Throughout my many years of coaching men and women, I have found that the BIGGEST cause of BPD relationship failure is when the non-BPD fails to establish boundaries early on.
And by boundaries I mean personal boundaries – actions and behaviors that you know are most likely red flags.
And this isn’t just limited to people with BPD – any type of relationship you involve yourself in will be more successful the more you value and respect yourself.
For women, there’s just nothing more attractive than a man that knows what he wants, isn’t afraid to call you out, challenges you instead of chasing you, values himself and yet still has that genuine love for you. Nothing beats that.
For men, while we do tend to focus more on beauty, the killer combo is a woman that’s beautiful and has brains. And most men will agree with the fact that women appear to be more and more beautiful the more confident they are. There’s just nothing like a classy woman walking down the sidewalk like she’s the boss. That aura of confidence just sucks guys right in, makes her so much more beautiful.
The good news it that commanding respect is not that hard. I’ve figured out how to show the women I date that I do respect myself and you’re not going to walk all over me, control me, disrespect me, etc.
Here are the important factors that you need to know right now so you can begin to implement these in your current and future relationships:
#1: Avoid The Honeymoon Period
I know that BPD relationships are complicated. Things just happen and before we know it, we’re caught up too deep to pull ourselves out.
Almost every single relationship involves some sort of honeymoon period where you’re both in a whirl of emotional highs. You’re both extremely touchy, can’t stop smiling, you’re in the bedroom as much as possible.
I get it, I’ve been caught up in these whirlwind romances multiple times in the past.
Now I have nothing against getting together with someone you like and enjoying each other…
It only becomes a problem when your fantasies take over and you leave reality.
What exactly do I mean by this?
The most common example is that you’re a few weeks into dating and you’re already supposedly ‘in love’. It’s quite silly because that just isn’t possible. Love isn’t just words you can throw around. Love is a connection that builds over a long period of time.
But I’ve been there and I know how easy it is to believe you’re in love. So why do we do this? Why do we say that we’re in love when it’s not true?
It all starts at these deep-rooted beliefs and fantasies we developed over a long-period of time starting from our childhood.
We all want to be loved and cared for. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s really due to these deeper mindset issues when we allow our feelings and emotions to carelessly flow free so early.
Next thing you know, you’re caught up in this “rollercoaster” and you simply have no idea how to slow it down. And it all starts from how we were brought up and what was fed into our mind as a young child. This is why changing your mindsets is the key to success.
Check this article out:
- BPD relationships are complicated – this new article is over 4,000 words long and will give you some killer advice about how to thrive in these relationships. Check it out.
#2: Fantasies and Seeking Perfection
To go a long with what I am saying above, your ideal partner and ‘love’ that you seek is really just a fantasy that you’ve created in your mind over the years. We all have fantasies but it’s important to not try to make them reality.
A BPD will make you feel like you’ve found the perfect partner – if you self-respect.
BPD’s will take advantage of this weakness in you if you let them. But as I outlined in my article about dating women with BPD, it’s not just a BPD that will gain control over you…
There are a lot of people that will manipulate you, lie to you, use you, control you and more. Self-respect isn’t just something you need to be a better partner… it’s what you need to survive and succeed in this world!
I can’t stress how important it is to calm your feelings and think outside your head for a minute. Take notice of what whirlwind romance and don’t let it suck you up. It’s not the BPD’s fault – this is just what happens.
Squash these feelings of loneliness, bored and love-seeking you have and you’ll begin to respect yourself a lot more. Don’t be so quick to jump into any kind of relationship because it fulfills some fantasy you’ve thought about all your life.
Here’s an article you should check out:
- Dating women with BPD – these women can be incredibly confusing when you don’t know what to do. In this article, I share my best pieces of wisdom to make these relationships work.
#3: It’s NOT Your Job To Save/Rescue/Help Anyone But Yourself
I have noticed that a lot of the BPD relationship books on the market are full of techniques, therapy and all this other stuff that you can use with your partner to help bring positive change.
Unfortunately, as long as you’re someone that’s weak, passive, no back bone, no self-respect, nothing will ever help you succeed in dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. You’ll just continue to experience the same behavior that’s crushed your happiness.
While you’re here reading this article, I do hope you’ll listen closely to this piece of advice:
The only person you need to worry about is you. You only have control over you and your own reactions, behaviors, mindsets, and more.
Back when I was getting into my first relationships, I was desperate, needy and desperately wanting to help my BPD girlfriends. I felt like I could save them and pull them into the light.
I went about it all wrong just as most guys do. We try to save our BPD partners incorrectly which actually pushes them away even more. We become more unattractive in their eyes. They can’t help but run.
It’s a really big sign of no respect for yourself when you’re spending all of your time trying to make things right in the relationship instead of focusing on your own goals, dreams, desires and more.
Both men and women make these mistakes when dating a BPD. These skills can all be learned, however, which is why I am here for you.
Here are some more articles that are great for developing relationship skills:
- Relationships are about commitment – instead of looking for that interest in your partner, look for signs of commitment.
- Stop a break up from happening – if you feel that your relationship is on the verge of collapse, check out this article to gain more insights.
- Common dating mistakes – these are the 7 most common mistakes people make in relationships. Are you making any of them?
#4: You Must Educate Yourself
By you stumbling across this article, you are already in the process of educating yourself about BPD. Doesn’t that feel great? I really believe my information is the easiest to digest because it’s all based off of real world experience.
It’s important that you understand that men and women with BPD come from different, usually darker upbringings that you and I.
And while that’s usually pretty obvious to most people, it still amazes me how easily it’s forgotten when push comes to shove.
But this doesn’t mean you go ahead and lower your disrespect tolerance. Don’t ever do that! You’re just setting yourself up for more failure down the road.
BPD’s are usually insecure about themselves, they worry a lot, they can get anxious and more. You already know this.
But did you know that all of these things can easily be suppressed when you’ve shown yourself to be someone that’s strong, demanding of respect and 100% not amused by the outbursts?
Yes, this is completely true! I really want you to read my dating a BPD girl article because it has a letter from a BPD woman describing how her husband is great and keeps the relationship calm and fun.
The more you read about BPD from credible sources such as myself, the more you’ll realize how important it is to first work on establishing your own self-respect, boundaries, tolerances and more.
Here are a couple articles about love:
- Why Love Is Difficult – it’s no lie that love is hard. You’ve got to make the most out of it and realize that relationships require work, some more than others.
- The Truth About Love – a lot of people get love wrong. They have a different idea for what it truly is. Here is my take on love.
#5: Find That Edge
Do you have an edge? Do you know what it means to have that edgy side to you that people simply respect and don’t want to mess with?
Bender in The Breakfast Club is an extreme example of what it means to be a jerk. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, then I highly recommend you watch it as soon as you can.
He has an obvious edge to him, does whatever he wants, pisses everyone off without a care in the world and can’t be contained.
You don’t want to be bender. But you don’t want to be the geeky pushover either. You really must find that edgy side to you that isn’t afraid to push people around that get up in your grill.
I had a client email me about how he would just ignore and be silent on the couch when his BPD girlfriend would yell at him. He thought he was doing the right thing because he was non reactive and she would calm down.
However, this is still the wrong way to handle these outbursts. I explained to him how it’s very important to show that you respect yourself, that you don’t like being yelled at, that you aren’t afraid to get up in her space and basically radiate your masculinity all over her.
You don’t run from battle, you don’t cower in the corner when you’re facing a fight. You stand your ground and battle back.
But there is a right way of fighting back and a wrong way. Most people do it the wrong way and become an asshole like bender. Or they do nothing and sit passively like the geek.
It’s important to understand that while a normal girl would dump a nice, passive guy before even getting close to hooking up, a BPD will go out with you, hook up with you, possibly even get in a relationship with you, but leave you the minute an edgy guy enters her life.
You’ve Got To Change Yourself FIRST
I will be the first person to admit that it’s incredibly hard to change yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but did you know I used to be this insecure, codependent, small-minded, passive man?
It’s why I consistently ended up with toxic women in all of my early relationships. If I’m proof that change is possible, then I really believe that anybody can change. I’m really glad you’re here on my website because you’re hearing from a true success story.
Did you know that when you stop the habit of consistent improvement, you will fall back into your old self and bad habits? I call this the ghosts of the past coming back.
While BPD’s may have had a rough upbringing, I had the type of upbringing where I never learned how to look out for myself and develop that self-respect. I always had people taking care of me and telling me that I need to please others.
It sucks but it’s just what it is. It’s how I was raised. We all have our own unique story of how we were brought up but we don’t have to keep living that way.
When you eventually reach that level where you’re genuinely confident in yourself, you simply won’t allow yourself to be bothered by BPD behaviors and ‘craziness’.
They’ll actually stop affecting you, and you can truly poor out your love to your BPD partner who so badly needs it.
But in order to get to these levels of BPD success, you will need to first work on being a person that people in general respect.
If your family consistently treats you with a lack of respect, if your friends are consistently being dicks towards you, and if people in general just don’t show you respect, how can you even expect to have any type of healthy relationship with a significant other?
It’s simply not possible.
You need to ask yourself questions such as:
- Do my close friends treat me with respect?
- Does my family treat me with respect?
- Do people in general treat me with respect?
If your answer is no to any of these questions or you’re simply not sure what respect is, then this is what you need to focus on going forward.
Get yourself a journal. Sit down for 15 minutes and write out your answers to these questions.
Trust me, it’s worth it.
I write in a journal everyday when I get up. Keeps me focused on my goals.
Coincidentally, it helps me kick ass in relationships.
Yes, even with Borderlines.
I could go on, but this article is already at 2300 words.
More info at: