The more that I have learned about Borderline Personality Disorder and other dysfunctional relationships, the more I realize that most people in these relationships suffer from some sort of Codependency issues.
As I continue to bring on more and more long-term coaching clients, I’ve gotten much better at figuring out the causes of codependency and more importantly, how to smash these problems so you can live a healthier, happier life.
NOTE: The long-term coaching can get quite advanced so only sign up if you’re serious about changing your life and willing to reveal to me the details about your life.
I briefly touched on Codependency in my last article about the mistakes people make dating a BPD. It was the first time I mentioned it on my website because it is a something new that I have been researching heavily over the past couple of months.
And trust me when I say this – trying to date when you suffer from codependency does NOT make for a healthy relationship.
And when you combine that fact with a BPD, who is already dysfunctional, you are asking for a very damaging relationship. And it so happens that 98% of the people seeking help for their BPD relationships suffer from Codependency.
What does it mean to be Codependent?
Codependency basically means emotional dependence – your moods and feelings are dependent on how others feel about you.
It’s the deep meaning behind neediness which you should know is always extremely unattractive and only pushes people away.
BPD’s react differently however – they are insecure as well and will put up with your deep neediness in spurts before cheating on you ‘out of the blue’ or just dropping you completely leaving you lost and confused.
Normal people would simply break up with you or leave you. However, BPD’s have extreme abandonment issues (as do codependents – think about that for awhile) and are awfully afraid of losing you despite your neediness.
So even if you learn how to cover up your neediness, eventually your deep codependent roots will surface and drive you nuts because deep down you are just as needy as your BPD and fear abandonment just like they do.
BPD and Codependency Are Very Similar
Now you probably can’t believe I’m saying this, but it is true and makes so much sense when you learn about Codependency and it’s root issues. In fact, most personality disorders such as HPD, NPD and BPD are very similar to Codependency.
The difference is that usually a Codependent wasn’t physically left or physically abused as a child. There aren’t any deep, obvious emotional scarring issues. In most cases, both parents were present and the family grew up ‘normal’.
However, these ‘normal’ relationships tend to produce emotionally weak men and women. At least this is how I see it. I was raised in the church and drilled since a child by my mother to be a pushover and extremely nice. That will make any child a codependent because I am basing my actions to please others and not myself!
Suffice to say, once I figured this out and got my shit handled, my Codependency disappeared completely and my life literally made a 180 in under 2 weeks. That’s how fast things can change when you know HOW to change.
Codependency at it’s root is also a fear of abandonment – you’re trying your hardest to please other people and you’re depending on how other’s feel about you.
So when someone that you’re in a relationship with pisses you off, leaves you, doesn’t call you back, etc. you’re confused and hurt. You start over-analyzing things and can’t figure out what the heck is going on.
You might freak out and start stalking your partner trying to figure out what the hell they’re up to. You might write a nasty letter or perhaps a nice letter throwing out all of your feelings – only as an attempt to wheel them back in!
I am sure that you have done some of these things and none of them are healthy. As a Codependent, you are no better than your BPD partner. Does that damage your ego?
I truly hope a lot of what I am saying here is hitting you deep. It is absolutely vital that you understand how unhealthy it is to be a Codependent. You might think you’re being a ‘great partner’ and a ‘good person’ but the fact remains that being a Codependent isn’t healthy despite what your good parents taught you.
I truly believe Codependency is more manipulative than personality disorders because you at least know everything that you’re doing whereas a Borderline might honestly have no feelings for you during one of their crazy episodes – which means they aren’t being manipulative. They’re simply not into you!
For 16 hours.
60% of all marriages end in divorce and I believe it’s because most people don’t have their emotions under control. It is definitely something that you need to think about.
If you’re worried about how someone else feels towards you, you do not have your emotions under control!
“But Rick, isn’t the whole point of a relationship to be in love with another person? Why shouldn’t we worry about how our partner feels towards us?”
That’s what EVERYBODY asks me when I talk about Codependency and the answer is truly simple:
If you truly trust your partner, you don’t have to even worry about whether they love you or not. Retention as I call it becomes a non-factor. People will gravitate towards you and fight to be with you. Every single ex girlfriend of mine has popped out of nowhere interested in ‘catching up’ all within the last 2 months.
Coincidence? Absolutely not.
Women can smell a real man from the other side of the world. They are THAT rare.
Real men are NOT Codependent. Do you think for one second that James Bond would get emotional over a woman?
And when you start behaving this way, you’re going to naturally work at making your life as amazing as possible because you are putting your self first – which partners love and respect!
If everybody actually knew this concept, divorce would drop to below 10% and everybody would be happy.
END OF STORY!
Breaking Free From Codependency
Now I am willing to bet that 9 out of 10 people reading this article are codependent. The reason I believe that is because people that are NOT codependent aren’t affected by the craziness of men and women, especially BPD.
Because their feelings aren’t affected by others.
If you need to reread that, then please do so because it is an extremely important concept that you must grasp. It is one that took me awhile to actually pinpoint and something that I struggled with for awhile as most men and women do.
The fact that a person is able to make you get on a message board and ask for advice means that you’re being affected by somebody else. The fact that you’re reading this article and seeking information means that you are in need of help – you are affected by your partner’s recent attitude and you want change.
Now don’t get down on yourself or anything – the best way to heal is to learn as I have. It’s why I studied codependency immensely and it is truly the #1 thing you must fix in order to successfully date a BPD.
A lot of people are looking for ways to ‘deal’ with their BPD or how to ‘handle’ him or her, when the real issue is that you need to learn how to handle yourself.
I talk about this all the time on here even before I learned about Codependency – you need to establish boundaries, you need to demand respect (which means you must respect yourself), you need to not allow your partner to walk all over you and you need to not be affected by their craziness.
Those are all things I have been talking about for a long time and ultimately they help you break free from your Codependency. Once you are able to stop being a codependent, a BPD relationship won’t be that much different from a normal relationship.
Your BPD partner will consistently want you because you’ll be the ONLY person in their life that isn’t being driven crazy by their craziness. Do you understand how important that is for them? EVERY single partner they’ve ever had has let them down – usually by becoming crazy themselves! I’m sure you can relate to that as BPD’s tend to drive all of their partners crazy eventually…
Their parents have let them down.
Their friends have let them down.
Brothers and sisters have given up on them.
Are you starting to get it?
94% of the population (in my opinion) does NOT know how to handle their own emotions. It’s that rare 6% of the population that CAN handle their emotions and it’s these 6% that consistently have high quality relationships, lots of friends, and an overall amazing life style.
Because they have their shit together.
I believe that having your shit together simply means you aren’t affected by others thoughts and opinions of you. You simply brush them off and keep moving on with your life. Haters gonna hate as they say. When it comes to a partner, you can’t let their negativity affect you.
To reach this point, you MUST learn about Codependency and get it handled ASAP!
Trust me guys – I know you’re all looking for advice on BPD relationships and my BPD book is a great resource for that. But be sure you understand what Codependency is while you go through my book because things will click for you over and over again.
Let this post be a great resource for you while you go through my book. It’s very important that you get a handle on your emotions, but you need to know WHY you have to do this.
I explain the methods on HOW to date a BPD in my book.
But now you know why: to overcome Codependency.
Let my current lifestyle be an inspiration for you and your future relationships. You can have it all within just a few weeks once you learn to take control of your own emotions and to stop relying on how other’s feel about you.
It’s time to get SELFISH in a good way. It is all about YOU. And your partner will love it.
Talk to you soon.