Dating a girl with BPD doesn’t have to be a constant struggle. I know this is a big statement but read through this entire article and I’ll explain how I’ve been able to do it over the years.
My experience with BPD women is vast, having dated several over the past few years. They used to be the only type of women I’d attract due to reasons.
The one big factor about BPD that I always teach is that you need to focus on the individual instead of the diagnosis. It’s really easy to generalize women with BPD, but you need to NOT do this as it will just cause you to make excuses.
For my women readers, I have created an entire article on dating a man with BPD just for you. So check this out.
Drop The Negative BPD Mindset
The word ‘BPD’ has so many negative words associated with it. I’m sure you’ve seen these thrown all over the web. All you have to do is take a quick visit to any community forum and you’ll see associated words such as:
- unable to love
And so on and so forth. What I get from this list is that BPD is basically an umbrella with all these issues under it. It’s a generalization really.
While there are things in life that we can generalize, I personally don’t like to generalize people into one group because that’s basically classism in a sense and something I’m highly against.
So one of the first things I want to teach you is to stop focusing on generalities and instead focus on both yourself and your partner on an individual level.
I believe that one of the main reasons that my BPD Success Program receives so many positive reviews is due to the fact that I help men and women see things differently, which ultimately helps you to not react and make more mistakes that might further harm the relationship.
I always tell people to focus on the relationship – to focus on just you and your lover. Imagine that BPD doesn’t exist for a bit and that you have a completely open mind. Pay attention to all the behaviors, words, actions that you’re experiencing.
The next important task for you is to take a break from the online forums and conversations. It’s just a bunch of confused, angry, bitter, negative people looking for answers.
But you won’t find answers when everybody in that community is crowding around the negative boat all agreeing with each other (which is why I avoid those places).
Take Time To Focus On Yourself
I always teach people that relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 partnership. It’s a team if you will. You two are on a journey together and you support each other.
But the key word there is healthy. In this day and age, most people are not healthy on a psychological level. We’ve got deep, inner insecurities that weight us down.
Take me for example… I never thought of myself as attractive until I was in my mid 20’s. I always had that fear of socializing with women. To make matters worse, my parents always told me that the right girl will eventually come along.
I had a lot of poor mindsets taught to me from my upbringing. My parents meant the best for me obviously, but they simply just aren’t realists and don’t know how attraction and relationships really work. This is very common.
When I look back on my old self, it was no surprise that I kept on ending up with women that also had insecurity issues, lack of self-esteem, shy, emotional – women like me.
My type of personality attracted women with BPD. I so badly wanted to be that rescuing, white knight so I always went after these emotional, dramatic, ‘hurt’ women.
I really had a tough time letting go of my ego and accepting that I’m a human being with problems just like BPD’s. I’ve got my own set of issues that are just as responsible as the women I was dating.
So it’s really important you sit down and look at yourself just like I did. A lot of issues I experienced in my past relationships could have easily been prevented if I simply knew all that I do now. But that’s part of the learning process in life and experience is the best lesson.
Once your problems are at the surface, it becomes a lot easier to work and defeat them. I’m a completely different person than I was just a few years ago. It’s crazy to think about how much I’ve changed over the years.
Here’s an article I recently updated about self-focus:
A Letter to Me from a Woman with BPD
I recently received this message from a woman who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I would like to share it with you as there are a lot of golden nuggets to be found:
“Hello I am a woman with BPD. I have struggled with relationships. But I would like to point out that I am not (neither are other people with this disorder) hopeless to date.
I have been in a relationship with a man for over a year now. I finally have found someone with the maturity to understand my mental disorder (which I am still working on overcoming).
He does not let me walk all over him.
We give each other space – and I do not control him nor does he control me.
It doesn’t take just an understanding from a man. You are right, it isn’t just the mans fault. It also takes an understanding from the person with BPD to want to change, and OVERCOME the disorder, which is possible.
You are right. The man can’t be the only one working on his actions. The woman must understand at least a little that she does have a disorder and does need help with it. She needs to be working on her actions as well.
But let me tell you it DOES make a difference on how the man reacts to her actions.
My man isn’t a push over. When I cross the line, my man clearly points it out. He makes me realize that I cannot treat him like shit over and over again or he WILL leave me.
And I do believe if I keep crossing that line, he is strong enough to treat himself how he deserves and leave me. I do not need him trying to make me happy constantly. He needs to be who he is.
He is a loving, strong, ‘alpha male’, who is actually mature enough to take advice from sites and books like these and put them into use.
We may be labeled as ‘troubled’ or ‘crazy’ but that does not at all mean we can’t have healthy relationships.
Just like Rick said, it takes an understanding. You have to mentally see what they see, read between the lines.
You have to be mature enough to learn about it and want to do your part to make the relationship work. How you react to a woman with BPD has a huge affect on the relationship working or not.
It does take an understanding from the person with BPD also to want to change. I may have a disorder, but it does not control my life.
And I would like you to know it is NOT impossible to date us, it is POSSIBLE that you are very judgmental and not understanding what the disorder truly is and that you are simply clueless on how you can help make the relationship work.
If you truly do care then you will truly want to understand. So I suggest you do some research and get some advice from someone like Rick next time you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.”
I get letters like this on occasion from people with BPD. Most people with BPD appreciate that the work I do here, while some here and there say I’m horrible. You have to make your own decision.
But I understand that people with BPD are human and flawed just like you and me. We all want to be loved and fulfilled in our relationships. But this love has to begin from within us.
Now I’m not going to sit here and say that you’re 100% responsible for your relationship not working. That would be foolish. However, understand that you are 100% responsible for yourself.
Whether you want to believe it or not, there are a lot of healthy BPD relationships. You just never hear about them because people that are happy and successful aren’t vocal about it.
I understand that BPD relationships are complicated. But I also understand that all relationships are complicated, even the ones I have with my family. Read that article I just linked to as it’s new and fresh full of BPD wisdom.
- BPD relationships are complicated – yes they are. This 4,000 word article will help you deal with it and give you some things to think about so you can make the relationship work.
Why Most Men Fail With BPD Women
When I was failing miserably in my first couple of BPD relationships, I was an active member on several forums such as bpdfamily and psychcentral.
What I soon realized is that nobody experiencing success goes on these forums. There’s no reason to when things are working out. These forums are people searching for help. And that’s not bad – it’s just hard to find help in a community where no one is succeeding.
One of the reasons I started blogging was to jot down my experiences and keep my head on straight. It’s been over 3 years now that I’ve been blogging and I’ve come a long way.
I’ve coached probably a thousand men at this point and most men have the same, common issues such as: lack of self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect; lack of confidence; inexperience with women; very logical; lack of emotional control; lots of fears; lack of leadership qualities; easily pushed around; I could go on.
These issues are very common in the 2015 man. There’s a big reason why almost 60% of all women are single compared to just 30% in the 90’s.
Regardless of whether women have BPD or not, I highly encourage you to take note of those issues I mentioned above and see if you can relate to those. Most of my training is focused on building strong men and crushing those issues.
Women Are Simply Highly Emotional
And a lot of men are as well. It doesn’t surprise me that most men are not capable of succeeding in these BPD relationships.
Because most men are weak these days and over-protective of their fragile little egos, it’s very easy to just label your girlfriend as ‘crazy’ and move on with your life.
Some of us guys want to succeed in these relationships, so we spend a considerable amount of time on the internet looking up information and help. We want to learn as much as we can about BPD.
Unfortunately, most of the information is of the negative variety as I pointed out at the beginning of the article. This just let’s us easily label our girlfriend as someone with ‘issues’.
Either way, neither of these scenarios hit at the more important issue which is YOU. Our ego makes it very difficult to want to examine ourselves. But that’s why I’m here, so I can educate you and help you open up and grow into your awesomeness.
Now the big “shocker” is that all girls are emotional creatures. The ones that are highly emotional tend to be labelled as crazy by the men that simply don’t have what it takes to date them.
Now I know BPD is a real mental disorder but I like to believe in people because I’ve succeeded in BPD relationships. Remember that I said to focus on the individual instead of the diagnosis. This is very important that you instill this mindset into your head, even if you’re positive she has BPD.
Remember that you have issues just like everybody else. I can tell you right now that the first step to succeeding in a BPD relationship is by being open-minded, evaluating yourself and thinking outside of your bubble.
Yes, BPD’s can and will drive you crazy at times. Their behavior is off the wall and extremely frustrating. They have that fear of abandonment you’ve no doubt read about. They can be hot/cold.
But refer to that woman’s letter above. Look at how her husband handles things. When you’re able to read between the lines, that whole letter basically says that she highly respects her husband.
Further your education:
- The Fear of Abandonment – here is where you’ll learn my take on the fear of abandonment. A lot of people get this wrong. If she fears abandonment, why is she leaving? Check that article out to learn why.
BPD Relationships CAN Work
Remember that these women want to find love and be loved just like you do. It’s just that they have most likely had a much more traumatic upbringing than you.
So you need to keep yourself focused and under control. Don’t fall victim to the tests and the BS. Know when to stand up for yourself and know when to walk away.
If you enjoyed this piece on BPD, I have plenty more free relationship guides. You can get free access to my Relationship Survival Pack where I go more in-depth about drama and irrational behavior.