Why Is Codependency A Serious Problem For Relationships?

codependency problem relationships

The more time that you spend learning about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and other behavioral relationships, the more you will realize that most people in these relationships suffer from some sort of Codependency issues.

BPD’s are usually also very codependent individuals. They seek the same love and affection that codependents seek. But BPD related issues get in the way.

Over the years, I have gotten much better at figuring out the causes of codependency and more importantly, how to smash these problems so you can live a happier and healthier life.

I began my research into codependency several years ago just as you are doing now because I felt the same things that you’re feeling now.

Sure enough, I realized that I had a lot of codependency issues and thus I worked on fixing them. The more I educated myself on human behavior and relationship mindsets, the quicker I conquered my codependency issues.

So let’s dive in and explore more about Codependency and what you can do starting now to fix these issues…

What Does It Mean To Be Codependent?

Codependency basically means emotional dependence – your moods and feelings are dependent on how others feel about you.

It’s the deep, core issue behind neediness which can quickly cause your boyfriend or girlfriend to lose attraction for you. In other words, neediness pushes people away. You lose your mystery, your awesomeness, your challenging traits. You become a pushover.

However, BPD’s react differently which creates problems for you. You know that they are insecure already. Therefore, they will put up with your deep neediness just like you will put up with their issues.

Eventually though, the attraction wears out and the BPD grows cold, leaves you, possibly cheatson you ‘out of the blue’ or just drops you completely and won’t return your calls or texts.

BPD’s have extreme fears of abandonment issues (as do codependents) and are awfully afraid of losing you despite your unattractive neediness. Dating a BPD requires many strong factors such as respect, boundaries, knowledge, firmness and much more. The truth is that most people aren’t educated enough to handle these relationships.

So even if you learn how to cover up your neediness, eventually your codependent side will be exposed just like the true character of a BPD – one that has complete lack of emotional control, instability, fear and more.

Here are additional articles to further your learning:

  • The Fear of Abandonment – what exactly is the fear of abandonment? In this article, I share my belief on the subject and what you can do about it.
  • Dating Someone with BPD - dating people with BPD can be extremely difficult; that is, if you don’t know how. Fortunately for you, I’ve learned many things over the years that help with these relationships.
  • Master Your Emotions – in order to break free from your codependent nature, you need to learn how to control and master your emotions. Check out this article to learn how.

Symptoms and Similarities of Codependency and BPD

As you spend the time to learn more and more about codependency, you’ll notice that it overlaps which many other types of behavioral personality disorders such as HPD, NPD, BPD and more.

And under all of these personality disorders come dozens and dozens of different issues that people have. This is why I educate people to focus on the particular individual instead of the diagnosis.

Usually a codependent person wasn’t physically left or abused as a child. You may feel that you grew up in a normal, healthy family with good parents as I did. However, there was still a failure in upbringing that brought you to these emotional, dependent issues.

I was raised in the church and drilled since a child by my mother to be a pushover and extremely nice. That will make any child a codependent because I am basing my actions to please others, avoid confrontation, be passive, turn the other cheek, help others before I help myself. It’s good morals taught poorly.

Codependency at it’s root is also a fear of abandonment – you’re trying your hardest to please other people and you’re dependent on how other’s feel about you. When things go sour, you can’t help but want to fix the problem, make things right and you can’t take your mind off of it.

So when someone that you’re in a relationship with pisses you off, leaves you, doesn’t call you back, etc. you’re confused and hurt. You start over-analyzing things and can’t figure out what the heck is going on. You just want to make things right again!

You might freak out and start stalking your partner trying to figure out what the hell they’re up to. You might write a nasty letter or perhaps a nice letter throwing out all of your feelings – only as an attempt to wheel them back in (which usually ends up in disaster).

I truly hope a lot of what I am saying here is hitting you deep. I want you to understand that neither codependency or BPD is a healthy way to live. You might think you’re being a ‘great partner’ and a ‘good person’ but the fact remains that being a codependent isn’t healthy despite what you were told growing up.

Codependency can be more manipulative than BPD because you at least know everything that you’re doing whereas a Borderline constantly juggles with feelings. They usually aren’t intentionally being manipulative.

The Unhealthy Nature of Codependency

60% of all marriages end in divorce and I believe it’s because most people don’t have their emotions under control, they have no direction in life, no passion, no purpose. They’re slaves to the corporate life and the fire simply burns out.

In today’s society, we’re brought up believing that to be successful, we need to get a good job, make the money, start a family, pay the bills, go on vacations and life will be great!

Oh what a huge lie. This is why it’s not really your fault that things just aren’t working out the way you envisioned them. But you still MUST accept responsibility so that you can begin moving forward. Denial leads to death as I say.

If you’re the type of person that likes to simply ‘go with the flow’, then that flow is going to wash all over your flame and burn all that desire your partner originally had for you.

A lot of marriages don’t end in divorce, but it doesn’t mean that the couples aren’t happy. Most couples I see on a day to day basic are miserable. It’s a sad picture. If only there were a way to reignite the fire (pun intended).

I posted a link above that will take you to my article about emotional control. I want you to read that after you’re done here. I’m not saying that you need to lose your emotions. You simply need to get good at controlling them so that you can remain in that state of complete confidence in yourself.

The best soldiers on the battlefield are those that never panic. They assess the situation for what it is and they stay under control. Refer to Band of Brothers as this is what made Easy Company so dominant against Hitler’s armies.

Breaking Free From Codependency

What I have learned over the years helping thousands of people is that every single one of us has issues. There isn’t a single person on the planet that’s without imperfections. We all have our own personal story which defines our mindsets and beliefs.

I believe that most of us have some sort of codependency issues. I think it’s simply in our nature to want to give love and be loved. There’s times where we want to be alone of course, but there’s also times where we want to love and cherish and grow with.

But this can become a problem when your mind and feelings are influenced heavily by another person. When all of your validation is through someone else other than yourself.

Its this validation seeking mentality that really screws people up. It’s what I believe is the true cause of codependency. You’re not happy unless you got love from others.

It’s the belief that you’re just not good enough without the love and fulfillment from others.

This is a very toxic mindset that will always cause problems in relationships. Being codependent isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just when it gets too extreme and consumes your life, just like with BPD or any other personality disorder.

Now don’t get down on yourself, don’t beat yourself up here. Just accept the responsibility for the way you are the things that have happened. The best way to heal is to educate yourself like you are doing now.

The reason that I’m so heavily involved in teaching you all about BPD and codependency and everything else is because I spent years educating myself so that I would never get hurt again. I have all these experiences and knowledge that I can’t just keep to myself.

You might be looking for ways to ‘deal’ with their BPD or how to ‘handle’ him or her. Or maybe you know you’re codependent and you realize that it’s been a negative factor in your relationships.

Either way, the first step of action in both cases is for you to take responsibility for what has happened (even if you feel that it isn’t your fault). Only then you you take the next step which is becoming the best version of yourself through constant, daily improvement.

From there, you can work on establishing boundaries, you’ll develop a high level of respect for yourself, your partner will quit pushing you away and walking all over you.

Those are all things I have been talking about for a long time and ultimately they help you break free from your Codependency. Once you are able to stop being a codependent, a BPD relationship won’t be that much different from a normal relationship (since you’re not affected by their negative/crazy behavior).

Your BPD partner will consistently want you because you’ll be the ONLY person in their life that isn’t being driven crazy by their craziness.

Why?

Because you have your body, mind and spirit completely under control. A state of zen if you will.

I believe that having your shit together simply means you aren’t affected by others thoughts and opinions of you. You simply brush them off and keep moving on with your life. Haters gonna hate as they say. When it comes to a partner, you can’t let their negativity affect you.

Here are more articles to further your education:

  • Common Dating Mistakes – these are the most common mistakes people make in relationships. Go through this article and fix the ones that apply.
  • Why People Cheat in Relationships – if you’ve been cheated on in the past, or worried that your partner might, read this article to learn more about cheating.
  • Mistakes that Turn Your Partner Off – in this article, I present 7 mistakes that people do in relationships. These mistakes result in turning your partner off which can damage the relationship.

Conclusion

I truly believe that success in any type of relationship is when you’ve developed the skills and knowledge to reach this state of zen. This state where your emotions are under your control, you’re completely confident in yourself and your ability to succeed, you can love freely and be loved as well.

Conquering codependency and succeeding in any type of loving relationship requires that you work on reaching these goals. Spend every waking moment of your life on being a better version of your self.

It’s why I created this blog and everything else I do so I can share everything that I have learned and experienced on my journey.

Pick up these 4 free guides I have where I go into much more depth about relationships, drama, mindsets and more:

Click Here to Create Your Free Account

- Rick

The Relationship Survival Pack
4 Free High-Quality Guides On Relationships, Dating, Mindsets, Drama, Boundaries and More

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Comments

  1. Codependent says

    Sounds like rather than suffering from Codependency, you now suffer with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Get over yourself.

    • Rick says

      Sounds like my advice gets under your skin. You obviously have BPD but you probably think you’re perfect and everyone else is crazy, right?? In order to have any legitimate chance of a successful relationship with anyone (not just a BPD), you can’t be codependent. It results in cheating, heartache, pain, etc.

        • Rick says

          It’s more like I don’t care to diagnose because I’d rather work on my own attractiveness and accomplishments than try to fix a partner of mine. Think of yourself as a magnet that sucks people in. Then you won’t have to worry whether they’re BPD or not because you won’t have time for the drama – it won’t surface.

  2. Sean says

    Geday Rick,

    Your dead right Rick! Good on you! Totally for it! The first year into my 2 1/2 year relationship I had morals and didn’t put up with any shit, she decided to get on anti depressants without telling me the full truth, found out, she was in a bad way, diagnosed with BPD,felt sorry for her, let my guard down and babied her?has basically taken advantage of the situation and I totally agree. She has impulsive spending and is in trouble with the mortgage, took away all her comfort today and packed my bags!! Asked her to choose between 2 photos on the wall? Her reply “you choose” and off she went to work, took your advice from your threads and will continue to do so,,, my reply via a note” it’s all about Respect! Keep the photos I won’t loose any sleep, see ya!! I’m back already, I want a book, where can I buy one!! RESPECT that’s the way it needs to be both ways, Rick your on the money mate, happy days !!

  3. Michael says

    Rick is not a Narc. There is a fine line between a Narc & a confident person. Rick still cares for others, shows empathy, etc. (the list goes on). He just doesn’t take peoples crap; he has standards he lives by. IMO he’s a damn role model.

  4. Michael says

    Rick,

    Any good resources for Codependency? I’ve done a lot of research but most of it is geared towards all kinds of spiritual interpretations that frankly create confusion and do not address an actual solution.

    • Rick says

      I’m going to be releasing some codependency material in the near future simply for the reason that there isn’t much material out there on it and it’s a HUGE problem most guys have, and they don’t even know it. It not only ruins relationships, but it makes guys depressed as hell and they don’t have any idea why they feel that way. So yes, I will be getting on it soon. Email me for more help.

  5. NYC says

    I enjoyed reading your post. It gave a lot of insite on codependance and thank you.

    Yeas maybe edit some of your self proclaimed examples of women wanting to date you and you being void of emotions by labelling your exs with with BPD. I think it takes the emphasis off your pretty spot on concept of co dependence and advice which i as a female enjoyed reading but the lasting effect that sabataged your post was that any femal reading this may be more likely to become frustrated when you shifted focus on a Neanderthal opinion without medical diagnosis of your exs.

    • Rick says

      Note taken. It’s fun going back and reading some of my old posts because now 6 months later I am on a whole different level than I was when I wrote the post. I actually go through and edit a lot of my old posts to make them more relevant to my mindsets and beliefs today instead of writing a whole new article on virtually the same subject. It’s not the best way to go in regards to getting more rankings in the search engines, but the higher quality my articles means the more people enjoy my content and follow me which is best for the long run.

  6. L says

    I can’t tell you enough how just by reading a couple of pages of your blog it’s completely calmed down my daily nerves. I caught my BPD boyfriend with another girl not a week ago and it’s been a fucking rollercoaster since then. Suicide threats, constant contact, crying, going to the doctor to ‘get sorted’, proposal.

    Well, I accepted, and I’ve been kicking myself ever since because the two or so days I spent away from him/everyone made me completely 100% feel myself again – and now I feel like I’m setting myself up for a fall/another struggle. But I love him, stupid me, and I can’t help but feel like the only person who’s willing to try and help. But…agh. It’s not easy, it won’t be – I’m only 22 and this year alone has aged me at least 5 years and driven me to two suicide attempts and nearly had me lose my University degree, all of my friends are alienated and my flatmates didn’t even say goodbye when I moved out because they were sick of the regular police visits and domestic violence/arguments. I think I really REALLY need your book. I’ve also got a mother with depression as well as problems at work, but all I can think of is the future the future the future. But I know it’ll be fucking hard. Agh. Shit. This all sounds really bad the more I write. I just want him to be happy, but it feels like I’m fighting AGAINST him for that, and losing daily. Losing my mind, my life, my confidence, my job, my friends, my family, my everything. I’ve fallen into his fucking rabbit hole and now I’ve messed up the last chance I had to wake up from this fucking nightmare.

    • Rick says

      Well Lucy I really can’t help you here. YOU know what you need to do. And I know it as well.

      I’ve unfortunately come to the conclusion that women should never date a guy that has BPD. Sorry, but it’s just completely different than girls with BPD. Certain guys can handle a girl with BPD all day, every day no prob. But a girl will NEVER be able to handle a male BPD simply because of the male-female dynamic. Fuck feminism. Women follow men and need us to be strong. BPD men can never provide that consistently.

      I really have no idea why women are attracted to BPD men. They’re honestly the most unattractive, insecure people alive.

      This is all on you honey. If you want to set yourself up for life failure, then be my guest. If anything, my book will teach you what a real man is like and hopefully convince you to get out of this disastrous situation. I mean you just accepted a proposal to a man that cheated on you a few days ago. WTF???

      • ANON says

        I felt the same way reading her comment about the cheating! No, No No! Do not marry a cheater!!
        As you can see from my other comment under anon on the same day about the “respect” article the reason I’m in limbo is because my BPD has not cheated and is very faithful.
        He is also not physically abusive or any other disgusting thing. He hasn’t done anything extreme that would destroy the relationship. He crosses boundaries in a grey area.

        I can explain why my male in my life with BPD is attractive, but I can’t explain for all males with BPD because I know three females with it over my life but he is the only male.

        Firstly though gross men that hit women and severely abuse are most likely Narcissistic not BPD. From my years online and books and so many comments and emails over time I have learned that NPD is a different and more extreme kind of guy and I agree he is repellent.

        Why the attraction to male BPD:

        -He’s highly intelligent
        -Often more compassionate (the reason I put up with the excessive negative emotions/overreactions is because the positive aspects are also excessive) kind of a balance/payoff.
        -This is work it for a sensitive person like me where other guys would say “suck it up sweetheart” he endless time for me or no time. “Middle road” men just don’t have that endless time & affection.
        -Romantic and understand romance
        -Creative
        -Emotional depth and thoughtfulness, huge amount of empathy
        -understanding of women
        -Attractive mixture of a very physically and mentally strong, muscular, good looking male, who is somewhat emotional and gets that part of a woman that is emotional.
        This caters to the female need to be protected AND emotionally understood.
        -Mixed interests-loves extreme sports, masculine hobbies, AND also likes the arts, culture etc
        -They feel like the best of both worlds
        -Insecurity leads to taking really good care of themselves & being modest as they don’t know how good they really are. (it is also sad as I want him to know he’s great but he thinks he is ugly…)
        -High achievers
        -assertive confidence
        -highly sexual
        -magnetic
        -High energy and gets things done, adventurous–helps me out of my shell, helps push my boundaries often in positive way.
        -dramatic (appeals to romantic/artistic women)
        -big big heart. Does anything for a friend in need. No matter how angry if I really need him I know I can rely on him in crisis, he is reliable.
        -faithful, intensely focus on one person
        -Just a good human being most of the time.

        Hope that explains the attraction. :-)

        • ANON says

          Essentially they are magnified humans.

          BPD man has man bad qualities that are difficult but just as many good.

          It’s like taking those qualities and blowing them up–everything is intense, therefore the attraction is the intensity of their good points.

      • Dayna says

        I have to step in here and reply to L’s story. By my response, you will be able to tell I am a major co-dependent but even though a human has all the FACTS of what co-dependency is and the characteristics of BPD, it doesnt overide the strong feelings of love. The attractiveness in a BPD male is not the bad traits of the disorder, it is the way a man reels you in at the beginning where he is suddenly a warm, compassionate, caring person that caters to your needs and treats you like you are extremely special. The BPD parts of him start trickling in little by little over time as he gets bored with being loved. Its not that easy to just turn off all love and feeling towards him because now you realize the FACTS, especially for a co-dependent who sincerely cares for their mate. Even when you pull away, the BPD plays on your caring, gulilt, in turn igniting the co-dependent disorder in full swing. Its a mess. BPD men can be very carrismatic and charming. Its a mind f. You can get out and be happy again and even continue to be kind to them while you draw the lines (boundaries). It takes practice and a real live Hope that your life is definately going to get better and better even through the initial pain of feeling like you are deserting this poor soul and they cant survive without you. Its simple not true, they will be fine. Just keep pointing them in the direction where they can receive help and it’s not you.

        • Rick says

          Yup I understand. It’s why I teach to not wear your heart on your sleeve and be slow to commit your feelings. If a man is giving you all that charm and affection early on, that should actually be a warning sign. What have you done to deserve so much love and affection? Think about that :)

  7. Mel says

    A lot of good information on here. You are dead on when you say you have to “get your shit together ” That totallly clicked with me because that is what I’m in the process of doing and so far it has been great. I believe myself to be a (recovering ) co dependant who was with someone who may be mildly bpd. I was struggling discover what it was inside of me that either sought out or attracted somebody who is suffering from this , also why I chose to stay and why I am having such a hard time with the break up. I know it is best beause it’s taken it’s toll on both of us. I do love him deeply . I miss him terribly. But I dont miss the fights, the stress, the cyclical patterns, the back and forth. I could always sense that I was being tested. He even warnede at the beginning not to let me walk all over him. I thought that was a strange thing to say to somebody you were just starting a relationship with and always kept that in the back of my mind . When we first met i had very strong boundaries set I was very independent and strong willed, I was willing to walk at the first sign of bs and I think he respected that. Unfortunately there was a shift ( I fell for him) and once the bad behavior started happening I tolerated it . More and more . The more I tolerated the less he respected me and the more I tried to gain his approval. Vicious cycle. No matter what the test I was determined to pass , to show I wouldn’t turn my back on him, to show how “strong” I was when in reality it was making me look like a doormat who had no self respect . Its such a vicious cycle and it’s really tiring and I don’t want to fall prey to it again. Right now I’m focused on myself and it feels good. I know my life will only get even better and i will be preventing myself from
    Any more damaging situations. Sometimes I wonder if I was where I needed to before we got together if some of this would have turned out differently. If I had remained that girl who didn’t put up with and bs and was willing to walk maybe he would have tried a little harder to keep his own shit in check. I know that his Own unresolved issues cause him suffering, and I wish better for him because I do love him
    Very much and want better for him. I don’t know if he knows how it feels to be truly happy. As sad as that makes me, the only person I can be responsible for and change is myself

  8. Amanda Lee says

    James Bond? Really? Is that really a good example of someone with healthy relationships? I think not. Healthy relationships are Interdependent, meaning they depend on each other. Being Codependent is not necessarily a ‘disorder’ unless you’re depending on someone who is not dependable. In that case, you need to learn to handle disappointment and reevaluate who you trust, instead of trying to change people. It is a lot more practical to control yourself than to control other people. You can not change the BPD person, but you can control how you let them treat you. Sticking around to deal with them reinforces their believe that their behavior is acceptable. Do both yourselves a favor and tell them what is not acceptable, than do not accept anything less. LEAVE.

    • Rick says

      Well stated, and this is exactly what I recommend. Do keep in mind that a lot of my articles are quite old now (in internet time) and might differ compared to my newer ones – which is why I’ve been going back and updating older articles :)

  9. Rick says

    Rick, you’re dead on, man! This is exactly the kick in the ass I needed to man up. Co-dependency = weakness, and no woman wants to be with a weak man, just like you say above.

    I think many men could benefit from this if you wrote a book on this. Kick them in the backside too!! hahaha Blessings to you, dude

    • Rick says

      I’ve got a new book coming soon called Toxicity. It’s going to release is June so get ready! I may do a separate product on Codependency as it is a problem, but the deeper issues are discussed in the new book.

  10. Ashley says

    Rick, You sound exactly like someone I know with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I was married to it. Take a look in the mirror!

  11. Solange says

    I need help. I don’t have my shit together.
    For the last year, I’ve been in a relationship with a man who has cheated on me, given me an STD, made me pay for his tuition on my credit cards. I’ve attempted suicide, been on disability. I’ve since returned to work, in another town and am away from this man. I feel completely out of control.
    We break up because I say “no more” and then beg him to come back.
    I’m pathetic, and I know it. I need to learn how to love myself again, because I know that if I do, I won’t be in a relationship like this. I know that love shouldn’t hurt, and this is killing me.
    I just don’t know how to begin, and how to move through the process. I wish I knew the steps it would take, and how to do it as painlessly as possible….not for him, but for myself. I’m already in enough pain.
    I DID find this page because I’m looking for help. I searched for it. I’m still searching. I need to know what I have to do, and I’m still lost about that. Do I need to end this relationship? And if so, how do I do that? Is there support out there for people like me? Because I feel so fucked up, and so very alone. I read your page and it seems like good advice, but I hesitate to label him as anything.
    Can you direct me to any information or resources to get past this cycle?

    • Rick says

      Yup end it because you obviously are way to dependent on this person. Why don’t you just be happy with yourself?

  12. Anna says

    Really Rick?
    You really have it all down pat don’t you.
    I’m a classic BPD female who openly shares this information with new partners since my last major relationship fell apart due to my BPD and his issue… well he was just an arsehole.

    I hope you have some qualifications. You give a lot of advice. BPD is a serious mental illness. Sufferers live in constant emotional turmoil. Their partners do too. As you seem to know so well. Our partners need qualified professional information to refer to. I can sit and explain to them as much as I can about what to expect, but until the crap hits the fan they just don’t get it.

    Your arrogant, know it all, I’m so freaking cool attitude helps nobody. So you are so chilled out your partners all come back to you. That doesn’t make you special. We ALL do that. Lucky you for being strong enough to survive so many BPD relationships. But the question is. If you are so brilliant at handling BPD relationships, why have you had so many? Why couldn’t you make just one of them work?

    Methinks YOU may have a codependency issue.

    • Rick says

      I’ve obviously got your panties in a bunch which means what I speak is truth. Fact remains, BPD’s don’t even bring out their bad behavior when they date quality guys – hence why I haven’t had any issues with any relationships for the past couple of years. The power of choice is strong.

  13. Broc says

    Rick is pretty right on. I think pickup guys call it AFC. Average Frustrated Chump. But co dependent seems parallel- BPD-girls are usually very attractive and pull ALL kinds of Crazy stuff bc they can get away with it, and other guys are right there to be a white knight encase you mess up. I know i fight the urge to be polite, compliant and the good guy…next thing ya know shes gone. wait what?..ohhh no! lol Got to lead-set boundaries-and put yourself first- it seems selfish but your showing a girl that you know what you want-her being part of that- good stuff man keep it up. Love the Bond reference! Rick, do you think my first bpd cause me to accidentally slip into a co-d role? I kinda feel like i slipped….when we split I snapped out of it.

    • Rick says

      Pick up guys always fail in their first couple of relationships because PUA techniques attract low quality women (even if she’s hot). They think their techniques got them the woman, but it turns out that they just happened to get lucky and scored a needy, low-quality girl who’s probably rebounding. Hence, the toxic relationship. So the PUA thinks he’s finally got the girl and then he goes back to his old self which in unattractive to even the lowest quality of girls.

      This is ultimately why the pick up industry is a joke. It’s all just insecure, low quality guys trying to fake their way into relationships. Sure they lose their virginity eventually to low quality women, but I’ve never once heard of any PUAs to actually get a quality girl. It’s only when you notice how retarded the PUA world is and reject everything it teaches that you can actually work on becoming an attractive man and get the girls you want.

      PUA will NEVER get you a high quality girl. Ever. But if you want to pull average or below average girls from bars, then yea it’ll help you out. But it comes with a cost, always whether that’s random pregnancy/kids, stds, etc.

    • ThømãSRamqµíst™ says

      Wow.wow….wow.
      I am FINALLY very excited about my relationship future…….. I have a choice.
      I can choose “the dark side of the force.” (Co-fucking-dependency)
      OR
      I can be a “Jedi Knight”.
      Rick…in my humble opinion…you are a “Yoda”…and you just built, for me, one bad ass light sabre.
      But….you built, for me, only a tool…a weapon, a means of defense and survival.
      NOW….it is all up to ME…To buy your books and learn the ways of “The Force” and INCORPORATE that into my life…So I will learn, and KNOW, that I will NEVER be co-dependent again. And I truly can ALREADY “see” the result of having that knowledge…in my FUTURE ACTIONS.
      This I KNOW…The one…and ONLY THING that I can CONTROL… are MY OWN THOUGHTS.
      I have been searching for this missing puzzle piece for a very, very, long time.
      To the people who have said (from comments that I read) or to the person reading this. Yep right NOW you are reading this (it does not matter what year it is because I am writing this part really for YOU…in the future).
      Rick does not hold a degree on this topic nor is he licenced. But he is so confident in his skill set that he would pit his expertise against ANY so called “licenced, trained, certified,etc. ‘Expert’ “.
      Let me ask you this….Did someone ‘certify’, Steve Jobs or John Lennon or Abraham Lincoln or a Great Mom or Dad, or Yoda??… : ) fuck no!!!!
      These people ‘certified themselves’ through DEDICATION, PERSEVERANCE, EXPERIENCE and HARD WORK….and because they had “VISION”…and these sorts of individuals “see” what most of us can not….and they want to SHARE THAT WHAT THEY SEE…. visionaries.
      From what I see…Rick is taking his knowledge of this “good side of the force” and refining it, striving to make it better. Because he also wants to “speak to you” (the one who is r e a d î n g these very words right NOW in YOUR present moment)
      That is something else visionaries do…they see ahead of most of us.
      I write this all very humbly…for “future me’s”. Cuz I fukin suffered from BPD girlfriends…. NOW I get it…. I hope you will “get it” I have to CHANGE because I never want to be co-dependent EVER AGAIN.
      Thank you Rick for building me my light sabre!!! Now I know it’s up to ME to do the rest! Because I want to be in that 6%…..
      Because I KNOW , in the future, a female will “say” to me…”Tom I need to cut you down, yell scream, and hurt you now.”
      And I will say, (using my newfound Jedi Mind Powers ) ” No, you do not need to cut me down,yell scream, and hurt me now. Go in peace.” And she WILL COMPLY.
      Rick….You are…and this IS “Next Level Shit!”
      Thank You,
      ThømãSRamqµíst™

      • Rick says

        Haha thanks for that. But do understand that it’s the Jedi (white knights) that are failure. I would much rather be an Anakin and seduce princesses than be a Yoda ;)

  14. Ashley says

    Rick- I have enjoyed reading this post however I think a few things need to be addressed. A LOT of codependent people (myself included) grew up in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional environment which has helped to create the codependent behaviors. It’s a survival tool. To say most families are “normal” isn’t accurate. Most codependents are adult children of alcoholics/addicts/dysfunctional families.

    Second, while I think it’s GREAT you’ve reversed your codependent ways in “under 2 weeks” I think it’s HIGHLY unlikely and unrealistic for others to think they will do the same. Codependency hits at on a very deep level. Ultimately, we have no idea who we really are. We have found our identity in the eyes of the people closest to us. We base our values off other people’s actions and feelings about us. That can take YEARS to accept, let alone change!

    We don’t find ourselves in relationships with people with BPD/NPD/etc because of surfaced issues that can be fixed in 2 weeks.

    On the flip side, there are levels of codependency. Some people are GREATLY affected by it (like myself) and have been their whole lives. And other people aren’t affected as badly (perhaps like you?) and it is easier to adjust. But chances are if you’re involved with someone who has a compulsive disorder/issue you’re not that person.

    I did completely agree with being in control of your own emotions. It’s human nature to want the people we are romantically connected to to think highly of us but it should not be the ‘end all, be all’ of our existence.

    Being healthy takes work especially coming from a dysfunctional upbringing.

    The book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie is by far the best book on the subject and anyone who is at the site or in need of real guidance should check it out! It hasn’t sold 8 million copies for nothing ;)

    • Rick says

      I’ll check the book out. The thing about codependency and BPD is that there are many, many levels to it all. Everyone is unique is that regard. However, I did have massive codependency. Why do you think I seemed to only date BPD’s in the past? They fulfilled that void I used to desire deep down despite the craziness.

      Now one thing I cannot accept anymore is the idea that you can’t change your ways. The reality is that if you follow the science I write about in my new book Toxicity, no matter what you do you’ll become a higher quality individual based just on the fact that when your life ascends consistently, your old beliefs and issues fade away.

      But I also know how hard it is for most people to stay consistent. Most people don’t ascend ever and live the same old mediocre life. So it’s no wonder that there are so many issues people keep into adulthood. It’s fair to blame parenting as my parents didn’t do a great job and I had to seek out multiple mentors to learn how to succeed in life.

      – Rick

    • Kim says

      I read the book “Codependent No More” in 2013. It completely changed every facet of my life. I highly recommend this book!

  15. Ozzy Nero says

    Awesome post man!

    I would just like to ask you, because I’m really struggling with myself to get my sh*t together. And I’m in a good road.

    Anyway, how could you get rid of it in such short notice. I was dumped 7 months ago, and I’m baby steping it.
    Any tips for me to improve this?

  16. Emil says

    Hello Rick.
    I would rather recommend people to not date people with BPD or codependence problems. It will just create drama and crushed hearts. Much better to date normal people, so this others can go therapy and try to change. This is the only way to go. Otherwise great article.

    • Rick says

      Yea but people never listen to others so instead I’d rather just help as much as possible…

  17. Ken says

    Rick,
    Excellent advice on how to start get co-dependency handled! Your article hits on key elements towards moving forward in life with authority, confidence, and satisfaction as a man. Bravo!
    However, in dealing with with more severe cases BPD women you shouldn’t sell the 100% claim that being a strong man, with purpose, and healthy identity can keep them happily regulated 24/7. Sure it can keep things reasonable for a period of time, but some BPD women (I know) are so far gone even if they were dating the most Alpha-confident guy on the planet, who set impeccable boundaries, and never flinched, they would still find a way to cheat! And, possibly even with a complete codependent flop of a man who pines and wails desperately for them- someone she can tool at will and for short term sport. These BPD types are so into creating drama, and pain that they can’t believe love is “love” unless it involves anguish, longing, and deceit. It is just their reality, period.
    In this case once a man discovers his BPD woman is cheating all he should really do is calmly move on. Trying to be Jesus Christ to save, or guide her to a better path is not a winning proposition. Remember such a woman would even cheat on Jesus Christ himself, or would find a way to scream “You’re not man enough!!” at Muhamad Ali after his victory over George Foreman in Zaire. These women will always beg to hi hell for a “second” chance but once a cheater always a cheater. And what would James Bond do with a pleading BPD woman? Probably quote something along the lines of Rhett Butler in Gone with the wind:
    “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” And then move on. Bond wouldn’t devote his time to being a BPD woman’s long term emotional regulation device.
    Remember to all men: Choose Women Wisely. Avoid BPD women and invest in the good ones.

    • Rick says

      I mean most of what you said here is right on. However, these woman aren’t hard to date when you know how. Yes, you’ve got to be much more of a narcissist than a co-dependent, but that doesn’t mean you be an asshole. Relationships with these women are tough because they’re insecure, end of story. The healthiest way to date these women is to not give in to their demands, to not give them respect when they give you none. Like you said, if they cheat then you gotta leave and make them beg for you back. You’ve really got to establish from the get go that you’re different from other guys and you’re NOT going to be a push over. You can’t be afraid to raise your voice and them and call them out on their crazy behavior.

  18. James says

    Rick, I agree that Co-dependency is a major issue when dealing with a borderline. Maybe that is why they are attracted to Narsisist. Even the Narsisist become prey to these borderlines.
    Ok s o here is an example of living with a borderline from my own experience. Being a small businessman I have constant struggles with stress on a daily basis. One day I came home, after suffering multiple setbacks at work. I’m completely stressed out, I sat on the couch and asked the ex Bpd to get me a pill. She takes that as weakness? Living in a beautiful house, She suddenly looks at me to say that she doesn’t like driving in the yard because when it rains there is a puddle that her car has to cross. Then she asked me if there is any way that I can. Move the driveway to the back of the house because of the puddle? OR the time that she said that the shower was to small and if there was any way that I could remove the hot tube to put the shower in a different place? OR the hundreds of times that I cooked excellent meals for her , one morning she put two pieces of toast in the toaster, pulls one out butters it and goes and sits down. When I asked her if she could butter my toast she looked at me and said that I was a mommies boy. When. I was a young boy, I’ll always remember my. Mother once asking my father to get her a mirror for her room. He came home and hung a mirror the next day. Is that being Co- Dependant?
    These people are mentally ill and if you think for one minute you will tame their sickness you are wrong. Without therapy they don’t get better.
    O one last thing. She got in a car accident and I sent her to my forty year so called Narsisist friend to have her car fixed. he was a race car driver and
    He did repairs for her behind my back for free.
    I’m sure you already know what ended my relationship with this phyco and almost put me in jail. 6es they ended up having an affair. So you say that your book is going to stop all of this craziness ? maybe there is a simple solution in your book to hundreds of situations that pop up in our daily lives. I doubt that these people will ever get better. You may contain them for a while, a month, a year, or even ten years but as soon as. You drop your guard for a second it sends their brains into Phycosis and before you know it they are sleeping with the first dick that pops up to punish you.

    • Rick says

      Well your problem is you’re trying to contain them, lol. They’re people, not zoo animals. Why do you think one of my biggest beliefs is to focus on yourself and not your partner? If you weren’t so caught up with your girl’s petty shit, you’d probably be spending more time on yourself.

      Yes it’s true that women like narcissists. Guess what a narcissist is? Someone who focuses on themselves! Lol. So while you may be angry here, look who won your girl in the end – the narcissist. Would I rather be a narcissist than a co-dependent? Damn right I would be.

      The best you can do is learn from this situation. Now don’t go and polarize to being a narcissist but learn where you messed up and where the narcissist did good. BPD’s do NOT like co-dependents (no woman likes a co-dependent actually) so work on being more narcissistic but not in a bad way.

  19. ThankYouRick says

    I am a mature, college educated male who was led to your site after the abrupt ending of a 10-month relationship* suspect of BPD. Although I am still the intelligent, confident, romantic, creative, talented and adoring rock she was initially attracted to, I’m missing a piece of the puzzle. Guilty as charged. I get it, now.

    Had she not removed my guts and handed them back to me with a smile, I would have taken on 3 additional kids and an incredible (excessive) amount of emotional baggage. And, I would not be contributing today.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    *one of many over the last 15 years, including a 10-year marriage. I am a magnet.

  20. Subtle says

    I’m sold…….been feeling this actually for a while now and have been pulling away but not in a mean spirit just because on some level I have to not care because his shit isn’t my shit anymore. In a way I’m coming to terms with that comprehension and he will be with me or not……I love him but I’m not losing myself in his bullshit……………however I’m coming to terms with doing my own thing in life because that is just how it has to be whether he likes it or not……….and just shutting him down when he starts freaking out because it’s irrelevant to the truth. Still I’m going to buy your book because I know I’m just at the beginning of this realization and still vulnerable to being pulled in like I have been. I admit I am co-dependent. Every time he criticizes me or accuses me when he is going off I get sucked in even though I haven’t done what he thinks I have. He says I’m a tease because I’m friendlier than shit……..well I am……bubbly and all but there is a difference between that which he hates when he sees me interact with other men and actually betraying him. I’m as loyal as it gets I”m just an extrovert who is really good with people men and women. He doesn’t see that however and it freaks him out. By the time people are done talking to me they want to give me a hug good-bye………he however thinks I’m a tease. This is the root of all our problems…………for him to be happy I have to be covered up and flat affected. In my co-dependency I kept being punished by him and was made to feel like I was doing something wrong just because I hugged his friend good bye. blah blah blah…….don’t think there is anything wrong with that but my guy studied the art of touching for players and he believes it was a come on and for a BPD I guess that is as bad as being caught screwing. So I let him punish me forever about it, raging the works and shaming, shaming and shaming me…………..so now I’ve come to this realization about me which for an independent woman is strange but I see it clear as day. I was co-dependent and I’m sick of it.

  21. Sam says

    My “toxicontin” (don’t know about the BPD) and I have known each other for 10 years. The on and off was due to my co-dependency. She – narcissistic, seductive, “helpful” (controlling), self righteous, bounced around to guys, palpable anger, “proud being difficult”, etc. However, when I have exhibited strength of self…she seems more attracted. Over time I have learned to be more “self” than more worry. It’s ends up being a win-win. We are apart now (she-to a new source) because I would not give her a LTR and made her “work” for me–got tired and impatient-typical. But I learned what I am willing to handle and if not, at the end of the day — I AM GOOD.

    • Rick says

      Yea at the end of the day you really got to think about what you want. Most people honestly are willing to put up with the abuse and inconsistency because they’re so damn desperate. They complain about it and they get hurt but it’s their fault for not leaving when things started getting crazy. We’ve all been there so I’m not judging anyone. It’s just that if you want a higher quality, consistent partner then you’ve got to really work on getting yourself to those levels before you think about dating.

  22. Erica says

    This blog has made me aware of my co-dependency issue that I must break away from in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I love what ANON said in her comments. It describes my BPD man to the T and a great list of qualities as to why we want to be with a man with BPD. Every site I read before finding this one told me to get out, leave him and there’s no hope. Then, I found this one and gave me hope that not only can I live with my BPD boyfriend but I need to love myself and not let the way others feel about me effect my mood and how I feel about myself. (including my boyfriend) I will love him regardless and if he doesn’t like me for 16 hours then I have to deal with that because I know this is how he can be and how can I resent him when he warned me before he moved in with me. it will always be a roller-coaster but hopefully with me learning to love myself I can better cope with his feelings of paranoia and anger and not let it depress me. he’s never cheated on me (if he did, it’d be over, like it would be for any man in a relationship with me) he has a great job, amazing determination and he could protect me from anything. Im just tired of reading website after website saying if you’re with a BPD male then you’re fkd. Maybe one day I can help other women dealing with co-dependency and their BPD partners. there will be hard times and times when he doesn’t feel anything for me for 3 days straight but I won’t let it bother me or think any less of myself because of it. i made the decision to be with him and I love him. if it takes a turn for the worst and I need to get out then I hope I can gain the strength and learn to love myself enough to leave and be okay with being alone because it’s not the end of the world.

  23. Shelly says

    What a wealth of info. Am so new to this Bpd friendship relationship.
    I have been training and hanging out a lot with this magnetic, full of energy, athletic good looking guy for the past 2 years…and am suspecting he has bpd. His line always been “I don’t want to hurt you” and he does not want ever to get involved in a relationship. He always says he wants to go wherever and with whoever not reporting to anyone.
    Well through the years I ‘ve become emotionally attached to him and like him a lot. My saving grace..is I have no problem spending time by myself. I am quite independent. But I can see myself getting caught into his whirlwind of emotions if you let myself. That push and pull syndrome sucks my joie de vivre, destabilizes me and occupies my head space too much. So, i let him deal with his stuff and don’t engage in any of his bs. I let him talk and spill his guts. Until the next time.
    Sometimes I wish I had more with this man… But reading all your comments I think am good where I am, being friends. Tough when you wish more but …at least he is looking out for me! I learned a lot from your comments. I will certainly put myself first.

  24. steven says

    I’ve been married 9 years but wwithy control, mood, abandonment issues I weighted my wife to the end of relationship. She no longer is interested in me romantically only friendly at this point. I’m having a hard time controlling my need to please to win her back no matter how much I hurt inside

  25. Suzy says

    I have been following your articles and I’m grateful for your insight. I have been married to a BPD man for the last 8 years and I have with time and a lot of research thanks to articles like the one above realized that though he is BPD, I am also extremely co-dependent. I got separated from him 5 months ago when I couldn’t take it any more, and am taking the time apart to understand myself better. I have looked at some of the comments made above and I think it takes a complete paradigm shift to be able to look at ourselves as contributing to the problems in the BPD relationship almost 100%. After my separation I went back home and live with my parents. My mum and I have never gotten along. Actually I have had a more difficult time getting along with my mum than my husband. When I look closely at that relationship, my mum is more BPD (if there is any such thing) than my husband. My life previously totally revolved round making sure that my mum viewed me as a good person and I would do anything to achieve this. My 6 month stay with her has however been very different. I stand up to her almost to a point of being aggressive and what I would previously have thought of as selfish. Initially she resisted, screamed and shouted a lot. I did not relent and continued standing up to her every time I felt her actions or comments were out of line. Now we get along like a house on fire, there is mutual respect and she never puts me down. I am slowly learning the painful lesson that I do not have to please anybody, or have to be accepted by anybody including my parents. If I believe I am a basically good and honest person then I don’t have to live my life trying to prove it, and I do not have to be perfect either. I have also realized that the more I stand my ground with people , the more I get accepted and respected. Co dependence runs very deep. I have realized that it is not only with my husband that I sought approval, it was also at work, with my friends and with family. I needed them to validate me because self validation was very hard for me. BPD’s in our lives learn this about us from a very early stage in the relationship and abuse it. But if we are keen enough, we discover that many other people that are close to us also abuse our strong desire to be accepted and validated. We need to work on ourselves in ALL our relationships, not just the one with the BPD. The BPD relationship may hurt more because its level of intimacy allows for this, but if you are co-dependent it affects all your relationships. Truth is we teach people how to treat us, so if we scream don’t respect me,……. treat me like dirt……..,your doing me a favour by being with me…..They do just that.

    • Rick says

      Suzy thanks for the awesome comment. This is all so true what you have said. We really do mirror who our mothers are. They raised us for many years so it only makes sense that we behave like them later in life. It isn’t until you realize and accept how messed up your mother is that you yourself can begin to change.

      My mom is the same way. Codependent, passive-aggressive, etc. It’s just real bad to be honest and it’s no wonder my parents marriage just seems kinda ‘meh’ to me. It’s why I really believe that 90% of relationships have failed even if they don’t divorce. A lot of couples stay together because life would be even worse if they separated. You already have 3 kids so might as well stay together and just enjoy the kids. I’m not saying they fight and hate each other, but it’s just a stagnant relationship. There’s no growth or fire or whatever that makes relationships kick ass.

      It’s great that you’re improving yourself so continue to do that!

  26. Elise says

    I have been with my partner for 11years now. He is the first long term relationship I have been in as he wooed me in. I have been very codependent in this relationship, so much so that I felt lost for a number of years, feeling like I didn’t know who I was anymore. We have two young kids. My feelings of codependency are less now as I am more aware to take care of myself but more so because I don’t really love him anymore so I don’t care about losing him.

    I’m pretty sure he has some form of a personality disorder. His mood swings are all over the place sometimes and he can be downright rude and inappropriate sometimes. I feel his mood swings are putting the kids on edge. How can I make sure they are protected and don’t blame themselves when daddy is in a pissy mood and doesn’t shelve his issues when he comes home? He’s so unpredictable it makes me anxious all the time I’m afraid what it’s doing to our boys.

    I have thought about leaving daily. We do have good times still but there is always that dr jekyl and me hide around the corner, never know who I’m going to get. If I ask him what’s wrong he nastily says to me ‘what’s wrong with you!?’ And blames me for being codependent

    • Rick says

      Well these people are very good at being unpredictable. That’s what makes them so exciting. It’s a known fact that unpredictability and mystery are the most attractive traits of a person. It’s just how it is. The problem here is that you’re probably just very predictable. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. But if you’re going to live a very predictable life, you’re going to be better off with a partner that is also living predictably and not all over the place like your husband. He needs a woman that’s going to play his own game better than him. Then he’ll become a soft, little puppy dog doing everything to please her ;)

  27. Denise G says

    I’m not sure if just putting up with them in some Zen state is healthy solution either. It’s like just ignoring how they treat you , and they will lose respect for you and even get worse in long run. I don’t know what one could do. If your struggling too hard and getting hurt too much by a bipolar person, your not the one for them maybe.

    • Rick says

      OR maybe you just don’t have thick skin. You need to be thick skinned to date people with BPD or else you’re going to lose control.

  28. cindy says

    I don’t know if I agree with the advice, that if you have your stuff together, then having a BPD person as your life partner shouldn’t cause much problems for you…

    I have a BPD boyfriend that will put me through the wringer the moment he feels insecure about something. I’m a combat active army veteran, and I know all about not letting it get to you when someone is purposefully trying to fluster you. I know how to not take things personally, detach, ask for space in appropriate ways and create better relationships through positive reenforcement. I know about setting boundaries, enforcing consequences of violations to those boundaries and leading by example. That being said-

    The only training I think that could help me deal with him when he’s having one of his emotional outbursts (that can last anywhere from 3-12 hours in length of consistent harassment and pressure) is sears training; basically a mock-up school of how to survive being a prisoner of war.

    It is draining to be harassed so much, even if you typically don’t let people get under your skin. The other issue is, after all the energy I put into detaching, setting boundaries, and standing my ground, it all just amounts to one small battle in a very long war it seems. As soon as he tells me (a day later, after having a melt-down) that I was right for responding the way I did and he’s going to work on this issue- I know it’s only a matter of hours before the next battle flairs up over some small perceived slight.

    At this point I’m ready to end the relationship, because he’s violated so many boundaries that I can not feel comfortable thinking about more of a future with him. I’m wasting my time dating him, when I know it won’t amount to a stable family life (which is what I desire).

    Unless you’re already married to this person or tied in some other way that you can’t be rid of the relationship, I wonder why waste your time trying. I’ve had a 7 year marriage to a NPD man and THAT is where I think this advice could be applied. At least they can be rationalized with and counted on to follow basic social norms, so long as they are made to see how much it would benefit them as well. There’s predictability. That doesn’t seem to be the case with BPD.

    I liken it to this quote, that I don’t remember where I read it from… “No one can create your happiness for you, but the wrong person sure can make you unhappy”.

    Meaning, no one is going to come and hand me everything I want and need in life, but people are more than capable of sabotaging it if they try hard enough, despite my best defenses. (mugging, rapes, murders, etc… ). My relationship with a NPD taught me the part about not depending on others to create my happiness, and my BPD boyfriend is driving the message home about others being able to drain and sabotage you in your life.

    • Rick says

      Ok well the way you’re thinking now is how you should have been treating him much earlier. Yes, I think threatening to leave the relationship, or actually leaving him for a bit, is the best message to send. He needs to understand that him as the unstable one CANNOT be in control of things. You must have the control over the relationship. Would you give an emotionally unstable person access to our nuclear weapon arsenal? Hell nah. So in a relationship, why hand the power and control over to the unstable one? It just makes no sense yet SO MANY people do this. And it destroys relationships.

      One of the best moves you can do to take back this power and control is to leave the relationship. Let him feel like you’re leaving and he’s losing you. Then you can rebuild things when you’re in this position of power and he’s begging to have you back.

  29. hailey rinker says

    Hi my name is hailey I need your help im co dependent have not been diagnosed yet but I def have it I just got out of a one year one month relationship with my ex he has borderline not by diagnostics but I figured it out cuz of my problem I read to far into things and thats what has lead me here today I really love him w all my heart we have been thru alot I cant keep him off my mind n my heart is hurting alot he told me he wants me to get my shit together and hes not attracted to me emotiinally only physically n thats y we keep having sex hes on his 4 gf now since our split and it hurts alot I want to be loved by him again I need ur help to be better please help I truely believe we r meant to be n I just want to get him back n be better thank u hon

    • Rick says

      Well he doesn’t love you. He’s just using you for sex. There isn’t any love in any of this. It’s not love you feel, it’s just your emotions and hormones that are out of control. You need to get control over this and understand that this isn’t love. Love develops over a long-period of time, it’s not something that develops from having sex. So knowing this, you know this man doesn’t love you. He’s just using you. So why not cut out the sex and make him work for you? Again, sex DOES NOT build love.

  30. Jennifer says

    Hi there! So I’m going to just put it 100% out there. I have BPD. I was diagnosed from a Dr I have seen since I waa 17, (I’m now 30.). I have been in therapy for years and doing work on myself and at one point I was the healthiest I’dever been. It was wonderful. Not the idelazation phase happy/healthy. Just happy/healthy with a lot of hard work and effort put in during therapy 2 hours a week sometimes more. I have to say I love your webpage it is for sure spot on with both BPD, and codependency.

    Here’s my question/issue:
    I’m have BPD and my fiancé is very codependant. I’m sure just reading that it gave you chills. It doesw typing it. He’s finally in therapy. I’ve sat here and watched myself regress backwards from him codependency. Because it as BPD can be challenging and I often wonder if maybe he has BPD. What’s the best thing I can do to tune down this roller coaster ride. I love him and want it to work. I want to stop this cycle. Even though I have Bpd it doesn’t have me. I honestly feel like I can deal with his codependency for so long before I explode trying to manage my feelings. I could write for hours but I don’t know what other info you would need to hear.

    Advice would be great. Thanks.

    • Rick says

      Well the truth is that codependency is just unattractive in general, lol. I mean I don’t have BPD yet I would run away from a codependent girl as well. I need my space woman! Lol. But yeah why not show him my site ;) The key to getting over codependency is simply learning how awesome it is to be independent. And as you say, it requires a lot of hard work and effort to improve yourself. This is just life. No one got anywhere on easy mode. The reason why so many people have so many issues is because most people aren’t willing to put in the work :)

  31. John says

    15 years with a BPD, I’m definitely a codependent. I’ve never had problems with addiction but I believe that it’s probably like trying to break up with my partner.I believe it’s toxic relationship. I have wanted to be married for years – I broke up with her last year and only now does she want to talk about marriage when I pull away. I do truly love her but I am not stupid and know that it would be dangerous for us to be married. I’m not even sure how to do it.I have invested so much time and trying to make it work I don’t have anything left.

    • Rick says

      I think you need to change your outlook, don’t let marriage define your relationship. Not many details here though so this is all I can say.

  32. denise says

    Great reponse shows your maturity, well id ask you out if met you somewhere lol, just because your intelligent on matters and work self improvements. Your smart to help others and yourself, character right there. A man of substance.
    We all got to work on ourself so we do have something healthy to attract and get out of crazy cycles

    • Rick says

      Maybe someday I’ll be doing live events and speaking at places. For now, I keep it real here. I’m something I never thought I would become, and there’s still tons more work I want to get done. So this blog isn’t just a place for me to educate others – it’s also a way for me to keep myself on track and on progress. To keep my mindsets right. It’s why I recommend everybody to have some sort of a blog they can write in often and keep their thoughts aligned with their goals. I have MULTIPLE blogs, not just this one. They all serve a purpose to keep my head in the game and focused on good habits.

  33. Hayes Kent says

    Dear Rick

    I have since been in a relationship for 10 yrs now only realising that my partner had BPD. When I met him I had just come out of an 18yr marriage and although in a bad place with that I was strong and determined and he would say challenging. I would stand my ground with him yet he was warm, kind loving and wanted a relationship even us living together so quickly. I told him 3yrs to get on my feet on my own first. He would buy endless presents and book holidays and trips away and tried to take me over but I slowly fell in love with him more.

    If I went out with friends or if training with work took me away he hated it and the rows would start, he would demand to stay in my room as didn’t want other men to come on to me or for me to be tempted. I tried to reassure him but he would freak out.

    We broke up 7 months ago yet again this time it’s been the longest ever (7 months) so I can’t see us getting back together. I don’t feel co-dependant as only have my marriage and this guy to judge it on and just felt over time I fell deeper in love with him and when my kids finally left home I wanted us to live together. Basically I never told him about my training course until on the day of it as if he had known when we was on holiday the holiday would have been ruined with his arguments and silent treatment, when he found out though he called time on us saying he was fed up of my lies.. Only had to lie at times as he would go crazy.

    7 months on and still been getting calls/texts and Whatsapp messages wanting to know where I am, I never once in this time when he broke up with me tried to call or text him just replied to him, over the months the calls and texts are now abusive and full of language. I have since blocked all contact but he now tries my work email/work phone and some other way to contact me but not physically seen him for 7 months. I love him but in replies tried to show him strength and not how I am crumbling inside.

    In last 5 years he has had 4 jobs as had a lot of bad luck and worries in this time how he will pay mortgage and pay back the PG he put in place few years ago for 25k which the bank have now come after him for. I just thought he was pulling away because of money worries so gave him space but didn’t deserve the abuse in many ways through this I have tried to help him.

    Meanwhile after 10yrs I have a big void to fill as when we were together sharing days they were good but his possessive and insecurity all the time drove me mad. I have a good job, new house to move to and confident in myself just miss him so much…

    • Rick says

      Well, this man is obviously abusive. And the fact that you’re drawn to him still is a problem. You need a mindset shift of all things here. You need take back the power and realize that the way he’s treating isn’t okay! It’s abusive and wrong. It all starts with self-respect, something you need to develop. This can only come from within. You don’t have a lot of experience with men it sounds like, so you’re attracting the ones that can easily manipulate and treat you like crap. As long as you’re giving him power over you, he’s going to treat you this way and you’re going to be hurt and torn up inside. He’s basically convinced you on a subconscious level that you aren’t worthy. That you aren’t special.

      Obviously, that is bs and pure psychological abuse. So you need to work on yourself, your mindsets! That’s why all of my programs are about adopting awesome mindsets and beliefs, to discover that inner strength. It’s what makes you a great partner :)

  34. Justin says

    Your advice is so spot on I catch myself laughing at how blind I have been. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 8 months ago and started dating a woman 3 years older than me about 5 months ago (I’m 24). I recognize my codependency because I feel really depressed and sad when she does things that make me feel like she doesn’t give a shit. It’s so obvious that she has BPD to me based on our conversations we’ve had about her past coupled with her irrational behaviors and perspectives. she’s also said things througout our relationship that really bothered me such as “you’re too good for me… you deserve someone better…. trust me you dont want to be with me, im fucked up..” she also says things like “maybe we aren’t meant to be,” or “we’re too different” when a situation isn’t ideal. these statements really annoy me especially because ahe always tells me how special i am, im one of a kind, how much she cares about me, etc.. we have also had multiple fights and disagreements on things, especially on the way she handles situations and how she treats me in certain situations. Also, i notice shes very jealous, and very hypocritical which drives me insane. I can deal with jealousy, but not hypocrisy. Im a very empathetic person, but i expect the same in return, which i dont get (probably a mistake). And another thing I realize is that whenever my emotions get the best of me things get worse. And naturally I try to fix things and end up pressing, which also makes things worse. she tends to act distant, and feels “indifferent towards me.” I do want to be with her, but I can’t be in bad moods or feeling depressed based on how she’s treating me. Especially because I’m starting law school soon and I don’t want that to be weighing on my mind when I need to be focused on studying. I just need to manage my emotions better, but it’s not that easy. Any advice would be appreciated. You’ve already helped me so much the past few days. I’ve been distancing myself from her and I feel it’s really starting to work.

    • Rick says

      Yeah you don’t want to fall into the ego trap. She boosts your ego by saying how special you are, then she tears herself down and you come in for the rescue. It’s called the ego trap. My suggestion is that next time she does either one of these, you say something like ‘Girl, would you please shut the hell up with that shit. We’re both humans, we’re both born into an imperfect world. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect. I’m no better than you, you’re no better than me, we’re no better than anybody else. The past doesn’t fucking matter. All that matters is what’s happening right now, that’s it. If you can’t come to understand this, then our relationship isn’t going to work out. I need you to be on the same page as me and for you to leave the past behind. Can you do that?’

      That’s called my serious, logical response and I only use that when I am getting really annoyed at the ego shit. I don’t use that often, I usually remain illogical. But I think you need to throw that at her next time so you can show her where you stand.

      The illogical response would be something like ‘That’s right girl, I’m the king and you’re my queen. Now make me some pancakes.’ or something just as retarded. It’s good to be retarded with women when they’re being illogical because they left logic land. Check out my 4 free ebooks I talk about this in there.

  35. deadlock says

    Interesting article, although I believe that if someone wants a car that the others seem to have rather effortlessly, it doesn’t help much to say “I’m OK without a car” because at the end of the day you’re still left without a car. Similarly with romantic relationships, one can reach a point where having one isn’t necessary but it still doesn’t help you if what you want is a relationship.

    • Rick says

      Depends what you’re definition of relationship is. If you’re living in the past and want an ‘i love you, let me take care of you’ relationship, then you’ll fail and you’re better off with no car lol

  36. chasey says

    I can see what your saying but the craziness and abuse you receive can be managed as you try and understand your BPD partner. However relationships involve family friends etc.
    The extreme abuse directed at me can be ignored and managed by your advice but the abuse of family, children and others hasn’t been mentioned yet has a major part to play in your life.

    In my case my children have been called b@stards, and verbally abused many times causing severe strains for me in my life. You discuss the reasons with them but they have no real attachment to the BPD partner or interest and as I stand by her as a result of loving her and having a 5 year old son, they then decide not to see me so being happy with yourself and less codependent becomes so much harder.

    As others have said I think you have been attracted to mild BPDs yet in my case and many others there are far worse cases which makes life even tougher..

  37. Bill says

    Principles are authentic, presentation could use a little more grace (‘humility’), but your excitement with revelations are accurate and – infectious!
    Good Job, and keep up the good work-it all takes T.I.M.E. (“things I must earn”).

  38. Steve says

    I have been married to my wife for 15 years and although she has not been ever diagnosed with BPD she shows a lot of the symptoms of impulsive BPD and also many of the HPD symptoms, she is now booked in of a course of CBT which I hope will help her handle her emotions a bit better. I like you Rick was brought up in a christian background and after reading this article I thought I would respond – I think I do have some co-dependancy issues but thankfully I do value myself and believe deep down that I am a catch but I also think that marriage is important and so I am trying to help her as well as me with these issues.

    For the 1st 13 years of our relationship I thought she was just and angry person – I sorted that out but it still bubbled over regularly, it was only as our teenage daughter is entering puberty and I found myself having to stickup for her that things really got out of control and most of the fights I had with my wife were a result of defending our daughter.

    Most of what you write is absolutely spot on – thanks very much for sharing.

    • Rick says

      Thanks man, yeah it’s tough because codependency, while it looks great on the surface and you mean well, is actually very unattractive in relationships and unhealthy in general. But it’s just hard to see that because our backgrounds and our christian parents telling us what’s right and what isn’t… Thanks for writing in.

  39. Patti says

    Just recently realized that I am codependent with/on my children. I am devastated to realize this. My daughter goes into rehab for cocaine addiction in a couple days and moved in with her dad until she goes, so that she has some space. This has made me feel a great loss and I am depressed. I now see that I need to help me in order to support her properly. I pray that the depression doesn’t take my life. Please if anyone has negative comments don’t post them right now, I am trying to find a path to healing.

    • Rick says

      Hi, can you post more specifically about how you were being codependent? Then I can give you some specific advice on that and help you out. The fact that you’re depressed is a major problem for the children however so yes we definitely need to get this fixed asap!

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