Can BPD Relationships Work Long-Term?

by Rick on 08/21/2014 · 90 comments

in BPD,Relationships,Self-Worth

BPD long term relationship

I used to be like you, wondering if it were ever possible to actually have a successful BPD relationship. Less drama, less hot/cold behavior, less trust issues. The usual. You’re probably wondering the same thing.

Maybe you’re dating someone with unusual behavior and it led you to learning about BPD, which eventually led you here to my website. You hear over and over again from people on the internet to avoid Borderlines, that they’re incapable of being in a long-term, healthy relationship.

Well, after many of my own personal experiences as well as coaching both men and women over the years, it is absolutely possible to make these relationships fun and enjoyable for the long-term.

They’re just a bit different from what you’re used to. Truly successful, long-term relationships are only possible when you actually know how relationships work. Almost everybody gets this wrong.

Today, I’m going to teach you the basics of what I believe makes a successful BPD relationship work.

Step #1: Learn About Yourself First

This is the first step to any sort of success in life and it’s something that you will never stop doing. As long as you’re alive, you need to make it a goal to be constantly educating yourself and learning who you are as an individual, your purpose, your passions, etc.

The more you know yourself, the more humble you’ll become thus allowing you to lose your ego, accept responsibility, and begin to move forward as a complete person capable of successful BPD relationships.

For example, you may be some sort of a Codependent if you tend to attract BPD individuals. BPD and codependency are on the same spectrum. Naturally, you’re drawn to these types of individuals. And that’s okay.

However, every single person is attracted to the type of individuals that I described above. We are all drawn to those that simply have their life together in the most attractive ways.

Why is this so important?

  • You can’t expect to have a truly open and honest relationship when you’re not truly honest with yourself.
  • You can’t expect your partner to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself.
  • You can’t expect your relationship to be fun and happy when you’re simply going with the flow since things seem to be working out at the moment.
  • You can’t expect to get what you want out of your relationship when your partner keeps calling the shots.

I could go on and on about this, but these are just the main points that popped into my head that most people suffer with. And believe me it’s not just a BPD thing – these problems exist in all kinds of relationships.

BPD relationships always start out fast and furious, full of good emotions. It’s easy to fall into when it’s what you’ve been wanting from a partner for so long.

However, you need to develop respect in relationships so that these types of emotional high’s and honeymoon periods never occur in the first place.

Trust me – I know the feeling!

The honeymoon period feels like the best, most enjoyable experience you’ve ever had with a man or a woman. I completely understand that you miss the ‘old times’ where you and your lover were having a great time with each other.

But you need to get a hold of yourself and work on keeping things realistic. Perfection is a myth.

Step #2: Learn About Your BPD Partner

My first, second, and third relationship with BPD women left me beat up, broken and down in the dirt with no closure. One moment they’re with you and the next they’re gone. It’s really quite painful to experience this over and over again.

While it’s easy to get caught in a state of depression, it’s extremely important that you accept responsibility for this and take this time to educate yourself as much as possible.

I know that you’re lost and confused, but you simply need to believe that everything happens for a reason. Use this time to learn as much as possible.

I created the BPD Relationship Success program specifically for quick learning. Or just read all of my articles.

It’s also important that you focus on learning about your partner as an individual. Don’t see him or her as someone with BPD while you do this.

There’s a reason your partner is the way they are. Everything from their parents to their experiences in school to previous relationships. All of these things factor in the way they are now, just as all of your experiences have made you who you are.

I’ve dated multiple women that have the behavior of BPD’s. But do I just go and label her as a Borderline? No way. I just look at the type of behavior I’m getting and I respond non-emotionally with the skills that I’ve developed over the years.

It’s actually quite easy for me because I have so much experience, which I pass on to you. I simply observe the behavior I’m receiving: irrationality, impulsive lying, sexual advances, raging, extreme highs and lows and plenty more.

I know exactly how to respond to all of these and it’s what I teach. BPD’s, like any human, want to be loved and cherished. It’s just hard for them. They get attached and then cold extremely quick.

They fear love and their extreme emotional instability creates the roller coaster ride from hell if you’re not prepared.

Step #3: Emotional Control

Hopefully by now, you understand that the mainstream BPD advice out there is pretty abysmal. But this is true with most mainstream advice on anything. Weight loss, weight lifting, dating, making money, etc. Most of the advice you find on anything these days is crap.

For me, I really like to focus on controlling your emotions. It’s the first thing I always teach clients about because core beliefs and attitude where everything else comes from.

If you find yourself overly attached, in love and unable to let go, read that article as it will help you get yourself under control which is very important for any success in the world.

When you have weak emotional control, you tend to lose your groundness and things spiral out of control. You become easy shaken up. This is a killer in relationships and breeds toxicity.

You become fearful of saying things, you’re always going with the flow because you don’t want to tip the boat, you’re constantly walking on egg shells ass you fear losing your partner. But true freedom comes from not fearing these things.

And the counter-intuitive result is that you actually become much more attractive when you no longer fear losing your lover. This is a really big concept I want you to understand.

It all starts with emotional control so please refer to that article I linked to above. It will help you get on the right track if your thoughts are out of control.

Step #4: Don’t Go With The Flow

A lot of men have this problem once relationships get underway. While some women will point this out to you, BPD women on the other hand would rather grow cold and curl away because they’re insecure. Or they’ll nag you and get mad at you for very basic things.

The attraction dies out and they would rather just cut contact with you than to tell you what’s going on. Or a fresh, new person came along and rather confront you like a confident, secure individual would, they think it’s easier for them to cut contact and ignore.

So what makes a man or a woman lose interest in you?

  • Easily predictable
  • You go with the flow
  • You’re boring
  • You’re logical
  • You never call the shots
  • Your life revolves around pleasing your partner
  • You’re no longer a mystery

All of these ingredients add up into one thing: unattractiveness. When you’ve simply lost your attractiveness to your partner, say good bye to the relationship.

You want a BPD relationship to last for the long haul? Then do everything in your power to NOT become any of those above

If you’re a man, you need to understand that you’re going to be tested hard for weakness. Your woman wants to see if you’ve become soft, predictable and boring. Most men fail these tests because they’re trying to prove their love in a logical way. You say what you think your woman wants to hear and it backfires because you failed the test.

Well, with BPD women they will test you much more than your normal woman will. This is because BPD’s have been hurt a lot in the past. They naturally test much more and much harder than other women because they have more fear.

The testing will never stop. Even into marriage you will be getting test after test. It’s important that you understand this as it’s your responsibility to never lose focus on yourself and who you are. Don’t start changing yourself because of some crazy words you hear.

As a man, it’s important to be a leader. Don’t let your girlfriend or wife start calling the shots all the time. It’s a test to see if you’ve got your manhood intact. They want you to boss them around.

If you’re a woman dating a BPD male, then work on being independent. Don’t let yourself be dragged around by this man. He’s simply not ready for commitment and it’s not your responsibility to get him there. He’s the man. Support him but don’t let his actions control you.

Conclusion

So what have you learned today? Hopefully it’s that you can have healthy, long-term relationships with a BPD. When you have the knowledge and the skills needed to succeed, these relationships are just as fun and easy as any other relationship.

I recommend that you become a member of the Reignite The Fire Community where I’ll personally assist you with anything that you ask of me.

All the confusion and painful feelings you have is because you don’t know what to do. When you know what to do, it’s easy to identify the problem and come up with a solution. It’s why I haven’t experienced any heartache in years.

Sometimes I get pissed off at women, but it’s never this painful, depressive feeling that eats at your soul. How can you expect to have a successful relationship when you’re just going with the flow, fearing the worst because you don’t know what to do?

You’ll eventually learn everything through your own experience, but that could take years. Or you’ll never learn which is the case with a lot of people.

What experiences do you have with dating a BPD inthe long-term? Please share your stories below :)

{ 90 comments… read them below or add one }

alex harrington May 28, 2012 at 9:52 am

i currently was dumped by my BPD girlfriend but have fallen completely head over heals for her so im going to get her back but my one main question is what can i do to achieve this as my goal

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Rick July 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I wrote a book that’s all about having a successful BPD relationship. Have you checked it out yet? I also have a lot of articles on these relationships. Set boundaries, demand respect, personal growth, etc. are good starting points.

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Steve September 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I don’t know if your relationship will work. I have dated a borderline and it didn’t work. Even when I set boundaries, stood up for myself, and demanded respect. The boundaries were constantly tested and the only thing left to do was end the relationship. There was also violence and emotional abuse from her which isn’t cool. What do you do then Rick? You love the woman, but she doesn’t know how to love herself. I know you say take care of yourself, but I already was and she was not. I also grew tired of her bullshit and the constant rollercoasters. Guess I was just looking for a more stable relationship.

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Rick September 7, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Yep, at the end of the day you really have got to decide if this is what you want or not. It’s all about YOUR feelings which you realize so more props to you man. Personally, we don’t fight much anymore and there’s not much craziness. You have to establish boundaries early on or else you’re doomed.

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Susie September 7, 2012 at 7:29 am

“It’s actually been awhile for me since I’ve had a big outbreak with my girl. She respects me and knows that I could leave at any given moment and am willing to break up with her if she gets super crazy. That is powerful stuff.”

What if the girlfriend (in this situation I’m the crazy-BPD girlfriend) thinks her boyfriend (of 4 years!) will leave her/break up with her when she has a bpd episode? Usually my anger/destructive behavior appears during a fight with my boyfriend which I completely feel like it’s the end of the world and convince myself (most unflatteringly) that he will leave me. By the way, he DOESN’T want to leave me (he’s know about my issues since day one). I also can’t fathom my boyfriend not coming and helping me when I get in these moods. If left alone (as you suggest to just walk away if the bpd-er says something to start a fight/crazy-bitch moment) my bpd-ness grows and grows until I am almost inconsolable and can only think of death/self harm. I can’t trust myself and I need my boyfriend with me at those times. Do you still feel like he shouldn’t be there? He should just walk away? I can’t handle my emotions and it seems counterproductive for him to walk away. Even if I am telling him he hates me and he should just leave etc etc. If he were to leave during those kinds of fights I would take it to reeeally mean he doesn’t care and has given up and I am unworthy of any kind of compassion/love.

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Rick September 7, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Hey Susie, what I suggest is that people should only leave when their partner becomes unreasonable and very crazy. Sure my girlfriend says stuff like ‘you hate me’ which seems to be almost daily, I don’t even let it get to me. In fact, nothing gets to me because I UNDERSTAND what you have going on. My gf knows however not to insult me, shame me, guilt me, degrade me or whatever because if she does that, I’m not going to sit there and take it and I believe that NO ONE should take it just because she has bpd.

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Catharine February 23, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I understand Susie. When I’m in a state of dysphoria all I really need is to be held and told it’s all going to be okay, that he loves me, and that we’re in it together. Silent treatment and “tough love” don’t work, if that’s what I’m experience, and only lead to a spiral of despair and suicidal thoughts. I think those tactics can contribute to building loneliness in the relationship and, even worse, resentment. Of course, no one should just sacrifice themselves for someone else’s storms. It’s just a little, “Hey, I love you, it’s okay. We can work this out when you feel better” and a good hug help can work wonders to defuse a bad situation fast.

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Rick March 3, 2013 at 9:21 am

I love this response, good stuff. That’s what a real man would say :) Ignoring is passive-aggressive and definitely NOT what I teach here.

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CARL September 27, 2012 at 10:46 am

My BPD girlfriend of 9 months has done everything from verbal abuse to physical abuse. She has not cheated though. I left her every time she acted like this, sometimes I didn’t contact her for days because I will not tolerate it yet when I returned after she promised she wouldn’t do it again, nothing changed. I haven’t spoken to her in the last week and she is constantly phoning and sending texts apologising. She has been to see a doctor and she is been sent to get tested for BPD and treatment. I want to return but I fear she will betray me as her moods are escalating. I know how to handle her behaviour but betrayal would hurt too much because I love this woman… I have arrived at that moment, to decide if I want to continue…

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Rick October 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I talked to Carl over email and I just wanted to point out here that his woman is beyond BPD, she sounds almost psychopath to me with probably HPD, NPD, bipolar and everything else under the sun. Carl is handling the situation correctly however. He shouldn’t ever take any abuse and neither should you. If you sit on the bed and passively let a girl rip into you, reject you, insult you etc. you’re a wimp and you don’t deserve any girl.

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cameron March 19, 2013 at 5:28 pm

Hello again Rick,if you notice today I have spent an insane amount of time looking for answers,not answers for her but surprisingly answers for myself,I’m not unreasonable and my need to figure this out is for me,the anger I felt and the rage I went through was absolutley hell,Ive never been through this much bedlam and not had a clue how to fix it,some background here I’m 44 years old she is 41,she was raped at an early age and while trying to help her cope, I had a terrible like movie in slow motion memory come back to me I was baby sat everyday from the age of 2-5 and I remembered the 3 teenage girls that watched me raped me repetedly at that age ,you talk about destroyed,hurt ,mad all of it see they would play with my little guy then pee on my face forcing me to use my tougue to get air,so ya I know the pain she felt (I had blocked it all out) and what she had in her heart from so long ago,ok moving on, her mother still denying it ever happened and saying to her”it’s the womans place to make your man want to come home”blew me away”,I always thought that if your relationship is strong you would want to go home to her and vise versa.
anyway,her mother got sick and she started in about why can’t she see what she has done to me?and after 2 hours of taking my Libra diplomacy to it’s breaking point I simply said,Angel Eyes (pet name)do you love your mother? she said yes crying,I said girl,let it go,she is from a very different world than our generation,she cant go back,just tell her mom it’s ok,she started but,but,I said honey you love her and she has been reaching out to you lately,let her have some piece and give her your absolution by saying “it’s ok mom”.
She went to see her mom I did not go,funny Ive never been to her parents home in 3.5 years,but any way she did it,came back and cried on my shoulder thanking me,it’s was nice to really be there for her,1 month later,she started hanging around my ex and I think it was because if she was with her she knew I would not be,at any rate I took my son back to ex place and they pulled up and she got out got right in my face and started screaming and close fist hit me once then slapped me twice,I’m 6foot 4 inches 230 lbs,and I was pissed I went toward her stopped and went over to the car she was driving which is owned by a guy she had a fling with told she would marry then dummped him,any way my anger after 2 years of not doing anything caused me to remove the fender right off the car with my foot,and then I stopped got back in car and left.
She had been beaten by a former boyfriend of 5 years and died for 4 minutes from it,I would never hit a woman but that was I felt her attemp to get me to hit her to have a reason to be pissed at me to make me as low as she felt and to prove I’m just like the rest.I dont know it was my guess at the time.
I am ashamed of the damage to the car,I guess that was the end of my mental disaplin,she is such a beautiful intellegent woman and it’s is such a tragety that no one can hold her up and show the world just how proud she can be to feel the love of a man that simply wants her to accept the love I freely offer,I’m passed thinking I can help.
Last I said to her was:” I’m wanting what I do deserve and thats respect”,I will not contact you anymore If you can repect me and yourself when at least with me and understand that I have never let you down in 3 years and have not waiverd then perhaps just maybe I’ am not going to abandon you,I did not come 3.5 years to give up,but it’s ur turn to show me you care enough about yourself to try,not for me but for you.
she then was diagnosed with PTSD,and from what I have read through in the last 12 hours about BPD seems identical to 80% percent of her behavior,I do wish thangs were different,If I had known then what I know now,I could have brought out maybe just a little of that woman inside I could always see in her and been the man she needed me to be.
Cameron
PS I remembered the name of the teenage girls looked them up went to their address now and they were all sick old, wheelchair and oxygen tanks,I just pulled away and thought i don’t need anything from them,they have nothing for me.

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Rick March 24, 2013 at 1:45 pm

You really need to put yourself first before anyone else. This is something most people forget. When you put yourself and your needs and your wants and desires before anything else, you’re not going to get sucked into a bad situation regardless whether she has BPD or not. It’s simply not going to manifest around you.

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cintia October 8, 2012 at 10:51 pm

So I recently learned that I have bpd and it puts so many things in perspective. I was in a few terrible relationships and honestly had absolutely no idea why. I was the full fledged roller coaster ride of emotional death and disturbance. I’ve since educated myself on the disorder and go to therapy. I’m not stable yet but I can now catch myself starting to overreact and try to talk myself out of it. I completely agree with you, Rick. Boundaries and standing up for yourself if you’re the boyfriend is crucial. We need to know that our behavior tho involuntary, does not come without consequences. But if the woman isn’t aware of her condition and is not actively working towards getting better, well, I can see it being nearly impossible to maintain

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Rick October 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Exactly – if the girl isn’t aware of her condition or is in denial, it will be one hell of a roller coaster. However, I truly believe a strong dude that isn’t affected by these crazy making behaviors is still able to have a solid relationship with a BPD. The only guys that seem to be affected by these relationships are the pushover, desperate for intimacy types which happen to make up most of the male population.

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cintia October 8, 2012 at 11:05 pm

anything long term and seemingly healthy. The testing does become less sabotage like but will probably never go away. I used it to get rid of my boyfriend because I knew (false) he would leave anyway. Now I spare men the headache if getting involved with me until I’m at a place where I can handle a relationship. It’s a rocky road but achievable.

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Rick October 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Yea for sure. I thoroughly enjoy women that have BPD because they have lived such interesting, usually intense lives. It’s really mind blowing when you get them to open up. Unfortunately, 99% of guys end up getting that ‘Omg this girl needs a man like me to rescue her’ mentality even if they don’t know it and that’s when shit hits the fan :P

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sarah October 29, 2012 at 9:35 am

i have bpd myself and i am in therapy,would be happy to answer any questions anyone might have.I have known for a year i had bpd,and my behaviour has improved lots since then even though i feel terrible inside sometimes.I spent 6 months on my own getting my life together and i have been seeing someone for 2.5months now.I was very clingy in the beginning as when he didnt see me for 3-4 days i would feel like he didnt like me,i would whinge a bit about it.i have been honest about my bpd and he knows i attend therapy weekly,im taking it one day at a time. I feel i want a healthy relationship with equal amounts of give and take and im even starting to feel good when i get to spend time on my own when were apart. What i am struggling with right now is the feeling of suffocation when he stays the weekend and i think its because im scared he will leave and ill be left with a broken heart because hes been in my life so frequently,also maybe ive got used to being alone and clearing up my last exs messes and now its calm and quiet and i just dont know how to handle calm and quiet without feeling bored and agitated. For the most part though im doing fantastically and im so proud of my developing ability to ride out the bad patches and build a relationship with my new bf slowly and without drama,i will get there im sure.Not all bpders are going to go out of their way to cause drama,some of us know we are sick and want to make others happy and dont want to inflict our illness on others….this site is lovely because it shows not everyone thinks we are monsters lol

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Rick November 7, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Hey thanks for the comment. No, BPDs aren’t monsters. They just lack a lot of what us normal folk got. But then a lot of normal folk end up with these crazy emotional attachment issues. So there’s really no middle ground lol. My advice to BPD’s is always the same – learn to think positive and learn to be comfortable with yourself, learn to be happy alone. That’s key to life happiness. If you can live life without needing love from anyone else, you’ve reached the pinnacle of success. Do you think Tony Stark depends on women for happiness? Hell no. It’s not really narcissistic thinking. It’s simply becoming 100% comfortable with who you are. If you are not comfortable with yourself, then do what you can to get there. Get off your butt, get out in the world, get some hobbies, make friends, stay away from alcohol if you’re a BPD :)

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Shawn August 25, 2013 at 7:43 pm

Please anyone help. I have been with my partner for 3 years and then all the sudden this hit out of nowhere. I had to have her arrested and am currently getting the churches help in getting her to a safe place to get a handle on this. I love her so much but I’m not sure if I can handle this. At this point my only thought is to get her the help she needs and to be a good friend and support. It is still in the back of my mind being with her for the rest of my life. Can someone with
BDP have a lasting relationship? She has lost most of her family but has my support along with lots of friends. Will I ever get my Steph back?

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Uh this is probably much more than BPD lol. Having her arrested probably means she has other issues that need dealing with…

Brandi October 11, 2014 at 6:19 pm

Sarah are u available for a conversation, my girlfriend of a year just found out she’s bpd on Friday, and iv bin dealing with it for a year already without knowing what it was, and now that we know it seems muh more harder and I’m at a place where I don’t know what to do. I love her with all my heart but I don’t know how to get through this

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Rick October 14, 2014 at 12:40 pm

What is there exactly to ‘get through?’ And why is it hard? I have programs and articles all over this website that should make it really easy. Just change the way you think about things, read my articles, get my programs if you want and you shouldn’t have any trouble. These relationships aren’t difficult to be in when you educate yourself in the correct manner (which means avoiding all the other sites online since they’re all negative).

George October 17, 2012 at 7:43 am

I have recently left my wife and have met a lovely girl who recently told me that she suffers from BPD. Our relationship started just as I was about to leave my wife with whom I have a young child with. I have since moved in with my girlfriend and we have been together for nearly 6 months now.

My wife and I remain on good terms and although I am happy with my new girlfriend, she is getting increasingly jealous of my ex. She is trying to stop me from seeing her but I have to as I go and see or collect my daughter every day. I tell my girlfriend that I left my wife because I didnt love her but this doesnt help, she still keeps getting anry and phoning me etc when Im with my daughter/ex which then upsets my ex.

I havent introduced my girlfriend to my young daughter as my ex doesnt want this to happen due to my girlfriends issues and the fact that she see’s her as ‘the other woman’ and Im beginning to agree that it may not be the best thing to do either as my girlfriend is getting quite aggresive. Do you have any advice on this? Do you think I should introduce them even though my ex is against this? Is my girlfriend likely to be nasty in front of my daughter as she is turning into a different person now.

Thank you

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Paul October 20, 2012 at 9:41 am

Rick,

Great stuff, somehow I met a woman in college, and little did I know she has been triangulating/seducing me with her husband, boyfriends et al. for 30 years.

Finally when I we were both “single” I decided to see what this woman was all about. Turns out she has many BPD signs/symptoms. I agree completely with your insight in to the pluses of dating a woman like this.

I have been seeing a therapist about dealing with her, and their techniques didn’t work. I see the logic in your approach. I am and have been the emotional rock you talk about, but I didn’t have the technique of just leaving. Everything they teach in therapy is “talk”… but actions speak louder than words.

I am about to meet her again after a “break” by me, she wants to “talk”. I have used your technique of lowing my investment, and availability. I was wondering if you had any more insight or ideas of how to establish respect? Would you recommend I lay out the foundation here, tell her what is going to happen? Or just go and listen to her, and then if I run into the crazymaking just act…? or….

Thanks again, great stuff!

Paul.

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Rick November 7, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Ha, therapists don’t know shit about BPD mainly because they’re BPD’s themselves usually. Actions always speak louder than words. This is what I would do if I were you: I would meet up with her and then I would say ‘So talk…’ and then sit there and wait for her to talk. She’ll probably want you to talk, but all you gotta do is say ‘You said you wanted to meet up and talk, so talk.’ And keep that going. If she gets frustrated and leaves, don’t say anything and let her go. Enjoy your meal. If she texts you or anything, stick to the plan. Tell her you’re still waiting for her ‘to talk’. Keep doing that until she spills her guts ;)

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Anonymous December 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Hey Rick,

Just wanted to write. Great website. I’m actually planning on writing an e-book on relationships with BPD males. The topics a little more complex being that most of them have traits of NPD as well but I agree that RESPECT is the highest form of love in these roller coaster relationships. They cannot love you if they don’t respect you!!!! My BPD showed his ass on numerous occasions but he always came back because I demanded respect for myself. Triangulation and Arguments I always walked out on. Just took myself off the roller coaster. I happened to be reading a book called the “Art of Seduction” and in many ways it saved my life. It helped me to understand that we all have seductive power and we all have to learn how to use it. It’s an essential survival skill.

I eventually ended up dumping mine and never looked back because the narcissism, neediness and entitlement were off the charts. Unfortunately mine lives on a few feet away so I see him damn near every day. Of course he looks like shit and I know like I know like I know that he misses me as much as I miss him. There are days when I want to turn back the hands of time but for the most part I say move the fuck forward. I could never respect someone who lacks the ability to respect themselves. Plus they can never be trusted!!!!! Even when you stand your ground they violate trust just because of their weak sense of selves and their incessant insecurities. I learned how to have better boundaries for myself but they simply don’t have any boundaries of their own.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and they are not God’s gift from heaven. Yes they can be interesting, fun, risky, and awesome in the bedroom but they are emotionally undercooked. For me that will always undermine the entire relationship.

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Rick December 7, 2012 at 1:39 am

Too each their own. I’ve been dating my BPD girlfriend for over a year now and we haven’t had any issues for a long time. I do have a lot of previous experience however and a lot of bad relationships and crazy experiences and broken hearts. I’ve learned a lot to get to where I am. Now I don’t know much about dating BPD males but I agree that they must be rough since males naturally are more domineering in relationships and the leaders. I do get plenty of women coming to me for help, but it is much harder simply because I don’t have the experience of dating BPD men. But I believe that they can work out if you learn to not let them walk all over you.

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Freddie January 8, 2013 at 12:18 am

Hi Rick,

Did any of your gals ever felt like she wasnt happy anymore? That she needed time to “think” about you two?

Ive been dating this diagnosed BPD for more than 7 months now. We had our ups and down. She warned me about BPD, I informed myself alot and decided I wanted to keep going. I was and am ok with the “roller coaster” as long as she keeps the connection is my rule.

We passed christmas and new year’s eve time together and we generally had good times but we had couple of downs where she needed her “space”

Then when I moved back home after those 12 days together, she really wants her space, and says shes not happy with relationship etc…

I feel we have much more to share, but I wanted to see, could it be one of her downs? One of those hate phase? Did it ever happen to you that your girl was not happy in the relationship?

We had really good times, yes at the beginning during the “honeymoon” phase, but even since stuff have more rollercoaster-like we, or i?, almost found ourselves back together and been able to be happy and all

So ya deep within me im saying that shes down amd we’ll work things out

But perhaps really she isnt happy in this relationship and BPD has nothing to do with it?

Id love to exchange some mails if possiblr

Thanks in advance for any inputs :(

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Rick January 9, 2013 at 2:29 am

Hey Freddie,

Yea I can totally relate man. BPD’s tend to be very up and down. It’s just how the relationship is. My advice is that whenever anyone is asking for space is to give them the universe. Don’t be thinking about trying to make things happier for her or better for her. Just tell her Okie dokie and let her have her space. Most guys make the mistake of trying to fix things or make things better. This is the opposite of what you should do. Just let her have her space and don’t get sucked into her negativity. There are much deeper issues going on here and it’s probably a sign that she’s just not that into you anymore, but I could write up page after page about that. Check out my book.

- Rick

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Jessiboo January 21, 2013 at 5:05 pm

My boyfriend/fiancee (who is also the father of both my kids) has BPD ( ithink) he refused to go see a therapist. He has alot of the sypmtoms rage and verbal abuse out of no where. we have this love/hate relationship. I love him and i know he loves me but out of the 7 day week we may have 3-4 good days. We have been together for 4.5 years I dont know what to do. this is not a relationship that just happend. He started showing the signs of BPD in 2012. I love him and want to marry him and want to be a happy family but I cannot continue the verbal abuse. I have walked out plenty of times (2 week hiatas) only to come back because he says he loves and misses me…will your book help??? I know he wants to make this long term bc he proposed but i dont wanna EVER get divorced. My first marriage will be my only marriage. I dont want my kids to live in unhappiness. We do a good job of not arguing in front of kids…but the EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER is tiring…he doesnt respond to how i feel….im just at the end of the road and I dont know what to do! HELP ME!

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Rick January 23, 2013 at 4:29 pm

Because he just started showing signs tells me he’s not a BPD. He’s most likely going through a stage in his life where he isn’t happy with his current life situation. He just doesn’t know what to do. My book might help you with yourself, but it’s not going to help the relationship. Men are leaders and they run relationships. FACT. You really need to back off from him as he simply wants change in his life.

My advice to you is to not marry this guy. It’s not worth it. Marriage won’t change anything. In fact, it will make things worse. Like you said, he can only handle 3-4 days. The fact is that he’s just not excited about a relationship with you. That’s why he rages. He’s scared to leave you because he has children with you, but he’s obviously not happy right now. You can’t change anybody which is a core teaching of mine so don’t try. The only thing you can do is back off and let him figure things out. You should tell him that as well. Next time he rages, take the kids and leave and tell him that he needs to figure out his life before he gets to see the kids and you again.

Start meeting new men. It’s really the best advice I can offer. You don’t want to spend a life time chasing a man that’s not that interested in you despite what he says. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Always judge people by their behavior ie. ACTIONS.

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Pam February 5, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Hi Rick,

I have been in a relationship with my gf for 4 years going on to 5 years. I believe she BPD based on what i have read. I am at a breaking point and so sick of something always being my fault and how I have to be the one to change for things to be better between us. Throughout the relationship i have given into arguments apologized when i dont even believe i should and forgiven her for things without any consequences yet she always punishes me for whatever issue she may have with me. Recently, she cooked dinner and got mad at me for not washing the dishes and i apologized repeatedly and it was sitll not enough she said that I am just inconsiderate and that have to change. But, the truth is I am not that way and i even tell her things that i have done and she just does not acknowledge anything. She told me she did not want to see me for a week but that we can still communicate. However, she has now stopped taking my calls and text and is just ignoring me now. I believe this is bc i went out with my friends which i dont do often, instead of staying home and working on changing myself for her. I dont get how she does not see that this reaction over what happened is so extreme. Deep down inside i feel like this is what i will have to always deal with as long as im with her. I dont get why i still stay knowing this.

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Carlos February 15, 2013 at 6:54 am

Just been through hell over 2 years with what I think can only be a BPD/Narc. I found her at first when we met the love of my life, great sex, smiles, laughs etc, it was all there. There was an ex still hanging around in the background, sending gifts etc, it make me feel jealous and a bit worthless I must say, I always commented when any gift came. I felt she was playing me a bit but we had a great time still. I did notice that she kept a few of his items, camera, house keys etc which he did request back. After a nice christmas with my family and her daughter came as well we were doing fine for a few months, chats and walks and feeling like a bonded relationship. She had to move house, which I helped of course, then a bunch of flowers turned up from the Ex again, saying enjoy the new home, I said please can this stop now, she said she would tell him, I explained it made me feel sick inside, she didnt quite understand when I mentioned and said just get over it, nice!! A month later she become more verbal and looking not herself, couldnt quite get to what was she thinking, she told me she was going on holiday for Easter with her daughter for 3 weeks in the UK, so I said ok have a nice time, she said she couldnt wait to see me until she got back. Anyway, off she went, but in a very foul mood with me on the last day before she went and acted as if I had done something awful and blamed me hook line and sinker that I had been cruel and nasty to her and she said dont bother contacting me ever again, I have a gun at home be warned. I was shocked and dumbfounded and ended up in tears for a week.
Here’s the crunch, she never told me her exact destination until I contacted her ex husband by email, here’s the bombshell, she was in Australia with the ex boyfriend, how nice of her and made me feel I had done something wrong. I also found out she had had numerous affaris, stabbed her ex husband, had ongoing sexual relationships with couples (yep, she liked both sexes) a history of abusing men in general, I must have had idiot written on my forehead, I was devastated.
A few months later and a few death threats later I hasten to had from her and her friends, police all over me when I was the victim, she came crawling back, with sorrys, i have missed you, can we start again.
Me being the caring type said the worst thing ever, yes ok!! I bought her everything, a car, clothes, days out with her child, weekends away, meals, drink (which changed her mood drastically) and everything a man can do.
She recycled me it felt when she came back, she was so nice then the put downs started, name calling, physical punches, cheating on me, abusing her own daughter verbally and physically, always accused me of cheating, jealous of me, had me in tears after calling my family names, more abuse, death threats etc, she even tried to kill her own sister one weekend over an Easter egg, police involved again, I was just in a place I have never felt, I realised that I was not the wrong party, I never lied, cheated, abused her, but she must have done this to control me I guess, was it because she loved me, of just because she liked the game of hurting me, who knows?!!! Im out of it now after reporting her to the child protection people, and even that she has used as harrassment against her with the police, I can never win, she was never happy really, I think it was a front to get more from me, but maybe now by being alone with PTSD I will win in time. Do you guys think Im right about BPD, or is the woman a Psychopath? Be interested to know, there’s a lot more to tell to be honest and I could write a book.
Carlos

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Catharine February 23, 2013 at 11:58 am

Hi, I have BPD. I appreciate that you’ve pointed out that a wide variety of people with completely different personalities can be afflicted with this painful emotional disorder — and that’s what it is at its core: a difficulty regulating emotions. How this manifests can be as different as the variety of people and personality types out there. I do tend to take issue with one idea that you’ve stated though — that of people with borderline personality being prone to chronic lying. I can say, at least speaking for myself, that I am at the opposite side of the spectrum with this. I’m almost compelled to honesty and self-disclosure. It’s part of what makes a relationship beautiful. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work well for me sometimes. My last relationship was with a man I strongly believe to have a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (look it up sometime — it’s called Closet Narcissistic Disorder of the Self, or the “Vulenerable Narcissist” — I figure you might be interested because on the surface level it is often confused for BPD, and might be an alternative explanation for some of these women’s unfortunate behavior). Well, he lied to me often and without real guilt over doing so. And to add insult to injury, my honesty and self-disclosure seemed to only be used against me in the end. It’s very lonely for someone like me with BPD. As a shy person who has generally been burned a lot, I tend to keep to myself and keep my intense, painful emotions from others. I have depression and bouts of dysphoria (multiple intense negative emotions that are lead me to suicidal thoughts and panic). Anyway, thanks for noting that there are different types of us out there. It has been six months since my breakup and I still feel quite devastated by it and can’t seem to move on. Meeting people and dating is not easy for me at all. Trusting is hard. While I work on myself and my depression, as well as DBT therapy and skills, I still believe that love and a positive, committed relationship are part of the cure for this painful illness. I like the term one Doctor came up for BPD — “Dyslimbia”. It describes the malfunction of the limbic system of the brain to regulate emotion properly. Because no matter what our maladaptive traits, that is the root of the problem even once we’ve overcome the rest. I truly hope to find love some day with someone who is every bit as committed to making it work as I am. Thanks for listening.

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Rick March 3, 2013 at 9:25 am

Great comment and you’re completely right: not all BPD’s are prone to lying. I want to point out that I didn’t say all BPD’s lie. It’s just that the vast majority tend to :) But either way, BPD is an emotional disorder. But it’s so broad as each person is still unique to themselves. I really want people to get away from the ‘oh she has BPD, no wonder she’s crazy’ mentality because we all do crazy things sometimes. Instead, we need to understand that some people can’t control their emotions as well as others. I do believe that we can all learn that however, even borderlines.

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Catharine February 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm

Oh, also I must say I am quite sorry for some of the experiences you all have had as I read the comments above. I can’t say anything for sure but in the case of Carlos it does sound like more of a Narcissism issue. I believe Narcissism to be a lower grade on the continuum of psychopathic traits, but take my opinion with a grain of salt. It feels kind of funny to say I’m the one with BPD but that I can relate to you all so much. It is awful to love so much and to be hurt time and again.

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Jonny February 24, 2013 at 10:17 am

What do i do when she wont admiit orr acknowledeg the fact that she has bpd and constantly shifts the blame of her emotions onto my behaviors??

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Rick March 3, 2013 at 9:06 am

If she doesn’t admit to having BPD, then use other words. I hate using BPD now, it’s just too broad. Say that she’s got the widest range of emotions you’ve ever seen. Of course she’s going to deny having a problem lol. The hardest step is admitting you have a problem.

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Trilce February 26, 2013 at 1:44 am

Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with BPD. For a second it was a huge relief to finally understand what has been going on most of my life. I have been in therapy for years, mostly treated for depression and have to give it to myself- I have made a tremendous improvement before being diagnosed. I no longer cut/ attempt suicide, I am able to have stable relationships at work/ with friends, I don’t drink/ do drugs/ engage on casual sex encounters anymore. However, the romantic relationships is the area where I seem to fail terribly. I had, until Suday, a very caring, loving man by my side. I would only see him on weekends as he lives in another state, but he made sure to be in constant communication with me via text/ phone calls. The pattern was for the most part the same, we would have an amazing weekend and just as it was coming to an end I’d freak out and start a fight over any stupid thing and escalated it to the point of breakup (my idea, not his) This past Sunday he finally said he’s had it. Took all of his tuff and has remained NC. I have chosen to respect his desicion as I know the relationship with me was hurting him. I, on the other hand, feel horrible that I lost such and amazing man. I wish I could just “snap out of” BPD. I wish I could get my loving ex back :(

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Rick March 3, 2013 at 9:05 am

Yea I hear ya, we all make mistakes and it sucks to lose something you like. But hey, you’re on the right path. It’s ultimately your decision to get into that pattern and start a fight. It kind of worries me though that he would fight back with you and let things escalate. Any real man wouldn’t have any of that. So I wouldn’t be too worried, plus he was out of state. Long-distance relationships are hard.

Any idea what causes/triggers you to start a fight? What do you fight about? How does he react? Does he get defensive?

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Dan February 26, 2013 at 2:18 pm

I really think you’re advice is great. I’m a man who’s been diagnosed with BPD and have done therapy and DBT for quite a while now. Obviously it doesn’t work well because I have nothing nice to say. Nobody truly know the facts about BPD or relationships with BPD. Yes, they are very trying as my wife would a test to, but until you’ve walked a bit in the shoes of a BPD, you don’t truly know even though every BPD case is unique. You have no authority as to say whether someone is BPD or not, but then again not even the most qualified doctors should. Trust me, there are MANY good books written about BPD or how to handle it, but then again, trying to handle a relationship is for losers. Maybe that’s why you’ve been involved in 2-3 relationships with BPD’s that never worked out cause you don’t know what it takes but then again you’re with a BPD for over a year now and have no problems.

I really should pick up your book because I’m sure it’s awesome.

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Rick March 3, 2013 at 8:58 am

Thanks Dan! You sound like you’re upset but it’s ok. I took care of things for you ;) It sounds to me like all the therapy and crappy books you’ve been reading have done nothing but buried you into the BPD sand. Yea, there’s no way out of that. Good luck. BPD can be cured but you obviously don’t believe that and your doctors don’t want you to believe that because they like giving you pills. But it’s okay. And yes my book is the best one out there because it teaches people how to stand up for themselves and not accept abuse which BPD’s tend to do and then use BPD as an excuse. But hey, at least you admit to having BPD. You might just be on the right path!

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WoundedPumpkin March 11, 2013 at 8:56 pm

Oh wow, I am so glad I found this site. I have BPD. Was diagnosed March of 2010. My parents thought I was on drugs not that I had a mental illness. My old Psych referred me to a psych who specialises in BPD because thought I needed more specific care, and here I am today. I have done 2 years of DBT therapy and have started another therapy called ACT (acceptance, commitment therapy). It is a real challenge but I aim to get myself better. The reason why I have commented is because I am not sure if it is my BPD or I have been with a totally freak of nature man.

Last week he started abusing me, so I switched off and stopped talking to him. This has been a cycle over the space of 4 years, he’ll leave, be in a relationship, it’ll fail and he’ll come back to me and expect me to forget he’s been sleeping with other woman when I have done nothing of the sort. Unless I am with him, I am with no one in those breaks … I can’t handle the thought of anyone but him touching me, maybe that is why I find it so hard to let go … The last thing he did was, move to be with a woman. It lasted 3 weeks and then he came crawling back to me. I humoured him for a lil bit and then he said I love you, I want to marry you but YOU need to find us a house to live in. I wanted to be with him and I agreed I would start looking but I needed time as my mind doesn’t cope with stress to well and he knows I have BPD … When I wasn’t doing it fast enough to his liking he started abusing me so I said ENOUGH and asked him to give me space. I only needed a few days to calm down and then I asked if we could talk. Nothing, total silence, he always gives the silent treatment … Granted I am no angel, but when I asked him for space I had abused him with an email which I am not proud of. I was so frustrated as I had asked him many times to not pressure me and that I have to process and plan before I do anything.

I just don’t know if it is me or him. Or both of us, probably is to a certain extent. I guess I just want to know that this is not all my fault because he won’t accept his actions have helped in myself reacting how I have.

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Rick March 12, 2013 at 12:47 am

I like the look of your blog and like that you’re actively improving your life. That’s rare these days as most people in general don’t do that. But the situation you’re in is definitely something I have a problem with… I don’t like how you’re attached to a dude that runs off with other women and then comes back to you when it doesn’t work out with other women. That’s what people with emotional issues do – I had a BPD ex that would do that shit. And the old, dumb me would take her back. I was obsessed. It was bad.

This is all due to a lack of control of your emotional state. I have been there. This BPD ex of mine ruled my feelings and my emotions. Nothing changed until I snapped out of this trance and took back control over my feelings. This is one of the biggest details I coach because it’s absolutely vital. When you are able to control how you feel at any given time, you’re able to instantly drop any drama and emotions and feelings and whatever else there may be for a certain person and instead focus on yourself and what YOU want which is most important.

This guy in your life is a tool. A straight up tool. He is playing you hard, even if it’s not on purpose. You are his back up plan. And the reason he continues to go back and forth with you and other women is that YOU ALLOW HIM TO COME BACK. This has absolutely nothing to do with BPD. I coach men on a daily basis that don’t have BPD and they experience the same exact situation that you are in. It is bad. It is painful. It is passive and weak.

Don’t be offended by anything I have told you. This is the truth you need to hear. This guy is bad news. As long as you let him occupy your thoughts and pull you in over and over again, you’re never going to experience what life really has to offer. Just think about how many great opportunities might have slipped by in the past 4 years. There probably were a number of great men.

What you need to work on is not BPD therapy. That’s obviously not working as you’re still in the same mind frame when it comes to this tool. Instead, you need to focus on your thoughts and your feelings. You need to grab control of those because as long as they’re thinking about this tool, you’re not in control. Just drop the thought of BPD from your mind, it’s tearing you down. It’s making you feel at fault for this guy leaving you over and over when it has NOTHING to do with it. This guy is simply a loser, a disease. The sooner you forget about him and move on, the sooner you’ll realize how ridiculous this whole thing really is.

- Rick

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WoundedPumpkin March 12, 2013 at 3:31 am

I am not offended one bit. I need this type of tough love. My mother said the same but because she is my mother, I got my back up but you are right. Thank You, maybe my mother does know what she is on about … I actually wonder if he has a mental illness himself but I am no expert … I actually said to my best friend my biggest battle is not my BPD, it is not letting him have any more space in my head. He is no good for me and I know this. That’s why this frustrates the hell out of me when I let him back in …

I think I will buy your book and use it on myself :-)

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Rick March 13, 2013 at 5:28 am

I have a new book coming out soon which is 1000 times better than my old one. The original is still good, but just not even close to the knowledge I have now. But it’s still worth to buy because you get the new book free when it comes out. And I’ll be raising the price to 19.95 :)

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Callum and emma March 31, 2013 at 1:30 pm

Hey rick,
Would just like to say that I’m sitting in my front room with my girlfriend who is a bpd sufferer and reading through your comments and other people’s we can relate so much. I’m trying to understand my partner as this is all new to me. We ride the rollercoaster but ultimately love one another dearly and couldn’t be without each other. We are going to put all our efforts into making this work and your website only inspires us to work harder. Thank you.

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KAS April 23, 2013 at 6:22 am

This is a good website – wish I had read it last year. I was with a guy who was my soulmate kind of – we knew each other since age 17 (now 38) and were together 3.5 years when young but things blew up because of his issues (BPD behaviors like major anger, severe separation anxiety, lack of trust/unfounded accusations, and “splitting”)…we met up again last year and I allowed myself to forget about how he had been because I still loved him and it was like he still loved me after all those years. It was awesome. Then a few problems happened, he freaked on me for small things and I told him I wasn’t comfrotable with his treatment and needed to figure out if this was right. He apologized deeply and I accepted it…Then BOOM! After months of saying I was his soul mate, he finally said he wanted to commit to me, then a week later he kicked me out of his life completely and will have no contact with me. That was about 8 months ago. He has no idea he has any mental illness and thinks he is very stable. I don’t think he has heard of BPD. I feel sorry for him and I still love him but there is really nothing I can do. I asked him if I could call him and he said if I contact him he will get a peace order and he regrets ever letting me back in his life. Somehow he even convinced his parents and sister (who were my friends and I thought loved me) to never talk to me again. It’s really sad and I miss him.

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broken.hope May 14, 2013 at 1:59 am

I am a BPD woman, single now reading all of this and remembering my past relationship. I can’t stand the way I am. I feel cursed. If I could just decide to be a stable normal girl I would do it so fast. Anyway, I was just wondering if there are any surveys on what percent of BPD women ever get married.

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Rick June 6, 2013 at 6:35 pm

I’m not sure. But don’t let BPD haunt you. I see this happen WAY too much. You’re worried about marriage but don’t forget that around 80% of marriages are failed. Only around 60% actually get divorced, but another 20% or so aren’t happy and living together anyways. All you really need is to find yourself a real man. They’re incredibly rare I know but they’re out there. Avoid the chumpy dudes because you’ll just continue to break their hearts :)

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Alexandra May 28, 2013 at 5:17 am

Hi…i was wondering if two people both with bpd can have a successful relationship. My ex has been diagnosed and it was only whilst reading up on it that i realised that it was most likely what i have too. Without going in to details I’ve got a history!!! He is currently not receiving help and i can’t see how to move forward, especially as my parents response for mental illness is to m”an up” or if its someone else then to run away fast!!! Sorry, im rambling. My ex wants to work it out and i know that we could be incredibly happy together but at what cost??? We’ve both got children from previous relationships that i don’t want to get caught up in it all. Thank you x

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Rick June 6, 2013 at 6:29 pm

I would say the best thing to do is avoid living together and to try to encourage your ex to get involved in more activities than just work. Men in work aren’t really advancing their lives at all. They need to be doing more. Another idea is to both get a gym pass and start working out together. You’ll both be getting healthier together and that’s always a good thing :)

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anonymous May 30, 2013 at 7:59 am

I am choosing to remain anonymous. I have been searching the internet a lot today. I was told a while ago that I had BPD. My boyfriend also had BPD, so I am sure you can imagine how our relationship is. When hes up im down and when im up hes down. In a way we compliment one another because he is able to help me when I go into my severe depression and I am able to help him as well. But it does not seem like it will ever end. We love each other more than anything. But there will be periods of time when we are happy and everything is fine. and then one day I wake up and hate the world and everyone in it for two or three weeks. It doesn’t sound bad but its awful. I either sleep for 16 hours or more or I stay in my room and do nothing all day. I can barely get out of bed I think that everyone is out to get me and most importantly I CANNOT feel love no matter what anyone else does for me o shows me I cannot physically or mentally feel love. I know it must have something to do with my family. 80% of them are insane so it does not help being around them. All they care about are themselves and it has always been that way. but I want us to be happy to get married and have children but how is that ever supposed to happen???

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Rick June 6, 2013 at 6:27 pm

My advice for toxic situations is to always start by dumping the poison. This is always the first step. And this can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. If you have family that are toxic to your life, you need to limit the amount of time you see/talk to as little as possible. You have to get rid of as much toxicity as possible.

The second step is to get yourself involved with hobbies or a job or whatever that forces you out of bed and into the real world. Try running around the neighborhood for awhile, join a Yoga class or a gym, get active. Getting active is the second step to curing depression.

Third, stop blaming BPD. You’ll just use it as an excuse for the rest of your life and we both know that is toxic. So, do what you can to take your mind off at by getting out and getting healthy. Look at things from a 3rd point perspective. Ask yourself if it makes sense to be thinking this way. If you’re lying in bed for 16 hours, then yea you’re going to feel shitty lol. So get your ass up!

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Gem June 27, 2013 at 11:25 am

I suffer from BPD and am stupidly in a relationship with a male suffering from BPD. It’s hard.
What i can say is directly seeing someone suffer like you do, act irrationally and in manipulative ways just to keep you around. Well, it helps you see what is wrong inside yourself. I read a book “the bpd survival guide” which helped me get a grip on myself, so to speak. But living with someone who refuses to help their own situation is exhausting, devastating. he sets off my irrational behaviors with his own more than any other stresses in my life.
All i can say is as far as BPD relationships go.. Don’t. Not if the person isnt actively trying to fix themselves. They’ll take you down with them.
we’re so codependant on eachother that i dont know if ill ever even allow myself to leave.

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Rick July 1, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Well it’s like what I say: you attract what you project. I’m of the belief that men don’t really have BPD – it’s more along the lines of psychotic. They literally just don’t have normal feelings. Everything they do is a game designed to manipulate you into doing something. I know guys like this and they’re a handful.

The problem I see here however is that you just believe you’re doomed. Wtf is up with that? You’re basically accepting defeat due to this supposed ‘illness’ which isn’t genetic at all? So you’ve accepted the fact that ‘Oh I have BPD life is over’. That’s silly. And then you bring up codependency as well. Wow. Well, seeing how both can be solved through a change in mindsets, behaviors and actions, you really need to give yourself more credit. First step is leaving this god awful relationship. If you can’t do that, then no one can help you not even that crappy bpd survival guide (yes I’ve read it).

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Frustrated BF August 7, 2013 at 1:10 pm

Hi Rick, everyone else:

I came across this blog post while searching for solutions in dealing with a 44 y.o long term g/f that blatantly refuses to communicate her feelings. Her reasoning, she doesn’t want to burden me with her problems, however, her inability to deal with more than one issue at a time ultimately burdens us in the long-run. She rarely opens up about her feelings, even if she suspects something is happening (even if not true), her reasoning is; you should already know what you’re doing to her and correct the problem!
I came across Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms a few years ago while searching the net for similar situations to mine. I wholeheartedly believe my s/o suffers from BPD, however, she rejected my research and observations and will not admit to having any personality issues beyond her failure (refusal) to communicate. She denies that anything traumatic ever happened to her growing up. She constantly tries to pass off her erratic behavior as normal, and everyone else with the problem. Her idiosyncrasies are passed off as normalcy.
Long story short – we met five years ago while she was still married, carried an on/off relationship during that time, and finally moved in together shortly before her divorce (2 months). I moved in with her (non-marital rented home), and everything seemed absolutely perfect for the first two months! We talked, we planned, we began to act like a family with her two daughters (9 & 10) and my twin boys (13 y.o.’s). However, soon after, I discovered she never ever told her husband about our relationship! Understandably, he was very upset to learn that his daughters were cohabitating with a strange man and did whatever he could to prevent us from behaving like a family. All of sudden, the girls weren’t allowed to interact with us very much. At the same time, I noticed my S/O’s behavior changed rapidly; seemingly insignificant issues became major obstacles and she even questioned whether she wanted to be with me. Fights ensued, threats to “get out of my house” followed. Extremely frustrated, I began to make arrangements to move back out. By this time I’d given up everything (most of my household possessions) to move in with her. Subsequently, once she discovered I was moving out, she pleaded to work on things and even suggested counseling. I stayed, lost my earnest money, and soon after, the mountains out of mole-hills began popping up again. The lease eventually ended, and I moved out on my own again.
I explained to her that my livelihood is very important to me and I cannot have it jeopardized over insignificant events. Fast-forward; six months later, we live in separate homes, living separate lives. I think she understands now that her over-reactions resulting in domestic hostility will not be tolerated by me. The funny part, since I moved out, there has been ZERO unsolvable issues brought up. I think she realizes that all I have to do is go home, or leave her place and it’s over. Before, when she had flare ups, I could do nothing but be miserable. Some of her symptoms that I have identified include:
• Extreme mood swings,
• Extreme highs and lows,
• Feels personally betrayed and violated by others mistakes,
• Makes the smallest issues into the biggest problems
• Zero long-term trust
• Always guilty until overwhelmingly proven innocent
• Not swayed by facts
• Only swayed by feelings
• Turns feelings into facts
• Adamant that conspiracies are underway to date other people
• No one is loyal to her, (even though I waited five years to be with her)
I am very frustrated and very angry after investing five years of my life into this relationship and having absolutely nothing to show for it. We still hang out, sometimes it’s good, however when its not, I do not come around. I have to specifically ask her for things that a normal 5 year relationship couple would do anyway. At the time I moved out, I lost my job and struggled desperately while finishing my last year of law school. She never offered to help, never asked if I was okay, and when I did specifically ask for help, it was usually a one-of situation without any follow up.
Half of me wants to cut my losses and move on, the other half feels so vested after losing five years of my life in my thirties (she’s 8 years older than me) that I feel like I have to make it work! She’s the only women my boys have seen me with besides their mother, however their relationship is not overly great. Their mom is basically dying of stage 4 cancer and my S/O has not even once communicated about her condition. I often find myself reminding her about my needs, and I’m very frustrated because of it. Quite frankly, my needs aren’t being met and I have communicated this to her, however nothing changes.
In conclusion, your article spoke about making it work with a BPD S/O, however, my question is, why? If the person refuses to acknowledge their issues, how likely is it that they’ll change? Especially if there is no marriage, kids, or anything else together, should one continue? My parents have been married for 43 years and I would really like to have what they have however, I know it comes from hard work, but I feel like the burden is all on me. I don’t want to be with someone who does not match my effort.

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:15 pm

At this point with this much on your mind, you probably should move on. At least let her know that you’re going to leave her if she doesn’t start communicating with you. She’ll get back and throw a fit, but keep your back bone and actually leave her. Give it a week and let me know what happens.

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tyler August 10, 2013 at 3:33 pm

Hi rick,

Sorry for the long paragraph but you seem to have the best knowledge of bpd on the net and was really hoping ti get ur advice….
Ive been with my gf about 8 months now and we hardly ever argue. We had an argument the other day because i thought she was being disrepectful etc (i think i was abit harsh and over reacted to an extent). She then came out with the fact she thinks she cant be in a relationship at the moment, i really didnt see it coming.

Because i really like her i obviously did what i now know i shouldnt have done, and said how much i like her etc and how we should work it out etc and she agreed to it. I then asked her like 2 days after how she felt about it all and she said she feels the same but we agreed to try work it out but she put alot of enphasis on that she needed space.

Ive laid back from her about 40% but i still text her but ive seen some advice that i should just ignore her until she comes to me. She seems kind of distant still and I dont know what to do. She also said to me that she thinks she has BPD and it would make sense as she had a messed up relationship with her family splitting up.

I think I have become a little soft with her and do say alot of shit to her being open about my feelings but im considering ignoring her till she comes to me but im afraid she wont, plus I cant just do it out of the blue.

What are your thoughts?

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Rick August 26, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Well first you want to drop the moral high horse here and get this relationship back on track. The way you do that is through honesty and space. So basically tell her how you feel followed by ‘so let’s take a break for a little bit and if you want to get back together, let me know.’ and leave it at that. It shows her that you care about her but you also don’t need her.

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Becky September 2, 2013 at 11:22 am

Hey (apologies in advance for the essay )

I’ve been in a relationship with my BPD bf for just over a year now (I’m 26 and my bf, 31) about 6 months into our relationship he was prescribed medication to help him sleep and dull down his hypersensitive reactions to things but is still waiting for therapy… well I can honestly say I’ve never felt so physically and emotionally drained in all my life! I love him dearly and I believe he loves me. Everyone that knows us (Family, friends etc ) think I’m a complete idiot for staying with him and taking all the abuse, but I just cant leave him….
At the very start he would just exaggerate experiences and past relationships to build himself up, even if they sounded totally unrealistic. He had been receiving some therapy in prison but was still undiagnosed (I didn’t know him till after he was released) Not even a month into our relationship he started to go off the rails badly. He has a very bad ‘flick of a switch’ temper – he’s never physically hurt me but has threatened to on a few occasions (and If he ever did, I would have no doubts in ending the relationship) Its as if all his insecurity’s just came flooding back and being in a relationship with me triggered it. I’ve hadn’t done anything to hurt him or for him to mistrust me… but he has a long list of bad relationships and said that he finds it hard to trust, which is understandable. I can just about deal with that, in fact It made me more determined to prove I’m in this for the long haul and that he can trust me, but at what cost?
I’m not clingy… but stupidly I adore him and have done so much for him to help him get his life back on track, yet he would disagree – and that I’ve done nothing for him, I never make him feel loved and I’ve just been a burden on his perfect life. I feel sick where its such a slap in the face.
When he’s not angry or hyper affectionate he’s totally emotionless, is very spiteful, lies, has no sex drive yet he’s chatted up, flirted and sex texted other women and makes out that he’s a total love god! He has no history of sexual abuse, but he just feels that sex is unnecessary in a relationship and hugging should be enough… Whenever I brooch the topic even in a diplomatic way I’m accused of being a sex pest. He says he’s attracted to me and the times we have made love its been great! He just says its not necessary and then rants on about getting 2 single beds instead of our double…
Has anyone else had this experience before with a BPD partner? I’ve read a lot about peoples BPD partners having high sex drives but none with low ones…
Anything I do is just never enough and at times I do admittedly bite back, but only in defence to his ridiculousness. But sticking up for myself only seems to add fuel to the fire. Everything always seems to be my fault, he cannot accept truth or responsibility even after being caught red handed. I have given into unreasonable arguments, apologized when I’ve done nothing. Forgiven him for things, the only consequence being me getting hurt and crying my heart out yet again… and yet I’m always being punished for whatever ‘issue’ he has with me, whether it actually exists or not. He can see I’m suffering badly, but doesn’t seem to give a shit about how I feel and he cant see any reason why I would be so upset. Sometimes I think I see tiny flickers of guilt over his behaviour, but I really don’t know. I like to think that fact he’s getting help at my request means there’s hope for us yet. I truly love him with all my heart and would of loved to one day get married and start a family but I’m scared to even think about it now. I’m not stupid enough to think his behaviour wouldn’t effect our children. Saying that I don’t truly know where I stand with him or even if he can get better. I’ve tried to leave a few times, but each time its been me that’s made the first move to us getting back together or making up. After every argument I’ve been the one to smooth things over even though I know non of it was my fault. Its always me trying to comfort him, but I’m the one hurting and needed comforting. I know I deserve much better and can do much better and I almost make my mind up to leave for good, but then he pulls me back in with his sweet, fun, loving, affectionate side and it reminds me of why I love him and of all the good times together. I’m really stuck with what to do, I know the longer this goes on the harder and more painful it will be for the both of us. Do I get out now? or stay to see if things can be worked out?… I really don’t know :(

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travis September 8, 2013 at 7:00 am

Hi Rick,

I have been fortunate that I only had the pleasure of dating one women with BPD. Not knowing what this emotional roller coaster was I only learned after the fact. I did not engage or take advantage of her advances (most men would) . Partly because it was a co-worker and felt she may use sex to control me. Also that it was a turn off as a woman like this usually will end up cheating on you. Even at the beginning I said I have your best intention and instead she insulted me because I did not want to sleep with her on the first date. Anyway I wanted to say I agree with your comments and articles you have posted on this topic. Your right about me in that I see myself as a mild co-dependent. Anyway some time has passed and have projected a better image of myself. I am happy being me and see the glass always half full. I am more a man today then before that bpd rollercoaster. I’m better for the experience and wish the next woman I meet and fall for is emotionally stable.

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 8:08 pm

I recall a gorgeous girl I went on a 1st date with several years ago. Appearance wise, she was everything I wanted in a girl. Personality wise as well. We were at her house for a few hours, we were cuddling on the couch, we were making out. But like you, I didn’t sleep with her. And she got mad about this. We never went out again. We texted a few times, but it was clear that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. All because I didn’t close the deal.

Now most guys, as well as myself at the time, would see that as foolish. I started to believe that if I had slept with her, we would have been together. But that just wasn’t true. Turns out she was in a break from her current bf and was rebounding with me. Now looking back, you could argue that I should have slept with her because this could have made us get together. But that’s just a dumb fantasy guys play in their heads. The reality is that even if we dated for a bit, it would have never worked out as we both moved to different areas across the country.

So at the end of the day, I made the right decision not to sleep with her. I didn’t fulfill her needy rebounding issues. It used to eat me up for not jumping into the sack with her, but damn I’m glad I didn’t. I wasn’t a high quality man at that time so I know it wouldn’t have worked out as a positive relationship for me. But yea I do sometimes wish I slept with her. I won’t deny that.

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Ann September 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm

i have recently realized that i have bpd. unfortunately, it took my bf of the last 2.5 years and father of my almost one year son leaving me in the middle of the night after a terrible argument over a good night kiss. before i got pregnant, we had a near perfect relationship. i did have some insecurity issues, but had been cheated on while married and for the most part he was understanding and patient. we were living together and planning for our future when we found out i was pregnant. it was completely unexpected and he was terrified. he never wanted to have any children of his own, though he was fine with the three i had when i was married. i was on the pill, so it was a pretty big surprise for me too. he wanted me to have an abortion and i couldn’t do it. he withdrew all intimacy, emotionally and physically. i was a wreck. we fought constantly and horrendously. he took three months to decide if he was even going to stick around. prior to this, our relationship was the absolute best i’ve ever experienced. i had plenty of bad reactions….the physical rejection shattered whatever bit of self confidence i had managed to keep and the emotional rejection made me desperate. everything i did or said pushed him further away from me. sometimes he would get so angry he would leave, but he always came back. he finally committed to staying with me til the baby was born and giving things a year to improve after that. he started traveling for work around the same time, which caused me to cycle even further into crazy…..i accused him of cheating on me all the time and was worse than angry cat with her claws out. i was glad for the chance to work things out, but couldn’t control my neverending insecurities. most of the arguments were prompted by me, clawing for a glimpse of the love we had before i was pregnant. we had the baby and my bf was instantly and utterly in love with him. he had been an amazing day since day one. however, he remained emotionally distant. i was hoping he would have an epiphany once our son was born, realize how much he had ‘hurt me’, and want to make it up to me. i worked hard to lose weight and always took care of my appearance….but there was no spark, no intimacy, and we started fighting about sex and everything else. i kept dredging up the past. we eventually started trying, but it was awkward and infrequent. we cycled through awful fights. i was dying for reassurance and the more i sought it the more i pushed him away. i became paralyzed with rejection. i went to counseling, and it helped some….but by then the emotional roller coaster had infected other parts of my life. i constantly felt unattractive, unwanted, and i kept expecting him to reach out to me and make me feel better. i freaked out over each and every business trip he went on, i couldn’t focus at work and my performance suffered. we almost broke up a million times, but i kept begging him to stay and give me another chance to get my emotions under control. i lost my job. he rallied and was very supportive while i looked for a new and got back on my feet. yet i constantly picked fights and fell apart over small things…..i was ridiculously hypervigilant. sometimes it would seem like things were getting better, but then i would have a meltdown over something stupid. he started getting angrier and our fights got worse. he started leaving again, but would come back the next morning. until this last time.

after he left last week, i did some soul searching and realized that i need to improve my self confidance and start reaching out to him make things work. i’ve been stuck in a terrible cycle. i’ve been putting everything on his shoulders. while researching ways to work on that, i discovered bpd. when things are really bad, i self harm, feel suicidal, blame myself for everything….he calls me names and i start to agree….this seems to make him even angrier…..i think i’ve destroyed any respect he ever had for me with me outrageous emotional behavior.

when we talked this round, i begged him to stay and give me one more chance now that i see what i’ve been doing to create the problems we’ve been having. he said he’s empty and just can’t do it. reluctantly, he’s agreed to ‘stay together’ for the next month and discuss coming home at the end of it…..but only if i can show him that i’m working on my problems and making progress. he’s skeptical that i’ve realized anything that will make any difference. i feel like this is different…..but the things i’ve read online are very discouraging.

do you think i can change enough to fix things? have we created too much toxicity and disrespect to come back? i wouldn’t have realized i needed to do this if he hadn’t stuck by me all this time….i want make up for the pain i’ve caused him and keep our family in tact. and i really think i can change, now that i can see what i’m doing and why. i know it won’t be easy, but i have so much to lose and so much more to gain….

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Rick October 6, 2013 at 7:43 pm

I think you know what you need to do. The first step in everything is to always improve your own self-respect and self-confidence so you can build that trust factor back up. The problem with these relationships is that the non-BPD gets to a point where they just can’t trust anything you say anymore. So my advice is to stop saying things and instead DO things to show you’re working on change. It’s not all about changing, it’s more about showing that you’re working on improving yourself. And that’s all up to you.

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Giselle October 19, 2013 at 7:15 am

Hi there

Many self-help sites for people with Borderline partners advocate No Contact after a breakup.

This seems to me to be very passive aggressive behaviour like silent treatment. I’ve tried it , but no texts and no emails just don’t work for me.

How would you advocate contact with my husband and how should I frame my suggestions that he comes home so we can sort things out? He left the family home two months ago after a huge row and is lurking 40 minutes drive away in a bedsit. One excuse he gives for not coming back is that I threw him out (not true) and he never wants to be put in that position again. Another is that he’s afraid of his personal safety (he’s a black belt in karate!).

Any advice welcome! Giselle

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 10:08 am

For me, once someone leaves I left them go like you sort of have. However, I’m not going to ignore texts or whatever unless I really don’t want them around anymore. And if we break up for good, then I won’t take them back ever because I’ll just keep ascending and out grow them like I always do.

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Holli November 3, 2013 at 7:51 am

You should have done a little more research on the topic before you wrote your book. A lot of your statements are correct, but you are not so educated on this disorder. Flipping the bird or responding with anything less than tranquility to a person who may have bpd is only adding fuel to the fire. That’s like shaming a cancer patient for losing their hair. Go research.

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 9:56 am

lol? BPD is nothing more than attention whoring on an extreme level. It’s not a genetic illness therefore it’s due to upbringing and insecurity. You know how I know this? Because BPD’s quit their crazy behavior the second the realize it won’t work on me. They get very nice, very fast and they stay that way as long as they are with me.

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NS December 12, 2013 at 5:43 am

Everything I Need To Know About Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I Learned From My Cat

I am 41 years old, and have three college degrees including an M.D. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent when it comes to matters of the brain. However, as typical, when it comes to matters of the heart, I have pretty much been a ball in tall grass. Just lost.

After an 18 year hollow and empty marriage with a “normal” woman which produced two great kids, I finally got the courage to leave in search of happiness in the form of true lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve. What actually resulted, however, was a series of three trainwreck relationships in a row, each progressively worse than the one preceding it. The first two, I had no problem severing all ties once I recognized the signs and heeded the red flags. The third…not so much.

I have thus been in an on-and-off, tumultuous, long-distance, neglectful relationship with my BPD girlfriend for almost two years. I won’t go into the specifics only because it is not necessary; the behavior is clearly BPD; she meets 6 of the 9 diagnostic criteria (of which as you know you only need 5 to be diagnosed). I also won’t go into why I am attracted to such a type, as I am fully aware I have my own fear of attachment issues, narcissist issues, mommy and daddy issues, nice guy issues, and codependency issues, all of which I am working on.

No, I won’t go into of any of that now. I am writing this now because, despite knowing the facts about her, her diagnosis, and myself, like tens of thousands of other BPD partners, I find myself wanting to make this thing WORK. Wanting to understand her and what makes her tick, and wanting effective coping strategies and ways to understand her behavior so as not to react to it. I’ve read dozens of books and internet sites, but of note Rick Reynolds’ work here at reignitethefire.net has been EXTREMELY helpful with my goals of at least becoming a stronger person from all of this (I literally read his BPD book every morning). But in the hundreds of hours of soul-searching I have done during my GF’s distancing or splitting-me-all-black periods, this morning while watching the sun rise petting my cat it actually hit me like a ton of bricks:

She is JUST like my cat.

I never owned a cat or liked cats in my life; I thought I was allergic. I was always a dog person. It was actually my BPD GF who convinced me to buy a kitten a year ago.

Turns out I wasn’t allergic, and one year later I’m sitting here staring at my cat and marveling how beautiful she is – her markings, her eyes, the way she looks at me – and at the same time, as I am trying to pet her, I have gotten scratched, bitten, and run away from several times.

BOOM. It hit me. And as I thought more about it, I discovered soooooo many similarities:

Cats are, for the most part, exquisitely beautiful animals. Their markings, eyes, even the feel of their fur is luxurious and quite addictive. They KNOW this.

Cats are fiercely independent, and love to remind you of this even in the way they look at you with disdain. Yet I still keep her around, and she looks at me as if to say “You sap.”

Cats will never stop their instinctual behavior – hunting and stalking her next prey, whether real or imagined.

A cat will never appear sorry for being a cat. She neither understands nor cares how you feel about her behavior either.

A cat comes and goes as she pleases. Whenever I want to cuddle her, pick her up, pet her etc, she runs away. She often comes back out of curiosity but then always runs away again. Conversely, she wakes me up headbutting me *every* morning wanting attention. Sits on my chest staring at my face plotting to kill me in my sleep lol. Fetches toys in the middle of the night and headbutts me wanting to play. She wants the attention on *her* timetable – but once you do give it to her, she ultimately runs away. In fact, the only sure way to get attention from her…is to ignore her. She will literally do backflips on the floor then, rolling over like a puppy. It is truly remarkable.

Cats will disappear for hours in your own apartment, for no rhyme or reason. They will then come out once in a while to see what you are doing. This is NOT to satisfy your needs – it’s to satisfy their boredom.

Cats’ curiosity and at times recklessness gets them into trouble sometimes; e.g. zooming into and then subsequently getting locked inside closets for hours. It has never, not once, stopped her from doing it again.

A cat will completely ignore you and the toy you just bought her – and then go happily play in the box it came in. By herself.

Last and most important lesson I’ve learned – you CANNOT “train” a cat. They train YOU. They will never change their behavior for you. EVER. For example, they will never learn how not to be a cat just because you really wish they were a dog, or are used to only handling dogs, etc. They have instant amnesia combined with high intelligence and infinite stubbornness. They will continue to pee on your beanbag chair if they decide to do so, and will still look at you like “What?” (my solution was to hide the beanbag chair in a closet, until I can figure out a better solution).

I know that my BPD GF is not my pet, and I also know some of the above are not exact correlates, but still the similarities floored me. Basically – it was easy being a dog owner. But I’ve had to *work* at tolerance and understanding, and make some *major* ego sacrifices to be a cat owner. Meaning – I have GROWN as a person. And the thing is – I still keep her around. I really love my cat (regardless of the above, and maybe even *because* of some of the above), and at this point I don’t want to be without her. Whatever that speaks about me is almost irrelevant to me, because I don’t really care. I just know I love her – even if she is a cat.

Thanks for letting me share. :)

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NS December 12, 2013 at 6:43 am

A follow up to this, and relevant to me posting on Rick’s site: I have had to modify my OWN behaviors to be a happy cat owner. As I said, I hid the beanbag chair in the closet. I have a spray bottle of water that I hit her with a spritz every single time she jumps up on the kitchen table while I’m eating. It does NOT stop her from doing it again – it teaches her nothing – but it temporarily curbs the behavior and lets me eat in peace. Every night before I go to sleep I hide all her toys in a drawer – no available toys = nothing to fetch and wake me up with. And most importantly – when she distances herself and goes to hide under the bed for hours – I DO NOT CHASE HER OR TRY TO DRAG HER OUT just because I want to play. I leave her be. And I’m fine with all of this. Just wanted to add all of this in. Hope this helps somebody cope.

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NS December 25, 2013 at 5:57 pm

Actually Rick, guess what – I’m moving to the beach, and I’m getting RID of my cat! lol and I just went no-contact with my ex-BPD too. Working towards quality baby

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AH January 12, 2014 at 7:24 am

I just bought and read your book after coming to the realization my ex is a borderliner too, I never realized until now a few weeks after our definitive break up after almost having been together for almost 7 years, I mean I always knew she was very insecure and could have these angry spells and be very unreasonable at times but I never figured her to be a borderliner (although I often said her sister was and I got the saner sister, but it’s really much harder to tell when you are in a relationship).

I read the tips and thought great tips, then I remembered: that used to be me, I used to be like that but in time you can’t help yourself deeply loving someone and it gets harder and harder to walk away, especially when after 5 years we got an apartment together and with a baby on the way (she is more of a waif type borderliner, very loyal, our daughter is also a spitting image of me when I was her age).

Once I let my guard down, I gradually without really noticing lost complete control to her, she managed to suck out my pride, self esteem and respect but I still want her back. I now know again what to be like but have no idea how to get to her without being weak again

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brett February 4, 2014 at 11:47 pm

i have narcissistic personality disorder and have been off and on with my bpd wife for 9 years we just are magnets attracking eachother . we are both aware of are conditions now . have u read the npd/bpd couple ? but my wife respects me but only because im passive aggressive . i have hurt her just as much as she has hurt me .

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LL February 8, 2014 at 11:09 pm

Does your book and CD work on the opposite sex? My partner is a male suffering with BPD and I am a co-dependent girlfriend.

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Rick February 11, 2014 at 2:13 pm

It’s more geared towards women with BPD as I am a guy, but I do help women. Some women tend to not like my coaching style however so keep that in mind. Men are a difficult case :)

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Cecily February 14, 2014 at 11:42 pm

This must be a typo “raping” should be “raging” right?

“…sexual advances, raping, extreme”

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Rick March 9, 2014 at 9:28 pm

Oh yes good find! Lol don’t want to give people the wrong meaning…

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SD May 27, 2014 at 12:14 pm

Well I beleive I have Bpd traits since I was abusive to my partner. It scared me so much that I would do something like I did because I was abused for six years when I was married. I took actions to stop this crazyness of mine. On the other side I have a lot of qualities that are’nt common in “BPD labeling”. I am a really good mom and I have an amazing relationship with my kids. Our communication is amazing and the trust between me and the kids is there. I wouldn’t want it any other ways. I am also a freind and have been at the same job for 15 years where I deal with critical situations. I am a good employee and a caring person.

I have found the most amazing men in my life and hope to enjoy this relationship as long as I can. It is a fact that intimate relationship is where i stuggle. I beleive if I had not been the victim of abuse and had not been abusive the relationship would be what I always wanted. I have suffered excrutiating pain because of my abondonement demons but I own my responsibilities in this journey . My trigger is that I have huge anxiety when my partner leaves to do something he likes other than spending time with me…it sounds selfish right? On the other side I love being alone so I should just enjoy the time I have when he is gone because I got tons of passions for other stuff . It is irrational to the point that I know it’s irrational and I’m sick of it myself. To be more specific when, I find out that he has plans I panic inside That is where I failed in the past and said things I shouldnt. Now what I do I am honest when it happens inside and we talk about it over and over, he doesn’t judge which is the key for me so i can get rid of the shame of having needs, that doens’t mean he has to fill all the needs I have, some of them are mine to take care of. He offered to stay home on occasions to reassure me and I said no because I want him to have a great time and I want to overcome the demons in my head. I think my best focus is I have to walk the walk myself to believe I am competent. If I dont beleive I am competent, no one will. I also told my partner that i would break up before allowing my behaviors to stop him from doing what he likes. The anxiety I have is mine and it can be excruciating but I have a feeling that it will get better because my heart truly has the desire to be happy. BPD vs abandonement issues what ever they want to call it is real and excruciating at times but everytimes I overcome something I feel more confident. Set back sucks but everyone has bad days. It takes a very very special men to deal with this and a really brave women to face the demons with love . When it’s really rough, take that rebel and stubburn child in you and put that energy towards wanting to succeed… if that works for you. The rest I still have to learn along the way….good luck to all of you and thank you for sharing even the ones on the other side… it helps:)

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Rick June 4, 2014 at 2:40 pm

Thanks for sharing :) I think the most important part is you coming forward and sharing your struggles with your partner in the beginning so he understands you better. This is why early communication is key. I don’t have a problem dating someone like you as long as I know who you are. I want to know that me going out without you bugs you. That way I can reassure you, update you about my night you can let me know how you’re feeling. It’s all about communicating and be honest.

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Bethan September 9, 2014 at 7:51 am

First can I say that this is one of the first articles I have stumbled upon that do not insult, degrade or just put BPD’s in a bad light, which I thank you for. This lifted a huge weight off my chest, I myself was told that I have a lot of BPD symptoms, by my psychiatrist. I’m 19, and have had a rocky past with relationships, and well just a rocky past in general. I’ve been treated for depression since I was 14, so it’s been five years. It was only recently that I got told that there was a high possibility that I have BPD, I researched it a lot, and have found that a lot of the symptoms are in fact present for me. I got for a consultation this coming Friday. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four months, and this article has given me hope that we can both whether the storm together, he is patient kind and understanding — but also gives me my space when I need it. So far, everything has been great, there have been times where I’ve had my mood swings, and gone from happy to severely sad, or have been angry. But he knows that there’s a possibility that I have BPD, a very high one and accepts me for who I am, and I ever so grateful to have him. I had to write this to thank you, I have come across many articles that just say “don’t bother” or that we are manipulative people, liars, abusers etc. This just gave me hope, that I’m not a bad person. So thank you very much.

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Rick September 12, 2014 at 4:02 pm

.No problem :) The key for you guys is to keep up the solid communication which you guys are doing so keep it up. Thanks for the comment!

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Miller October 2, 2014 at 3:21 am

I am currently going through turmoil and feeling so upset and unhappy. I met this woman about 5 years ago and during nthat time she has left me three times. This last time I think it is for good. Throughout the relationship she has made me feel that everything that bad that has happened between us is my fault (adn I’m wondering if it iks my fault!) and during this tiime she has hit, kicked, bit and scratched me. She has also had realtionship breakdowns with her mother, father and sister. She has also had me arrested twice because I was bothering her. Well I guess some of it my fault as i reacted to her aggressive behaviours and moods. This latest split is because I was according the her I was “rejecting and bad mouthing” her family. As I said I believe this is the end (although I would always have her back!) and what I am now wondering is this. I never realised during all the time with her that she may have BPD. Looking at all the websites I believe she shows many of the symptoms and I never realised this whilst I was with her, and if I had of done I would have reacted differently. Should I now raise this possibility with her or a close member of her family or should I just let it go?

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Rick October 7, 2014 at 4:33 pm

Well I would highly suggest you don’t go to her family over her. It’s always a bad idea to do this. All your communication needs to be directed at her. Not her family. So you can either let it go or deal with her directly. Also you need to work on controlling your emotions. If not, you’re just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Thanks for the comment :)

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MC October 3, 2014 at 8:09 pm

I am glad I found this page–right when I need it as well. I dated a man for about 3 years. I noticed his BPD issues about 5 months in but still loved him regardless. He and I had this thing–and read everything about narcs etc and he was never abusive. During our relationship about 6 mnths in we both lost our homes due to a hurricane. I mean EVERYTHING! We then decided to rent a home together. He has 3 boy from a previous marriage and we had them bi weekly. We had fun, respected each other and truly believe we were in love. A year later his ex wife suddenly died and we then had full custody of his 3 boys. I noticed about 2 months later he was losing it, I shut down, became needy, and he detached. I no longer was who I was. We were to move into a new home and about a week before I got really in his face–and the eggshell thing was apparent. He was having outbursts, we no longer even laughed and acted like the team we were- he ended the relationship-saying he needed time and we weren’t who we were- I went nuts and our families got ugly with one another. He rebounded asap with someone and my heart broke–knowing it was a rebound of course. Recently I texted him a funny pic of my dog–we had two and he kept one. He responded asap and then we talked more and more. I saw him recently and had a chance to say all the things to him, sort of an truce, acknowelging how hard it got and how we changed. Now he is telling me still loves me, how I am so different and the girl he met 3 years ago. Wants to see me again next week. I don’t want to be naïve but I feel he changed because he was never this honest and yes he was a good storyteller–I am just wondering why would he be pursuing me after such a horrid ending–he can meet someone else as I can– but mutually feel the same about each other just very scared. trying to not repeat the same behaviors, I don’t need him but I want him.

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Rick October 7, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Wow, what a crazy story! Thanks for sharing with all of us. Sometimes outside forces just make things much more difficult. It ends up being outside of your own power. Which is why at the end of the day, you need to worry about just yourself and your own control. I know you had things rough, but it’s really important you get control over your emotions and don’t get into yelling matches and in each other’s faces like that. I would suggest going forward with this guy that you do what you want to do – but be careful committing yourself to him. The quicker you are to commit, the quicker he’ll gain power over you. Never forget this :)

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Savannah October 6, 2014 at 8:25 pm

I have BPD & reading this gives me hope for a future that I was starting to lose. I’ve never been good at relationships, usually just friends w/ benefits except 1 marriage of 8 years that just eneded disastrously. I wonder if I’m too sensitive & if any guy out there would ever be willing to deal w/ me. Thank you for being a positive, compassionate voice towards those w/ BPD, it’s so hard to find especially online & many of us w/ BPD google for help & end up feeling 1,000 worse when all you see are websites about how nobody will ever love you.

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Rick October 7, 2014 at 4:27 pm

I see BPD’s as just normal human beings. I don’t judge because I see how disastrous it can be (like all those other websites). So my goal with my website is to help people feel positive moving forward, to help people gain that inner strength needed to be great in a relationship. I’ve dated BPD’s successfully because I was lucky enough to learn from people that had the experience. And now I have further educated myself and am passing on the knowledge :)

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Savannah October 8, 2014 at 5:55 pm

The judging really can have an agonizing affect when one is already so sensitive to pain. The simple gesture of validating & offering understanding can go a long way w/ a BPD..especially to put the crazy in check quick. I think many of us just search for that validation & simply wish the other person could understand how we feel. Idk I was about to write off relationships, but after reading this & the comments I see I don’t have to be perfect to try again. Although I realize how important it is to be self aware & now that I’m actually working on myself I hope for a better outcome…now just have to find other dudes who actually think like this…still working on not picking the wrong guys but that’s another issue ;-)

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I Just Need Help October 27, 2014 at 7:16 am

I’ve been doing research on this disorder for a whole week and I’m not really finding things that answer specifically what I’m looking for so I was hoping that maybe you could help me Rick.
I got into a relationship with this girl quickly after she had gotten out of a relationship with her ex. So I’m assuming I was just a side person, or someone she had no intentions of being in a serious relationship with, someone she was using to get over her ex. I’m not sure, cause the truth isn’t really available to me. We talked for about 2 and a half months by her request she didn’t want to start dating until she felt she had gotten over her ex because she didn’t wanna hurt me. Which I thought was very considerate of her to be so aware of herself. So one day (September 8th) to be specific, she said she was ready to be in a relationship, I asked her out, we started dating and so on. The period of infatuation is probably the most obvious thing about our relationship, and I guess during this period she had also quickly painted her ex black and gave me, as well as all her friends and family, constant reminders of how stupid she was for being with her for so long, how badly she was treated in the relationship, how much she hated her ex, etc. etc. The list could go on for ever. Her ex during this time also got into a new relationship, which I’ve heard greatly upset her because she was extremely jealous of the other girl (saying she was so much prettier than her and a lot of stuff about body image and showing her lack of self-confidence.). Her and her ex were together for about 2 years I believe off and on with a lot of break ups and fights as I’m sure is the norm for relationships with BPD’s.
so October 17th rolls around and we’re laying in her bed after coming back from the movies and I see her get a text from her ex’s friend saying that her ex really misses her. I watched her reply with the usual response she gave me when it came to talking about her ex. “I’m done with her, I hate her, don’t wanna get back with her.” etc etc. But I guess that had more significance than I expected because October 20th she breaks up with me claiming “we’re not on the same page, and we jumped into the relationship too quickly, and she isn’t ready for something serious.” Of course I was immediately suspicious of why she had said that, because we communicated fairly well and to my knowledge we both had a pretty good understanding of the other person and were on the same page. From what I’ve read the past week though it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re on the same page as a BPD and that not be the case. So I sent her a rather lengthy text a couple days later (after I noticed she started ignoring me) asking if we could at least just talk so I could figure out what happened. She promised me it was nothing that I did, and in her words exactly “It’s just me.”
During the four months of our “relationship” we never once had a fight. She’s also diagnosed with bipolar disorder I believe, and when she would snap and get angry at me for no reason she would very quickly apologize and get upset with herself for being rude. Something I really liked about her was that she was always self-aware. She could tell me aspects of her and her disorder that she understood really well, and I greatly appreciated it. She told me once that she might break up with me because she’ll just get lost in her head and think it’s the best option. When she told me “it’s just me” my first thought was that all of this just had something to do with her disorder and that she had probably started feeling engulfed and just needed space. Since then text I’ve only text her once, which probably wasn’t a great idea, saying “I can’t believe you left me for her.” in hopes that it might make her feel guilty about hurting me.
She’s blocked me on Instagram (the immediate day of)
and because I accidentally unfollowed her on Tumblr the other day she unfollowed me back.
She’s constantly reblogging posts now about how in love she is with her ex, how she wants her to stay so she can be a better person, and maybe get married one day, no one else will ever make her feel the way her ex does. etc. etc. I’m trying to analyze it as another infatuation period, but again I just don’t know what to think.
I guess this whole long post is adding up to me asking what I should expect to happen? She and her ex have broken up a million times before, and everyone I’ve spoken to has told me it’ll just be a matter of time.
But should I expect her to try and come back to me if things don’t work out between them?
Should I try and reason with her if she does come back?
I just want a better understanding of her if possible, and of the relationship and all that.
As stupid as it is of me, I’m willing to take her back because I just wanna show her that she deserves better and can actually be with someone who understands her disorder more and is willing to put forth all the effort necessary. I’d be very willing to go to therapy, (she already is individually) and I can deal with all the ups and downs that happen in relationships like this.
I apologize for this lengthy message, I’ve just been very lost lately and I’m unsure of what even to think and you seemed like the best person to get advice from. I really really hope you can help me.
-G

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