I used to be like you, wondering if it were ever possible to actually have a successful BPD relationship. Less drama, less hot/cold behavior, less trust issues. The usual. You’re probably wondering the same thing.
Maybe you’re dating someone with unusual behavior and it led you to learning about BPD, which eventually led you here to my website. You hear over and over again from people on the internet to avoid Borderlines, that they’re incapable of being in a long-term, healthy relationship.
Well, after many of my own personal experiences as well as coaching both men and women over the years, it is absolutely possible to make these relationships fun and enjoyable for the long-term.
They’re just a bit different from what you’re used to. Truly successful, long-term relationships are only possible when you actually know how relationships work. Almost everybody gets this wrong.
Today, I’m going to teach you the basics of what I believe makes a successful BPD relationship work.
Step #1: Learn About Yourself First
This is the first step to any sort of success in life and it’s something that you will never stop doing. As long as you’re alive, you need to make it a goal to be constantly educating yourself and learning who you are as an individual, your purpose, your passions, etc.
The more you know yourself, the more humble you’ll become thus allowing you to lose your ego, accept responsibility, and begin to move forward as a complete person capable of successful BPD relationships.
For example, you may be some sort of a Codependent if you tend to attract BPD individuals. BPD and codependency are on the same spectrum. Naturally, you’re drawn to these types of individuals. And that’s okay.
However, every single person is attracted to the type of individuals that I described above. We are all drawn to those that simply have their life together in the most attractive ways.
Why is this so important?
- You can’t expect to have a truly open and honest relationship when you’re not truly honest with yourself.
- You can’t expect your partner to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself.
- You can’t expect your relationship to be fun and happy when you’re simply going with the flow since things seem to be working out at the moment.
- You can’t expect to get what you want out of your relationship when your partner keeps calling the shots.
I could go on and on about this, but these are just the main points that popped into my head that most people suffer with. And believe me it’s not just a BPD thing – these problems exist in all kinds of relationships.
BPD relationships always start out fast and furious, full of good emotions. It’s easy to fall into when it’s what you’ve been wanting from a partner for so long.
However, you need to develop respect in relationships so that these types of emotional high’s and honeymoon periods never occur in the first place.
Trust me – I know the feeling!
The honeymoon period feels like the best, most enjoyable experience you’ve ever had with a man or a woman. I completely understand that you miss the ‘old times’ where you and your lover were having a great time with each other.
But you need to get a hold of yourself and work on keeping things realistic. Perfection is a myth.
Step #2: Learn About Your BPD Partner
My first, second, and third relationship with BPD women left me beat up, broken and down in the dirt with no closure. One moment they’re with you and the next they’re gone. It’s really quite painful to experience this over and over again.
While it’s easy to get caught in a state of depression, it’s extremely important that you accept responsibility for this and take this time to educate yourself as much as possible.
I know that you’re lost and confused, but you simply need to believe that everything happens for a reason. Use this time to learn as much as possible.
I created the BPD Relationship Success program specifically for quick learning. Or just read all of my articles.
It’s also important that you focus on learning about your partner as an individual. Don’t see him or her as someone with BPD while you do this.
There’s a reason your partner is the way they are. Everything from their parents to their experiences in school to previous relationships. All of these things factor in the way they are now, just as all of your experiences have made you who you are.
I’ve dated multiple women that have the behavior of BPD’s. But do I just go and label her as a Borderline? No way. I just look at the type of behavior I’m getting and I respond non-emotionally with the skills that I’ve developed over the years.
It’s actually quite easy for me because I have so much experience, which I pass on to you. I simply observe the behavior I’m receiving: irrationality, impulsive lying, sexual advances, raging, extreme highs and lows and plenty more.
I know exactly how to respond to all of these and it’s what I teach. BPD’s, like any human, want to be loved and cherished. It’s just hard for them. They get attached and then cold extremely quick.
They fear love and their extreme emotional instability creates the roller coaster ride from hell if you’re not prepared.
Step #3: Emotional Control
Hopefully by now, you understand that the mainstream BPD advice out there is pretty abysmal. But this is true with most mainstream advice on anything. Weight loss, weight lifting, dating, making money, etc. Most of the advice you find on anything these days is crap.
For me, I really like to focus on controlling your emotions. It’s the first thing I always teach clients about because core beliefs and attitude where everything else comes from.
If you find yourself overly attached, in love and unable to let go, read that article as it will help you get yourself under control which is very important for any success in the world.
When you have weak emotional control, you tend to lose your groundness and things spiral out of control. You become easy shaken up. This is a killer in relationships and breeds toxicity.
You become fearful of saying things, you’re always going with the flow because you don’t want to tip the boat, you’re constantly walking on egg shells ass you fear losing your partner. But true freedom comes from not fearing these things.
And the counter-intuitive result is that you actually become much more attractive when you no longer fear losing your lover. This is a really big concept I want you to understand.
It all starts with emotional control so please refer to that article I linked to above. It will help you get on the right track if your thoughts are out of control.
Step #4: Don’t Go With The Flow
A lot of men have this problem once relationships get underway. While some women will point this out to you, BPD women on the other hand would rather grow cold and curl away because they’re insecure. Or they’ll nag you and get mad at you for very basic things.
The attraction dies out and they would rather just cut contact with you than to tell you what’s going on. Or a fresh, new person came along and rather confront you like a confident, secure individual would, they think it’s easier for them to cut contact and ignore.
So what makes a man or a woman lose interest in you?
- Easily predictable
- You go with the flow
- You’re boring
- You’re logical
- You never call the shots
- Your life revolves around pleasing your partner
- You’re no longer a mystery
All of these ingredients add up into one thing: unattractiveness. When you’ve simply lost your attractiveness to your partner, say good bye to the relationship.
You want a BPD relationship to last for the long haul? Then do everything in your power to NOT become any of those above
If you’re a man, you need to understand that you’re going to be tested hard for weakness. Your woman wants to see if you’ve become soft, predictable and boring. Most men fail these tests because they’re trying to prove their love in a logical way. You say what you think your woman wants to hear and it backfires because you failed the test.
Well, with BPD women they will test you much more than your normal woman will. This is because BPD’s have been hurt a lot in the past. They naturally test much more and much harder than other women because they have more fear.
The testing will never stop. Even into marriage you will be getting test after test. It’s important that you understand this as it’s your responsibility to never lose focus on yourself and who you are. Don’t start changing yourself because of some crazy words you hear.
As a man, it’s important to be a leader. Don’t let your girlfriend or wife start calling the shots all the time. It’s a test to see if you’ve got your manhood intact. They want you to boss them around.
If you’re a woman dating a BPD male, then work on being independent. Don’t let yourself be dragged around by this man. He’s simply not ready for commitment and it’s not your responsibility to get him there. He’s the man. Support him but don’t let his actions control you.
So what have you learned today? Hopefully it’s that you can have healthy, long-term relationships with a BPD. When you have the knowledge and the skills needed to succeed, these relationships are just as fun and easy as any other relationship.
I recommend that you become a member of the Reignite The Fire Community where I’ll personally assist you with anything that you ask of me.
All the confusion and painful feelings you have is because you don’t know what to do. When you know what to do, it’s easy to identify the problem and come up with a solution. It’s why I haven’t experienced any heartache in years.
Sometimes I get pissed off at women, but it’s never this painful, depressive feeling that eats at your soul. How can you expect to have a successful relationship when you’re just going with the flow, fearing the worst because you don’t know what to do?
You’ll eventually learn everything through your own experience, but that could take years. Or you’ll never learn which is the case with a lot of people.
What experiences do you have with dating a BPD inthe long-term? Please share your stories below