5 Signs Your BPD or Bipolar Relationship Will Fail

bpd bipolar relationship mistakes

If there’s anyone that understands what it’s like to date someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) or Bipolar disorder, its me. My first girlfriend had both BPD and Bipolar.

As you can guess, my first introduction into relationships was quite a wild one. But I learned a lot from it and for that I am thankful.

Dating someone with any type of behavioral issue can be a daunting task if you are not prepared. If you’re simply looking for a calm, relaxing experience, then it’s best you avoid these types of people.

However, if you find the fun and excitement far outweighs the drama that can come about, then I’m glad you found my website because my passion is helping both men and women succeed in dating people with behavioral issues such as BPD and Bipolar.

Because these people have usually had a rough and tumultuous upbringing, they tend to think differently, their emotions are constantly up and down, they have trouble with trust and commitment, and plenty of other various issues.

Here are what I believe to be the 5 biggest mistakes people make when dating a BPD or Bipolar person:

Mistake #1: The White Knight / Saviour Mentality

I’ve been coaching and communicating with my visitors like you for many years now. 99% of you have good hearts and want nothing but the best for your partner.

Unfortunately, a serious problem can arise out of this good-natured character and it’s what I call the “savior mentality” or the more popular term, the white knight. I’m sure you’ve heard this term used before.

What causes this is simply through our upbringing. We were taught to love deeply and care for others. So we meet this man or woman that’s a whirlwind of emotions, and we just can’t help but want to love them.

We can see that they have problems and through our love, we want to fix them and help them be happy. But this never works because despite all of your efforts, you continue to feel unloved, neglected, hurt, alone, confused and more.

The answer to this very common mistake is that people are simply uneducated about relationships. The reality is that people don’t want other’s to save them. We simply want to be respected, we want our voices heard, we want to feel important. But we don’t want to be saved.

To fix this mistake, stop trying to save people and instead just be supportive of who they are, what they’re doing and encourage them to chase after their dreams.

Instead of always rushing to his or side, instead of apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong, instead of being a phone call away, focus on yourself and put your passions and desires FIRST.

White knighting/trying to be a problem fixer is the biggest relationship mistake you can make which is why I’ve gone into depth about it here. So take a look at yourself and if you feel like 90% of your thoughts are fixed on your partner, then it’s time to make some real change.

Mistake #2: Reacting, Fighting and Arguing

First of all, I don’t want you to think that you should never fight or argue or react. It always depends on the situation. However, most people fight and argue about small, petty things that don’t really matter.

Let’s say that you’re a woman dating a BPD man. These men have fragile egos and will protect them and defend themselves even when they’ve been proven to be wrong.

So if you’ve gotten your point across and he’s simply being irrational at this point, there’s really no point in continuing to fight. You are much better off saying “Let’s just agree to disagree, I don’t need anymore stress today.” and leave it at that.

It’s very important that you do not play the passive-aggressive role with these types of people. They are more likely to play it on you so don’t just feed the fire.

I personally like to confront people when they’re being passive-aggressive. I’m not afraid to get in someone’s face and have them say what they’re holding back.

Communication is very important in relationships and if issues aren’t being brought to the surface, hell will break loose at a later time.

Now with that said, it is also important that you also have thick skin. You cannot be easily bothered by words and behavior. While I may be confrontational at times, it is only for serious situations where I know there’s a problem.

Don’t be the guy that gets all butt hurt because your girlfriend didn’t text you back right away. No woman on the planet likes that man! Brush it off and hit her up again the next day. Give her space.

Mistake #3: Out of Control Emotions and Investment

I talked about this topic extensively in my mastering your emotions article so please check that out after reading this one.

But emotional control is very important and this ties in with having thick skin. You may be the type of person that is bothered by slow texting and slow communication in general.

You really need to discipline yourself on not being affected by this. Or at least don’t let this cause you to react and overreact.

The most unattractive behavior (for me) is when a woman overreacts over something I believe is small and harmless.

Now she may argue that she doesn’t believe what I did is small and harmless. My response to that is to have some thicker skin. And this goes both ways for men and women.

A lot of you are weak and easily shaken up by words and actions. The fact that a girl not responding to a text is causing men to create entire forums on the internet about that shows you how easily affected men have become by such small things.

So I highly recommend that you focus a lot of your time and effort on your own emotional control and strength instead of investing so much time and energy into dating and relationships.

The people that discover their “zen point” as I call it are the most attractive people on the planet. They work hard on themselves, they’re usually successful, they’ve got people that hate on them, but nothing slows them down because they’ve mastered their emotions and behavior.

This is the biggest issue for those of us that may suffer from co-dependency, a serious issue that I will be addressing on this blog and releasing a book on it soon. It is incredibly important that you focus on your feelings first! If you find yourself sad and depressed because of what your partner is doing, you have codependency issues and you need help! Again, I will be addressing this soon to fix you up.

Mistake #4: No Personal Boundaries

This is a common mistake men make when they’re dating a BPD girl. You may feel like you have found a woman that finally unlocks your inner desires and fantasies only to be left in the dust soon after.

What causes this? Why is it that something that felt so great turned to absolute hell out of no where?

The answer is that while you were high on your emotions and fulfilling your desires, you were actually falling for a facade, a fantasy that your woman could no longer hold together.

You see, BPD’s play into your fantasy desires. They’re very good at not being their true selves. You dropped all your defenses and boundaries and everything for this fantasy figure.

As you know, a BPD can’t keep this facade forever. Eventually they crack and their true self is exposed, a deep, troubled soul. You refuse to believe it so you work hard on getting things back to the way they were before.

Now the reason this facade won you over is because you failed to establish your own personal boundaries that prevent fakeness from affecting you.

It’s important that you understand this point. It’s usually something you can only learn thru experience but I still see guys falling for this time after time after time.

There is a lot of behavior that you shouldn’t accept such as honeymoon periods, being ‘in love’ when you haven’t even been with each other for that long, wanting to get married after just a few months, needing financial support, etc. I have a lot of horror stories.

Mistake #5: Lack of Self-Respect

This mistake, like all the others, builds off of the previous mistake with a lack of boundaries. When you fail to establish boundaries for your life in general, you’re basically saying you have no respect for yourself.

Did you read my article on self-respect for BPD relationships? It’s my most popular article for a reason.

Self-respect is something you must build on your own, over time. It is something that you will continue to build until the day you die.

There are certain things in life that you should and shouldn’t ever accept. You’d be surprised how many people continue to stay with a partner that constantly berates them, lies to them, steals, cheats and more.

Have a little self-respect. If a girl I’m dating gives me attitude or disrespects me, I have no problem walking away. There’s plenty of women out there.

Conclusion

One of your life-long goals in life should be to always be your best self. You need to work every single day on improving yourself. It can be little things here and there. Just make sure you’re doing things daily that will make you better.

When you are always working on being better, you’ll develop insane levels of self-respect and people will simply love you for it.

The reason why I am able to date BPD and Bipolar women is because I always put myself first in the relationship.

I know it sounds selfish, but it’s a good selfish. It means I always stick to my boundaries and I establish a level of respect that she knows she shouldn’t cross early on.

Doing so is what will make you extremely attractive and keep your partners well-behaved and committed to you for the long haul. Check out my BPD Relationship Success program if you want some quick, advanced strategies for learning this stuff.

What other mistakes do you know that people consistently make in BPD/Bipolar relationships?

 

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Comments

  1. malmn says

    I went out with a BPD for 9 months.
    I made all of the mistakes above.

    I think there’s something that you are ignoring: No man can be a strong rock forever.
    And seriously, who wants to deal with that shit, the control for power, for the rest of their lives??
    Who in their right mind would want to manage this shit?

    Dude, I read a bunch of your articles (they are great!) and I would leave your BPD GF as soon as you can, especially considering that you currently have the upper hand and your head and heart are OK.

    • Mike says

      I have what i now believe to be a Bpd friend. I was that ‘rock’ for her when she really needed somebody.

      Trouble is this year i made the big mistake of becoming emotionally involved with her and i now fancy her-but i can see she doesn’t care about anybody elses feelings-its all about HER.

      I cant see how you can fall in love with somebody yet remain emotionally detached and therefore weakened.

  2. Jane says

    I saw my ex off and on, for over a year – distant and guarded a lot of the time, egotistical and everything was everyone else’s fault in his eyes. Little did I know he was doing drugs, met another woman, also bipolar who also does drugs. He treated his family with such lack of regard, always letting them and me, down. All we ever received from him in return for our love was just slyness, deceit and self-absorption. I realise what a lucky escape I had even though the end was painful, almost like kicking a bad habit! Would I date another bipolar guy? NO WAY! Life’s too short to put yourself through all of that – do yourselves a favour!

  3. Allen says

    As a young man with bipolar disorder, I agree with most of what this article says.

    Now this may seem weird coming from a person who suffers from this mental disease himself, but the first piece of advice I would give to anyone considering getting into a relationship with someone with bipolar is DON’T!. It is simply not worth the trouble. Find someone else. It naturally gets much trickier if you’ve already been with that person for a while and grown attached before you get to know about their condition. That is a judgment call you have to make depending on how precious the relationship is to you – and here I might add, many partners cling on in a noble attempt at “white knighting”. It generally DOES NOT pay.

    I personally have never told any of my partners about my condition and I never will. Not even if its a long-time relationship – I’m selfish enough to know that despite all the “be honest” exhortations, its the fastest way to kill a budding relationship. I mean to be perfectly candid, I would never consider going out with a girl that had this disease and I certainly wouldn’t date anyone out of sympathy.

    Bipolar disorder has led me to wreck some of the most precious relationships in my life. It is incredibly destructive, a veritable acid or cancer to a relationship. My experience is that most bipolar people need to figure out what level of social interaction is optimal for them. They should certainly not become reclusive (that’s one of the worst things to do in such a condition), but don’t bite off more than you can chew. For example, I love kids but I know in my heart that there is little chance I would be a good father, much less a good husband. But I do enjoy the company of friends and I do enjoy dating many women. Anything deeper than that and I know based on past data that all bets will be off. Maybe someday I will manage well enough to be able to take on more depth in relationships but for now I struggle just to cope taking care of my self and not hurting or abusing others. As in many other situations in life, the key is to know yourself, your strengths and your limitations. Just as an arthritis patient would not realistically think about running a marathon, bipolar disease people should be realistic about their chances in life at relationships. Take one step at a time.

    • Rick says

      Well stated, thanks for the comment :) I will add that in order to date anyone with a personality disorder, you’ve got to have think skin. A lot of what I teach here is helping guys develop that think skin and to not take things personally. But it’s hard to reach that point which I understand. It’s taken me years to realize this truth. And now I’m spreading the good word.

    • RV says

      Hi Allen,

      It’s all spot on. I hope you can grace me with your time. I have few questions regarding my marriage with a BPD husband.

      Thank you for sharing your story. It helps a lot.

      Darlin

  4. What'sGoingOn? says

    I’ve been in a relationship for about 2 months with this amazing guy who has bipolar, and I’m getting more and more convinced that I might have borderline personality disorder. So now what?

    • Rick says

      You probably don’t have any issues. These people are good at making YOU feel crazy. You’re probably okay. The best advice I can offer in a comment is to not react to their bull crap.

  5. Chris says

    Really like your straightforwardness about this type of relationship . I been w a woman for 2 years we are a same sex relationship.
    I was searching via google within the first year at what was going on w my partner. Why she would blame, argue ,call names, hit, threaten and so on.
    I finally kept coming into web sites on bpd and when the moment was safe I told her. She had some serious doubts since it was all me that has the problem. But she is now in DBT and working on herself but it is still a constant struggle . I’m constantly having to leave my home because she taunts me w accusations, criticism , and blame when she is in her episodes . Yet it feels like just straight up meanness !! I love her w all of me but I find I need time to recover and to refind my feelings that I feel for her because I get gaurded and resentful . Well just a bit of my story I’m not a saint but I’m definetly not the monster she says I am. I am needing help to keep our lives from going into the trash can.

  6. Ann says

    Hi Rick,
    Im just wondering if I could possibly get some advice from you, I mean I’ve read your posts here about bipolar…
    I met this guy and dated for a month (only), everything seemed perfect in beginning of our dates, and till that end it was good, only lasted for a month, he decided to not continue two days before I was with him, we were so happy and I didn’t expect him to have a relationship with another girl two days after we spent the night together.. He says his feelings come and go… :( but prior to that he was so sure I’m the right girl for him… Is it common for bp to leave just like that ? I know it’s only one month but I fell for him.. :/ i feel I’ve got codependency as well… :( i am trying to forget him to think its only a month, but that one month felt like forever. We chat everyday, going to movies, dinners, dates, I remember one night we were out on a dinner date, he said he can kneel in front of me to ask me to be his gf, that he’s sure I’m the right girl for him… I fell for him in a month, I just couldn’t believe what he’s done, that two nights ago we were together and happy, then two days after he’s in a relationship with another girl and messaged me that his feelings come and go that it’s best to stop communication…. I just don’t get how a person can change their feelings in two days, :( he’s obviously lied to me when he said he won’t date other while we’re dating… :(

    • Rick says

      Yea the problem is you guys hung out way too often too early. This route is the extreme route – it will either work out really well for the long run or it will end abruptly and you’ll get hurt. In the future, you’ve got to take relationships at a much slower pace. Don’t be so eager to get into a relationship. A mega red flag that you need to be aware of in the future is when someone is saying how you’re the right person and how they are in love with you and it’s only been a few weeks lol…

      • Ann says

        Thank you for the advice Rick. I’ll have to do that when someone comes along In the future. I still can’t forget this guy even though it’s been three weeks since his last message. But I am feeling bit better as days go by. Sometimes I wish I should have Listened to my friend when she said something is not right from that first week we dated but still I went for it so now I ended up getting hurt.

  7. Dawn says

    Hi All,
    I have been married to my BP husband for 11 years, he was only diagnosed 5 months ago, but our life has been hell for over 6 years since the mental illness took hold (he also suffers from OCD, Anxiety etc). We have two children together. I have tried endlessly to be there for him and have made ALL of the mistakes listed above. Before his illness took over, we were very, very happy together. He is proposing we stay together for the sake of the kids, but I don’t think this is a good idea. He often tells me ‘it’s over’ for him, but he also can’t bear the thought of being responsible for breaking up our family and hurting me anymore than he already has. He says I am an amazing wife and appreciates all I have done for him, but he just doesn’t see that there is any hope of getting back what we used to have. Then other days he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I keep saying that living a lie is a lifetime of hurt and unless he can commit to working on the marriage it won’t work. He is committed to taking his meds, and see his dr regularly. I don’t know if there is any hope here? He is currently living on his own away from the family home. I took a stand in the spring and told him he had to get his act together or we were done. Shortly after this, he was given the BP diagnosis. Everything I read suggests I run for the hills, but I still love this man, and we have been together almost 20 years, have built a life together. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated. Thanks folks.

    • Rick says

      Again this further proves that BPD isn’t hard to deal with by itself. It only becomes difficult when there are other diagnosis added on like bipolar or OCD or anxiety, etc. There are always other issues it seems. Anyway, space is always the best thing for these situations. Just let him do his thing, make him come to you. Do not be a pushover as you need to keep your respect!

  8. Chris says

    Hi Rick,

    I have made all the same mistakes that you have talked about. Me and my ex BPD had a big fight, she now lives with her mom. I been trying to reach out to here but nothing seems to be working. We had a great conversation the other night about just being there for my daughter and working on our selves; then she raged about the fight we had. She hung up in face and i tried to call her back. What should I do and will she come back ?

    • Rick says

      When a girl hangs up on you, don’t call her back. That’s just retarded. Why are you chasing her? I don’t teach you guys to chase women around here so please stop doing it. Let her come to you, go find someone else in the meantime. Big world, lots of fish in the sea.

  9. lisa says

    hi i started seeing a lad who is bipolar i knew this right from the start, we would talk every day through texts n see each other once or twice a week, recently we spent our first night together, since then he has said he feels messy in his head and hoping its not because of me, communication is pretty minimal right now just the odd text here and there, im confused as to if he wants me to hang on or let go , letting go is not what i want but need to do what is right for him, im unsure how to go about this conversation with him without confusing him or messing his head up even more :(

  10. Dave says

    Hi Rick,

    I recently went through a really painful and confusing break-up with my ex girlfriend due to manic-bipolar. I’m 33 and she is 28. We met online when she contacted me in May of last year. She was in hospital at the time getting tests/blood tests for a couple of weeks but was eventually let home and she moved back to my home city to be close with her family and start a new job. We started dating soon after that and hit things off quite quickly but I always let things go at her pace. She was incredibly giving, affectionate and passionate with me even bringing me gifts for my house and coming over to cook me wonderful dinners if I was stressed after a long days work. We had loads in common loving the outdoors, cooking, martial arts etc and everything felt effortless between us. I did notice some scaring on her upper arms but she does landscape gardening as a job and is a bit clumsy at times so i assumed that was from the job. We made plans for Xmas and she invited me to attend her Xmas party dinner with her and spoke about going on a trip someone together in the new year. She was excited about getting a new flat so we could spend more time together and I helped her move house once she got the keys. In November a few days before i was due to come stay with her we are texting/talking on phone as normal saying that she misses me etc and then literally a few hours later is breaking up with me on the phone saying she can’t do this anymore and is only going to end up hurting me, her head isn’t in the right place and has things going on at home she can’t talk about. She ends the call by hanging up and breaking down as she says ‘bye’.

    We don’t talk for a week or so and chat eventually but she says she feels terrible about how she handled things and that there are things she finds too difficult to talk about. Just before Xmas we chat again and I notice she was already back to online dating and has a new photo up on facebook of her and a new boyfriend a month after we split up. She messaged me saying that she is going to tell me the truth about things that she never wanted to talk about – she is manic bipolar and rapidly self destructive and took a turn for the worse at her mums house and attempted some really stupid things resulting in her mum taking her back to hospital. She said she had to end things with me after that as she didn’t want to end up hurting me and would never have got involved with me had she known her condition was going to cause problems again. Finished by saying this was very hard for me to tell and that the guy in the photos was someone she met after coming out of hospital.

    If she was so worried about hurting me then how can she just jump into another relationship like nothing happened and not worry about hurting the new guy? Are things going to be different with him? I just feel devastated that she showed me so much affection and built me up as this great boyfriend to then just do a 180 and replace me with a new guy. Is this normal for for someone with manic bipolar disorder? I know I should be thankful this happened but why do i feel so hurt by something that only lasted 4 months?

    • Darlin says

      Yes. That guy is going to suffer the same thing. I met my so called husband/
      exhusband after 4 months of marriage. I love this guy to death but he is the one now giving up after so many attempts of him to work our marriage. He loves me and I love him but he said the extreme hurting of each other must stop. Isn’t it awful? The person you have accepted and love is gone because of the condition. My heart just drops now.

      • Rick says

        Sorry to hear. But you need to stop putting blame on the condition. I know it’s 2014 and we live in a society that likes to take zero responsibility for things, but believe me that if your man decided to be a man, your marriage may have succeeded. Thanks for the comment!

  11. Aaron says

    Hi Rick. I’ve been dating a BPD woman for about 6 months now. Todays actually the first day I’ve done research online about a successful relationship with this disorder. She’s truly an incredible person who has a heart of gold, but when its bad, its absolutely horrible. Through my own trial and error of putting myself in her shoes for the past 6 months I’ve became stronger than I ever have. My hardest struggle is letting her go when I don’t understand why she’s became upset. To top everything off, she’s also 20 weeks pregnant with our child. I’ve learned that arguing almost anything that comes up is the worst thing to do and to wait until she has became calm after the initial confrontation to discuss anything. I’ve literally been to hell and back with this relationship, but its the true person I see inside of her that keeps me here.

    • Brad says

      I was dating this pretty girl currently 35yr’s old. She had told me she had a touch of BPD but I had no idea going into it, that combined with daily alcohol consumption, the violence I was walking into. She confessed she hit past boyfriends but of course, I thought I could control her. I wished I never met her because she was the prettiest girl I had ever dated and I love to cuddle with her and be told sweet things. Sadly, she was a master manipulator and a liar.

      She currently is carrying on with another relationship with a man in another Country and I read through her emails and saw that they are planning a trip ( while I am dating her !! ) She lied to me about it all and said they are just friends. Yet, a day or two after she confessed that with past jealous BF’s, she will ” bend the truth”

      For any man or women dating someone with alcoholism and BPD here are some sour grapes that will help you get the courage to leave these people, so see if you can relate:

      Controlling
      Argumentative
      disrespectful
      narcissist
      stubborn
      liar
      no patience
      mean
      violent
      cheater
      sexually deviant
      has nothing to add to a conversation – boring and dull and only is capable of making fun of what you say
      no ambition
      poor attitude and poor financially

      • Rick says

        Well, those aren’t just BPD traits lol. Those are the traits of a lot of people, not just BPD’s. So it isn’t fair for you to categorize your ex as a BPD just because she did those things. When I see that list, I simply just register that as a low quality partner, someone I wouldn’t want to be with. It has nothing to do with BPD.

        Also, please don’t use names. I obviously edited them out and deleted your 2nd comment. You’re clearly bitter over this girl so go take your frustrations elsewhere. My site isn’t for you to call someone out and put them on blast.

        • Matt Kilcran says

          Rick,

          You are right. I did want to add that she isn’t to blame. When her Father died and she moved and was trying to fit in to a new school she felt necessary to drink and do drugs. She never stopped the drinking but was able to stop the drugs. I was told that when she started, around age 19, her brain never mentally grew so my therapist told me I was dating a 19yr old. I pray for her all of the time and for myself as well. I was deeply into this women and wish the best for her. I did want to mention that I looked up your site because I was just trying to figure out a way to work with someone with this diagnosis. I found out that she can’t change, but I can. I decided to move on and am going through the grieving stages of departing from her.

          Do you have any advice for me if she still wants to have a relationship with me? But admits she will not be easy on me ever but really loves me? Last, is it true that BPD people are notorious cheaters and liars?

          • Rick says

            Well your therapist is wrong because MANY teenagers drink and do drugs before 19. So this is just an excuse you’re making for her so you can try to make it seem like it’s all her fault and the BPD is to blame. That’s just foolish. As a man, you need to accept 100% responsibility. That is the duty of a man, no matter what. You look at things and you say ‘I am responsible’. And then you move from there. What could YOU have done differently to make things work? If you were a girl, would you date yourself? These are the RIGHT questions you should be asking yourself.

            Just assume that everybody cheats and lies. BPD has nothing to do with it. It’s better to focus on other things than to worry about whether you’re dating a liar/cheater.

  12. ED says

    I.m convinced that most bpd have axis 11 borderline, I see some sort of sociopathic behaviors as well

  13. Sam says

    Been in long (on and off) relationship with “difficult” person. Noticed that we never could get close. Anything that required vulnerability on her part was deflected in some way. Blaming, irritability, low, palpable anger (counselor even said so), inability to be alone (5 BFs), is “observant” and proud of it, no (real) friends, manipulation by instilling fear (lose of relationship/sex) Well, the best time I ever had with her was when I just “stopped.” Mostly due to exhaustion, but mostly due to smartening up. I didnt chase or argue. And I hold my ground (btw-calls me “stubborn”). She’s on to new BF – but still sends smoke signals. These types will test one’s resolve, but like children, they respect inner strength. And she was my best teacher. Good advice on here. Be prepared to leave and do so if need be.

  14. winnie says

    I think my friend has BPD. The last three years has been one hell of a rollercoaster…One day I opened up to her to tell her that I was feeling sad bec I was getting insecure ON THAT DAY…hormonal. Next thing I know she sends me a text saying we are too close and it makes her uncomfortable…So I gave her space. last week someone we know died..I went to console her at her daughter’s swim meet. She obviously did not want me there. I left one hour later…and now back to cold shoulder. she’s never going to be normal!!!!

    • Rick says

      Actually, you screwed up here. BPD’s don’t like to hear about your feelings. Women in general don’t like to hear this stuff. It’s weak. So, I personally choose to not express my feelings and while girls I date ‘complain’ about it, they never actually friend zone me or anything like that because of it. I believe that being mysterious about your feelings is crucial to dating women, especially a BPD. Women will hate me for saying this though lol but it’s true. Women love a man that doesn’t ever reveal their feelings.

  15. Fiva says

    Dear

    I just want to say that despite all negativeness you find about relationships with BDPs, I must say that it is just partly true. The other part is that-there is always a way of handling it with a rational and warm behavior. I personally managed to find an optimal way to fight with the issue without taking everything personally and against me. My relationship with a BDP was critical, but I educated myself and I really tried to see where was the problem. Communication is very important in those moments of fear. Be calm and understandable in the way you would like to be listened in your difficult moments.

  16. Jim says

    I have been in a co-dependent relationship with a bpd woman for a little over a year. Made all the classic mistakes. Rode the roller-coaster, beat my head against her wall, dealt with the sudden weird rages and all that. That’s my fault. Thought I could fix it.
    Then my father died. If you really want to see a BPD in all their “glory” just have a need for compassion and support. She started a fight before the funeral, then said my mourning was self pity.
    I’m done. I’m packing all my shit and moving back to my old apt where I’d turned off my power and sitting in the dark until I get paid.
    It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least. The fight before the funeral really was the last straw. But I don’t blame her. I blame me for putting up with it. Won’t happen again. Thanks for the articles

    • daren says

      I know what you mean. “It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least” this is a dead on description of pwbpd and those other two days are glorious. but then hell ensues shortly…

  17. Mary says

    I don’t think that being sad or depressed as a result of what your partner says or does is necessarily a result of codependency. It is just a natural, human response and when you are close to someone it is sometimes inevitable.

    • Rick says

      Well I disagree because if you’ve got control over your own emotions and you’re not DEPENDENT on your lover, then you shouldn’t be feeling long periods of depression over BPD behavior. It’s all about educating yourself and putting yourself first. If you disagree with that, then you’re codpendent :)

  18. Guy says

    Hi there I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I lost the love of my life due to my bpd behaviours my ex tried to save me from a horrible life I was experiencing. Due to my white and black thinking treating my partner like shit such as 1 moment putting him on a pedalstoll and the next running him into the dirt. I was still in denial that I had BPD. I loved Him heaps and still do today . There was a recommended treatment but being poor I couldn’t afford to use the private system and there was a long public waiting list for dialectacle behaviour therapy
    I cheated on him a numerous amount of times to satisfy my pain of abbondoment. When he said he would leave me I would threaten to kill myself entrapping him. In the end the relationship came to a sad end it ended in a physical fight which resulted in police attendance and an family violence order was taken out. I had another guy lined up already so I didn’t feel abandoned but that relationship didn’t last long due to an argument I was attacked by him and I had to get an Family violence protection order against him. After that I felt the full effects of abandonment and as a result I attempted suicide 4 times because of the end of my relationships

    I will admit as a result I have now accepted I have BPD and am seeking treatment

    Feel free to comment or ask

    • Rick says

      First of all, thanks for the comment. However, while it’s easy to say that you have BPD, you actually have much more going on then just that. I’ve met and know plenty of BPD’s that don’t cheat or fight or whatever. This is why the BPD label is lame. As an adult, you have control over the choices you make. It’s your choice to sleep with other guys, it’s your choice to fight and treat him like shit. I’m just glad that you’re finally taking responsibility as that is the first step to healing.

      DBT therapy doesn’t work so don’t feel bad that you didn’t get in. What does work however is working on yourself, accepting responsibility (which you have), and seeking forgiveness. Healing comes from forgiveness, nothing more.

  19. thefirstbigk says

    I met a girl in a bar who needed a ride home because she had run off her date. I gave her a ride home and we talked all night. Long story short I became interested. She is very pretty. But as time went by I discovered she was frequently lying to me about what she was doing and who she was with. She behaved exactly as others have described in these comments. She hurts me and then apologizes. Rinse and repeat. I thought I could help. Mix in her self admitted bi-polar and alcoholic issue and what I consider an over medicated problem. I want her so bad but don’t know how to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy which she insjlts me. Lost cause or is there some way to save this? From my perspective I’m her best hope.

    • Rick says

      Well the first thing you need to do is to stop trying to help her. She needs a man that’s not going to take crap from her, so when she’s lying and being a ****, you need to call her out and fight back with fire.

  20. Jane says

    Hi Rick,

    I stumbled upon this website as I was looking up how to improve myself. I have BPD and am in a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years. We were living in the same city last year, and continued the relationship when he left the country last December. We weren’t initially going to do long distance but it became clear later on that I couldn’t be just a friend with a him.

    We’ve been fighting a lot lately and I feel like it’s reaching the tipping point. I blame myself; a lot of insecurities, constantly asking him to reassure me that he still loves me, crying on the phone, etc. I’m beginning to even doubt if I really love him! I was so angry with all the little things when I saw him last month. I feel like I’ve become a different person and I don’t understand how I got here! It’s like I don’t know how to be in a relationship…which is so weird because we were good while living in the same city. It really makes me wonder why and how he can love me when I don’t even love myself. It makes me so sad that I’m constantly hurting him, but at the same time I can’t seem to let go. I know I really should; it would be better for the both of us.

    He’s really good at setting boundaries but I have a hard time sticking to them. I don’t know how much more he can take…and I don’t know how much I can take! I can’t sleep, I’m so mopey, and I can’t focus on school.

    • Rick says

      Hi Jane! I’m sorry to hear about all this. Your task going forward should definitely be about learning how to love yourself. If you don’t, it will just continue to tear down the relationship like you’ve noticed. Are there things in your past you can’t let go? Anything you need to forgive and move on? Is your diet healthy? Try going for a run every time you start having negative thoughts. This will get your blood flowing and clear your head. It will release hormones that will make you feel good and better about yourself. Let me know more details and I’ll be able to assist you further!

      • Jayne says

        Hi Rick,

        We ended up breaking up. I ended up cheating on him as I felt suffocated in the relationship and I didn’t know how to break up, as he would often start crying when I would bring up the topic. The problem is, I started to realize at the end that he may have been emotionally abusive towards me but I always excused it as the stress of the long distance, his personality or that my BPD made him to react this way. I’m not sure how I feel about this relationship…I feel guilty that I cheated and lost a guy in my life but I’m not sure if this is because of my abandonment issues. All my friends and parents told me that I needed to walk away ages ago because I was unhappy and he could be very cold towards me. Have you heard about BPDs in emotionally abusive relationships where the “sane” partner is actually the abusive one? I feel very damaged and vulnerable after this relationship and I’m left questioning myself more than I normally do…

        • Rick says

          Hmm not sure I follow. If you cheated without breaking up with him, that makes you the ‘bad’ person of the two. But I personally don’t judge. I actually encourage women to leave and cheat if their male partners are being emotionally abusive d bags. So by all means don’t feel bad if you feel like it was justified.

  21. Dean says

    Hi: I met a 25 year old bipolar woman and we dated for 6 months. It had the classic intense affection and declaration of soulmate eternal love. Now, I must state that I am 52 so there was a big age difference. However, our relationship worked and we never felt that the age gap mattered. During this utopian time, we never had any issues. At the end of the 6 months, the only mistake I made was I violated her trust by asking if she was talking to another guy on her phone. Yes, I admit that I demonstrated jealousy and it is an issue in any relationship. But her reaction was “I am out. I have to look out for number one.” She left the house and never rescinded her decision. We had lots of text/email dialouge for a few months. Stupid me,checks her Facebook profile, and there she is with a new guy, professing the same intense love she had given me. She said that she met him 6 weeks after our breakup, but his name showed up on her Facebook as “likes” of her various pictures immediately after he left me, so I know she is not telling the full truth. It’s been four months and I am still hurting. I asked her several times after our separation, if it was my violating her trust that led to her decision and that I would even seek counselling to save things. She said, “No, that it was annoying, but the age thing led to my decision. I have spent alot of time ruminating and blaming myself for the break up because I truly feel the violation of trust was the real reason, not the age. We don’t have any contact anymore because I made all the classic mistakes after the breakup by contacting her and professing my love, and I missed her, and had great plans for our future, etc. She basically told me to leave her alone and she is walking away and that she is weighing as to whether our relationship was positive or negative at this point. I am still devastated and believe it or not, still have a sliver of hope that she will once again be in my arms.

    • Rick says

      She isn’t coming back so it’s time to focus on moving forward and to stop living in the past. I believe the age thing was why she left. At the end of the day, a woman wants to be with a man closer to her age because then he’ll be around a lot longer. Sorry but you just need to get over this and move forward. I have plenty of articles on here to help you with that.

  22. Nicky P says

    Hey Rick,
    Very good article regarding how one should look after themselves when in a relationship with someone suffering with any kind of mental illness.
    I say ‘suffer’ as that is exactly what’s happening. My partner/fiance is ill, she has BP II combined with PTSD.
    Long story but have known this girl (34) since we were kids in our village although our age gap at the time dictated that she was much too young although I thought she was cute. That’s me.
    I’d say that due to childhood sexually abuse, parents that never accepted her pain, never supported her and told her it wasn’t her fault, led her to feel how she does today. An amazingly beautiful girl in her teens, her first experience of ‘life’ was abuse. So in my opinion in her head she thought that this was the way to roll, pleasing people and not realising she was never in control. This manifests into extreme insecurity, knowing something is wrong but not quite sure what. Teenage years resulted in her first highs, pregnancy and attracting the wrong types of men. Physically assaulted by men who sense the emotional insecurity and need to feel loved. An easy target. This continues into her 20’s, depression, hypomanic…. Up and down until one day she is left for dead by someone who led her to believe he was a lovely bloke. He is released from jail after only one year. She flees back to her parents where I bumped into her after being abroad for ten years plus. That was four years ago, we are now engaged.
    What I’m saying I think is that due to a multitude of scenarios, family,relationships, abuse and the feeling of being let down by the judicial system, she is extremely fragile. The pain is constant, the self medication rears it’s ugly head once in a while and support and understanding is needed.

    I agree with everything you say about looking after yourself as I am guilty of all the above. But with educating myself, understanding that she has an illness, understanding that I’m sometimes talking to her illness and not her, understanding the need for her space, I have slowly been able to help her get the help she needs, medication and psychiatric.
    When she’s down she’s down. You don’t have to say anything other than tell her that you hear her. I’ve made the mistake of trying to rationalise with her before. Only when she’s on an even keel can this be done. It’s important like you say to have a slightly deaf ear and slightly thick skin.
    Education is the key. No its not easy, especially when there is a ten year old involved.
    The chemical imbalance in the brain dictates moods.

    I’ve blabbered on and forgotten my point. But Rick is right. Lookafter yourself. But if you want to help, then educate yourself. These people may not tell u they love u, or get up to do things with you. And it can feel lonely. But if u r in a longer term relationship I can tell you that yes they do love u tbrry much….they just can’t show you or tell u as due to their upbringing and what they’ve experienced they just don’t know how. In most cases they’ve never learnt to love themselves or be loved unconditionally.

    I personally won’t walk away, but I do need to heed Ricks advice and find a balance.
    Hope all this makes some sense?
    Nick

    • Rick says

      Yup just find that balance! I just wrote a new article that talks about maintaining that healthy balance outside of the relationship. Check it out!

  23. Nicky P says

    In addition, medication van cause weight gain, which in turn causes more self loathing and agoraphobia. Why on earth do these people want to be with me they think. Hence the reasons for pushing u away. They don’t want to, they don’t feel worthy that’s all, so casual, non complicated relationships are easier.

  24. Stefan says

    Hi,

    I’ve found the articles on this site rather interesting as they take a different perspective on things. I have a question regarding the advice you provide on BPD partners: is it generally focused on BPDs who have at least acknowledged that they have the disorder and are working on it, or does it apply to even those still in denial?

    I’ve recently broken up with my ex who I believe carries many BPD characteristics (and possibly bi-polar as well), and to this day she is in complete denial that there is anything wrong. She deflects blame of her actions onto others, doesn’t acknowledge her bad behaviour and believes in her mind that the entire relationship revolved around me (LOL – I just have to laugh at this as I bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods). She had unnecessary issues with my family members and often abused alcohol as a coping mechanism. She also has family issues with her own family and has been through many relationships.

    I played the game of trying to “hear” her feelings and listen to her needs, when most of the time her feelings didn’t reflect the truth and her needs were impossible to fulfil. We even tried couples counselling, with us having to stop going each time because the sessions (more likely the truth) became too hard for her to handle. She would blame me for not expressing my feelings, but each time I did, I didn’t feel they were even genuinely heard, or it would result in an argument/fight. So ultimately I just withdrew. Nothing I did was ever enough and there was always some issue.

    So I look back and realise I’m stronger now, more at peace and more healthy overall. My question is, why would anyone put up with this shit over the long term? And what would your advice have been had you been in this situation?? My advice for anyone in this situation is run for the f*&*ing hills.

    • Rick says

      To answer your question, it doesn’t matter whether they deny it or not. This isn’t about her, it’s about you. The real reason your relationship failed is because you “bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods”. This is probably one of the least attractive things you can do as a male. So in future relationships, don’t do this and you’ll be seeing much more success :)

  25. CubanNiceGuy says

    2 years ago I began to date a beauitful young woman with what she stated was only “Depression” at the time. When she told me this, I didn’t find any factor that would make me tuck tail and run the other way. I was “in love” and whatever I had to do to make this woman happy, I wanted to do.

    This relationship ended only a year later and after a few months of already living together. Things took a turn for the worst and she became someone other then the woman I fell for a year prior.

    Now after reading this article I see exactly what happened. Everything you listed here on what NOT to do, I did. I didn’t control my emotions with her and I wanted to be that White Knight, something I tend to do often in relationships.

    Since our breakup, I wanted nothing more then to get back together with her. Before it all officially came to end, we even attempted to go to therapy but only after 2 sessions, she didn’t want to go anymore.

    What I realize now is that when she met me, it seems like she was in her Manic phase. She was energetic, motivated, and all so attentive but that faded and arguments of pure petty issues took over. My mistake, was letting my emotions get involved but I simply couldn’t stand the fact that she constantly ran off to her friends or families when we had an argument instead of talking it out like adults. This was a peeve of mine that she was never able to change and now I see that it will never change.

    Everyone said I was lucky to get out of the relationship, even though it was her choice to leave, but why can’t I shake it off after a year? I think about her all the time and most recently we began to chat via text for a moment. It started off great! We talked about our lives in the past year of not seeing each other and what we have done as well as our favorite TV shows. The conversations were easy and fun, but then the past came up and it all went to hell again. I explained how I took time to find myself and work on my own issues in a year. That this process has led me to see that there was a lot of emotional issues that I had to control in order to make any future commitment last. I thought that she would appreciate this but all it did for her was stir up her old feelings. Next thing I know she is back to reflecting her issues onto me without any acknoledgement of her own faults and actions during our relationship.

    So now, after a year of wanting to talk to her, we did…and it’s left me stunned. Should I just walk away from this and just face the fact that the woman I met was just a facade as you stated? Or is it worth it to keep trying to remember the happiness? This is where I am lost because I truly do love her and want to be the ONLY support she has but all she does is push anyone who cares away. From family to friends, she attempts to go at things alone.

    She has even recently told me that she has been drinking more often then not lately and it worries me. Should I be worried? Am I wrong or right to worry about he well being, even though she shows no sign of wanting to work this out? Is she doing this to save her own skin from hurt or trying to save me from anymore hurt due to her mental health?

    Please guys, I need some info her before I make the wrong decision to either stick with it or walk away completely.

    • Rick says

      Stop thinking about the past and instead focus on the future. Do you really see a future with this woman? Do you think things can work out? If so, then by all means go for it. Just make sure you have the skills and the knowledge needed to move things forward.

  26. Sita says

    Dear Rick,
    My bf of 4 months just broke up with me. As like many of the stories on this page it was abrupt and he suddenly didn’t think he could love me to make it to the marriage stage. Despite feeling like he could 3 days before I said it was too early to even think about that and you grown into a relationship it’s not instanaeous. I met him on a dating website as I thought I would try something different. He was quickly very much involved in all of my life (except always shying away from social events that involved my family and friends) and I let him in because I saw this wonderful sweet, caring,extremely intelligent, beautiful and somewhat quirky man as many people do during the honeymoon period who I have shamelessly started to fall for. Over the last month he was moving house and was having some issues at work on top of the fact his sister was hospitalised for bipolar depression. This all of a sudden became pretty overwhelming for him and he said he was feeling anxious I had also seen certain things change in him. When I met him he was always on a high but this particular month I saw him become irritable, moody, withdrawn, frustrated and agitated, overwhelmed and anxious, irrational or impulsive thinking not to mention stubborn, either on top of the world or really low. And this was all exacerbated by him starting to smoke pot everyday. He has not told me that he has bipolar but given his sister, his mum have it, his father was an alcoholic and domestically violent and he has two kids from a previous relationship that are on the autistic spectrum. I do have my suspicions that he has aspergers, OCD, ADHD and bi polar. He has not disclosed this to me but so many things above and beyond what I have described points to this. I have resided myself to the fact that I’ve lost or didn’t even have the man that I described at the beginning. However I am concerned for him because some of his behaviour has been very strange. I’ve never seen him on meds, he meditates, exercises a lot and tries to stick to a healthy diet with the exception of alcohol and pot. We are meeting up this week to discuss everything, I would like him to seek help but do not want it to come across condescending or patronising and would love your advice on how to broach the subject without upsetting him,

    Thank you. Sita

    • Rick says

      Well it was only 4 months so the thought of marriage is ridiculous lol. Marriage shouldn’t be considered for YEARS. I say date 3 years minimum before getting married. I just think that perhaps he decided he doesn’t want to date you anymore. That can be figured out in 4 months. It usually takes 4-8 months to figure out if you want to be with someone long-term. So yeah just accept it and move on. Thanks for the comment :)

  27. sherry says

    So glad I found this site….It all sounds so familiar. I was with a man with bipolar for about two years….the first few months were great…then things started happening…he punched my dog…begged forgiveness….was sexting with my best friend…begged forgiveness…and a million things in between….we began living together (my house) after 7-8 months…i believed much of the above…i could help him…it ended badly about a year ago…he had moved out before that but we continued to see eachother..now i just heard he has moved in with another woman (her house)…and i am devastated..not only for me…but for this poor soul who i know will endure what i did. I guess my question is..do many bp…go from person to person…especially…moving in with them….and what are the chances it will last with this person

    • Rick says

      To me it just sounds like he wasn’t interested in having a long-term committed relationship with you. I know it hurts but it’s just how it is. It can take some time to realize that you’re not going to be with someone for the long term. So that’s really all that’s going on here, he just isn’t that into you anymore and wants someone else. Thanks for commenting :)

  28. Joe says

    Great information here you all, I have been dating a woman who at first I believed was a great catch. Very attentive, kind, loving, romantic etc. After a few months I began to notice another side of her. Angry, jealous, obsessive, needy, demanding. In hopes of trying to make the relationship I overlooked these issues and continued with the relationship but moved out of her house. This of course angered her greatly but we continued dating. A few months later I learned she had moved in with someone else. I was heartbroken and actually worked to get the relationship back and a few months later we moved back in to her house. We were fine for awhile but then her anger and demanding self, pushed me away and I moved out again. We continued dating and things appeared to be “ok” and it was my time to spend time with my son who I get to see only 30 days out of the year as he is out of state with his mom. Well during this time, I did not speak to my girlfriend as she is usually very upset and angry while I am not with her. We contacted each other after he left and began to see each other for a couple of weeks and all “seemed” well again. I was then out of town with work and attempted to call her; however she did not pick up the phone and this alarmed me. I returned from out of town and came to find out there was yet another male in the picture. UUgghhh, not again!! From what I have read these are all signs of BPD and Bipolar Disorder.

  29. JM says

    I came to this site to seek help for my youngest son. He was living with a girl and they definitely had a major codependent relationship. She is extremely needy, jealous (reading his text messages and emails behind his back), did not want him hanging out with his older brother unless she was there, resented any advice that my son took from his sister-in-law who works for the same company in the same field, would not allow him to continue in any platonic relationship he had with any female coworkers prior to their relationship, would call her mother/sister every time they had a fight and have one or the other mediate the fight and he would sit there and endure that. When I asked him why he stayed to listen to her tell her mother and sister all the details of their argument, he stated if he tried to leave she would come screaming after him and it would embarrass him since they live in an apartment. In May, they had a major argument and she left and went and stayed with a friend overnight (not the first time she did that) and so he decided after 2 years to finally end it. She immediately began begging and pleading which is what always had worked in the past and he left and moved in with my older son and his wife just to be out of the apartment. He is struggling with the situation. He has told me that he is not in love with her — he does care about her but not in love and doesn’t see himself marrying her and having children with her. But he feels responsible for her. She came to the apartment to pack her things and she took a lot of things that were his and even took things that were owned by the landlord. She left a post it note on the bathroom mirror that stated, “It’s like I’m getting to go shopping.” He paid over $1200 to ship all of that home and agreed to pay another $500 to have her car driven home.

    Still, he feels sorry for her and feels like he is an awful person for leaving the relationship. We have all tried to talk to him to no avail. She is supposed to move home to Texas at Thanksgiving, but sent him a text message asking him if he would hang out with her on her birthday (11/22) because “she’s going to be all alone,” even though she has 2 other roommates and other friends. I hope he is able to stay strong. He has been in counseling and I’m praying that continues so that he doesn’t get in another codependent relationship. Thank you for this site.

    • Rick says

      Well your son just doesn’t know what it means to be a man and stand up for himself. Whether you failed in raising him or not, I can’t say. But what I know is that he’s not anywhere near the kind of alpha male he needs to be to succeed in relationships. Or life even. Sounds like he’s had people helping him out his whole life. And so now he feels he has to help her. Such bullshit. Like I said it’s because he was raised this way. So you really need to take blame here for who he is. And he needs to seek outside help on how to be a man and not owned by women. He’ll never be happy until he learns how to dominate women.

      • JM says

        Wow. You took from my statement that he feels guilty for ending his relationship that I failed in raising him. WOW! Well, I said I came here looking for help and unfortunately you didn’t provide it. I’m glad that you are so well adjusted that you know how to “dominate” women. Neither gender should be “dominated” by the other. Relationships should be equal and one shouldn’t dominate the other and the mere fact that you think that’s the only way for a man to be happy — I think you weren’t raised correctly.

        • Rick says

          You asked for my advice. That was my advice. If you think it’s wrong, then that’s okay. You’re entitled to your opinion. But I just look at results. I don’t base my opinion on what I believe to be true – I just base it on what I see to be true over and over and over again. And what the most healthy relationships that last and last are the ones where men are more alpha and dominant than your son. So I’m not saying that you did a bad job raising you son. Not at all. I’m just simply saying that when it comes to dating women, you didn’t teach him the correct things. And hey that’s common. No need to get bent out of shape.

  30. Amanda says

    Hi Rick-

    So first of all, I’m not dating a guy with bipolar, but he is bipolar. However, I do want to know if he likes me because I don’t think it would be healthy if he did and I were to say that we are only friends.
    We talk once in a while, from time to time. He’s told me most of his bipolar lifestyle and how he thinks his mom is annoying (I think she’s just concerned, really). But do people with bipolar actually open up that easily? I don’t know if he’s just telling me because we’re friends or if he wants something more.

    This article helped, tho

    • Rick says

      I have no idea if it’s because he’s bipolar. I just don’t look that far into things. As I always say, just take it for what it is with the individual. If you don’t like men that open up so quickly, then be done with him. If you find it interesting, then dive a little deeper. My advice with anyone that opens up quickly, however, is that YOU must be slow to commit. And by slow I mean that you must always be less committed than they are. That’s just my advice for this type of situation.

  31. says

    Been involved with BPD female for two months. I’m an in-control guy and in a very short time has injected an incredible amount of chaos in a very short period. BPD to a T from all the symptoms and behaviors, my big issues are the lies and the changing on a dime. When she goes into her state she’ll only text, no talk. This can go on for a full week, at which time I lose it and tell here to F off. I like when we’re together, but don’t want to be together! When I lose it I say terrible things to her, then walk. Getting tired of cycle, please help! Need to decide whether to contact again. Need advice!

    • Rick says

      As the man, your job is to be in control of your emotions. You’re going about this all wrong. She’s getting under your skin and you’re reacting negatively. You’re totally failing with this girl. You really need thick skin to date women like this. So learn to control your emotions better. Don’t be affected by her BS. Learn to brush it off. She obviously is in control and has the power. Switch this around and you’ll be fine.

  32. Rory says

    Hi Rick,
    I’m really glad I came across your site. I need some advice.
    My boyfriend and I have been on and off for two years. We have had very low points, but some high as well. I feel like I have tried to do my best to “go with the flow” of his illness- I have tried to educate myself as much as possible, I have seen a therapist, I have tried talking with him, and the problem is he up and leave me like it’s nothing. We got into a small arguement two weeks ago and he completely ignores me. It’s so incredibly hurtful, I can’t even think straight.
    We have broken up and re-started our relationship a few times, but the length at which he has ignored me makes me nervous. The other day when we did exchange a few texts, he told me he didn’t want to deal with my nonsense, even though we were fighting because of him.
    What should I do? I care and love him, but I’m tired of him not trying. Do you think he’s not in love with me and I should move on, or just keep hoping he’ll come back?
    Thanks again for your site.

    • Rick says

      In my previous articles, I talk about how ‘going with the flow’ is the exact opposite of how you want to be in these relationships. If you want any success at all, you need to BREAK this flow and BE in control. That’s absolute truth. When you’re in control, BPD’s are happy because you’re the first person in their life that can’t be pushed around and manipulated. So you score big points there. So my advice for you for now is to regain that control. It will be a struggle but do what you can to get it back. This starts with self-control. Good luck :)

  33. Kerry Anne says

    Hi Rick:
    So I came across this site and like the above reader, by bi polar boyfriend is currently ignoring me. We get into stupid arguments and his way of dealing with it is to drop off the face of the earth. This is not fair to me, and certainly not before the holidays!
    You mentioned in your above common that we should “regain self control” – what do you mean? And would you mind going into a bit more detail about “being in control” ? As someone who is not bi polar, how do I stop this bad behavior with him, and why doesn’t he make more of an effort? Does that mean he doesn’t care? I look desperate trying to get him to talk to me, but it’s him should be making the effort! UGH!

    Need advice! :(

    • Rick says

      This is just a sign of emotional weakness in men. A lot of men are this way, not just BPD/bipolar types. It’s just that a lot of men and women today would rather curl up and hide in bed than communicate issues. It’s really lame and it’s where I draw the line. I won’t date someone seriously if they behave this way.

      So really the best advice I can offer you is to not take this man seriously anymore. How can you take someone seriously that doesn’t communicate? It’s just not feasible for a long-term, healthy relationship. You can tell him all you want, but it’s his choice in the end to change. You can’t force change. So hey, just treat him the same way. If he acts up, ignore him for a few days. Give him the same treatment. But ultimately, don’t take these kind of men seriously.

    • Rick says

      This is how I have designed my training. It’s not just for BPD’s because unlike other websites, I understand that BPD’s are people too. They have the same desires and needs and everybody else. So to categorize and generalize them is terrible and why places like BPD Family are crap.

  34. Amanda says

    Hello, I came to this website trying to make sense of recent events in my life. I was under the impression that I was happily married until I discovered my husband in bed with another woman. He had been in an affair with her for six months and is now dating her since he has moved out. He says he still loves me but he loves her more. She has bipolar disorder, apparently the sex is out of this world (although I thought it was pretty good with me). I asked her how she justified having a relationship with a married man and she said we can’t help being in love. Then she said the attraction that he feels towards her is that she doesn’t need him, he needs her a lot more than she needs him. He texted me to say he is wracked with guilt for what he’s done but she won’t let him go. I was devastated at first because everything I thought was real suddenly wasn’t but now I am getting stronger everyday and I deserve so much better than a man who lies and cheats and actively seeks women off the Internet. I guess I’m just curious as to what you think the chances of their relationship succeeding is.

    • Rick says

      I mean you shouldn’t worry about this. I know it sucks, but he’s a cheater douche and you shouldn’t take him back even if they broke up right now. But I know women and they just love men that cheat for some reason…

  35. suzyq says

    Meet a man on a dating website had a worldwind romance always felt like something was off. He would get mad about small things.I hid a secret that I occansionally smoked a cigarette every once and a while I am 43 he is 53,. He found cigarettes I felt like a kid caught and lied at first but quickly told him they were mine. he threw me out. Knew nothing about bpd. Fast foward eight months later I meet up with him again boom its like magic we are on, everythning is great. Slowly mask starts falling and arguements start about jealously my inapproriate behavior, I always apologize. I am in sales I come home every night he was my world never did I think about hurting this relationship. Next my friends are being attacked they are no good , causing us harm. I rarely hang out with them never at night never when I can be with him. We are best friends he was my world felt like I had to hide things that would make him upset like talking to friends he didn’t like. (all female)etc. Two days before christmas he finds out that i amdoing a favor for the girlfriend of mine he doesnt like boom I am out. He tells me after every arguement he can not trust me, But two days before arguement I told himI feel I have no control in this relationship and he could cast me aside anytime and he tells me he will never let me go. He loves me more than anything . we almost made it a year that time. Now no contact, he drops off all my stuff in my house and doesn’tleave a key.His mother tells me to leave him alone it will blow over in a month.I am struggling I love him when he is good , I want to be with him but I cant’ keep riding the ride with the same results it is making me sad. Is there any hope?? Please help

    • Rick says

      Haha this guy just needs to have his ass handed to him. Call him out on his idiotic behavior. Point out the fact that it’s obvious he’s single at 53 since all he does is throw women out of his house when he gets a little insecure. He’s a fucking child so treat him like one.

  36. Mike says

    Hey Rick,
    I have been dating my girl-friend for nearly two theses now. And I have done everything everyone has already previously mentioned. The mistakes etc. I’ve found however that dating a bi-polar and borderline person can be very exhausting and rewarding at the same time the monster certainly appears after a time. But, that fake fascade if it were Ive found to be just as real as the whatever person. I mean that’s part of the problem is who and what you’re with at any given moment. Through numerous painstaking trial and efforts I couldn’t agree more that having a thick skin and deaf ear is abosolutly vital. And like you I disagree that just because someone is bipolar and/or BPD that they are liars cheaters and whatever laundry list of negative names people want to slap on to their partners and ex-partners.
    The advice I am seeking however is just how assertive do I have to be when I call her on her BS and standup for myself. I don’t want to be misconstrued as being overly mean or abusive not to her but to my own minds eye. I am frankly not afraid to break up or not talk as it is something we have done on occasion and it is not devastating because we always reconcile. I believe that I’ve finally begun to adapt the skills necessary to keep this relationship that I do ultimately value more than just about anything. However the one area I still struggle with is in self improvement, at times I’ll stew in depression over what was said and done. As the experiences have coalesced I have gotten so much better at handling myself and my half of the relationship. I am glad to have found this article and will be contributing and keeping my eye on the site henceforth!

    Thanks Rick,
    Mike

    • Rick says

      My mindset going into these types of relationships is that the relationship is about me. I’m the center of attention here, not the attention-starved BPD. When you approach these relationships with this kind of attitude, it creates a completely different dynamic. I won’t dive into details about this because it’s advanced and will just cause confusion to most people reading this, but feel free to hit me up for coaching and I’ll teach you all about it.

  37. lorraine says

    Hi i am a 48 year old female with bi-polar and came across this site by accident, have had a quick read at all the comments and found some very insightful and some very stupid. Each human being is an indivisual and seems to me that whether we have a mental health condition or not relationships are differcult most of the time. I think that with education and a good understanding of the condition that your partner suffers with then half the battle is won or maybe that just my fluffy bi-polar world i live in where i am able to hold down a job,maintain a large social network and encourage others to stay well. Two of the best books to read are Mindset,The Chimp Paradox may find helpful.

    • Rick says

      Thanks! You should read more of my articles and let me know what you think. I always like feedback from people that are dealing with it.

  38. ron says

    May have elements of cluster B (HPD, N, etc)
    I’ve been seeing a girl with whom I spent a ‘honeymoon’ of about 1 year. After we moved and she started living in both the original and present town, trouble started. I am probably to sensitive and respond to her BS with anger and punishment though it appears she may like that (abuse and rough sex). She of course freaks out if I don’t respond immediately to her calls, and is very jealous while she is screwing a bunch of others.

    It seems as if it’s constant revenge committed by both of us (more by her). She attempts to flirt in front of me and if I leave her for a coupla hours she will assume I am screwing someone else and then use that as an excuse for attacks, jealousy games, not doing what she knows I want etc.

    I don’t react the best in real time so I often punish her afterwards or make her make it up to me somehow (give me a massage, buy dinner etc).

    I have responded in anger to her by writing insulting messages and putting her down though what I write is mostly true. The last time I blocked her everywhere and wrote a messasge exposing all her weaknesses, being unattractive, stupid, unrealistic, older etc. The idea behind this was to get rid of her so that even if I bring her back (we both brought each other back in the past after no contact) she would not want to come back. Of course it could be just negative attention to her.

    I often block her and then unblock her later when I am less angry or feel sexually excited.

    What you write about makes sense but these girls often study your weaknesses and then use the to attack. It’s VERY difficult to stay unreactive and strong.

    Do you think it’s possible to cause a change in her in the sense that she stops these behaviors if I change to more unreactive/masculine behavior even after a few years (honeymoon has passed) or is this something that has to be done immediately from the begiinning. Is it too late now since the loss of respect has already occurred and her behavior is worse.

    • Rick says

      I wouldn’t say it’s too late if she’s still keeping you around. There’s a lot of power is not being affected by things and not reacting logically to BS. This you must work on being good at. It’s a skill. That’s why I always talk about how you need to learn skills. This whole idea of just being yourself in a relationship is loaded with BS because sometimes even your best self is pretty crappy. So you need to learn skills and gain knowledge so you can change yourself to someone that’s pretty awesome. You two are just in this passive-aggressive relationship and it’s tearing you two apart. Stop writing her insults – instead be verbal and confrontational. Writing messages like this is passive aggressive behavior and weak. I think what you need is just face to face confrontation. Not so much arguing, just letting her know how pissed off you are instead of holding it in lol

  39. Jade says

    Hi. After searching and searching for anything I stumbled across your page and reading and reading over what people are going through I feel relieved Im not the only one with the troubles I am having everyday. Im 28 years old and was diganosed with Bipolar Dissorder when I was just 14 years old. I admit it was runied so much in my life til now. I have been compliant with my medication for almost a full year. I have never felt both mentally and physically stable in my life. On Aug 2013 I met my wife. I put her through so much in a year with my bipolar disorder as well as my children. But i took the step on getting the help I needed from my therapist and my medication. Things finally starting falling into place with me. My wife and I married on Nov. Of last year. And since then… my life has been let’s just say.. difficult. I was always being blamed for things I wasn’t doing cause I did them in my past. If I asked “space” she would fight with me about not loving her anymore. Anything that I said she always had a negative remark. She took my phone one day to go through it to find anything she could fihht with me about. When she found nothing she got mad cause I proved to her I was being completely honest with her. I thought it was just her insecurities on being a 21 year old. And she hasnt grown up all the way. But things started getting worse. Everyday we fight. Everyday. Then when seeking help she was diagnosed with BPD. She was scared but I reassured her i was going to be here and help her. The fights still were coming on strong and then we got into a physical altercation that led her to choke me and when i told her I wanted a divorce and I couldn’t do this anymore she responded “you leave me.. ill kill you”. After her little episode went away she cried to tell me she was sorry and that she doesnt understand why she does what she does. And of course I hug her and tell her its okay. But its not. Im still living with arguing, aand fighting everyday. I dont knoe what to do. I dont know who to turn to. I dont know if things will never change. Help.

    • Rick says

      Wow thank you for your story! See, this is more evidence that people with BPD are capable of love and affection which is what I constantly tell people. You are proof of that. You are making good progress and while I don’t recommend people get on meds because of issues they can create down the road, you still see the changes and all that going on. Right away I could tell your wife has BPD before you said it. I think this also shows that you really do attract what you project. Now that’s not a bad thing here. I just think that as you continue your journey of self-discovery and raising your self-respect, you’ll be fine. Don’t try to fix your partner but instead BE that example of change she can seek. Just be like ‘Look honey, I’ve had BPD since I was 14 and look how well I’ve done for myself’. Good luck :)

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