One of the most important topics I cover with my long-term coaching clients is how to develop a level of respect for yourself so that your partner also respects you. Through my years of experience helping men and women, having a lack of self-respect quickly causes relationships to turn towards toxicity.
This is a long article where I will do my best to teach you the basics on self-respect and why it’s absolutely important. The advanced stuff is tailored specifically for each individual so you’ll have to look into coaching from me if you’re at that point.
Any chance of having a long-term relationship work is extremely rare when you’ve failed to establish crucial boundaries early on in the relationship.
This means that you’re never forward about what you will and will not accept from a partner. This creates toxic situations down the road once the Honeymoon Period passes by.
These are things that you should already have a basic understanding of before you enter a relationship meaning that you need to think about what you’ll tolerate and what you will not.
For the past few years, I’ve been all over the internet browsing forums and reading different websites and stories and blogs that talk about BPD.
In 99% of all the cases that I’ve read, most people are confused as to why their partner is leaving or growing distant/cold shoulder when you feel like you’ve always been there for them.
It just doesn’t make any sense at all.
Why would someone that has told you over and over again that they love you all of a sudden leave you?
Having dated multiple women with BPD and other emotional issues, I’ve experienced this same scenario over and over again.
The honeymoon period starts off great: wonderful sex, lots of giggles and happiness, connecting at a deep level, feeling like this was the woman I was going to spend my life with.
But then the ups and downs come.
The BPD Rollercoaster as I call it rolls through the top of the hill and down it goes.
“What the f*** just happened?! Where the hell did all this come from?? I thought everything was perfect…”
And therein lies the problem – your relationship was too perfect.
You probably knew it deep down, or at least your gut was telling you everyday that this was most likely too good to be true.
Do people really fall in love in 1 week?
Next thing you know, you’re on the fast track trying to figure out how to get that BPD to come back.
Because you’re absolutely stunned due to the sudden cold shoulder, you can’t help but think about her constantly.
All of your mind is bent on figuring out what’s wrong.
Next thing you know, she’s off messing around with a new guy she just met this past weekend.
The way she’s treating you is as if you suddenly don’t mean shit to her.
As I’ve said, this has happened to me before a few times.
But what makes this tough is that you don’t know you’re dealing with BPD until far into the relationship.
That’s unless you’ve experienced this multiple times and now know what to look for – or how to prevent any craziness from happening to begin with (which is the entire purpose of this blog).
Back then, I was also a doormat and didn’t listen to anyone’s advice about breaking up with my BPD girlfriends.
I was desperate, needy and wanted to ‘fix things’ and make them right. I felt like I could save them.
Golden Rule: You Can’t Save Anyone
Any time you see me list out a Golden Rule like above, write it down somewhere and remember it.
Borderline Personality Disorder is really just an extreme form of emotional instability.
This is very important to point out because some people think they’re dealing with BPD when in fact they’re dealing with someone much more extreme and psychotic.
I feel like people are using BPD as an excuse for all the crazy behavior going on in their relationship, giving them a reason to see things through until the end.
Not only is this a terrible mindset to have, but you can end up causing much more trouble by trying to ‘tough things out’.
But I could write an entire book on this topic alone so let’s talk a bit about BPD/emotional disorders and how they differ from normal relationships.
A Bit About BPD
When a BPD likes something, they really like it!
This is why when things are good, they’re really good; in your mind, the relationship gets better and better.
Until one day, the relationship takes a turn south for reasons unknown to you.
It might not seem like much at all when it happens because people in general are up and down – it’s not a big deal you begin to think.
Until you get the cold shoulder for the 3rd or fourth time.
And then you start fighting for no reason, you’re being accused of things that aren’t true, and there’s just a general sense of dishonesty coming from your partner.
You can feel the change in their feelings and yet you have no reason why because no matter how many times you try to figure things out, you never get a straight answer.
Or your partner never tells you the truth.
Both scenarios happen all the time and are extremely common with BPD relationships.
But you hold on and the relationship continues for a few months.
In my case, the relationship would be great for 2 or 3 days at a time then all of a sudden go cold for the next 5 days.
And then it’s great again.
This pattern of rocky behavior can go on and on for months and months – years even.
And just as I did back in the day, you turn to the internet for answers which led you here.
It All Comes Down To Knowledge
It should be obvious by now, but people with BPD simply don’t think the same way we do.
I believe that they’re living in a state of constant worry.
Whether it’s school, their job or you, they’re constantly worrying about their life for most hours of the day.
They are extremely insecure about who they are as a person.
This ultimately causes them to put on a facade of sorts resulting in this fake person that you end up meeting and falling for.
After some time, the cracks begin to show and they simply can’t keep their real self (the insecure, worrying, fearful person) away from you any longer.
They fear that if you figure out who they really are, you’ll want nothing to do with this person resulting in you abandoning them.
This is why they’re extremely flirtatious - they’d rather have someone love them on the spot than attempt to develop a long-lasting connection.
In their mind, they don’t believe that anybody would want to be with them long-term.
This results in a lot of spontaneous hook ups with the help of alcohol to use as an excuse.
They also generally tend to have poor relationships with their family and friends.
As a result, they tend to attract people that have codependency issues.
BPD and Codependent relationships always result in a toxic situation.
Why Are These Relationships So Toxic?
People in general do not respect others that have no boundaries.
This means that if you allow out-of-control, irrational behavior to exist around you, your partner will lose more and more respect for you, even if it’s subconscious.
The gut is strong and it’s why I continues to hammer it into your brain - always trust your gut!
Let’s quickly assume you’re a guy dating a girl that has BPD:
What happens is that her gut begins to say to her, ‘You know, your lover here really doesn’t respect himself. If he had any sense of respect, he wouldn’t put up with the way you treat him.’
And this is repeated to her over and over and over again.
Just like we tend to ignore out gut, she also ignores her gut – for some time.
But eventually she realizes that you are in fact weak and girls simply aren’t attracted to weak men – BPD or not.
This added up with their immense insecurity issues results in toxic relationships!
You’ve Got To Be Aggressive
My last girlfriend is a Borderline, but it was never an issue for us.
The reason it never became an issue is because I never made it an issue.
By sticking to my guns and knowing exactly what I want, what I will and will not tolerate, any form of BPD that might have surfaced never grew into something more.
And she loved me for this.
We’ve recently broken up after 13 months, and this was entirely my decision as I want to live abroad for some time and enjoy my later 20′s.
The earlier you set the tone of the relationship, the better off you’re going to be.
Because I’ve dated multiple BPD’s and knew exactly what to look for, I never once became reactive to any of her BPD behavior.
Throughout the entire relationship, she was the one chasing me and investing more into us.
Of course I returned the favor and did my part, but I made absolutely sure that I did not fall into chasing-mode like everybody else does.
And that’s why the relationship worked.
I really like Rhett and Scarlet’s relationship in Gone With The Wind.
She tries to pull shit on him and he simply laughs at her and puts her in her place.
Here are some videos to check out for a general idea:
And this one is pimp:
We can’t all be like Rhett, but that’s the general attitude you want to have.
Take note of his laughing at her ridiculousness and not afraid to get aggressive with her.
So with that said, you really have to have your shit together or else you’re going to take BPD behavior personally.
You have to be hard as steel and not let it affect you – laugh at it if you can just like Rhett.
Scarlet is a classic ‘crazy girl of the south’ and would easily be classified as a BPD in today’s world.
But the earlier you’re able to establish how the flow of the relationship will work, the better off you’re going to be.
So if your ex wants to get back together, make sure you set the flow!
“But Rick, won’t they just leave us if we’re not giving them attention since they feel like they’re being abandoned?”
Logically it may seem this way but it’s not how it works.
It’s very counter-intuitive which is exactly why it works.
In life, most things that are counter-intuitive tend to be extremely effective.
This is why businesses that do things differently than everybody else tend to be very successful.
When you’re not being the guy that’s chasing her and trying to let her know how much you love her and how you’ll never leave her and all that other chumpy stuff, you end up being pretty damn unique in her mind.
Losing you is the last thing she wants – she chases you because you’re different this excites her enough to the point where she’s got to have you.
Relationships require time, energy and investment from both sides.
An ideal relationship works at 50/50 for both individuals – both putting in the same amount of work.
But the problem with BPD relationships is that the non ends up putting in 90% of the investment with the BPD putting in hardly anything.
You’re constantly chasing and doing whatever you can to keep her around.
Don’t Be a Nice Guy – But Don’t Be a Jerk
You want to be a loveable jerk. If she’s calling you names but smiling while saying it, you’re doing it right.
A common trend I’ve noticed with guys seeking my help is that they tend to be nice, passive, codependent guys.
While a normal girl would friend-zone a nice guy before even getting close to hooking up, a BPD will go out with you, hook up with you, possibly even get in a relationship with you but ultimately leave you because most women just aren’t attracted to nice guys.
It’s also very possible that your partner doesn’t have BPD at all – they just don’t like you and you’re using BPD as an excuse.
That happens all the time.
So in the ‘nice guy’ case, whether your partner has BPD or not really doesn’t affect things.
As long as you’re too nice, codependent, passive and weak, you will never have a healthy, satisfying relationship with anybody!
They will all fail sooner or later, hence why my focus here isn’t on dating BPD’s but really about changing who you are as a person.
This doesn’t mean you run in the opposite direction and start being a jerk… All it means is that you put yourself and your needs first before hers.
It’s tough to change the cycle especially if you’ve been a nice, passive person your whole entire life.
The reason why I write these articles and wrote my book was so that you could have something to read over and over and over again to remember.
When you reach that middle ground between nice and jerk, your relationships become much healthier.
BPD behavior drastically drops off because you simply won’t tolerate it – and they’ll learn quick.
They’re investing in the relationship just as much or more than you which is a healthy scenario.
I recently spoke to a good friend of mine who’s always dated gorgeous girls out of his league and it’s fun to watch the confusion from guys.
He has always told me the same things: you really need to know who you are before you think about dating.
And when you decide to date, you must understand that everybody has issues.
We all have fears and insecurities inside of us, but that doesn’t give your lover permission to treat you poorly.
Your partner must also be a good friend, someone that you respect, but you don’t take crap from.
Be genuinely confident and a solid human being and you won’t even know if you’re dating a BPD.
When you eventually reach that level where you’re genuinely confident in yourself, you simply won’t allow yourself to be bothered by BPD behaviors and ‘craziness’.
Now because you’re reading this article, you’re most likely not at that level.
And that’s okay.
My mission with this website and my books and everything else I produce is to help you Level Up as I like to say.
Work on being a person that people in general respect.
If your family consistently treats you with a lack of respect, if your friends are consistently being dicks towards you, and if people in general just don’t show you respect, how can you even expect to have any type of healthy relationship with a significant other?
It’s simply not possible.
You need to ask yourself questions such as:
- Do my close friends treat me with respect?
- Does my family treat me with respect?
- Do people in general treat me with respect?
If your answer is no to any of these questions or you’re simply not sure what respect is, then this is what you need to focus on going forward.
Forget about your getting a girlfriend or boyfriend for now as these are deeper concerns.
Tired Of Being Confused?
You’ve learned a lot about yourself just from this article – but there’s always more to learn. The Successful Borderline Relationship is all about learning everything you need to know about dating, respect, BPD and more. This book is THE resource you need to completely change the dynamic of your relationships and reach the level of success you deserve.