Why Is My Girlfriend Pushing Me Away, Being Distant, Cold?

by Rick on 08/11/2014 · 25 comments

in Awareness,Behavior,Relationships

girlfriend being distant

I have experienced cold and distant women numerous times in my life, and I’m sure you have experienced this as well, especially if you’re dating a girl that happens to have BPD.

And even if you believe that you’re doing everything right in your relationship, it can still happen to you.

Why?

Because sometimes it just doesn’t matter how much you know about women. There could be numerous reasons why she’s pushing you away and being distant, and sometimes she just wants some time to herself and to think. Or maybe she’s testing you.

Either way, it’s important that you don’t make the same, common errors that most men make so you can prevent her going distant as much as possible. Let’s dive in.

The Push/Pull Dynamic

As I mentioned above, emotions play a major role in the life of both men and women. Because women are usually more emotional than men, it’s important that you expect the unexpected.

I believe that it’s very important to control your emotions at all times, especially the emotions and feelings that make you want to react and defend yourself.

Now this doesn’t mean that you become this passive, pushover of an individual. You still need to respect yourself and let your partner know how you feel, but in a state of emotional control.

Most people react in a wrong way when their partner grows cold and distant. They start asking questions, they start doubting themselves, they becomes confused and they begin to worry. Solving this ‘problem’ becomes the focus of your life.

Have you experienced this before? All you can think about is bringing your partner back into blissful love with you.

The Truth About Investment

Are you wondering what I mean by investment? Investment is your time, your energy and your finances/belongings.

Time and energy are the main factors of investment. Finances and belongings really play a minor role when it comes to dating and relationships.

However, most men get this wrong. You think that if you just spend some money, take her on a trip, buy her something fancy, she’ll just come running back into your arms and love you long time. But this just isn’t the case at all.

What a woman truly wants from you before money and everything else is your masculine energy and your important time to be with her.

This is very important: a woman is most happy and full of love when her man has a passion and gives her his masculinity energy.

If this is hard to understand for you, then that’s okay. It is an advanced topic that a lot of men simply don’t learn or hear about anymore. But that’s why I created this website so I can help out men like you and get you to being a great lover, partner and PERSON.

How Do You Invest Yourself In Your Relationship?

I believe that relationships truly should be around a 50/50 dynamic. Sometimes you’ll invest more, and other times your partner will invest more.

If you feel that you’re always investing more than your partner, then you are in an unbalanced relationship and it’s going to become toxic. Your girl is going to pull away and grow distant because she feels too much pressure.

Most women are very feminine and they simply want a masculine man such as yourself to lead her. She wants YOU to take the reins and assume control of the relationship.

Do you find yourself constantly asking your woman what she wants to do, where she wants to go, what she wants to eat, etc? If so, you need to stop asking these types of questions and simply DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

Your girl will respect you for this which is ultimately what you want from people in life. If you recall in my dating a bpd girl article, women want a man that’s going to be stronger than her and lead her.

Why Does Your Girlfriend Push You Away?

The most common factor to a girl pushing you away is when your masculine energies are weak and almost non-existant. You’re not leading, you’re seeking approval/validation from your girlfriend or wife, you’ve simply become non-attractive in her eyes.

Sure, you’ve made it known to her that you love her. You’ve probably told her this over and over again. Yet she continues to grow further and further away from you.

This is because true love for a woman is when her man (you) is full of masculine energy and he’s investing this energy into her.

Why do you think 50 Shades of Gray is such a popular novel? Because the main man is extremely masculine and the girl is extremely feminine. She just loves surrendering herself to him and letting him have his way with her.

It completely fulfills her desires and she can’t help but be in love with him. It’s not because he’s tall or rich or handsome. It’s because his masculine energies have completely fulfilled her feminine needs.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to go out and create your own dungeon, lol. It just simply means that you need to take control of yourself and learn on being truly masculine. I will write more about this topic in the near future.

Note: If you’re interested in me personally helping you, consider joining the exclusive community forum where you can ask me as many questions as you like.

How Does BPD Play a Role In All This?

I have dated multiple women with BPD and emotions definitely play a big role in these relationships.

However, everything I have stated above about being masculine, controlling your emotions and being a great leader are what helps your BPD girlfriend become much more stable.

While all women desire the above traits in a man, a woman with BPD needs her man to have these masculine traits at all times. She will grow tired of you and pull away if you start consistently showing weakness.

It’s definitely okay for you to be vulnerable at times and show your faults. It’s natural and women want you to open up and share your faults.

However, this doesn’t mean that you become an emotional tampon that needs validation and approval. You still must be strong, masculine and the leader that she needs.

Women don’t want to be the leader. While a BPD might seem out of control and a wild stallion, it’s important that you learn to say NO and to do what you want to do. Don’t just go with the flow and chase her around even if it feels normal.

The honeymoon period is very common with these women as they’ll throw all these emotions at you, they’ll call you and text you and ask you to come over, she’ll want to be around you a lot and she’s calling the shots. It’s so easy as a man to just go with the flow. But don’t give in! You must resist the temptation to go with the flow.

You need to call the shots at least 50% of the time! If you fail to take the reins and start doing what you want to do, she is going to lose attraction and grow distant.

Conclusion

If you’ve only dated what most people consider as “normal” women, any girl with high emotions (which I prefer) will control the relationship which leads to a loss of attraction. She’ll go from heavily interested in you to heavily distant the next morning.

A lot of men get lead around by BPD women because the man is never the one leading the relationship. If women were meant to be leaders in life, they would have been leading wars for the last 10,000 years. But that simply isn’t the case.

There isn’t anything wrong with this dynamic. Women simply want to lose themselves in a masculine man like you. This is why I want you to work on developing yourself into a solid leader and to work on your masculinity.

Highly feminine, emotional women are usually very attractive to you, they’re incredibly fun to be with when they’re attracted to you, and they are great in bed. So I understand that you have trouble taking the leadership role when you’re getting these great experiences with your girl.

But she will pull away and grow distant without you knowing it if you continue to just go with the flow and let her lead the way.

Now there are obviously much more information on this subject but I simply can’t lay it all out in one article. If you’re looking for more great information about this stuff, then check out my BPD Relationship Success Program. It is the system, strategies, techniques and more that I use to become great in relationships with all types of women.

So what other ways do you know that help keep women from growing distant? Comment below!

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Terserah May 5, 2012 at 6:57 am

Guys,It’s really not hard to pick up girls. You just need to edcatue yourself and luckily, there’s some sick guides out there.

Reply

Rick May 6, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Yes, it is all about education. But this website isn’t about picking up girls. All of the so-called PUA’s out there are virgins and never get laid. I repeat: pick up artists NEVER get laid. They are laughed at by women. No one wants to sleep with a try-hard and if you’re into PUA material, you are a try-hard.

So guy: avoid PUA material and don’t waste your money! It will NOT help you do better with women. In fact, PUA material will make you much, much worse in the long run because it poisons your mindsets.

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malmn March 7, 2013 at 7:30 am

“How To Date Highly Unstable Women”

Who in their right mind wants to do that?
I went out with an insanely hot chick (I mean really hot) with BPD and I learned that it’s just not worth it.
I got her using all the techniques described on this site.
I kept her for 9 months using all the suggestions and adivce offered here.
It’s still not worth it.
Let these crazy bitches rot and find yourself a normal girl.
You’ll be much better off and much, much happier. :)
Trust me, your internet guardian angel. :)

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Vera hudson June 29, 2014 at 7:51 pm

I happen to be one of these women and its true, this works. Actually.this is why im here because I noticed his behavior change and I knew he was trying something new on me. Lol thanks for the info

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sally fay September 1, 2014 at 9:54 pm

I don’t know what most women want or need but I don’t want a man always trying to take the lead or to take the reigns. Everything in moderation sure it’s nice to have someone to lean but, I don’t want anyone trying to control me or my life. I start distancing myself in a relationship if I feel a man is being too wishy washy or clingy. It’s difficult to feel safe wiith someone that doesn’t seem to have a clue what they want or if you feel they rely on you for their direction in life. That’s just my take on it

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Rick September 2, 2014 at 2:31 pm

Exactly, I never tell men to be clingy, in fact I tell them to be the opposite. So thank you for agreeing with me :)

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Person October 10, 2014 at 12:45 pm

In my case, I really don’t think me “taking control,” “saying no,” etc, was what my ex wanted at all. In fact, almost every time I tried to do one of those things she got mad. She had our entire weekend planned out a week in advance, and if I tried to deviate from her plans in any way she’d rage. Like when my friend from the other side of the country came to visit unexpectedly and I wanted to take her out to meet with them for a night out in the city. Also, since I’m an introvert at times I would tell her that I needed a day to be alone on the weekend and she’d rage then also.

For the 4th of July (a Friday) she was supposed to go away with friends somewhere where I couldn’t go with her (friends place that I didn’t know and wasn’t invited to). I had already told her that I planned to spend the 4th with friends so she knew that in advance. She ended up changing her plans and wanted me to go with her to her dads beach house for the weekend. I told her I’d go after I was done at my friends party on the 4th and be with her for the rest of the weekend. RAGE. Because she wanted me to meet her at her dads beach house a night earlier. I explained that I already made those plans but ended up cancelling and giving in to avoid her wrath. In cases like this I really don’t think standing my ground would have made her love me more.

Are there different types of BPD who this idea doesn’t apply to?

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Rick October 14, 2014 at 12:48 pm

No you’re just incorrect here but you’re free to believe what you want. Women are women whether they have BPD or not. It’s why I’m able to date them so easily. If she would have raged at me, I would have then told her to f*** off. You wouldn’t ever do this though because you fear losing her and she knows this. So she can rage at you all day long. But she wouldn’t rage towards me because she knows I wouldn’t hesitate to dump her. That’s the big difference here bro. You’ve got to work on this attitude. She can read you like a book, she knows she has control over you and therefore she knows she can get away with all this RAGE.

A BPD would never try to rage at me because she already knows that it would backfire and only cause her to lose me. This is what you need to work on.

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Person October 16, 2014 at 12:37 pm

Yeah, I get what you mean, I need to work on that. In the case of my particular ex though, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have tolerated me telling her to f*** off haha. I know this probably works with most girls but I swear she would have said “I can’t believe you just said that to me” and gotten even more mad. But maybe that’s expected and you just need to walk away and she’ll beg for you back?

Actually, she pissed me off and I called her an a**hole and that was what prompted the breakup. We were talking over text and she immediately broke up with me. She may have already had me painted black by then though, I don’t know. I had stood my ground before, but that was the first time I responded that way.

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Frankythehotdog October 26, 2014 at 7:59 pm

This is actually pretty accurate. I suffer the same with my boyfriend. I also appreciate the fact that you know that women arent money hungry whores like so many other men stereotype them as! Great article!

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Sarah Anne October 31, 2014 at 9:27 am

I am a BDP woman and I have unfortunately pushed my partner to far and self sabotaged my relationship. I feel like he had some minor BDP traits too but he has finally left me. I never thought it would happen and didn’t take it seriously and now it has happened, I am devastated. I am seeking help through therapy and trying to fix my abusive behaviours. I feel into a trap of breaking him down slowly over time and then saying I would change when he stood up to me. Everything you have said is exactly correct and I miss him so much. I improved my behaviour so much from my relationship before this one but I guess I feel into my learned habits again and I feel so bad :(

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Rick November 4, 2014 at 4:28 pm

Sorry to hear about that :( We all have our own bad habits and issues so believe me when I say that you’re not alone in this struggle. We must always be constantly aware of our bad habits so that we can learn to resist falling into them :)

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mickey November 6, 2014 at 5:07 am

Hi all pritty much new to all this but recently my girl being distant just like she try a test me were not arguing or out like that witch is really weired compaired to other relationships i have had.
I wanna try sort things out if not gonna lose her n I ant no family or friends to turn to probs why im lookin through shite on the net il end up on a smashed up mission 2mayhem.
Looking 4any advice chuck the book at me

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Rick November 20, 2014 at 5:34 pm

My website is full of advice. And I have books so there’s plenty of advice here :)

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Jeff December 1, 2014 at 7:35 pm

I had been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. Idk if she’s bpd or not but I do know about a month ago she started acting different. She was miserable every time we were together. Now yes we did rush things, she literally told me she loved me and to never leave her which should of been red flag number 1. We were spending every night together at her place which was in hindsight not a good idea. Well she had her nursing clinicals one weekend and i was off work. I took care of her dogs cleaned her house washed and put away dishes, not because i felt obligated but because i wanted to and i can’t just sit around and do nothing. Well I had picked my little brother up to spend time with him and we had to swing by her house and get something. While we were there i let the dogs out to use bathroom and he was running around with them and i took pictures. I posted those pics on Facebook and that was all it took for her to flip out! She told me to “get the fuck out” and “I think we need some time apart”. Her parents and children were awkwardly walking through the door when all this went down. I asked her stepfather if this is something that happends a lot and he said “dude she does this to everybody, she’ll push you away, belittle you and make you as miserable as her”. So i leave and go watch the Steelers game, i am posting about the game on Facebook she sees it and starts bombarding me with text messages about how i don’t care about our relationship and things like that. I agree to come over after work and talk. Of course when i got there she said “it’s midnight and I’m not talking” so we go to bed. That whole week we were barely speaking and on Halloween night she texted me “I’m deleting your number you don’t talk to me good luck with everything” then said “I texted you the other night and you didn’t bother to respond” which was a lie because I did respond an hour later. I told her i was working on my car with my cousin which i was. In a nutshell i basically told her to stop with the mind games either you want to be together or you don’t. 45 minutes later she said she was sick and might need to go to er. Which sounded like bs but i went up there and stayed with her anyway. I tried to see her the next night, I asked her if i could she said idk. I tried again that Monday she said her boys were staying over which before was not a problem however I under any circumstances would never ask anyone to me before their children period. So i told her to tell them i said hello. She said she would and we haven’t spoke since. After what her stepfather told me I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. It then became hard to trust her, she was blaming all of this on me telling me i needed to fix it but i didn’t know what to fix. I stopped texting her she hasn’t bothered to contact me, it’s been a month now and idk if i handled this right. Everyone (friends family etc.) Told me the best thing for me was to get away before it got worse but i don’t know if i made the right decision.

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Rick December 4, 2014 at 1:21 am

It’s all a learning experience. Basically you lost the game with this one. Understand that there’s really nothing for you to ‘fix’ ever. This is just a shit test that women give to test you. You failed that by thinking you need to fix anything. If a girl tells me to fix things, I’d simply say ‘Nah I won’t fix anything, I like it how it is.’ So yeah this is just a typical case of not playing the game right. It’s a good learning experience. You’re WAY too dependent on her reactions to what she says which then makes you needy and reactive yourself, all very unattractive to females. This is why you lost her. You’re also very logical with her which is unattractive as well.

I would also suggest to ignore advice from family/friends UNLESS they are guys that are actually dating high quality women. These men actually know what they’re talking about. So ONLY seek advice from these men if you know for a fact that these guys are legit and got these women based on skills. These are the guys you listen to. Ignore everyone else, just say Thanks for the advice and change topic.

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Roodi December 2, 2014 at 4:20 am

Hello dear community ,

This is going to be a hugly detailed but not too detailed explainations of what happened to me and I would love to earn help and your oppinions as it seems to go wrong

I currently am in a difficult situation where exactly this happened to me. (Guide)
A girl who I know for 6 months right now and met in a Online Game and lives in another country always respected me for who I was and doing my own things/following my own live in first place , she even asked if I am busy and respected me when I seemed a bit absent or responded to her with delays. We always had a very fun time , it used to be like magic between us and her humor combined with mine was just so enjoyable. She has invested a lot in me, built up sexual tension , flirts and tried to get in touch with me like every day and night when she was about to sleep but I just arrived. (Even used to talk sometimes until 7 am).
One day she left for a 2 months lasting trip to the beach and wanted to see me in person as she liked me a lot … told me she will be sure to have an awesome time with me , convinced me a lot in any way to do so.

At all the past weeks went terribly wrong , I had this fear to lose her because she got a little bit more absent , had a bad week overall and didn’t interact with me in this week as usually.
I asked her what’s wrong , she explained it to me and it was reasonable , I cheered her up and everything turned great again. Tho she got into this again and I told her what I’m thinking about this … That I would like to spend more time with her again since she seemed to do it more with her friends (who she sometimes dropped to be with me). Of course sometimes you need time for yourself so I gave it to her , but she was still distant to be. Suddenly I met a new friend of her (didn’t know it’s just a friend for 1 year already by this times) who I thought she is into because they spent more time together than we did. The mistake I’ve done : I used to be jealous and showed it to her … I even asked if she sees more than a friend in him but she didn’t answer , so I assumed : No answer -> is an answer that means yes. Big mistake I know.

The huge mistakes I’ve done after that were changing myself into the guy Rick mentioned above (worried , doubts , confusion appears , …) so I changed my behavior. Totally not myself anymore because I used to be feared to lose her to this guy and I pushed her a bit aswell to meet up , chased for her attention and thought about her mind all day.

At all we met us some day I spontaneously flew to her hometown after friends recommended me to do so because we could never set really plans and I wanted to convince her and show her she has not to be feared that I am not interested in her enough and will drop her like her 2 ex boyfriends who lived on distance. (The mentioned pushing that we finally meet up after she invited me several times in summer but it unfortunatelly didn’t work out and we used to be disappointed , she started to get doubts and back into her bad experience with Ex boyfriends). So she wanted to be friends for a while , not to lose because she loved my company. Her Exes dropped her also as a friend after break up and don’t talk anymore. So before she regrets it (her words) she wants it to be like this and see where it goes , let it run by itself.

I tried to convince her that I am not like them , she was pretty sure that I am different but still had her doubts and the anxiety for a relationship. I pushed her kinda often and told her to have an easy meeting for a few weeks to see how it goes. We finally met after she had some excuses not to. She decided at all to give me a chance and meet me up in person. Because I haven’t been myself and still had all those doubts , thoughts and worries it used not to be as it should have been.

Right in the beginning it started great , I leaded her to a restaurant since I was hungry and she got us to a romantic Cafe. I turned a bit attached , clingy and played with her hair every here and than , touched her legs when she told me about her new leggings , put my hand on her back as we took walks (after she said it’s cold too) but she walked in a faster speed and so I did. Suddenly I stopped and she got back after a while too. It was a pushing and pulling. She liked it but not for too long , it felt like I chased her. We took pictures before we left where we kissed us on cheeks and she suddenly hugged me very tightly before the tram arrived.

She was still surrounded by my arm as the was about to enter but turned around again to set for a goodbye kiss which ended up on cheeks. She asked me whether she can upload those pics of us and I agreed. Description : good times , good friends. She told me she had a good time afterwards and really would like to stay friends. 2nd meeting was not that great as we had a talk about us both again and she got upset/annoyed, told me “she likes someone else” and does not want me which ended up that she deleted the pictures because I did not see her only as a friend. I met her with a friend but she used to be very cold and distant, didn’t look into my eyes either but I teased her about her behavior and just had fun with the friend doing this. It worked out and she I made her laugh kinda often, but she talked more to our friend than to me. We went to a bar and I turned as in meeting 1 again , touched her often even tho she put her bag inbetween us and moved slightly away. Later on the friend left and she had to leave “suddenly” too. We met us a 3rd time in a mall , we met us somewhere else and went there together. It was fun in the beginning , she tried to walk away but I didn’t care in a fun way and she tried to grab my arm , giggling and telling us to go. At the mall we took a walk around and she moved to a cafe. I asked here where she would go and went there together. I chose a place to sit ,teased her , dranked a few times of her coffee (each time she laughed) , played games as teenies like fighting with thumbs , holding her hands when she tried on purpose to grab for her phone , talked about her childhood made fun of her … At all we had a great time and I made her laugh kinda often. But after a while it went different as I tried to touch her more too often and was about to get closer. We took a last walk in the mall , she was about to show me something , she used to be the leader again and moved infront of me , on rolling stairs she went a few steps infront of me aswell. At a point I leaded us to a store because I was looking for myself ear rings.

I asked her to watch a movie in the cinema but she had to leave to meet with a girlfriend. I “offered” her to join me and my friends later for a bar or club and she would let me know later if she joins. In the tram we took a picture together after I asked to but she was not so excited. In the end after I brought her to smile again I tried to go in for a goodbye kiss (fast) which ended up on her cheek. (Yes , I know how to act usually) We didn’t meet this day again.
1 week later we met us again after my friend invited her to a birthday party (which was mine aswell) of another guy. She didn’t know I will be there too. So we met us there , welcomed her and I talked to my friends but also other people. When I tried to talk to her for a while friends grabbed me away to play games together (So I won’t show her my attention all the times they tried to help). It worked at first when I spent time with a friend and 2 other girls , she got interested in talking to me and so we did.

Tho I talked to her almost the whole party , left here and there to talk to other guys who crossed our way but only for short moments. I invested more in the conversations to keep them rolling than her … Made her laugh , brought her a beer after I disappeared for a while and enjoyed the time tho , we had a bit body contact , told me about her week , the new dress she had but as I showed her a more attention she got a bit distant again. It felt like she had the “lead”. A drunken friend pushed us together at some point and forced us to dance with his violence (rub her hips against mine) which was totally stupid and made her feel uncomfortable and leave. Before she did he talked to her about me , why she is acting like this for a few weeks towards me , behaving as that , …
A couple of minutes later she left but I stopped her on the streets and talked to her, asked her at first what’s wrong and why she changed like this. We basically had the same talk as we had before the 2nd meeting ( Likes someone else, can’t and doesn’t want to be my girlfriend , ->changed her mind <- (surely because I did in the past weeks)). I explained her why I showed up here at all again , to be here for her , to convince her that I would not see her only every few months and get bored of distance like her Ex boyfriends and minor her fear about it

But she gave only the same answers and tried to set the whole thing as : She wanted to see me as friends only , tho we never have been friends. Friends are not flirting this heavily as we did , don't have this sexual tension and minds and we showed it. Her answer to this : Well okay , but this was a while ago. Before we started to "fight" and I turned into the jealous , worried and all above mentioned things guy who changed himself because of that it used to be a very great time for 6 months between us , in 4-5 weeks it just changed because of my behavior. Later on she left when I was thinking.

1 week later there was another party , I asked the friend again to invite her and I wanted to show her my real , own character , attitude and behavior … I finally tried to drop this different guy of myself. To show her , why she liked and fell in love with me in first place , why she invited me to meet her finally … The masculin , fun and "leading" guy who made her feel awesome.
But she knew I would be there too and didn't respond to the friend and also not show up.
2 days after the party she suddenly contacted me after 9 days since the last party and asked me online : Where are you?
I met her in the game where she asked me to get on Facebook to talk to her , she wants to talk to me and a bunch of minutes later I joined it. Alright , I showed up and she asked me out as : How are you ? How is your study going ? Where are you currently ? I answered her casually but short , she was friendly and curious. Later on I told her that I am free and which made her wonder what I will do in my free time. I told her that I am still in her hometown (she thought I left 1 week ago since I told her I would and was kinda surprised/shocked)
She asked me why and I told her I enjoyed the company of a lots of new friends , people and city here. It made her glad that I have a fun time here but I should go back to my country.
Later on she asked me if I have been on the party , I didn't properly answer her to this because I knew that she wanted to know if her thoughts that I would be there were right.
She asked me again , after 40 minutes she asked me if I decided to stay longer because of her.
After 2 hours I got back and gave her a honest answer (shortcut) : Yes I used to be longer each time I told her I will leave soon for her , but since she acted like this, tried to push me and changed her behavior in the last week I decided to stay longer for all the experience , people and friends here … to have a good time before I will get back. It was yesterday and she saw my message , tho didn't answer yet.

I'm sorry for this very long and kinda detailed description again but I had to get rid of all this thoughts and would like everyone and Rick who hopefully was patient enough and read it until the end what actually happened.

My big questions at all :
- Can I show her in any way my real self again , the guy who she liked and fell in love with ?
- What can I do now to do so ?
- If someone did not act and behave as you should (Leading , Masculin , and all other in the Guide mentioned ways) for a long time even tho he has been for most of the duration, is there a chance to turn things around and be that again ? To show and make the woman feel like this again ?
-How could that work ?

I don't want to get too much into here since I already did hehe so I would love to hear a response any time soon if possible. It feels like I am caved and a bit helpless.

Thanks in advance

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Zman December 3, 2014 at 11:48 am

I have an ex girlfriend who I think has BPD (though not sure). She is actually the mother of my daughter and we were set to get married a couple of months ago, but I caught her talking to another guy in a flirty way and found out she was going to get drugs from him. She has done this to me a couple of times before and i have always gave her the boot (like i did this time) but she will constantly call crying wanting me back and start totally loosing it. I eventually give in and let her come back and everything will be good again for a year or so until she does it again. This time she vowed to get help and has been going to recovery groups but i have remained strong about he getting help before i let her back in. We haved stayed in constant contact and i have been nice to her letting her stay at my house to hangout (never overnight). We have even had sex a couple of times, but out of nowhere she starts getting distant from me and stops telling me she misses me and loves me and all that. Now all of a sudden I am not so strong. lol. I have ripped her a couple of times for being cold hearted but i have also told her i want to work this out so we can have a family that our Daughter can grow up in. She always lies about everything so i can’t tell if she has cheated. I would like to work it out for our daughter and hopefully getting help makes her look at herself and why she does this all the time. But i am a little confused about how to act. I have told her I am done with her, but she will continue to contact me through text just not as frequent as she used to and not ever talking about our relationship like she had the prior month or so. She’s hard to read. I can’t tell if i should tell her to leave me alone and ignore her or what. She is super smoking hot but she is crazy as hell. it’s almost not worth it but i do love her.

She is the type of girl that will do what everyone else wants her to do just because she puts everyone before herself. But she also is selfish and does whatever she wants to do regardless if it hurts anyone. It’s like she is the sweetest person on earth and super kind but she’s jacked up in the head becasue she doesn’t know what she wants

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Rick December 4, 2014 at 12:52 am

Yeah man it’s tough especially with the kid involved. The right move in this case is to stop getting logical with her – stop telling her you’re done with her. Stop telling her you love her. Stop expecting to hear that from her. Stop giving her the boot. ONLY do these things if you really intend to never see her again. But you have a kid. So you can’t. My honest advice is to just treat her like a kid and be aloof with her. You have a daughter so she needs to grow up thinking you and mommy are good friends and love each other. That’s my advice. Stop causing any drama. Either end things for good and remain friends, or just live with the fact that she might cheat on you. Don’t make it an issue.

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David December 7, 2014 at 11:22 am

I would like to discuss my situation in detail. It is pretty complicated. Can you let me know where we can go from here? Thank you.

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Rick December 11, 2014 at 9:07 pm

I have several coaching options above, just take a look there and get in contact with me.

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Phil December 12, 2014 at 8:39 am

Hello Rick ,

I’ve got a complicated situation there with a girl who lives in another country to this topic.
We met us randomly in a Online in a Video Game this year Summer and started to like us.
She liked me so much that she was chasing me and initiating the contact most of the time I was never needy , instead funny and mysterious.

One day she left for vacations that lasted 2 months she invited me to see her near her hometown but we haven’t seen us in the summer. Of course we were disapointed and she thought I would never see her , tho I made it out that we will meet in her hometown soon so we continued contacting as we did.
Unfortunately she earned bad memories of her ex boyfriends back who lived on distance too and it didn’t workout with (1 hour away from her) and told me about her fears of getting hurt and being dropped again but also of losing me out of her life if it doesn’t work out with a relationship between us so she wanted to be friends at first and see how it continues between us since she likes me a lot.

She knew I am not as her ex boyfriends , I conviced her to continue as we did and finally go for a meeting. We tried to set some meeting but could not see us for a long time , she wasn’t sure about her schedule or got scared again as soon as we tried to get serious with meetings again , tried to be friends instead even when she wanted to meet me in person so badly and see how it runs between us and mentioned I am boyfriend material.

After few months , she turned colder and more distant. Of course I wondered why and contacted her more often. She explained me that she simply had a bad week , I cheered her up as I always did and it runned normally again. Tho it kept jumping like this and I started to chase her , being needy which was a huge mistake as I figured out and read in your topic here.
I even turned jealous to a guy who is simply her friend but she spent a good amount of time with, asked her if she sees more than a friend on him. I didn’t get a reply to this of course.

We tried to set a meeting for Christmas, it was 2 months in October before it would happen.
She couldn’t plan so early and I pushed her a little bit to try to. It didn’t work.
Finally I decided to go for a spontaneously meeting , to make it easier to her because I know her university schedule which she sent me by her own one day. I did a move but she was not so happy about it because I did not set a plan with her.

We still talked about it the next day , I talked about flirty and funny things as we always did but she told me we will meet but as friends only, that she does not want to be my gf and likes someone else. For me it seems like she is still fullfilled with anxiety , of course I acted a little bit needy , a bit pushyand insecure too when she turned cold but the bigger reason to me was the fear of getting hurt again.

After 3 days of trying to meet I threw the ball to her to set a meeting for us. It worked and we finally met. 2 times alone , 1 time on the party and 1 time with a friend. Each time went okay in the start , we had fun together, I made her laugh often and long. As soon as we got closer and she tried to back off a little bit , came back again. It was jumping between pushing and pulling. I felt hear fear again. I tried to be nice but didn’t flirt with her so much , I acted differently than I usually did (Mysterious, teasing , cocky and funny , being a challenge) are the things I love to do and she loved too. No I didn’t try to copy another behavior and yes this are some PuA words . And I think she noticed I was different too.

Before the 2nd and last meeting at the party she told me again that she does not want me , likes someone else and changed her mind. After 9 days of no contact she contacted me on Facebook , got curious if I am still around , If I have been to another party 2 days before she contacted me and how I am doing. I told her that I am still around because I enjoy the company of friends and all the new people and experiences. She was glad to hear that but was about to say that she thinks I should leave soon.

Her last question to me was If I decided to stay longer in her hometown for her. I gave her an honest answer : Yes I did at first but since you tried to push me away , behaved differently in the past weeks and acted this way I chose to stay around for a while for the fun here.
She did not reply to this message for 2 weeks now and we haven’t seen each other for 3 weeks.

What do you think Rick ? She was
Can I try to go for another shot ? Was my last message so wrong that she doesn’t reply ? What could I do now ? I am afraid there is really another guy she has a crush on and each day I do nothing I might lose her more.

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Rick December 14, 2014 at 3:36 am

Yeah sorry man she just isn’t into you, she’s just being your typical gamer girl stringing guys along. Gamer girls are no different from normal girls when it comes to dating. You still got to play by the same rules. These girls have soooo many gamer guys constantly wanting them, giving things to them in games, trying to play with them – it’s the ultimate form of loser in my eye. She’s basically a queen online instead of in real life. So she goes here for all her validation.

Gamers think that just because you and her play games, you guys should date! You have so much in common! Well, the reality is that being a gamer isn’t cool, it isn’t sexy, it isn’t attractive at all. I like games but I keep this part private from my love life UNLESS the girl likes games as well. I don’t need to talk about gaming because I’m doing so many other things that are interesting. If she mentions she’s a gamer, then I might say “Well of course games are fun” or something of that nature.

99% of gamer guys fall into the trap, kiss her ass and think they can have a shot. It’s a dream to be with these gamer girls for these guys. But the gamer girl doesn’t actually want a gamer guy UNLESS he has a cool lifestyle and ecosystem OUTSIDE of video games (which 99% don’t like I said). This is why most gamer girls that are attractive don’t have gamer boyfriends, lol. They go for the guys that have awesome things going on outside of the computer.

So when you come along and are trying so hard to get her to see you, she wants nothing to do with it because you’re now no different from all those other guys online wanting her – hundreds and hundreds of guys. Maybe thousands. So believe me, you’re not the first guy that’s tried to go to her town and meet her. She’s probably had dozens of guys do this.

In the end, she’s still going to date a guy that follows the correct rules. He’ll most likely not be a gamer at all. It doesn’t matter how good you are at PUA stuff, girls aren’t going to go for a gamer guy unless he actually has an awesome lifestyle and ecosystem to back it up. 99% of gamers don’t have this, thus why they fail with women and turn to PUA material (which only works on low quality, drunk women). All you have to do is look at the professional gamers, the BEST of the BEST. 90% of these guys are virgins and the other 10% have girlfriends that are either ugly or just nobodies in general lol. That CLEARLY shows you how unattractive being a big gamer actually is.

By you chasing her so hard, she KNOWS that she owns you, that you aren’t cool, that you have no lifestyle outside of games. And if you try to prove to her otherwise, you’ll fail even more and she’ll think you’re an even bigger loser.

Anyway that’s my 2 cents on this. Dating women you meet thru games is tough. The best way to do it is to be friends but don’t chase. Let them come to you. I could do it but it would be interesting.

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Phil December 14, 2014 at 5:54 pm

Hmm. I think I mentioned maybe something wrong. Not trying to make it sound better nor want to sound upset. Please no , I am not !
She is not that attractive to other guys and as far as I got known to get in this 6 months a shy and not for attention seeking girl nor mentions she is a girl just to get some. Currently she is not gaming at all and has other things going on (Talking with her friends).
I’m not a typical gamer who sits infront of the computer all day and has nothing to going on his life. Actually I was always busy with something going on. In the summer I moved to another city to start an education , had a job running and was of course looking for a flat. So I didn’t have too much time to see her at the beach where she had no internet but mobile phone at all.
She fought for me to finally meet in person and see how it goes between her and me , invested a lot , initiated talks by herself with me … She was on vacations and it would have been an easy time to get known to each other but unfortunatelly I didn’t show up.
I had time for a few weeks , but I was also busy with my own things going on.

Maybe she just wanted to have a romance for now , see how it runs between us as she mentioned the whole time , dropped other guys she told me and I knew of for me , even her friends were not the first priority.

Mentioning that I am not interested enough of, having nothing going on in my life or she was not totally into me (it was pretty obvious she was) is so correct. She was very curious about my life, about me , trying to ask me out and told me about her life , feelings , her dreams , exceptions of relationships and her partner, she really wants to meet me see how it goes and a lot more. She gave me more than enough pretty obvious signs , behaviours and actions that she was really into me , I know how women and girls are if they really like someone.

Even when we finally met us she was looking at me with this special stare , trying to get my stare and attention all the times. The problem here : I didn’t really do a move and kiss her even tho it was pretty obvious she wanted to. (A long hug before she left with slight moanings inbetween)

Overall I don’t want to blame myself but I did not do a move earlier , she was disappointed when I didn’t show up in the summer , thought I would never see her and things seemed to be harder as we both had to continue with our normal lives. (We both study) So it wouldn’t be so easy at all to set meeting and she wanted to stay friends in order not get heartbroken again , being dropped like her ex boyfriends did because they got tired of distance even when it was just 1 hours away from her and not to lose me out of her life if it doesn’t work between us since she likes me a lot.
(Of course living in another countries is a huger distance but hey, If I showed up early enough before I turned into this needy, insecure behaviours and we liked each others that much … Who knows if we wouldn’t move one day together ?)

We still continued after I shared her my thoughts about it and she was sure by herself I am different than them, still fullfilled by her fears.

After a couple of months as mentioned above it pushed her for a meeting , but doing plans for 2 months ahead was too far. I wasn’t patient enough. It wasn’t the worst part as we continued in a good mood. She worst part was when I used to be insecure , acted needy and jealous to a simple friend who I didn’t know of this times. Totally wrong yes.

I mentioned the story quite a bit above. Today I asked her after 2 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks after we haven’t seen each other out for a coffee and tell her goodbye in person since I am still around , but I have to leave in 4 days.
She told me she is sure if she can make it. I know she doesn’t seem so interested because of my behaviour in the past weeks and that I didn’t finally do a move by taking actions such as kissing her and more.

Hell yea I know what I did wrong , but is there really no way I could turn the tables one day and show her , I grew by myself , worked on the needy behaviour and show her the confident , funny guy who she was into for the whole time.

I don’t want to force and can’t her to love me. No , I just want to show her why she liked me so much ,wanted to be with me and make her remember the good times we had.

She was fullfilled with bad memories and fears

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Phil December 14, 2014 at 5:57 pm

And yes , I noticed as soon as I didn’t push or chase her she felt released ,came back by her own and was got interested again.
She wanted to keep it was special friends after the summer to see where it leads us to , meet me in person and we’ll see.

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