5 Signs Your BPD or Bipolar Relationship Will Fail

by Rick on 08/15/2014 · 47 comments

in Bipolar,BPD,Relationships

bpd bipolar relationship mistakes

If there’s anyone that understands what it’s like to date someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) or Bipolar disorder, its me. My first girlfriend had both BPD and Bipolar.

As you can guess, my first introduction into relationships was quite a wild one. But I learned a lot from it and for that I am thankful.

Dating someone with any type of behavioral issue can be a daunting task if you are not prepared. If you’re simply looking for a calm, relaxing experience, then it’s best you avoid these types of people.

However, if you find the fun and excitement far outweighs the drama that can come about, then I’m glad you found my website because my passion is helping both men and women succeed in dating people with behavioral issues such as BPD and Bipolar.

Because these people have usually had a rough and tumultuous upbringing, they tend to think differently, their emotions are constantly up and down, they have trouble with trust and commitment, and plenty of other various issues.

Here are what I believe to be the 5 biggest mistakes people make when dating a BPD or Bipolar person:

Mistake #1: The White Knight / Saviour Mentality

I’ve been coaching and communicating with my visitors like you for many years now. 99% of you have good hearts and want nothing but the best for your partner.

Unfortunately, a serious problem can arise out of this good-natured character and it’s what I call the “savior mentality” or the more popular term, the white knight. I’m sure you’ve heard this term used before.

What causes this is simply through our upbringing. We were taught to love deeply and care for others. So we meet this man or woman that’s a whirlwind of emotions, and we just can’t help but want to love them.

We can see that they have problems and through our love, we want to fix them and help them be happy. But this never works because despite all of your efforts, you continue to feel unloved, neglected, hurt, alone, confused and more.

The answer to this very common mistake is that people are simply uneducated about relationships. The reality is that people don’t want other’s to save them. We simply want to be respected, we want our voices heard, we want to feel important. But we don’t want to be saved.

To fix this mistake, stop trying to save people and instead just be supportive of who they are, what they’re doing and encourage them to chase after their dreams.

Instead of always rushing to his or side, instead of apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong, instead of being a phone call away, focus on yourself and put your passions and desires FIRST.

White knighting/trying to be a problem fixer is the biggest relationship mistake you can make which is why I’ve gone into depth about it here. So take a look at yourself and if you feel like 90% of your thoughts are fixed on your partner, then it’s time to make some real change.

Mistake #2: Reacting, Fighting and Arguing

First of all, I don’t want you to think that you should never fight or argue or react. It always depends on the situation. However, most people fight and argue about small, petty things that don’t really matter.

Let’s say that you’re a woman dating a BPD man. These men have fragile egos and will protect them and defend themselves even when they’ve been proven to be wrong.

So if you’ve gotten your point across and he’s simply being irrational at this point, there’s really no point in continuing to fight. You are much better off saying “Let’s just agree to disagree, I don’t need anymore stress today.” and leave it at that.

It’s very important that you do not play the passive-aggressive role with these types of people. They are more likely to play it on you so don’t just feed the fire.

I personally like to confront people when they’re being passive-aggressive. I’m not afraid to get in someone’s face and have them say what they’re holding back.

Communication is very important in relationships and if issues aren’t being brought to the surface, hell will break loose at a later time.

Now with that said, it is also important that you also have thick skin. You cannot be easily bothered by words and behavior. While I may be confrontational at times, it is only for serious situations where I know there’s a problem.

Don’t be the guy that gets all butt hurt because your girlfriend didn’t text you back right away. No woman on the planet likes that man! Brush it off and hit her up again the next day. Give her space.

Mistake #3: Out of Control Emotions and Investment

I talked about this topic extensively in my controlling your emotions article so please check that out after reading this one.

But emotional control is very important and this ties in with having thick skin. You may be the type of person that is bothered by slow texting and slow communication in general.

You really need to discipline yourself on not being affected by this. Or at least don’t let this cause you to react and overreact.

The most unattractive behavior (for me) is when a woman overreacts over something I believe is small and harmless.

Now she may argue that she doesn’t believe what I did is small and harmless. My response to that is to have some thicker skin. And this goes both ways for men and women.

A lot of you are weak and easily shaken up by words and actions. The fact that a girl not responding to a text is causing men to create entire forums on the internet about that shows you how easily affected men have become by such small things.

So I highly recommend that you focus a lot of your time and effort on your own emotional control and strength instead of investing so much time and energy into dating and relationships.

The people that discover their “zen point” as I call it are the most attractive people on the planet. They work hard on themselves, they’re usually successful, they’ve got people that hate on them, but nothing slows them down because they’ve mastered their emotions and behavior.

This is the biggest issue for those of us that may suffer from co-dependency, a serious issue that I will be addressing on this blog and releasing a book on it soon. It is incredibly important that you focus on your feelings first! If you find yourself sad and depressed because of what your partner is doing, you have codependency issues and you need help! Again, I will be addressing this soon to fix you up.

If you’re interested in me personally assisting you with your relationship situation, join the Community today and ask me anything you need to improve your situation.

Mistake #4: No Personal Boundaries

This is a common mistake men make when they’re dating a BPD girl. You may feel like you have found a woman that finally unlocks your inner desires and fantasies only to be left in the dust soon after.

What causes this? Why is it that something that felt so great turned to absolute hell out of no where?

The answer is that while you were high on your emotions and fulfilling your desires, you were actually falling for a facade, a fantasy that your woman could no longer hold together.

You see, BPD’s play into your fantasy desires. They’re very good at not being their true selves. You dropped all your defenses and boundaries and everything for this fantasy figure.

As you know, a BPD can’t keep this facade forever. Eventually they crack and their true self is exposed, a deep, troubled soul. You refuse to believe it so you work hard on getting things back to the way they were before.

Now the reason this facade won you over is because you failed to establish your own personal boundaries that prevent fakeness from affecting you.

It’s important that you understand this point. It’s usually something you can only learn thru experience but I still see guys falling for this time after time after time.

There is a lot of behavior that you shouldn’t accept such as honeymoon periods, being ‘in love’ when you haven’t even been with each other for that long, wanting to get married after just a few months, needing financial support, etc. I have a lot of horror stories.

Mistake #5: Lack of Self-Respect

This mistake, like all the others, builds off of the previous mistake with a lack of boundaries. When you fail to establish boundaries for your life in general, you’re basically saying you have no respect for yourself.

Did you read my article on self-respect for BPD relationships? It’s my most popular article for a reason.

Self-respect is something you must build on your own, over time. It is something that you will continue to build until the day you die.

There are certain things in life that you should and shouldn’t ever accept. You’d be surprised how many people continue to stay with a partner that constantly berates them, lies to them, steals, cheats and more.

Have a little self-respect. If a girl I’m dating gives me attitude or disrespects me, I have no problem walking away. There’s plenty of women out there.

Conclusion

One of your life-long goals in life should be to always be your best self. You need to work every single day on improving yourself. It can be little things here and there. Just make sure you’re doing things daily that will make you better.

When you are always working on being better, you’ll develop insane levels of self-respect and people will simply love you for it.

The reason why I am able to date BPD and Bipolar women is because I always put myself first in the relationship.

I know it sounds selfish, but it’s a good selfish. It means I always stick to my boundaries and I establish a level of respect that she knows she shouldn’t cross early on.

Doing so is what will make you extremely attractive and keep your partners well-behaved and committed to you for the long haul. Check out my BPD Relationship Success program if you want some quick, advanced strategies for learning this stuff.

What other mistakes do you know that people consistently make in BPD/Bipolar relationships?

 

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

malmn March 7, 2013 at 6:33 am

I went out with a BPD for 9 months.
I made all of the mistakes above.

I think there’s something that you are ignoring: No man can be a strong rock forever.
And seriously, who wants to deal with that shit, the control for power, for the rest of their lives??
Who in their right mind would want to manage this shit?

Dude, I read a bunch of your articles (they are great!) and I would leave your BPD GF as soon as you can, especially considering that you currently have the upper hand and your head and heart are OK.

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Mike December 20, 2013 at 2:39 pm

I have what i now believe to be a Bpd friend. I was that ‘rock’ for her when she really needed somebody.

Trouble is this year i made the big mistake of becoming emotionally involved with her and i now fancy her-but i can see she doesn’t care about anybody elses feelings-its all about HER.

I cant see how you can fall in love with somebody yet remain emotionally detached and therefore weakened.

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Jane April 9, 2013 at 3:59 am

I saw my ex off and on, for over a year – distant and guarded a lot of the time, egotistical and everything was everyone else’s fault in his eyes. Little did I know he was doing drugs, met another woman, also bipolar who also does drugs. He treated his family with such lack of regard, always letting them and me, down. All we ever received from him in return for our love was just slyness, deceit and self-absorption. I realise what a lucky escape I had even though the end was painful, almost like kicking a bad habit! Would I date another bipolar guy? NO WAY! Life’s too short to put yourself through all of that – do yourselves a favour!

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Allen April 16, 2013 at 12:11 pm

As a young man with bipolar disorder, I agree with most of what this article says.

Now this may seem weird coming from a person who suffers from this mental disease himself, but the first piece of advice I would give to anyone considering getting into a relationship with someone with bipolar is DON’T!. It is simply not worth the trouble. Find someone else. It naturally gets much trickier if you’ve already been with that person for a while and grown attached before you get to know about their condition. That is a judgment call you have to make depending on how precious the relationship is to you – and here I might add, many partners cling on in a noble attempt at “white knighting”. It generally DOES NOT pay.

I personally have never told any of my partners about my condition and I never will. Not even if its a long-time relationship – I’m selfish enough to know that despite all the “be honest” exhortations, its the fastest way to kill a budding relationship. I mean to be perfectly candid, I would never consider going out with a girl that had this disease and I certainly wouldn’t date anyone out of sympathy.

Bipolar disorder has led me to wreck some of the most precious relationships in my life. It is incredibly destructive, a veritable acid or cancer to a relationship. My experience is that most bipolar people need to figure out what level of social interaction is optimal for them. They should certainly not become reclusive (that’s one of the worst things to do in such a condition), but don’t bite off more than you can chew. For example, I love kids but I know in my heart that there is little chance I would be a good father, much less a good husband. But I do enjoy the company of friends and I do enjoy dating many women. Anything deeper than that and I know based on past data that all bets will be off. Maybe someday I will manage well enough to be able to take on more depth in relationships but for now I struggle just to cope taking care of my self and not hurting or abusing others. As in many other situations in life, the key is to know yourself, your strengths and your limitations. Just as an arthritis patient would not realistically think about running a marathon, bipolar disease people should be realistic about their chances in life at relationships. Take one step at a time.

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Rick April 20, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Well stated, thanks for the comment :) I will add that in order to date anyone with a personality disorder, you’ve got to have think skin. A lot of what I teach here is helping guys develop that think skin and to not take things personally. But it’s hard to reach that point which I understand. It’s taken me years to realize this truth. And now I’m spreading the good word.

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Dee September 2, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Allen, very helpful words there. Wish they weren’t so true

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RV July 27, 2014 at 9:35 am

Hi Allen,

It’s all spot on. I hope you can grace me with your time. I have few questions regarding my marriage with a BPD husband.

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps a lot.

Darlin

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What'sGoingOn? May 1, 2013 at 4:21 pm

I’ve been in a relationship for about 2 months with this amazing guy who has bipolar, and I’m getting more and more convinced that I might have borderline personality disorder. So now what?

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Rick May 10, 2013 at 4:09 pm

You probably don’t have any issues. These people are good at making YOU feel crazy. You’re probably okay. The best advice I can offer in a comment is to not react to their bull crap.

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Chris July 14, 2013 at 8:31 pm

Really like your straightforwardness about this type of relationship . I been w a woman for 2 years we are a same sex relationship.
I was searching via google within the first year at what was going on w my partner. Why she would blame, argue ,call names, hit, threaten and so on.
I finally kept coming into web sites on bpd and when the moment was safe I told her. She had some serious doubts since it was all me that has the problem. But she is now in DBT and working on herself but it is still a constant struggle . I’m constantly having to leave my home because she taunts me w accusations, criticism , and blame when she is in her episodes . Yet it feels like just straight up meanness !! I love her w all of me but I find I need time to recover and to refind my feelings that I feel for her because I get gaurded and resentful . Well just a bit of my story I’m not a saint but I’m definetly not the monster she says I am. I am needing help to keep our lives from going into the trash can.

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Ann September 2, 2013 at 5:01 am

Hi Rick,
Im just wondering if I could possibly get some advice from you, I mean I’ve read your posts here about bipolar…
I met this guy and dated for a month (only), everything seemed perfect in beginning of our dates, and till that end it was good, only lasted for a month, he decided to not continue two days before I was with him, we were so happy and I didn’t expect him to have a relationship with another girl two days after we spent the night together.. He says his feelings come and go… :( but prior to that he was so sure I’m the right girl for him… Is it common for bp to leave just like that ? I know it’s only one month but I fell for him.. :/ i feel I’ve got codependency as well… :( i am trying to forget him to think its only a month, but that one month felt like forever. We chat everyday, going to movies, dinners, dates, I remember one night we were out on a dinner date, he said he can kneel in front of me to ask me to be his gf, that he’s sure I’m the right girl for him… I fell for him in a month, I just couldn’t believe what he’s done, that two nights ago we were together and happy, then two days after he’s in a relationship with another girl and messaged me that his feelings come and go that it’s best to stop communication…. I just don’t get how a person can change their feelings in two days, :( he’s obviously lied to me when he said he won’t date other while we’re dating… :(

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Rick September 3, 2013 at 6:53 am

Yea the problem is you guys hung out way too often too early. This route is the extreme route – it will either work out really well for the long run or it will end abruptly and you’ll get hurt. In the future, you’ve got to take relationships at a much slower pace. Don’t be so eager to get into a relationship. A mega red flag that you need to be aware of in the future is when someone is saying how you’re the right person and how they are in love with you and it’s only been a few weeks lol…

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Ann September 4, 2013 at 6:34 am

Thank you for the advice Rick. I’ll have to do that when someone comes along In the future. I still can’t forget this guy even though it’s been three weeks since his last message. But I am feeling bit better as days go by. Sometimes I wish I should have Listened to my friend when she said something is not right from that first week we dated but still I went for it so now I ended up getting hurt.

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Dawn November 1, 2013 at 5:05 pm

Hi All,
I have been married to my BP husband for 11 years, he was only diagnosed 5 months ago, but our life has been hell for over 6 years since the mental illness took hold (he also suffers from OCD, Anxiety etc). We have two children together. I have tried endlessly to be there for him and have made ALL of the mistakes listed above. Before his illness took over, we were very, very happy together. He is proposing we stay together for the sake of the kids, but I don’t think this is a good idea. He often tells me ‘it’s over’ for him, but he also can’t bear the thought of being responsible for breaking up our family and hurting me anymore than he already has. He says I am an amazing wife and appreciates all I have done for him, but he just doesn’t see that there is any hope of getting back what we used to have. Then other days he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I keep saying that living a lie is a lifetime of hurt and unless he can commit to working on the marriage it won’t work. He is committed to taking his meds, and see his dr regularly. I don’t know if there is any hope here? He is currently living on his own away from the family home. I took a stand in the spring and told him he had to get his act together or we were done. Shortly after this, he was given the BP diagnosis. Everything I read suggests I run for the hills, but I still love this man, and we have been together almost 20 years, have built a life together. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated. Thanks folks.

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Rick November 10, 2013 at 9:59 am

Again this further proves that BPD isn’t hard to deal with by itself. It only becomes difficult when there are other diagnosis added on like bipolar or OCD or anxiety, etc. There are always other issues it seems. Anyway, space is always the best thing for these situations. Just let him do his thing, make him come to you. Do not be a pushover as you need to keep your respect!

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Chris November 22, 2013 at 6:46 am

Hi Rick,

I have made all the same mistakes that you have talked about. Me and my ex BPD had a big fight, she now lives with her mom. I been trying to reach out to here but nothing seems to be working. We had a great conversation the other night about just being there for my daughter and working on our selves; then she raged about the fight we had. She hung up in face and i tried to call her back. What should I do and will she come back ?

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Rick December 2, 2013 at 3:20 pm

When a girl hangs up on you, don’t call her back. That’s just retarded. Why are you chasing her? I don’t teach you guys to chase women around here so please stop doing it. Let her come to you, go find someone else in the meantime. Big world, lots of fish in the sea.

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lisa December 18, 2013 at 2:19 pm

hi i started seeing a lad who is bipolar i knew this right from the start, we would talk every day through texts n see each other once or twice a week, recently we spent our first night together, since then he has said he feels messy in his head and hoping its not because of me, communication is pretty minimal right now just the odd text here and there, im confused as to if he wants me to hang on or let go , letting go is not what i want but need to do what is right for him, im unsure how to go about this conversation with him without confusing him or messing his head up even more :(

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Dave January 12, 2014 at 6:35 am

Hi Rick,

I recently went through a really painful and confusing break-up with my ex girlfriend due to manic-bipolar. I’m 33 and she is 28. We met online when she contacted me in May of last year. She was in hospital at the time getting tests/blood tests for a couple of weeks but was eventually let home and she moved back to my home city to be close with her family and start a new job. We started dating soon after that and hit things off quite quickly but I always let things go at her pace. She was incredibly giving, affectionate and passionate with me even bringing me gifts for my house and coming over to cook me wonderful dinners if I was stressed after a long days work. We had loads in common loving the outdoors, cooking, martial arts etc and everything felt effortless between us. I did notice some scaring on her upper arms but she does landscape gardening as a job and is a bit clumsy at times so i assumed that was from the job. We made plans for Xmas and she invited me to attend her Xmas party dinner with her and spoke about going on a trip someone together in the new year. She was excited about getting a new flat so we could spend more time together and I helped her move house once she got the keys. In November a few days before i was due to come stay with her we are texting/talking on phone as normal saying that she misses me etc and then literally a few hours later is breaking up with me on the phone saying she can’t do this anymore and is only going to end up hurting me, her head isn’t in the right place and has things going on at home she can’t talk about. She ends the call by hanging up and breaking down as she says ‘bye’.

We don’t talk for a week or so and chat eventually but she says she feels terrible about how she handled things and that there are things she finds too difficult to talk about. Just before Xmas we chat again and I notice she was already back to online dating and has a new photo up on facebook of her and a new boyfriend a month after we split up. She messaged me saying that she is going to tell me the truth about things that she never wanted to talk about – she is manic bipolar and rapidly self destructive and took a turn for the worse at her mums house and attempted some really stupid things resulting in her mum taking her back to hospital. She said she had to end things with me after that as she didn’t want to end up hurting me and would never have got involved with me had she known her condition was going to cause problems again. Finished by saying this was very hard for me to tell and that the guy in the photos was someone she met after coming out of hospital.

If she was so worried about hurting me then how can she just jump into another relationship like nothing happened and not worry about hurting the new guy? Are things going to be different with him? I just feel devastated that she showed me so much affection and built me up as this great boyfriend to then just do a 180 and replace me with a new guy. Is this normal for for someone with manic bipolar disorder? I know I should be thankful this happened but why do i feel so hurt by something that only lasted 4 months?

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Darlin July 27, 2014 at 9:51 am

Yes. That guy is going to suffer the same thing. I met my so called husband/
exhusband after 4 months of marriage. I love this guy to death but he is the one now giving up after so many attempts of him to work our marriage. He loves me and I love him but he said the extreme hurting of each other must stop. Isn’t it awful? The person you have accepted and love is gone because of the condition. My heart just drops now.

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Rick August 3, 2014 at 12:05 am

Sorry to hear. But you need to stop putting blame on the condition. I know it’s 2014 and we live in a society that likes to take zero responsibility for things, but believe me that if your man decided to be a man, your marriage may have succeeded. Thanks for the comment!

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Aaron February 3, 2014 at 6:13 pm

Hi Rick. I’ve been dating a BPD woman for about 6 months now. Todays actually the first day I’ve done research online about a successful relationship with this disorder. She’s truly an incredible person who has a heart of gold, but when its bad, its absolutely horrible. Through my own trial and error of putting myself in her shoes for the past 6 months I’ve became stronger than I ever have. My hardest struggle is letting her go when I don’t understand why she’s became upset. To top everything off, she’s also 20 weeks pregnant with our child. I’ve learned that arguing almost anything that comes up is the worst thing to do and to wait until she has became calm after the initial confrontation to discuss anything. I’ve literally been to hell and back with this relationship, but its the true person I see inside of her that keeps me here.

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ED March 7, 2014 at 3:47 pm

I.m convinced that most bpd have axis 11 borderline, I see some sort of sociopathic behaviors as well

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Sam March 10, 2014 at 12:12 pm

Been in long (on and off) relationship with “difficult” person. Noticed that we never could get close. Anything that required vulnerability on her part was deflected in some way. Blaming, irritability, low, palpable anger (counselor even said so), inability to be alone (5 BFs), is “observant” and proud of it, no (real) friends, manipulation by instilling fear (lose of relationship/sex) Well, the best time I ever had with her was when I just “stopped.” Mostly due to exhaustion, but mostly due to smartening up. I didnt chase or argue. And I hold my ground (btw-calls me “stubborn”). She’s on to new BF – but still sends smoke signals. These types will test one’s resolve, but like children, they respect inner strength. And she was my best teacher. Good advice on here. Be prepared to leave and do so if need be.

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winnie March 12, 2014 at 12:45 pm

I think my friend has BPD. The last three years has been one hell of a rollercoaster…One day I opened up to her to tell her that I was feeling sad bec I was getting insecure ON THAT DAY…hormonal. Next thing I know she sends me a text saying we are too close and it makes her uncomfortable…So I gave her space. last week someone we know died..I went to console her at her daughter’s swim meet. She obviously did not want me there. I left one hour later…and now back to cold shoulder. she’s never going to be normal!!!!

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Rick April 10, 2014 at 6:52 pm

Actually, you screwed up here. BPD’s don’t like to hear about your feelings. Women in general don’t like to hear this stuff. It’s weak. So, I personally choose to not express my feelings and while girls I date ‘complain’ about it, they never actually friend zone me or anything like that because of it. I believe that being mysterious about your feelings is crucial to dating women, especially a BPD. Women will hate me for saying this though lol but it’s true. Women love a man that doesn’t ever reveal their feelings.

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Fiva March 29, 2014 at 11:57 am

Dear

I just want to say that despite all negativeness you find about relationships with BDPs, I must say that it is just partly true. The other part is that-there is always a way of handling it with a rational and warm behavior. I personally managed to find an optimal way to fight with the issue without taking everything personally and against me. My relationship with a BDP was critical, but I educated myself and I really tried to see where was the problem. Communication is very important in those moments of fear. Be calm and understandable in the way you would like to be listened in your difficult moments.

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Jim April 13, 2014 at 11:25 am

I have been in a co-dependent relationship with a bpd woman for a little over a year. Made all the classic mistakes. Rode the roller-coaster, beat my head against her wall, dealt with the sudden weird rages and all that. That’s my fault. Thought I could fix it.
Then my father died. If you really want to see a BPD in all their “glory” just have a need for compassion and support. She started a fight before the funeral, then said my mourning was self pity.
I’m done. I’m packing all my shit and moving back to my old apt where I’d turned off my power and sitting in the dark until I get paid.
It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least. The fight before the funeral really was the last straw. But I don’t blame her. I blame me for putting up with it. Won’t happen again. Thanks for the articles

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Mary July 8, 2014 at 1:24 am

I don’t think that being sad or depressed as a result of what your partner says or does is necessarily a result of codependency. It is just a natural, human response and when you are close to someone it is sometimes inevitable.

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Rick July 24, 2014 at 10:34 pm

Well I disagree because if you’ve got control over your own emotions and you’re not DEPENDENT on your lover, then you shouldn’t be feeling long periods of depression over BPD behavior. It’s all about educating yourself and putting yourself first. If you disagree with that, then you’re codpendent :)

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Guy August 20, 2014 at 2:07 am

Hi there I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I lost the love of my life due to my bpd behaviours my ex tried to save me from a horrible life I was experiencing. Due to my white and black thinking treating my partner like shit such as 1 moment putting him on a pedalstoll and the next running him into the dirt. I was still in denial that I had BPD. I loved Him heaps and still do today . There was a recommended treatment but being poor I couldn’t afford to use the private system and there was a long public waiting list for dialectacle behaviour therapy
I cheated on him a numerous amount of times to satisfy my pain of abbondoment. When he said he would leave me I would threaten to kill myself entrapping him. In the end the relationship came to a sad end it ended in a physical fight which resulted in police attendance and an family violence order was taken out. I had another guy lined up already so I didn’t feel abandoned but that relationship didn’t last long due to an argument I was attacked by him and I had to get an Family violence protection order against him. After that I felt the full effects of abandonment and as a result I attempted suicide 4 times because of the end of my relationships

I will admit as a result I have now accepted I have BPD and am seeking treatment

Feel free to comment or ask

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Rick August 22, 2014 at 7:33 pm

First of all, thanks for the comment. However, while it’s easy to say that you have BPD, you actually have much more going on then just that. I’ve met and know plenty of BPD’s that don’t cheat or fight or whatever. This is why the BPD label is lame. As an adult, you have control over the choices you make. It’s your choice to sleep with other guys, it’s your choice to fight and treat him like shit. I’m just glad that you’re finally taking responsibility as that is the first step to healing.

DBT therapy doesn’t work so don’t feel bad that you didn’t get in. What does work however is working on yourself, accepting responsibility (which you have), and seeking forgiveness. Healing comes from forgiveness, nothing more.

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thefirstbigk September 16, 2014 at 8:51 pm

I met a girl in a bar who needed a ride home because she had run off her date. I gave her a ride home and we talked all night. Long story short I became interested. She is very pretty. But as time went by I discovered she was frequently lying to me about what she was doing and who she was with. She behaved exactly as others have described in these comments. She hurts me and then apologizes. Rinse and repeat. I thought I could help. Mix in her self admitted bi-polar and alcoholic issue and what I consider an over medicated problem. I want her so bad but don’t know how to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy which she insjlts me. Lost cause or is there some way to save this? From my perspective I’m her best hope.

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Rick September 18, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Well the first thing you need to do is to stop trying to help her. She needs a man that’s not going to take crap from her, so when she’s lying and being a ****, you need to call her out and fight back with fire.

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Jane September 25, 2014 at 1:05 pm

Hi Rick,

I stumbled upon this website as I was looking up how to improve myself. I have BPD and am in a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years. We were living in the same city last year, and continued the relationship when he left the country last December. We weren’t initially going to do long distance but it became clear later on that I couldn’t be just a friend with a him.

We’ve been fighting a lot lately and I feel like it’s reaching the tipping point. I blame myself; a lot of insecurities, constantly asking him to reassure me that he still loves me, crying on the phone, etc. I’m beginning to even doubt if I really love him! I was so angry with all the little things when I saw him last month. I feel like I’ve become a different person and I don’t understand how I got here! It’s like I don’t know how to be in a relationship…which is so weird because we were good while living in the same city. It really makes me wonder why and how he can love me when I don’t even love myself. It makes me so sad that I’m constantly hurting him, but at the same time I can’t seem to let go. I know I really should; it would be better for the both of us.

He’s really good at setting boundaries but I have a hard time sticking to them. I don’t know how much more he can take…and I don’t know how much I can take! I can’t sleep, I’m so mopey, and I can’t focus on school.

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Rick September 30, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Hi Jane! I’m sorry to hear about all this. Your task going forward should definitely be about learning how to love yourself. If you don’t, it will just continue to tear down the relationship like you’ve noticed. Are there things in your past you can’t let go? Anything you need to forgive and move on? Is your diet healthy? Try going for a run every time you start having negative thoughts. This will get your blood flowing and clear your head. It will release hormones that will make you feel good and better about yourself. Let me know more details and I’ll be able to assist you further!

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Jayne October 17, 2014 at 12:21 pm

Hi Rick,

We ended up breaking up. I ended up cheating on him as I felt suffocated in the relationship and I didn’t know how to break up, as he would often start crying when I would bring up the topic. The problem is, I started to realize at the end that he may have been emotionally abusive towards me but I always excused it as the stress of the long distance, his personality or that my BPD made him to react this way. I’m not sure how I feel about this relationship…I feel guilty that I cheated and lost a guy in my life but I’m not sure if this is because of my abandonment issues. All my friends and parents told me that I needed to walk away ages ago because I was unhappy and he could be very cold towards me. Have you heard about BPDs in emotionally abusive relationships where the “sane” partner is actually the abusive one? I feel very damaged and vulnerable after this relationship and I’m left questioning myself more than I normally do…

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Rick October 21, 2014 at 4:12 pm

Hmm not sure I follow. If you cheated without breaking up with him, that makes you the ‘bad’ person of the two. But I personally don’t judge. I actually encourage women to leave and cheat if their male partners are being emotionally abusive d bags. So by all means don’t feel bad if you feel like it was justified.

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Dean October 11, 2014 at 3:40 am

Hi: I met a 25 year old bipolar woman and we dated for 6 months. It had the classic intense affection and declaration of soulmate eternal love. Now, I must state that I am 52 so there was a big age difference. However, our relationship worked and we never felt that the age gap mattered. During this utopian time, we never had any issues. At the end of the 6 months, the only mistake I made was I violated her trust by asking if she was talking to another guy on her phone. Yes, I admit that I demonstrated jealousy and it is an issue in any relationship. But her reaction was “I am out. I have to look out for number one.” She left the house and never rescinded her decision. We had lots of text/email dialouge for a few months. Stupid me,checks her Facebook profile, and there she is with a new guy, professing the same intense love she had given me. She said that she met him 6 weeks after our breakup, but his name showed up on her Facebook as “likes” of her various pictures immediately after he left me, so I know she is not telling the full truth. It’s been four months and I am still hurting. I asked her several times after our separation, if it was my violating her trust that led to her decision and that I would even seek counselling to save things. She said, “No, that it was annoying, but the age thing led to my decision. I have spent alot of time ruminating and blaming myself for the break up because I truly feel the violation of trust was the real reason, not the age. We don’t have any contact anymore because I made all the classic mistakes after the breakup by contacting her and professing my love, and I missed her, and had great plans for our future, etc. She basically told me to leave her alone and she is walking away and that she is weighing as to whether our relationship was positive or negative at this point. I am still devastated and believe it or not, still have a sliver of hope that she will once again be in my arms.

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Rick October 14, 2014 at 12:44 pm

She isn’t coming back so it’s time to focus on moving forward and to stop living in the past. I believe the age thing was why she left. At the end of the day, a woman wants to be with a man closer to her age because then he’ll be around a lot longer. Sorry but you just need to get over this and move forward. I have plenty of articles on here to help you with that.

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Nicky P October 12, 2014 at 3:28 am

Hey Rick,
Very good article regarding how one should look after themselves when in a relationship with someone suffering with any kind of mental illness.
I say ‘suffer’ as that is exactly what’s happening. My partner/fiance is ill, she has BP II combined with PTSD.
Long story but have known this girl (34) since we were kids in our village although our age gap at the time dictated that she was much too young although I thought she was cute. That’s me.
I’d say that due to childhood sexually abuse, parents that never accepted her pain, never supported her and told her it wasn’t her fault, led her to feel how she does today. An amazingly beautiful girl in her teens, her first experience of ‘life’ was abuse. So in my opinion in her head she thought that this was the way to roll, pleasing people and not realising she was never in control. This manifests into extreme insecurity, knowing something is wrong but not quite sure what. Teenage years resulted in her first highs, pregnancy and attracting the wrong types of men. Physically assaulted by men who sense the emotional insecurity and need to feel loved. An easy target. This continues into her 20′s, depression, hypomanic…. Up and down until one day she is left for dead by someone who led her to believe he was a lovely bloke. He is released from jail after only one year. She flees back to her parents where I bumped into her after being abroad for ten years plus. That was four years ago, we are now engaged.
What I’m saying I think is that due to a multitude of scenarios, family,relationships, abuse and the feeling of being let down by the judicial system, she is extremely fragile. The pain is constant, the self medication rears it’s ugly head once in a while and support and understanding is needed.

I agree with everything you say about looking after yourself as I am guilty of all the above. But with educating myself, understanding that she has an illness, understanding that I’m sometimes talking to her illness and not her, understanding the need for her space, I have slowly been able to help her get the help she needs, medication and psychiatric.
When she’s down she’s down. You don’t have to say anything other than tell her that you hear her. I’ve made the mistake of trying to rationalise with her before. Only when she’s on an even keel can this be done. It’s important like you say to have a slightly deaf ear and slightly thick skin.
Education is the key. No its not easy, especially when there is a ten year old involved.
The chemical imbalance in the brain dictates moods.

I’ve blabbered on and forgotten my point. But Rick is right. Lookafter yourself. But if you want to help, then educate yourself. These people may not tell u they love u, or get up to do things with you. And it can feel lonely. But if u r in a longer term relationship I can tell you that yes they do love u tbrry much….they just can’t show you or tell u as due to their upbringing and what they’ve experienced they just don’t know how. In most cases they’ve never learnt to love themselves or be loved unconditionally.

I personally won’t walk away, but I do need to heed Ricks advice and find a balance.
Hope all this makes some sense?
Nick

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Rick October 14, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Yup just find that balance! I just wrote a new article that talks about maintaining that healthy balance outside of the relationship. Check it out!

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Nicky P October 12, 2014 at 3:33 am

In addition, medication van cause weight gain, which in turn causes more self loathing and agoraphobia. Why on earth do these people want to be with me they think. Hence the reasons for pushing u away. They don’t want to, they don’t feel worthy that’s all, so casual, non complicated relationships are easier.

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Stefan October 12, 2014 at 10:14 am

Hi,

I’ve found the articles on this site rather interesting as they take a different perspective on things. I have a question regarding the advice you provide on BPD partners: is it generally focused on BPDs who have at least acknowledged that they have the disorder and are working on it, or does it apply to even those still in denial?

I’ve recently broken up with my ex who I believe carries many BPD characteristics (and possibly bi-polar as well), and to this day she is in complete denial that there is anything wrong. She deflects blame of her actions onto others, doesn’t acknowledge her bad behaviour and believes in her mind that the entire relationship revolved around me (LOL – I just have to laugh at this as I bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods). She had unnecessary issues with my family members and often abused alcohol as a coping mechanism. She also has family issues with her own family and has been through many relationships.

I played the game of trying to “hear” her feelings and listen to her needs, when most of the time her feelings didn’t reflect the truth and her needs were impossible to fulfil. We even tried couples counselling, with us having to stop going each time because the sessions (more likely the truth) became too hard for her to handle. She would blame me for not expressing my feelings, but each time I did, I didn’t feel they were even genuinely heard, or it would result in an argument/fight. So ultimately I just withdrew. Nothing I did was ever enough and there was always some issue.

So I look back and realise I’m stronger now, more at peace and more healthy overall. My question is, why would anyone put up with this shit over the long term? And what would your advice have been had you been in this situation?? My advice for anyone in this situation is run for the f*&*ing hills.

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Rick October 14, 2014 at 12:37 pm

To answer your question, it doesn’t matter whether they deny it or not. This isn’t about her, it’s about you. The real reason your relationship failed is because you “bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods”. This is probably one of the least attractive things you can do as a male. So in future relationships, don’t do this and you’ll be seeing much more success :)

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CubanNiceGuy October 20, 2014 at 7:53 am

2 years ago I began to date a beauitful young woman with what she stated was only “Depression” at the time. When she told me this, I didn’t find any factor that would make me tuck tail and run the other way. I was “in love” and whatever I had to do to make this woman happy, I wanted to do.

This relationship ended only a year later and after a few months of already living together. Things took a turn for the worst and she became someone other then the woman I fell for a year prior.

Now after reading this article I see exactly what happened. Everything you listed here on what NOT to do, I did. I didn’t control my emotions with her and I wanted to be that White Knight, something I tend to do often in relationships.

Since our breakup, I wanted nothing more then to get back together with her. Before it all officially came to end, we even attempted to go to therapy but only after 2 sessions, she didn’t want to go anymore.

What I realize now is that when she met me, it seems like she was in her Manic phase. She was energetic, motivated, and all so attentive but that faded and arguments of pure petty issues took over. My mistake, was letting my emotions get involved but I simply couldn’t stand the fact that she constantly ran off to her friends or families when we had an argument instead of talking it out like adults. This was a peeve of mine that she was never able to change and now I see that it will never change.

Everyone said I was lucky to get out of the relationship, even though it was her choice to leave, but why can’t I shake it off after a year? I think about her all the time and most recently we began to chat via text for a moment. It started off great! We talked about our lives in the past year of not seeing each other and what we have done as well as our favorite TV shows. The conversations were easy and fun, but then the past came up and it all went to hell again. I explained how I took time to find myself and work on my own issues in a year. That this process has led me to see that there was a lot of emotional issues that I had to control in order to make any future commitment last. I thought that she would appreciate this but all it did for her was stir up her old feelings. Next thing I know she is back to reflecting her issues onto me without any acknoledgement of her own faults and actions during our relationship.

So now, after a year of wanting to talk to her, we did…and it’s left me stunned. Should I just walk away from this and just face the fact that the woman I met was just a facade as you stated? Or is it worth it to keep trying to remember the happiness? This is where I am lost because I truly do love her and want to be the ONLY support she has but all she does is push anyone who cares away. From family to friends, she attempts to go at things alone.

She has even recently told me that she has been drinking more often then not lately and it worries me. Should I be worried? Am I wrong or right to worry about he well being, even though she shows no sign of wanting to work this out? Is she doing this to save her own skin from hurt or trying to save me from anymore hurt due to her mental health?

Please guys, I need some info her before I make the wrong decision to either stick with it or walk away completely.

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Rick October 21, 2014 at 4:09 pm

Stop thinking about the past and instead focus on the future. Do you really see a future with this woman? Do you think things can work out? If so, then by all means go for it. Just make sure you have the skills and the knowledge needed to move things forward.

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