(Updated June 5 – Minor updates and fixes.)
A common question I receive via email on a daily basis is how to make your BPD relationship great again, and if a long-term BPD relationship can really exist.
If you’re reading this article then I am going to assume that you’re dating a BPD and are experiencing one of many roller coaster rides that you’ll be on as long as things stay the same.
It’s also very likely that you suffer from some sort of Codependent issues as BPD’s tend to attract these types of individuals.
The unfortunate part about these relationships with Borderline individuals is that they start out to be so amazing. You feel like you’ve finally met the one person that understands you and will make you happy forever!
Trust me – I know the feeling! The honeymoon period is usually the most fun you’ll ever have with a woman.
Eventually, the person with BPD behavior slowly begins to show this other side that is completely new to you. They may even try to make it seem like you’re the crazy one in the process.
My first, second, and third relationship with BPD women left me beat up, broken and down in the dirt with no closure. One moment they’re with you and the next they’re with a new fling. It’s really quite painful to experience and takes time to get over – hence why we seek out help!
While it’s easy to get caught in a state of depression, it’s extremely important that you simply trust the fact that you’re better off. I know that you’re lost and confused, but you simply need to believe that everything happens for a reason. Trust your gut and pick yourself up.
Learn all you can about BPD as I have over the years. I’ve learned that it’s a wide label thrown around all over the place for individuals that suffer from extreme emotional instability.
That is really all BPD is. It’s an emotional disorder that can be cured once the affected person admits they have a problem with controlling their emotions. However, admitting that you have a problem is more than half the battle. Most people are so stubborn that they’ll never drop the ego.
I’m in the process of writing my new book and most of the focus is about emotional control and how learning to control your own emotions will help your partner behave much more satisfactory.
This is a huge concept I learned just this past year and everybody that I’ve taught it to has seen amazing improvements in their relationships. A lot of it comes down to respecting yourself and not being a pushover, but you only have control over your own behavior. What your partner decides to do is clearly up to them.
But, your behavior definitely influences the way people behave and respond around you and this is true for every type of social situation in life.
I’ve dated multiple women that I believe to have BPD behavior. I don’t like to label people as BPD anymore. I simply say that the behavior they display towards me is that of a Borderline – irrationality, impulsive lying, sexual advances, raging, extreme highs and lows and plenty more.
If you have absolutely no knowledge about BPD, then it’s extremely easy to throw around the label to anybody that seems to be crazy in your point of view. I see guys throw the label at their ex girlfriends all the time simply because she decided that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. She doesn’t have BPD - she just doesn’t want you anymore. Get over it.
If you spend the time learning about BPD, you’ll realize that these people are people just like you and me. They also want to be loved and cherished but it’s just different for them. They fear love and their extreme emotional instability creates the roller coaster ride from hell if you’re not prepared.
How I Am Able To Make A BPD Relationship Work
The first thing I want to point out is that the mainstream BPD advice is crap. I first started reading from these websites (which I refuse to link to) and they did absolutely nothing to help me long term. Remember, BPD is being thrown around all the time.
When I read the articles out there from psychologists and ‘professionals’, the same thing was being talked about all the time – how to practically be a doormat. And I don’t know about you, but in a relationship of any kind, it’s unattractive and simply not going to work. Both you and your partner will lose all respect for yourself. It’s a lose-lose situation and extremely needy.
And while a girl with BPD may behave differently and have extreme emotions, they still are attracted to men the same way other women are.
So if you think that bending over backwards to hopefully keep your girl from ‘getting crazy’, then you’re looking at the relationship completely wrong and it’s only going to make things worse in the long-run.
Don’t Become A Soft, Fuzzy Bunny. Be A Man.
A common statement I hear from women about their partners is that they ‘grow soft.’ Men just do this in general. It’s even worse when your girl displays BPD behavior consistently.
Becoming soft is hard to notice as it happens over time. People with a high level of insecurity are very good at manipulation as it’s the only way they see that they can get you to stick around. Women naturally rarely say what they mean, but in the case about ‘becoming soft’, it’s dead on.
If you’re married to a BPD woman, then I’m sure you’ve been through a lot and have tried changing yourself over and over and over again to no avail and this is why – changing yourself for your woman 99% of the time means you’re becoming more and more ‘soft’.
Women in general test men. It’s simply what they do and even if they love you, they are going to do it until the day they die. It’s natural as they want to know that you’re not becoming soft.
Even in marriage your wife, as long as she likes you, is going to be testing you. This is a survival mechanism built into women so that they can reassure themselves that you are the man!
Now when it comes to BPD behaviors, they take testing and multiply it by 100. You can also throw in cruelty, assholeness, crazy bitchiness and more into that.
People that display a lot of BPD behavior most likely had a very tumultuous and troubled upbringing. It’s very unfortunate, it’s completely not their fault, and it’s basically got them to the point where they trust no one.
Establishing a healthy level of trust for these types of people is extremely hard and you’ll never accomplish it through words – only through actions and time. It’s not something that you should be losing sleep over, however, as it’s completely out of your control. It’s all on them. Don’t let it affect you. It’s just the way it is. Be a good friend, be a good lover, don’t become a suck up and trust will develop.
It is sad but it’s simply the way it is. There was someone mean and possibly evil in their lives when they were children that created this warped view of people in general. If you were raped when you were 12, you would probably hate men forever. So keep this in mind whenever you’re newly dating someone and spurts of craziness begin to pop up.
Remain Strong. Don’t Be Affected By Tests.
So your BPD partner is going to test you over and over again, all the time. But if they’re also being cruel and beating you down with words, this is a reflection on themselves. They feel like shit so they want you to feel like them. They want you to know how they really feel.
Instead of arguing and making a big deal out of it, instead realize in your head that they’re doing this for the reasons stated above. Don’t feed the BS. If your partner is being irrational, get the hell out of there before the roof caves in.
Most guys make the mistake of defending themselves and trying to fix the problem.
Read that line again if you must…
It’s also unacceptable to allow your partner to say mean things about you to your face. If you sit there and her do it, she’s going to keep it up whilst losing all respect for you in the process. Not a good thing.
Most guys dating emotional women let their girl talk them down, say mean things, insult them, etc. simply because they are afraid that if they stand up for themselves like a grown man should, they’ll lose out on intimacy for some time.
By advice for guys is to never put the pussy on a pedestal. If you’re afraid to defend yourself or speak your opinions because you’re hoping to get some that evening, then you’re a straight up loser with no self-respect. Grow up, please. You’re not helping your situation in any way and only reinforcing her BPD behavior.
Do you want to know the main reason that women leave their lovers?
They lose any respect that they had for them.
So how can you expect to have a successful relationship when you’re allowing your partner to poison your mind and say cruel things to you?
And it’s not even their words all the time. If their actions are disrespectful, then you need to get your shit together and stop allowing this abuse to happen. She might get even more mad at you, but guess what? Deep down she respects that you’re standing up for yourself.
Now this doesn’t mean that you start arguing and defending yourself 24/7 like an insecure child. It simply means that it’s not going to be fun for her to get in a word fight with you.
So if she’s blowing up and yelling at you and being very unreasonable, then the best thing to do is give her one of those ‘wow you’re a crazy bitch’ looks and go read a book in your room. Or go home if you’re at her place. Flip her the bird and take off.
Actions > words.
And if you’re interesting in learning more…
The Successful BPD Relationship is my new book and audio CD about the mindsets you need, taking control of your emotions, and learning how to change your behavior in order to successfully have a relationship with a Borderline. It’s simply all of my knowledge and advice packed into one package that you can download onto your computer right now.
Click HERE to learn more about it.
Comment below or email me and I’ll do what I can to help you out.
My name is Rick and welcome to Reignite The Fire. I created this blog with one sole-purpose: to develop men and women into quality individuals. With the power of quality comes the power of developing great, drama-free relationships. None of that insecure, pick-up nonsense here!