter and we were set to get married a couple of months ago, but I caught her talking to another guy in a flirty way and found out she was going to get drugs from him. She has done this to me a couple of times before and i have always gave her the boot (like i did this time) but she will constantly call crying wanting me back and start totally loosing it. I eventually give in and let her come back and everything will be good again for a year or so until she does it again. This time she vowed to get help and has been going to recovery groups but i have remained strong about he getting help before i let her back in. We haved stayed in constant contact and i have been nice to her letting her stay at my house to hangout (never overnight). We have even had sex a couple of times, but out of nowhere she starts getting distant from me and stops telling me she misses me and loves me and all that. Now all of a sudden I am not so strong. lol. I have ripped her a couple of times for being cold hearted but i have also told her i want to work this out so we can have a family that our Daughter can grow up in. She always lies about everything so i can’t tell if she has cheated. I would like to work it out for our daughter and hopefully getting help makes her look at herself and why she does this all the time. But i am a little confused about how to act. I have told her I am done with her, but she will continue to contact me through text just not as frequent as she used to and not ever talking about our relationship like she had the prior month or so. She’s hard to read. I can’t tell if i should tell her to leave me alone and ignore her or what. She is super smoking hot but she is crazy as hell. it’s almost not worth it but i do love her.

    She is the type of girl that will do what everyone else wants her to do just because she puts everyone before herself. But she also is selfish and does whatever she wants to do regardless if it hurts anyone. It’s like she is the sweetest person on earth and super kind but she’s jacked up in the head becasue she doesn’t know what she wants

    • Rick says

      Yeah man it’s tough especially with the kid involved. The right move in this case is to stop getting logical with her – stop telling her you’re done with her. Stop telling her you love her. Stop expecting to hear that from her. Stop giving her the boot. ONLY do these things if you really intend to never see her again. But you have a kid. So you can’t. My honest advice is to just treat her like a kid and be aloof with her. You have a daughter so she needs to grow up thinking you and mommy are good friends and love each other. That’s my advice. Stop causing any drama. Either end things for good and remain friends, or just live with the fact that she might cheat on you. Don’t make it an issue.

  12. David says

    I would like to discuss my situation in detail. It is pretty complicated. Can you let me know where we can go from here? Thank you.

  13. Phil says

    Hello Rick ,

    I’ve got a complicated situation there with a girl who lives in another country to this topic.
    We met us randomly in a Online in a Video Game this year Summer and started to like us.
    She liked me so much that she was chasing me and initiating the contact most of the time I was never needy , instead funny and mysterious.

    One day she left for vacations that lasted 2 months she invited me to see her near her hometown but we haven’t seen us in the summer. Of course we were disapointed and she thought I would never see her , tho I made it out that we will meet in her hometown soon so we continued contacting as we did.
    Unfortunately she earned bad memories of her ex boyfriends back who lived on distance too and it didn’t workout with (1 hour away from her) and told me about her fears of getting hurt and being dropped again but also of losing me out of her life if it doesn’t work out with a relationship between us so she wanted to be friends at first and see how it continues between us since she likes me a lot.

    She knew I am not as her ex boyfriends , I conviced her to continue as we did and finally go for a meeting. We tried to set some meeting but could not see us for a long time , she wasn’t sure about her schedule or got scared again as soon as we tried to get serious with meetings again , tried to be friends instead even when she wanted to meet me in person so badly and see how it runs between us and mentioned I am boyfriend material.

    After few months , she turned colder and more distant. Of course I wondered why and contacted her more often. She explained me that she simply had a bad week , I cheered her up as I always did and it runned normally again. Tho it kept jumping like this and I started to chase her , being needy which was a huge mistake as I figured out and read in your topic here.
    I even turned jealous to a guy who is simply her friend but she spent a good amount of time with, asked her if she sees more than a friend on him. I didn’t get a reply to this of course.

    We tried to set a meeting for Christmas, it was 2 months in October before it would happen.
    She couldn’t plan so early and I pushed her a little bit to try to. It didn’t work.
    Finally I decided to go for a spontaneously meeting , to make it easier to her because I know her university schedule which she sent me by her own one day. I did a move but she was not so happy about it because I did not set a plan with her.

    We still talked about it the next day , I talked about flirty and funny things as we always did but she told me we will meet but as friends only, that she does not want to be my gf and likes someone else. For me it seems like she is still fullfilled with anxiety , of course I acted a little bit needy , a bit pushyand insecure too when she turned cold but the bigger reason to me was the fear of getting hurt again.

    After 3 days of trying to meet I threw the ball to her to set a meeting for us. It worked and we finally met. 2 times alone , 1 time on the party and 1 time with a friend. Each time went okay in the start , we had fun together, I made her laugh often and long. As soon as we got closer and she tried to back off a little bit , came back again. It was jumping between pushing and pulling. I felt hear fear again. I tried to be nice but didn’t flirt with her so much , I acted differently than I usually did (Mysterious, teasing , cocky and funny , being a challenge) are the things I love to do and she loved too. No I didn’t try to copy another behavior and yes this are some PuA words . And I think she noticed I was different too.

    Before the 2nd and last meeting at the party she told me again that she does not want me , likes someone else and changed her mind. After 9 days of no contact she contacted me on Facebook , got curious if I am still around , If I have been to another party 2 days before she contacted me and how I am doing. I told her that I am still around because I enjoy the company of friends and all the new people and experiences. She was glad to hear that but was about to say that she thinks I should leave soon.

    Her last question to me was If I decided to stay longer in her hometown for her. I gave her an honest answer : Yes I did at first but since you tried to push me away , behaved differently in the past weeks and acted this way I chose to stay around for a while for the fun here.
    She did not reply to this message for 2 weeks now and we haven’t seen each other for 3 weeks.

    What do you think Rick ? She was
    Can I try to go for another shot ? Was my last message so wrong that she doesn’t reply ? What could I do now ? I am afraid there is really another guy she has a crush on and each day I do nothing I might lose her more.

    • Rick says

      Yeah sorry man she just isn’t into you, she’s just being your typical gamer girl stringing guys along. Gamer girls are no different from normal girls when it comes to dating. You still got to play by the same rules. These girls have soooo many gamer guys constantly wanting them, giving things to them in games, trying to play with them – it’s the ultimate form of loser in my eye. She’s basically a queen online instead of in real life. So she goes here for all her validation.

      Gamers think that just because you and her play games, you guys should date! You have so much in common! Well, the reality is that being a gamer isn’t cool, it isn’t sexy, it isn’t attractive at all. I like games but I keep this part private from my love life UNLESS the girl likes games as well. I don’t need to talk about gaming because I’m doing so many other things that are interesting. If she mentions she’s a gamer, then I might say “Well of course games are fun” or something of that nature.

      99% of gamer guys fall into the trap, kiss her ass and think they can have a shot. It’s a dream to be with these gamer girls for these guys. But the gamer girl doesn’t actually want a gamer guy UNLESS he has a cool lifestyle and ecosystem OUTSIDE of video games (which 99% don’t like I said). This is why most gamer girls that are attractive don’t have gamer boyfriends, lol. They go for the guys that have awesome things going on outside of the computer.

      So when you come along and are trying so hard to get her to see you, she wants nothing to do with it because you’re now no different from all those other guys online wanting her – hundreds and hundreds of guys. Maybe thousands. So believe me, you’re not the first guy that’s tried to go to her town and meet her. She’s probably had dozens of guys do this.

      In the end, she’s still going to date a guy that follows the correct rules. He’ll most likely not be a gamer at all. It doesn’t matter how good you are at PUA stuff, girls aren’t going to go for a gamer guy unless he actually has an awesome lifestyle and ecosystem to back it up. 99% of gamers don’t have this, thus why they fail with women and turn to PUA material (which only works on low quality, drunk women). All you have to do is look at the professional gamers, the BEST of the BEST. 90% of these guys are virgins and the other 10% have girlfriends that are either ugly or just nobodies in general lol. That CLEARLY shows you how unattractive being a big gamer actually is.

      By you chasing her so hard, she KNOWS that she owns you, that you aren’t cool, that you have no lifestyle outside of games. And if you try to prove to her otherwise, you’ll fail even more and she’ll think you’re an even bigger loser.

      Anyway that’s my 2 cents on this. Dating women you meet thru games is tough. The best way to do it is to be friends but don’t chase. Let them come to you. I could do it but it would be interesting.

  14. Phil says

    Hmm. I think I mentioned maybe something wrong. Not trying to make it sound better nor want to sound upset. Please no , I am not !
    She is not that attractive to other guys and as far as I got known to get in this 6 months a shy and not for attention seeking girl nor mentions she is a girl just to get some. Currently she is not gaming at all and has other things going on (Talking with her friends).
    I’m not a typical gamer who sits infront of the computer all day and has nothing to going on his life. Actually I was always busy with something going on. In the summer I moved to another city to start an education , had a job running and was of course looking for a flat. So I didn’t have too much time to see her at the beach where she had no internet but mobile phone at all.
    She fought for me to finally meet in person and see how it goes between her and me , invested a lot , initiated talks by herself with me … She was on vacations and it would have been an easy time to get known to each other but unfortunatelly I didn’t show up.
    I had time for a few weeks , but I was also busy with my own things going on.

    Maybe she just wanted to have a romance for now , see how it runs between us as she mentioned the whole time , dropped other guys she told me and I knew of for me , even her friends were not the first priority.

    Mentioning that I am not interested enough of, having nothing going on in my life or she was not totally into me (it was pretty obvious she was) is so correct. She was very curious about my life, about me , trying to ask me out and told me about her life , feelings , her dreams , exceptions of relationships and her partner, she really wants to meet me see how it goes and a lot more. She gave me more than enough pretty obvious signs , behaviours and actions that she was really into me , I know how women and girls are if they really like someone.

    Even when we finally met us she was looking at me with this special stare , trying to get my stare and attention all the times. The problem here : I didn’t really do a move and kiss her even tho it was pretty obvious she wanted to. (A long hug before she left with slight moanings inbetween)

    Overall I don’t want to blame myself but I did not do a move earlier , she was disappointed when I didn’t show up in the summer , thought I would never see her and things seemed to be harder as we both had to continue with our normal lives. (We both study) So it wouldn’t be so easy at all to set meeting and she wanted to stay friends in order not get heartbroken again , being dropped like her ex boyfriends did because they got tired of distance even when it was just 1 hours away from her and not to lose me out of her life if it doesn’t work between us since she likes me a lot.
    (Of course living in another countries is a huger distance but hey, If I showed up early enough before I turned into this needy, insecure behaviours and we liked each others that much … Who knows if we wouldn’t move one day together ?)

    We still continued after I shared her my thoughts about it and she was sure by herself I am different than them, still fullfilled by her fears.

    After a couple of months as mentioned above it pushed her for a meeting , but doing plans for 2 months ahead was too far. I wasn’t patient enough. It wasn’t the worst part as we continued in a good mood. She worst part was when I used to be insecure , acted needy and jealous to a simple friend who I didn’t know of this times. Totally wrong yes.

    I mentioned the story quite a bit above. Today I asked her after 2 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks after we haven’t seen each other out for a coffee and tell her goodbye in person since I am still around , but I have to leave in 4 days.
    She told me she is sure if she can make it. I know she doesn’t seem so interested because of my behaviour in the past weeks and that I didn’t finally do a move by taking actions such as kissing her and more.

    Hell yea I know what I did wrong , but is there really no way I could turn the tables one day and show her , I grew by myself , worked on the needy behaviour and show her the confident , funny guy who she was into for the whole time.

    I don’t want to force and can’t her to love me. No , I just want to show her why she liked me so much ,wanted to be with me and make her remember the good times we had.

    She was fullfilled with bad memories and fears

  15. Phil says

    And yes , I noticed as soon as I didn’t push or chase her she felt released ,came back by her own and was got interested again.
    She wanted to keep it was special friends after the summer to see where it leads us to , meet me in person and we’ll see.

  16. ox says

    you gave a lot of really good advice.. So now Im left with the question of do I stay or do I go? We have 2 boys involved… Ive lost my masculinity and slowly getting it back.. I would hate to leave knowing that Im not what I used to be, which in my opinion, would make her right.. Im on the road to redemption but its tough… She tells me to leave and threatens me with child support… But will give her all to me…. Last night we hit a new low in arguing…. I just dont know if shes worth it? If I am a genuine loser and need to date down? If the next relationship would have a similar outcome down the line, which in most cases, yes… I guess I want us to be how we were when we first started or is this blissful thinking?

    • Rick says

      It’s blissful thinking. My advice is to do what you want FOR YOU and for your children. Just let your wife go do your thing for now. If she puts you down tell her to take a chill pill for a bit lol. Don’t bother trying to reason with her, it won’t work. Spend some time developing your own life outside of your family and you’ll be on the way back up.

  17. ox says

    Also thanks for being a ear that listens.. Im going thru a tough time right now and dont feel too comfortable talking to friends…

  18. Ricky says

    I have the problem… For years I hear from women I grow up around to be a sensitive caring guy… Im 29 now and realise its complete bs…i always get burned, cheated on and given up on… I dont get what you mean by masculine energy… Im not a push over but I am a laid back person, I get punished for that??? Im about ready to give up and say screw it… Its like a game… When this chick leaves me im done.

    • Rick says

      Ricky, I used to have the same problem, believe me. The biggest thing I lacked was leadership. It’s simply being the guy that will take the reins, do what he wants and won’t follow the crowd of other guys. Simply listening to what women told you growing up is a lack of leadership in the big picture. You’re basing your beliefs off of what people told you instead of discovering the truth on your own. I’m not faulting you at all here, I’m just hoping you’ll see the big picture here. Women want men that lead and go after what they want. You can be the nicest, most laid back guy in the world, but if you lack this leadership trait, you’ll do very poorly with just average women and have zero chance with above average/higher quality women. Obviously this is a major topic that I teach.

  19. denise says

    Highly emotional people seem fun exciting but are not. There is an illusion and unhealthiness about it for both sides. Highly emotional usually is that they are mentally unstable from whatever reason, you can’t fix. Adjust, or change it. Ask yourself why your there enduring it really. Why we would even think that was exciting and a normal person not.

    • Rick says

      I fixed the typo :) But yes this is why when something seems ‘to good to be true’, it usually is. You can’t be wearing your heart on your sleeve. You need to let things develop over time because time always reveals the truth about someone. There are plenty of exciting, normal people out there so just got to be patient and look for those.

  20. Mike says

    Everything you say is spot on. Been dating my girl for 3 months. Started out great. Both of us haven’t been in a relationship in a while. Her schedule is very Demanding though and I feel I over compisated with always giving in to her schedule and her time. But felt it was the only way to see her. I made myself way to available which I found through reading is a turn off for her. The normal texting stopped and time spent together dropped. We still talk but, now go a day or two in between. Haven’t seen her in a week. She also has a lot going on at home. At this point should I just break it off because I’m really tired of the will she/won’t she call and trying to make plans, or feeling like I have to respond back. I really care about her but it just may be easier to let go.

    • Rick says

      As I outlined in Detox, it’s getting harder and harder to date in our society. People are very short-sighted and can bounce from partner to partner to partner. What I’m saying is that the minute she starts feeling bored of the relationship, she can easily find some new guy to entertain her. Now you can’t judge her for this, this is just how things are now. If she posts a picture of her looking cute on instagram, she has 50 guys drooling. So understand that as it’s important. The way you beat is, well, you first realize that the old way of doing things is obsolete and you learn all the new stuff I’m teaching here on my blog :)

      • Mike says

        I guess I’m torn over giving her the space she needs. But going days without speaking is getting nowhere. They say communication is key. I’d like to talk things out and mutually decide if this is something we can work through or not. Which is my instinct to do but also seems like the worst thing to do because it will push her away further and Make me look more needy. She cares for me but feels bad that she can’t be there for me as much as she feels I deserve. So she’s falling back into her shell. I just hate the not knowing. But aging the push/pull game is frustrating and seems like a waste of time.

        • Rick says

          Well, communication is much more than just words. I don’t even pay attention to words because I know that they hold no weight. So you sitting down and trying to figure things out with a conversation will make things worse like you assume. And you don’t know if she’s falling back into her shell. She could be dating other men for all you know. Not knowing is part of the game. You’re not god so you’ll never know everything. Don’t try to know everything. Worry about yourself bro. Let her do her thing. If she wants you, she’ll let you know. Most of the time these women don’t know what they want. So you gotta let them go do their thing and figure that out while you work on doing your own thing.

          • says

            Right on man. After reading your material I realized I was way to focused on her than myself. Lost control of my emotions and became someone I’m not. And focusing on myself and doing my own thing has helped me get over a lot of the bad feelings. Also made everything clear as day as what I need to do going forward. I’ve come to accept if it’s meant to be it will. If not I will move on and be fine because life goes on. There are plenty of women out there and I will be better prepared for the next one if so. Thanks for the very helpful info Rick.

          • Rick says

            No prob man. If she texts you and just tries to have simple convo, then yeah just be nice. You can be like ‘Hey that’s great you’re doing your own thing :)’ all nice like that lol. It’ll throw her off big time ;)

  21. William says

    Hi Rick!

    Ill try write as short as possible,

    I’ve been together with a woman now for 2 years (long distance relationship) and she everyday wanted attention as in spamming my phone, we used to talk every day about all day on the phone etc.

    One night a few weeks ago everything changed, it was kind of like she had been manipulated by someone close by like her mother, prev day she was loving and happy just like normal, then the big boom came, she called me shouting that i about wasnt enough for her but call ended up good.

    i was unemployed and yet in uni for another year.

    Next days i was looking for job and got jackpot n it just didnt seem like she was even happy for me.

    Then i did some crap moves in trying to do alot alot of things to show i have/had the will to make it better for both of us.

    She always claim to be busy with things and of course i respect that but she doesnt have a minute to write good morning or barely good night alot of days.

    Weeks of me waiting and her playing games on me, we finally spoke on phone again, i tried calling her before this but she just let it ring.

    It ended up with a long discussion and she ended up breaking up with me and some very rude things and i said quiet some things but nothing harsh.

    later that night she calls me back saying sorry and that she thought about what i said and we had a nicer conversation and i asked about trying again and she said she would think about it because she had alot going on in her life atm.

    Upcoming days shes just writing very very short and cold, i got her to text me back and she asked if i still loved her and then we called on the phone n she was sounding sooo sad, i told her i do still love her and that i miss her alot, she says the same to me and we both agreed to try again and everything would just go back to normal but it didnt sound like she was do positive about it , more like ” future will tell”.

    But only thing is there is no change, she barely writes anything to me n she says shes busy chatting with friends on the phone, i mean barely giving me a minute of her day all of a sudden since that day of her shouting n keep coming up with excuses of not talking.

    Other day she asked for my help with something and i helped out, she hasnt barely said a word ever since.

    And i should mention i am that kind of caring and bit more sensitive guy which worked fine until that day of shoutingness from her.

    I came up with an idea of seeing each other more often and all.

    is it just a better idea to let her text me n show that she actually wants this too? Im kinda clueless what to do in this seat more than being a man.

    Today she’s still being so quiet n even cold , not writing anything even good morning or good night or i love you, i just always have to write it first and before it was totally different story.

    She was very jealous of a friend of mine since i was young and idk if thats still in the drama but i tried over n over saying she is safe.

    And when we spoke about future she changed her plans ALOT after she started getting distant and i basically said i would adjust to it.

    Could really use some advice

    Thanks Rick!

    • Rick says

      I deleted my old comment because it’s just really hard for me to coach for this. You’re talking about a long distance relationship here. These relationship don’t work 99% of the time. So to me it doesn’t make sense why you’re limiting yourself to this one girl that lives far away. Why ignore the women around you in your city? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m all for having friends and knowing women all around the world, but I don’t commit to them. That just doesn’t make sense. Your girl is distant because she’s seeing and hooking up with guys in her city. You can say I’m wrong all you want but I’ll bet $10,000 right now that she’s dating/seeing a man in her city. Why else would she be distant? She only talks to you when she’s bored…

      • William says

        Hi again!

        You see we´ve never had any problems throughout the whole time until just that day that she went crazy all of a sudden. she´s been happy all along until that day but then i tried making things better and show i had the will to make this happen, we planned to move together very soon and just out of the blue just she changed “attitude” due to fact i didnt have work yet.

        She´s gonna visit me soon and i wanna proove myself really hard to change her mind and i want back the good n sweet person in her. im talkin to her abit but she´s yeah very short and all.

        What would her benefits be to go back to being my girlfriend again and why not just skip that part if its totally useless?

        And to answer why to that person, i´am very adventurous and i love the fact of travelling in order to see someone.

        Thanks :)

  22. Patrick says

    What should I do when my girlfriend is acting cold or being rude for no reason? Should I respond by calling her out and telling her I didn’t appreciate it or let it slide and give her space?

    • Rick says

      If she’s really your girlfriend and you two are in a committed relationship, then you should confront her and say ‘Hey, you’ve distant lately, what’s up?’ and if she gives you a cold reply then you say ‘Okay well just figure things out for a bit, let’s just take a break for now’ and then you go radio silent on her if she’s still not opening up to you. The idea is to just let her know that you’re there for her, but if she still won’t open up, DON’T PUSH. This is where most guys screw up. Just take a break and let her be. Often times just giving your girl space to figure things out is the best medicine.

  23. Jay says

    Ive been dating my girlfriend for more than 2 years now and she has always been open about the fact that she struggles with expressing herself emotionally and reaching out to me for affection. Of course we have talked about it and i’ve accepted it and I’m always willing to be patient with her. For the last two years, I have almost always had to be the one to reach out to her for emotional action (going to grab her hand instead of her grabbing mine, likewise with kissing, and even texting throughout the day. I usually go to her). The past couple weeks Ive noticed shes been acting cold and distant and being rude about things for no reason. After thinking about what it could be I talked to her one night about it and she got upset and frustrated with herself because she thought she was doing better with her emotional issues. We talked about it and it didn’t really end well. She was frustrated and mad even though my approach was kind and understanding. I would never come to her angry or demand anything from her. Its been about a week since then but i have noticed no change in her behavior. Shes still being cold and distant and rude to me for no reason. Shes barely talking even when I try to start a normal conversation with her. Any suggestions?

    • Rick says

      Yeah you just need to let her be to herself. This goes back to some very old advice I learned in like 1999 lol and it’s that you got to give her the gift of missing you. If she’s being distant and cold, this doesn’t mean you should be pushy and figure out what’s wrong. Just let her do her thing, give her all the space in the world and let her miss you.

  24. Greg Dean says

    Can you please help me? I am recently divorced and ended up with a 41 year old never married women. We spent 5 weekends together and I was falling in love with her. I thought she also had the same feelings.

    Turns out this scared her and all she could say was we went from 1 to 100 very quickly. This scared her and really only said that her core is not this. She didn’t say much more than that. She lives 3 hours away and we have not seen each other since the discussion. we are both very ambitious and busy.

    How can I get her to come back to me. I just think she is awesome and makes me very happy. 41 and not married might be the reason for her reaction but I try not to think of this.

    • Rick says

      5 weeks is way too early to think that you’re in love. She might have her own issues as well, but you gotta be patient man. Learn to take things slower. It’s funny she said 1 to 100 because I use that phrase all the time lol I’ll tell a client that they went 0 to 100 super fast lol. You always want to be around 50 if that makes sense and at most, 80.

      • Greg Dean says

        So Rick, thank you for your response. Should I try to keep the communication going or should I just cut ties. She seems the one that might just be looking for the person that is not responsive, etc. (The chase)?? I have had several friends caution me since she is 41 and not married. That doesn’t bother me at all. 5 weeks is not enough but all I did was express my feelings (that’s me) and she just turned. I care for her deeply and don’t want to give up, so what would you recommend?

  25. Vic says

    Hi Rick,

    I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my current situation.

    About 6 months ago I started working at this place. At first, this was supposed to be temporary for me. I thought I was gonna work there for a month max and then leave. But then I met a girl who works there. I’ve really fallen for her. After a few weeks, we’ve gotten close. I found out that she lives very close to me and I started picking her up every morning, so we could drive to work together.

    A few weeks after that, I started attending the same college as her. We had same class. We would sit together, do all the group activities and projects together. She would even do homework for me from time to time when I didn’t have time to do it. We would also text each other during work every day. It was very enjoyable for both of us. We weren’t considered boyfriend and girlfriend, but even our coworkers and classmates could tell how strong our attraction was toward each other.

    Now one thing I didn’t mention is that we had almost no contact during our days off. Maybe only during holidays we would text “Happy holiday” to each other and that was it. She did give me a gift on Christmas, as did I. But it was a short meeting. I also gifted her a cute stuffed animal a day after Valentine’s, which she hugged and seemed to like very much. I guess I was too shy or still had fear from my previous relationship and that’s why I wasn’t calling her on weekends to ask her out, even though I wanted to very much. I didn’t want to move fast.

    About a month ago, I noticed a delay in time it takes her to reply to my texts. I also noticed that during class she would text a lot more than she used to. She would even walk out of the classroom to answer phone calls or type texts. And that’s when some of the classmates started asking her, in a non serious way, if she had a boyfriend. She told them that it was her cousin, but one girl joked about it by saying “oh, so that’s what you call them these days”. It was painful for me to hear.

    That same evening, as I was driving her home, I finally asked her if she had someone. In a confused way she said “well, yes and no, I don’t know”. I asked her if she understood why I was asking her this. Again, in a confused way, she said no, not really. That’s when I told her how I felt about her. She stayed silent for a few seconds, but then she told me that she felt so bad. She told me, in a nervous, fast way that her personality is very difficult and that she was sure that I’ll find someone for myself. I didn’t say anything other than good night after dropping her off home that night.

    Something else I didn’t mention is that she’s 21 years old, just a few years younger than me. And according to her friends, she’s never been in a relationship before. This might also explain her confused behavior.

    Now I’m still picking her up for work, since its on my way and drop her off home after college as usual. But I’ve noticed that I’ve become cold and distant from her.
    I didn’t reply to her text that she sent on the next day after that night. But next day after, she texted me a cute, funny video to which I simply replied “cute”. At college she asked me to come sit next to her so we could the the activity together again. I noticed her trying to make an eye contact with me more now when we speak, even though I seem to avoid it now.

    And that’s it. What would you recommend for me to do now? I know that she has very close friends who are married, older and have more experience than both of us. Could it be that I’m the one who is confused and being played or tried? Should I leave this work and change college or do I still have a chance with her?
    I do love her.

    • Rick says

      Sorry bro you don’t ‘love her’ as you have no idea what love is. Love isn’t picking her up or texting her or buying her gifts or all the other typical nice guy stuff you’re doing. You are in the friendzone and set yourself up for this. Your thoughts, your world probably revolves around her right? I don’t beat around the bush, I tell it as it is. The fact that you’re still picking her up for school is just mind boggling man. You just can’t let her go can you? Anyway, if you want any shot with this girl, you need to work on yourself and learn how to actually attract girls – which is what I teach. So buckle down, spend some time reading my articles and you should begin to see the light. Understand that if the girl isn’t trying to make you her boyfriend, then you’re doing it wrong.

  26. Lou says


    You are the man! I’ve been so blind for so long. I knew I had lost something but hadn’t figured it was my own self respect until I read your articles.

    You’re the best bro!


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