Dating A Girl With BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

by Rick on 08/04/2014 · 121 comments

in BPD,Relationships,Self-Worth

dating-girl-bpd

Information on women with BPD has been available for so many years now that it should be easy to figure out how you should date them, right?

Oh how I truly wish that were the case!

I have dated multiple women with BPD over the years and each one further grew my understanding of relationships, especially the BPD type. I’ve even created an Online Community where you can get as much help, advice and training from me as you need.

The thing about BPD that I always teach everybody is that we need to be focusing on the individual and NOT the diagnosis.

And if you’re a woman, I have created an entire article on dating a male BPD just for you. So check that out!

The word ‘BPD’ has so many negative words associated with it, I’m sure you’ve seen these thrown all over the web. All you have to do is take a quick visit to any community forum and you’ll see all those different words such as:

  • manipulation
  • lying
  • cheating
  • anxiety
  • unable to love
  • hot/cold

And so on and so forth. It really bothers me that the general consensus is to associate these negative words with people that have BPD.

The reality is that most people are any of those words as well!

So the first step to having any success with someone that suffers from BPD (borderline personality disorder) is to take a break from the online forums and negative articles. Let’s focus on the people in the relationship – your partner and YOU.

The Truth About YOU

The truth is that ALL of us have some level of issues or problems that we’re probably not even aware of!

Take me for example… I never really thought of myself as attractive, and I always had trouble being social. But I was always told that I’d meet a girl that liked me for who I am.

The problem? I didn’t like who I am! So when I look back on my old self, it was no surprise that I kept on ending up with women that also had insecurity issues, lack of self-esteem, shy, emotional – women like me.

It was only after a lot of reading, dating BPD-type women, self-evaluating and more experiences that my problems began to surface. I really had a tough time letting go of my ego and accepting that I’m a human being with problems just like BPD’s.

It’s extremely important that you lose your ego and understand that a lot of the problems you experience in your relationships could very well be your fault!

And that’s okay. It’s 2014 and the world is a crazy place. None of us come from the same background and upbringing so you must be open-minded that the women you date will be different.

Once your problems are at the surface, it becomes a lot easier to work and defeat them. I’m a completely different person than I was just a few years ago. It’s crazy to think about how much I’ve changed over the years and dating some of the most beautiful women alive.

You Must Read This: A Letter to Me from a Woman with BPD

I recently received this message from a woman who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I would like to share it with you as there are a lot of golden nuggets to be found:

“Hello I am a woman with BPD. I have struggled with relationships. But I would like to point out that I am not (neither are other people with this disorder) hopeless to date.

I have been in a relationship with a man for over a year now. I finally have found someone with the maturity to understand my mental disorder (which I am still working on overcoming).

He does not let me walk all over him.

We give each other space – and I do not control him nor does he control me.

It doesn’t take just an understanding from a man. You are right, it isn’t just the mans fault. It also takes an understanding from the person with BPD to want to change, and OVERCOME the disorder, which is possible.

You are right. The man can’t be the only one working on his actions. The woman must understand at least a little that she does have a disorder and does need help with it. She needs to be working on her actions as well.

But let me tell you it DOES make a difference on how the man reacts to her actions.

My man isn’t a push over. When I cross the line, my man clearly points it out. He makes me realize that I cannot treat him like shit over and over again or he WILL leave me.

And I do believe if I keep crossing that line, he is strong enough to treat himself how he deserves and leave me. I do not need him trying to make me happy constantly. He needs to be who he is.

He is a loving, strong, ‘alpha male’, who is actually mature enough to take advice from sites and books like these and put them into use.

We may be labeled as ‘troubled’ or ‘crazy’ but that does not at all mean we can’t have healthy relationships.

Just like Rick said, it takes an understanding. You have to be on there level.

You have to be mature enough to learn about it and want to do your part to make the relationship work. How you react to a woman with BPD has a huge affect on the relationship working or not.

It does take an understanding from the person with BPD also to want to change. I may have a disorder, but it does not control my life.

And I would like you to know it is NOT impossible to date us, it is POSSIBLE that you are very judgmental and not understanding what the disorder truly is and that you are simply clueless on how you can help make the relationship work.

If you truly do care then you will truly want to understand. So I suggest you do some research and get some advice from someone like Rick next time you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.”

- Carrie

love when I receive letters like this from women that have BPD. It basically says everything that I’ve been saying for so long.

It also shows that dating a woman with BPD is possible!

But Why Is It So Difficult For Some Men To Date A BPD?

I was a member on several of the most popular forums related to BPD and there’s one common theme – nobody is talking about success.

Have you noticed this common trend yourself? Why do you think it’s like this?

I personally believe that most men experiencing the turmoil happen to be weak and inexperienced with highly emotional women. Don’t be offended by that statement as it was the case for me just a few years ago.

Like the woman described above, these BPD’s want to be loved and cared for. They want a partner they can depend on and feel safe around. So I highly encourage you to re-read her letter over and over so you can get an understanding of the type of man she is happy with.

Women Are Simply Highly Emotional

And a lot of men are as well. It doesn’t surprise me that most men are not capable of succeeding in these BPD relationships.

Because most men are weak these days and over-protective of their fragile little egos, it’s very easy to just label your girlfriend as ‘crazy’ and move on with your life.

Some of us guys want to succeed in these relationships, so we spend a considerable amount of time on the internet looking up information and help. We want to learn as much as we can about BPD.

Unfortunately, most of the information is of the negative variety as I pointed out at the beginning of the article. This just let’s us easily label our girlfriend as someone with ‘issues’.

Either way, neither of these scenarios hit at the more important issue which is YOU. Our ego makes it very difficult to want to examine ourselves. But that’s why I’m here, so I can educate you and help you open up and grow into your awesomeness.

Now the big “shocker” is that all girls are emotional creatures. The ones that are highly emotional tend to be labelled as crazy by the men that simply don’t have what it takes to date them.

Now I know BPD is a real mental disorder but I like to believe in people because I’ve succeeded in BPD relationships. Remember that I said to focus on the individual instead of the diagnosis. This is very important that you instill this mindset into your head, even if you’re positive she has BPD.

Remember that you have issues just like everybody else. I can tell you right now that the first step to succeeding in a BPD relationship is by being open-minded, evaluating yourself and thinking outside of your bubble.

Yes, BPD’s can and will drive you crazy at times. Their behavior is off the wall and extremely frustrating. They have abandonment issues. They can be hot/cold. But again, refer to that woman’s letter above. How does her husband handle it?

What could you do in your relationship right now that would make you feel stronger?

You Must Work On Yourself

That is the key message I want to get across today and I hope you understand why this is so important in succeeding in all types of relationships.

I know that BPD can be quite the headache at times and extremely frustrating for you. But it’s really not something that you need to be thinking logically about. BPD women are simply different and that’s just how it is!

It doesn’t mean that they’re bad people.

You will need the tools and knowledge that comes with experience if you wish to succeed in these types of relationships. You’ll need to learn a lot and get to the point where you’re strong like that woman’s husband.

Conclusion

The reason why women with BPD get so much hate is simply because 90% of the men dating them are not at the level they need to be (again, refer to the letter above). There is really only a small percentage of people that have the knowledge and skills to date people with BPD – people like me.

BPD women require a man that has the necessary skills, attitude, mentality, beliefs and knowledge. Without these, she’s going to control you, dominate you, drive you crazy – everything that you fear.

If you haven’t done so yet, I highly encourage you to check out my BPD Success Program. It’s an e-book and audio program that lays out the exact system, mindsets, techniques and more that has allowed me to date BPD’s and all sorts of other ‘crazy’ women.

It’s only $23 and you can download it and be reading it immediately. I’m really proud of it and the success it’s brought to other people just like yourself so please check it out. Feel free to email me with any other questions.

And now I want you to contribute to this article. Tell me about your experience with BPD women in the comments below.

{ 121 comments… read them below or add one }

danielle August 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

hi Rick,
i have to say, although you already know, that there is nothing else like this anywhere, your knowledge and insight are amazing, and you have suprised me. i am a 30 year old female currently persuing a diagnosis of bpd. alot of what you say is like you are reading my mind/life story so what i fail to understand is, why exactly would you put yourself through a relationship with one of us ‘crazy’types when it would be so much more easier to leave the relationship while you still can?! do you find that women with bpd are different from other women in any positive ways? is there anything you could recommend to person identifying the need to stop being so vile :) help me help myself!!!lol i dont know what to do…i realy want to be nice and to have someone be nice to me, but i dont know where to start.
sorry for getting carried away…im passionate arnt i? excuse the bad spelling and punctuation.

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Rick September 1, 2012 at 10:10 pm

You just have got to make sure the men you date are strong figures and aren’t going to let you walk all over them. That’s what I would do. I commend you for seeking help. Women that are BPD and know they have it and seek help for it have my full respect and deserve a good man. BPD is a MOMMY issue, not a daddy issue like most people think. Think back to your early childhood and identify with it and why you are the way you are now. Don’t run from it but instead accept it and know that REAL love is having full trust in someone all the time and enjoying their company all the time :)

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alexia August 10, 2014 at 4:36 pm

I think bpd is simply complex post traumatic stress disorder.we arent crazy, we are traumatized. My friend and I are both bpd but we hate men and avoid relationships altogether. Even if we were “normal”, its plain to see that 99% of men are liars, users, cheaters and predators. Its simply not worth the risk, since all that nonsense can trigger us. I do admire these boyfriend having bpds. Its almost like they were born to make men suffer. I quite like it:)

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Rick August 11, 2014 at 2:58 pm

Lol well what you’re basically saying here is that 1 out of 100 men are good for you. And I probably agree with you on that. You’re not far off here. Most normal people are just horrible in relationships. But all it takes is one person to make a good partner :)

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The Borderline Lover October 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Hi Rick,

Thank you for this great article. I live with my BPD girlfriend (that I diagnosed all by myself, with no education or training that would qualify to make such a diagnosis…) and I am having some trouble.

I have learned to manage all her problems except for one: her constant search for the perfect guy. Like any borderline, she used to think I was perfect. She thought this of every guy she has dated. She has left every guy she has ever dated for someone else. Unfortunately, I was this someone else and I didn’t know it. James Bond isn’t real, but she is looking for him anyway. How do I compete with this fiction in her head? Every time she meets a guy who is even slightly attractive/funny/smart, she thinks long and hard about whether she would date him, and whether she should leave me for him. Most of the guys she has these crushes on aren’t interested in her. Probably because she is too clingy and it turns them off (or maybe because they are decent men who don’t want to fool around with someone who has a boyfriend). Either way, she genuinely gets upset when she gets rejected by one of these men, and she gets really happy when a guy is interested in her or gives a compliment (even if he is a coworker buttering her up so she can do him a favor, she can’t tell).

Her ex-boyfriend acted like he was James Bond, and she left him anyway. She sometimes cries and misses him, usually when we get into a fight. I am struggling with her wishing she could go back to him, or else hoping to find someone who doesn’t find anything wrong with her (i.e. a guy who barely knows her). She doesn’t have these thoughts when I am doing everything to make her happy. Do I really have to be on my best behavior all the time or risk losing her? Any tips are appreciated.

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Rick October 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Ok first of all I think you should move out. You should never live with a BPD until you’re married. Period. Reason for this is simply because a relationship with a BPD is the type where the less you’re around her environment, the more she craves you. The reason she’s thinking about dating other men is because you live with her, you’re around her all the time, etc. and so she loses interest in you. This is classic BPD and the solution is to simply be distant. Move out, hangout with her once or twice a week.

Next piece of advice and getting deeper her. You are living in her world currently. BPD’s are really good at making guys change their lifstyle and behavior to try to become the guy that the BPD wants. This is the BIGGEST problem guys have and it’s why these relationships always fail. So to answer your questions here in a simple sentence: Stop living for her and instead DO WHAT YOU WANT. If she’s crying about her ex, tell her to go back to him. If she’s being a bitch, tell her to go be a bitch somewhere else.

BPD’s really aren’t that difficult to date when you know how to. The problem is most guys are trying to please her all the time and forget about themselves. The most attractive thing to a BPD is a guy that DOES WHAT HE WANTS and doesn’t aim to please her. So stop trying to be a better man for her. She’s upset when other men reject her? WTF! Dude if I saw my girl getting pissed about being rejected, I would be like ‘Wait, you’re telling me that my GIRLFRIEND is upset because another guy rejected her? So if he didn’t reject you, what would you do?’ And if she said anything other than ‘Oh nothing it’s just for fun’ I would dump her on the spot and head home.

TLDR: you need to get your manliness back and really take control of your balls.

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Andy October 14, 2012 at 7:00 am

I have had an on and off relationship with a girl I diagnosed with BPD. She flew off the handle over some stupid shit last year around this time and we didn’t talk for 6 months. She dragged me back in and this time I started out with a totally different mindset and it worked for a while. She slowly started to pull away and I didn’t understand.
We just slowed things down and then we found out she was pregnant. It was the “need you, miss you, love you” all over again. I moved in shortly after we found out we were expecting to save on expenses. I did everything to make her life easy while she was pregnant. We told everyone and my family was thrilled!! She was very hormonal and we started to fight once I lived there. She did the pulling away thing and hated to be touched which started to damage the once amazing sex life. The last fight she told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore and said she wanted to have an abortion. I begged her not to got my things and moved out hoping it would give her the space she needed.
Two days later she called me to tell me she had the procedure done. I’m destroyed by this, couldn’t believe it!! Now that its all said and done she feels horrible that she dragged everyone in my family into this mess. She now thinks that we can help each other through this pain that she has caused. I am emotionally and physically a wreck now. What should I do?!?

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Rick October 16, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Wow man this is pretty intense but typical BPD behavior once again. It’s like no matter what you do, no matter the situation, they never change and this is evident of it. Here’s an extremely important tip: NEVER MOVE IN WITH A BPD GIRLFRIEND! Ever. It’s just not a good idea. And when you’re married, you had best have your own man cave so you can give her space (while pretending that you need space. That’s key!).

I even had an ex BPD tell me that when she’s married, she’s going to need separate rooms in order to stay married. BPD’s simply need their space every other day or so even if they love you.

It makes sense to be emotionally wrecked. The only thing you can do is pick yourself back up and continue moving forward and improve your life. Don’t let the past haunt you as it will do you no good. Simply start working forward. If you want the BPD in your life going forward, then this is your choice. Just remember to not move in with her, don’t be her white knight, etc.

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wesley November 1, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Bros,your not making any sense !!!!!, i dated someone with bpd for over a year and half, and before that < i never experience anything like that in my entire life.
So long story short i will tell you and others what had happen to me dating someone with bpd.
Constant fight and arguement,spending all your money in the relationship without getting anything back,abuse,control,become homeless,went to jail,got $ from bank acct stole from when trying to leave the relationship and this is some of the few things im sharing,now you tell me how in the world do you think its posible to date someone with such trouble.

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Rick November 7, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Well the fact that you let it escalate to such levels tells me that you should have been reading my material long before most of this crap happened – that’s why I do what I do! My hope is that people get my book before any of that crazy shit starts because if you have no clue what to do, shit happens just like with your experience. Do you really think going forward that you would make the same mistakes? No. You have experience now. I guarantee you that if me and your girl were to date, the things she did to you would never happen to me.

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roman February 7, 2013 at 12:27 pm

dude you are full of crap…there is NOTHING anyone can do when you are on a rollercoaster ride, just hold on for dear life or let go…you are just bl0wing smoke…this is so funny i have been with a girl w bpd and i am an alpha male i know my sh*t this was the biggest challange …its impossible to make it work stop blaiming the men, its a mental disorder…nuff said

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Rick February 18, 2013 at 3:45 am

bro, do you even lift?

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Cassie February 23, 2013 at 9:07 pm

Edit by Rick: Carrie, this is such a good response that I added it to my post. Roman is just a sad person who will never get it. Oh well. Let them be lost.

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mcdude October 9, 2014 at 3:54 pm

Im sorry i have to agree with Roman. Bpd, is a disorder.. There is no way to treat someone with a disorder that will make a relationship better. I just left my ex after 2 years, same story she lied cheated, played the victim, accepted zero responsibility foe any of her action. And every time i would put my foot down and say that behavior is unacceptable. We would break up and not talk for a week or so, and she would come back and promise to change. There is no way around this, i realize that me allowing her to come back only reinforces that her actions have no consiquences and my threats are meaningless… That is why the unfortunate reality is that the only way this message will truley resonate is when i left for good. So hopefully this will help the next guy.. But i dont see how any actions on my part could have changed her behavior.

John November 3, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Hi Rick, as you say everything match up with my bpd, she is pretty damm hot and crazy and promiscous, bad childhood, Family separated and so on, i ve been dating 3 years with her, being the guy that listened and trasmited calm…but now i see when i made my mistakes, its been 2 years now we separated, i started to feel like a big turnover in my self being…felt like i was detaching from an painful hillness, it took me months to balance, but still to this day i have a small feeling i must solve that is hanger and anxiety transmited thru all the 3 years together Now we stay together 1 and half months in beteween college holidays, but when school starts, i leave her… it as to be becouse is too draining, i must improvo on thet… we are both in our 33, and since i ve done my first year in Grad of Economics, working in aviation, gym, net projects and not giving her attention, she started to see that i ve goals better then hers, so she comes for good moments(sex), but that is not my long term thinking, i must lay down the law… now i understand why!! i ve downloaded your book and confirms what i ve been thinking, bpd womem are receptor of man power…if you are weak your doomed, even with 1.88 and 95 klg, its the cahracter that matters, STRONG cahracter… I ll read your book times and time again because i now its the way i ve been doing and results are showing up… but thats nottt eassyyyy…. Greetings Rick , Thanks

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Rick November 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Hey John, that is the key. I’m not being bias when I say that my book is the best book on the planet about how to effectively have a relationship with a BPD. It needs to be read over and over and over again. Must be consumed until the material becomes YOU. So yes, keep reading it over and over again because if you don’t, you’ll fall back on old habits. And you need to break those old habits.

- Rick

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pravin November 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

i am staying in india44 yr old guy. i had a 7 yr relationship with bpd girl .she belongs to poor joint family. in which no one take care of her. i took care of her. i am the person who stayed 7 yrs in her life.she is always unsecured . emotional ,some times crying some times fighting.she dont like critisicm .always her mood changes.six month before she left me because of my financial condition and my families negative attitude. but as soon as i started good job ,she has contact me. she tried to make relationship with me again but because of her new relationship i keep distance.last year she wants to marry with me but she want permision from my and her family as per indian tradition. i love her i cant forgot her and i want to treat her .she always worried about me.but now situation is she is not contacting me frequently.as per her mood she contact me.

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ladyborderline November 10, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Hey Rick,
I must say I’m pretty surprised someone has so much respect and understanding for women with BPD. In your articles I can almost read “woman with BPD are so much more fun to be with” (or is it just my narcissism?) :) I myself am diagnosed as BPD AND bipolar, I’m going to therapy for four years now and I seem to be going pretty well if one considers my previous state.
I’m up to answering any questions men can have about how we really feel and what’s really going on inside, as I’ve been treated and learning about myself for years.
I truly believe people need to understand that being diagnosed with BPD and/or bipolar disorder means fighting myself, all day, every day. I don’t just go around and hurt people, I learn, struggle, fight my own feelings, try to overcome my own pain, and although being borderline or bipolar may seem fun, one eventually get’s tired of eternal rollercoaster.
I currently have some really bad episode, and I would appreciate if you could email me and just talk to me about that, as I’m trying very hard not to hurt my boyfriend (we’re together for 9 months, and he knows about my condition), but I seem to be doing that unintentionally for last couple of days.
Thanks in advance!

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rebecca masters February 6, 2013 at 7:37 am

hi,
ive not long found out ive got bpd. i’m really finding it hard coping most the time. i feel really guilty for the way i treat my boyfriend. as i read through everything it scares me that i might not love him when i thought i did. i have drama therapy at the minute but then my local nhs mental health team dont want to help me in any way they just keep telling me to go gp but then gp dont do anything either. im really scared of losing him and just want to treat him right.
any help? thanks beki

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Keith April 15, 2013 at 2:18 pm

I’m married but separated from a BPD. I was her first in high school. We went our separate ways and reconnected after 25 years. She attempted suicide about 6 months ago. Her third attempt. A month ago, she got angry with me and threw a full beer bottle….hit me on the cheek, giving me two black eyes for 3 weeks. She also slapped and hit my 20 year old son who witnessed that bottle throwing. I made her move out shortly after. We are in our 40′s. Highly successful in our professional careers, etc. I have been willing to try to work things out. Its the push/pull thing from her end. I ask her requently, “do you want to stay married or divorce?”. Her answer is always “I don’t know what I want”. What is she trying to tell me?
Thanks. K.

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Rick April 20, 2013 at 9:34 pm

I HATE when people tell me they want to fix a relationship with someone that obviously has extreme issues. This has NOTHING to do with BPD. You’re just using that as an excuse for her craziness. Get ahold of yourself and get as far away from this girl as you can. You really want to put your son through all this again?? Jesus…

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pete August 6, 2014 at 2:29 pm

Hey ladyborderline whats your email?

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the keen novice August 12, 2014 at 12:08 am

Hi Lady borderline,
The girl I was dating doesn’t throw a tantrum
, just constantly working, super ambitious and is a perfectionist. She also goes quiet for days on me. She calmly told me how her relationships never last more than three months and how some poor bloke went suicidal after she dumped him.
My resaerch on her led me to BPD and Narcissism. How can I help her and is there a way of getting her to warm up to me again?

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hurtashell December 14, 2012 at 10:23 am

I cant believe this disease. WTF? My exgf slapped me threatened me with cops because I found her celexa meds by accident. One day she is sweet as can be and then attacks me with verbal disrespect, wanting sex and and then denying me sex and then wanting it again. She broke up with me every week and wouldnt talk to me for days and then come back acting like it was all my fault. I am heart broken because we were friends first and she never acted this way. Do BPd people have a problem only with intimacy or do they do this to everyone. The last straw for me was that she always put everyone she knew down calling them the most vile crap I ever heard. Then she acts like their friend. I couldnt take it and told her I was ending it. She actually said she is confused why I wanted to walk away. i told her I couldnt take her abuse and I never heard from her again. I miss the good in her but I dont understand the craziness. Why wont she talk to me. She came back everytime, but when I showed her I wasnt taking this she left?

Also one last question…she told me she cares about me and wanted me back but her problem is that she has deep issues and I am triggering issues within her. I never did anything other than be a good guy/friend never talked relationships ect. She basically told me the sex we were having was too much for her because I could do anything I wanted to her and she would want me..she said that she is not in control and doesnt like it. What does this mean. What did I trigger?

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Rick December 20, 2012 at 12:29 am

This is much more than just BPD you’re dealing with here, you’re dealing with a combination of illnesses and the pills she’s on isn’t really helping – they’re suppressing the anger and then she lashes out. I am completely against medication to calm illness because all it does is create moments of rage. Unfortunately, BPD’s will rage either way when they’re not on pills. I just personally have a thing against pills and don’t like people taking them. It works wonders on some people, but not on others. It most likely has to do with if you’re on pills during childhood and teenage years. Probably fucks with your brain. Anyway, for your situation you just got to keep doing what you’re doing. Set boundaries and let her know that you’re not going to date her as long as she’s negative and mean-spirited. Tell her that there’s plenty of insecure loser guys that will sit around and put up with it. Tell her you want a woman that’s positive, loving, friendly, etc.

This will drive her nuts and make her more mad BUT she will deep down respect you for it. And if she never calls you back? She’ll still remember those words you told her and it will help her down the road. Never settle with a negative person. It sucks. You CAN make a BPD positive around you, but you must establish that early on or when she comes back to you wanting to get back together.

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Michael December 27, 2012 at 10:01 am

Rick,

How about if she is more negative on herself than anything? My ex is making headway back into my life but oh man she is more depressed & down on herself than ever. She also gets pissy I’ve changed into a better person. Saying anything positive in response to her bashing herself (or her life) just produces more negative. So now I either respond then tell her to drop it, or I don’t respond at all. I’m extremely good at turning her bad mood around but sometimes she’s so immersed in her mood there is no getting through. Any advice on at least toning this crap down?

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Rick January 9, 2013 at 3:20 am

It’s actually very common for a negative person to have bad behavior when you’re bettering yourself. This isn’t even a BPD issue – this is just someone who is insecure with themselves bringing out their negativity onto you because you keep getting better. One of my exes did exactly this to me as I kept improving: getting my own car, then my own place, then a great job, etc. and she got more and more negative. I didn’t know what I know now though so the relationship failed.

What you need to do is step up. Instead of trying to be positive and make her feel better (remember you can’t change people, you can only inspire and hope that behavior changes based on your actions), just speak truth and be like ‘Girl look if you’re going sit in this negative cloud, I’m gonna head home. I can’t stand negativity. I hate it. I hate how you’re hard on yourself. I absolutely cannot stand it. If you can’t tell me what’s really going on deep down, what the real deep issue is, then I don’t see how we can even be friends.’ BOOM. Drop the bombs on her man. Girls want straight truth. Most guys instead try to fix them and be positive and make them feel better. Don’t do that. She’ll love and appreciate the true honesty.

- Rick

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Mike January 9, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Thanks you. Turns out she just had an episode last night & I’m doing just as you said.

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Sileas January 12, 2013 at 7:41 pm

Hey. I found your article incredibly helpful, realistic and eye opening. I really think your points, if kept in consideration, will really help me out in my dating life.

I’m a female with BPD. I’ve had a lot of trouble dating and I think you’re right that I haven’t found someone who is on my mental level yet. It has nothing to do with intelligence at all. It’s all about mental compatibility.

And patience!!!

Thanks:) Let me know if you ever need a case study.

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Rick January 23, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Thank you! I would love a case study :)

Exactly, dating a BPD is all about 1) understanding yourself. 2) realizing that you cannot change this person. 3) not losing focus on yourself and your own life. 4) not accepting abuse.

It’s rare to find a real man these days and quite frankly I believe that has a lot to do with the sudden growth in BPD women. It’s almost like women have gone crazy because no real men exist anymore. I’ve seen BPD women become the sweetest little flowers when they find the right man. Well, my job here is to make men into real men because when you’re a real MAN, you won’t ever encounter BPD behavior ;)

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INES January 27, 2013 at 8:35 am

I also found your article really great. I was dating girl with BPD and after 5 month we broke up (because I caught her cheating on me). Since that time I broke up any contact with her and moved on by taking care of my own needs and wishes.
After 4 months of no contact she tries to get back in my life (sending sms or writing). First thing what I said very clearly was – I will not play your games and I need my space, my time, my life! Now she contacts me once in two weeks and try to win my trust back.
I´m not sure if there will be anything, but I feel myself good – because can be myself and don´t give other to control my life!

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Rick February 23, 2013 at 4:41 am

They always come running back. Either they’re bored and lost their current fling, or they realize how awesome you are. Either way, don’t accept them back with open arms. Make them work for it and prove they’re worth your time. And even then, be incredibly cautious about getting close.

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Judith February 4, 2013 at 9:30 am

Its quite refreshing to see this. I recently read a few other blogs and so forth about dating people with BPD and was deeply hurt to see that most people had deemed them undatable and have demonized them. I suffer with BPD and am currently trying my best to recover by seeking professional help. I was contemplating on whether to end my life or not based on the previous web pages I saw -bashing people with BPD and claiming they are undatable. Of course that stung me and quite deeply. I can imagine it’d be the same for anyone suffering with BPD.

It was through the break-up of my first boyfriend that had started the process. I had tried to end my life 2-3 three times last year due to missing my ex and the fact that my life flipped upside down. I felt lost. Sometimes, I forgot and woke up shocked to see that I wasn’t with him. Anyways, my Doctor got me into Cognitive Therapy. I had looked back on my previously relationship and had learned a lot about myself and what I had done wrong. He was abusive both verbally and physically. It didn’t help that I have BPD. He, his family, and his friends all labelled me as a crazy psycho. He rubbed it in my face. It hurt a lot. For awhile, this year…I felt lost.

A positive note. I have diminished the amount of times I argue with people quite a bit. I would say by 60% – 70%. I do plan on in seeking mental help to recover. When I move, I will be continuing CGT and will be doing DBT. I just hope that I will find a man who will love me for who I am. I am aware of that I have it and hope that I can control myself. Its really hard, but I constantly force myself in line.

I really am thankful to see someone put BPD in a positive light when talking about dating a person suffering with BPD. It means a lot.

Thanks.

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Rick February 18, 2013 at 3:53 am

And it’s great that you are making improvements. I have always said that the first step for someone with BPD to recover is to admit that they have a condition. BPD comes in a ton of different sizes and shapes – no two are alike. It’s actually quite sad that a label has developed. Either way, it’s an emotional issue and the best way to get control over your emotions is to first drop your ego and accept that you have emotional issues. Hell, I had emotional issues for years that I never would admit to myself. Once I learned that I had an issue, I did what I could to learn how to control my emotions. And I’ve never looked back.

I highly recommend Ekhart Tolle for every single living person on this planet. Listening to The Power of Now over and over will really help you see yourself differently for the better and make vast improvements :)

And thanks for the kind words. Suicide is not the answer. I only hope I can inspire others to pull away from these thoughts. Keep at it and you’ll find the right man in no time.

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Alyssa February 4, 2013 at 3:06 pm

Hello. I have been battling BPD for years rather unsuccessfully. I find that many of the things in your article pin me to a T, whereas some things don’t quite fit my condition. My current boyfriend, for instance, used to bend over backwards for me and it made it difficult for me to continue dating him due to my lack of respect for his behavior. He actually went after me for nearly a year before I finally began dating him. I would like to say that before him, I have tended to date men who were very abusive to me either physically or emotionally. Not all, but most. So, it was difficult for me to begin dating my current boyfriend because he allowed me to walk all over him and I consequently didn’t respect him much. Most of the men I have dated I fell for hard and the break ups always destroyed me. When I first moved in with my current boyfriend, however, I didn’t feel the same feelings of love that I had for my previous exs. But it grew and now I feel lost without him. He is tired and drained from my behavior and I am desperately trying to finish my masters while juggling my emotions and my the fear of losing him. I know that another break up will set me back, and for the first time I am dating someone who genuinely cares. I want to fix myself now before it is to late. And although I know I will probably always battle my tumultuous emotions, I need someway to center myself instead of lashing out like a horrible hurricane of emotion. I don’t know how to handle my own emotions anymore and I feel that every time I look for help it fails. Advice would be welcome, and I have some other things I would possibly like to speak with you over email about in order to get an idea of what I need to do to simply find peace. I don’t know that I am a full BPD, but I know I have OCD that doesn’t help when I am trying not to obsess over my already insane emotions. Thank you for posting this and for your time.

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cameron March 19, 2013 at 5:30 am

Alyssa February 4, 2013 at 3:06 pm
Hello,you are just an absolutey wanderful woman to of said what I just read,I have been in a relationship with a woman for 3 years that had the mom problems early in life and all the rest,I tried to save her.
I of course was so destroyed emotionally I got sick and ran myself down to the point where I did not care about anything,I was and am an emotional man and a very caring man,I do demand one thing from the love I give and that is equal love back,not berbatem but I think it is my way of demanding respect and I will not back off of that,I used to try just as hard as before even though she could admit to me how her actions could cause me pain and she understand how they would confuse me,but she would not offer to try to see that I did and still do give a damn,I do not wish to give up on her,but if my new as I call it Rick’s tough love shows no improvment for us then I will have to just let go,I am so tired,and she is worth it,I just hope I am.
I apolagize for my ranting here I know you know these things,I guess it’s just an opertunity to tell a woman that understands her issue’s and knows that us as men that are sensetive can be a strong as you need us to be,again I aplaude you and think the world of your efforts.Cameron.

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Rick March 24, 2013 at 1:49 pm

Your problem Cameron is that you are trying to save a girl. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you can’t save people. This is classic chump behavior trying to save a girl. It means you’re putting a woman before your own needs. And that’s bad and ALWAYS results in a toxic relationship whether she has BPD or not. So you shouldn’t be surprised at all that your relationship went to hell. It doesn’t matter how bad her upbringing was – if you’re trying to save someone, you will always fail.

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tom February 7, 2013 at 1:21 am

I’ve been seeing a woman that I realized is BPD a while back – infatuation phase made me feel like God, she pulled away, always crawled back after I would disappear (even for short periods of time).

The problem for me is I get incredibly bored when she isn’t infatuated with me. I don’t get clingy or pressure her into anything, I simply get bored and disappear for lengths of time. Which it turns out feeds into her crazy but it wasn’t intentional or calculated. Every time I tell her this however, she turns up the infatuation, and once my ego has been sufficiently fed she pulls back again.

It is a constant power struggle. She says no until I say yes. Then I say no until she says yes. It is all very exciting as is the turmoil. I have no issue with her dating or sleeping with other men and have told her so as we aren’t committed to each other. As a matter of a fact, I’ve dated so many BPD’s over the course of the decade, that I actually get off on the promiscuity. I don’t not hold myself responsible for being majorly screwed up myself.

She calls her pulling away phase “being in a funk” and she calls my pulling away one of two things a. immature and/or dramatic or b. she tries to trivialize my pulling away by snickering to herself like it is an inside joke between her and her imaginary friends. All is well and good, I suppose and with that verbose amount of exposition it brings me to my question…

How do I firmly establish my dominance? Is it simply ignoring her for long periods of time? I hate playing these games as I know I am above them but have grown accustomed to playing them over the years and because I don’t have the deep seeded insecurities or jealousy I don’t drive myself insane. Simply, I am bored of the game. I am not without fault. I am a high functioning alcoholic (no DUI’s or drinking and driving, it never has an effect on my work or my ability to live a normal life from the outside, etc) and she seems to relish in when I have one of my bad nights while also saying she “hates” this part of me. But she only hates it in the midst of the power game as she has her own demons(which I don’t judge cause I have no opinion of most people’s vices).

For the record, when I date “nice girls” I am insanely bored. The most pleasant dates I have had leave me so fucking flaccid I can’t imagine living life another second beyond that point. I’m not getting any younger so I’d like to figure out how to make this work but I am growing impatient and I have my own ways of coping with that… would my own promiscuity ruin things? Do I lead a double life? Do I just shut down and constantly wait for her to come to me?

I do care for her to an irritating extent, I’m just not sure I am patient enough to tolerate it.

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aMELIA February 8, 2013 at 5:18 pm

Hey, I like the information you’re giving but as I’m a female with BPD and other diagnosis’, I think that if my partner was to say some of those things to me I would get worse, not better. I am extremely dependent and needy and that’s it. It’s how I am and I’m not sure how to change it.

BUT, I will be looking in to getting your book as my partner and I need to find strategies with how to cope and deal with me and my anger, controlling and negativity.

Thanks!

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Dominic February 13, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Dear Rick

this is regarding my girlfriend who is suffering from borderline personality disorder we are in relationship for the past 9 years. i knew that she has this problem from the day we started dating. i love her so much that her disorder never bothered me though she insults me or says that i am the cause for her problems. she fought with me lots of time also she tried to break up with me but i couldn’t let her go she also loves me so it never happened. though some times she say that she loves me and some times she say that she hates me and she doesn’t trust me. but i know deep inside she loves me. the main problem started 2 years back when she and her family had to move to USA and i had to move to Australia for my pilot training. i to applied a visa to USA twice but got rejected but got my visa for Australia so she thinks that i purposely didn’t go to USA. but after some time our life was on smooth phase. during December 2011 she said that with in a year that is by feb 2012 i must be in USA and ready to get married to her i agreed to it. so i was doing my training with full effort. i am in a situation where i have spoke to my parents and my relatives about our relationship they are happy about it and accepted our relationship. now i am in USA came here a year back. everything changed after i came here. On the first day she asked me when i am going to marry her i said lets speak to her parents and start things for the wedding. then after few days she said that she is not interested in marrying me and said that she got engaged to some one else. after some time she itself contacted me and said she called off the engagement. again after that she started saying that she is not interested in marrying me. i dont know what to do left everything behind and came here for her now i am in so much confusion. i love her so much that i cant giveup on her.

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panda February 19, 2013 at 1:38 pm

I’m a bpd female 25. My disorder ruined all of my past relationships and its ruining my marriage. All of you guys are right about bpd females. We have impulsiveness and do things without thinking first or do things out of hatred. I want help but none of my meds are working or theraphy. Bpd is a serious illness. Its not an excuse or a joke!

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Rick February 23, 2013 at 4:34 am

Meds don’t work. Notice how all these mass murderers are all on meds? Yea, you’re better off without them. Trust me. Sure you might be impulsive, but a lot of people are. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. You simply need to learn to get control over your behavior. Maybe this requires therapy, maybe it doesn’t. But you also need a man that actually has thick skin. Stop dating chumps.

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cameron March 19, 2013 at 5:51 am

Rick,I have been through hell and back with this girl,and saying that the men she dated are all chumps is like saying they did not know how to put a woman who in their eyes was so hurt and in pain and wanting,in her place,well I think you will agree that most people you are calling chumps are good people,I don’t really believe that any body in a crowd wants to hurt people,but not knowing how to deal with an emotional situation they had never encountered before does not make them chumps just with the wrong girl.
Now i have demanded respect from my girl and it’s just a different type of boomerang effect,”will it help”? I think so .
I am not dogging you here quite the opisite I have read alot of what you have to say and it has helped a great deal and I thank you.
However my chump side feels a little insulted not because you hurt my feeling but I do feel as though through reading that alot of what I did to try to “help” falls under your chump heading,and I just don’t want anyone to get discouraged from reading what you have to say because they feel insulted,now if they get their feeling hurt by it then thats what I would consider to be an emotional chump.
Thank you again for all your effort,It is helping.I’m 44 years old have fought and beat cancer twice and still would rather go through that again than to hear some of the things she said to me again.Thats what I thought before reading what you have to say.Thank you agin for opening my eyes to the right way to help.
Cameron

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Rick March 24, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Your definition of chump is incorrect. There are plenty of good men that aren’t chumps and these are the men that have great relationships. Chumpy men always have poor relationships. That’s because they’re chumps and women get tired of it and cause drama to add spice to their life. A chump is simply a guy that bends over backwards for women, puts women first instead of himself, chases women, is afraid to piss off girls, etc. These are all chump behavior and if you’re doing even one of those, don’t be surprised when your girl starts drama.

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Jhan6120 March 2, 2013 at 5:08 am

Here’s the sad TRUTH: the more you regulate your behavior, the more the borderline will push you away. Untreated borderlines NEED drama. Borderlines cannot stand STABILITY and will CREATE drama because they need to be the center of attention. This need is based on a LACK OF IDENTITY and fear of abandonment. When things get too quiet, a borderline starts to fear that she quite literally does not exist. She also starts to fear that the other person will have no reason to stick around. Therefore, she starts a drama to bring the focus back on her. It’s a borderline’s version of hitting the relationship with a cattle prod to make sure it’s still there. She will do this over and over and over, and will probably do it even if she’s been ‘treated.’ Borderline’s are SPECIFICALLY designed to disrupt stability.

In order to be in a relationship with a borderline, you must subjugate WHO YOU ARE to the sickness. Your needs will not matter; your dreams will mean nothing; your successs or failures you will experience on your own because borderlines do not have an ability to empathize (the self-consumption of their illness gives them no room to do so). In fact, the more succesful you become in life, the more the borderlines will sabotage your relationship. If you become too succesful, you might abandon her for someone less broken. (Here, the borderline’s fears are rational.)

At the same time, the borderline will resent you for being weak enough to stick around.

The better YOU are, the worse THEY’LL get. That’s the botton line. BPD is an emotional illness that is NOTORIOUSLY difficult to treat. Success rates are infinitesimal – as any HONEST mental health worker will tell you. That’s why so many mental hospitals are loathe to admit borderlines. It’s not prejudice; it’s healthy self-preservation.

Do not be one of those people who sacrifices themself to an emotional illness they had NOTHING TO DO WITH. You had nothing to do with forming the borderline’s broken personality; it’s not your job to fix them. In fact, they will make YOU sick before YOU make them better. Guaranteed.

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Rick March 3, 2013 at 8:47 am

Exactly! Everything you said is exactly what I teach here on my site and in my book. Thanks for the good comment. It’s 100% true that the more you improve your life, the more the borderline will resent you. This has happened to me multiple times with my exes. And it’s absolutely not our job to fix them like you say. It’s up to them if they want to come with us as we move up. If they don’t, then good riddance. Don’t let them bring you back down :)

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cameron March 19, 2013 at 5:57 am

So no matter what you are strong weak or whatever your saying to bail?

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Rick March 24, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Bailing is a choice. Everything is a choice. If you feel like bailing, then bail. If you don’t want to bail, then don’t. Work on your own needs and desires first and if she’s getting in the way, bail.

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Dave March 8, 2013 at 5:21 pm

RIck,

I’ll spare you the details of my 1st ever BPD encounter. You’ve done an OUTSTANDING job relating to nearly EVERY aspect of my relationship with her. We dated for about a year and she wound up dumping me. I could see the writing on the wall at around the 8 month mark. It’s just my opinion, but I think she kept me around until she found someone else. She DID share quite a bit with me though, clues to her condition, but never came right out and said, “hey, by the way, I’ve been diagnosed with BPD”.

I endured the insults and took many of them in stride. What got me most, and became the root of many of our disagreements was that I simply couldn’t understand what the hell was going on. When she would pull back, I would incessantly try to dig into what was triggering her actions. It’s funny, I remember a few times she would rage at me and say, “You say you love me, fvcking ACT like it!”. I remembered thinking to myself that I DID love her, and was loving her in what is a ‘traditional’ way. It’s just not what she wanted or needed.

Admittedly, I took a lot of crap from this woman and did not defend myself. I was disappointed in myself a bit with that the day she broke up. That I need to fix…PRONTO.

At any rate, she kept doing shit that KNEW pissed me off and at a few points, I just asked her straight up, “DO YOU WANT TO END THIS?”. She went quiet for a while, came back a few hours later and said yes. She was done. We haven’t talked now (text, phone, FB…nothing) for nearly two weeks now and I’m thinking she’s probably moved on to someone else.

In your opinion, is she gone for good…think she’ll try to come back? I think she knew I loved her…we just couldn’t make it tick. I read somewhere to let her come to me…if she never does, I never stood a chance anyway.

Thanks

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Rick March 10, 2013 at 5:52 pm

They see love in an entirely different way. It’s usually mean-spirited to be honest depending on the household they grew up in. At the same time, she could be sitting there wishing for you to grab her and tell her to stop bring ridiculous or something. It’s different with every girl. Either way, the more loud and aggressive you are with a BPD and not taking crap, them ore successful the relationship. You can’t be passive at all, like your BPD said. You need to have a back bone and not let her walk on you. 8 months is not bad, that’s pretty standard for a BPD relationship to be honest when you don’t know what you’re dealing with.

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Slowly Enlightening March 12, 2013 at 1:57 pm

Rick,

For the last few weeks, I’ve been realizing that the girl I’ve been dating for about 7 months is likely either BPD or NPD….or some combination thereof. My inclination is to “say it ain’t so”, but when I look at the symptoms on every health/mental health website (including Mayo Clinic) I check off the behavioral symptoms and background causes every time.

What puzzles me is that she has never come out and said she has some sort of mental illness, but she has excused herself in advance for some of the behaviors, as if to ask for permission to behave the way she does. She recently suggested couples therapy because of some fights over small things that we’ve had recently. So I’m wondering if I should do this at all. What she’s said is that she really doesn’t have a lot of faith in therapy….openly admitting that she’s found a therapist she trusts, but only after seeing about 8 therapists she thought were ‘stupid’. That’s kind of her basic description for anyone who doesn’t seem to understand the way she ticks or gets offended at things she does that are inconsiderate….”stupid”. So, anyway…what I worry about is that, circumstantially, this therapist she wants us to see is some sort of “yes” man and we won’t get anything constructive out of it.

What I’m wondering, on a more specific level, is if you you have any experience with the seeking psychotherapy side, if you have any pointers for “couples” therapy and if my case sounds familiar in any way? I’m wondering if she’s only doing this because I’ve honestly been more distant from her since I’ve recognizing her behavior as possibly being BPD….and she definitely has the fear of abandonment thing…she said that to me directly in the first few weeks we were dating. So the fear comes to a head every now and then and manifests itself. This therapy suggestion definitely comes on the heels of her being really fearful.

Another question is…..Should I even consider bringing up the fact that I’m concerned she might have this disorder? or would that be destructive whether she has admitted it to herself or not…?

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Rick March 13, 2013 at 5:26 am

I wouldn’t even think about the disorder to be honest. It’s a behavior thing. If you choose to let it bother you, that’s your choice. Not hers. We control our own actions, reactions and behaviors. No, I would not go with her to therapy. If she wants to then let her. You should only become concerned about BPD if she starts physically damaging your items or trying to attack you or something. That’s when you know you’re dealing with somebody that has an illness. I had an ex break my windshield. Crazy BPD…

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Ryne March 13, 2013 at 3:31 pm

For the last 7 years, I have been dating a girl who recently was diagnosed with BPD. The first 3 years of the relationship were great, then I made the mistake of talking to other girls and this destroyed our bond. We got back together and things seemed to be progressing, but we were always off and on. Then last year during one of our breaks, she began seeing another guy. About a month went by, (our anniversary) and she called me and told me that she wanted to change and wanted me in her life. I allowed her back in, but was cautious. She slowly developed a love for electric dance music and going raving with her friends.. something I was never into because I am a musician and appreciate real music. This bothered her, until I got her pregnant. During the pregnancy, she was very in love with me and treating me like she never had before.. I am very religious, so I wanted to keep it. She debated for a while, but eventually she decided she couldn’t. I supported her because it was ultimately her decision. Several days after that, she asked that we take a break. I understood because I knew she had been through a lot. The past 2 months I had been in contact with her and she kept saying she needed more time. I asked her numerous times if there was anyone else, and she always said no. Recently, I found several pictures of her with a guy on the internet. She had been dating him since January, and I had no idea (the same guy she left me for last year). I was crushed. She is still dating him, but we have been talking. She told me things like, she’ll be back some day.. She isn’t in love with him.. She doesn’t know what she wants. But in the pictures, there were cheesy love comments back and forth from the two of them. I don’t know what to think.. I can’t move on because I love her too much and I want to help her, but it isn’t fair to me. What is the best way to proceed? Is she coming back? IF she does, how do I know it won’t happen again. SHE DATED SOMEONE 2 WEEKS AFTER THE ABORTION! So messed up. Any help would be appreciated.

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Dude March 18, 2013 at 11:49 pm

I’ve known this girl for 10 years. She always had a crush on me but to me she was just a nice girl. We always talked on and off and we ended up being really good friends, A few years back she was dating some dude and started ignoring me so I deleted her from facebook. Months passed, she added me and apologized and we started talking again. Fast forward to last May when she told me she was sick and and had to get surgery. From that point on I’m pretty sure this the only girl I’ve ever felt strong feelings for. I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend, straight up, and she replied “…but I’m crazy”. She then told me her last boyfriend forced her to have sex with her and made her have 2 abortions. She couldn’t trust guys anymore and that’s why she couldn’t get into any relationships. At this point I’m thinking I should be her knight in shining armor, but that obviously didn’t work out. She ended up moving away because everything and everyone around here always stressed her out. I thought we would still keep in touch but she ended up ignoring me again. To make matters worse, I saw her in a pic with her ex. She didn’t post it or anything, but I ended up finding one. Now I’m thinking she purposely got pregnant in order to keep him. She also told me some other stuff which helps her fit the BPD profile. She goes to therapy and claims she is bi-polar. This sweet girl I once knew had these skeletons in the closet I never knew she could have. I’m not as hung up on her as I once was, but I still think about her all the time…well, more often than I would like to, anyway. I don’t even really want her to be my girlfriend anymore. i just want to be friends again. Not looking for any advice or anything, just wanted to let some stuff out. Thanks.

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steven alvarado April 2, 2013 at 12:23 am

hi my name is steven just a week ago i found out that my ex has bpd we have been apart 2 months and i want her back i have a very similar story to you and i grew sooooo much from this girl i went from imature to shit idk i see everything so different now anyway im unconditionally in love with her i dont have in me give up even tho i have been to hell and back a million times. she has no clue what she has she just thinks shes nuts depressed ect.. i dont know how to go about telling her? i havent spoken to her for about a couple weeks last time we talked she wanted sex it was Amazing at that time she was saying she would marry me a day later she wants nothing to do with me.. we have dated for over 2 years.. i have a pretty good feeling she will come back because she has this pattern.. but what i really need to know is how do i tell her and what can i do at this point?

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Rick April 11, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Can’t do anything at this point because it’s up to her whether she’ll come back or not. No words or anything you do will bring her around at this point. You can text her sometime when you’re off doing something (going to the beach or whatever) but other than that, no amount of sweet talking will bring her around.

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Samu April 5, 2013 at 1:55 am

I have dated a bdp-girl who I diagnosed myself without education. We have been living together since last summer. I am a karaoke-host and she always wants to come to my workplace and very rarely wants to be lefted alone home. She loves to drink in different bars and she only needs like 4 drinks to change her behavior very aggressive violent selfdestructive. It starts usually when I am returning home from my workplace. I have saved her life so many times. Her mother is also bpd and she blames me for her drinking and the little violence I have used in the worst moment of our relationship. Still the violence I have used is only 10% of the violence she as used on me. Her mother is religious and says that there is a demon is me. She doesn`t believe that I have saved her daughters life many times. My girlfriend also gets horny for my songs and sometimes starts touching me sexual way during my work. If I try to stop her she things that I don`t care about her and goes to talk all the strangers in train flirting and saying very bad things about me. I still keep letting her to come to the bar I am working, but nowadays I make her to eat some antabus to make her drinking impossible. I like her much more when she is clean and can control her at least somehow.

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Rob April 7, 2013 at 8:09 am

Hey Rick,
You seem to have a great understanding of these women and their responses.
What do you think of this – Im pretty convinced she’s BPD/Bipolar and extremely Narcassistic, would be interested to hear your thoughts:
I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago after 1 1/2 yrs and a year of living together. Shes 26 very hot is a model, great fun, Im 38 tall good looking educated good job etc. Met through friends had a full fairy tale story everyone on our side etc.
She could be the sweetest most complimentry girfriend Ive ever had, always told me how much she loved me and how happy she was to have me etc. But she would frequently get very upset over small things and become childish in trying to solve them, context normally that I didn’t care enough or only saw her as temporarily in my life. Would be difficult then 2 days later like nothing ever happened. Would constantly tell me I didn’t love her. Apparently because I didn’t buy her enough flowers etc – I did alot for her looked after her and bankrolled most of her life, but not enough. Sex was great, maybe became routinely great, then she would complain because I didn’t chase/seduce her enough so would refuse me sex, got confusing. I was generous but wouldn’t run after her too much in fear of being too easy/pushover. She took it to mean I didn’t love her, she said she felt the relationship wasn’t passionate enough.
She got another basic job that she couldn’t handle, fought with everyone at work etc. Ended up depressed, she broke up with me. I
m in love with her, tried to get her back every way, not even close to luck. Turns out she’s now dating a 52 year old Asian guy who buys her flowers all the time and takes her to every one of her jobs and school, and it makes her feel special as a woman, even though she hated Asians and thought it should be illegal for people to have kids when they were older to protect the kids.
Her Dad was in the KGB and drank himself to death when she was 4, and she always felt neglected by her Mom.
Lucky me!
Once again, great job, thanks!
Rob

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Rob April 19, 2013 at 4:40 pm

I have read everything on here, and it all makes more sense now; MY fiancee left me 7 weeks ago , and 6 weeks before our wedding. Everything had been planned, and all through the relationship, I couldnt figure out what was going on. Upon me going to a counselor for understanding, and talking to her own brother, it is very clear she had BPD with narcissism, but I did not realize this until after she left. I thought it was just anxiety and being difficult. I beat myself up during and after trying to figure out what I could have done more or better. I still love her very much,, and after she left, she has not contacted me once. I sent her a letter about a month ago, told her I still love her, and got nothing. She was always wanting me to “put her in her place” also during the relationship. I tend to be more laid back and dont like to argue, but it caused many arguments. I wonder if I had been more stern and confident in how I handled her if it would have made a difference. I still love her, and would be there for her to work throught it. The days that were “normal” were fantastic, but when mrs. hyde came out, hold on to your head…..very challenging and tough…

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Rick April 20, 2013 at 9:29 pm

When you’re dating people that are very emotional (such as BPD and whatnot), you just can’t sit back and be passive. It simply doesn’t work for these types of relationships. They need someone that’s more than just a lover – they need both a lover and a father figure. Someone that’s not afraid to put them in their place. The problems that most people have in these relationships is that they sit back like you and let things go, they’re afraid to argue, etc. Now arguing has both it’s positives and negatives and I don’t want to get into that, but just keep in mind that you can’t be passive when you date people like this. In fact, you can’t be passive in ANY relationship. It just creates a toxic environment over time. Like your ex said, she needs you to put her in her place. I’ve heard that one multiple times from ex’s and I never understood it at the time. Now I know exactly what they mean. They WANT you to get aggressive and heated when they’re pissing you off.

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Amie June 11, 2013 at 4:00 pm

I think the term ” put her in her place”, is a bit demeaning. It is more on the lines that BPD’s need structure. So if they are in a relationship with someone who can find the balance of giving them independence and structure without acting like they are their slaves there can be a happy medium.

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Rick June 12, 2013 at 4:38 am

We both know that girls love love love a man that stands up to them and calls them out on their bullshit. That’s what ‘putting her in her place’ means. If you feel that’s demeaning, then may the gods help you.

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Amie June 17, 2013 at 9:28 am

Gods? First of all it’s natural for a man to think that’s the case with women in general. You’re dealing with one aspect of a woman. Women like structure but in no way does she need this from a man.

Roman June 6, 2013 at 7:22 pm

Do I even lift? Yes. Are you implying that you need a rock hard body to me an alpha male lol. In any case, these women cheat even if they have it made, like you said, they just like the chase, like one of the guys.

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Rick June 6, 2013 at 8:06 pm

True alpha males are actually a bane in society, they fail miserably in relationships and deteriorate into their 30′s. It’s much better to apply some of the alpha attitude into your life and leave out the retardedness that is pure alpha male. Am I alpha? Absolutely. Am I a full alpha male? No because I actually strive to be successful and add value to other people’s lives.

In regards to a rock hard body? Don’t believe I mentioned that. Do you have more success with women when you’re in better shape? Duh.

Girls are girls. I guarantee almost every girl that’s attractive has cheated at one point or another. BPD is just a label. They’re not difficult to date, I’ve done it multiple times.

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Steven June 11, 2013 at 2:24 am

Hello Rick. I see many things posted here which are a quite nice description of the kind of relationship I am in now.

I’ve met a girl at university 7 months ago and I totally totally fell in with her at first sight. She was dating back then, and her boyfriend dumped her 1 month after we’ve met.

This is a relationship where I have lost all my manhood and apologise for things which aren’t even my fault (for example, the other day we had a fight because I was studying alot more than her). I cancel appointments with friends because she wants that.

On one day she says that we’ll never be something, the next she says that ‘if’ we would every be something she’d see her shopping and having fun with my sister.

To be honest, I don’t know where I am; And I am totally lost actually. I love her increadibly much, but atm i’m not the real man, i’m just a guy who gets walked over and noone ever finds that attractive.

I would like to change my attitude and friends say that whenever she says that we won’t be something I should just say OK, and leave. All this in order to make her realize that she can’t live without me. BUT I am too afraid to do all these things because the contrast to what we are in now would be day and night.

ah well.
life gets drained out of me

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Amie June 11, 2013 at 3:52 pm

There are different levels of BPD first of all. And it isn’t just a “Mommy” and/or “Daddy issue. It’s a conditional issue from a mental stand point. It’s about regulating the emotions that are heightened more so than, lets say how the normal person would react. Also, it affects not only women but men as well. The facts are true that BPD need independence but still have feelings too such as wanting love, compassion and they can show empathy, love and compassion also. Lets not get too carried away in respect to that the BPD is always at fault here. There are situations that trigar certain emotions. It’s takes a strong SECURE person to handle being in a relationship with a BPD. Good points guy and I’m sure your book has better detail. I’ll conclude for now. Just remember, live for right now, stay away from the past and your future is what it is.

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Rick June 12, 2013 at 4:39 am

Yes, it does take a strong, secure person to handle a BPD. That’s exactly my mission and this website: to build people into strong, secure individuals.

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Justin June 13, 2013 at 6:36 am

Damn Rick,

Talk about an eye opener! I’ve been with a BPD girl for about 10 months now. She had the “father who left, mother who neglected, and terrible failed relationships.” I was always the alpha male; I was nearly engaged to a highly emotional woman until her behavior became unnacceptable that I left and rejected all of her advances. However, my current, gf showered me with praise and I lost who I was. I forgot to be me… her idealization was extremely strong it became almost intoxicating. However, shortly thereafter I began to notice changes in her attitude, moods, and overall behavior. And before I knew it I was on the emotional, verbal and phyical abuse roller coaster. This was nothing like my previous relationship. She then explained to me her past and I forgave her for her behavior. And began my mission to “fix” her. But as I see it just added fuel to the fire. I even moved in at her request; despite many arguments when she would tell me she never wanted me to move in. I finally moved out a month ago… but still the roller coaster continued. I then found your site. Everything you say is 100% correct… I became needy and insecure. I needed to be the “one.” She’s even told me countless times she hates that I am so insecure… and I would come back with “because you put me on an emotional roller coaster.” I wish I knew then what I know now. I needed to be a rock and continue with my life instead of getting caught up with her “issues.” I’m not saying I’m where I need to be… but I’m on my way. I can clearly see that the only thing where she is to blame is that she knows she needs help but refuses to seek it. The rest lays upon me… I had three choices: 1) Man up 2) Man up and leave or 3) Be insecure and cling to her. I choose #3. I do know that going forward this will have made me a better person… with or without her. Thanks Rick!

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Nikoi June 16, 2013 at 9:33 pm

Hello Rick,
I have a question. Being with my BPD girl on and off for 7 years. We didn’t live together. During last pull-push episode decided to do things differently, to make her work harder for the relationship. She tried several times to reestablish contact, but I rejected her. Wanted her to invest more… Now she is not contacting me anymore. Did I mist the moment? My point is to get her back, but for good this time. Did’t want to get her back to easy. Will it be a weakness if I contact her now? Or perhaps I am on better position, after rejecting her in the past? May I have your opinion?

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Rick July 1, 2013 at 5:56 pm

Probably missed your chance. Don’t get upset over it though, it’s probably for the best. Work on actually improving yourself because if you dated a BPD for 7 years, you’ve got your own issues as well. Work on attracting women that are quality (BPD’s / attention whores are not quality women).

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Patrick Stiller June 24, 2013 at 8:08 pm

BPD women don’t respect anyone. They only love themselves! Anyone who spends anytime in a relationship with a BDP will soon realize that the life they had will be sucked out of them. BPDs spend their entire life causing chaos for those around them! They have no ability to listen, because they have the emotional capacity of a child! I dated a BPD for 3 years, she spent the entire time throwing fits, starting fights and then topped it off with a cheating! All the while, telling me she loved me like no other. If you want a peaceful life, stay away!

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Rick July 1, 2013 at 5:52 pm

You’re almost right but your fundamentals are off. The truth is that they don’t respect themselves one bit, nor love themselves at all. So you have it backwards. If you don’t love yourself, if you don’t respect yourself then there’s no way you’re going to be able to respect your partner. This is the same issue with ‘nice guys’ and why they fail with women – they don’t like themselves, they don’t respect themselves so they pretend to be surface level ‘nice’ to get girls but really they are angry deep inside and thus always fail with women.

Well they don’t always fail. Nice guys tend to always date BPD’s! And as I always say, you are what you project! So when you’re a ‘nice guy’ which means you’re actually angry and insecure deep inside, you only attract girls that are like that as well :D hence why you keep dating BPD’s lol.

Man I am full of truth bombs today

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ken July 13, 2013 at 4:14 pm

While I agree with most of what you have to say Rick. There are some women with BPD that are at the extreme of the disorder and your methods, though well meaning and informative, simply will not work! I dated one woman that was so over the top that after just a month I had to just end it and walk away. Her uncontrollable rage issues were bordering on psychotic but she refused to seek help. You can’t help someone who can’t or won’t help themselves. All of the women that I have known with BPD grew up with a mother that berated them, cussed them, made them feel inferior and unworthy of her love. I dated one young women who was very attractive and she won first runner up in a state beauty contest. She was so happy then her Mother said “Well I guess you weren’t good enough to win first place.”What kind of Mother says that to her daughter. All of the women that I have known with BPD had Mothers that were abusive to them in varying degrees. Most all of them tend to be very attractive and seductive but the pretty wrapper hides the nightmare within. Being in a relationship with a women with BPD is a physically and mentally draining rollercoaster ride. You MUST set your boundaries early in the relationship and keep them firmly! If you are not a strong willed person. You will be sucked into the vortex and drained of your very soul and left withered in the dirt. You can have a successful relationship with a woman with BPD but without professional help, set boundaries and alot of patience, love and understanding your relationship is doomed.

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Rick July 30, 2013 at 9:06 pm

Yes these are the women that are beyond BPD. They’ve got other issues that simply aren’t worth your time to invest. I set my boundaries extremely early which is key. Most guys don’t and then they get owned later on down the road.

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Josh July 17, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Holly is my BPD girlfriend that I live with. She was getting evicted and I let her move in with my mom and me at my moms house with her two children. I was there cause I had two DUI’s. Obviously she was grateful and the sex life was good. Good enough we made a child together. She left during pregnancy. I did my best as a nice guy to deal with the issues but leaving did hurt me and I got angry. But I wanted to be with my.
son and try to fix it. I now realize it can’t be fixejjjjjjjjjd d. Just alot of hard work. I moved us all in to a nice apartment. Sadly with already being hurt her disorder and my anger. I started seeking emotional support with another women. Something I never felt possible to do while in a relationship. It devastated her some of it was talking sexually. But never any further. After all I have done wrong so far with her disorder and the illness in general. Its been bad. But I do want to learn more and work. Im a firm believed in it. I just didn’t take the right path. You pry see this as hopeless and tell me to run. We both don’t know if it will work but im going to go to counseling with her. And see if we even want to put the work in.

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Joe July 23, 2013 at 1:09 pm

Rick,

I was in a relationship with a BDP for the 11 months. There were a lot of red flags right away. We slept together the first night I met her. She said she loved me within two weeks. She was extremely clingy. Right away she told me about sexual trauma at a young age which she blamed her mother for. Her father was non-existent emotionally. She said her siblings were drug addicts and compulsive liars. She didn’t have any friends. She told me she left the men in all her relationships inexplicably, but didn’t know why. She never held a job more than a year, though highly educated. She told me about times she physically attacked her ex-husband over small arguments, and just laughed it off. She had been a cutter, and suffered from bouts of anorexia.

I ignored the red flags because my ego was being stroked. She mirrored all my interests (falsely,) bought me gifts, amazing sex, and seemed like my soul mate.

After 7 months I started to spend more time with her exclusively, and the drama emerged. There was constant turmoil in her life with work, family, finances, ect. She became hot and cold with me. She began testing my boundaries in public. She became extremely jealous (even of family) then flirt with other men and throw it in my face. Then she started drinking heavily, picking fights over nothing and viciously attacked me physically when I tried to leave one night. I no longer recognized her. I drew the line at physical violence and I left for the first time. (She threatened to kill herself so I contacted her family and got out anyway.)

I started to think maybe it was my fault so I went to counseling, read several books, and even got a life coach. She begged me for a second chance, and I gave it to her. Within weeks her old abusive ways returned. I refused to be her victim, and told her I wanted to talk. She knew what was coming and disappeared completely, never even responded to me…thankfully. A week later she was dating someone new. I was hurt, but not surprised since she’d never been single between relationships. I later learned about BDP and it everything clicked. If you see the red flags…run.

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Rick July 30, 2013 at 9:04 pm

Eh, no you just can’t get sucked into the honeymoon phase like you did. You’re basically allowing her to do all these things to you lol. But this girl is beyond BPD obviously with the cutting, anorexia, etc. she obviously needs real medical treatment.

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SERENERABBIT August 21, 2013 at 3:57 am

They say men who survive relationships with BPD women are people who are either doormats or extreme narcissists. I don’t think any sane, rational, normal person would survive someone with BPD.

Which one are you Rick?

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:03 pm

Let me ask you this – do you think any high quality, high profile guys would have any trouble dating a BPD? The answer is no. BPD’s put on there best behavior when they’re dating men that are quality. If they don’t, then the men leave them. That’s that!

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SERENERABBIT September 4, 2013 at 1:26 am

Let me ask you something Rick, do YOU think a high quality, high profile guy would even think about dating a woman like this???

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A August 7, 2014 at 3:48 pm

I have BPD and my boyfriend is a guy like that.

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Rick August 8, 2014 at 5:27 pm

Well I would hope that you would share more of your story with me. Feel free to email me or maybe we can do an interview :)

Jack September 6, 2013 at 3:34 pm

Hi Rick,

I am in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months now. Initially she told me she had anxiety disorder however after 3 months into the relationship (after I already fell in love with her and there were deep feelings involved) I found out that she also suffers from a chronic eating disorder and OCD. Later on I found out she also has BPD.

During the first 3 months, the relationship was PERFECT. We loved and cared about each other. We were even discussing moving in together and buying a house, etc. Her attitude completely changed in the 4th month becoming cruel and almost intentionally trying to hurt me. And about a week ago I found out she’s been having sleepover with her ex boyfriend who previously broke up with her and treated her like crap.

Now initially, I didn’t know about the BPD so I was dealing with her knowing she only had an eating disorder. So I was being very supportive, loving and caring, I was bending backwards for her even when she was having her mood swings.

About a week ago, she asked to have a break from us for a couple of weeks to a month till she sorts out her feelings towards her ex. I respected her wish and never called, txted and seen her since.

I really love the girl and she can be the most caring and loving person when she needs to be…we had such a beautiful relationship. I don’t think the other guy will be able to tolerate her much longer (since the eating disorder affects her sexual desire). So I am thinking of giving it time until he either dumbs her again or she gets bored and dumbs him.

Can you please advise as to how I should proceed now? How can I not be needy or let her walk all over me and be distant while at the same time show her that I care and love her? How can I make her want me and crave me as she did before?
Pleaaassseee help me.

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Well you’ve got to care and love yourself first if you want any success. The reason she’s turned off is that your attractiveness levels are very low and thus she’s not into you. You’ve got to raise these attractiveness levels. My new book Toxicity is all about that so be on the look out for it when it comes out soon.

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contemplative September 7, 2013 at 10:49 am

Female BPD here, in recovery. I haven’t been diagnosed, but after falling in love with a male BPD, I’m self-diagnosing. I’ve actually been more of the kind who turns things inward and blames myself. My “self-harming” consists of oversleeping and an occasional cigarette. I also used to be very promiscuous. It seemed like I always dated two different types of men. One was the man who had a lot of unresolved anger, would push me away when I tried to get close, was very shady, and had a very abusive mother whom he felt obligated to take care of and was a god in bed. The next type of guy would never tell me what his boundaries were or if I had hurt his feelings until after months of holding a grudge, had difficulty performing in bed (I’m not talking about just being inexperienced), and just absolutely bored me to tears.

Then I met Casanova and fell in love. Unfortunately, he was very emotionally dishonest. In the beginning, I stood up to him and called him on his B.S., but that caused him to withdraw, which triggered my abandonment fears. So I’d try to smooth things over, and sometimes it worked, but he was very distrusting. And the more I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and help him and love him, the more he seemed to misinterpret everything as criticism, unless I literally smothered him with compliments. Meanwhile, he started dating some other girl but didn’t tell me. Basically, it was just the most emotionally traumatic 6 months of my life. But it opened my eyes.

Then came the first emotionally stable guy I’ve ever been been with. Although I found him attractive, he wasn’t the kind of guy I would have immediately chosen. When he tried to get close to me, I noticed that suddenly I became critical of him. I decided to ignore that impulse and open up to him. At first, the relationship was all about me. The emotional trauma I endured with Casanova had brought up suppressed memories of childhood trauma, and I was very fragile. Mr. Emotionally Stable listened to all of this, and I was terrified he would run. But he didn’t. In fact, he seemed to like me more. I told him upfront that I never wanted to disrespect his boundaries, but I really needed him to always be honest with me about his feelings and to be very gentle. He agreed. Once, when we were on a date and I began ruminating on the past, he expressed displeasure. I became fearful he would run, but I really respected him for being honest and it helped me to see what I was doing. He was very considerate of my feelings and genuinely wanted to learn to please me in bed. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed that I would burst into tears. I had seriously just never had a man that I was so attracted to take time to learn about me- a guy who cared more about pleasing me than himself. I always made sure to respectfully express to him that it wasn’t anything he had done wrong- that in fact this was very healing for me and that I would get better over time but it would just take a while. We took turns giving each other massages and treating each other to meals. It was very reciprocal.

I found myself really liking and admiring him. He would return texts and answer phone calls and even initiated them himself. This just made me like him more, and I began really wanting to know more about him. As it turns out, there are just some big life circumstances that make it impossible for us to continue dating, and I’ve moved for a job. But he’s still a wonderful friend, and I trust him. I am so thankful that he modeled for me what a healthy relationship feels like. Now I’m single for the first time in years, with no prospects on the horizon, and I’m actually enjoying it. I’m finally learning how to give myself all the love I thought I needed to seek from others.

So, it IS possible for people to recover, but I think it takes a major life crisis/spiritual awakening for someone to really see their own faults clearly. I know I’m a kind, caring person. In fact, I’m generally accused of being “too” kind. My problem was that I didn’t have strong boundaries, because I didn’t love myself enough. Now I’m just not attracted to the kind of men I used to date, because I respect myself way too much to jump through hoops or date a guy who bores me to tears. There IS a happy medium, and that’s a guy who doesn’t need me but wants me anyway- who knows how to communicate emotions in a respectful way. And now I can finally be the kind of woman who can appreciate and attract that kind of man.

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 8:14 pm

Thanks for the awesome story :)

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Alexandra September 7, 2013 at 3:10 pm

In one of your answers you said that BPDs are really attracted to a man that does what he wants. I am BPD, and I hate when my boyfriend gets to do whatever he wants. I want him to be around me all the time. I know I know, before you jump on me (haha) I know I still feel very abandoned and rejected when he does his own thing. I was only just diagnosed with BPD a few months ago and I have a lot to learn. But a lot of the stuff you say should help a relationship just sounds like it helps the man, not the BPD. A lot of the things you say men should do wouldn’t exactly make me feel loved or any better… Maybe I am not understanding fully or maybe I will just get it when I’m healed. But none of this makes me feel positive right now :/

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 8:13 pm

Well my point is that you’re still with your boyfriend right? I am 100% positive that if your boyfriend actually was around you all the time, you’d lose all forms of attraction for him. It’s a scientific fact that humans lose attraction for things we’re around all the time. So while you might feel this way, understand that you’re actually in a good situation! A lot of guys are the opposite of your BF and they try to hang around their gf all the time. She likes it at first but is soon tired of it.

The bigger picture here is that you’re still with your BF and not many other guys can say that :)

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Alan October 17, 2013 at 9:06 pm

Wow. File this under “Now ya tell me.” :)
A year and a half into our relationship and I’m just now researching books and forums to find some answers. Thank you for cutting through the BS and Doc-speak. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to read about behavioral patterns that others have dealt with, and the dawning moment that I’m not alone, or losing my mind (well, jury’s still out on the last one )

Me and my GF, both in our 40′s, both very active with outdoor sports, and both, what I thought, perfectly healthy and well-adjusted. To add a kicker to it all, its a long-distance relationship, being about 70-80 miles apart. Doesn’t sound too bad, but L.A. traffic adds a whole other level of difficulty to that. She works from home, I work M-F. This only leaves weekends, with us alternating who visits who each weekend. I’m more the easy-going, stress and conflict-avoiding, dreaded “nice guy”. And I’m having several facepalm moments while reading your articles here.

We got along great the first couple of months, then I would get a bizarre text from her accusing me of something ridiculous. “Out meeting women tonight? Have fun!!” huh? Or having an extreme reaction to something “minor” while together. “You didn’t take any pictures of us this weekend” followed by F bombs and fighting. She has since used the flight response whenever fights got intense, packing up her things and leaving mid-weekend, regardless of what was planned. In one case she packed up MY things and told me “I had a train to catch”. Yeah. And the whole time I was trying to be rational and talk it out and debate it and argue it. Oops.

We became a sort of running joke with my friends based on how many times we were broken up or together. Not funny. Our current status is apart, and after reading all of this I don’t think I have what it takes to pursue this, sadly. I love her and feel for her and know that she had a shit upbringing from her mother. She’s very aware that she has issues – even commenting things like “Hey we had a good weekend! No meltdowns!” But she mostly shrugs them off to stress, or her birth control pills or other “surface” issues. We discussed therapy but she basically refused and went to a psychic instead.

I’ll wrap this novel up now and just wanted to say thanks for doing what you do. Having this available is a life-changer. Its so much help for us “WTF is going on here???” types. And it also helped shine a light on my co-dependency habits. Yikes. I got some work to do. Thanks again Rick -

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Brandon Montz November 18, 2013 at 4:27 am

I’ve been with a BPD woman (off and on) for a year now. I’d say 9 months if you subtract the times I walked away in order to regain some sense of normalcy and to regain my own mental health. I’m only now starting to stand up and not allow her to walk all over me. Everything is absolute with her. If you do something once then you “always” do it, or if you don’t do something once then you “never” do it. On top of that, she exacerbates and twists situations, stories in order to make herself a victim. Case in point, the times that I have had to flee have made me into the bad guy with her friends and family. The situation as she see’s it is gospel according to her. Now my mistake was that I used to assume ownership and blame in order to try and calm the situation down, but that only caused more frequent breakouts. Now that I do the things that I want in her eyes I am selfish, uncompromising and “set in my ways”. She always worries that I am cheating yet at the same time she tries to make me jealous by threatening to sleep with other people if I do not give her sex. As to that topic, my BPD has to have sex in order to feel that the relationship is progressing and for reassurance that she is pretty, beautiful and worthy of being loved. She is the most sexual girlfriend I have been with but if you retreat from sex for a while all hell breaks loose. She cannot go without it, even for short periods of time without spiraling out. I’m still learning and I can’t honestly say if I will be with this girl much longer. I believe the turning point for me was when she physically attacked me in a rage over not having sex. At that moment I finally drew a line with her and gave her an ultimatum as it pertains to physical abuse. Do it again and spend a night in jail. BPD or not some things cannot be permitted. Anyways, I still pull my hair out sometimes because of the constant drama that comes with the relationship. Even worse, the change between minutes, hours and sometimes days of those moods…

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Rick December 2, 2013 at 3:23 pm

She’s obviously insecure so you just got to ask yourself if you’re willing to stick around with such an insecure girl for the long haul. I would dump her just because of the fact that if you were to travel for a few weeks, she’d probably find some other guy to nail while you’re gone. She obviously has much maturing to do so this is one of those tricky situations. You need to get the ball back in your court and sky rocket your attractiveness so she’s not even thinking of other guys out there. She really needs to understand that you’re the boss and you can really get this point across in the bedroom…

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Adam December 9, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Wow, just wow. I wish I had found your site the day my BPD girl (now ex as of 2 weeks ago) and I met. My story reads like the rest. I am proud that I managed to stay with her for two years, the most exciting and mentally exhausting two years of my life. The initial “infatuation” stage was fucking incredible, the sex was amazing, and she is a model completely out of my league. I was down at the time, and depressed. She prolly saw me as an easy mark. Anyway, the honeymoon lasted 3 or months lots of sex, and booze. Then the push/pull, love/hate began. We moved in together for 5 months, which was a complete debacle, she hated me during this time HATE. I Moved out, but we continued dating. I would stay over for three or so nights, then she would throw me out. I made the the mistake of begging, pleading, trying to reason with her. Eventually she would come around after a couple days, but her coldness only grew more frequent and the verbal abuse more brutal. Then the cheating started. She slept her way through her ex boyfriends, always rationalizing it, blaming me for cheating on her (I never did). Then about six months ago she decided that we were just dating, and not her boyfriend and was open that she was going to MAYBE see other people and I should to. I agreed like a chump, but would beg and cry every time she would run off. In response she would say things like ” I’ll try not to again, I love you, I don’t want you out of my life, I can’t help it, I feel suffocated” in her defense she told me in the beginning not to get attached and she hated relationships. But her actions didn’t match up, she would tell me how much loved me. She always wanted to be with me. I felt like a God in the beginning, I thought that I would be different than all the Ex’s she left in her wake (that she loved to talk about ALL THE TIME). Of course I’m not different. The situation worsened a few months ago; She called the cops, she became even more paranoid, she broke my laptop, the sex became less frequent (but still amazing). Two weeks ago she went into a rage after a decent night together, I left. She wouldn’t reply for 5 days. I of course like a chump, emailed numerous times, how much I love her, miss her, and would take care of her. She replied that she didn’t love me anymore and now didn’t want to date me EVER … And to die. She went silent again, I continued to email for a few days, then stumbled across your site. After reading though your site, I emailed her that if she wanted to end it, I was sorry, but her choice. Then went NC For a couple days. Well, low and behold, she emails asking me to come over and rub her back, which I said maybe this week, but not tonight. Finally, she emailed me today and said, she’s busy all week, AND maybe Friday. I’m so fucking lost, I feel crazy. My gut is saying, run and no contact. But my heart says try. After two years it’s hard to let go, but I feel that I’m in love with a fantasy, what we were In the beginning. Not to mention I miss the sex, again the best ever, and I’ve dated my share of woman. What should I do? I’m a wreck, DUI (with her), lost my job, my self esteem is shattered. I can’t stop thinking about her and hoping we can fix our shit. I know you said if you don’t set boundaries in the begging it’s going to be near impossible later. Any chance? Should I contact her Friday? Sorry for rambling bro, so much I want to explain, I’m sure you have heard and seen it all though! I think I’m codependent. So when I can scrape up the doe I’m buying your books for sure as I’ll prolly end up here again. What can say, I like em pretty, sexy and crazy. Thanks in advance if you reply.

Sincerely,
Growing some balls

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Franklin December 16, 2013 at 11:53 am

I am currently going through a break up with a girl I suspect to have BPD and I am looking for help in how to best reach back out to her after giving her the space she said she needed. We had been talking for 4 months and official for 4 months as well. From what I’ve learned from her past, is that she does not have a past. She eliminates both girls and guys and moves to the next group of friends. On top of all this she was previously married and never told me. I would like to both gain a better sense of closure while also expressing my desire to be there in whatever she is going through.

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Dan January 18, 2014 at 11:05 am

I’m dealing with a bpd now. After a torrid, confusing three months she cooled it and we’re behaving as friends now for the most part. I give her support when she needs it and space when she needs it. I can do that because I figured out on my own she had the disorder, started understanding her, and I care about her. I have two points.

If a man chooses to deal with someone with this affliction good for him. However even a well functioning bpd can be a lot to take on especially if you have stress in your own life. There is nothing wrong with someone for simply saying get out of my life.

Second Bpds are pretty smart and good at only giving you part of the story. My ex hid a lot fromme including a pill problem. I recently figured this out and at some point I will have to pull back all the way because I don’t want to see the end result.

I bring this up because it’s often difficult to know what exactly you’re dealing with. If someone feels blindsided by the complications they cause it’s not their fault.

My main point is that I don’t blame anyone for not having the patience or energy to deal with what’s a pretty complicated issue. I’m surprised and proud of myself I do. You are right on one thing, Rick. You do learn a lot about yourself!

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 2:06 am

Thanks for the good comment. You just got to go with the flow really. It’s up to them to tell you the truth. Again, always focus on your own self and don’t let your partner obsess your thoughts or you will be doomed. BPD’s are people too so you have to understand that they’ve got shit going on – but that doesn’t mean you become a pushover and start letting them push you around and treat you like dirt. BPD’s will constantly test you for STRENGTH because they need that in their life.

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Michelle February 15, 2014 at 3:00 pm

Hi Rick,
I have stumbled upon your site while looking for some advice on how to deal with my BPD boyfriend of 2 yrs. I have found some interesting things on co-dependency which had not occurred to me previously and will be putting your advice into action. My boyfriend and I fight all the time and I think it’s mostly my fault for not setting boundaries early on. We have broken up a couple times but only more recently have I been thinking seriously about making this permanent. He has lived with me on and off for most of our relationship and hasn’t had a job since we’ve been together. He has had occasional days here and there and has been very eager to work when it comes up so I do believe he is trying. He doesn’t seem to understand why I want him to do certain things – like clean up after himself in my house – and although he tries to pull his own weight for a week he will go right back to doing nothing the next week. When we fight about this – usually after me asking him to do some housework – he will hurl abuse at me before storming off for a day or two. I have made it clear I do not like this behaviour and he doesn’t usually insult me as much now, although has the occasional relapse, like today. My question however is about the male / female divide on this one – in your posts you talk about being a MAN as no women want a nice guy – while I can see your logic, surely the same doesn’t apply to women with BPD boyfriends? I’m fairly sure men WANT a nice girl to be with, but how can I re-establish boundaries and win back the 50/50 effort split if I’m too nice? If you could email me I would greatly appreciate it.

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Rick March 9, 2014 at 9:27 pm

My advice for women that are dealing with a crazy boyfriend is to limit yourself around him. I know a lot of women that go out of there way to really help out the boyfriend, but it never gets reciprocated or appreciated mainly due to the fact that the guy is crazy, lo;. So, you really shouldn’t be doing favors for people, even lovers, that aren’t appreciative of things. Deep down it’s really you disrespecting yourself because you feel that you’re not worth anything so you keep helping someone that doesn’t deserve it.

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John March 3, 2014 at 10:25 am

Hi Rick, I was hoping to gain a little more insight of some issues I’ve been experiencing with my girlfriend here of late. I’ve been reading about what you have said about BPD and some of it seems to be making sense with my case, but I was wanting to hear some opinions from someone like yourself. So my story begins with this beautiful girl I met online. At first we just did some light talk back and forth, but as time went on (about a week or so) we exchanged numbers and began talking about a potential relationship. We talked about our interests and similarities via text and phone conversation for about a week. By the time that Saturday came, I asked her to be my girlfriend and we became a happy couple for about 5 weeks. I could tell she was really happy to be mine and I was really happy to be hers. We even exchanged how much we love each other over this 5 week period and life was great for the two of us until just recently. I noticed she started becoming very distant and said she was too busy to or too tired to talk to me or see me (she had an intense week of midterms to study for). Very recent ago, as in about 2-3 days ago, she said she wanted a “break” to see if what we had was real. I was a bit shocked to her this from her because it felt very real to me, but I respected her decision to do want to do so. I started noticing today though that she changed her status and is even starting to delete pics of us off of the internet. Respecting her decision to want to take a break, I have not yet contacted her about this. She has a painful past with other guys cheating on her and with the death of her father within these past couple of years. I told I have never had a girlfriend before, but I would never in the right mind do anything that could hurt her. She still claims she loves me though. What should I do in this situation? Do you think she has BPD? I am just very nervous and hurt because I don’t want to lose someone as special as her. Thanks for any help or advice.

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John March 3, 2014 at 10:42 am

Also forgot to mention she was extremely homesick and that her father that passed away was abusive towards her and her mother

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Vic May 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm

Hi Rick, came across your page and seeking some insight and help. I’ve been a same sex relationship for 3 years( known each for almost 8). He moved almost 1000 miles to
I’ve with me. During the time we spoke long distance it was as if we had known each other for years and for me I knew we would one day be together. Over the years he blew me off many times after seeming so interested ect. After we moved in together I came to the realization that he was hiding many secrets from me and wasn’t the person who he made himself seem to be. I guess this was me being naive and me wanting to believe in love. He was addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn/sex. He grew up in a broken family and was verbally and physically abused as a child and adult. I tried to become his helper and caregiver. The first year was the roughest. Very abusive and violent behavior on his part and I took it. At one point I was fed up and told he if he didn’t stop using his drug of choice/stopped drinking/ and porn I would leave. He stopped all. This is my question and concern. Did he stop for me or did he come to the realization that there was something wrong? He says he was afraid of losing me. He has switched from his drug of choice to another drug with an opposite effect and still has his crazy moments and is verbally abusive and threatening and says I’m controlling. But then he come to the realization that was he did was wrong and apologizes. I have distanced myself. What I think and I may be wrong and hope you can clarify is that by him changing his ways for me and trying to be someone he isn’t for me is making him very unhappy so he turned to other forms of drugs that I’m kind of ok with. I sense he is very unhappy and that makes me very unhappy and miserable. I don’t know where to go from here.

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Rick June 4, 2014 at 2:37 pm

Well for one, it’s not your job to change people. People never change, it’s something you have to accept. Now that doesn’t mean he’ll be a drug user forever. It simply means that his personality is what it is. Drugs are a choice, but who he is is not a choice. Just like you being gay. Is that really a choice? No. Same with his personality disorder. It developed over the years and he is who he is. So, I think it’s very good that your drew the line in the sand and told him what you will and will not tolerate. You must keep doing this. BPD’s like it when you give them rules to follow. They basically need a father-like figure in their life.

If he’s unhappy when he’s sober, then that is a whole different issue right there. That’s just due to addiction, it happens to people all the time. But you just have to keep letting him know that you won’t be with someone that’s into drugs and alcohol. I’m the same way. I won’t hesitate to leave a girl if she’s abusing her body.

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Omar August 8, 2014 at 5:19 pm

Hey Rick first I want to thank for providing some very useful info about dating a bpd. My relationship with a bpd just ended. My bpd gf actually was the one that broke up with me due to the constant fights, she said she needed space for now because she doesn’t know how to talk to me without having to bite my head off. She said she wanted to work on herself before she tries to get back with me, so I guess she kind of acknowledged that she has some type of problem. Any who, during this break I was really giving her space, I wasn’t calling or texting her at all although if she did initiate the contact I would respond but I would be very short with her, which turned out to upset her. Not only that but during this time I found out that she was actually cheating on me with her ex boyfriend I even provided her with the evidence and she still has the nerve to deny it!!! That’s not the first time she tries to force a lie into me. I don’t understand why they can’t just be honest even after getting caught lying. This is what makes me feel that these women really are bad people, these people aren’t stupid, they know very clear the difference between right and wrong. Did you ever experience this particular aspect of bpd with your exes? You state that it’s possible to date these women but their crazy ways of trying to force lies into being the “truth” makes me think otherwise. She left me in a very bad emotional state I’m currently under therapy for depression, I’m lacking a lot of motivation within myself because of the constant abuse. Prior to meeting her I was a healthy 24 year old male full of self confidence, she made my life a total wreck.

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Rick August 8, 2014 at 5:25 pm

Yes my first BPD relationships ended like that, just cheating behind my back. It is what it is man and it’s NOT just a BPD thing so don’t let that be an excuse. People in general lie and cheat, it just is what it is. It’s why I teach men and women to first improve themselves and be great so that you can filter out the low quality people from high quality, people you can trust. Thanks for your comment :)

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Line August 11, 2014 at 6:23 pm

Hi,
I have just recently realized that I was having a fling… or something with a male borderliner. So naturally I did everything wrong. It was fuld of drama… but I kind of liked a little drama. I am passionate.
I dont think he knows he is bdp. But is aware that he has a different personality. Thats ok with me, cause it seems like he is working with him self to controle the impulses and are aware of them. And I like that he Challengs me and the powerstruggle.
I dont really know what i was doing right or wrong in the relationship, but was able to get him to come back. No matter how many times i broke it off with him. I am a successfull, attractive and very strong woman. i dont say yes to anything that i dont want. And he seeks controle over me constantly. And pules away when i dont give it to him. And at the same time pules away when i do try to give a little.
He seems extremely in love and fashinated with me when he is with me… and I have overheard him saying ” i dont know what it is about that woman… but everytime I see her, it just says kaboom. Talks and behave as though we are a couple, Even though i have told him we are not. And he needs to date me if he want that to bee the case and spend time with me.
Also i cant get him to agree just to have a fling or bedste friends with benefits. It seems like he want that… but Falls in love with me everytime he is with me… and I think i make ham in secure and nervous.
But he pushes me away when i have slept with him. He always makes half dates appointments when we are together and are all exitement. .. only to ignore Them afterwards and if i try to make one he withdraws and gives me the silent treatment. I cant seem to make him spend time with me other than… No matter what i do. I realized it is My fault, cause in the beginning I just wanted just that. Buisy life, independent woman and all that.
But now i am curious and want too see i we can make it work for real. But I am a fraid to give in to him and declare him My boyfriend. .. It seems as though that is what he want me to. But at the same time it Also seems as though it is more of a accomplishment thing for him. He has very low selfasteem, so I am wurried he just want the boost and the Will move on as soon as i have given in.

I have been reading up on bdp and fear of abandonment. So I am trying something different. In stead of get mad and brake it off when he is behaving bad towards me, i am just telling him that i ned a break, explaines what he did wrong and that it doesent meen that i dont care for him or want to Hurt or manipulate him. But that i dont want to BeAround him, when he treats me bad. That we are still friends and that we can talk when he is back to normal. Is that a mistake? Will that just make him think that i am secured and loose interest?
Also I could use some info, like this article, just where the genders are reversed.

Really Hope you can help. And sorry for the misspelling, im danish. And he is turkish back grund. .So dont know how much is cultural and if it makes a difference.

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Rick August 12, 2014 at 7:47 pm

I am going to be releasing an article like this for dating a male BPD. Basically what you’ve described has really hit it on the head well. And as you know, if you try to throw an ultimatum or get angry or try to control him, he’s just going to pull away. So you really need to step outside of the normal dating game that you’re used to and start playing the game in a way which he is used to playing it.

Let me ask you this, have you ever asked him about his exes? It’s very important that you learn about his relationship history, learned what his exes were like that he was actually attached to, learn what made him want to be with his ex girlfriends consistently. You’ll learn a lot from this! There’s a lot more to cover but it will be in the article :)

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Rayette August 20, 2014 at 10:43 pm

My name is Rayette, and I have BPD. I was diagnosed last June. I have a girlfriend who wants to understand my disorder. I am in college, and sometimes, I just need space. Is that normal? I also am visually impaired which makes having bpd even harder because I can’t see the looks on people’s faces. My family doesn’t want to understand my disorder which makes it hard to get along with them. Any help would be appreciated. I also struggle with self-harm…

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Rick August 22, 2014 at 7:39 pm

Hi Rayette, yes wanting space is perfectly normal! It’s called being independent :) I am a very independent guy so like you, I like to have my alone time and be an introvert at times. There’s nothing wrong with this so don’t feel bad. If your partner makes you feel bad about that, then that’s a fault of her own. She should understand that being needy is unhealthy, which more people are.

As for your family, that sucks but I understand you as well. My family doesn’t understand my path in life either. I dropped out of college to pursue my own entrepreneur businesses and projects. Now I run this website full-time. They still don’t get it. So you just gotta do what you want to do! Don’t let criticism take you down, even if it’s from people that are supposed to love and support you. I’ve never had a solid support system but that’s okay, just do your thing and let them say what they want. Haters gonna hate!

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JA August 22, 2014 at 8:03 am

I dated and married a BPD women who had undergone a significant amount of psychological counseling before we met. What I learned after 17 years of marriage is that it trained her to cover up and hide her issues. I heard family stories of her teenage years and she blamed them on her Mother, parents divorce, etc. Her Mother definitely has BPD.

She learned to bury her issues in her work , attained PhD and had a great career. After a number of years of marriage, things got stressful at work and she started having anxiety about aging when she was close to 50. She went through a midlife crisis, but as I discovered, really became who she already was. She did a lot of crazy things and I am now trying to finish a divorce without setting her off again for the sake of my kids. She started the process five years ago.

Because of this, I have a number of issues I’m dealing with from her and a kid who has the same issues she had. My advice, if you have the stamina to deal with this, it’s your choice and I make no judgement on a man who has this situation. Just remember, some of these issues are genetic and if you have kids, they may have the same issues and you’ll be dealing with double the stress.

I never saw any of this coming and I would not have chosen this situation if I had known the issues. Call me weak or whatever. I will now never remarry and will maintain only physical relationships. I’ll admit I was probably a beta male initially, but have become complete alpha at this point and am not sucked in by what seems like a lot of crazy available females at my age.

I also now theorize that Alphas are emotionally detached little kids who were hurt at some point and protect themselves by acting hardened and being able to walk away and not becoming emotionally connected in a relationship.

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Rick August 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm

Hey JA this is a great comment, I really thank you for this.

I completely agree with you. ‘Alpha Males’ as most men talk about it are really just butt hurt betas trying to hide their weakness. A true alpha male is one that is in complete control over their emotions, they’re like in a state of zen, nothing can knock them off their rock. But they aren’t out there advertising their badass rock. They just move through life creating their own path and minding their own business. No amount of criticism can knock them down.

Quality women love real alpha males as I described above. Insecure women love the fake alpha male. These relationships always fail. BPD’s fall for the fake alpha male as well as the beta male because they want both that overaggressive alpha (it fills their daddy issues) as well as the nurturing side of the beta (fills their mommy issues).

Bro, don’t feel bad. I know it sucks. But shit I commend you for taking responsibility. You’re doing an amazing thing right there. Your experience just is what it is. You’ve got kids now so your job is to be a badass father that will build them into strong men and women.

Teach them what you’ve learned about relationships. Never bad talk the mother. Teach your kids to constantly be searching for that inner strength and peace, teach them to believe in themselves, teach them about inner confidence, strong core values, etc. NEVER put down your kids, always support their endeavors. As the man, you can provide everything your kid needs, even the nurturing side of things. Wrestle with your sons, tell your daughters how much you want to cuddle them and then tickle them for fun, just be there. Like if your son comes to you and says Daddy I want to be an astronaut. This is that rare time when you man up and you tell him ‘Son, you’ve got a world of life ahead of you. If you want to be an astronaut, then let’s do it.’ It’s no matter what they do, you support and help. That’s called being a badass dad.

- Rick

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Marc September 15, 2014 at 1:10 am

Hey Rick,

I’ve been dating a bpd girl for about a year now and yeah we live together…or lived. I’m not sure what’s goin on right now to be honest. Anyways…

Most of our fights comes when she’s super depressed (which is daily…). Most of the time i ask her ”what’s wrong?” and she says ”I don’t know”. Unfortunatly at first when she was telling me that i would comfort her until i realised she was crying about her ex. I stopped once i realised it and didn’t want to comfort her until she gave me a good reason, which seriously annoys her. And it’s most likely understandable. At first i was trying to be nice to her and everything until she got ”raped” by her ex i started to lose what I had for her. She NEVER did anything like that again, because i made it clear i’d leave next time and I wouldn’t lose my time.

But still, since then my love for her kinda went down a bit. Other things like that is when she asked me to go sleep at another man’s house, a childhood friend. I said ”Do it, but don’t expect me to like it. You know what’s gonna happen…” so she threw a fit….She didn’t go but we got into so many arguments it was a mess. I usually keep my calm and try to stay neutral. But all she does is say I’m like her ex that raped her and I should be friend with her ex. She says some really meanful things and I have been warning her constantly that if she cannot talk to me properly I won’t just sit around and patiently wait till she’s done. If something doesn’t go her way she gets pissy and moody, or depressed…But still says I’m the best man she had, that she stopped thinking about suicide and self harming herself because of me.

We’ve been appart for about 2 weeks now, I needed some serious space and think about myself…Too much is just too much when i try to stay neutral in all of this and hearing her say that im a jerk, a stupid person and anything that could hurt me (I tell her calmly I won’t stand insults and if she keeps on insulting i’ll stop talking to her…) and yesterday she did it again insulting me and everything..blaming me for the way she feels now (because we’re appart) and blaming everything on me, trying to make me feel sad for the way she’s feeling…How about what ‘I’ feel?? So I told her that I warned her multiple times and this time was the last one, it was over…

It’s rough…I don’t even know if I’m taking the right decision, because obviously I do love her. But as strong as i can emotionally be, she’s getting to me and I was thinking that I should think about myself a little bit and work on things i can work on…She always rejected any kind of support I offered, she says she just wants a hug and doesn’t want me to get in her emotional life…I find that silly to be honest. As much as i know there should be boundaries into a person’s life, Her emotional life was affecting the both of us and my first reaction was try to help her so we could both be happy at some point…But she told me she tried everything, not even therapy could actually help her and nothing that I could offer would help her…(She was apparently rated 10/10 BPD, in montreal)

So tell me, am I actually doing the right thing…? Oh right…and she’s pregnant, Going to give birth in 2 weeks. Gotta love when condoms break! She loves trying to make me feel bad about taking the decision to leave her and tries to put our child in the picture about it, that i’m already a bad father and would never be any good to our child for leaving her…

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Rick September 18, 2014 at 2:01 pm

Ok well first of all, I would stop asking her so much about what’s wrong. It’s pretty obvious here what’s wrong, she’s unhappy and doesn’t like her current life situation. What you need to do is get control over your emotions which I’ve written about recently. The common problem with these types of people is that their problems and ‘disorder’ rule the relationship. As the man, you need to smash those problems. You need to be bigger than them, unaffected by them. You need to develop the skills to either fight back and smash her arguments, learn when to ignore and not get into a fight, learn when to walk away and not be afraid to lose her. These are all vital skills that when used correctly, even the most dramatic people will highly respect you. Thanks for commenting!

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Bob September 22, 2014 at 6:22 am

Hey Rick. I broke up with my live-in girlfriend of 2.5 years almost a month ago. Since she had kids and no place to go, she stayed with me for a week and then moved out. Things went very badly when she left. A friend of mine ended up helping us work some things out and I believed we’d reconcile. She’d told me she couldn’t be in a relationship because she needed to work on herself and I’d always been here focus and if I became her focus again, she wouldn’t be able to focus in herself. She said she wasn’t going to live or date anyone, so she could focus on herself and her kids. We talked over the last three weeks and things seemed to be going well and then boom, she says, “I’m in love with DBAG.”

I started doing some digging and she’d been talking to DBAG for a couple months. She’s also built up a huge story that I was abusing her and got all her friends onboard. Me and my friends have caught her in many huge lies. DBAG contacted me and said to go away. I told him, she wanted to reconcile. I showed him proof and he called me a psycho. I’ve since broken off all contact; I’m not a psycho and need peace in my life.

She and I were “friends” on and off for years before we dated. She always seemed to be with someone. I found out that, while she was with me, she was actively texting a lot of other guys. I have an intense and stressful job that requires long hours. My time with her definitely damaged my career and relationships. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with a BPD and their moods and never-ending neediness. I think she may be BPD and bipolar.

She has made me the bad guy for her life and I know she’ll never come back and it’s probably best that she doesn’t, as she sees no issues with her behavior. What I need is to know how to heal and move on. I love her and feel bad for her, so it’s been tough.

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Rick September 30, 2014 at 5:13 pm

The way to heal is to be honest with yourself. Why do you love her? What is it about her that you love? Is this love out of your own neediness and lack of self love? Since it probably is, you need to work on your own self here and learn to just enjoy yourself without the needs of others. I’m not saying to isolate yourself off from the world, but happiness only comes from within. You cannot find happiness in others, that’s called codependency and we all know how that turns out…

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Daddy October 23, 2014 at 11:23 pm

Dude I’m sorry but this is crap. It doesn’t matter how Alpha you are, BPD is not just a little attitude problem, these girls are fucked up. And I know that sounds harsh but honestly it doesn’t matter who you are, to them you are just a hot guy or whatever and soon they’ll have met another and moved on. It is not smart to let yourself love these type of women. Look at the successful seductresses throughout history who without a doubt had BPD or some bullshit.. Cleopatra manipulated and destroyed Julius Ceasar and Marc Antony. Turned there life upside down. How about Josephine and Napoleon… You don’t think that guy had emotional control!!?? He’s the most powerful war leader in history and she ruined him. Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe, they had the worst chaotic relationship ever and Star baseball stud DiMaggio never got over Monroe his whole life. You don’t think he was a fuckin alpha male!?? Get your head out of your ass and quit making these guys think it’s all theyir fault for having a crazy relationship with a crazy bitch. Just my very expensive 2 cents. And yes I’ve had experience with all kinds of different women, I’ve dated strippers, good girls, etc. and BPD girls are WAAAAAY different. And it’s not your responsibility to try and fix yourself to handle THEIR problems.

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Rick October 24, 2014 at 5:08 pm

All those guys you mentioned weren’t alpha at all when it came to relationships. They were used to women being purely submissive because they were oh so powerful men. Then a woman comes thru that they can’t control. And they become weaklings, easily controlled. And yet you label a woman that has this control and independence as a BPD? Please…

Marilyn Monroe had issues because every single man in her life saw her as a sex symbol. So naturally her response to that is to not be controlled by any means, to not give in to this view when it came to relationships. She wasn’t going to be the same little sexy darling you see on the screen. Cleopatra had an empire being threatened to ruin. She used her beauty and seductive skills to keep her empire from getting destroyed by the Romans. Go Cleo! And as for Josephine, she came from a very poor background. She had the desire to make it to the top. So she did by manipulating and using men. She purposefully chose weak but powerfully ranking men. Napoleon was a little insecure man. She used his power to grow her own. That makes her BPD? Lol no, that makes her a genius.

Why do you think I’ve been able to date multiple BPD’s without issue? Because I don’t walk around trying to be more ‘alpha’ than everybody else. I instead focus on what actually works in keeping these women from getting a hold of me. It’s a very selective skill set that even world leaders and conqueror’s weren’t able to master. And no, it’s not intended for every woman out there. Just certain types. Me and Marilyn Monroe would have been a great couple.

It’s not about fixing yourself unless you’ve obviously got issues. It’s about developing the necessary skills needed to date these types of men and women. BPD men can be far worse than BPD women.

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ress freds October 29, 2014 at 6:19 pm

They are beyond help. . . sadly.

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Rick October 30, 2014 at 12:52 pm

If you know nothing, yes.

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Christin Parker October 30, 2014 at 9:09 am

Rick,
I have been diagnosed BPD and I have to agree it take a strong and stupid man to be with a girl like me. I think some guys will completely disagree with you and get really offended by what you wrote and that is fine. These are the guys that need to run far far away from woman like me. It will save both the guy and the girls time and heartache.

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Rick October 30, 2014 at 12:51 pm

Yeah I mean it’s not for every guy. But I just know from all the traffic and popularity my site has that most people just convince themselves that their partner has BPD when they really don’t. She just doesn’t like him anymore, lol. But no it must be BPD! It must!

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Rick October 14, 2014 at 12:50 pm

Uhhh well you just proved my point, lol. You keep allowing her to come back therefore reinforcing her behavior. How does that have anything to do with a disorder? You’re HELPING her live her disorder. You don’t see how any actions on your part could have changed her? How about not taking her back! Why couldn’t you just be a man and tell her to get the hell out of your life?

Thanks for completely proving my point.

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