bpdworks1

Can BPD Relationships Work Long-Term?

(Updated June 5 – Minor updates and fixes.)

A common question I receive via email on a daily basis is how to make your BPD relationship great again, and if a long-term BPD relationship can really exist.

If you’re reading this article then I am going to assume that you’re dating a BPD and are experiencing one of many roller coaster rides that you’ll be on as long as things stay the same.

It’s also very likely that you suffer from some sort of Codependent issues as BPD’s tend to attract these types of individuals.

The unfortunate part about these relationships with Borderline individuals is that they start out to be so amazing. You feel like you’ve finally met the one person that understands you and will make you happy forever!

Trust me – I know the feeling! The honeymoon period is usually the most fun you’ll ever have with a woman.

Eventually, the person with BPD behavior slowly begins to show this other side that is completely new to you. They may even try to make it seem like you’re the crazy one in the process.

My first, second, and third relationship with BPD women left me beat up, broken and down in the dirt with no closure. One moment they’re with you and the next they’re with a new fling. It’s really quite painful to experience and takes time to get over – hence why we seek out help!

While it’s easy to get caught in a state of depression, it’s extremely important that you simply trust the fact that you’re better off. I know that you’re lost and confused, but you simply need to believe that everything happens for a reason. Trust your gut and pick yourself up.

Learn all you can about BPD as I have over the years. I’ve learned that it’s a wide label thrown around all over the place for individuals that suffer from extreme emotional instability.

That is really all BPD is. It’s an emotional disorder that can be cured once the affected person admits they have a problem with controlling their emotions. However, admitting that you have a problem is more than half the battle. Most people are so stubborn that they’ll never drop the ego.

I’m in the process of writing my new book and most of the focus is about emotional control and how learning to control your own emotions will help your partner behave much more satisfactory.

This is a huge concept I learned just this past year and everybody that I’ve taught it to has seen amazing improvements in their relationships. A lot of it comes down to respecting yourself and not being a pushover, but you only have control over your own behavior. What your partner decides to do is clearly up to them.

But, your behavior definitely influences the way people behave and respond around you and this is true for every type of social situation in life.

I’ve dated multiple women that I believe to have BPD behavior. I don’t like to label people as BPD anymore. I simply say that the behavior they display towards me is that of a Borderline – irrationality, impulsive lying, sexual advances, raging, extreme highs and lows and plenty more.

If you have absolutely no knowledge about BPD, then it’s extremely easy to throw around the label to anybody that seems to be crazy in your point of view. I see guys throw the label at their ex girlfriends all the time simply because she decided that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. She doesn’t have BPD - she just doesn’t want you anymore. Get over it.

If you spend the time learning about BPD, you’ll realize that these people are people just like you and me. They also want to be loved and cherished but it’s just different for them. They fear love and their extreme emotional instability creates the roller coaster ride from hell if you’re not prepared.

How I Am Able To Make A BPD Relationship Work

The first thing I want to point out is that the mainstream BPD advice is crap. I first started reading from these websites (which I refuse to link to) and they did absolutely nothing to help me long term. Remember, BPD is being thrown around all the time.

When I read the articles out there from psychologists and ‘professionals’, the same thing was being talked about all the time – how to practically be a doormat. And I don’t know about you, but in a relationship of any kind, it’s unattractive and simply not going to work. Both you and your partner will lose all respect for yourself. It’s a lose-lose situation and extremely needy.

And while a girl with BPD may behave differently and have extreme emotions, they still are attracted to men the same way other women are. 

So if you think that bending over backwards to hopefully keep your girl from ‘getting crazy’, then you’re looking at the relationship completely wrong and it’s only going to make things worse in the long-run.

Don’t Become A Soft, Fuzzy Bunny. Be A Man.

A common statement I hear from women about their partners is that they ‘grow soft.’ Men just do this in general. It’s even worse when your girl displays BPD behavior consistently.

Becoming soft is hard to notice as it happens over time. People with a high level of insecurity are very good at manipulation as it’s the only way they see that they can get you to stick around. Women naturally rarely say what they mean, but in the case about ‘becoming soft’, it’s dead on.

If you’re married to a BPD woman, then I’m sure you’ve been through a lot and have tried changing yourself over and over and over again to no avail and this is why – changing yourself for your woman 99% of the time means you’re becoming more and more ‘soft’.

Women in general test men. It’s simply what they do and even if they love you, they are going to do it until the day they die. It’s natural as they want to know that you’re not becoming soft.

Even in marriage your wife, as long as she likes you, is going to be testing you. This is a survival mechanism built into women so that they can reassure themselves that you are the man!

Now when it comes to BPD behaviors, they take testing and multiply it by 100. You can also throw in cruelty, assholeness, crazy bitchiness and more into that.

People that display a lot of BPD behavior most likely had a very tumultuous and troubled upbringing. It’s very unfortunate, it’s completely not their fault, and it’s basically got them to the point where they trust no one.

Establishing a healthy level of trust for these types of people is extremely hard and you’ll never accomplish it through words – only through actions and time. It’s not something that you should be losing sleep over, however, as it’s completely out of your control. It’s all on them. Don’t let it affect you. It’s just the way it is. Be a good friend, be a good lover, don’t become a suck up and trust will develop.

It is sad but it’s simply the way it is. There was someone mean and possibly evil in their lives when they were children that created this warped view of people in general. If you were raped when you were 12, you would probably hate men forever. So keep this in mind whenever you’re newly dating someone and spurts of craziness begin to pop up.

Remain Strong. Don’t Be Affected By Tests.

So your BPD partner is going to test you over and over again, all the time. But if they’re also being cruel and beating you down with words, this is a reflection on themselves. They feel like shit so they want you to feel like them. They want you to know how they really feel.

Instead of arguing and making a big deal out of it, instead realize in your head that they’re doing this for the reasons stated above. Don’t feed the BS. If your partner is being irrational, get the hell out of there before the roof caves in.

Most guys make the mistake of defending themselves and trying to fix the problem.

Read that line again if you must…

It’s also unacceptable to allow your partner to say mean things about you to your face. If you sit there and her do it, she’s going to keep it up whilst losing all respect for you in the process. Not a good thing.

Most guys dating emotional women let their girl talk them down, say mean things, insult them, etc. simply because they are afraid that if they stand up for themselves like a grown man should, they’ll lose out on intimacy for some time.

By advice for guys is to never put the pussy on a pedestal. If you’re afraid to defend yourself or speak your opinions because you’re hoping to get some that evening, then you’re a straight up loser with no self-respect. Grow up, please. You’re not helping your situation in any way and only reinforcing her BPD behavior.

Do you want to know the main reason that women leave their lovers?

They lose any respect that they had for them.

So how can you expect to have a successful relationship when you’re allowing your partner to poison your mind and say cruel things to you?

And it’s not even their words all the time. If their actions are disrespectful, then you need to get your shit together and stop allowing this abuse to happen. She might get even more mad at you, but guess what? Deep down she respects that you’re standing up for yourself.

Now this doesn’t mean that you start arguing and defending yourself 24/7 like an insecure child. It simply means that it’s not going to be fun for her to get in a word fight with you.

So if she’s blowing up and yelling at you and being very unreasonable, then the best thing to do is give her one of those ‘wow you’re a crazy bitch’ looks and go read a book in your room. Or go home if you’re at her place. Flip her the bird and take off.

Actions > words.

And if you’re interesting in learning more…

The Successful BPD Relationship is my new book and audio CD about the mindsets you need, taking control of your emotions, and learning how to change your behavior in order to successfully have a relationship with a Borderline. It’s simply all of my knowledge and advice packed into one package that you can download onto your computer right now.

BPD Book

Click HERE to learn more about it.

Comment below or email me and I’ll do what I can to help you out.

RR

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User Responses

75 Responses and Counting...

  1. alex harrington

    May 26, 2012

    i currently was dumped by my BPD girlfriend but have fallen completely head over heals for her so im going to get her back but my one main question is what can i do to achieve this as my goal

  2. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I wrote a book that’s all about having a successful BPD relationship. Have you checked it out yet? I also have a lot of articles on these relationships. Set boundaries, demand respect, personal growth, etc. are good starting points.

  3. Steve

    May 26, 2012

    I don’t know if your relationship will work. I have dated a borderline and it didn’t work. Even when I set boundaries, stood up for myself, and demanded respect. The boundaries were constantly tested and the only thing left to do was end the relationship. There was also violence and emotional abuse from her which isn’t cool. What do you do then Rick? You love the woman, but she doesn’t know how to love herself. I know you say take care of yourself, but I already was and she was not. I also grew tired of her bullshit and the constant rollercoasters. Guess I was just looking for a more stable relationship.

  4. Susie

    May 26, 2012

    “It’s actually been awhile for me since I’ve had a big outbreak with my girl. She respects me and knows that I could leave at any given moment and am willing to break up with her if she gets super crazy. That is powerful stuff.”

    What if the girlfriend (in this situation I’m the crazy-BPD girlfriend) thinks her boyfriend (of 4 years!) will leave her/break up with her when she has a bpd episode? Usually my anger/destructive behavior appears during a fight with my boyfriend which I completely feel like it’s the end of the world and convince myself (most unflatteringly) that he will leave me. By the way, he DOESN’T want to leave me (he’s know about my issues since day one). I also can’t fathom my boyfriend not coming and helping me when I get in these moods. If left alone (as you suggest to just walk away if the bpd-er says something to start a fight/crazy-bitch moment) my bpd-ness grows and grows until I am almost inconsolable and can only think of death/self harm. I can’t trust myself and I need my boyfriend with me at those times. Do you still feel like he shouldn’t be there? He should just walk away? I can’t handle my emotions and it seems counterproductive for him to walk away. Even if I am telling him he hates me and he should just leave etc etc. If he were to leave during those kinds of fights I would take it to reeeally mean he doesn’t care and has given up and I am unworthy of any kind of compassion/love.

  5. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Hey Susie, what I suggest is that people should only leave when their partner becomes unreasonable and very crazy. Sure my girlfriend says stuff like ‘you hate me’ which seems to be almost daily, I don’t even let it get to me. In fact, nothing gets to me because I UNDERSTAND what you have going on. My gf knows however not to insult me, shame me, guilt me, degrade me or whatever because if she does that, I’m not going to sit there and take it and I believe that NO ONE should take it just because she has bpd.

  6. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Yep, at the end of the day you really have got to decide if this is what you want or not. It’s all about YOUR feelings which you realize so more props to you man. Personally, we don’t fight much anymore and there’s not much craziness. You have to establish boundaries early on or else you’re doomed.

  7. CARL

    May 26, 2012

    My BPD girlfriend of 9 months has done everything from verbal abuse to physical abuse. She has not cheated though. I left her every time she acted like this, sometimes I didn’t contact her for days because I will not tolerate it yet when I returned after she promised she wouldn’t do it again, nothing changed. I haven’t spoken to her in the last week and she is constantly phoning and sending texts apologising. She has been to see a doctor and she is been sent to get tested for BPD and treatment. I want to return but I fear she will betray me as her moods are escalating. I know how to handle her behaviour but betrayal would hurt too much because I love this woman… I have arrived at that moment, to decide if I want to continue…

  8. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I talked to Carl over email and I just wanted to point out here that his woman is beyond BPD, she sounds almost psychopath to me with probably HPD, NPD, bipolar and everything else under the sun. Carl is handling the situation correctly however. He shouldn’t ever take any abuse and neither should you. If you sit on the bed and passively let a girl rip into you, reject you, insult you etc. you’re a wimp and you don’t deserve any girl.

  9. cintia

    May 26, 2012

    So I recently learned that I have bpd and it puts so many things in perspective. I was in a few terrible relationships and honestly had absolutely no idea why. I was the full fledged roller coaster ride of emotional death and disturbance. I’ve since educated myself on the disorder and go to therapy. I’m not stable yet but I can now catch myself starting to overreact and try to talk myself out of it. I completely agree with you, Rick. Boundaries and standing up for yourself if you’re the boyfriend is crucial. We need to know that our behavior tho involuntary, does not come without consequences. But if the woman isn’t aware of her condition and is not actively working towards getting better, well, I can see it being nearly impossible to maintain

  10. cintia

    May 26, 2012

    anything long term and seemingly healthy. The testing does become less sabotage like but will probably never go away. I used it to get rid of my boyfriend because I knew (false) he would leave anyway. Now I spare men the headache if getting involved with me until I’m at a place where I can handle a relationship. It’s a rocky road but achievable.

  11. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Yea for sure. I thoroughly enjoy women that have BPD because they have lived such interesting, usually intense lives. It’s really mind blowing when you get them to open up. Unfortunately, 99% of guys end up getting that ‘Omg this girl needs a man like me to rescue her’ mentality even if they don’t know it and that’s when shit hits the fan :P

  12. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Exactly – if the girl isn’t aware of her condition or is in denial, it will be one hell of a roller coaster. However, I truly believe a strong dude that isn’t affected by these crazy making behaviors is still able to have a solid relationship with a BPD. The only guys that seem to be affected by these relationships are the pushover, desperate for intimacy types which happen to make up most of the male population.

  13. George

    May 26, 2012

    I have recently left my wife and have met a lovely girl who recently told me that she suffers from BPD. Our relationship started just as I was about to leave my wife with whom I have a young child with. I have since moved in with my girlfriend and we have been together for nearly 6 months now.

    My wife and I remain on good terms and although I am happy with my new girlfriend, she is getting increasingly jealous of my ex. She is trying to stop me from seeing her but I have to as I go and see or collect my daughter every day. I tell my girlfriend that I left my wife because I didnt love her but this doesnt help, she still keeps getting anry and phoning me etc when Im with my daughter/ex which then upsets my ex.

    I havent introduced my girlfriend to my young daughter as my ex doesnt want this to happen due to my girlfriends issues and the fact that she see’s her as ‘the other woman’ and Im beginning to agree that it may not be the best thing to do either as my girlfriend is getting quite aggresive. Do you have any advice on this? Do you think I should introduce them even though my ex is against this? Is my girlfriend likely to be nasty in front of my daughter as she is turning into a different person now.

    Thank you

  14. Paul

    May 26, 2012

    Rick,

    Great stuff, somehow I met a woman in college, and little did I know she has been triangulating/seducing me with her husband, boyfriends et al. for 30 years.

    Finally when I we were both “single” I decided to see what this woman was all about. Turns out she has many BPD signs/symptoms. I agree completely with your insight in to the pluses of dating a woman like this.

    I have been seeing a therapist about dealing with her, and their techniques didn’t work. I see the logic in your approach. I am and have been the emotional rock you talk about, but I didn’t have the technique of just leaving. Everything they teach in therapy is “talk”… but actions speak louder than words.

    I am about to meet her again after a “break” by me, she wants to “talk”. I have used your technique of lowing my investment, and availability. I was wondering if you had any more insight or ideas of how to establish respect? Would you recommend I lay out the foundation here, tell her what is going to happen? Or just go and listen to her, and then if I run into the crazymaking just act…? or….

    Thanks again, great stuff!

    Paul.

  15. sarah

    May 26, 2012

    i have bpd myself and i am in therapy,would be happy to answer any questions anyone might have.I have known for a year i had bpd,and my behaviour has improved lots since then even though i feel terrible inside sometimes.I spent 6 months on my own getting my life together and i have been seeing someone for 2.5months now.I was very clingy in the beginning as when he didnt see me for 3-4 days i would feel like he didnt like me,i would whinge a bit about it.i have been honest about my bpd and he knows i attend therapy weekly,im taking it one day at a time. I feel i want a healthy relationship with equal amounts of give and take and im even starting to feel good when i get to spend time on my own when were apart. What i am struggling with right now is the feeling of suffocation when he stays the weekend and i think its because im scared he will leave and ill be left with a broken heart because hes been in my life so frequently,also maybe ive got used to being alone and clearing up my last exs messes and now its calm and quiet and i just dont know how to handle calm and quiet without feeling bored and agitated. For the most part though im doing fantastically and im so proud of my developing ability to ride out the bad patches and build a relationship with my new bf slowly and without drama,i will get there im sure.Not all bpders are going to go out of their way to cause drama,some of us know we are sick and want to make others happy and dont want to inflict our illness on others….this site is lovely because it shows not everyone thinks we are monsters lol

  16. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Hey thanks for the comment. No, BPDs aren’t monsters. They just lack a lot of what us normal folk got. But then a lot of normal folk end up with these crazy emotional attachment issues. So there’s really no middle ground lol. My advice to BPD’s is always the same – learn to think positive and learn to be comfortable with yourself, learn to be happy alone. That’s key to life happiness. If you can live life without needing love from anyone else, you’ve reached the pinnacle of success. Do you think Tony Stark depends on women for happiness? Hell no. It’s not really narcissistic thinking. It’s simply becoming 100% comfortable with who you are. If you are not comfortable with yourself, then do what you can to get there. Get off your butt, get out in the world, get some hobbies, make friends, stay away from alcohol if you’re a BPD :)

  17. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Ha, therapists don’t know shit about BPD mainly because they’re BPD’s themselves usually. Actions always speak louder than words. This is what I would do if I were you: I would meet up with her and then I would say ‘So talk…’ and then sit there and wait for her to talk. She’ll probably want you to talk, but all you gotta do is say ‘You said you wanted to meet up and talk, so talk.’ And keep that going. If she gets frustrated and leaves, don’t say anything and let her go. Enjoy your meal. If she texts you or anything, stick to the plan. Tell her you’re still waiting for her ‘to talk’. Keep doing that until she spills her guts ;)

  18. Anonymous

    May 26, 2012

    Hey Rick,

    Just wanted to write. Great website. I’m actually planning on writing an e-book on relationships with BPD males. The topics a little more complex being that most of them have traits of NPD as well but I agree that RESPECT is the highest form of love in these roller coaster relationships. They cannot love you if they don’t respect you!!!! My BPD showed his ass on numerous occasions but he always came back because I demanded respect for myself. Triangulation and Arguments I always walked out on. Just took myself off the roller coaster. I happened to be reading a book called the “Art of Seduction” and in many ways it saved my life. It helped me to understand that we all have seductive power and we all have to learn how to use it. It’s an essential survival skill.

    I eventually ended up dumping mine and never looked back because the narcissism, neediness and entitlement were off the charts. Unfortunately mine lives on a few feet away so I see him damn near every day. Of course he looks like shit and I know like I know like I know that he misses me as much as I miss him. There are days when I want to turn back the hands of time but for the most part I say move the fuck forward. I could never respect someone who lacks the ability to respect themselves. Plus they can never be trusted!!!!! Even when you stand your ground they violate trust just because of their weak sense of selves and their incessant insecurities. I learned how to have better boundaries for myself but they simply don’t have any boundaries of their own.

    There are plenty of fish in the sea and they are not God’s gift from heaven. Yes they can be interesting, fun, risky, and awesome in the bedroom but they are emotionally undercooked. For me that will always undermine the entire relationship.

  19. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Too each their own. I’ve been dating my BPD girlfriend for over a year now and we haven’t had any issues for a long time. I do have a lot of previous experience however and a lot of bad relationships and crazy experiences and broken hearts. I’ve learned a lot to get to where I am. Now I don’t know much about dating BPD males but I agree that they must be rough since males naturally are more domineering in relationships and the leaders. I do get plenty of women coming to me for help, but it is much harder simply because I don’t have the experience of dating BPD men. But I believe that they can work out if you learn to not let them walk all over you.

  20. Freddie

    May 26, 2012

    Hi Rick,

    Did any of your gals ever felt like she wasnt happy anymore? That she needed time to “think” about you two?

    Ive been dating this diagnosed BPD for more than 7 months now. We had our ups and down. She warned me about BPD, I informed myself alot and decided I wanted to keep going. I was and am ok with the “roller coaster” as long as she keeps the connection is my rule.

    We passed christmas and new year’s eve time together and we generally had good times but we had couple of downs where she needed her “space”

    Then when I moved back home after those 12 days together, she really wants her space, and says shes not happy with relationship etc…

    I feel we have much more to share, but I wanted to see, could it be one of her downs? One of those hate phase? Did it ever happen to you that your girl was not happy in the relationship?

    We had really good times, yes at the beginning during the “honeymoon” phase, but even since stuff have more rollercoaster-like we, or i?, almost found ourselves back together and been able to be happy and all

    So ya deep within me im saying that shes down amd we’ll work things out

    But perhaps really she isnt happy in this relationship and BPD has nothing to do with it?

    Id love to exchange some mails if possiblr

    Thanks in advance for any inputs :(

  21. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Hey Freddie,

    Yea I can totally relate man. BPD’s tend to be very up and down. It’s just how the relationship is. My advice is that whenever anyone is asking for space is to give them the universe. Don’t be thinking about trying to make things happier for her or better for her. Just tell her Okie dokie and let her have her space. Most guys make the mistake of trying to fix things or make things better. This is the opposite of what you should do. Just let her have her space and don’t get sucked into her negativity. There are much deeper issues going on here and it’s probably a sign that she’s just not that into you anymore, but I could write up page after page about that. Check out my book.

    - Rick

  22. Jessiboo

    May 26, 2012

    My boyfriend/fiancee (who is also the father of both my kids) has BPD ( ithink) he refused to go see a therapist. He has alot of the sypmtoms rage and verbal abuse out of no where. we have this love/hate relationship. I love him and i know he loves me but out of the 7 day week we may have 3-4 good days. We have been together for 4.5 years I dont know what to do. this is not a relationship that just happend. He started showing the signs of BPD in 2012. I love him and want to marry him and want to be a happy family but I cannot continue the verbal abuse. I have walked out plenty of times (2 week hiatas) only to come back because he says he loves and misses me…will your book help??? I know he wants to make this long term bc he proposed but i dont wanna EVER get divorced. My first marriage will be my only marriage. I dont want my kids to live in unhappiness. We do a good job of not arguing in front of kids…but the EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER is tiring…he doesnt respond to how i feel….im just at the end of the road and I dont know what to do! HELP ME!

  23. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Because he just started showing signs tells me he’s not a BPD. He’s most likely going through a stage in his life where he isn’t happy with his current life situation. He just doesn’t know what to do. My book might help you with yourself, but it’s not going to help the relationship. Men are leaders and they run relationships. FACT. You really need to back off from him as he simply wants change in his life.

    My advice to you is to not marry this guy. It’s not worth it. Marriage won’t change anything. In fact, it will make things worse. Like you said, he can only handle 3-4 days. The fact is that he’s just not excited about a relationship with you. That’s why he rages. He’s scared to leave you because he has children with you, but he’s obviously not happy right now. You can’t change anybody which is a core teaching of mine so don’t try. The only thing you can do is back off and let him figure things out. You should tell him that as well. Next time he rages, take the kids and leave and tell him that he needs to figure out his life before he gets to see the kids and you again.

    Start meeting new men. It’s really the best advice I can offer. You don’t want to spend a life time chasing a man that’s not that interested in you despite what he says. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Always judge people by their behavior ie. ACTIONS.

  24. Pam

    May 26, 2012

    Hi Rick,

    I have been in a relationship with my gf for 4 years going on to 5 years. I believe she BPD based on what i have read. I am at a breaking point and so sick of something always being my fault and how I have to be the one to change for things to be better between us. Throughout the relationship i have given into arguments apologized when i dont even believe i should and forgiven her for things without any consequences yet she always punishes me for whatever issue she may have with me. Recently, she cooked dinner and got mad at me for not washing the dishes and i apologized repeatedly and it was sitll not enough she said that I am just inconsiderate and that have to change. But, the truth is I am not that way and i even tell her things that i have done and she just does not acknowledge anything. She told me she did not want to see me for a week but that we can still communicate. However, she has now stopped taking my calls and text and is just ignoring me now. I believe this is bc i went out with my friends which i dont do often, instead of staying home and working on changing myself for her. I dont get how she does not see that this reaction over what happened is so extreme. Deep down inside i feel like this is what i will have to always deal with as long as im with her. I dont get why i still stay knowing this.

  25. Carlos

    May 26, 2012

    Just been through hell over 2 years with what I think can only be a BPD/Narc. I found her at first when we met the love of my life, great sex, smiles, laughs etc, it was all there. There was an ex still hanging around in the background, sending gifts etc, it make me feel jealous and a bit worthless I must say, I always commented when any gift came. I felt she was playing me a bit but we had a great time still. I did notice that she kept a few of his items, camera, house keys etc which he did request back. After a nice christmas with my family and her daughter came as well we were doing fine for a few months, chats and walks and feeling like a bonded relationship. She had to move house, which I helped of course, then a bunch of flowers turned up from the Ex again, saying enjoy the new home, I said please can this stop now, she said she would tell him, I explained it made me feel sick inside, she didnt quite understand when I mentioned and said just get over it, nice!! A month later she become more verbal and looking not herself, couldnt quite get to what was she thinking, she told me she was going on holiday for Easter with her daughter for 3 weeks in the UK, so I said ok have a nice time, she said she couldnt wait to see me until she got back. Anyway, off she went, but in a very foul mood with me on the last day before she went and acted as if I had done something awful and blamed me hook line and sinker that I had been cruel and nasty to her and she said dont bother contacting me ever again, I have a gun at home be warned. I was shocked and dumbfounded and ended up in tears for a week.
    Here’s the crunch, she never told me her exact destination until I contacted her ex husband by email, here’s the bombshell, she was in Australia with the ex boyfriend, how nice of her and made me feel I had done something wrong. I also found out she had had numerous affaris, stabbed her ex husband, had ongoing sexual relationships with couples (yep, she liked both sexes) a history of abusing men in general, I must have had idiot written on my forehead, I was devastated.
    A few months later and a few death threats later I hasten to had from her and her friends, police all over me when I was the victim, she came crawling back, with sorrys, i have missed you, can we start again.
    Me being the caring type said the worst thing ever, yes ok!! I bought her everything, a car, clothes, days out with her child, weekends away, meals, drink (which changed her mood drastically) and everything a man can do.
    She recycled me it felt when she came back, she was so nice then the put downs started, name calling, physical punches, cheating on me, abusing her own daughter verbally and physically, always accused me of cheating, jealous of me, had me in tears after calling my family names, more abuse, death threats etc, she even tried to kill her own sister one weekend over an Easter egg, police involved again, I was just in a place I have never felt, I realised that I was not the wrong party, I never lied, cheated, abused her, but she must have done this to control me I guess, was it because she loved me, of just because she liked the game of hurting me, who knows?!!! Im out of it now after reporting her to the child protection people, and even that she has used as harrassment against her with the police, I can never win, she was never happy really, I think it was a front to get more from me, but maybe now by being alone with PTSD I will win in time. Do you guys think Im right about BPD, or is the woman a Psychopath? Be interested to know, there’s a lot more to tell to be honest and I could write a book.
    Carlos

  26. Catharine

    May 26, 2012

    Hi, I have BPD. I appreciate that you’ve pointed out that a wide variety of people with completely different personalities can be afflicted with this painful emotional disorder — and that’s what it is at its core: a difficulty regulating emotions. How this manifests can be as different as the variety of people and personality types out there. I do tend to take issue with one idea that you’ve stated though — that of people with borderline personality being prone to chronic lying. I can say, at least speaking for myself, that I am at the opposite side of the spectrum with this. I’m almost compelled to honesty and self-disclosure. It’s part of what makes a relationship beautiful. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work well for me sometimes. My last relationship was with a man I strongly believe to have a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (look it up sometime — it’s called Closet Narcissistic Disorder of the Self, or the “Vulenerable Narcissist” — I figure you might be interested because on the surface level it is often confused for BPD, and might be an alternative explanation for some of these women’s unfortunate behavior). Well, he lied to me often and without real guilt over doing so. And to add insult to injury, my honesty and self-disclosure seemed to only be used against me in the end. It’s very lonely for someone like me with BPD. As a shy person who has generally been burned a lot, I tend to keep to myself and keep my intense, painful emotions from others. I have depression and bouts of dysphoria (multiple intense negative emotions that are lead me to suicidal thoughts and panic). Anyway, thanks for noting that there are different types of us out there. It has been six months since my breakup and I still feel quite devastated by it and can’t seem to move on. Meeting people and dating is not easy for me at all. Trusting is hard. While I work on myself and my depression, as well as DBT therapy and skills, I still believe that love and a positive, committed relationship are part of the cure for this painful illness. I like the term one Doctor came up for BPD — “Dyslimbia”. It describes the malfunction of the limbic system of the brain to regulate emotion properly. Because no matter what our maladaptive traits, that is the root of the problem even once we’ve overcome the rest. I truly hope to find love some day with someone who is every bit as committed to making it work as I am. Thanks for listening.

  27. Catharine

    May 26, 2012

    Oh, also I must say I am quite sorry for some of the experiences you all have had as I read the comments above. I can’t say anything for sure but in the case of Carlos it does sound like more of a Narcissism issue. I believe Narcissism to be a lower grade on the continuum of psychopathic traits, but take my opinion with a grain of salt. It feels kind of funny to say I’m the one with BPD but that I can relate to you all so much. It is awful to love so much and to be hurt time and again.

  28. Catharine

    May 26, 2012

    I understand Susie. When I’m in a state of dysphoria all I really need is to be held and told it’s all going to be okay, that he loves me, and that we’re in it together. Silent treatment and “tough love” don’t work, if that’s what I’m experience, and only lead to a spiral of despair and suicidal thoughts. I think those tactics can contribute to building loneliness in the relationship and, even worse, resentment. Of course, no one should just sacrifice themselves for someone else’s storms. It’s just a little, “Hey, I love you, it’s okay. We can work this out when you feel better” and a good hug help can work wonders to defuse a bad situation fast.

  29. Jonny

    May 26, 2012

    What do i do when she wont admiit orr acknowledeg the fact that she has bpd and constantly shifts the blame of her emotions onto my behaviors??

  30. Trilce

    May 26, 2012

    Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with BPD. For a second it was a huge relief to finally understand what has been going on most of my life. I have been in therapy for years, mostly treated for depression and have to give it to myself- I have made a tremendous improvement before being diagnosed. I no longer cut/ attempt suicide, I am able to have stable relationships at work/ with friends, I don’t drink/ do drugs/ engage on casual sex encounters anymore. However, the romantic relationships is the area where I seem to fail terribly. I had, until Suday, a very caring, loving man by my side. I would only see him on weekends as he lives in another state, but he made sure to be in constant communication with me via text/ phone calls. The pattern was for the most part the same, we would have an amazing weekend and just as it was coming to an end I’d freak out and start a fight over any stupid thing and escalated it to the point of breakup (my idea, not his) This past Sunday he finally said he’s had it. Took all of his tuff and has remained NC. I have chosen to respect his desicion as I know the relationship with me was hurting him. I, on the other hand, feel horrible that I lost such and amazing man. I wish I could just “snap out of” BPD. I wish I could get my loving ex back :(

  31. Dan

    May 26, 2012

    I really think you’re advice is great. I’m a man who’s been diagnosed with BPD and have done therapy and DBT for quite a while now. Obviously it doesn’t work well because I have nothing nice to say. Nobody truly know the facts about BPD or relationships with BPD. Yes, they are very trying as my wife would a test to, but until you’ve walked a bit in the shoes of a BPD, you don’t truly know even though every BPD case is unique. You have no authority as to say whether someone is BPD or not, but then again not even the most qualified doctors should. Trust me, there are MANY good books written about BPD or how to handle it, but then again, trying to handle a relationship is for losers. Maybe that’s why you’ve been involved in 2-3 relationships with BPD’s that never worked out cause you don’t know what it takes but then again you’re with a BPD for over a year now and have no problems.

    I really should pick up your book because I’m sure it’s awesome.

  32. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Thanks Dan! You sound like you’re upset but it’s ok. I took care of things for you ;) It sounds to me like all the therapy and crappy books you’ve been reading have done nothing but buried you into the BPD sand. Yea, there’s no way out of that. Good luck. BPD can be cured but you obviously don’t believe that and your doctors don’t want you to believe that because they like giving you pills. But it’s okay. And yes my book is the best one out there because it teaches people how to stand up for themselves and not accept abuse which BPD’s tend to do and then use BPD as an excuse. But hey, at least you admit to having BPD. You might just be on the right path!

  33. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Yea I hear ya, we all make mistakes and it sucks to lose something you like. But hey, you’re on the right path. It’s ultimately your decision to get into that pattern and start a fight. It kind of worries me though that he would fight back with you and let things escalate. Any real man wouldn’t have any of that. So I wouldn’t be too worried, plus he was out of state. Long-distance relationships are hard.

    Any idea what causes/triggers you to start a fight? What do you fight about? How does he react? Does he get defensive?

  34. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    If she doesn’t admit to having BPD, then use other words. I hate using BPD now, it’s just too broad. Say that she’s got the widest range of emotions you’ve ever seen. Of course she’s going to deny having a problem lol. The hardest step is admitting you have a problem.

  35. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I love this response, good stuff. That’s what a real man would say :) Ignoring is passive-aggressive and definitely NOT what I teach here.

  36. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Great comment and you’re completely right: not all BPD’s are prone to lying. I want to point out that I didn’t say all BPD’s lie. It’s just that the vast majority tend to :) But either way, BPD is an emotional disorder. But it’s so broad as each person is still unique to themselves. I really want people to get away from the ‘oh she has BPD, no wonder she’s crazy’ mentality because we all do crazy things sometimes. Instead, we need to understand that some people can’t control their emotions as well as others. I do believe that we can all learn that however, even borderlines.

  37. WoundedPumpkin

    May 26, 2012

    Oh wow, I am so glad I found this site. I have BPD. Was diagnosed March of 2010. My parents thought I was on drugs not that I had a mental illness. My old Psych referred me to a psych who specialises in BPD because thought I needed more specific care, and here I am today. I have done 2 years of DBT therapy and have started another therapy called ACT (acceptance, commitment therapy). It is a real challenge but I aim to get myself better. The reason why I have commented is because I am not sure if it is my BPD or I have been with a totally freak of nature man.

    Last week he started abusing me, so I switched off and stopped talking to him. This has been a cycle over the space of 4 years, he’ll leave, be in a relationship, it’ll fail and he’ll come back to me and expect me to forget he’s been sleeping with other woman when I have done nothing of the sort. Unless I am with him, I am with no one in those breaks … I can’t handle the thought of anyone but him touching me, maybe that is why I find it so hard to let go … The last thing he did was, move to be with a woman. It lasted 3 weeks and then he came crawling back to me. I humoured him for a lil bit and then he said I love you, I want to marry you but YOU need to find us a house to live in. I wanted to be with him and I agreed I would start looking but I needed time as my mind doesn’t cope with stress to well and he knows I have BPD … When I wasn’t doing it fast enough to his liking he started abusing me so I said ENOUGH and asked him to give me space. I only needed a few days to calm down and then I asked if we could talk. Nothing, total silence, he always gives the silent treatment … Granted I am no angel, but when I asked him for space I had abused him with an email which I am not proud of. I was so frustrated as I had asked him many times to not pressure me and that I have to process and plan before I do anything.

    I just don’t know if it is me or him. Or both of us, probably is to a certain extent. I guess I just want to know that this is not all my fault because he won’t accept his actions have helped in myself reacting how I have.

  38. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I like the look of your blog and like that you’re actively improving your life. That’s rare these days as most people in general don’t do that. But the situation you’re in is definitely something I have a problem with… I don’t like how you’re attached to a dude that runs off with other women and then comes back to you when it doesn’t work out with other women. That’s what people with emotional issues do – I had a BPD ex that would do that shit. And the old, dumb me would take her back. I was obsessed. It was bad.

    This is all due to a lack of control of your emotional state. I have been there. This BPD ex of mine ruled my feelings and my emotions. Nothing changed until I snapped out of this trance and took back control over my feelings. This is one of the biggest details I coach because it’s absolutely vital. When you are able to control how you feel at any given time, you’re able to instantly drop any drama and emotions and feelings and whatever else there may be for a certain person and instead focus on yourself and what YOU want which is most important.

    This guy in your life is a tool. A straight up tool. He is playing you hard, even if it’s not on purpose. You are his back up plan. And the reason he continues to go back and forth with you and other women is that YOU ALLOW HIM TO COME BACK. This has absolutely nothing to do with BPD. I coach men on a daily basis that don’t have BPD and they experience the same exact situation that you are in. It is bad. It is painful. It is passive and weak.

    Don’t be offended by anything I have told you. This is the truth you need to hear. This guy is bad news. As long as you let him occupy your thoughts and pull you in over and over again, you’re never going to experience what life really has to offer. Just think about how many great opportunities might have slipped by in the past 4 years. There probably were a number of great men.

    What you need to work on is not BPD therapy. That’s obviously not working as you’re still in the same mind frame when it comes to this tool. Instead, you need to focus on your thoughts and your feelings. You need to grab control of those because as long as they’re thinking about this tool, you’re not in control. Just drop the thought of BPD from your mind, it’s tearing you down. It’s making you feel at fault for this guy leaving you over and over when it has NOTHING to do with it. This guy is simply a loser, a disease. The sooner you forget about him and move on, the sooner you’ll realize how ridiculous this whole thing really is.

    - Rick

  39. WoundedPumpkin

    May 26, 2012

    I am not offended one bit. I need this type of tough love. My mother said the same but because she is my mother, I got my back up but you are right. Thank You, maybe my mother does know what she is on about … I actually wonder if he has a mental illness himself but I am no expert … I actually said to my best friend my biggest battle is not my BPD, it is not letting him have any more space in my head. He is no good for me and I know this. That’s why this frustrates the hell out of me when I let him back in …

    I think I will buy your book and use it on myself :-)

  40. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I have a new book coming out soon which is 1000 times better than my old one. The original is still good, but just not even close to the knowledge I have now. But it’s still worth to buy because you get the new book free when it comes out. And I’ll be raising the price to 19.95 :)

  41. cameron

    May 26, 2012

    Hello again Rick,if you notice today I have spent an insane amount of time looking for answers,not answers for her but surprisingly answers for myself,I’m not unreasonable and my need to figure this out is for me,the anger I felt and the rage I went through was absolutley hell,Ive never been through this much bedlam and not had a clue how to fix it,some background here I’m 44 years old she is 41,she was raped at an early age and while trying to help her cope, I had a terrible like movie in slow motion memory come back to me I was baby sat everyday from the age of 2-5 and I remembered the 3 teenage girls that watched me raped me repetedly at that age ,you talk about destroyed,hurt ,mad all of it see they would play with my little guy then pee on my face forcing me to use my tougue to get air,so ya I know the pain she felt (I had blocked it all out) and what she had in her heart from so long ago,ok moving on, her mother still denying it ever happened and saying to her”it’s the womans place to make your man want to come home”blew me away”,I always thought that if your relationship is strong you would want to go home to her and vise versa.
    anyway,her mother got sick and she started in about why can’t she see what she has done to me?and after 2 hours of taking my Libra diplomacy to it’s breaking point I simply said,Angel Eyes (pet name)do you love your mother? she said yes crying,I said girl,let it go,she is from a very different world than our generation,she cant go back,just tell her mom it’s ok,she started but,but,I said honey you love her and she has been reaching out to you lately,let her have some piece and give her your absolution by saying “it’s ok mom”.
    She went to see her mom I did not go,funny Ive never been to her parents home in 3.5 years,but any way she did it,came back and cried on my shoulder thanking me,it’s was nice to really be there for her,1 month later,she started hanging around my ex and I think it was because if she was with her she knew I would not be,at any rate I took my son back to ex place and they pulled up and she got out got right in my face and started screaming and close fist hit me once then slapped me twice,I’m 6foot 4 inches 230 lbs,and I was pissed I went toward her stopped and went over to the car she was driving which is owned by a guy she had a fling with told she would marry then dummped him,any way my anger after 2 years of not doing anything caused me to remove the fender right off the car with my foot,and then I stopped got back in car and left.
    She had been beaten by a former boyfriend of 5 years and died for 4 minutes from it,I would never hit a woman but that was I felt her attemp to get me to hit her to have a reason to be pissed at me to make me as low as she felt and to prove I’m just like the rest.I dont know it was my guess at the time.
    I am ashamed of the damage to the car,I guess that was the end of my mental disaplin,she is such a beautiful intellegent woman and it’s is such a tragety that no one can hold her up and show the world just how proud she can be to feel the love of a man that simply wants her to accept the love I freely offer,I’m passed thinking I can help.
    Last I said to her was:” I’m wanting what I do deserve and thats respect”,I will not contact you anymore If you can repect me and yourself when at least with me and understand that I have never let you down in 3 years and have not waiverd then perhaps just maybe I’ am not going to abandon you,I did not come 3.5 years to give up,but it’s ur turn to show me you care enough about yourself to try,not for me but for you.
    she then was diagnosed with PTSD,and from what I have read through in the last 12 hours about BPD seems identical to 80% percent of her behavior,I do wish thangs were different,If I had known then what I know now,I could have brought out maybe just a little of that woman inside I could always see in her and been the man she needed me to be.
    Cameron
    PS I remembered the name of the teenage girls looked them up went to their address now and they were all sick old, wheelchair and oxygen tanks,I just pulled away and thought i don’t need anything from them,they have nothing for me.

  42. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    You really need to put yourself first before anyone else. This is something most people forget. When you put yourself and your needs and your wants and desires before anything else, you’re not going to get sucked into a bad situation regardless whether she has BPD or not. It’s simply not going to manifest around you.

  43. Callum and emma

    May 26, 2012

    Hey rick,
    Would just like to say that I’m sitting in my front room with my girlfriend who is a bpd sufferer and reading through your comments and other people’s we can relate so much. I’m trying to understand my partner as this is all new to me. We ride the rollercoaster but ultimately love one another dearly and couldn’t be without each other. We are going to put all our efforts into making this work and your website only inspires us to work harder. Thank you.

  44. KAS

    May 26, 2012

    This is a good website – wish I had read it last year. I was with a guy who was my soulmate kind of – we knew each other since age 17 (now 38) and were together 3.5 years when young but things blew up because of his issues (BPD behaviors like major anger, severe separation anxiety, lack of trust/unfounded accusations, and “splitting”)…we met up again last year and I allowed myself to forget about how he had been because I still loved him and it was like he still loved me after all those years. It was awesome. Then a few problems happened, he freaked on me for small things and I told him I wasn’t comfrotable with his treatment and needed to figure out if this was right. He apologized deeply and I accepted it…Then BOOM! After months of saying I was his soul mate, he finally said he wanted to commit to me, then a week later he kicked me out of his life completely and will have no contact with me. That was about 8 months ago. He has no idea he has any mental illness and thinks he is very stable. I don’t think he has heard of BPD. I feel sorry for him and I still love him but there is really nothing I can do. I asked him if I could call him and he said if I contact him he will get a peace order and he regrets ever letting me back in his life. Somehow he even convinced his parents and sister (who were my friends and I thought loved me) to never talk to me again. It’s really sad and I miss him.

  45. broken.hope

    May 26, 2012

    I am a BPD woman, single now reading all of this and remembering my past relationship. I can’t stand the way I am. I feel cursed. If I could just decide to be a stable normal girl I would do it so fast. Anyway, I was just wondering if there are any surveys on what percent of BPD women ever get married.

  46. Alexandra

    May 26, 2012

    Hi…i was wondering if two people both with bpd can have a successful relationship. My ex has been diagnosed and it was only whilst reading up on it that i realised that it was most likely what i have too. Without going in to details I’ve got a history!!! He is currently not receiving help and i can’t see how to move forward, especially as my parents response for mental illness is to m”an up” or if its someone else then to run away fast!!! Sorry, im rambling. My ex wants to work it out and i know that we could be incredibly happy together but at what cost??? We’ve both got children from previous relationships that i don’t want to get caught up in it all. Thank you x

  47. anonymous

    May 26, 2012

    I am choosing to remain anonymous. I have been searching the internet a lot today. I was told a while ago that I had BPD. My boyfriend also had BPD, so I am sure you can imagine how our relationship is. When hes up im down and when im up hes down. In a way we compliment one another because he is able to help me when I go into my severe depression and I am able to help him as well. But it does not seem like it will ever end. We love each other more than anything. But there will be periods of time when we are happy and everything is fine. and then one day I wake up and hate the world and everyone in it for two or three weeks. It doesn’t sound bad but its awful. I either sleep for 16 hours or more or I stay in my room and do nothing all day. I can barely get out of bed I think that everyone is out to get me and most importantly I CANNOT feel love no matter what anyone else does for me o shows me I cannot physically or mentally feel love. I know it must have something to do with my family. 80% of them are insane so it does not help being around them. All they care about are themselves and it has always been that way. but I want us to be happy to get married and have children but how is that ever supposed to happen???

  48. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    My advice for toxic situations is to always start by dumping the poison. This is always the first step. And this can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. If you have family that are toxic to your life, you need to limit the amount of time you see/talk to as little as possible. You have to get rid of as much toxicity as possible.

    The second step is to get yourself involved with hobbies or a job or whatever that forces you out of bed and into the real world. Try running around the neighborhood for awhile, join a Yoga class or a gym, get active. Getting active is the second step to curing depression.

    Third, stop blaming BPD. You’ll just use it as an excuse for the rest of your life and we both know that is toxic. So, do what you can to take your mind off at by getting out and getting healthy. Look at things from a 3rd point perspective. Ask yourself if it makes sense to be thinking this way. If you’re lying in bed for 16 hours, then yea you’re going to feel shitty lol. So get your ass up!

  49. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I would say the best thing to do is avoid living together and to try to encourage your ex to get involved in more activities than just work. Men in work aren’t really advancing their lives at all. They need to be doing more. Another idea is to both get a gym pass and start working out together. You’ll both be getting healthier together and that’s always a good thing :)

  50. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I’m not sure. But don’t let BPD haunt you. I see this happen WAY too much. You’re worried about marriage but don’t forget that around 80% of marriages are failed. Only around 60% actually get divorced, but another 20% or so aren’t happy and living together anyways. All you really need is to find yourself a real man. They’re incredibly rare I know but they’re out there. Avoid the chumpy dudes because you’ll just continue to break their hearts :)

  51. Gem

    May 26, 2012

    I suffer from BPD and am stupidly in a relationship with a male suffering from BPD. It’s hard.
    What i can say is directly seeing someone suffer like you do, act irrationally and in manipulative ways just to keep you around. Well, it helps you see what is wrong inside yourself. I read a book “the bpd survival guide” which helped me get a grip on myself, so to speak. But living with someone who refuses to help their own situation is exhausting, devastating. he sets off my irrational behaviors with his own more than any other stresses in my life.
    All i can say is as far as BPD relationships go.. Don’t. Not if the person isnt actively trying to fix themselves. They’ll take you down with them.
    we’re so codependant on eachother that i dont know if ill ever even allow myself to leave.

  52. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Well it’s like what I say: you attract what you project. I’m of the belief that men don’t really have BPD – it’s more along the lines of psychotic. They literally just don’t have normal feelings. Everything they do is a game designed to manipulate you into doing something. I know guys like this and they’re a handful.

    The problem I see here however is that you just believe you’re doomed. Wtf is up with that? You’re basically accepting defeat due to this supposed ‘illness’ which isn’t genetic at all? So you’ve accepted the fact that ‘Oh I have BPD life is over’. That’s silly. And then you bring up codependency as well. Wow. Well, seeing how both can be solved through a change in mindsets, behaviors and actions, you really need to give yourself more credit. First step is leaving this god awful relationship. If you can’t do that, then no one can help you not even that crappy bpd survival guide (yes I’ve read it).

  53. Frustrated BF

    May 26, 2012

    Hi Rick, everyone else:

    I came across this blog post while searching for solutions in dealing with a 44 y.o long term g/f that blatantly refuses to communicate her feelings. Her reasoning, she doesn’t want to burden me with her problems, however, her inability to deal with more than one issue at a time ultimately burdens us in the long-run. She rarely opens up about her feelings, even if she suspects something is happening (even if not true), her reasoning is; you should already know what you’re doing to her and correct the problem!
    I came across Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms a few years ago while searching the net for similar situations to mine. I wholeheartedly believe my s/o suffers from BPD, however, she rejected my research and observations and will not admit to having any personality issues beyond her failure (refusal) to communicate. She denies that anything traumatic ever happened to her growing up. She constantly tries to pass off her erratic behavior as normal, and everyone else with the problem. Her idiosyncrasies are passed off as normalcy.
    Long story short – we met five years ago while she was still married, carried an on/off relationship during that time, and finally moved in together shortly before her divorce (2 months). I moved in with her (non-marital rented home), and everything seemed absolutely perfect for the first two months! We talked, we planned, we began to act like a family with her two daughters (9 & 10) and my twin boys (13 y.o.’s). However, soon after, I discovered she never ever told her husband about our relationship! Understandably, he was very upset to learn that his daughters were cohabitating with a strange man and did whatever he could to prevent us from behaving like a family. All of sudden, the girls weren’t allowed to interact with us very much. At the same time, I noticed my S/O’s behavior changed rapidly; seemingly insignificant issues became major obstacles and she even questioned whether she wanted to be with me. Fights ensued, threats to “get out of my house” followed. Extremely frustrated, I began to make arrangements to move back out. By this time I’d given up everything (most of my household possessions) to move in with her. Subsequently, once she discovered I was moving out, she pleaded to work on things and even suggested counseling. I stayed, lost my earnest money, and soon after, the mountains out of mole-hills began popping up again. The lease eventually ended, and I moved out on my own again.
    I explained to her that my livelihood is very important to me and I cannot have it jeopardized over insignificant events. Fast-forward; six months later, we live in separate homes, living separate lives. I think she understands now that her over-reactions resulting in domestic hostility will not be tolerated by me. The funny part, since I moved out, there has been ZERO unsolvable issues brought up. I think she realizes that all I have to do is go home, or leave her place and it’s over. Before, when she had flare ups, I could do nothing but be miserable. Some of her symptoms that I have identified include:
    • Extreme mood swings,
    • Extreme highs and lows,
    • Feels personally betrayed and violated by others mistakes,
    • Makes the smallest issues into the biggest problems
    • Zero long-term trust
    • Always guilty until overwhelmingly proven innocent
    • Not swayed by facts
    • Only swayed by feelings
    • Turns feelings into facts
    • Adamant that conspiracies are underway to date other people
    • No one is loyal to her, (even though I waited five years to be with her)
    I am very frustrated and very angry after investing five years of my life into this relationship and having absolutely nothing to show for it. We still hang out, sometimes it’s good, however when its not, I do not come around. I have to specifically ask her for things that a normal 5 year relationship couple would do anyway. At the time I moved out, I lost my job and struggled desperately while finishing my last year of law school. She never offered to help, never asked if I was okay, and when I did specifically ask for help, it was usually a one-of situation without any follow up.
    Half of me wants to cut my losses and move on, the other half feels so vested after losing five years of my life in my thirties (she’s 8 years older than me) that I feel like I have to make it work! She’s the only women my boys have seen me with besides their mother, however their relationship is not overly great. Their mom is basically dying of stage 4 cancer and my S/O has not even once communicated about her condition. I often find myself reminding her about my needs, and I’m very frustrated because of it. Quite frankly, my needs aren’t being met and I have communicated this to her, however nothing changes.
    In conclusion, your article spoke about making it work with a BPD S/O, however, my question is, why? If the person refuses to acknowledge their issues, how likely is it that they’ll change? Especially if there is no marriage, kids, or anything else together, should one continue? My parents have been married for 43 years and I would really like to have what they have however, I know it comes from hard work, but I feel like the burden is all on me. I don’t want to be with someone who does not match my effort.

  54. tyler

    May 26, 2012

    Hi rick,

    Sorry for the long paragraph but you seem to have the best knowledge of bpd on the net and was really hoping ti get ur advice….
    Ive been with my gf about 8 months now and we hardly ever argue. We had an argument the other day because i thought she was being disrepectful etc (i think i was abit harsh and over reacted to an extent). She then came out with the fact she thinks she cant be in a relationship at the moment, i really didnt see it coming.

    Because i really like her i obviously did what i now know i shouldnt have done, and said how much i like her etc and how we should work it out etc and she agreed to it. I then asked her like 2 days after how she felt about it all and she said she feels the same but we agreed to try work it out but she put alot of enphasis on that she needed space.

    Ive laid back from her about 40% but i still text her but ive seen some advice that i should just ignore her until she comes to me. She seems kind of distant still and I dont know what to do. She also said to me that she thinks she has BPD and it would make sense as she had a messed up relationship with her family splitting up.

    I think I have become a little soft with her and do say alot of shit to her being open about my feelings but im considering ignoring her till she comes to me but im afraid she wont, plus I cant just do it out of the blue.

    What are your thoughts?

  55. Shawn

    May 26, 2012

    Please anyone help. I have been with my partner for 3 years and then all the sudden this hit out of nowhere. I had to have her arrested and am currently getting the churches help in getting her to a safe place to get a handle on this. I love her so much but I’m not sure if I can handle this. At this point my only thought is to get her the help she needs and to be a good friend and support. It is still in the back of my mind being with her for the rest of my life. Can someone with
    BDP have a lasting relationship? She has lost most of her family but has my support along with lots of friends. Will I ever get my Steph back?

  56. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Uh this is probably much more than BPD lol. Having her arrested probably means she has other issues that need dealing with…

  57. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Well first you want to drop the moral high horse here and get this relationship back on track. The way you do that is through honesty and space. So basically tell her how you feel followed by ‘so let’s take a break for a little bit and if you want to get back together, let me know.’ and leave it at that. It shows her that you care about her but you also don’t need her.

  58. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    At this point with this much on your mind, you probably should move on. At least let her know that you’re going to leave her if she doesn’t start communicating with you. She’ll get back and throw a fit, but keep your back bone and actually leave her. Give it a week and let me know what happens.

  59. Becky

    May 26, 2012

    Hey (apologies in advance for the essay )

    I’ve been in a relationship with my BPD bf for just over a year now (I’m 26 and my bf, 31) about 6 months into our relationship he was prescribed medication to help him sleep and dull down his hypersensitive reactions to things but is still waiting for therapy… well I can honestly say I’ve never felt so physically and emotionally drained in all my life! I love him dearly and I believe he loves me. Everyone that knows us (Family, friends etc ) think I’m a complete idiot for staying with him and taking all the abuse, but I just cant leave him….
    At the very start he would just exaggerate experiences and past relationships to build himself up, even if they sounded totally unrealistic. He had been receiving some therapy in prison but was still undiagnosed (I didn’t know him till after he was released) Not even a month into our relationship he started to go off the rails badly. He has a very bad ‘flick of a switch’ temper – he’s never physically hurt me but has threatened to on a few occasions (and If he ever did, I would have no doubts in ending the relationship) Its as if all his insecurity’s just came flooding back and being in a relationship with me triggered it. I’ve hadn’t done anything to hurt him or for him to mistrust me… but he has a long list of bad relationships and said that he finds it hard to trust, which is understandable. I can just about deal with that, in fact It made me more determined to prove I’m in this for the long haul and that he can trust me, but at what cost?
    I’m not clingy… but stupidly I adore him and have done so much for him to help him get his life back on track, yet he would disagree – and that I’ve done nothing for him, I never make him feel loved and I’ve just been a burden on his perfect life. I feel sick where its such a slap in the face.
    When he’s not angry or hyper affectionate he’s totally emotionless, is very spiteful, lies, has no sex drive yet he’s chatted up, flirted and sex texted other women and makes out that he’s a total love god! He has no history of sexual abuse, but he just feels that sex is unnecessary in a relationship and hugging should be enough… Whenever I brooch the topic even in a diplomatic way I’m accused of being a sex pest. He says he’s attracted to me and the times we have made love its been great! He just says its not necessary and then rants on about getting 2 single beds instead of our double…
    Has anyone else had this experience before with a BPD partner? I’ve read a lot about peoples BPD partners having high sex drives but none with low ones…
    Anything I do is just never enough and at times I do admittedly bite back, but only in defence to his ridiculousness. But sticking up for myself only seems to add fuel to the fire. Everything always seems to be my fault, he cannot accept truth or responsibility even after being caught red handed. I have given into unreasonable arguments, apologized when I’ve done nothing. Forgiven him for things, the only consequence being me getting hurt and crying my heart out yet again… and yet I’m always being punished for whatever ‘issue’ he has with me, whether it actually exists or not. He can see I’m suffering badly, but doesn’t seem to give a shit about how I feel and he cant see any reason why I would be so upset. Sometimes I think I see tiny flickers of guilt over his behaviour, but I really don’t know. I like to think that fact he’s getting help at my request means there’s hope for us yet. I truly love him with all my heart and would of loved to one day get married and start a family but I’m scared to even think about it now. I’m not stupid enough to think his behaviour wouldn’t effect our children. Saying that I don’t truly know where I stand with him or even if he can get better. I’ve tried to leave a few times, but each time its been me that’s made the first move to us getting back together or making up. After every argument I’ve been the one to smooth things over even though I know non of it was my fault. Its always me trying to comfort him, but I’m the one hurting and needed comforting. I know I deserve much better and can do much better and I almost make my mind up to leave for good, but then he pulls me back in with his sweet, fun, loving, affectionate side and it reminds me of why I love him and of all the good times together. I’m really stuck with what to do, I know the longer this goes on the harder and more painful it will be for the both of us. Do I get out now? or stay to see if things can be worked out?… I really don’t know :(

  60. travis

    May 26, 2012

    Hi Rick,

    I have been fortunate that I only had the pleasure of dating one women with BPD. Not knowing what this emotional roller coaster was I only learned after the fact. I did not engage or take advantage of her advances (most men would) . Partly because it was a co-worker and felt she may use sex to control me. Also that it was a turn off as a woman like this usually will end up cheating on you. Even at the beginning I said I have your best intention and instead she insulted me because I did not want to sleep with her on the first date. Anyway I wanted to say I agree with your comments and articles you have posted on this topic. Your right about me in that I see myself as a mild co-dependent. Anyway some time has passed and have projected a better image of myself. I am happy being me and see the glass always half full. I am more a man today then before that bpd rollercoaster. I’m better for the experience and wish the next woman I meet and fall for is emotionally stable.

  61. Ann

    May 26, 2012

    i have recently realized that i have bpd. unfortunately, it took my bf of the last 2.5 years and father of my almost one year son leaving me in the middle of the night after a terrible argument over a good night kiss. before i got pregnant, we had a near perfect relationship. i did have some insecurity issues, but had been cheated on while married and for the most part he was understanding and patient. we were living together and planning for our future when we found out i was pregnant. it was completely unexpected and he was terrified. he never wanted to have any children of his own, though he was fine with the three i had when i was married. i was on the pill, so it was a pretty big surprise for me too. he wanted me to have an abortion and i couldn’t do it. he withdrew all intimacy, emotionally and physically. i was a wreck. we fought constantly and horrendously. he took three months to decide if he was even going to stick around. prior to this, our relationship was the absolute best i’ve ever experienced. i had plenty of bad reactions….the physical rejection shattered whatever bit of self confidence i had managed to keep and the emotional rejection made me desperate. everything i did or said pushed him further away from me. sometimes he would get so angry he would leave, but he always came back. he finally committed to staying with me til the baby was born and giving things a year to improve after that. he started traveling for work around the same time, which caused me to cycle even further into crazy…..i accused him of cheating on me all the time and was worse than angry cat with her claws out. i was glad for the chance to work things out, but couldn’t control my neverending insecurities. most of the arguments were prompted by me, clawing for a glimpse of the love we had before i was pregnant. we had the baby and my bf was instantly and utterly in love with him. he had been an amazing day since day one. however, he remained emotionally distant. i was hoping he would have an epiphany once our son was born, realize how much he had ‘hurt me’, and want to make it up to me. i worked hard to lose weight and always took care of my appearance….but there was no spark, no intimacy, and we started fighting about sex and everything else. i kept dredging up the past. we eventually started trying, but it was awkward and infrequent. we cycled through awful fights. i was dying for reassurance and the more i sought it the more i pushed him away. i became paralyzed with rejection. i went to counseling, and it helped some….but by then the emotional roller coaster had infected other parts of my life. i constantly felt unattractive, unwanted, and i kept expecting him to reach out to me and make me feel better. i freaked out over each and every business trip he went on, i couldn’t focus at work and my performance suffered. we almost broke up a million times, but i kept begging him to stay and give me another chance to get my emotions under control. i lost my job. he rallied and was very supportive while i looked for a new and got back on my feet. yet i constantly picked fights and fell apart over small things…..i was ridiculously hypervigilant. sometimes it would seem like things were getting better, but then i would have a meltdown over something stupid. he started getting angrier and our fights got worse. he started leaving again, but would come back the next morning. until this last time.

    after he left last week, i did some soul searching and realized that i need to improve my self confidance and start reaching out to him make things work. i’ve been stuck in a terrible cycle. i’ve been putting everything on his shoulders. while researching ways to work on that, i discovered bpd. when things are really bad, i self harm, feel suicidal, blame myself for everything….he calls me names and i start to agree….this seems to make him even angrier…..i think i’ve destroyed any respect he ever had for me with me outrageous emotional behavior.

    when we talked this round, i begged him to stay and give me one more chance now that i see what i’ve been doing to create the problems we’ve been having. he said he’s empty and just can’t do it. reluctantly, he’s agreed to ‘stay together’ for the next month and discuss coming home at the end of it…..but only if i can show him that i’m working on my problems and making progress. he’s skeptical that i’ve realized anything that will make any difference. i feel like this is different…..but the things i’ve read online are very discouraging.

    do you think i can change enough to fix things? have we created too much toxicity and disrespect to come back? i wouldn’t have realized i needed to do this if he hadn’t stuck by me all this time….i want make up for the pain i’ve caused him and keep our family in tact. and i really think i can change, now that i can see what i’m doing and why. i know it won’t be easy, but i have so much to lose and so much more to gain….

  62. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I think you know what you need to do. The first step in everything is to always improve your own self-respect and self-confidence so you can build that trust factor back up. The problem with these relationships is that the non-BPD gets to a point where they just can’t trust anything you say anymore. So my advice is to stop saying things and instead DO things to show you’re working on change. It’s not all about changing, it’s more about showing that you’re working on improving yourself. And that’s all up to you.

  63. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    I recall a gorgeous girl I went on a 1st date with several years ago. Appearance wise, she was everything I wanted in a girl. Personality wise as well. We were at her house for a few hours, we were cuddling on the couch, we were making out. But like you, I didn’t sleep with her. And she got mad about this. We never went out again. We texted a few times, but it was clear that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. All because I didn’t close the deal.

    Now most guys, as well as myself at the time, would see that as foolish. I started to believe that if I had slept with her, we would have been together. But that just wasn’t true. Turns out she was in a break from her current bf and was rebounding with me. Now looking back, you could argue that I should have slept with her because this could have made us get together. But that’s just a dumb fantasy guys play in their heads. The reality is that even if we dated for a bit, it would have never worked out as we both moved to different areas across the country.

    So at the end of the day, I made the right decision not to sleep with her. I didn’t fulfill her needy rebounding issues. It used to eat me up for not jumping into the sack with her, but damn I’m glad I didn’t. I wasn’t a high quality man at that time so I know it wouldn’t have worked out as a positive relationship for me. But yea I do sometimes wish I slept with her. I won’t deny that.

  64. Giselle

    May 26, 2012

    Hi there

    Many self-help sites for people with Borderline partners advocate No Contact after a breakup.

    This seems to me to be very passive aggressive behaviour like silent treatment. I’ve tried it , but no texts and no emails just don’t work for me.

    How would you advocate contact with my husband and how should I frame my suggestions that he comes home so we can sort things out? He left the family home two months ago after a huge row and is lurking 40 minutes drive away in a bedsit. One excuse he gives for not coming back is that I threw him out (not true) and he never wants to be put in that position again. Another is that he’s afraid of his personal safety (he’s a black belt in karate!).

    Any advice welcome! Giselle

  65. Holli

    May 26, 2012

    You should have done a little more research on the topic before you wrote your book. A lot of your statements are correct, but you are not so educated on this disorder. Flipping the bird or responding with anything less than tranquility to a person who may have bpd is only adding fuel to the fire. That’s like shaming a cancer patient for losing their hair. Go research.

  66. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    lol? BPD is nothing more than attention whoring on an extreme level. It’s not a genetic illness therefore it’s due to upbringing and insecurity. You know how I know this? Because BPD’s quit their crazy behavior the second the realize it won’t work on me. They get very nice, very fast and they stay that way as long as they are with me.

  67. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    For me, once someone leaves I left them go like you sort of have. However, I’m not going to ignore texts or whatever unless I really don’t want them around anymore. And if we break up for good, then I won’t take them back ever because I’ll just keep ascending and out grow them like I always do.

  68. NS

    May 26, 2012

    A follow up to this, and relevant to me posting on Rick’s site: I have had to modify my OWN behaviors to be a happy cat owner. As I said, I hid the beanbag chair in the closet. I have a spray bottle of water that I hit her with a spritz every single time she jumps up on the kitchen table while I’m eating. It does NOT stop her from doing it again – it teaches her nothing – but it temporarily curbs the behavior and lets me eat in peace. Every night before I go to sleep I hide all her toys in a drawer – no available toys = nothing to fetch and wake me up with. And most importantly – when she distances herself and goes to hide under the bed for hours – I DO NOT CHASE HER OR TRY TO DRAG HER OUT just because I want to play. I leave her be. And I’m fine with all of this. Just wanted to add all of this in. Hope this helps somebody cope.

  69. NS

    May 26, 2012

    Actually Rick, guess what – I’m moving to the beach, and I’m getting RID of my cat! lol and I just went no-contact with my ex-BPD too. Working towards quality baby

  70. AH

    May 26, 2012

    I just bought and read your book after coming to the realization my ex is a borderliner too, I never realized until now a few weeks after our definitive break up after almost having been together for almost 7 years, I mean I always knew she was very insecure and could have these angry spells and be very unreasonable at times but I never figured her to be a borderliner (although I often said her sister was and I got the saner sister, but it’s really much harder to tell when you are in a relationship).

    I read the tips and thought great tips, then I remembered: that used to be me, I used to be like that but in time you can’t help yourself deeply loving someone and it gets harder and harder to walk away, especially when after 5 years we got an apartment together and with a baby on the way (she is more of a waif type borderliner, very loyal, our daughter is also a spitting image of me when I was her age).

    Once I let my guard down, I gradually without really noticing lost complete control to her, she managed to suck out my pride, self esteem and respect but I still want her back. I now know again what to be like but have no idea how to get to her without being weak again

  71. brett

    May 26, 2012

    i have narcissistic personality disorder and have been off and on with my bpd wife for 9 years we just are magnets attracking eachother . we are both aware of are conditions now . have u read the npd/bpd couple ? but my wife respects me but only because im passive aggressive . i have hurt her just as much as she has hurt me .

  72. LL

    May 26, 2012

    Does your book and CD work on the opposite sex? My partner is a male suffering with BPD and I am a co-dependent girlfriend.

  73. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    It’s more geared towards women with BPD as I am a guy, but I do help women. Some women tend to not like my coaching style however so keep that in mind. Men are a difficult case :)

  74. Cecily

    May 26, 2012

    This must be a typo “raping” should be “raging” right?

    “…sexual advances, raping, extreme”

  75. Rick

    May 26, 2012

    Oh yes good find! Lol don’t want to give people the wrong meaning…

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