Codependency Is A Serious Problem For Relationships

by Rick on 08/19/2014 · 47 comments

in Awareness,BPD,Codependency

codependency relationships

The more time that you spend learning about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and other behavioral relationships, the more you will realize that most people in these relationships suffer from some sort of Codependency issues.

BPD’s are usually also very codependent individuals. They seek the same love and affection that codependents seek. But BPD related issues get in the way.

Over the years, I have gotten much better at figuring out the causes of codependency and more importantly, how to smash these problems so you can live a happier and healthier life.

I began my research into codependency several years ago just as you are doing now because I felt the same things that you’re feeling now. Sure enough, I realized that I had a lot of codependency issues and thus I worked on fixing them.

Most of you probably suffer from some sort of codependency. The reason BPD’s and codependents attract each other is because a lot of the same issues overlap each other.

So let’s dive in and explore more about Codependency and what you can do starting now to fix these issues…

What Does It Mean To Be Codependent?

Codependency basically means emotional dependence – your moods and feelings are dependent on how others feel about you.

It’s the deep, core issue behind neediness which can quickly cause your boyfriend or girlfriend to lose attraction for you. In other words, neediness pushes people away. You lose your mystery, your awesomeness, your challenging traits. You become a pushover.

However, BPD’s react differently which creates problems for you. You know that they are insecure already. Therefore, they will put up with your deep neediness just like you will put up with their issues.

Eventually though, the attraction wears out and the BPD grows cold, leaves you, possibly cheatson you ‘out of the blue’ or just drops you completely and won’t return your calls or texts.

BPD’s have extreme abandonment issues (as do codependents) and are awfully afraid of losing you despite your unattractive neediness. Dating a BPD requires many strong factors such as respect, boundaries, knowledge, firmness and much more. The truth is that most people aren’t educated enough to handle these relationships.

So even if you learn how to cover up your neediness, eventually your codependent side will be exposed just like the true character of a BPD – one that has complete lack of emotional control, instability, fear and more.

Symptoms and Similarities of Codependency and BPD

As you spend the time to learn more and more about codependency, you’ll notice that it overlaps which many other types of behavioral personality disorders such as HPD, NPD, BPD and more.

And under all of these personality disorders come dozens and dozens of different issues that people have. This is why I educate people to focus on the particular individual instead of the diagnosis.

Usually a codependent person wasn’t physically left or abused as a child. You may feel that you grew up in a normal, healthy family with good parents as I did. However, there was still a failure in upbringing that brought you to these emotional, dependent issues.

It can be very difficult to identify these until you educate yourself and truly dive into your past. This is a big part of my coaching that usually reveals itself as the weeks go on.

I was raised in the church and drilled since a child by my mother to be a pushover and extremely nice. That will make any child a codependent because I am basing my actions to please others, avoid confrontation, be passive, turn the other cheek, help others before I help myself. It’s good morals taught poorly.

Codependency at it’s root is also a fear of abandonment – you’re trying your hardest to please other people and you’re dependent on how other’s feel about you. When things go sour, you can’t help but want to fix the problem, make things right and you can’t take your mind off of it.

So when someone that you’re in a relationship with pisses you off, leaves you, doesn’t call you back, etc. you’re confused and hurt. You start over-analyzing things and can’t figure out what the heck is going on. You just want to make things right again!

You might freak out and start stalking your partner trying to figure out what the hell they’re up to. You might write a nasty letter or perhaps a nice letter throwing out all of your feelings – only as an attempt to wheel them back in (which usually ends up in disaster).

I truly hope a lot of what I am saying here is hitting you deep. I want you to understand that neither codependency or BPD is a healthy way to live. You might think you’re being a ‘great partner’ and a ‘good person’ but the fact remains that being a codependent isn’t healthy despite what you were told growing up.

Codependency can be more manipulative than BPD because you at least know everything that you’re doing whereas a Borderline constantly juggles with feelings. They usually aren’t intentionally being manipulative.

The Unhealthy Nature of Codependency

60% of all marriages end in divorce and I believe it’s because most people don’t have their emotions under control, they have no direction in life, no passion, no purpose. They’re slaves to the corporate life and the fire simply burns out.

In today’s society, we’re brought up believing that to be successful, we need to get a good job, make the money, start a family, pay the bills, go on vacations and life will be great!

Oh what a huge lie. This is why it’s not really your fault that things just aren’t working out the way you envisioned them. But you still MUST accept responsibility so that you can begin moving forward. Denial leads to death as I say.

If you’re the type of person that likes to simply ‘go with the flow’, then that flow is going to wash all over your flame and burn all that desire your partner originally had for you.

A lot of marriages don’t end in divorce, but it doesn’t mean that the couples aren’t happy. Most couples I see on a day to day basic are miserable. It’s a sad picture. If only there were a way to reignite the fire (pun intended).

I posted a link above that will take you to my article about emotional control. I want you to read that after you’re done here. I’m not saying that you need to lose your emotions. You simply need to get good at controlling them so that you can remain in that state of complete confidence in yourself.

The best soldiers on the battlefield are those that never panic. They assess the situation for what it is and they stay under control. Refer to Band of Brothers as this is what made Easy Company so dominant against Hitler’s armies.

Breaking Free From Codependency

What I have learned over the years helping thousands of people is that every single one of us has issues. There isn’t a single person on the planet that’s without imperfections. We all have our own personal story which defines our mindsets and beliefs.

I believe that most of us have some sort of codependency issues. I think it’s simply in our nature to want to give love and be loved. There’s times where we want to be alone of course, but there’s also times where we want to love and cherish and grow with.

But this can become a problem when your mind and feelings are influenced heavily by another person. When all of your validation is through someone else other than yourself.

Its this validation seeking mentality that really screws people up. It’s what I believe is the true cause of codependency. You’re not happy unless you got love from others.

It’s the belief that you’re just not good enough without the love and fulfillment from others.

This is a very toxic mindset that will always cause problems in relationships. Being codependent isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just when it gets too extreme and consumes your life, just like with BPD or any other personality disorder.

Now don’t get down on yourself, don’t beat yourself up here. Just accept the responsibility for the way you are the things that have happened. The best way to heal is to educate yourself like you are doing now.

The reason that I’m so heavily involved in teaching you all about BPD and codependency and everything else is because I spent years educating myself so that I would never get hurt again. I have all these experiences and knowledge that I can’t just keep to myself.

You might be looking for ways to ‘deal’ with their BPD or how to ‘handle’ him or her. Or maybe you know you’re codependent and you realize that it’s been a negative factor in your relationships.

Either way, the first step of action in both cases is for you to take responsibility for what has happened (even if you feel that it isn’t your fault). Only then you you take the next step which is becoming the best version of yourself through constant, daily improvement.

From there, you can work on establishing boundaries, you’ll develop a high level of respect for yourself, your partner will quit pushing you away and walking all over you.

Those are all things I have been talking about for a long time and ultimately they help you break free from your Codependency. Once you are able to stop being a codependent, a BPD relationship won’t be that much different from a normal relationship (since you’re not affected by their negative/crazy behavior).

Your BPD partner will consistently want you because you’ll be the ONLY person in their life that isn’t being driven crazy by their craziness.

Why?

Because you have your body, mind and spirit completely under control. A state of zen if you will.

I believe that having your shit together simply means you aren’t affected by others thoughts and opinions of you. You simply brush them off and keep moving on with your life. Haters gonna hate as they say. When it comes to a partner, you can’t let their negativity affect you.

Conclusion

I truly believe that success in any type of relationship is when you’ve developed the skills and knowledge to reach this state of zen. This state where your emotions are under your control, you’re completely confident in yourself and your ability to succeed, you can love freely and be loved as well.

Conquering codependency and succeeding in BPD relationships requires that you work on reaching these goals. Spend every waking moment of your life on being a better version of your self.

I have a lot of articles on this website that will teach you what you need to know. I have also created guides such as Toxicity and recorded audio programs in the BPD Success Program for you if you want to learn ASAP.

Let me be an inspiration for you and your future relationships. My passion in life is to inspire and empower you so that you can reach the levels of success that you want.

Do you suffer from Codependency? What are you experiences? Please share them below and I will help you out!

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

Codependent August 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Sounds like rather than suffering from Codependency, you now suffer with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Get over yourself.

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Rick September 1, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Sounds like my advice gets under your skin. You obviously have BPD but you probably think you’re perfect and everyone else is crazy, right?? In order to have any legitimate chance of a successful relationship with anyone (not just a BPD), you can’t be codependent. It results in cheating, heartache, pain, etc.

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Rosie October 26, 2013 at 7:30 am

Is it that easy to diagnose BPD? O_O

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 10:07 am

It’s more like I don’t care to diagnose because I’d rather work on my own attractiveness and accomplishments than try to fix a partner of mine. Think of yourself as a magnet that sucks people in. Then you won’t have to worry whether they’re BPD or not because you won’t have time for the drama – it won’t surface.

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Sean October 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Geday Rick,

Your dead right Rick! Good on you! Totally for it! The first year into my 2 1/2 year relationship I had morals and didn’t put up with any shit, she decided to get on anti depressants without telling me the full truth, found out, she was in a bad way, diagnosed with BPD,felt sorry for her, let my guard down and babied her?has basically taken advantage of the situation and I totally agree. She has impulsive spending and is in trouble with the mortgage, took away all her comfort today and packed my bags!! Asked her to choose between 2 photos on the wall? Her reply “you choose” and off she went to work, took your advice from your threads and will continue to do so,,, my reply via a note” it’s all about Respect! Keep the photos I won’t loose any sleep, see ya!! I’m back already, I want a book, where can I buy one!! RESPECT that’s the way it needs to be both ways, Rick your on the money mate, happy days !!

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Michael October 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Rick is not a Narc. There is a fine line between a Narc & a confident person. Rick still cares for others, shows empathy, etc. (the list goes on). He just doesn’t take peoples crap; he has standards he lives by. IMO he’s a damn role model.

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Michael October 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Rick,

Any good resources for Codependency? I’ve done a lot of research but most of it is geared towards all kinds of spiritual interpretations that frankly create confusion and do not address an actual solution.

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Rick November 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I’m going to be releasing some codependency material in the near future simply for the reason that there isn’t much material out there on it and it’s a HUGE problem most guys have, and they don’t even know it. It not only ruins relationships, but it makes guys depressed as hell and they don’t have any idea why they feel that way. So yes, I will be getting on it soon. Email me for more help.

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NYC December 27, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I enjoyed reading your post. It gave a lot of insite on codependance and thank you.

Yeas maybe edit some of your self proclaimed examples of women wanting to date you and you being void of emotions by labelling your exs with with BPD. I think it takes the emphasis off your pretty spot on concept of co dependence and advice which i as a female enjoyed reading but the lasting effect that sabataged your post was that any femal reading this may be more likely to become frustrated when you shifted focus on a Neanderthal opinion without medical diagnosis of your exs.

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Rick January 9, 2013 at 3:03 am

Note taken. It’s fun going back and reading some of my old posts because now 6 months later I am on a whole different level than I was when I wrote the post. I actually go through and edit a lot of my old posts to make them more relevant to my mindsets and beliefs today instead of writing a whole new article on virtually the same subject. It’s not the best way to go in regards to getting more rankings in the search engines, but the higher quality my articles means the more people enjoy my content and follow me which is best for the long run.

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L December 28, 2012 at 2:51 am

I can’t tell you enough how just by reading a couple of pages of your blog it’s completely calmed down my daily nerves. I caught my BPD boyfriend with another girl not a week ago and it’s been a fucking rollercoaster since then. Suicide threats, constant contact, crying, going to the doctor to ‘get sorted’, proposal.

Well, I accepted, and I’ve been kicking myself ever since because the two or so days I spent away from him/everyone made me completely 100% feel myself again – and now I feel like I’m setting myself up for a fall/another struggle. But I love him, stupid me, and I can’t help but feel like the only person who’s willing to try and help. But…agh. It’s not easy, it won’t be – I’m only 22 and this year alone has aged me at least 5 years and driven me to two suicide attempts and nearly had me lose my University degree, all of my friends are alienated and my flatmates didn’t even say goodbye when I moved out because they were sick of the regular police visits and domestic violence/arguments. I think I really REALLY need your book. I’ve also got a mother with depression as well as problems at work, but all I can think of is the future the future the future. But I know it’ll be fucking hard. Agh. Shit. This all sounds really bad the more I write. I just want him to be happy, but it feels like I’m fighting AGAINST him for that, and losing daily. Losing my mind, my life, my confidence, my job, my friends, my family, my everything. I’ve fallen into his fucking rabbit hole and now I’ve messed up the last chance I had to wake up from this fucking nightmare.

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Rick January 9, 2013 at 2:57 am

Well Lucy I really can’t help you here. YOU know what you need to do. And I know it as well.

I’ve unfortunately come to the conclusion that women should never date a guy that has BPD. Sorry, but it’s just completely different than girls with BPD. Certain guys can handle a girl with BPD all day, every day no prob. But a girl will NEVER be able to handle a male BPD simply because of the male-female dynamic. Fuck feminism. Women follow men and need us to be strong. BPD men can never provide that consistently.

I really have no idea why women are attracted to BPD men. They’re honestly the most unattractive, insecure people alive.

This is all on you honey. If you want to set yourself up for life failure, then be my guest. If anything, my book will teach you what a real man is like and hopefully convince you to get out of this disastrous situation. I mean you just accepted a proposal to a man that cheated on you a few days ago. WTF???

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ANON February 16, 2013 at 6:17 am

I felt the same way reading her comment about the cheating! No, No No! Do not marry a cheater!!
As you can see from my other comment under anon on the same day about the “respect” article the reason I’m in limbo is because my BPD has not cheated and is very faithful.
He is also not physically abusive or any other disgusting thing. He hasn’t done anything extreme that would destroy the relationship. He crosses boundaries in a grey area.

I can explain why my male in my life with BPD is attractive, but I can’t explain for all males with BPD because I know three females with it over my life but he is the only male.

Firstly though gross men that hit women and severely abuse are most likely Narcissistic not BPD. From my years online and books and so many comments and emails over time I have learned that NPD is a different and more extreme kind of guy and I agree he is repellent.

Why the attraction to male BPD:

-He’s highly intelligent
-Often more compassionate (the reason I put up with the excessive negative emotions/overreactions is because the positive aspects are also excessive) kind of a balance/payoff.
-This is work it for a sensitive person like me where other guys would say “suck it up sweetheart” he endless time for me or no time. “Middle road” men just don’t have that endless time & affection.
-Romantic and understand romance
-Creative
-Emotional depth and thoughtfulness, huge amount of empathy
-understanding of women
-Attractive mixture of a very physically and mentally strong, muscular, good looking male, who is somewhat emotional and gets that part of a woman that is emotional.
This caters to the female need to be protected AND emotionally understood.
-Mixed interests-loves extreme sports, masculine hobbies, AND also likes the arts, culture etc
-They feel like the best of both worlds
-Insecurity leads to taking really good care of themselves & being modest as they don’t know how good they really are. (it is also sad as I want him to know he’s great but he thinks he is ugly…)
-High achievers
-assertive confidence
-highly sexual
-magnetic
-High energy and gets things done, adventurous–helps me out of my shell, helps push my boundaries often in positive way.
-dramatic (appeals to romantic/artistic women)
-big big heart. Does anything for a friend in need. No matter how angry if I really need him I know I can rely on him in crisis, he is reliable.
-faithful, intensely focus on one person
-Just a good human being most of the time.

Hope that explains the attraction. :-)

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ANON February 16, 2013 at 6:21 am

Essentially they are magnified humans.

BPD man has man bad qualities that are difficult but just as many good.

It’s like taking those qualities and blowing them up–everything is intense, therefore the attraction is the intensity of their good points.

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Mel March 31, 2013 at 11:21 am

A lot of good information on here. You are dead on when you say you have to “get your shit together ” That totallly clicked with me because that is what I’m in the process of doing and so far it has been great. I believe myself to be a (recovering ) co dependant who was with someone who may be mildly bpd. I was struggling discover what it was inside of me that either sought out or attracted somebody who is suffering from this , also why I chose to stay and why I am having such a hard time with the break up. I know it is best beause it’s taken it’s toll on both of us. I do love him deeply . I miss him terribly. But I dont miss the fights, the stress, the cyclical patterns, the back and forth. I could always sense that I was being tested. He even warnede at the beginning not to let me walk all over him. I thought that was a strange thing to say to somebody you were just starting a relationship with and always kept that in the back of my mind . When we first met i had very strong boundaries set I was very independent and strong willed, I was willing to walk at the first sign of bs and I think he respected that. Unfortunately there was a shift ( I fell for him) and once the bad behavior started happening I tolerated it . More and more . The more I tolerated the less he respected me and the more I tried to gain his approval. Vicious cycle. No matter what the test I was determined to pass , to show I wouldn’t turn my back on him, to show how “strong” I was when in reality it was making me look like a doormat who had no self respect . Its such a vicious cycle and it’s really tiring and I don’t want to fall prey to it again. Right now I’m focused on myself and it feels good. I know my life will only get even better and i will be preventing myself from
Any more damaging situations. Sometimes I wonder if I was where I needed to before we got together if some of this would have turned out differently. If I had remained that girl who didn’t put up with and bs and was willing to walk maybe he would have tried a little harder to keep his own shit in check. I know that his Own unresolved issues cause him suffering, and I wish better for him because I do love him
Very much and want better for him. I don’t know if he knows how it feels to be truly happy. As sad as that makes me, the only person I can be responsible for and change is myself

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Amanda Lee April 20, 2013 at 7:43 am

James Bond? Really? Is that really a good example of someone with healthy relationships? I think not. Healthy relationships are Interdependent, meaning they depend on each other. Being Codependent is not necessarily a ‘disorder’ unless you’re depending on someone who is not dependable. In that case, you need to learn to handle disappointment and reevaluate who you trust, instead of trying to change people. It is a lot more practical to control yourself than to control other people. You can not change the BPD person, but you can control how you let them treat you. Sticking around to deal with them reinforces their believe that their behavior is acceptable. Do both yourselves a favor and tell them what is not acceptable, than do not accept anything less. LEAVE.

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Rick April 20, 2013 at 9:20 pm

Well stated, and this is exactly what I recommend. Do keep in mind that a lot of my articles are quite old now (in internet time) and might differ compared to my newer ones – which is why I’ve been going back and updating older articles :)

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Rick May 4, 2013 at 8:34 am

Rick, you’re dead on, man! This is exactly the kick in the ass I needed to man up. Co-dependency = weakness, and no woman wants to be with a weak man, just like you say above.

I think many men could benefit from this if you wrote a book on this. Kick them in the backside too!! hahaha Blessings to you, dude

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Rick May 10, 2013 at 4:08 pm

I’ve got a new book coming soon called Toxicity. It’s going to release is June so get ready! I may do a separate product on Codependency as it is a problem, but the deeper issues are discussed in the new book.

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Ashley June 19, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Rick, You sound exactly like someone I know with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I was married to it. Take a look in the mirror!

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Rick July 1, 2013 at 5:53 pm

u mad?

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Solange July 29, 2013 at 2:38 pm

I need help. I don’t have my shit together.
For the last year, I’ve been in a relationship with a man who has cheated on me, given me an STD, made me pay for his tuition on my credit cards. I’ve attempted suicide, been on disability. I’ve since returned to work, in another town and am away from this man. I feel completely out of control.
We break up because I say “no more” and then beg him to come back.
I’m pathetic, and I know it. I need to learn how to love myself again, because I know that if I do, I won’t be in a relationship like this. I know that love shouldn’t hurt, and this is killing me.
I just don’t know how to begin, and how to move through the process. I wish I knew the steps it would take, and how to do it as painlessly as possible….not for him, but for myself. I’m already in enough pain.
I DID find this page because I’m looking for help. I searched for it. I’m still searching. I need to know what I have to do, and I’m still lost about that. Do I need to end this relationship? And if so, how do I do that? Is there support out there for people like me? Because I feel so fucked up, and so very alone. I read your page and it seems like good advice, but I hesitate to label him as anything.
Can you direct me to any information or resources to get past this cycle?

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Rick July 30, 2013 at 9:02 pm

Yup end it because you obviously are way to dependent on this person. Why don’t you just be happy with yourself?

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Anna August 19, 2013 at 3:33 am

Really Rick?
You really have it all down pat don’t you.
I’m a classic BPD female who openly shares this information with new partners since my last major relationship fell apart due to my BPD and his issue… well he was just an arsehole.

I hope you have some qualifications. You give a lot of advice. BPD is a serious mental illness. Sufferers live in constant emotional turmoil. Their partners do too. As you seem to know so well. Our partners need qualified professional information to refer to. I can sit and explain to them as much as I can about what to expect, but until the crap hits the fan they just don’t get it.

Your arrogant, know it all, I’m so freaking cool attitude helps nobody. So you are so chilled out your partners all come back to you. That doesn’t make you special. We ALL do that. Lucky you for being strong enough to survive so many BPD relationships. But the question is. If you are so brilliant at handling BPD relationships, why have you had so many? Why couldn’t you make just one of them work?

Methinks YOU may have a codependency issue.

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:06 pm

I’ve obviously got your panties in a bunch which means what I speak is truth. Fact remains, BPD’s don’t even bring out their bad behavior when they date quality guys – hence why I haven’t had any issues with any relationships for the past couple of years. The power of choice is strong.

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Broc September 25, 2013 at 3:11 pm

Rick is pretty right on. I think pickup guys call it AFC. Average Frustrated Chump. But co dependent seems parallel- BPD-girls are usually very attractive and pull ALL kinds of Crazy stuff bc they can get away with it, and other guys are right there to be a white knight encase you mess up. I know i fight the urge to be polite, compliant and the good guy…next thing ya know shes gone. wait what?..ohhh no! lol Got to lead-set boundaries-and put yourself first- it seems selfish but your showing a girl that you know what you want-her being part of that- good stuff man keep it up. Love the Bond reference! Rick, do you think my first bpd cause me to accidentally slip into a co-d role? I kinda feel like i slipped….when we split I snapped out of it.

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 7:49 pm

Pick up guys always fail in their first couple of relationships because PUA techniques attract low quality women (even if she’s hot). They think their techniques got them the woman, but it turns out that they just happened to get lucky and scored a needy, low-quality girl who’s probably rebounding. Hence, the toxic relationship. So the PUA thinks he’s finally got the girl and then he goes back to his old self which in unattractive to even the lowest quality of girls.

This is ultimately why the pick up industry is a joke. It’s all just insecure, low quality guys trying to fake their way into relationships. Sure they lose their virginity eventually to low quality women, but I’ve never once heard of any PUAs to actually get a quality girl. It’s only when you notice how retarded the PUA world is and reject everything it teaches that you can actually work on becoming an attractive man and get the girls you want.

PUA will NEVER get you a high quality girl. Ever. But if you want to pull average or below average girls from bars, then yea it’ll help you out. But it comes with a cost, always whether that’s random pregnancy/kids, stds, etc.

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ThømãSRamqµíst™ May 30, 2014 at 7:37 am

Wow.wow….wow.
I am FINALLY very excited about my relationship future…….. I have a choice.
I can choose “the dark side of the force.” (Co-fucking-dependency)
OR
I can be a “Jedi Knight”.
Rick…in my humble opinion…you are a “Yoda”…and you just built, for me, one bad ass light sabre.
But….you built, for me, only a tool…a weapon, a means of defense and survival.
NOW….it is all up to ME…To buy your books and learn the ways of “The Force” and INCORPORATE that into my life…So I will learn, and KNOW, that I will NEVER be co-dependent again. And I truly can ALREADY “see” the result of having that knowledge…in my FUTURE ACTIONS.
This I KNOW…The one…and ONLY THING that I can CONTROL… are MY OWN THOUGHTS.
I have been searching for this missing puzzle piece for a very, very, long time.
To the people who have said (from comments that I read) or to the person reading this. Yep right NOW you are reading this (it does not matter what year it is because I am writing this part really for YOU…in the future).
Rick does not hold a degree on this topic nor is he licenced. But he is so confident in his skill set that he would pit his expertise against ANY so called “licenced, trained, certified,etc. ‘Expert’ “.
Let me ask you this….Did someone ‘certify’, Steve Jobs or John Lennon or Abraham Lincoln or a Great Mom or Dad, or Yoda??… : ) fuck no!!!!
These people ‘certified themselves’ through DEDICATION, PERSEVERANCE, EXPERIENCE and HARD WORK….and because they had “VISION”…and these sorts of individuals “see” what most of us can not….and they want to SHARE THAT WHAT THEY SEE…. visionaries.
From what I see…Rick is taking his knowledge of this “good side of the force” and refining it, striving to make it better. Because he also wants to “speak to you” (the one who is r e a d î n g these very words right NOW in YOUR present moment)
That is something else visionaries do…they see ahead of most of us.
I write this all very humbly…for “future me’s”. Cuz I fukin suffered from BPD girlfriends…. NOW I get it…. I hope you will “get it” I have to CHANGE because I never want to be co-dependent EVER AGAIN.
Thank you Rick for building me my light sabre!!! Now I know it’s up to ME to do the rest! Because I want to be in that 6%…..
Because I KNOW , in the future, a female will “say” to me…”Tom I need to cut you down, yell scream, and hurt you now.”
And I will say, (using my newfound Jedi Mind Powers ) ” No, you do not need to cut me down,yell scream, and hurt me now. Go in peace.” And she WILL COMPLY.
Rick….You are…and this IS “Next Level Shit!”
Thank You,
ThømãSRamqµíst™

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Rick June 4, 2014 at 2:33 pm

Haha thanks for that. But do understand that it’s the Jedi (white knights) that are failure. I would much rather be an Anakin and seduce princesses than be a Yoda ;)

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Ashley November 1, 2013 at 9:46 am

Rick- I have enjoyed reading this post however I think a few things need to be addressed. A LOT of codependent people (myself included) grew up in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional environment which has helped to create the codependent behaviors. It’s a survival tool. To say most families are “normal” isn’t accurate. Most codependents are adult children of alcoholics/addicts/dysfunctional families.

Second, while I think it’s GREAT you’ve reversed your codependent ways in “under 2 weeks” I think it’s HIGHLY unlikely and unrealistic for others to think they will do the same. Codependency hits at on a very deep level. Ultimately, we have no idea who we really are. We have found our identity in the eyes of the people closest to us. We base our values off other people’s actions and feelings about us. That can take YEARS to accept, let alone change!

We don’t find ourselves in relationships with people with BPD/NPD/etc because of surfaced issues that can be fixed in 2 weeks.

On the flip side, there are levels of codependency. Some people are GREATLY affected by it (like myself) and have been their whole lives. And other people aren’t affected as badly (perhaps like you?) and it is easier to adjust. But chances are if you’re involved with someone who has a compulsive disorder/issue you’re not that person.

I did completely agree with being in control of your own emotions. It’s human nature to want the people we are romantically connected to to think highly of us but it should not be the ‘end all, be all’ of our existence.

Being healthy takes work especially coming from a dysfunctional upbringing.

The book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie is by far the best book on the subject and anyone who is at the site or in need of real guidance should check it out! It hasn’t sold 8 million copies for nothing ;)

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 10:04 am

I’ll check the book out. The thing about codependency and BPD is that there are many, many levels to it all. Everyone is unique is that regard. However, I did have massive codependency. Why do you think I seemed to only date BPD’s in the past? They fulfilled that void I used to desire deep down despite the craziness.

Now one thing I cannot accept anymore is the idea that you can’t change your ways. The reality is that if you follow the science I write about in my new book Toxicity, no matter what you do you’ll become a higher quality individual based just on the fact that when your life ascends consistently, your old beliefs and issues fade away.

But I also know how hard it is for most people to stay consistent. Most people don’t ascend ever and live the same old mediocre life. So it’s no wonder that there are so many issues people keep into adulthood. It’s fair to blame parenting as my parents didn’t do a great job and I had to seek out multiple mentors to learn how to succeed in life.

- Rick

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Ozzy Nero December 13, 2013 at 3:32 pm

Awesome post man!

I would just like to ask you, because I’m really struggling with myself to get my sh*t together. And I’m in a good road.

Anyway, how could you get rid of it in such short notice. I was dumped 7 months ago, and I’m baby steping it.
Any tips for me to improve this?

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Emil December 17, 2013 at 1:00 pm

Hello Rick.
I would rather recommend people to not date people with BPD or codependence problems. It will just create drama and crushed hearts. Much better to date normal people, so this others can go therapy and try to change. This is the only way to go. Otherwise great article.

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 2:18 am

Yea but people never listen to others so instead I’d rather just help as much as possible…

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Ken January 23, 2014 at 11:36 am

Rick,
Excellent advice on how to start get co-dependency handled! Your article hits on key elements towards moving forward in life with authority, confidence, and satisfaction as a man. Bravo!
However, in dealing with with more severe cases BPD women you shouldn’t sell the 100% claim that being a strong man, with purpose, and healthy identity can keep them happily regulated 24/7. Sure it can keep things reasonable for a period of time, but some BPD women (I know) are so far gone even if they were dating the most Alpha-confident guy on the planet, who set impeccable boundaries, and never flinched, they would still find a way to cheat! And, possibly even with a complete codependent flop of a man who pines and wails desperately for them- someone she can tool at will and for short term sport. These BPD types are so into creating drama, and pain that they can’t believe love is “love” unless it involves anguish, longing, and deceit. It is just their reality, period.
In this case once a man discovers his BPD woman is cheating all he should really do is calmly move on. Trying to be Jesus Christ to save, or guide her to a better path is not a winning proposition. Remember such a woman would even cheat on Jesus Christ himself, or would find a way to scream “You’re not man enough!!” at Muhamad Ali after his victory over George Foreman in Zaire. These women will always beg to hi hell for a “second” chance but once a cheater always a cheater. And what would James Bond do with a pleading BPD woman? Probably quote something along the lines of Rhett Butler in Gone with the wind:
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” And then move on. Bond wouldn’t devote his time to being a BPD woman’s long term emotional regulation device.
Remember to all men: Choose Women Wisely. Avoid BPD women and invest in the good ones.

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 2:01 am

I mean most of what you said here is right on. However, these woman aren’t hard to date when you know how. Yes, you’ve got to be much more of a narcissist than a co-dependent, but that doesn’t mean you be an asshole. Relationships with these women are tough because they’re insecure, end of story. The healthiest way to date these women is to not give in to their demands, to not give them respect when they give you none. Like you said, if they cheat then you gotta leave and make them beg for you back. You’ve really got to establish from the get go that you’re different from other guys and you’re NOT going to be a push over. You can’t be afraid to raise your voice and them and call them out on their crazy behavior.

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James February 1, 2014 at 1:50 pm

Rick, I agree that Co-dependency is a major issue when dealing with a borderline. Maybe that is why they are attracted to Narsisist. Even the Narsisist become prey to these borderlines.
Ok s o here is an example of living with a borderline from my own experience. Being a small businessman I have constant struggles with stress on a daily basis. One day I came home, after suffering multiple setbacks at work. I’m completely stressed out, I sat on the couch and asked the ex Bpd to get me a pill. She takes that as weakness? Living in a beautiful house, She suddenly looks at me to say that she doesn’t like driving in the yard because when it rains there is a puddle that her car has to cross. Then she asked me if there is any way that I can. Move the driveway to the back of the house because of the puddle? OR the time that she said that the shower was to small and if there was any way that I could remove the hot tube to put the shower in a different place? OR the hundreds of times that I cooked excellent meals for her , one morning she put two pieces of toast in the toaster, pulls one out butters it and goes and sits down. When I asked her if she could butter my toast she looked at me and said that I was a mommies boy. When. I was a young boy, I’ll always remember my. Mother once asking my father to get her a mirror for her room. He came home and hung a mirror the next day. Is that being Co- Dependant?
These people are mentally ill and if you think for one minute you will tame their sickness you are wrong. Without therapy they don’t get better.
O one last thing. She got in a car accident and I sent her to my forty year so called Narsisist friend to have her car fixed. he was a race car driver and
He did repairs for her behind my back for free.
I’m sure you already know what ended my relationship with this phyco and almost put me in jail. 6es they ended up having an affair. So you say that your book is going to stop all of this craziness ? maybe there is a simple solution in your book to hundreds of situations that pop up in our daily lives. I doubt that these people will ever get better. You may contain them for a while, a month, a year, or even ten years but as soon as. You drop your guard for a second it sends their brains into Phycosis and before you know it they are sleeping with the first dick that pops up to punish you.

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Rick February 5, 2014 at 1:55 am

Well your problem is you’re trying to contain them, lol. They’re people, not zoo animals. Why do you think one of my biggest beliefs is to focus on yourself and not your partner? If you weren’t so caught up with your girl’s petty shit, you’d probably be spending more time on yourself.

Yes it’s true that women like narcissists. Guess what a narcissist is? Someone who focuses on themselves! Lol. So while you may be angry here, look who won your girl in the end – the narcissist. Would I rather be a narcissist than a co-dependent? Damn right I would be.

The best you can do is learn from this situation. Now don’t go and polarize to being a narcissist but learn where you messed up and where the narcissist did good. BPD’s do NOT like co-dependents (no woman likes a co-dependent actually) so work on being more narcissistic but not in a bad way.

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ThankYouRick February 10, 2014 at 7:13 am

I am a mature, college educated male who was led to your site after the abrupt ending of a 10-month relationship* suspect of BPD. Although I am still the intelligent, confident, romantic, creative, talented and adoring rock she was initially attracted to, I’m missing a piece of the puzzle. Guilty as charged. I get it, now.

Had she not removed my guts and handed them back to me with a smile, I would have taken on 3 additional kids and an incredible (excessive) amount of emotional baggage. And, I would not be contributing today.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

*one of many over the last 15 years, including a 10-year marriage. I am a magnet.

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ThankYouRick February 12, 2014 at 10:08 am

** was… a magnet. Journey on.

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Subtle March 11, 2014 at 7:51 pm

I’m sold…….been feeling this actually for a while now and have been pulling away but not in a mean spirit just because on some level I have to not care because his shit isn’t my shit anymore. In a way I’m coming to terms with that comprehension and he will be with me or not……I love him but I’m not losing myself in his bullshit……………however I’m coming to terms with doing my own thing in life because that is just how it has to be whether he likes it or not……….and just shutting him down when he starts freaking out because it’s irrelevant to the truth. Still I’m going to buy your book because I know I’m just at the beginning of this realization and still vulnerable to being pulled in like I have been. I admit I am co-dependent. Every time he criticizes me or accuses me when he is going off I get sucked in even though I haven’t done what he thinks I have. He says I’m a tease because I’m friendlier than shit……..well I am……bubbly and all but there is a difference between that which he hates when he sees me interact with other men and actually betraying him. I’m as loyal as it gets I”m just an extrovert who is really good with people men and women. He doesn’t see that however and it freaks him out. By the time people are done talking to me they want to give me a hug good-bye………he however thinks I’m a tease. This is the root of all our problems…………for him to be happy I have to be covered up and flat affected. In my co-dependency I kept being punished by him and was made to feel like I was doing something wrong just because I hugged his friend good bye. blah blah blah…….don’t think there is anything wrong with that but my guy studied the art of touching for players and he believes it was a come on and for a BPD I guess that is as bad as being caught screwing. So I let him punish me forever about it, raging the works and shaming, shaming and shaming me…………..so now I’ve come to this realization about me which for an independent woman is strange but I see it clear as day. I was co-dependent and I’m sick of it.

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Sam March 26, 2014 at 12:11 pm

My “toxicontin” (don’t know about the BPD) and I have known each other for 10 years. The on and off was due to my co-dependency. She – narcissistic, seductive, “helpful” (controlling), self righteous, bounced around to guys, palpable anger, “proud being difficult”, etc. However, when I have exhibited strength of self…she seems more attracted. Over time I have learned to be more “self” than more worry. It’s ends up being a win-win. We are apart now (she-to a new source) because I would not give her a LTR and made her “work” for me–got tired and impatient-typical. But I learned what I am willing to handle and if not, at the end of the day — I AM GOOD.

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Rick April 10, 2014 at 6:42 pm

Yea at the end of the day you really got to think about what you want. Most people honestly are willing to put up with the abuse and inconsistency because they’re so damn desperate. They complain about it and they get hurt but it’s their fault for not leaving when things started getting crazy. We’ve all been there so I’m not judging anyone. It’s just that if you want a higher quality, consistent partner then you’ve got to really work on getting yourself to those levels before you think about dating.

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Erica April 25, 2014 at 12:17 am

This blog has made me aware of my co-dependency issue that I must break away from in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I love what ANON said in her comments. It describes my BPD man to the T and a great list of qualities as to why we want to be with a man with BPD. Every site I read before finding this one told me to get out, leave him and there’s no hope. Then, I found this one and gave me hope that not only can I live with my BPD boyfriend but I need to love myself and not let the way others feel about me effect my mood and how I feel about myself. (including my boyfriend) I will love him regardless and if he doesn’t like me for 16 hours then I have to deal with that because I know this is how he can be and how can I resent him when he warned me before he moved in with me. it will always be a roller-coaster but hopefully with me learning to love myself I can better cope with his feelings of paranoia and anger and not let it depress me. he’s never cheated on me (if he did, it’d be over, like it would be for any man in a relationship with me) he has a great job, amazing determination and he could protect me from anything. Im just tired of reading website after website saying if you’re with a BPD male then you’re fkd. Maybe one day I can help other women dealing with co-dependency and their BPD partners. there will be hard times and times when he doesn’t feel anything for me for 3 days straight but I won’t let it bother me or think any less of myself because of it. i made the decision to be with him and I love him. if it takes a turn for the worst and I need to get out then I hope I can gain the strength and learn to love myself enough to leave and be okay with being alone because it’s not the end of the world.

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Shelly June 5, 2014 at 4:16 pm

What a wealth of info. Am so new to this Bpd friendship relationship.
I have been training and hanging out a lot with this magnetic, full of energy, athletic good looking guy for the past 2 years…and am suspecting he has bpd. His line always been “I don’t want to hurt you” and he does not want ever to get involved in a relationship. He always says he wants to go wherever and with whoever not reporting to anyone.
Well through the years I ‘ve become emotionally attached to him and like him a lot. My saving grace..is I have no problem spending time by myself. I am quite independent. But I can see myself getting caught into his whirlwind of emotions if you let myself. That push and pull syndrome sucks my joie de vivre, destabilizes me and occupies my head space too much. So, i let him deal with his stuff and don’t engage in any of his bs. I let him talk and spill his guts. Until the next time.
Sometimes I wish I had more with this man… But reading all your comments I think am good where I am, being friends. Tough when you wish more but …at least he is looking out for me! I learned a lot from your comments. I will certainly put myself first.

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steven July 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm

I’ve been married 9 years but wwithy control, mood, abandonment issues I weighted my wife to the end of relationship. She no longer is interested in me romantically only friendly at this point. I’m having a hard time controlling my need to please to win her back no matter how much I hurt inside

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Bill August 19, 2014 at 2:59 pm

Was Adam a codependent (in the Garden)?

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